Discussion on Chapter 8: Conflict

Respond to the prompts below (one paragraph per prompt; each paragraph should be at least 5 sentences in length). At the top of your posts, include a title that is relevant to your content, creative, and in bold. Draw readers to your post with your title. Within your post, ensure that you use course terminology, demonstrate that you are synthesizing the assigned readings and videos, and use appropriate grammar, spelling, and citations.

Paragraph 1: Select one direct quote from this chapter that you think is particularly interesting. Include the quote in your response (using quotation marks) and a proper in-text citation. Discuss why you think the quote is particularly interesting.

Paragraph 2: Apply at least one aspect (e.g., concept, claim) of the reading to your own life. For example, how might a concept or claim from the reading help you better understand a specific previous experience, improve a particular relationship (e.g., with your partner or friend), or make you communicate differently in a certain context (e.g., with friends)? Please be specific, in-depth, insightful, and detailed.

Paragraph 3: After reading this chapter, and the conversation below, answer the questions here: Andrea and her sister Ellie:Andrea: What are you working on?Ellie: The book for French lit – I’m way behind.Andrea: Can I talk with you for a few minutes?Ellie: I’m really behind. Can it wait?Andrea: I promise I’ll be quick.Eillie: Fine. What?Andrea: That’s part of it. The way you just said “what?” Like you’re already annoyed.Ellie: I told you I’m busy. So yeah you’re annoying me.Andrea: You’re so short with me lately.Ellie: (trying to lighten the mood)) You’re my sister, you’re supposed to annoy me.Andrea: But lately it’s been happening a lot. And sometimes get a little out of hand. Like the other night.Ellie: What about the other night?Andrea: You tried to throw your alarm clock at me, when we argued about whose turn it was to do the laundry.Ellie: But I didn’t throw itAndrea: because it was plugged in.Ellie: What do you want me to say?Andrea: I want to know why you’re so angry all the time?Ellie: (angry and determined) Nothing? I had two exams the next day when you told me I had to do the laundry! What you call nothing is my education, my future. It’s not my fault that you’re too lazy or two much of a jerk to care about your classes or lift a finger around here!Andrea: This is what I mean. You never used to call me names. You never used to yell. We would talk. I’m afraid to even try to talk to you. And sometimes, I’m sorry not to mention hurt – when I do try.Ellie: I’m sorry. You’re the only person I have to vent to and sometimes I get a little carried away.Andrea: More than a little. It seems like we never talk anymore.Ellie: What are we doing now?Andrea: Sarcasm doesn’t help. Ellie, I mean really talk – I think we need that. Your classes are a lot harder than mine this semester, it might make sense that you need to release stress.Ellie: I assume you mean in some other way than throwing objects at your head.Andrea: Well, yeah. But also in ways that will make you feel better.Ellie: Yeah, I did feel bad about that the other night. I’m sorry.Andrea: I am too for not being understanding about your schedule and stress. Maybe if we set aside a time each week to sit down and talk, we could avoid these fights.Ellie: That makes sense. I do feel like I don’t know what’s going on with you anymore. Let’s plan a lunch date this week. Think about the different orientations demonstrated by Ellie and Andrea in this scenario. What kind of conflict orientation does Ellie demonstrate? What kind of conflict orientation does Andrea demonstrate? Support your answer.Identify the responses to conflict that are present in this scenario? Do you see inclinations to exit, neglect, show loyalty, or voice conflict? What consequences result from the conflict responses used in this dialog?Is meta communication used constructively or unproductively in this example?

Paragraph 4: What conflict script did you learn in your family? Think back to your adolescence and try to remember rules for conflict that your family modeled implicitly and principles of conflict that your family explicitly endorsed. 1. Did people openly disagree with each other?2. What was said when disagreements surfaced 3. Did your parents suggest it was rude to argue? 4. Did they encourage open discussion of differences? Were there any “rules’ for how to argue? 5. What happened if disagreements were dealt with directly? Was the conflict resolved? What was the climate in the family like after the conflict? 6. How do you currently reflect your family’s conflict script? Now that you can edit family scripts and add your own, how would you like to deal with conflict?

Paragraph 5: Respond thoughtfully to 2 classmates’ posts: 1st Peer’s post: “1.AssertationMy favorite part of this chapter is: “Assertiveness represents a balance between self-interest and empathy.” because this idea is very interesting because it challenges the traditional understanding of assertiveness. Often, people may understand assertiveness as a self-centered or selfish trait, associating it with strength and insensitivity. However, this passage presents a very different perspective. In this balance, an assertive person is able to express his or her own needs, thoughts, and feelings while also understanding and respecting the feelings and needs of others. This means that assertiveness is not a mere self-centeredness, but an ability to include others and respect them.2.Win win situationThe practical concept I learned is Win-Win Problem Solving, which centers on the idea of finding a solution that benefits all parties involved, rather than only one party gaining while the other loses. When I deal with conflicts or disagreements with my friends in life, in order not to affect our friendship, I will first express my recognition of the degree of the other party, and express my views rationally, rather than arguing for the sake of arguing. So not only can I express myself reasonably, but I can also not hurt the friendship.This way, you not only communicate effectively but also preserve the integrity of your friendships, fostering win-win outcomes that benefit everyone involved. It’s a valuable skill that promotes harmonious relationships and strengthens bonds with those around you.3.Paragraph.A In this scene, Ellie shows conflict tendencies of avoidance and aggression, while Andrea shows conflict tendencies of cooperation and problem solving. Ellie’s conflictual tendencies are reflected in her impatience and emotional reactions to Andrea and her shirking of responsibility. She tries to avoid and evade the problem by placing the blame on Andrea, and her responses are aggressive and emotional. In contrast, Andrea demonstrates a conflictual tendency to cooperate and solve problems. She attempted to have an honest dialog with Ellie, expressing her feelings and seeking solutions to the problem. She offers constructive suggestions in hopes of resolving the conflict through communication and understanding each other’s positions.B In this scene, withdrawal and aggressive tendencies emerge. Ellie tries to avoid the problem while Andrea tries to solve the problem through communication and understanding. If they continue along their tendencies, this could lead to further conflict and undesirable consequences such as alienation or increased arguing.C In this example, Andrea’s conflict response is more constructive in that she tries to solve problems and improve their relationship through dialog. Ellie’s conflict response, on the other hand, is more unproductive in that she tries to avoid the problem, puts the blame on Andrea, and displays aggressive and emotional behavior.4.Apply to familyIn my family, people usually express different opinions openly. We are encouraged to speak our minds and to respect the views of others . When disagreements arise, I usually try to express my ideas with respect and understanding and try to reach a consensus or solution. In my family, arguing is considered rude. We were taught to resolve disagreements with respect and understanding, rather than solving problems through arguing or conflict. My parents encouraged open discussion of disagreements and we had rules to ensure that discussions were constructive, such as respecting each other’s opinions, listening to each other, and avoiding accusations and offensive remarks. Dealing with disagreements directly usually leads to problem solving or consensus. Once the conflict is resolved, the family atmosphere usually becomes more relaxed and congenial. I currently reflect some of the conflict scripts I learned in my family, such as respecting and understanding the other person’s point of view and the tendency to try to find common ground and solutions. I would like to continue to respect and understand others’ perspectives, as well as be more open and tolerant of disagreements in order to resolve problems more effectively and maintain a good family atmosphere. I would also like to be more courageous in expressing my thoughts and needs, and to learn to listen to others and respect their positions.”2nd Peer’s post:“Cultural Expectations:1) “Females are typically expected to be accommodating and males to be competitive.” According to chapter 8 there are gender differences. I thought this was particularly interesting because it states that woman’s genetics tend to be more nurturing and men naturally tend to be more competitive. I think it’s very important that it mentions that the cultural expectations for men and women to fit into these unrealistic standards can come with issues. Although there are genetic tendencies it’s important to note that we can not put people in a box. Not all men are competitive and men are capable of being nurturing and vice versa for women. I think this it’s good information to understand human communication but we must keep in mind the danger of a single story and stereotyping. Its good to note tendencies but we must also be sure to not cultivate unrealistic expectations and stereotypes. In my life…A concept I’d like to apply in my life is choosing the most appropriate method of conflict resolution. Chapter 8 advises to be open to these 4 methods :-Consider deferring to the other person. -Consider compromising-consider competing-consider cooperatingI think this is very important to apply in daily life situations like consider deferring to the other person when you are wrong. Although this is difficult to do… when communicating effectively, it’s important to keep and open mind and acknowledge when you are in the wrong. I will try to do this if I get into any argument with my peers family or friends. I also really enjoyed how it said consider competing. This means that when the issue is too important and when the peer is open to listening, when it really matters you can stand up for what you believe to be right. I have a hard time with this and voicing my opinion when it matters but this text is more affirming and I will try to be more assertive when the other person is taking advantage of my non-competitiveness. Communication Check!The conversation displays “problem orientation” in this conversation Andrea is addressing Ellie to solve the issue how they don’t talk like they used to. Andrea tries to voice her concerns and Ellie acts like dosn’t know what Andrea is talking about which is neglect. Ellie displays more passive aggressive conflict orientation Andrea displays more assertive behavior. Ellie is passive aggressive because she is subtly aggressive. She displays trivial tyrannizing behavior by doing small things to drive Andrea like calling Andrea names and throwing the alarm clock instead of directly addressing the actual problem. She also uses sarcasm that is not helpful to solving the problem like when Andrea is trying to say how they don’t communicate like they used to and Ellie says sarcastically “then what are we doing now”. Andrea is more Assertive because she clearly but kindly and respectfully tries to solve the problem between her and Ellie without name calling or aggressive behavior. It is clear that Andrea’s intent is for a “win-win” solution. Andrea uses meta communication constructively where Ellie is dismissive and unproductive with her attitude and responses in the beginning but then the communication becomes constructive towards the end and they find common ground and come up with a solution.Learned conflictIn my family I avoided a lot of conflict and had learned non-assertive behavior. When disagreements surfaced with my parents the rule was don’t argue and the parent was always right. There were not many open discussions we just needed to accept what the parent said and “don’t talk back”. I do not agree with this type of conflict style. I feel like everyone has the right to respectfully voice their opinion. Because of growing up this way I struggle to voice anything at all really but I am getting better at being assertive in an effective and respectful way.” Managing Conflict
in Interpersonal
Relationships
CHAPTER OUTLINE
8
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Understanding Interpersonal Conflict 215
Communication Climates in Interpersonal Relationships 216
T
Confirming and Disconfirming Messages
T
How Communication Climates Develop
Explain the unavoidable but
potentially problematic role
of conflict in interpersonal
relationships.
Approaches to Conflict 222
T
Styles of Expressing Conflict
,.. Characteristics of an Assertive Message
,.. Gender and Conflict Style
T
Cultural Influences on Conflict
T
Conflict in Online Communication
Managing Interpersonal Conflicts 234
T
Methods for Conflict Resolution
T
Steps in Win-Win Problem Solving
Describe the role of
communication climate and
relational spirals in interpersonal
relationships, and practice
communication strategies for
keeping relationships healthy.
Identify characteristics of
nonassertive, indirect,
passive-aggressive, directly
aggressive, and assertive
communication, and explain
how conflict approaches vary.
Explain the differences
among win-lose, lose-lose,
compromising, and win-win
approaches to conflict resolution,
and apply the steps involved in
achieving win-win solutions.
213
IT WAS A MAGIC MOMENT-a couple who met as lifeguards 25
years before, now happily married with children, sharing a nostalgic
swim in a beautiful lake. As the couple paused to tread water, “our
eyes met,” remembers the wife. “I let my sentiments roam freely,
tenderly telling Steve, ‘I’m so glad we decided to do this together.”‘
Consider the relevance
of relational climate and
conflict to your own life:
She luxuriated in the moment, expecting “an equally gushing
response.” Instead, Steve said, “Yeah. Water’s good,” and starting
paddling again.1
As quickly and unexpectedly as that, the seeds of conflict can
emerge. It’s no one’s fault, necessarily. Goals and expectations differ.
@
Is the emotional tone of your
most important relationships
warm and welcoming,
stagnant, or chilly and
unsatisfying? How so?
When they do, hurt feelings and frustration can quickly escalate into
resentment or arguments.
The woman sharing a nostalgic swim with her husband was
Brene Brown, a social work scholar and author of numerous books
about embracing one’s imperfections and daring to be vulnerable.
That doesn’t make her impervious to hurt feelings, of course. “Didn’t
@
Recall a recent verbal or nonverbal message that made
you feel good about yourself.
Now think of one that made
you feel frustrated or unappreciated. What was different
about these episodes?
he hear me?” she remembers thinking, as her husband swam away.
“My emotional reaction was embarrassment, with shame rising.” 2
You’ve probably found yourself at odds with someone who
is important to you. Conflict management is one of the biggest
challenges we face in close relationships-whether with romantic
partners, friends, coworkers, or family members.
This chapter will help you understand what kinds of communication create a supportive relational environment. It will also give you a
toolkit for managing disagreements effectively. You might discover a
0
What happened the last time
you openly disagreed with
someone? Was your relationship with that person better
or worse afterward?
new appreciation for conflict as a means to transform and strengthen
relationships.
Understanding Interpersonal Conflict
Understanding Interpersonal
Conflict
Hurt but not defeated, Brene Brown decided to try again when she and
her husband reached the opposite shore of the lake. “I flashed a smile in
hopes of softening him up and doubled down on my bid for connection,”
she recalls. She again looked him in the eyes, and this time said, “This is
so great. I love that we’re doing this. I feel so close to you.” Her husband
replied, “Yep. Good swim,” and swam away toward the original shore.
After being twice disappointed, Brene remembers thinking indignantly,
“This is total horseshit.”3
You might like to think that such an experience would never happen in
your relationships. But regardless of what we may wish for or dream about,
a conflict-free world just doesn’t exist. Even the best communicators, the
luckiest people, are bound to find themselves in situations in which their
needs don’t match the needs of others. Money, time, power, sex, humor,
and aesthetic taste, as well as a thousand other issues, arise and keep us
from living in a state of perpetual agreement.
Many people think that the existence of conflict means that there’s
little chance for happy relationships with others. Effective communicators know differently, however. They realize that although it’s impossible
to eliminate conflict, there are ways to manage it effectively. And those
effective communicators know the main point of this chapter-that
managing conflict skillfully can lead to healthier, stronger, and more satisfying
relationships.
Whatever form it may take, every interpersonal conflict involves an expressed
struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from one another in achieving their
goals. 4
A closer look at four parts of this definition helps illustrate the conditions that
give rise to interpersonal conflict:
1. Expressed struggle. Granted, there are times when we fume to ourselves
rather than expressing our frustration. You may be upset for months because
a friendly neighbor’s loud music keeps you from getting to sleep at night.
That’s most accurately described as internal conflict. Actual interpersonal
conflict requires that both parties know a disagreement exists, such as when
you let the neighbor know that you don’t appreciate the decibel level. You
might say this in words. Or you might use nonverbal cues, as in giving the
neighbor a mean look, avoiding him, or slamming your windows shut. One
way or another, once both parties know that a problem exists, it’s an interpersonal conflict. In Brem~ Brown’s swimming story, the conflict has yet to
be expressed, but it will be.
2. Interdependence. However antagonistic they might feel toward each other,
the parties in a conflict are usually dependent on each other. The welfare
and satisfaction of one depend on the actions of another. After all, if they
didn’t need each other to solve the problem, they could solve it themselves
or go their separate ways. Although this seems obvious from a distance,
many people don’t realize it in the midst of a disagreement. One of the first
steps toward resolving a conflict is to take the attitude that “we’re in this
together.”
No matter how satisfying your
relationships, some degree of conflict is
inevitable.
When do you find yourself most at odds
with the people who matter most? How
do you handle conflicts when they arise?
conflict An expressed struggle
between at least two interdependent
parties who perceive incompatible goals,
scarce rewards, and interference from
the other party in achieving their goals.
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
~ ASK YOURSELF
Think of a time in
which you and a relational partner experienced conflict. What
goals and resources
were involved? Were
you able to express
your feelings to each
other and reach a
mutually satisfying
conclusion? Why or
why not?
3. Perceived incompatible goals. Conflicts often look as if one party’s
gain will be another’s loss. If your neighbor turns down his loud music,
he loses the enjoyment of hearing it the way he wants, but if he keeps the
volume up, then you’re still awake and unhappy. It helps to realize that
goals often are not as oppositional as they seem. Solutions may exist that
allow both parties to get what they want. For instance, you could achieve
peace and quiet by closing your windows and getting the neighbor to do
the same. You might use earplugs. Or perhaps the neighbor could get a
set of headphones and listen to the music at full volume without bothering anyone. If any of these solutions proves workable, then the conflict
disappears.
Unfortunately, people often fail to see mutually satisfying answers to
their problems. And as long as they perceive their goals to be mutually
exclusive, they may create a self-fulfilling prophecy in which the conflict
is very real.
4. Perceived scarce resources. In a conflict, people often believe that there
isn’t enough of the desired resource to go around. That’s one reason conflict
so often involves money.
If a person asks for a pay raise and the boss would rather keep the money or
use it to expand the business, then the two parties are in conflict.
Time is another scarce commodity. As authors, we constantly struggle
about how to use the limited time we have to spend. Should we work on
this book? Visit with our partners? Spend time with our kids? Enjoy the
luxury of being alone? With only 24 hours in a day, we’re bound to end up
in conflicts with our families, editors, students, and friends-all of whom
want more of our time than we have available to give. You probably know
the feeling well.
Having laid out the ingredients for conflict and acknowledged that it’s a fact of
life, let’s turn our attention to ways that we can manage conflict effectively and
even use it to strength our relationships. Creating a healthy relational climate is
a good first step.
Communication Climates in
Interpersonal Relationships
As Brene and Steve swam back across the lake, she envisioned the day unfolding
in a pattern they had enacted many times before when they were frustrated with
each other. She predicted that Steve would say, “What’s for breakfast, babe?” and
she would roll her eyes and say: “Gee, Steve. I forgot how vacation works. I forgot
that I’m in charge of breakfast. And lunch. And dinner. And laundry. And packing and goggles. And … “5
communication climate The
emotional tone of a relationship as it
is expressed in the messages that the
partners send and receive.
You get the point. Every relationship has a communication climate-an emotional
tone. It’s a lot like the weather. Some communication climates are fair and warm,
whereas others are stormy and cold. Some are polluted and others healthy. Some
relationships have stable climates, whereas others change dramatically-calm one
moment and turbulent the next. Although the sun was shining, Brene predicted that
a metaphorical dark cloud was brewing for her and her husband.
A communication climate doesn’t involve specific activities as much as the
way people feel about one another as they carry out those activities. Consider two
communication classes, for example. Both meet for the same length of time and
Communication Climates in Interpersonal Relationships
SELF-ASSESSMENT
How Sunny Is Your Communication Climate?
Think of an important person in your life-perhaps a friend, a roommate, a family member, or a romantic partner.
Choose the option in each group in the following list that best describes how you communicate with each other, then
see what your answers suggest about your relational climate.
1. When I am upset about something, my relational partner is most likely to:
a. ignore how I feel
b. say I should have tried harder to fix or avoid the problem
c. listen to me and provide emotional support
2. When we are planning a weekend activity and I want to do something my partner doesn’t want to do, I tend to:
a. suggest another option we will both enjoy
b. beg until I get my way
c. cancel our plans and engage in the activity with someone else
3. When my partner and I disagree about a controversial subject, we usually:
a. accuse the other person of using poor judgment or ignoring the facts
b. ask questions and listen to the other person’s viewpoint
c. avoid the subject
4. If I didn’t hear from my partner for a while, I would probably:
a. call or text to make sure everything was okay
b. not notice
c. feel angry about being ignored
5. The statement we are most likely to make during a typical conversation sounds something like this:
a. “Were you saying something?”
b. “I appreciate the way you …”
c. “You always forget to …”
Evaluating Your Responses
Circle your answers to this self-assessment on the grid below. (Note that they do not appear in alphabetical order.) Then
read the forecast on the row where most of your answers appear.
Grouping 1
Relationship Forecast
C
a
b
a
b
Indications are that your relational climate is
warm and sunny, with a high probability of
descriptive and supportive communication.
b
b
a
C
C
Your relationship tends to be turbulent,
with frequent outbreaks of controlling
or defensive behavior. Storm warning:
Escalatory conflict spirals can cause serious
damage.
a
C
C
b
a
Beware of falling temperatures. It’s natural
for people to drift apart to some degree,
but your relationship shows signs of chilly
indifference and neutrality.
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
follow the same syllabus. It’s easy to imagine how one of these classes might be a
friendly, comfortable place to learn, whereas the other might be cold and tenseeven hostile. The same principle holds for families, coworkers, and other relationships. Communication climates are a function more of the way people feel about
one another than of the tasks they perform.
Communication climate influences how people respond when conflict emerges
in a relationship. As you will see in the following section, some relationships involve
trust and respect, whereas others are steeped in criticism and defensiveness.
Confirming and Disconfirming Messages
What makes some climates positive and others negative? A short but accurate
answer is that the communication climate is determined by the degree to which
people see themselves as valued. When we believe others view us as important, we
are likely to feel good about our relationships with them. By contrast, the relational
climate suffers when we think others don’t appreciate or care about us.
As you read in Chapter 7, every message has relational dimensions. This means
that, whether or not we are aware of the fact, we send and receive confirming and
disconfirming messages virtually whenever we communicate. In other words, it
isn’t what we communicate about that shapes a relational climate so much as how
we speak and act toward one another.
confirming messages Actions and
words that express respect and show
that we value the other person.
Messages that show you are valued are called confirming. 6
Brem~ was trying to engage Steve in a confirming exchange when she told him she
was glad to be there with him. She remembers how she felt when she didn’t receive
the validation she had expected in return:
Confirming Messages
“I thought What’s going on? I don’t know ifl’m supposed to feel humiliated
or hostile. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream. “7
When we feel hurt, it may be difficult to articulate exactly what we want. And when
we’re in Steve’s shoes, we may be at a loss for how to respond. We can learn some
valuable tools from scholars, who have identified three main categories of confirming communication. 8 Here are those categories, in order from the most basic to the
most powerful.
1. Show recognition. The most fundamental act of confirmation is to recognize the other person. Recognition seems easy and obvious, and yet there
are many times when we don’t respond to others on this basic level. Brem~
remembers that when Steve tossed off his “Yep. Good swim” response, “he
seemed to be looking through me rather than at me.” 9
Your friends may feel a similar sense of being invisible or ignored if you
don’t return phone messages or if you avoid eye contact with them or fail to
say hi when you encounter each other at a party or on the street. Of course,
this lack of recognition may simply be an oversight. You might not notice
your friend, or the pressures of work and school might prevent you from
staying in touch. Nonetheless, if the other person perceives you as avoiding
contact, the message has the effect of being disconfirming.
2. Acknowledge the person’s thoughts and feelings. Acknowledging the
ideas and emotions of others is an even stronger form of confirmation than
simply recognizing them. Listening is probably the most common form of
acknowledgment. Of course, as we discussed in Chapter 5, pretending to
listen when you are actually thinking about something else or gathering
ammunition for a rebuttal has the opposite effect of acknowledgment. It’s
Communication Climates in Interpersonal Relationships
more confirming to ask questions, paraphrase, and reflect on what people
are sharing with you. Not surprisingly, leaders who are supportive of others
and their ideas are more successful than leaders who are more concerned
with promoting their own image and ideas. 10
3. Show that you agree. Whereas acknowledgment means you are interested
in other people’s ideas, endorsement means that you agree with them. It’s
easy to see why endorsement is the strongest type of confirming message: It
communicates that we have a lot in common and that we are in sync. Not
surprisingly, we tend to be attracted to people who agree with us.11 Fortunately, it isn’t necessary to agree completely with another person in order to
endorse her or his message. You can probably find something in the message that you endorse. “I can see why you were so angry,” you might say to a
friend, even if you don’t approve of his or her outburst. Of course, outright
praise is a strong form of endorsement and one you can use surprisingly
often if you look for opportunities to compliment others.
It’s hard to overstate the importance of confirming messages. For example,
people who offer confirmation generously are usually considered to be more
appealing candidates for marriage than their less appreciative peers. 12 This preference is well founded. One of the most accurate ways to predict whether a marriage
will last is to consider how positive a couple’s communication is while they are
dating. 13 This applies to both spoken words such as “thank you” and “I love you”
and to nonverbal cues such as smiles and signs of affection. 14
Positive, confirming messages are just as important in other relationships. For
example, family members are most satisfied when they regularly encourage each
other, joke around, and share news about their day. 15 And in the classroom, motivation and learning increase when teachers demonstrate a genuine interest and
concern for students. 16
Of course, confirming messages are only credible if the person delivering
them seems sincere. 17 If a parent or teacher says, “You are incredibly smart” with a
frustrated look on her face, it may be received as veiled criticism (“So why are you
acting this way?”) rather than a compliment.
Disconfirming Messages In contrast to confirming communication, disconfirming messages deny the value of other people. 18 Disagreement can be disconfirming,
especially if it goes beyond disputing the other person’s ideas and attacks the speaker
personally. However, disagreement is not the most damaging kind of disconfirmation. Personal attacks such as “You’re crazy” are even tougher to hear.
Source: Ted Goff, North America Syndicate, 1994
disconfirming messages Words and
actions that express a lack of caring or
respect for another person.
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
UNDERSTANDING COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGY
Can You Hear Me Now?
Thanks to technology, people have never been more
connected-or more alienated.
I have traveled 36 hours to a conference on robotic technology in central Japan. The grand ballroom is Wi-Fi enabled,
and the speaker is using the Web for his presentation. Laptops are open, fingers are flying. But the audience is not
listening. Most seem to be doing their email, downloading
files, surfing the Web, or looking for a cartoon to illustrate
an upcoming presentation. Every once in a while audience
members give the speaker some attention, lowering their
laptop screens in a kind of digital curtsy.
In the hallway outside the plenary session, attendees are on
their phones or using laptops and PDAs to check their email.
Clusters of people chat with one another, making dinner
plans, “networking” in that old sense of the term-the
sense that implies sharing a meal. But at this conference it
is clear that what people mostly want from public space is
to be alone with their personal networks. It is good to come
together physically, but it is more important to stay tethered
to the people who define one’s virtual identity, the identity
that counts.
We live in tech no-enthusiastic times, and we are most likely
to celebrate our gadgets. Certainly the advertising that sells
us our devices has us working from beautiful, remote locations that signal our status. We are connected, tethered, so
important that our physical presence is no longer required.
There is much talk of new efficiencies; we can work from
anywhere and all the time. But tethered life is complex; it is
helpful to measure our thrilling new networks against what
they may be doing to us as people. 19
Sherry Turkle
John Cottman, who has spent more than four decades studying how couples
communicate, can predict with a rate of accuracy approaching 90% whether or not
a married couple is headed toward divorce, mostly on the basis of their disconfirming behaviors.2°Cottman calls the most hurtful of these the “Four Horsemen
of the Apocalypse” because, when they are present on a regular basis, a relationship is usually is serious trouble and unlikely to survive.2 1 Here they are:
criticism A message that is personal,
all-encompassing, and accusatory.
contempt Verbal and nonverbal
messages that ridicule or belittle the
other person .
defensiveness Protecting oneself by
counterattacking the other person .
stonewalling Refusing to engage with
the other person .
1. Partners criticize each other. In contrast to complaints, which may focus
on specific behaviors, criticism is personal, all-encompassing, and accusatory (“You ‘re lazy.” or “The only person you lhink aboul is yourself”).
2. Partners show contempt. Contempt takes criticism to an ever more
hurtful level by mocking, belittling, or ridiculing the other person (“You ‘re
pathetic. You disgust me.”). Whereas criticism implies “You are flawed,” contempt implies “I hate you .”22 Expressions of contempt may be explicit, but
they are more often expressed nonverbally-by sneering, eye rolling, and a
condescending tone of voice. Cottman flatly states that the single best single
predictor of divorce is contempt. 23
3. Partners are defensive. When faced with criticism and contempt, it’s not
surprising that partners react with defensiveness-protecting their selfworth by counterattacking (“You ‘re calling me a careless driver? You’re the one
who got a speeding ticket last month.”). Once an attack-and-defend pattern
develops, conflict usually escalates or partners start to avoid each other.
4. One or both partners engage in stonewalling. One of the most harmful disconfirming messages is stonewalling-a form of avoidance in which
one person refuses to engage with the other. Walking away or giving one’s
partner the silent treatment conveys the message “You aren’t even worth my
attention.”
Communication Climates in Interpersonal Relationships
TACTIC
DESCRIPTION
Avoidance
Evading the other person.
Deception
Lying to or misleading the other person.
Degrading
Treating the other person with disrespect
Detachment
Acting emotionally uninterested in the other person.
Discounting
Disregarding or minimizing the Importance of what the other person says.
Humoring
Not taking the other person seriously.
I Impersonality
Inattention
I Nonlmmedlacy
Reserve
I Restraint
Restriction of topics
I Shortening of Interaction
Treating the other person like a stranger; Interacting with her or him as a role rather than a unique
Individual.
Not paying attention to the other person.
Displaying verbal or nonverbal clues that minimize Interest, closeness, or availability.
Being unusually quiet and uncommunicative.
Curtalllng normal social behaviors.
Limiting conversation to less personal topics.
Ending conversations asquickly as possible.
Source: Adapted from Hess, J. A. (2002). Distance regulation in personal relationships: The development of a conceptual model and a test of representational validity.
Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19, 663- 683.
These are the big offenders on Gottman’s list, but people may engage in a
number of other disconfirming messages as well. Table 8-1 lists a variety of tactics
people use to create distance between themselves and others. It’s easy to see how
each of them is inherently disconfirming.
It’s important to note that disconfirming messages, like virtually every other
kind of communication, are a matter of perception. That’s why it can be a good
idea to perception check before jumping to conclusions: “Were you laughing at my
joke because you think I look stupid, or was it something else?”
How Communication Climates Develop
When we left Brene and Steve on their swim across the lake, she was feeling
hurt and was already imagining the bickering that might lay ahead for them.
One challenge of conflict management is that we tend to feel defensive and
angry when our expectations are thwarted or we don’t agree with our relational
partners. That’s natural. But acting defensively can make a difficult situation
even worse. One comment can escalate into hours of snide comments or tense
silence.
A relational spiral is a reciprocal communication pattern in which each person’s message reinforces the other’s. 24 This affect is captured in the old saying
“what goes around comes around.” In positive spirals, one partner’s confirming
message leads to a positive response from the other person. This positive reaction,
in turn, leads the first person to be even more reinforcing, and so on.
relational spiral A reciprocal communication pattern in which each person’s
message reinforces the other’s.
cultural idiom
what goes around comes around:
Expect to be treated the way you have
treated others.
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
escalatory spiral A reciprocal pattern of communication in which messages, either confirming or
disconfirming, between two or more communicators
reinforce one another.
avoidance spiral A communication spiral in which the
parties slowly reduce their dependence on one another,
withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship.
Here are some ways to initiate positive spirals
and avoid negative ones, based on the work of
Jack Gibb.33
D Avoid judgmental statements. Don’t
make “you” statements, such as “You don’t
know what you’re talking about” and “You
smoke too much,” which are likely to cause
defensiveness and escalate conflict.
D Use “I” language. Statements such as “/ get
frustrated when you interrupt me” focus on
the speaker’s thoughts and feelings instead
of judging the listener. The best “I” statements are specific.
D Avoid attempts to control or manipulate
the other person. Be careful not to impose
your preferences without regard for the
other’s needs or interests.
Negative spirals are just as powerful, although they leave the partners feeling worse about themselves and each other. For example,
when one partner refuses to talk about a sensitive issue, the other
partner is likely to become frustrated and distant as well, 2 5 and when
one person criticizes another, a tit-for-tat pattern of destructive criticism often emerges. 26 Conversely, when one partner shows empathy,
the other is more likely to show empathy in return, and conflicts are
more likely to be resolved to both people’s satisfaction. 2 7
Escalatory spirals are the most visible way that disconfirming
messages reinforce one another. 2 8 One attack leads to another until
a skirmish escalates into a full-fledged battle. Although they are less
obvious, avoidance spirals can also be destructive. 2 9 Rather than
fighting, the parties slowly lessen their dependence on one another,
withdraw, and become less invested in the relationship.
Spirals rarely go on indefinitely. Even the best relationships can
go through periods of conflict and withdrawal. If the spiral is negative, partners may find the exchange growing so unpleasant that
they switch from negative to positive messages without discussing
the matter. In other cases, they may engage in metacommunication.
“Hold on,” one might say. “This is getting us nowhere.” In still other
cases, however, partners may pass the “point of no return,” leading to
the breakup of a relationship.
It often feels that relational spirals have a life of their own.
People may be inclined, even without thinking about it, to mirror
and escalate their partners’ behaviors, even if they are harmful to the
relationship. The best communicators recognize this tendency and
make mindful choices instead. To illustrate, let’s return to Steve and
Brene Brown’s experience on the lake.
When the couple reached the dock where their swim had started, Brene
decided to talk about her problem. Rather than blaming Steve for her
hurt feelings, which was likely to escalate a conflict spiral, she said to him
instead, “I’ve been trying to connect with you and you keep blowing me
off I don’t get it. 113 0
Keep reading to see what happened next. In the meantime, take
the “How Sunny Is Your Communication Climate?” self-assessment
quiz on page 217 and follow along as we take a closer look at different approaches and techniques for managing interpersonal conflict.
Approaches to Conflict
A popular school of thought suggests that conflict involves the dual
concerns of (1) pursuing our own goals and agendas and (2) empathizing with other people. 3 1•32 You might assume that the most effective conflict managers tip the scales in favor of empathy. As you will
see, there are situations in which that is a good strategy, just as there
are times when pushing for a particular outcome outweighs other
concerns. Most of the time, however, effective conflict management
involves balancing these dual concerns. In this section, we explore five
conflict styles and then consider the influence of gender, culture, and
online communication on conflict communication. As you read, ask
yourself which of these factors best reflect your conflict approach.
Approaches to Conflict
Styles of Expressing Conflict
This section describes five ways people can act when their needs are not
met (summarized in Table 8-2). As you will see, some approaches are
more productive than others. As you read on, ask yourself which styles
you use most often and how these styles affect the quality of your close
relationships.
Nonassertion The inability or unwillingness to express thoughts or
feelings in a conflict is known as nonassertion. Sometimes nonassertion comes from a lack of confidence. At other times, people lack
the awareness or skill to use a more direct means of expression.
Sometimes people know how to communicate in a straightforward way but choose to behave nonassertively. For example, women
are less likely to clearly refuse an unwanted request for physical intimacy from a dating partner they would like to see in the future than
from one they don’t want to see again. 34
Nonassertion can take a variety of forms. One is avoidance-either
physically (putting distance between yourself and a friend after an
argument) or conversational (changing the topic, joking, or denying
that a problem exists). People who avoid conflicts usually believe it’s
easier to put up with the status quo than to face the problem headon and try to solve it. Accommodation is another type of nonassertive
response. Accommodators deal with conflict by giving in, thus putting the other’s needs ahead of their own.
Despite the obvious drawbacks of nonassertion, there are situations when accommodating or avoiding is a sensible approach.
Avoidance may be the best course if a conflict is minor and short
lived. For example, you might let a friend’s annoying grumpiness
pass without saying anything, knowing that he is having one of
his rare bad days. Likewise, you might not complain to a neighbor
whose loud music only rarely disturbs you. You may also reasonably
choose to say nothing if the conflict occurs in an unimportant relationship, as with an acquaintance whose language you find offensive
but whom you don’t see often. Finally, you might choose to keep
quiet if the risk of speaking up is too great: getting fired from a job
you can’t afford to lose, being humiliated in public, or even risking
physical harm.
Assertiveness is most important when the issue and relationship
matter a great deal. In one study, couples volunteered to be videotaped while they talked about sources of conflict in their marriages. 35
Researchers compared the couple’s communication techniques to
their marital satisfaction scores. They found that when the issue was
a relatively minor one, the happiest couples used indirect behaviors
such as hinting. However, when the issue was of great concern, relationship satisfaction increased among the couples who addressed the
issue assertively rather than indirectly. This was true even when the
couples used communication techniques that are typically considered
negative, such as blaming each other, making demands, or rejecting
their partners’ explanations. The researchers concluded that strong
words should be used sparingly, but that overreacting is sometimes
preferable to downplaying a serious concern.
The clearest communication is not necessarily the best approach. Indirect communication conveys a message
Indirect Communication
CHECKLIST Continued
D Focus on mutually beneficial problem
solving. You can help build a healthy relational climate by seeking solutions that
satisfy both your needs and other people’s
(see p. 236).
D Be honest. Think about what you want to
say, and plan the wording of your message
carefully so that you can express yourself
clearly.
D Show empathy. Empathic messages show
that you accept another person’s feelings
and can put yourself in his or her place.
D Treat others as your equal. People who
convey an attitude of equality communicate
that, although they may have greater talent
than others in certain areas, other people
have just as much worth as they do.
D Be open to others’ viewpoints. Dogmatic and unyielding people stimulate feelings of defensiveness in others. Even when
you have strong opinions about a topic, it’s
important to acknowledge that you don’t
have a corner on the truth.
nonassertion The inability or unwillingness to
express one’s thoughts or feelings.
indirect communication Hinting at a message
instead of expressing thoughts and feelings directly.
cultural idioms
hold on: wait
face the problem head-on: confront
directly
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
APPROACH TO OTHERS
I’m not okay,
you’re okay.
I’m okay, you’re
not okay. (But
111 let you think
youareJ
I’m okay, you’re not
okay.
I’m okay, you’re not
okay.
I’m okay, you’re
okay.
DECISION MAKING
Lets others
choose.
Chooses for
others. They
don’t know it.
Chooses for others.
They don’t know it.
Chooses for others.
They know it.
Chooses for self.
SELF-SUFFICIENCY
Low.
High or low.
Looks high but
usually low.
High or low.
Usually high.
BEHAVIOR IN PROB·
Flees, gives in.
Strategic,
oblique
behavior.
Concealed attack.
Outright attack.
Direct
confrontation.
RESPONSE OF OTHERS
Disrespect,
guilt, anger,
frustration.
Unknowing
compliance or
resistance.
Confusion,
frustration, feelings of
manipulation.
Hurt, defensiveness,
humlllatlon.
Mutual respect.
SUCCESS PATTERN
Succeeds by
luck or charity
of others.
Gains unwitting
compliance of
others.
Wins by manipulation.
Beats out others.
Attempts “winwin” solutions.
LEM SITUATIONS
cultural idioms
test the waters: try before committing
softening the blow: easing the effect
punch: force or effectiveness
in a roundabout manner in order to save face for the recipient. 36 Although indirect
communication lacks the clarity of an aggressive or assertive message, it involves
more initiative than nonassertion. It also has none of the hostility of passiveaggressive “crazymaking.” The goal is to get what you want without arousing the
hostility of the other person. Consider the case of the neighbor’s loud music. One
indirect approach would be to strike up a friendly conversation with the neighbor
and ask if anything you are doing is too noisy for him, hoping he will get the hint.
Because it saves face for the other party, indirect communication is often
kinder than blunt honesty. If your guests are staying too long, it’s probably kinder
to yawn and hint about your big day tomorrow than to bluntly ask them to leave.
Likewise, if you’re not interested in going out with someone who has asked you for
a date, it may be more compassionate to claim that you’re busy than to say, ‘Tm
not interested in seeing you.”
At other times we communicate indirectly in order to protect ourselves. You
might, for example, test the waters by hinting instead of directly asking the boss
for a raise, or by letting your partner know indirectly that you could use some
affection, instead of asking outright. At times like these, an oblique approach may
get the message across while softening the blow of a negative response.
The advantages of protecting oneself and saving face for others help explain
why indirect communication is the most common way people make requests,
especially if we don’t know the person well or if we feel intimidated about
asking. 37 The risk of an indirect message, of course, is that the other party will
misunderstand you or fail to get the message at all. There are also times when the
importance of an idea is so great that hinting lacks the necessary punch. When
clarity and directness are your goals, an assertive approach is in order.
Approaches to Conflict
Passive Aggression Passive aggression occurs when a communicator expresses hostility in an obscure way. Psychologist
George Bach identified the following varieties of crazymaking38 behavior:
1. Pseudoaccommodators pretend to agree with you.
A passively aggressive person might commit to something (“I’ll be on time from now on”) but not actually do it.
2. Guiltmakers try to make you feel bad.
A guiltmaker will agree to something and then make you
feel responsible for the hardship it causes him or her (“J
really should be studying, but I’ll give you a ride”).
3. Jokers use humor as a weapon.
An underhanded joker uses humor as an excuse to say
unkind things and then claim innocence (“Where’s your
sense of humor?”).
4. Trivial tyrannizers do small things to drive you crazy.
Rather than express his or her feelings outright, the
trivial tyrannizer does annoying things such as “forgetting” to clean the kitchen or pass along a message as
promised.
S. Withholders keep back something valuable.
A withholder punishes others by refusing to provide
thoughtful gestures such as courtesy, affection, or humor.
The introverted scientist Raj Koothrappali (Kunal Nayyar) on The Big
Bang Theory is comfortable managing disagreements with most of
his best friends. When strangers or women (such as Penny, played by
Kaley Cuoco) are involved, however, he often resorts to whispering
or going silent.
In what situations do you feel confident engaging in conflict
management? When do you feel intimidated?
It’s easy to understand the destructive effects of passive aggression, which can
be as hurtful as direct aggression, discussed next.
Direct Aggression Whereas nonasserters avoid conflicts, communicators who
use direct aggression embrace them. A directly aggressive message confronts the
other person in a way that attacks his or her position-and even the dignity of the
receiver. Many directly aggressive responses are easy to spot:
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That was a stupid thing to do.”
“What’s the matter with you?”
Other forms of direct aggression come more from nonverbal messages than
from words. It’s easy to imagine a hostile way of expressing statements such as:
passive aggression An indirect
expression of aggression, delivered in a
way that allows the sender to maintain a
facade of kindness.
direct aggression A message that
attacks the position and perhaps the
dignity of the receiver.
assertive communication A style of
communicating that directly expresses
“What is it now?”
“I need some peace and quiet.”
the sender’s needs, thoughts, or feelings, delivered in a way that does not
attack the receiver.
Verbal aggressiveness may get you what you want in the short run. Yelling
“Shut up” might stop the other person from talking, and saying “Get it yourself”
may save you from some exertion, but the relational damage of this approach
probably isn’t worth the cost. Direct aggression can be hurtful, and the consequences for the relationship can be long lasting. 39
Assertion Assertiveness represents a balance between self-interest and empathy.
Assertive people handle conflicts by expressing their needs, thoughts, and feelings clearly and directly but without judging others or dictating to them. They
have the attitude that most of the time it is possible to resolve problems to everyone’s satisfaction.
cultural idiom
in the short run: for a short period
oftime
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
@WORK
Dealing with Sexual Harassment
Sexual harassment takes many forms. It may arise between
many words or deeds that make you uncomfortable may not be
members of the same sex or between men and women . It
deliberately hostile.
can be a blatant sexual overture, or any verbal or nonverbal behavior that creates a hostile work environment. The
harasser can be a supervisor, peer, subordinate, or even
3. Write a personal letter to the harasser.
A written statement may help the harasser to understand what
behavior you find offensive. Just as important, it can show that
someone outside the organization.
you take the problem seriously. Detail specifics about what
Thanks to enlightened company policies and government
legislation, targets of sexual harassment have legal remedies. Although formal complaints are an assertive and
powerful way to protect a target’s rights, they can be time
happened, what behavior you want stopped, and how you felt.
You may want to include a copy of your organization’s sexual
harassment policy. Keep a record of when you delivered your
message.
consuming, and those lodging the complaints sometimes
experience depression, ridicule, isolation, and reprisal. 40
As Chapter 1 explained, competent communication involves
picking the most effective approach. Here are several
options to consider if you or someone you care about
experience harassment:
4. Ask a trusted third party to intervene.
This indirect approach can sometimes persuade the harasser
to stop. The person you choose should be someone who you
are convinced understands your discomfort and supports your
opinion. Also, be sure this intermediary is someone the harasser
41
respects and trusts.
1. Consider dismissing the incident.
This nonassertive approach is only appropriate if you truly
believe that the remark or behavior is trivial. Dismissing
incidents that you believe are important can result in selfblame and diminished self-esteem. Even worse, it can lead to
repetition of the offensive behavior.
5. Use company channels.
Report the situation to your supervisor, personnel office, or
a committee that has been set up to consider harassment
complaints.
6. File a legal complaint.
If all else fails or the incident is egregious, you may file a
2. Tell the harasser to stop.
Assertively tell the harasser early that the behavior is
unwelcome, and insist that it stop immediately. Your statement
should be firm, but it doesn’t have to be angry. Remember that
complaint with the federal Equal Employment Opportunity
Commission or with your state agency. You have the right to
obtain the services of an attorney regarding your legal options.42
Possessing this attitude and the skills to bring it about doesn’t guarantee that
assertive communicators will always get what they want, but it does give them
the best chance of doing so. An additional benefit of such an approach is that
whether or not it satisfies a particular need, it maintains the self-respect of both
the assertors and those with whom they interact. As a result, although people who
manage their conflicts assertively may experience feelings of discomfort while
they are working through the problem, they usually feel better about themselves
and one another afterward-quite a change from the outcomes of nonassertiveness or aggression.
Characteristics of an Assertive Message
Knowing about assertive messages isn’t the same as being able to express them.
The next few pages describe a method for communicating assertively. It works
for a variety of messages: your hopes, problems, complaints, and expressions of
appreciation. Besides giving you a way to express yourself directly, this format
Approaches to Conflict
also makes it easier for others to understand you. A complete assertive message
has five parts:
1. Describe the behavior in question. An assertive description is specific
without being evaluative or judgmental.
Behavioral description: “You asked me to tell you what I really thought about
your idea, and then when I gave it to you, you told me I was too critical.”
Evaluative judgment: “Don’t be so touchy! It’s hypocritical to ask for my opinion and then get mad when I give it to you.”
ETHICAL CHALLENGE
It’s Nothing!
Is it ever justifiable to behave as if you are
angry with someone but refuse to share
your feelings with that person? If so,
when? How wou ld you describe this style
of conflict management?
Judgmental words such as touchy and hypocritical invite a defensive reaction.
The target of your accusation can reply, “I’m not touchy or hypocritical!” It’s
harder to argue with the facts stated in an objective, behavioral description.
Furthermore, the neutral language reduces the chances of a defensive reaction.
2. Share your interpretation of the other person’s behavior. This part
is where you can use the perception-checking skill outlined in Chapter 2
(pp. 53-54). Remember that a complete perception check includes two possible interpretations of the behavior:
“Maybe you think I don’t care because it took me two days to call you back. Is that
it, or is there something else?”
The key is to label your hunches as such instead of suggesting that you are
positive about what the other person’s behavior means.
3. Describe your feelings. Expressing your feelings adds a new dimension to a
message. For example, consider the difference between these two responses:
“When you kiss me and nibble on my ear while we’re watching television [behavior), I think you probably want to make love [interpretation), and I feel excited.”
“When you kiss me and nibble on my ear while we’re watching television [behavior), I think you probably want to make love [interpretation), and I feel disgusted.”
Likewise, adding feelings to the situation we have been examining makes
the assertive message clearer:
“When you said I was too critical after you asked me for my honest opinion
[behavior], it seemed to me that you really didn’t want to hear a critical remark
[interpretation), and I felt stupid for being honest [feeling).”
4. Describe the consequences. A consequence statement explains what happens as a result of the behavior you have described, your interpretation,
and the ensuing feeling. There are three kinds of consequences: (1) What
happens to you, the speaker (“When you tease me, I avoid you”), (2) what happens to the target of the message (“When you drink too much, you start to drive
dangerously”), or (3) what happens to others (“When you play the radio so loud,
it wakes up the baby”).
s. State your intentions. Intention statements are the final element in the
assertive format. They can communicate three kinds of messages:
• Where you stand on an issue: “I want you to know how much this bothers
me” or “I want you to know how much I appreciate your support.”
• Requests of others: “I’d like to know whether you are angry” or “I hope you’ll
come again.”
• Descriptions of how you plan to act in the future: “Don’t expect me ever
to lend you anything again.”
cultural idiom
touchy: easily offended
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
SELF-ASSESSMENT
How Assertive Are You?
Circle your answer to each question using the grid below. Note that the answers do not appear in alphabetical order.
1. You feel you deserve the new corner office that has just become available. What would you do?
a. Hint around that you have outgrown your cubicle.
b. Tell your coworkers, “You deserve it more than I do,” but secretly ask the boss if you can have it.
c. Meet with your supervisor and lay out the reasons you think you deserve the office.
d. Threaten to quit if you aren’t assigned to the office.
e. Stay quiet and hope the boss realizes that you deserve the office.
2. Your best friend just called to cancel your weekend trip together at the last minute. This isn’t the first time your friend has done this,
and you are very disappointed. What do you do?
a. Announce that the friendship is over. That’s no way to treat someone you care about.
b. Reassure your friend that it’s okay and there are no hard feelings.
c. Resolve to cancel the next trip yourself to teach your friend a lesson.
d. Declare, “But I’ve already packed,” hoping your friend will take the hint and decide to go after all.
e. Say, “I feel disappointed, because I enjoy my time with you and because we have made nonrefundable deposits. Can we work
this out?”
3. During a classroom discussion, a fellow student makes a comment that you find offensive. What do you do?
a. Tell the instructor after class that the comment made you uncomfortable.
b. Ignore it.
c. Announce that the statement is the stupidest thing you have ever heard.
d. Say nothing, but tell other people how much you dislike that person.
e. Join the discussion, mention that you see the issue differently, and invite your classmate to explain why he or she feels that
way.
4. You are on a first date when the other person suggests seeing a movie you are sure you will hate. What do you do?
a. Lie and say you’ve already seen it.
b. Say, “Sure!” How bad can it be?
c. Say, “Okaaay,” and raise your eyebrows in a way that suggests your date must be either stupid or kidding.
d. Suggest that you engage in another activity instead.
e. Proclaim that you’d rather stay home and watch old reruns than see that movie.
EVALUATING YOUR RESPONSES
Question 1
Question 2
Question 3
Questlon4
ROW1
e
b
b
b
ROW2
a
d
a
b
ROW3
b
C
d
C
ROW4
C
e
e
d
ROWS
d
a
C
e
Nonassertive
If the majority of your answers appear
on row 1, you rank low on the assertiveness scale. The people around you
may be unable to guess when you
have a preference or hurt feelings. It
may seem that “going with the flow”
is the way to go, but research suggests that relationships flounder when
people don’t share their likes and
dislikes with one another. Try voicing
your feelings more clearly. People may
like you more for it.
Approaches to Conflict
Indirect
If the majority of your answers appear
on row 2, you tend to know what
you want, but you rely on subtlety to
convey your preferences. This can be
a strength, because you aren’t likely
to offend people. However, don’t be
surprised if people sometimes fail to
notice when you are upset. Research
suggests that indirect communication
works well for small concerns, but not
for big ones. When the issue is important to you, step up to say so.
Passively Aggressive
If the majority of your answers appear
on row 3, you tend to be passiveaggressive. Rather than taking the
bull by the horns, you are more likely
to seek revenge, complain to people
around you, or use snide humor to
make your point. These techniques
can make the people around you feel
belittled and frustrated. Plus, you are
more likely to alienate people than to
get your way in the long run. Try to
break this habit by saying what you
feel in a clear, calm way.
Assertive
If the majority of your answers appear
on row 4, you have hit the bulls-eye
in terms of healthy assertiveness. You
tend to say what you feel without
infringing on other people’s right
to do the same. Your combination
of respectfulness and self-confidence is likely to serve you well in
relationships.
Aggressive
If the majority of your answers appear
on row 5, you tend to overshoot
assertive and land in the aggressive
category instead. Although you may
mean well, your comments are likely
to offend and intimidate others. Try
tuning it back a little by stating your
opinions (gently) and encouraging
others to do the same. If you refrain
from name-calling and accusations,
people are likely to take what you say
more seriously.
In our ongoing example, adding an intention statement would complete the
assertive message:
“When you said I was too critical after you asked me for my honest opinion
[behavior), it seemed to me that you really didn’t want to hear a critical remark
[interpretation). That made me feel stupid for being honest [feeling). Now I’m
not sure whether I should tell you what I’m really thinking the next time you ask
[consequence). I’d like to get it clear right now: Do you really want me to tell you
what I think or not [intention)?”
Before you try to deliver messages using the assertive format outlined here,
there are a few points to remember. First, it isn’t necessary or even wise always to
put the elements in the order described here. As you can see from reviewing the
examples on the preceding pages, it’s sometimes best to begin by stating your feelings. In other cases, you can start by sharing your intentions or interpretations or
by describing consequences.
You also ought to word your message in a way that suits your style of speaking. Instead of saying “I interpret your behavior to mean,” you might choose to say,
“I think . .. ” or, “It seems to me . .. ” or perhaps, “J get the idea . … ” In the same way,
you can express your intentions by saying, “I hope you’ll understand (or do) … ” or
perhaps, “J wish you would . … ” It’s important that you get your message across, but
you should do it in a way that sounds and feels genuine to you.
Realize that there are some cases in which you can combine two elements in a
single phrase. For instance, the statement ” … and ever since then I’ve been wanting
to talk to you” expresses both a consequence and an intention. In the same way,
saying, ” … and after you said that, I felt confused” expresses a consequence and a
feeling. Whether you combine elements or state them separately, the important
point is to be sure that each one is present in your statement.
Finally, realize that it isn’t always possible to deliver messages such as the ones
here all at one time, wrapped up in neat paragraphs. It will often be necessary to
repeat or restate one part many times before your receiver truly understands what
cultural idiom
in the long run: Over an extended
period of time
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
you’re saying. As you’ve already read, there are many types of psychological and
physical noise that make it difficult for us to understand one another. Just remember: You haven’t communicated successfully until the receiver of your message
understands everything you’ve said. In communication, as in many other activities, patience and persistence are essential.
So far, we have been talking about the dual concerns of conflict management
(self and other) as if they are of equal merit. But as you will see in the next sections, gender and cultural expectations sometimes privilege one over the other,
and conflict often manifests differently in cyberspace than it does in person.
Gender and Conflict Style
The “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus” theory of conflict has strong
intuitive appeal. A body of research seems to support the notion that, in general,
men and women typically do approach conflict somewhat differently.
Some differences are evident early on. By the time boys are 6 years old, they
tend to gravitate toward large groups in which there is a clear understanding of
who outranks whom. 43 In this context, competition is often considered a way to
earn respect and status. It’s also common for boys to engage in physical tussles with
each other, both as a form of play and as a means of settling disputes. Girls, on the
other hand, tend to gravitate to one-on-one relationships. The emphasis is less on
who outranks whom and more on who is closest to whom. Even in a group, girls
typically know who has best friend status. As a result, girls typically engage in more
prosocial behaviors (offering compliments, showing empathy, providing emotional
support) than boys do and more often shy away from direct confrontations.
Especially because children tend to have mostly same-sex friends, it’s easy to
imagine the misunderstandings that occur when they form other-sex relationships in their teen years and beyond. Girls may feel that boys are insensitive,
boisterous, and emotionally distant, whereas boys may feel that girls are quick to
get their feelings hurt but are reluctant to say outright what is bothering them. On
the bright side, males typically appreciate the emotional support of their female
friends. And women say they enjoy the freedom to be more frank and assertive
with their male friends than they usually are with their female friends. 44
Biology explains some of the difference between
the way males and females deal with conflict. During disagreements, men tend to
experience greater physiological arousal than women, which comes in the form of
increased heart rate and blood pressure. This may be why boys exhibit more aggressive behaviors than girls do, even when they are very young. About 1 in 20 male
toddlers is frequently aggressive, compared with 1 in 100 female toddlers. 45
Evolution may play a role as well. Because women are able to bear only a
limited number of children, procreation has favored men who can successfully
compete for their attention and demonstrate their superiority to other males.
Moreover, in their traditional role as hunters and providers, men were challenged
to be bold, physical risktakers. 46 It may be that men have evolved to be more physical and competitive than women because-at least in years gone by-that was an
advantage. By contrast, women have traditionally nurtured children. In that role,
there is an advantage to creating safe environments, working cooperatively with
others, and understanding the nuances of nonverbal communication.47 This may
explain why women are often more sensitive to subtle cues and are more aligned
to harmony and cooperation than to competition.
Although biology and evolution have some influence, as we grow up we learn
to handle our emotions and to mimic our role models. This means that culture
plays an important role as well. 48 We all know that there are powerful rewards for
“acting like a lady” or “being a real man” and there are serious consequences for
defying those expectations. In Western cultures, females are typically expected to
Origins of Gender Differences
cultural idiom
on the other hand: from the opposite
point of view
Approaches to Conflict
be accommodating and males to be competitive. But these expectations can lead
to frustrating double binds, as we will discuss next.
Women face a double standard: They may be judged more
harshly than men if they are assertive, but they may be overlooked if they aren’t.
Typically, women are more likely than men to use indirect strategies instead of confronting conflict head-on. They are also more likely to compromise and to give in
to maintain relational harmony. This style works well in some situations, but not in
others. In one study, men and women scored equally well on a set of mathematical
challenges, but the men were twice as likely as the women to enter a tournament
in which they could compete for cash prizes or raises based on their performance. 49
As a result of their reluctance to compete, women may be overlooked for raises,
promotions, and other forms of recognition, even though they are highly qualified.
Cultural norms present a dilemma for men as well. Men are typically rewarded
for being competitive and assertive. But those behaviors can seem overly aggressive in close relationships. For example, when conflict arises with coworkers,
friends, and loved ones, a competitive stance can make the situation worse. 5 0
That, coupled with men’s high level of physical arousal in conflict conditions, can
make interpersonal conflict particularly frustrating for them. They are more likely
than women to withdraw if they become uncomfortable or fail to get their way. 5 1
Women may interpret this as indifference, but men often say they detach to avoid
overreacting, physically and verbally, in the heat of the moment.
Gender differences that appear in face-to-face communication also persist
online. When researchers compared messages posted by male and female teenagers, they found that the boys typically used assertive language, such as boasts
and sexual invitations, whereas the girls used mostly cooperative language, such
as compliments and questions. 52 The teens’ adherence to traditional gender roles
was also evident nonverbally. The girls tended to post photos of themselves in
seductive, receptive poses, and the boys in more rugged, dominant poses. These
personae are likely to influence how they behave when conflict arises.
Conflict Dilemmas
General differences aside, it bears emphasizing that social expectations change over time and stereotypes do not always apply. The qualities men
and women have in common far outnumber their differences. Put another way,
although men and women differ on average, most of us live somewhere in the
middle, where masculine and feminine styles frequently overlap. 53 For example,
men and women are roughly the same in terms of how much closeness they desire
in relationships and the value they place on sharing ideas and feelings. 54
One danger is that we may stereotype others and even ourselves, based on
differences that are fairly small or don’t actually exist. People who assume that
men are aggressive and women are accommodating may notice behavior that fits
these stereotypes (“See how much he bosses her around? A typical man!”). On the
other hand, behavior that doesn’t fit these preconceived ideas (accommodating
men, pushy women) goes unnoticed or is criticized as “unladylike” or “unmanly.”
What, then, can we conclude about the influence of gender on conflict?
Research has demonstrated that there are, indeed, some small but measurable
differences in the two sexes. But, although men and women may have characteristically different conflict styles, the individual style of each communicator is
more important than a person’s sex in shaping the way he or she handles conflict.
Commonalities
Cultural Influences on Conflict
The ways in which people communicate during conflicts vary widely from one
culture to another. The kind of rational, calm, yet assertive approach that is the
ideal for European American disagreements is not the norm in some other cultures.
For example, in traditional African American culture, conflict is characterized by a
In the TV series Modern Family, Sofia
Vergara plays the highly expressive Gloria
Pritchett, who has a dramatic flair for
conflict. Gloria once warned her husband,
“When you’re married to me, you’re going
to get yelled at many times.”57 In real
life, cultural expectations influence how
people behave in conflict situations.
Are you more inclined to seek out a
passionate argument or to avoid one?
Why?
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
UNDERSTANDING DIVERSITY
They Seem to Be Arguing
“The Italian language brings out the passion in me,” declares
Ewa Niemiec, who is fluent in Italian, English, and Polish. 55
Like many people who are multilingual, she feels that each
language evokes a different feeling. Speaking English makes
her feel polite, but Italian makes her “mouthy and loud.”
That’s not necessarily bad, she says, unless people mistake
the passion for conflict or aggression.
Once, when Niemiec interviewed for a job in Italian, she
found herself “bickering” with her would-be boss. She’s not
unusual in finding that experience enjoyable. Members of
many cultures consider verbal disputes to be a form of intimacy and even a game.
Misunderstandings may arise, however, when people from
emotionally reserved cultures observe or interact with
people from emotionally expressive ones. Americans visiting Greece, for example, often think they are witnessing an
argument when they are overhearing a friendly conversation.56 A comparative study of American and Italian nursery
school children showed that one of the Italian children’s
favorite pastimes was a kind of heated debating that Italians call discussione, which Americans would regard as
arguing.
Niemiec encourages people to overcome the idea that
emotional language is confrontational. “If you’re planning to travel or live in Italy,” she says, “be prepared for a
land of strong feelings, loud voices, and even bigger hand
gestures.”
greater tolerance for expressions of intense emotions. 58 And ethnicity isn’t the only
factor that shapes a communicator’s preferred conflict style; the degree of assimilation also plays an important role. For example, Latinos with strong cultural identities tend to seek accommodation and compromise more than those with weaker
cultural ties. 59
In individualistic cultures like that of the United States, the goals, rights, and
needs of each person are considered important, and most people would agree that
it is an individual’s right to stand up for himself or herself. People in such cultures
typically value direct communication in which you say outright what is bothering
you. 60 By contrast, people in collectivist cultures (more common in Latin America
and Asia) usually consider the concerns of the group to be more important than
those of any individual. Preserving and honoring the face of the other person are
prime goals, and communicators go to great lengths to avoid any communication that might embarrass a conversational partner. In these cultures, the kind
of assertive behavior that might seem perfectly appropriate to an American or
Canadian would seem rude and insensitive.
As you might imagine, low-context cultures like that of the United States place
a premium on being direct and literal. By contrast, high-context cultures like that
of Japan value self-restraint and avoid confrontation. Communicators in these
cultures derive meaning from a variety of unspoken cues, such as context, social
conventions, and hints. For this reason, what seems like “beating around the
bush” to an American would be polite to an Asian. In Japan, for example, even a
simple request like “close the door” may seem too straightforward. A more indirect statement such as “it is somewhat cold today” would be more appropriate. Or
a Japanese person may glance at the door or tell a story about someone who got
sick in a drafty room. 61 To take a more important example, Japanese are reluctant
to simply say “no” to a request. A more likely answer would be, “Let me think about
it for a while,” which anyone familiar with Japanese culture would recognize as a
refusal. When indirect communication is a cultural norm, it is unreasonable to
expect more straightforward approaches to succeed.
Approaches to Conflict
From the examples so far, you might expect the United States to top the charts
in terms of directness when it comes to conflict management. However, a mediating factor is at play-emotional expressiveness. In this regard, the United States
has a great deal in common with Asian cultures, namely, a preference for calm
communication rather than heated displays of emotion.62 From this perspective,
it may seem rude, frightening, or incompetent to show intense emotion during
conflict. Indeed, people who become passionate are warned about the danger of
saying things they don’t mean.
By contrast, in cultures that value emotional expressiveness, people who do
not show passion are regarded as hiding their true feelings. African Americans,
Arabs, Greeks, Italians, Cubans, and Russians are typically considered highly
expressive. 63 To them, behaving calmly in a conflict episode may be a sign that a
person is unconcerned, insincere, or untrustworthy.
With differences like these, it’s easy to imagine how two friends, lovers, or
fellow workers from different cultural backgrounds might have trouble finding a
conflict style that is comfortable for them both. Sometimes we don’t even understand our own reactions to conflict. Many Americans find that, although they
usually consider themselves to be direct and individualistic, they are fairly accommodating when it comes to conflict management. 64 This may surprise them as
much as it surprises other people.
~ ASK YOURSELF
Choose a conflict style
that is different from
yours, and identify the
assumptions on which
it is based. Next, suggest how people with
different styles can
adapt their assumptions and behaviors
to communicate more
effectively with others.
Conflict in Online Communication
Online communication has changed the nature of interpersonal conflict. Disagreements handled via texting, chatting, email, and blogging can unfold differently
from those that play out in person. Some of the characteristics of mediated communication described in Chapter 1 are especially important during conflicts.
Delay The asynchronous nature of most mediated channels means that communicators aren’t obliged to respond immediately to one another.
The inherent delays in mediated conflicts present both benefits and risks. On
the upside, the chance to cool down and think carefully before replying can prevent aggressive blowups. 65 This is true on a personal and a global level. Researcher
Donald Ellis commends inclusive chat rooms and discussion boards, calling them
a “new public sphere” and a “deliberative democracy” in which people can share
ideas and take their time considering a wide range of viewpoints. 66 On the other
hand, participation requires active involvement. People can just as easily ignore
online posts and fail to respond to emails, texts, and IMs. When they do reply,
there’s the temptation to craft insults and jabs that can make matters worse.
Disinhibition The absence of face-to-face contact can make it easy to respond
aggressively, without considering the consequences until it’s too late. This is especially likely when people don’t know one another well and when tensions are high.
Researchers describe what they call a “flame war” (based on the term for inflammatory or blunt remarks online) that erupted in an online cancer support group. 67
A flame war erupted when the mother of a cancer patient posted her opinion that
hospital beds needed by cancer patients were being taken up by “anorexic girls.”
Others weighed in to say she should be more compassionate and less judgmental.
Eventually, the episode erupted into an online feud comprising nearly 100 posts
by 30 of the 42 people in the support group. Capitalized words such as PISSED
OFF, ATTACKING, and VULTURES screamed the participants’ frustration. The
researchers speculate that online communication can facilitate close ties, but at the
same time, people may post comments they wouldn’t say to one another in person.
Although it’s easier to overlook the impact of a hostile approach at a virtual distance, rememberthat communication is irreversible: It’s no more possible to retract
a message that’s been delivered than it is to “unsqueeze” a tube of toothpaste.
Musical star Chris Brown has a long
record of airing his disagreements in
Twitter feuds with other celebrities. This
has earned him the reputation of being
an out-of-control hothead.
Have you ever used social media to make
your conflicts public? If so, what were the
consequences?
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
Permanence Because emails and text messages come in written form, there’s a
permanent “transcript” that doesn’t exist when communicators deal with conflict
face to face. This record can help clarify misperceptions and faulty memories. On
the other hand, the permanent documents that chronicle a conflict can stir up
emotions that make it hard to forgive and forget.
If online communication seems to be making a conflict worse, you may want
to consider shifting to a face-to-face approach. Although mediated conflict may
feel easier at the time, it may create more lasting damage to the relationship.
Managing Interpersonal Conflicts
It’s helpful to understand how conflicts operate, but awareness alone isn’t enough.
The following pages describe several ways to communicate in the face of disagreement. As you read about them, consider which ones you use now, and whether
others might serve you better.
Methods for Conflict Resolution
Regardless of the relational style, gender, or culture of the participants, every conflict is a struggle to have one’s goals met. Sometimes that struggle succeeds, and at
other times it fails. In the remainder of this chapter we’ll look at various approaches
to resolving conflicts and see which ones are most promising.
Win-Lose Win-lose conflicts are ones in which one party achieves his or her
goal at the expense of the other. People resort to this method of resolving disone party reaches his or her goal at the
putes when they perceive a situation as being an “either-or” one: Either I get what
expense of the other.
I want, or you get your way. The most clear-cut examples of win-lose situations
are certain games, such as baseball or poker, in which the rules require a winner
and a loser. Some interpersonal issues seem to fit into this win-lose framework:
two coworkers seeking a promotion to the same job, for instance, or a couple who
disagree on how to spend their limited money.
Power is the distinguishing characteristic in win-lose problem solving,
because it is necessary to defeat an opponent to get what you want. The most obvious kind of power is physical. Some parents threaten their children with warnings
such as “Stop misbehaving, or I’ll send you to your room.” Adults who
use physical power to deal with one another usually aren’t so blunt,
but the legal system is the implied threat: “Follow the rules, or we’ll
lock you up.”
Real or implied force isn’t the only kind of power used in conflicts . People who rely on authority of many types engage in winlose methods without ever threatening physical coercion. In most
jobs, supervisors have the potential to use authority in the assignment of working hours, job promotions, and desirable or undesirable tasks, and, of course, in the power to fire an unsatisfactory
employee. Teachers can use the power of grades to coerce students
to act in desired ways.
Even the usually admired democratic principle of majority rule
is a win-lose method of resolving conflicts. However fair it may be,
this system results in one group getting its way and another group
being unsatisfied.
There are some circumstances when win-lose problem solving
“I t’s not enough that we succeed Cats must alsoJail.”
may be necessary, such as when there are truly scarce resources and
Source: Leo Cullum The New Yorker Collection/The Cartoon Bank
when only one party can achieve satisfaction. For instance, if two
win-lose problem solving An
approach to conflict resolution in which
Managing Interpersonal Conflicts
suitors want to marry the same person, only one can succeed. And, to return to
an earlier example, it’s often true that only one applicant can be hired for a job.
But don’t be too willing to assume that your conflicts are necessarily win-lose: As
you’ll soon read, many situations that seem to require a loser can be resolved to
everyone’s satisfaction.
There is a second kind of situation in which win-lose is the best method. Even
when cooperation is possible, if the other person insists on trying to defeat you,
then the most logical response might be to defend yourself by fighting back “It
takes two to tango,” the old cliche goes, and it also often takes two to cooperate.
A final and much less frequent justification for trying to defeat another person
occurs when the other person is clearly behaving in a wrong manner and when
defeating that person is the only way to stop the wrongful behavior. Few people
would deny the importance of restraining a person who is deliberately harming
others, even if the aggressor’s freedom is sacrificed in the process. Forcing wrongdoers to behave themselves is dangerous because of the wide difference in opinion between people about who is wrong and who is right. Given this difference,
it would seem justifiable only in the most extreme circumstances to coerce others
into behaving as we think they should.
Lose-Lose In lose-lose problem solving, neither side is satisfied with the outcome. Although the name of this approach is so discouraging that it’s hard to
imagine how anyone could willingly use it, in truth, lose-lose is a fairly common
way to handle conflicts. In many instances both parties strive to be winners, but
as a result of the struggle, both end up losers. On the international scene, many
wars illustrate this sad point. A nation that gains military victory at the cost of
thousands of lives, large amounts of resources, and a damaged national consciousness hasn’t truly won much. On an interpersonal level the same principle
holds true. Most of us have seen battles of pride in which both parties strike out
and both suffer.
Unlike lose-lose outcomes, a compromise gives both parties at
least some of what they wanted, though both sacrifice part of their goals. People
usually settle for compromises when they see partial satisfaction as the best they
can hope for. Although a compromise may be better than losing everything, this
approach hardly seems to deserve the positive image it has with some people. In
his valuable book on conflict resolution, management consultant Albert Filley
makes an interesting observation about our attitudes toward this approach. 68 Why
is it, he asks, that if someone says, “I will compromise my values,” we view the action
unfavorably, yet we talk admiringly about parties in a conflict who compromise
to reach a solution? Although compromises may be the best obtainable result in
some conflicts, it’s important to realize that both people in a dispute can often
work together to find much better solutions. In such cases compromise is a negative
word.
Most of us are surrounded by the results of bad compromises. Consider the
conflict between one person’s desire to smoke cigarettes and another’s need to
breathe clean air. The win-lose outcomes of this conflict are obvious: Either the
smoker abstains, or the nonsmoker gets polluted lungs-neither very satisfying.
But a compromise in which the smoker gets to enjoy only a rare cigarette or must
retreat outdoors and in which the nonsmoker still must inhale some fumes or feel
like an ogre is hardly better. Both sides have lost a considerable amount of comfort and goodwill. Of course, the costs involved in other compromises are even
greater. For example, if a divorced couple compromises on child care by fighting
over custody and then finally, grudgingly agrees to split the time with their children, it’s hard to say that anybody has won.
lose-lose problem solving An
approach to conflict resolution in which
neither party achieves its goals.
compromise An approach to conflict
resolution in which both parties attain
at least part of what they seek by giving
something up.
Compromise
cultural idiom
two to tango: both parties affect the
outcome
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
A fourth option, win-win problem solving, is typically the most satisfying and relationship-friendly. In win-win problem solving, the goal is to
find a solution that satisfies both people’s needs. Neither tries to win at the other’s
expense. Instead, both parties believe that, by working together, it’s possible to
find a solution that reaches all their goals.
Finding a win-win situation usually involves looking below the surface at
what both parties are trying to achieve. Suppose you want a quiet evening at home
tonight and your partner wants to go to a party. On the surface, only one of you
can win. However, by listening carefully to each other, you realize you can both
get your way. You don’t feel like getting dressed up and talking to a room full of
people. Your partner isn’t crazy about that part of it either but would like to connect with two old friends who are going to be at the party. Once you understand
the underlying goals, a solution presents itself: Invite those two friends over for a
casual dinner at your place before they head off to the party. In this way, neither
you nor your partner compromises on what you want to achieve. Indeed, the evening may be more enjoyable than either of you expected.
Although a win-win approach sounds ideal, it is not always possible, or even
appropriate. Table 8-3 suggests some factors to consider when deciding which
approach to take when facing a conflict. There will certainly be times when compromising is the most sensible approach. You will even encounter instances when
pushing for your own solution is reasonable. Even more surprisingly, you will
probably discover that there are times when it makes sense to willingly accept the
loser’s role. All the same, there are so many advantages to win-win problem solving that we devote the remainder of the chapter to the communication strategies
involved in achieving it.
Win-Win
win-win problem solving An
approach to conflict resolution in which
the parties work together to satisfy all
their goals.
Steps in Win-Win Problem Solving
Although win-win problem solving is often the most desirable approach to managing conflicts, it is also one of the hardest to achieve. In spite of the challenge,
it’s definitely possible to become better at resolving conflicts. The following pages
TABLE 8-3
Choosing the Most Appropriate Method of Conflict
Resolution
1. Consider deferring to the other person:
• When you discover you are wrong
• When the issue is more important to the other person than it is to you
• To let others learn by making their own mistakes
• When the long-term cost of winning may not be worth the short-term gains
2. Consider compromising:
• When there is not enough time to seek a win-win outcome
• When the Issue is not Important enough to negotiate at length
• When the other person Is not wUllng to seek a win-win outcome
3. Consider competing:
• When the issue is important and the other person will take advantage of your
noncompetitive approach
4. Consider cooperating:
• When the Issue Is too Important for a compromise
• When a long-term relationship between you and the other person Is important
• When the other person Is willing to cooperate
Managing Interpersonal Conflicts
outline a method to increase your chances of being able to handle your conflicts
in a win-win manner, so that both you and others have your needs met. As you
learn to use this approach, you should find that more and more of your conflicts
end up with win-win solutions. And even when total satisfaction isn’t possible, this
approach can preserve a positive relational climate. 69
As it is presented here, win-win problem solving is a highly structured activity.
After you have practiced the approach a number of times, this style of managing
conflict will become almost second nature to you. You’ll then be able to approach
your conflicts without the need to follow the step-by-step approach. But for the
time being, try to be patient, and trust the value of the following pattern. As you
read on, imagine yourself applying it to a problem that’s bothering you now.
Step 1: Identify your problem Before you speak out, it’s important to realize
that the problem that is causing conflict is yours. Whether you want to return an
unsatisfactory piece of merchandise, complain to noisy neighbors because your
sleep is being disturbed, or request a change in working conditions from your
employer, the problem is yours. Why? Because in each case you are the person
who is dissatisfied. You are the one who has paid for the defective article; the
merchant who sold it to you has the use of your good money. You are the one who
is losing sleep as a result of your neighbors’ activities; they are probably content
to go on as before. You, not your boss, are the one who is unhappy with your
working conditions.
Realizing that the problem is yours will make a big difference when the time
comes to approach your partner. Instead of feeling and acting in a judgmental
way, you’ll be more likely to share your problem in a descriptive way, which will
not only be more accurate but also will reduce the chance of a defensive reaction.
Step 2: Explore your unmet needs After you realize that the problem is yours,
the next step is to consider what unmet needs have you feeling dissatisfied. Brene
Brown calls this process reckoning with emotion. At one level, she says, conflict itself
can stir up deep-seated fears. “We don’t know what to do with the discomfort and
vulnerability,” Brown says, adding that, “emotion can feel terrible, even physically overwhelming. We can feel exposed, at risk, and uncertain.” 7° Considering
this, it’s no wonder that many people avoid conflict, accommodate other’s wishes,
or disguise their vulnerability with aggression.
The irony, points out Brown, is that avoiding conflict and handling it badly
usually make us feel worse and more disconnected from people, when what we
really want is to be understood and accepted. The good news, she says, is that
we don’t have to be experts at understanding emotions-ours or other people’s.
We need only to be curious about them in an open and nonjudgmental way. This
might involve saying, “I’m having an emotional reaction to what’s happened and I want
to understand.”71
Sometimes a relational need underlies the content of the issue at hand. Consider these cases:
• A friend hasn’t returned some money you lent long ago. Your apparent need
in this situation might be to get the cash back. But a little thought will probably show that this isn’t the only, or even the main, thing you want. Even
if you were rolling in money, you’d probably want the loan repaid because
of your most important need: to avoid feeling victimized by your friend’s taking
advantage of you.
• Someone you care about who lives in a distant city has failed to respond to
several letters. Your apparent need may be to get answers to the questions
you’ve written about, but it’s likely that there’s another, more fundamental
need: the reassurance that you’re still important enough to deserve a response.
cultural idioms
second nature: easy and natural
rolling in money: extremely wealthy
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
As you’ll soon see, the ability to identify your real needs plays a key role in
solving interpersonal problems. For now, the point to remember is that before you
voice your problem to your partner, you ought to be clear about which of your
needs aren’t being met.
Step 3: Make a date Unconstructive fights often start because the initiator confronts a partner who isn’t ready. There are many times when a person isn’t in the
right frame of mind to face a conflict, perhaps owing to fatigue, being in a hurry,
being upset over another problem, or not feeling well. At times like these, it’s
unfair to insist on an immediate discussion and expect to get full attention for
your problem. If you do persist, you’ll probably have an ugly fight on your hands.
After you have a clear idea of the problem, approach your partner with a
request to try to solve it. For example: “Something’s been bothering me. Can we talk
about it?” If the answer is “yes,” then you’re ready to go further. If it isn’t the right
time to confront your partner, find a time that’s agreeable to both of you.
Step 4: Describe your problem and needs Your partner can’t possibly meet your
needs without knowing why you’re upset and what you want. Therefore, it’s up
to you to describe your problem as specifically as possible. When you do so, it’s
important to use terms that aren’t overly vague or abstract. Recall our discussion
of behavioral descriptions in Chapter 4 when clarifying your problem and needs.
As we have already discussed, it’s also essential that you express yourself in ways
that don’t cause the other person to feel judged and defensive.
When Brown and her husband reached the dock, she told him her feelings had
been hurt by his brief responses and she explained her feelings this way:
I feel like you’re blowing me off, and the story I’m making up is either that you looked
over at me while I was swimming and thought, Man, she’s getting old. She can’t even
swim freestyle anymore. Or you saw me and thought She sure as hell doesn’t rock
a Speedo like she did twenty-five years ago. 72
With this statement, Brown showed the self-awareness and courage to say outright
why Steve’s half-hearted responses were so painful to her. She recommends the
phrase “the story I’m making up” as a way to express oneself without blaming the
other person.
Step 5: Check your partner’s understanding After you’ve shared your problem
and described what you need, it’s important to make sure that your partner has
understood what you’ve said. As you may remember from the discussion of listening in Chapter 5, there’s a good chance-especially in a stressful conflict situation-of your words being misinterpreted.
cultural idiom
frame of mind: mental state
Step 6: Solicit your partner’s needs After you’ve made your position clear, it’s
time to find out what your partner needs in order to feel satisfied about this issue.
There are two reasons why it’s important to discover your partner’s needs. First,
it’s fair. After all, the other person has just as much right as you to feel satisfied,
and if you expect help in meeting your needs, then it’s reasonable that you behave
in the same way. Second, just as an unhappy partner will make it hard for you
to become satisfied, a happy one will be more likely to cooperate in letting you
reach your goals. Thus, it is in your own self-interest to discover and meet your
partner’s needs.
You can learn about your partner’s needs simply by asking about them: “Now
I’ve told you what I want and why. Tell me what you need to feel okay about this.” After
your partner begins to talk, your job is to use the listening skills discussed earlier
in this book to make sure you understand.
Managing Interpersonal Conflicts
Back at the lake, Brene Brown was surprised to find that her husband was dealing with his own fears. He had suffered a vivid nightmare the previous night in
which he had tried desperately to save all five of their children when a boat had
come at them suddenly in the water. He told her:
~ ASK YOURSELF
Think of a conflict in
I don’t know what you were saying to me today. I have no idea. I was fighting off a total
panic attack during that entire swim. I was just trying to stay focused by counting my
strokes. 73
your life. What are
yourneedsandfea~
regarding the conflict?
Brene understood. As a lifelong swimmer, she and Steve were aware of the
dangers posed by sharing the waterway with motorboats. Such a nightmare would
have unnerved her, too.
Paraphrase or ask
questions about your partner’s needs until you’re certain you understand them.
The surest way to accomplish this is to use the paraphrasing skills you learned in
Chapter 5.
Step 7: Check your understanding of your partner’s needs
What might your partner’s be? How might
your relational climate
be different if you
strived to meet both of
your needs?
Sometimes, sharing your feelings and receiving the comfort you both crave is enough to resolve a conflict. At
other times, it’s useful also to borrow some tips from skilled negotiators:
Step 8: Discuss ways to meet your common goals
• Identify and define the conflict. We’ve discussed this process in the preceding pages. It consists of discovering each person’s problem and needs,
setting the stage for meeting all of them.
• Generate a number of possible solutions. In this step the partners work
together to think of as many means as possible to reach their stated ends.
The key word here is quantity: It’s important to generate as many ideas as
you can think of without worrying about which ones are good or bad. Write
down every thought that comes up, no matter how unworkable; sometimes
a far-fetched idea will lead to a more workable one.
• Evaluate the alternative solutions. This is the time to talk about which
solutions will work and which ones won’t. It’s important for all concerned
to be honest about their willingness to accept an idea. If a solution is going
to work, everyone involved has to support it.
• Decide on the best solution. Now that you’ve looked at all the alternatives,
pick the one that looks best to everyone. It’s important to be sure everybody
understands the solution and is willing to try it out. Remember: Your decision doesn’t have to be final, but it should look potentially successful.
Step 9: Follow up on the solution Conflict management is an ongoing process.
You can’t be sure the solution will work until you try it out. After you’ve tested
it for a while, it’s a good idea to set aside some time to talk over how things are
going. You may find that you need to make some changes or even rethink the
whole problem. The idea is to keep on top of the problem, to keep using creativity
to solve it.
Win-win solutions aren’t always possible. There will be times when even the
best-intentioned people simply won’t be able to find a way of meeting all their
needs. In cases like this, the process of negotiation has to include some compromise. But even then the preceding steps haven’t been wasted. The genuine desire
to learn what the other person wants and to try to satisfy those desires will build
a climate of goodwill that can help you find the best solution to the present problem and also improve your relationship in the future.
cultural idiom
keep on top of: stay in control
CHAPTER 8 Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships
As for Brene Brown, she reflects that the conversation in the lake, which might have
ended in bickering and withheld affection, instead resulted in a renewed sense of love
and commitment. Expressing their fears and listening to each other brought them closer.
Afterward, as the couple walked back up to the lake house, Steve popped her playfully
with his wet towel and said, “Just so you know: You still rock a Speedo.”74
MAKING THE GRADE
For more resources to help you understand and apply the
information in this chapter, visit the Understanding Human
Communication website at www.oup.com/us/adleruhc.
OBJECTIVE
Explain the unavoidable but potentially problematic role of conflict in interpersonal relationships.
• Conflict is a fact oflife in every relationship, and the way
people manage conflict plays a major role in the quality
of their relationships.
• Interpersonal conflict is an acknowledged struggle
between at least two interdependent people who perceive
that they have incompatible goals, scarce resources, and
interference from one another in achieving their goals.
> What distinguishes interpersonal conflict from
the frustration you may feel with the behavior of a
stranger you will never see again?
> Think of a significant interpersonal conflict in your
own life. What goals and resources were involved?
> Imagine that someone you care about has begun to
say, “You’re right. I’m wrong” any time conflict between
the two of you emerges. Do you think this is a good
or a bad sign for your relationship? Why?
OBJECTIVE
Describe the role of communication
climate and relational spirals in interpersonal relationships, and practice communication strategies for keeping
relationships healthy.
• Communication climate refers to the emotional tone of
a relationship.
• Confirming communication occurs on three increasingly positive levels: recognition, acknowledgment, and
endorsement.
• By contrast, disconfirming responses deny the value
of others and show a lack of respect. Four particularly
damaging forms of disconfirming messages are criticism,
contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
• Relational spirals are reciprocal communication patterns
that escalate in positive or negative ways.
• Communication strategies that enhance relational climates include using “I” language, striving for mutually
satisfying options, being honest, showing empathy, and
respecting other people’s viewpoints.
> Contrast confirming and disconfirming messages,
and give an example of each.
> Describe a time when you and a relational partner
were involved in an increasingly negative spiral.
What did you do (or what might you have done) to
help stop the downward spiral?
> Identify several disconfirming messages from your
own experience, and rewrite them as confirming
ones using the tips for creating positive communication climates in this chapter (pp. 216-219}.
OBJECTIVE
Identify characteristics of nonassertive, indirect, passive-aggressive, directly aggressive, and
assertive communication, and explain how conflict approaches vary.
• Nonassertive behavior reflects a person’s inability or
unwillingness to express thoughts or feelings in a conflict. It may manifest as avoidance or accommodation.
• Indirect communication involves hinting about a conflict rather than discussing it directly.
• Passive aggressive behavior is somewhat indirect, but it
has a hostile tone meant to make the recipient feel bad.
• Directly aggressive communicators attack the problem
and sometimes also the individuals involved.
• Assertive communciators share their feelings and goals
and encourage others to do the same.
• Although individuals differ greatly, in broad terms, men
are typically socialized to approach conflict in a competitive way and women in a cooperative way.
CHAPTER 8 Review
• In different cultures, it may be expected that people will
approach conflict indirectly or that they will be expressive and direct about it.
• Online communication offers people an opportunity to
consider carefully before responding, but the relatively
anonymous and permanent nature of online messages
may escalate a conflict’s intensity.
> Describe the pros and cons of each of the following
conflict styles: nonassertive, indirect, passive aggressive, directly aggressive, and assertive.
> Think of a behavior that bothers you. Write out what
you might say to the person involved, including the
components of assertive messages described on pages
225-230.
> Scan several Twitter feeds or the comments senctions
on a blog or YouTube video. Identify examples in
which people said things they might have felt inhibited from saying in person.
241
confirming messages p. 218
conflict p. 215
contempt p. 220
criticism p. 220
defensiveness p. 220
direct aggression p. 225
disconfirming message p. 219
escalatory spiral p. 222
indirect communication p. 223
lose-lose problem solving p. 235
nonassertion p. 223
passive aggression p. 225
relational spiral p. 221
stonewalling p. 220
win-lose problem solving p. 234
win-win problem solving p. 236
OBJECTIVE
Explain the differences among winlose, lose-lose, compromising, and win-win approaches
to conflict resolution, …