Discussion

Perseverance

 Post 1: You learned the definition of the American Dream in Week 1, and you also learned about the American identity. Traits often associated with the American identity include boldness, confidence, perseverance, and integrity. These traits are often demonstrated through a character’s words or actions. This week, we’ll focus on perseverance and how it is reflected in two of the readings. Choose one character from a work of fiction (“The Soft-Hearted Sioux,” “Pawn Shop,” or The Invisible Man) and one person from a work of non-fiction (“Speech to the Osages,” Incidents in the Live of a Slave Girl, or “What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?”). Describe how perseverance is reflected in each. 

 Criteria:

• 300 words minimum (excluding quotations and citations)
• Include two properly integrated and cited direct or paraphrased quotations (one related to each character) to support your claims. See the Week 1 and Week 2 Literary Analysis Tools Modules for information about integrating and citing quotations.

PERSEVERANCE

Complete the Literary Analysis Tools Modules from Weeks 1 and 2 before completing this assignment. Part of your grade is based on selection, integration, and citation of quotations.

Read all of the information below before posting your response. This is a post-first forum, and you must post your response before gaining access to your classmates’ posts. Submitting a blank post may result in a reduction of your grade.

Post responses to both prompts. You must post on three different days to earn full credit for participation.

Post 1: You learned the definition of the American Dream in Week 1, and you also learned about the American identity. Traits often associated with the American identity include boldness, confidence, perseverance, and integrity. These traits are often demonstrated through a character’s words or actions. This week, we’ll focus on perseverance and how it is reflected in two of the readings. Choose one character from a work of fiction (“The Soft-Hearted Sioux,” “Pawn Shop,” or The Invisible Man) and one person from a work of non-fiction (“Speech to the Osages,” Incidents in the Live of a Slave Girl, or “What to the Slave is the Fourth of July?”). Describe how perseverance is reflected in each.

Criteria:

300 words minimum (excluding quotations and citations)

Include two properly integrated and cited direct or paraphrased quotations (one related to each character) to support your claims. See the Week 1 and Week 2 Literary Analysis Tools Modules for information about integrating and citing quotations.

Posts 2 and 3: Respond to two different classmates. Do you agree with your classmate’s perspective? Why or why not? Be specific. What is the most convincing part of your classmate’s post? Why?

Criteria:

150 words minimum for each post (excluding quotations and citations)

Include at least one direct or paraphrased quote in each response to a classmate to support your ideas. See the Week 1 and Week 2 Literary Analysis Tools Modules for information about integrating and citing quotations.

No Research

There is a no-research policy in place for this class. Using any material other than the assigned readings and lectures, even if it is correctly quoted and cited, will result in a failing grade for this assignment. Contact your instructor if you have questions about this policy

“

The Soft-Hearted Sioux

.” by Zitkala-Sa [aka Gertrude Simmons Bonnin] (1876-1938)
Publication:

American Indian Stories

by Zitkala-Sa. Washington: Hayworth Publishing House, 1921. pp. 109-125.

The Soft-Hearted Sioux

I.

BESIDE the open fire I sat within our tepee. With my red blanket wrapped tightly about my crossed legs, I was thinking of the coming season, my sixteenth winter. On either side of the wigwam were my parents. My father was whistling a tune between his teeth while polishing with his bare hand a red stone pipe he had recently carved. Almost in front of me, beyond the centre fire, my old grandmother sat near the entranceway.

She turned her face toward her right and addressed most of her words to my mother. Now and then she spoke to me, but never did she allow her eyes to rest upon her daughter’s husband, my father. It was only upon rare occasions that my grandmother said anything to him. Thus his ears were open and ready to catch the smallest wish she might express. Sometimes when my grandmother had been saying things which pleased him, my father used to comment upon them. At other times, when he could not approve of what was spoken, he used to work or smoke silently.

On this night my old grandmother began her talk about me. Filling the bowl of her red stone pipe with dry willow bark, she looked across at me.

“My grandchild, you are tall and are no longer a little boy.” Narrowing her old eyes, she asked, “My grandchild, when are you going to bring here a handsome young woman?” I stared into the fire rather than meet her gaze. Waiting for my answer, she stooped forward and through the long stem drew a flame into the red stone pipe.

I smiled while my eyes were still fixed upon the bright fire, but I said nothing in reply. Turning to my mother, she offered her the pipe. I glanced at my grandmother. The loose buckskin sleeve fell off at her elbow and showed a wrist covered with silver bracelets. Holding up the fingers of her left hand, she named off the desirable young women of our village.

“Which one, my grandchild, which one?” she questioned.

“Hoh!” I said, pulling at my blanket in confusion. “Not yet!” Here my mother passed the pipe over the fire to my father. Then she too began speaking of what I should do.

“My son, be always active. Do not dislike a long hunt. Learn to provide much buffalo meat and many buckskins before you bring home a wife.” Presently my father gave the pipe to my grandmother, and he took his turn in the exhortations.

“Ho, my son, I have been counting in my heart the bravest warriors of our people. There is not one of them who won his title in his sixteenth winter. My son, it is a great thing for some brave of sixteen winters to do.”

Not a word had I to give in answer. I knew well the fame of my warrior father. He had earned the right of speaking such words, though even he himself was a brave only at my age. Refusing to smoke my grandmother’s pipe because my heart was too much stirred by their words, and sorely troubled with a fear lest I should disappoint them, I arose to go. Drawing my blanket over my shoulders, I said, as I stepped toward the entranceway: “I go to hobble my pony. It is now late in the night.”

II.

Nine winters’ snows had buried deep that night when my old grandmother, together with my father and mother, designed my future with the glow of a camp fire upon it.

Yet I did not grow up the warrior, huntsman, and husband I was to have been. At the mission school I learned it was wrong to kill. Nine winters I hunted for the soft heart of Christ, and prayed for the huntsmen who chased the buffalo on the plains.

In the autumn of the tenth year I was sent back to my tribe to preach Christianity to them. With the white man’s Bible in my hand, and the white man’s tender heart in my breast, I returned to my own people.

Wearing a foreigner’s dress, I walked, a stranger, into my father’s village.

Asking my way, for I had not forgotten my native tongue, an old man led me toward the tepee where my father lay. From my old companion I learned that my father had been sick many moons. As we drew near the tepee, I heard the chanting of a medicine-man within it. At once I wished to enter in and drive from my home the sorcerer of the plains, but the old warrior checked me. “Ho, wait outside until the medicine-man leaves your father,” he said. While talking he scanned me from head to feet. Then he retraced his steps toward the heart of the camping-ground.

My father’s dwelling was on the outer limits of the round-faced village. With every heart-throb I grew more impatient to enter the wigwam.

While I turned the leaves of my Bible with nervous fingers, the medicine-man came forth from the dwelling and walked hurriedly away. His head and face were closely covered with the loose robe which draped his entire figure.

He was tall and large. His long strides I have never forgot. They seemed to me then the uncanny gait of eternal death. Quickly pocketing my Bible, I went into the tepee.

Upon a mat lay my father, with furrowed face and gray hair. His eyes and cheeks were sunken far into his head. His sallow skin lay thin upon his pinched nose and high cheek-bones. Stooping over him, I took his fevered hand. “How, Ate?” I greeted him. A light flashed from his listless eyes and his dried lips parted. “My son!” he murmured, in a feeble voice. Then again the wave of joy and recognition receded. He closed his eyes, and his hand dropped from my open palm to the ground.

Looking about, I saw an old woman sitting with bowed head. Shaking hands with her, I recognized my mother. I sat down between my father and mother as I used to do, but I did not feel at home. The place where my old grandmother used to sit was now unoccupied. With my mother I bowed my head. Alike our throats were choked and tears were streaming from our eyes; but far apart in spirit our ideas and faiths separated us. My grief was for the soul unsaved; and I thought my mother wept to see a brave man’s body broken by sickness.

Useless was my attempt to change the faith in the medicine-man to that abstract power named God. Then one day I became righteously mad with anger that the medicine-man should thus ensnare my father’s soul. And when he came to chant his sacred songs I pointed toward the door and bade him go! The man’s eyes glared upon me for an instant. Slowly gathering his robe about him, he turned his back upon the sick man and stepped out of our wigwam. “Ha, ha, ha! my son, I cannot live without the medicine-man!” I heard my father cry when the sacred man was gone.

III.

On a bright day, when the winged seeds of the prairie-grass were flying hither and thither, I walked solemnly toward the centre of the camping-ground. My heart beat hard and irregularly at my side. Tighter I grasped the sacred book I carried under my arm. Now was the beginning of life’s work.

Though I knew it would be hard, I did not once feel that failure was to be my reward. As I stepped unevenly on the rolling ground, I thought of the warriors soon to wash off their war-paints and follow me.

At length I reached the place where the people had assembled to hear me preach. In a large circle men and women sat upon the dry red grass. Within the ring I stood, with the white man’s Bible in my hand. I tried to tell them of the soft heart of Christ.

In silence the vast circle of bareheaded warriors sat under an afternoon sun. At last, wiping the wet from my brow, I took my place in the ring. The hush of the assembly filled me with great hope.

I was turning my thoughts upward to the sky in gratitude, when a stir called me to earth again.

A tall, strong man arose. His loose robe hung in folds over his right shoulder. A pair of snapping black eyes fastened themselves like the poisonous fangs of a serpent upon me. He was the medicine-man. A tremor played about my heart and a chill cooled the fire in my veins.

Scornfully he pointed a long forefinger in my direction and asked,

“What loyal son is he who, returning to his father’s people, wears a foreigner’s dress?” He paused a moment, and then continued: “The dress of that foreigner of whom a story says he bound a native of our land, and heaping dry sticks around him, kindled a fire at his feet!” Waving his hand toward me, he exclaimed, “Here is the traitor to his people!”

I was helpless. Before the eyes of the crowd the cunning magician turned my honest heart into a vile nest of treachery. Alas! the people frowned as they looked upon me.

“Listen!” he went on. “Which one of you who have eyed the young man can see through his bosom and warn the people of the nest of young snakes hatching there? Whose ear was so acute that he caught the hissing of snakes whenever the young man opened his mouth? This one has not only proven false to you, but even to the Great Spirit who made him. He is a fool! Why do you sit here giving ear to a foolish man who could not defend his people because he fears to kill, who could not bring venison to renew the life of his sick father? With his prayers, let him drive away the enemy! With his soft heart, let him keep off starvation! We shall go elsewhere to dwell upon an untainted ground.”

With this he disbanded the people. When the sun lowered in the west and the winds were quiet, the village of cone-shaped tepees was gone. The medicine-man had won the hearts of the people.

Only my father’s dwelling was left to mark the fighting-ground.

I

V.

From a long night at my father’s bedside I came out to look upon the morning. The yellow sun hung equally between the snow-covered land and the cloudless blue sky. The light of the new day was cold. The strong breath of winter crusted the snow and fitted crystal shells over the rivers and lakes. As I stood in front of the tepee, thinking of the vast prairies which separated us from our tribe, and wondering if the high sky likewise separated the soft-hearted Son of God from us, the icy blast from the North blew through my hair and skull. My neglected hair had grown long and fell upon my neck.

My father had not risen from his bed since the day the medicine-man led the people away. Though I read from the Bible and prayed beside him upon my knees, my father would not listen. Yet I believed my prayers were not unheeded in heaven.

“Ha, ha, ha! my son,” my father groaned upon the first snowfall. “My son, our food is gone. There is no one to bring me meat! My son, your soft heart has unfitted you for everything!” Then covering his face with the buffalo-robe, he said no more. Now while I stood out in that cold winter morning, I was starving. For two days I had not seen any food. But my own cold and hunger did not harass my soul as did the whining cry of the sick old man.

Stepping again into the tepee, I untied my snow-shoes, which were fastened to the tent-poles.

My poor mother, watching by the sick one, and faithfully heaping wood upon the centre fire, spoke to me:

“My son, do not fail again to bring your father meat, or he will starve to death.”

“How, Ina,” I answered, sorrowfully. From the tepee I started forth again to hunt food for my aged parents. All day I tracked the white level lands in vain. Nowhere, nowhere were there any other footprints but my own! In the evening of this third fast-day I came back without meat. Only a bundle of sticks for the fire I brought on my back. Dropping the wood outside, I lifted the door-flap and set one foot within the tepee.

There I grew dizzy and numb. My eyes swam in tears. Before me lay my old gray-haired father sobbing like a child. In his horny hands he clutched the buffalo-robe, and with his teeth he was gnawing off the edges. Chewing the dry stiff hair and buffalo-skin, my father’s eyes sought my hands. Upon seeing them empty, he cried out:

“My son, your soft heart will let me starve before you bring me meat! Two hills eastward stand a herd of cattle. Yet you will see me die before you bring me food!”

Leaving my mother lying with covered head upon her mat, I rushed out into the night.

With a strange warmth in my heart and swiftness in my feet, I climbed over the first hill, and soon the second one. The moonlight upon the white country showed me a clear path to the white man’s cattle. With my hand upon the knife in my belt, I leaned heavily against the fence while counting the herd.

Twenty in all I numbered. From among them I chose the best-fattened creature. Leaping over the fence, I plunged my knife into it.

My long knife was sharp, and my hands, no more fearful and slow, slashed off choice chunks of warm flesh. Bending under the meat I had taken for my starving father, I hurried across the prairie.

Toward home I fairly ran with the life-giving food I carried upon my back. Hardly had I climbed the second hill when I heard sounds coming after me. Faster and faster I ran with my load for my father, but the sounds were gaining upon me. I heard the clicking of snowshoes and the squeaking of the leather straps at my heels; yet I did not turn to see what pursued me, for I was intent upon reaching my father. Suddenly like thunder an angry voice shouted curses and threats into my ear! A rough hand wrenched my shoulder and took the meat from me! I stopped struggling to run. A deafening whir filled my head. The moon and stars began to move. Now the white prairie was sky, and the stars lay under my feet. Now again they were turning. At last the starry blue rose up into place. The noise in my ears was still. A great quiet filled the air. In my hand I found my long knife dripping with blood. At my feet a man’s figure lay prone in blood-red snow. The horrible scene about me seemed a trick of my senses, for I could not understand it was real. Looking long upon the blood-stained snow, the load of meat for my starving father reached my recognition at last. Quickly I tossed it over my shoulder and started again homeward.

Tired and haunted I reached the door of the wigwam. Carrying the food before me, I entered with it into the tepee.

“Father, here is food!” I cried, as I dropped the meat near my mother. No answer came. Turning about, I beheld my gray-haired father dead! I saw by the unsteady firelight an old gray-haired skeleton lying rigid and stiff.

Out into the open I started, but the snow at my feet became bloody.

V.

On the day after my father’s death, having led my mother to the camp of the medicine-man, I gave myself up to those who were searching for the murderer of the paleface.

They bound me hand and foot. Here in this cell I was placed four days ago.

The shrieking winter winds have followed me hither. Rattling the bars, they howl unceasingly: “Your soft heart! your soft heart will see me die before you bring me food!” Hark! something is clanking the chain on the door. It is being opened. From the dark night without a black figure crosses the threshold. * * * It is the guard. He comes to warn me of my fate. He tells me that tomorrow I must die. In his stern face I laugh aloud. I do not fear death.

Yet I wonder who shall come to welcome me in the realm of strange sight. Will the loving Jesus grant me pardon and give my soul a soothing sleep? or will my warrior father greet me and receive me as his son? Will my spirit fly upward to a happy heaven? or shall I sink into the bottomless pit, an outcast from a God of infinite love?

Soon, soon I shall know, for now I see the east is growing red. My heart is strong. My face is calm. My eyes are dry and eager for new scenes. My hands hang quietly at my side. Serene and brave, my soul awaits the men to perch me on the gallows for another flight. I go.

[Next]

Resistance Primary Source Documents

Document A

Tecumseh’s Speech to the Osages (Winter 1811-12)

Brothers,—We all belong to one family; we are all children of the Great Spirit; we walk in the
same path; slake our thirst at the same spring; and now affairs of the greatest concern lead us to
smoke the pipe around the same council fire!

Brothers,—We are friends; we must assist each other to bear our burdens. The blood of many of
our fathers and brothers has run like water on the ground, to satisfy the avarice of the white men.
We, ourselves, are threatened with a great evil; nothing will pacify them but the destruction of all
the red men.

Brothers,—When the white men first set foot on our grounds, they were hungry; they had no
place on which to spread their blankets, or to kindle their fires. They were feeble; they could do
nothing for themselves. Our father commiserated their distress, and shared freely with them
whatever the Great Spirit had given his red children. They gave them food when hungry,
medicine when sick, spread skins for them to sleep on, and gave them grounds, that they might
hunt and raise corn.

Brothers,—The white people are like poisonous serpents: when chilled, they are feeble and
harmless; but invigorate them with warmth, and they sting their benefactors to death.

The white people came among us feeble; and now we have made them strong, they wish to kill
us, or drive us back, as they would wolves and panthers.

Brothers,—The white men are not friends to the Indians: at first, they only asked for land
sufficient for a wigwam; now, nothing will satisfy them but the whole of our hunting grounds,
from the rising to the setting sun.

Brothers,—The white men want more than our hunting grounds; they wish to kill our warriors;
they would even kill our old men, women and little ones.

Brothers,—Many winters ago, there was no land; the sun did not rise and set: all was darkness.
The Great Spirit made all things. He gave the white people a home beyond the great waters. He
supplied these grounds with game, and gave them to his red children; and he gave them strength
and courage to defend them.

Brothers—My people wish for peace; the red men all wish for peace; but where the white people
are, there is no peace for them, except it be on the bosom of our mother.

Brothers,—The white men despise and cheat the Indians; they abuse and insult them; they do not
think the red men sufficiently good to live.

The red men have borne many and great injuries; they ought to suffer them no longer. My people
will not; they are determined on vengeance; they have taken up the tomahawk; they will make it
fat with blood; they will drink the blood of the white people.

Brothers,—My people are brave and numerous; but the white people are too strong for them
alone. I wish you to take up the tomahawk with them. If we all unite, we will cause the rivers to
stain the great waters with their blood.

Brothers,—If you do not unite with us, they will first destroy us, and then you will fall an easy
prey to them. They have destroyed many nations of red men because they were not united,
because they were not friends to each other.

Brothers,—The white people send runners amongst us; they wish to make us enemies that they
may sweep over and desolate our hunting grounds, like devastating winds, or rushing waters.

Brothers,—Our Great Father, over the great waters, is angry with the white people, our enemies.
He will send his brave warriors against them; he will send us rifles, and whatever else we want—
he is our friend, and we are his children.

Brothers,—Who are the white people that we should fear them? They cannot run fast, and are
good marks to shoot at: they are only men; our fathers have killed many of them; we are not
squaws, and we will stain the earth red with blood.

Brothers,—The Great Spirit is angry with our enemies; he speaks in thunder, and the earth
swallows up villages, and drinks up the Mississippi. The great waters will cover their lowlands;
their corn cannot grow, and the Great Spirit will sweep those who escape to the hills from the
earth with his terrible breach.

Brothers,—We must be united; we must smoke the same pipe; we must fight each other’s battles;
and more than all, we must love the Great Spirits he is for us; he will destroy our enemies, and
make all his red children happy.

Document B

Chief Joseph Speaks
Selected Statements and Speeches

by the Nez Percé Chief – 1870’s

I.

The first white men of your people who came to our country were named Lewis and Clark. They
brought many things which our people had never seen. They talked straight and our people gave
them a great feast as proof that their hearts were friendly. They made presents to our chiefs and
our people made presents to them. We had a great many horses of which we gave them what
they needed, and they gave us guns and tobacco in return. All the Nez Perce made friends with
Lewis and Clark and agreed to let them pass through their country and never to make war on
white men. This promise the Nez Perce have never broken.

II.

For a short time we lived quietly. But this could not last. White men had found gold in the
mountains around the land of the Winding Water. They stole a great many horses from us and we
could not get them back because we were Indians. The white men told lies for each other. They
drove off a great many of our cattle. Some white men branded our young cattle so they could
claim them. We had no friends who would plead our cause before the law councils. It seemed to
me that some of the white men in Wallowa were doing these things on purpose to get up a war.
They knew we were not stong enough to fight them. I labored hard to avoid trouble and
bloodshed. We gave up some of our country to the white men, thinking that then we could have
peace. We were mistaken. The white men would not let us alone. We could have avenged our
wrongs many times, but we did not. Whenever the Government has asked for help against other
Indians we have never refused. When the white men were few and we were strong we could have
killed them off, but the Nez Perce wishes to live at peace.

On account of the treaty made by the other bands of the Nez Perce the white man claimed my
lands. We were troubled with white men crowding over the line. Some of them were good men,
and we lived on peaceful terms with them, but they were not all good. Nearly every year the
agent came over from Lapwai and ordered us to the reservation. We always replied that we were
satisfied to live in Wallowa. We were careful to refuse the presents or annuities which he
offered.

Through all the years since the white man came to Wallowa we have been threatened and taunted
by them and the treaty Nez Perce. They have given us no rest. We have had a few good friends
among the white men, and they have always advised my people to bear these taunts without
fighting. Our young men are quick tempered and I have had great trouble in keeping them from
doing rash things. I have carried a heavy load on my back ever since I was a boy. I learned then
that we were but few while the white men were many, and that we could not hold our own with
them. We were like deer. They were like grizzly bears. We had a small country. Their country
was large. We were contented to let things remain as the Great Spirit Chief made them. They
were not; and would change the mountains and rivers if they did not suit them.

Document C

Black Hawk’s Surrender Speech, 1832

A Sauk Chief, Black Hawk denounced the treaty of 1804 and in 1832 moved his tribe
across the Mississippi River into Illinois. He was defeated by the 6th US Infantry in what
was the Black Hawk War of 1832.

You have taken me prisoner with all my warriors. I am much grieved, for I expected, if I did not
defeat you, to hold out much longer, and give you more trouble before I surrendered. I tried hard
to bring you into ambush, but your last general understands Indian fighting. The first one was not
so wise. When I saw that I could not beat you by Indian fighting, I determined to rush on you,
and fight you face to face. I fought hard. But your guns were well aimed. The bullets flew like
birds in the air, and whizzed by our ears like the wind through the trees in the winter. My
warriors fell around me; it began to look dismal. I saw my evil day at hand. The sun rose dim on
us in the morning, and at night it sunk in a dark cloud, and looked like a ball of fire. That was the
last sun that shone on Black Hawk. His heart is dead, and no longer beats quick in his bosom. He
is now a prisoner to the white men; they will do with him as they wish. But he can stand torture,
and is not afraid of death. He is no coward. Black Hawk is an Indian.

He has done nothing for which an Indian ought to be ashamed. He has fought for his
countrymen, the squaws and papooses, against white men, who came, year after year, to cheat
them and take away their lands. You know the cause of our making war. It is known to all white
men. They ought to be ashamed of it. The white men despise the Indians, and drive them from
their homes. But the Indians are not deceitful. The white men speak bad of the Indian, and took
at him spitefully. But the Indian does not tell lies; Indians do not steal.

An Indian who is as bad as the white men, could not live in our nation; he would be put to death,
and eat [sic] up by the wolves. The white men are bad school-masters; they carry false looks, and
deal in false actions; they smile in the face of the poor Indian to cheat him; they shake them by
the hand to gain their confidence, to make them drunk, to deceive them, and ruin our wives. We
told them to let us alone; but they followed on and beset our paths, and they coiled themselves
among us like the snake. They poisoned us by their touch. We were not safe. We lived in danger.
We were becoming like them, hypocrites and liars, adulterers, lazy drones, all talkers, and no
workers. . .

. . . The white men do not scalp the head; but they do worse-they poison the heart, it is not pure
with them. . .

The Project Gutenberg eBook of Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, Written by Herself

This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this ebook or online
at
www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States,
you will have to check the laws of the country where you are located
before using this eBook.

Title: Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, Written by Herself

Author: Harriet A. Jacobs

Editor: Lydia Maria Child

Release date: February 1, 2004 [eBook #11030]
Most recently updated: June 1, 2024

Language: English

Credits: Juliet Sutherland, Andre Lapierre and PG Distributed Proofreaders. Revised by Richard Tonsing.

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF A SLAVE GIRL, WRITTEN BY HERSELF ***

[Transcriber’s note: The spelling irregularities of the original have been
retained in this etext.]

INCIDENTS
IN THE
LIFE OF A SLAVE GIRL.

WRITTEN BY HERSELF.

“Northerners know nothing at all about Slavery. They think it is perpetual
bondage only. They have no conception of the depth of degradation
involved in that word, Slavery; if they had, they would never cease their
efforts until so horrible a system was overthrown.”

A Woman of North Carolina.

“Rise up, ye women that are at ease! Hear my voice, ye careless daughters!
Give ear unto my speech.”

Isaiah xxxii. 9.

EDITED BY L. MARIA CHILD

BOSTON:
PUBLISHED FOR THE AUTHOR
1861.

Contents.

PREFACE BY THE AUTHOR

INTRODUCTION BY THE EDITOR

INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF A SLAVE GIRL

I. Childhood

II. The New Master And Mistress.

III. The Slaves’ New Year’s Day.

IV. The Slave Who Dared To Feel Like A Man.

V. The Trials Of Girlhood.

VI. The Jealous Mistress.

VII. The Lover.

VIII. What Slaves Are Taught To Think Of The
North.

IX. Sketches Of Neighboring Slaveholders.

X. A Perilous Passage In The Slave Girl’s Life.

XI. The New Tie To Life.

XII. Fear Of Insurrection.

XIII. The Church And Slavery.

XIV. Another Link To Life.

XV. Continued Persecutions.

XVI. Scenes At The Plantation.

XVII. The Flight.

XVIII. Months Of Peril.

XIX. The Children Sold.

XX. New Perils.

XXI. The Loophole Of Retreat.

XXII. Christmas Festivities.

XXIII. Still In Prison.

XXIV. The Candidate For Congress.

XXV. Competition In Cunning.

XXVI. Important Era In My Brother’s Life.

XXVII. New Destination For The Children.

XXVIII. Aunt Nancy.

XXIX. Preparations For Escape.

XXX. Northward Bound.

XXXI. Incidents In Philadelphia.

XXXII. The Meeting Of Mother And Daughter.

XXXIII. A Home Found.

XXXIV. The Old Enemy Again.

XXXV. Prejudice Against Color.

XXXVI. The Hairbreadth Escape.

XXXVII. A Visit To England

XXXVIII. Renewed Invitations To Go South.

XXXIX. The Confession.

XL. The Fugitive Slave Law.

XLI. Free At Last.

APPENDIX.

Preface by the Author

Reader, be assured this narrative is no fiction. I am aware that some of my
adventures may seem incredible; but they are, nevertheless, strictly true.
I have not exaggerated the wrongs inflicted by Slavery; on the contrary,
my descriptions fall far short of the facts. I have concealed the names of
places, and given persons fictitious names. I had no motive for secrecy on
my own account, but I deemed it kind and considerate towards others to
pursue this course.

I wish I were more competent to the task I have undertaken. But I trust my
readers will excuse deficiencies in consideration of circumstances. I was
born and reared in Slavery; and I remained in a Slave State twenty-seven
years. Since I have been at the North, it has been necessary for me to
work diligently for my own support, and the education of my children. This
has not left me much leisure to make up for the loss of early
opportunities to improve myself; and it has compelled me to write these
pages at irregular intervals, whenever I could snatch an hour from
household duties.

When I first arrived in Philadelphia, Bishop Paine advised me to publish a
sketch of my life, but I told him I was altogether incompetent to such an
undertaking. Though I have improved my mind somewhat since that time, I
still remain of the same opinion; but I trust my motives will excuse what
might otherwise seem presumptuous. I have not written my experiences in
order to attract attention to myself; on the contrary, it would have been
more pleasant to me to have been silent about my own history. Neither do I
care to excite sympathy for my own sufferings. But I do earnestly desire
to arouse the women of the North to a realizing sense of the condition of
two millions of women at the South, still in bondage, suffering what I
suffered, and most of them far worse. I want to add my testimony to that
of abler pens to convince the people of the Free States what Slavery
really is. Only by experience can any one realize how deep, and dark, and
foul is that pit of abominations. May the blessing of God rest on this
imperfect effort in behalf of my persecuted people!

Linda Brent.

Introduction by the Editor

The author of the following autobiography is personally known to me, and
her conversation and manners inspire me with confidence. During the last
seventeen years, she has lived the greater part of the time with a
distinguished family in New York, and has so deported herself as to be
highly esteemed by them. This fact is sufficient, without further
credentials of her character. I believe those who know her will not be
disposed to doubt her veracity, though some incidents in her story are
more romantic than fiction.

At her request, I have revised her manuscript; but such changes as I have
made have been mainly for purposes of condensation and orderly
arrangement. I have not added any thing to the incidents, or changed the
import of her very pertinent remarks. With trifling exceptions, both the
ideas and the language are her own. I pruned excrescences a little, but
otherwise I had no reason for changing her lively and dramatic way of
telling her own story. The names of both persons and places are known to
me; but for good reasons I suppress them.

It will naturally excite surprise that a woman reared in Slavery should be
able to write so well. But circumstances will explain this. In the first
place, nature endowed her with quick perceptions. Secondly, the mistress,
with whom she lived till she was twelve years old, was a kind, considerate
friend, who taught her to read and spell. Thirdly, she was placed in
favorable circumstances after she came to the North; having frequent
intercourse with intelligent persons, who felt a friendly interest in her
welfare, and were disposed to give her opportunities for self-improvement.

I am well aware that many will accuse me of indecorum for presenting these
pages to the public; for the experiences of this intelligent and
much-injured woman belong to a class which some call delicate subjects,
and others indelicate. This peculiar phase of Slavery has generally been
kept veiled; but the public ought to be made acquainted with its monstrous
features, and I willingly take the responsibility of presenting them with
the veil withdrawn. I do this for the sake of my sisters in bondage, who
are suffering wrongs so foul, that our ears are too delicate to listen to
them. I do it with the hope of arousing conscientious and reflecting women
at the North to a sense of their duty in the exertion of moral influence
on the question of Slavery, on all possible occasions. I do it with the
hope that every man who reads this narrative will swear solemnly before
God that, so far as he has power to prevent it, no fugitive from Slavery
shall ever be sent back to suffer in that loathsome den of corruption and
cruelty.

L. Maria Child.

INCIDENTS
IN THE
LIFE OF A SLAVE GIRL,
SEVEN YEARS CONCEALED.

I. Childhood

I was born a slave; but I never knew it till six years of happy childhood
had passed away. My father was a carpenter, and considered so intelligent
and skilful in his trade, that, when buildings out of the common line were
to be erected, he was sent for from long distances, to be head workman. On
condition of paying his mistress two hundred dollars a year, and
supporting himself, he was allowed to work at his trade, and manage his
own affairs. His strongest wish was to purchase his children; but, though
he several times offered his hard earnings for that purpose, he never
succeeded. In complexion my parents were a light shade of brownish yellow,
and were termed mulattoes. They lived together in a comfortable home; and,
though we were all slaves, I was so fondly shielded that I never dreamed I
was a piece of merchandise, trusted to them for safe keeping, and liable
to be demanded of them at any moment. I had one brother, William, who was
two years younger than myself—a bright, affectionate child. I had
also a great treasure in my maternal grandmother, who was a remarkable
woman in many respects. She was the daughter of a planter in South
Carolina, who, at his death, left her mother and his three children free,
with money to go to St. Augustine, where they had relatives. It was during
the Revolutionary War; and they were captured on their passage, carried
back, and sold to different purchasers. Such was the story my grandmother
used to tell me; but I do not remember all the particulars. She was a
little girl when she was captured and sold to the keeper of a large hotel.
I have often heard her tell how hard she fared during childhood. But as
she grew older she evinced so much intelligence, and was so faithful, that
her master and mistress could not help seeing it was for their interest to
take care of such a valuable piece of property. She became an
indispensable personage in the household, officiating in all capacities,
from cook and wet nurse to seamstress. She was much praised for her
cooking; and her nice crackers became so famous in the neighborhood that
many people were desirous of obtaining them. In consequence of numerous
requests of this kind, she asked permission of her mistress to bake
crackers at night, after all the household work was done; and she obtained
leave to do it, provided she would clothe herself and her children from
the profits. Upon these terms, after working hard all day for her
mistress, she began her midnight bakings, assisted by her two oldest
children. The business proved profitable; and each year she laid by a
little, which was saved for a fund to purchase her children. Her master
died, and the property was divided among his heirs. The widow had her
dower in the hotel, which she continued to keep open. My grandmother
remained in her service as a slave; but her children were divided among
her master’s children. As she had five, Benjamin, the youngest one, was
sold, in order that each heir might have an equal portion of dollars and
cents. There was so little difference in our ages that he seemed more like
my brother than my uncle. He was a bright, handsome lad, nearly white; for
he inherited the complexion my grandmother had derived from Anglo-Saxon
ancestors. Though only ten years old, seven hundred and twenty dollars
were paid for him. His sale was a terrible blow to my grandmother; but she
was naturally hopeful, and she went to work with renewed energy, trusting
in time to be able to purchase some of her children. She had laid up three
hundred dollars, which her mistress one day begged as a loan, promising to
pay her soon. The reader probably knows that no promise or writing given
to a slave is legally binding; for, according to Southern laws, a slave,
being property, can hold no property. When my grandmother
lent her hard earnings to her mistress, she trusted solely to her honor.
The honor of a slaveholder to a slave!

To this good grandmother I was indebted for many comforts. My brother
Willie and I often received portions of the crackers, cakes, and
preserves, she made to sell; and after we ceased to be children we were
indebted to her for many more important services.

Such were the unusually fortunate circumstances of my early childhood.
When I was six years old, my mother died; and then, for the first time, I
learned, by the talk around me, that I was a slave. My mother’s mistress
was the daughter of my grandmother’s mistress. She was the foster sister of
my mother; they were both nourished at my grandmother’s breast. In
fact, my mother had been weaned at three months old, that the babe of the
mistress might obtain sufficient food. They played together as children;
and, when they became women, my mother was a most faithful servant to her
whiter foster sister. On her death-bed her mistress promised that her
children should never suffer for any thing; and during her lifetime she
kept her word. They all spoke kindly of my dead mother, who had been a
slave merely in name, but in nature was noble and womanly. I grieved for
her, and my young mind was troubled with the thought who would now take
care of me and my little brother. I was told that my home was now to be
with her mistress; and I found it a happy one. No toilsome or disagreeable
duties were imposed upon me. My mistress was so kind to me that I was always
glad to do her bidding, and proud to labor for her as much as my young
years would permit. I would sit by her side for hours, sewing diligently,
with a heart as free from care as that of any free-born white child. When
she thought I was tired, she would send me out to run and jump; and away I
bounded, to gather berries or flowers to decorate her room. Those were
happy days—too happy to last. The slave child had no thought for the
morrow; but there came that blight, which too surely waits on every human
being born to be a chattel.

When I was nearly twelve years old, my kind mistress sickened and died. As
I saw the cheek grow paler, and the eye more glassy, how earnestly I
prayed in my heart that she might live! I loved her; for she had been
almost like a mother to me. My prayers were not answered. She died, and
they buried her in the little churchyard, where, day after day, my tears
fell upon her grave.

I was sent to spend a week with my grandmother. I was now old enough to
begin to think of the future; and again and again I asked myself what they
would do with me. I felt sure I should never find another mistress so kind
as the one who was gone. She had promised my dying mother that her
children should never suffer for any thing; and when I remembered that,
and recalled her many proofs of attachment to me, I could not help having
some hopes that she had left me free. My friends were almost certain it
would be so. They thought she would be sure to do it, on account of my
mother’s love and faithful service. But, alas! we all know that the memory
of a faithful slave does not avail much to save her children from the
auction block.

After a brief period of suspense, the will of my mistress was read, and we
learned that she had bequeathed me to her sister’s daughter, a child of
five years old. So vanished our hopes. My mistress had taught me the
precepts of God’s Word: “Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”
“Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, do ye even so unto
them.” But I was her slave, and I suppose she did not recognize me as her
neighbor. I would give much to blot out from my memory that one great
wrong. As a child, I loved my mistress; and, looking back on the happy
days I spent with her, I try to think with less bitterness of this act of
injustice. While I was with her, she taught me to read and spell; and for
this privilege, which so rarely falls to the lot of a slave, I bless her
memory.

She possessed but few slaves; and at her death those were all distributed
among her relatives. Five of them were my grandmother’s children, and had
shared the same milk that nourished her mother’s children. Notwithstanding
my grandmother’s long and faithful service to her owners, not one of her
children escaped the auction block. These God-breathing machines are no
more, in the sight of their masters, than the cotton they plant, or the
horses they tend.

II. The New Master And Mistress.

Dr. Flint, a physician in the neighborhood, had married the sister of my
mistress, and I was now the property of their little daughter. It was not
without murmuring that I prepared for my new home; and what added to my
unhappiness, was the fact that my brother William was purchased by the
same family. My father, by his nature, as well as by the habit of
transacting business as a skilful mechanic, had more of the feelings of a
freeman than is common among slaves. My brother was a spirited boy; and
being brought up under such influences, he early detested the name of
master and mistress. One day, when his father and his mistress both
happened to call him at the same time, he hesitated between the two; being
perplexed to know which had the strongest claim upon his obedience. He
finally concluded to go to his mistress. When my father reproved him for
it, he said, “You both called me, and I didn’t know which I ought to go to
first.”

“You are my child,” replied our father, “and when I call you, you
should come immediately, if you have to pass through fire and water.”

Poor Willie! He was now to learn his first lesson of obedience to a
master. Grandmother tried to cheer us with hopeful words, and they found
an echo in the credulous hearts of youth.

When we entered our new home we encountered cold looks, cold words, and
cold treatment. We were glad when the night came. On my narrow bed I
moaned and wept, I felt so desolate and alone.

I had been there nearly a year, when a dear little friend of mine was
buried. I heard her mother sob, as the clods fell on the coffin of her
only child, and I turned away from the grave, feeling thankful that I
still had something left to love. I met my grandmother, who said, “Come
with me, Linda;” and from her tone I knew that something sad had happened.
She led me apart from the people, and then said, “My child, your father is
dead.” Dead! How could I believe it? He had died so suddenly I had not
even heard that he was sick. I went home with my grandmother. My heart
rebelled against God, who had taken from me mother, father, mistress, and
friend. The good grandmother tried to comfort me. “Who knows the ways of
God?” said she. “Perhaps they have been kindly taken from the evil days to
come.” Years afterwards I often thought of this. She promised to be a
mother to her grandchildren, so far as she might be permitted to do so;
and strengthened by her love, I returned to my master’s. I thought I
should be allowed to go to my father’s house the next morning; but I was
ordered to go for flowers, that my mistress’s house might be decorated for
an evening party. I spent the day gathering flowers and weaving them into
festoons, while the dead body of my father was lying within a mile of me.
What cared my owners for that? he was merely a piece of property.
Moreover, they thought he had spoiled his children, by teaching them to
feel that they were human beings. This was blasphemous doctrine for a
slave to teach; presumptuous in him, and dangerous to the masters.

The next day I followed his remains to a humble grave beside that of my
dear mother. There were those who knew my father’s worth, and respected
his memory.

My home now seemed more dreary than ever. The laugh of the little
slave-children sounded harsh and cruel. It was selfish to feel so about
the joy of others. My brother moved about with a very grave face. I tried
to comfort him, by saying, “Take courage, Willie; brighter days will come
by and by.”

“You don’t know any thing about it, Linda,” he replied. “We shall have to
stay here all our days; we shall never be free.”

I argued that we were growing older and stronger, and that perhaps we
might, before long, be allowed to hire our own time, and then we could
earn money to buy our freedom. William declared this was much easier to
say than to do; moreover, he did not intend to buy his freedom. We
held daily controversies upon this subject.

Little attention was paid to the slaves’ meals in Dr. Flint’s house. If
they could catch a bit of food while it was going, well and good. I gave
myself no trouble on that score, for on my various errands I passed my
grandmother’s house, where there was always something to spare for me. I
was frequently threatened with punishment if I stopped there; and my
grandmother, to avoid detaining me, often stood at the gate with something
for my breakfast or dinner. I was indebted to her for all my
comforts, spiritual or temporal. It was her labor that supplied my
scanty wardrobe. I have a vivid recollection of the linsey-woolsey dress
given me every winter by Mrs. Flint. How I hated it! It was one of the
badges of slavery.

While my grandmother was thus helping to support me from her hard
earnings, the three hundred dollars she had lent her mistress were never
repaid. When her mistress died, her son-in-law, Dr. Flint, was appointed
executor. When grandmother applied to him for payment, he said the estate
was insolvent, and the law prohibited payment. It did not, however,
prohibit him from retaining the silver candelabra, which had been
purchased with that money. I presume they will be handed down in the
family, from generation to generation.

My grandmother’s mistress had always promised her that, at her death, she
should be free; and it was said that in her will she made good the
promise. But when the estate was settled, Dr. Flint told the faithful old
servant that, under existing circumstances, it was necessary she should be
sold.

On the appointed day, the customary advertisement was posted up,
proclaiming that there would be a “public sale of negroes, horses, &c.”
Dr. Flint called to tell my grandmother that he was unwilling to wound her
feelings by putting her up at auction, and that he would prefer to dispose
of her at private sale. My grandmother saw through his hypocrisy; she
understood very well that he was ashamed of the job. She was a very
spirited woman, and if he was base enough to sell her, when her mistress
intended she should be free, she was determined the public should know it.
She had for a long time supplied many families with crackers and
preserves; consequently, “Aunt Marthy,” as she was called, was generally
known, and every body who knew her respected her intelligence and good
character. Her long and faithful service in the family was also well
known, and the intention of her mistress to leave her free. When the day
of sale came, she took her place among the chattels, and at the first call
she sprang upon the auction-block. Many voices called out, “Shame! Shame!
Who is going to sell you, aunt Marthy? Don’t stand there! That is
no place for you.” Without saying a word, she quietly awaited her
fate. No one bid for her. At last, a feeble voice said, “Fifty dollars.”
It came from a maiden lady, seventy years old, the sister of my
grandmother’s deceased mistress. She had lived forty years under the same
roof with my grandmother; she knew how faithfully she had served her
owners, and how cruelly she had been defrauded of her rights; and she
resolved to protect her. The auctioneer waited for a higher bid; but her
wishes were respected; no one bid above her. She could neither read nor
write; and when the bill of sale was made out, she signed it with a cross.
But what consequence was that, when she had a big heart overflowing with
human kindness? She gave the old servant her freedom.

At that time, my grandmother was just fifty years old. Laborious years had
passed since then; and now my brother and I were slaves to the man who had
defrauded her of her money, and tried to defraud her of her freedom. One
of my mother’s sisters, called Aunt Nancy, was also a slave in his family.
She was a kind, good aunt to me; and supplied the place of both
housekeeper and waiting maid to her mistress. She was, in fact, at the
beginning and end of every thing.

Mrs. Flint, like many southern women, was totally deficient in energy. She
had not strength to superintend her household affairs; but her nerves were
so strong, that she could sit in her easy chair and see a woman whipped,
till the blood trickled from every stroke of the lash. She was a member of
the church; but partaking of the Lord’s supper did not seem to put her in
a Christian frame of mind. If dinner was not served at the exact time on
that particular Sunday, she would station herself in the kitchen, and wait
till it was dished, and then spit in all the kettles and pans that had
been used for cooking. She did this to prevent the cook and her children
from eking out their meagre fare with the remains of the gravy and other
scrapings. The slaves could get nothing to eat except what she chose to
give them. Provisions were weighed out by the pound and ounce, three times
a day. I can assure you she gave them no chance to eat wheat bread from
her flour barrel. She knew how many biscuits a quart of flour would make,
and exactly what size they ought to be.

Dr. Flint was an epicure. The cook never sent a dinner to his table
without fear and trembling; for if there happened to be a dish not to his
liking, he would either order her to be whipped, or compel her to eat
every mouthful of it in his presence. The poor, hungry creature might not
have objected to eating it; but she did object to having her master cram
it down her throat till she choked.

They had a pet dog, that was a nuisance in the house. The cook was ordered
to make some Indian mush for him. He refused to eat, and when his head was
held over it, the froth flowed from his mouth into the basin. He died a
few minutes after. When Dr. Flint came in, he said the mush had not been
well cooked, and that was the reason the animal would not eat it. He sent
for the cook, and compelled her to eat it. He thought that the woman’s
stomach was stronger than the dog’s; but her sufferings afterwards proved
that he was mistaken. This poor woman endured many cruelties from her
master and mistress; sometimes she was locked up, away from her nursing
baby, for a whole day and night.

When I had been in the family a few weeks, one of the plantation slaves
was brought to town, by order of his master. It was near night when he
arrived, and Dr. Flint ordered him to be taken to the work house, and tied
up to the joist, so that his feet would just escape the ground. In that
situation he was to wait till the doctor had taken his tea. I shall never
forget that night. Never before, in my life, had I heard hundreds of blows
fall, in succession, on a human being. His piteous groans, and his “O,
pray don’t, massa,” rang in my ear for months afterwards. There were many
conjectures as to the cause of this terrible punishment. Some said master
accused him of stealing corn; others said the slave had quarrelled with
his wife, in presence of the overseer, and had accused his master of being
the father of her child. They were both black, and the child was very
fair.

I went into the work house next morning, and saw the cowhide still wet
with blood, and the boards all covered with gore. The poor man lived, and
continued to quarrel with his wife. A few months afterwards Dr. Flint
handed them both over to a slave-trader. The guilty man put their value
into his pocket, and had the satisfaction of knowing that they were out of
sight and hearing. When the mother was delivered into the trader’s hands,
she said, “You promised to treat me well.” To which he replied,
“You have let your tongue run too far; damn you!” She had forgotten that
it was a crime for a slave to tell who was the father of her child.

From others than the master persecution also comes in such cases. I once
saw a young slave girl dying soon after the birth of a child nearly white.
In her agony she cried out, “O Lord, come and take me!” Her mistress stood
by, and mocked at her like an incarnate fiend. “You suffer, do you?” she
exclaimed. “I am glad of it. You deserve it all, and more too.”

The girl’s mother said, “The baby is dead, thank God; and I hope my poor
child will soon be in heaven, too.”

“Heaven!” retorted the mistress. “There is no such place for the like of
her and her bastard.”

The poor mother turned away, sobbing. Her dying daughter called her,
feebly, and as she bent over her, I heard her say, “Don’t grieve so,
mother; God knows all about it; and HE will have mercy upon me.”

Her sufferings, afterwards, became so intense, that her mistress felt
unable to stay; but when she left the room, the scornful smile was still
on her lips. Seven children called her mother. The poor black woman had
but the one child, whose eyes she saw closing in death, while she thanked
God for taking her away from the greater bitterness of life.

III. The Slaves’ New Year’s Day.

Dr. Flint owned a fine residence in town, several farms, and about fifty
slaves, besides hiring a number by the year.

Hiring-day at the south takes place on the 1st of January. On the 2d, the
slaves are expected to go to their new masters. On a farm, they work until
the corn and cotton are laid. They then have two holidays. Some masters
give them a good dinner under the trees. This over, they work until
Christmas eve. If no heavy charges are meantime brought against them, they
are given four or five holidays, whichever the master or overseer may
think proper. Then comes New Year’s eve; and they gather together their
little alls, or more properly speaking, their little nothings, and wait
anxiously for the dawning of day. At the appointed hour the grounds are
thronged with men, women, and children, waiting, like criminals, to hear
their doom pronounced. The slave is sure to know who is the most humane,
or cruel master, within forty miles of him.

It is easy to find out, on that day, who clothes and feeds his slaves
well; for he is surrounded by a crowd, begging, “Please, massa, hire me
this year. I will work very hard, massa.”

If a slave is unwilling to go with his new master, he is whipped, or
locked up in jail, until he consents to go, and promises not to run away
during the year. Should he chance to change his mind, thinking it
justifiable to violate an extorted promise, woe unto him if he is caught!
The whip is used till the blood flows at his feet; and his stiffened limbs
are put in chains, to be dragged in the field for days and days!

If he lives until the next year, perhaps the same man will hire him again,
without even giving him an opportunity of going to the hiring-ground.
After those for hire are disposed of, those for sale are called up.

O, you happy free women, contrast your New Year’s day with that of
the poor bond-woman! With you it is a pleasant season, and the light of
the day is blessed. Friendly wishes meet you every where, and gifts are
showered upon you. Even hearts that have been estranged from you soften at
this season, and lips that have been silent echo back, “I wish you a happy
New Year.” Children bring their little offerings, and raise their rosy
lips for a caress. They are your own, and no hand but that of death can
take them from you.

But to the slave mother New Year’s day comes laden with peculiar sorrows.
She sits on her cold cabin floor, watching the children who may all be
torn from her the next morning; and often does she wish that she and they
might die before the day dawns. She may be an ignorant creature, degraded
by the system that has brutalized her from childhood; but she has a
mother’s instincts, and is capable of feeling a mother’s agonies.

On one of these sale days, I saw a mother lead seven children to the
auction-block. She knew that some of them would be taken from her;
but they took all. The children were sold to a slave-trader, and
their mother was bought by a man in her own town. Before night her
children were all far away. She begged the trader to tell her where he
intended to take them; this he refused to do. How could he, when he
knew he would sell them, one by one, wherever he could command the highest
price? I met that mother in the street, and her wild, haggard face lives
to-day in my mind. She wrung her hands in anguish, and exclaimed, “Gone!
All gone! Why don’t God kill me?” I had no words wherewith to
comfort her. Instances of this kind are of daily, yea, of hourly
occurrence.

Slaveholders have a method, peculiar to their institution, of getting rid
of old slaves, whose lives have been worn out in their service. I
knew an old woman, who for seventy years faithfully served her master. She
had become almost helpless, from hard labor and disease. Her owners moved
to Alabama, and the old black woman was left to be sold to any body who
would give twenty dollars for her.

IV. The Slave Who Dared To Feel Like A Man.

Two years had passed since I entered Dr. Flint’s family, and those years
had brought much of the knowledge that comes from experience, though they
had afforded little opportunity for any other kinds of knowledge.

My grandmother had, as much as possible, been a mother to her orphan
grandchildren. By perseverance and unwearied industry, she was now
mistress of a snug little home, surrounded with the necessaries of life.
She would have been happy could her children have shared them with her.
There remained but three children and two grandchildren, all slaves. Most
earnestly did she strive to make us feel that it was the will of God: that
He had seen fit to place us under such circumstances; and though it seemed
hard, we ought to pray for contentment.

It was a beautiful faith, coming from a mother who could not call her
children her own. But I, and Benjamin, her youngest boy, condemned it. We
reasoned that it was much more the will of God that we should be situated
as she was. We longed for a home like hers. There we always found sweet
balsam for our troubles. She was so loving, so sympathizing! She always
met us with a smile, and listened with patience to all our sorrows. She
spoke so hopefully, that unconsciously the clouds gave place to sunshine.
There was a grand big oven there, too, that baked bread and nice things
for the town, and we knew there was always a choice bit in store for us.

But, alas! Even the charms of the old oven failed to reconcile us to our
hard lot. Benjamin was now a tall, handsome lad, strongly and gracefully
made, and with a spirit too bold and daring for a slave. My brother
William, now twelve years old, had the same aversion to the word master
that he had when he was an urchin of seven years. I was his confidant. He
came to me with all his troubles. I remember one instance in particular.
It was on a lovely spring morning, and when I marked the sunlight dancing
here and there, its beauty seemed to mock my sadness. For my master, whose
restless, craving, vicious nature roved about day and night, seeking whom
to devour, had just left me, with stinging, scorching words; words that
scathed ear and brain like fire. O, how I despised him! I thought how glad
I should be, if some day when he walked the earth, it would open and
swallow him up, and disencumber the world of a plague.

When he told me that I was made for his use, made to obey his command in
every thing; that I was nothing but a slave, whose will must and
should surrender to his, never before had my puny arm felt half so strong.

So deeply was I absorbed in painful reflections afterwards, that I neither
saw nor heard the entrance of any one, till the voice of William sounded
close beside me. “Linda,” said he, “what makes you look so sad? I love
you. O, Linda, isn’t this a bad world? Every body seems so cross and
unhappy. I wish I had died when poor father did.”

I told him that every body was not cross, or unhappy; that those
who had pleasant homes, and kind friends, and who were not afraid to love
them, were happy. But we, who were slave-children, without father or
mother, could not expect to be happy. We must be good; perhaps that would
bring us contentment.

“Yes,” he said, “I try to be good; but what’s the use? They are all the
time troubling me.” Then he proceeded to relate his afternoon’s difficulty
with young master Nicholas. It seemed that the brother of master Nicholas
had pleased himself with making up stories about William. Master Nicholas
said he should be flogged, and he would do it. Whereupon he went to work;
but William fought bravely, and the young master, finding he was getting
the better of him, undertook to tie his hands behind him. He failed in
that likewise. By dint of kicking and fisting, William came out of the
skirmish none the worse for a few scratches.

He continued to discourse, on his young master’s meanness; how he
whipped the little boys, but was a perfect coward when a tussle
ensued between him and white boys of his own size. On such occasions he
always took to his legs. William had other charges to make against him.
One was his rubbing up pennies with quicksilver, and passing them off for
quarters of a dollar on an old man who kept a fruit stall. William was
often sent to buy fruit, and he earnestly inquired of me what he ought to
do under such circumstances. I told him it was certainly wrong to deceive
the old man, and that it was his duty to tell him of the impositions
practised by his young master. I assured him the old man would not be slow
to comprehend the whole, and there the matter would end. William thought
it might with the old man, but not with him. He said he did not
mind the smart of the whip, but he did not like the idea of being
whipped.

While I advised him to be good and forgiving I was not unconscious of the
beam in my own eye. It was the very knowledge of my own shortcomings that
urged me to retain, if possible, some sparks of my brother’s God-given
nature. I had not lived fourteen years in slavery for nothing. I had felt,
seen, and heard enough, to read the characters, and question the motives,
of those around me. The war of my life had begun; and though one of God’s
most powerless creatures, I resolved never to be conquered. Alas, for me!

If there was one pure, sunny spot for me, I believed it to be in
Benjamin’s heart, and in another’s, whom I loved with all the ardor of a
girl’s first love. My owner knew of it, and sought in every way to render
me miserable. He did not resort to corporal punishment, but to all the
petty, tyrannical ways that human ingenuity could devise.

I remember the first time I was punished. It was in the month of February.
My grandmother had taken my old shoes, and replaced them with a new pair.
I needed them; for several inches of snow had fallen, and it still
continued to fall. When I walked through Mrs. Flint’s room, their creaking
grated harshly on her refined nerves. She called me to her, and asked what
I had about me that made such a horrid noise. I told her it was my new
shoes. “Take them off,” said she; “and if you put them on again, I’ll
throw them into the fire.”

I took them off, and my stockings also. She then sent me a long distance,
on an errand. As I went through the snow, my bare feet tingled. That night
I was very hoarse; and I went to bed thinking the next day would find me
sick, perhaps dead. What was my grief on waking to find myself quite well!

I had imagined if I died, or was laid up for some time, that my mistress
would feel a twinge of remorse that she had so hated “the little imp,” as
she styled me. It was my ignorance of that mistress that gave rise to such
extravagant imaginings.

Dr. Flint occasionally had high prices offered for me; but he always said,
“She don’t belong to me. She is my daughter’s property, and I have no
right to sell her.” Good, honest man! My young mistress was still a child,
and I could look for no protection from her. I loved her, and she returned
my affection. I once heard her father allude to her attachment to me; and
his wife promptly replied that it proceeded from fear. This put unpleasant
doubts into my mind. Did the child feign what she did not feel? or was her
mother jealous of the mite of love she bestowed on me? I concluded it must
be the latter. I said to myself, “Surely, little children are true.”

One afternoon I sat at my sewing, feeling unusual depression of spirits.
My mistress had been accusing me of an offence, of which I assured her I
was perfectly innocent; but I saw, by the contemptuous curl of her lip,
that she believed I was telling a lie.

I wondered for what wise purpose God was leading me through such thorny
paths, and whether still darker days were in store for me. As I sat musing
thus, the door opened softly, and William came in. “Well, brother,” said
I, “what is the matter this time?”

“O Linda, Ben and his master have had a dreadful time!” said he.

My first thought was that Benjamin was killed. “Don’t be frightened,
Linda,” said William; “I will tell you all about it.”

It appeared that Benjamin’s master had sent for him, and he did not
immediately obey the summons. When he did, his master was angry, and began
to whip him. He resisted. Master and slave fought, and finally the master
was thrown. Benjamin had cause to tremble; for he had thrown to the ground
his master—one of the richest men in town. I anxiously awaited the
result.

That night I stole to my grandmother’s house, and Benjamin also stole
thither from his master’s. My grandmother had gone to spend a day or two
with an old friend living in the country.

“I have come,” said Benjamin, “to tell you good by. I am going away.”

I inquired where.

“To the north,” he replied.

I looked at him to see whether he was in earnest. I saw it all in his
firm, set mouth. I implored him not to go, but he paid no heed to my
words. He said he was no longer a boy, and every day made his yoke more
galling. He had raised his hand against his master, and was to be publicly
whipped for the offence. I reminded him of the poverty and hardships he
must encounter among strangers. I told him he might be caught and brought
back; and that was terrible to think of.

He grew vexed, and asked if poverty and hardships with freedom, were not
preferable to our treatment in slavery. “Linda,” he continued, “we are
dogs here; foot-balls, cattle, every thing that’s mean. No, I will not
stay. Let them bring me back. We don’t die but once.”

He was right; but it was hard to give him up. “Go,” said I, “and break
your mother’s heart.”

I repented of my words ere they were out.

“Linda,” said he, speaking as I had not heard him speak that evening, “how
could you say that? Poor mother! be kind to her, Linda; and you,
too, cousin Fanny.”

Cousin Fanny was a friend who had lived some years with us.

Farewells were exchanged, and the bright, kind boy, endeared to us by so
many acts of love, vanished from our sight.

It is not necessary to state how he made his escape. Suffice it to say, he
was on his way to New York when a violent storm overtook the vessel. The
captain said he must put into the nearest port. This alarmed Benjamin, who
was aware that he would be advertised in every port near his own town. His
embarrassment was noticed by the captain. To port they went. There the
advertisement met the captain’s eye. Benjamin so exactly answered its
description, that the captain laid hold on him, and bound him in chains.
The storm passed, and they proceeded to New York. Before reaching that
port Benjamin managed to get off his chains and throw them overboard. He
escaped from the vessel, but was pursued, captured, and carried back to
his master.

When my grandmother returned home and found her youngest child had fled,
great was her sorrow; but, with characteristic piety, she said, “God’s
will be done.” Each morning, she inquired if any news had been heard from
her boy. Yes, news was heard. The master was rejoicing over a
letter, announcing the capture of his human chattel.

That day seems but as yesterday, so well do I remember it. I saw him led
through the streets in chains, to jail. His face was ghastly pale, yet
full of determination. He had begged one of the sailors to go to his
mother’s house and ask her not to meet him. He said the sight of her
distress would take from him all self-control. She yearned to see him, and
she went; but she screened herself in the crowd, that it might be as her
child had said.

We were not allowed to visit him; but we had known the jailer for years,
and he was a kind-hearted man. At midnight he opened the jail door for my
grandmother and myself to enter, in disguise. When we entered the cell not
a sound broke the stillness. “Benjamin, Benjamin!” whispered my
grandmother. No answer. “Benjamin!” she again faltered. There was a jingle
of chains. The moon had just risen, and cast an uncertain light through
the bars of the window. We knelt down and took Benjamin’s cold hands in
ours. We did not speak. Sobs were heard, and Benjamin’s lips were
unsealed; for his mother was weeping on his neck. How vividly does memory
bring back that sad night! Mother and son talked together. He asked her
pardon for the suffering he had caused her. She said she had nothing to
forgive; she could not blame his desire for freedom. He told her that when
he was captured, he broke away, and was about casting himself into the
river, when thoughts of her came over him, and he desisted. She
asked if he did not also think of God. I fancied I saw his face grow
fierce in the moonlight. He answered, “No, I did not think of him. When a
man is hunted like a wild beast he forgets there is a God, a heaven. He
forgets every thing in his struggle to get beyond the reach of the
bloodhounds.”

“Don’t talk so, Benjamin,” said she. “Put your trust in God. Be humble, my
child, and your master will forgive you.”

“Forgive me for what, mother? For not letting him treat me like a
dog? No! I will never humble myself to him. I have worked for him for
nothing all my life, and I am repaid with stripes and imprisonment. Here I
will stay till I die, or till he sells me.”

The poor mother shuddered at his words. I think he felt it; for when he
next spoke, his voice was calmer. “Don’t fret about me, mother. I ain’t
worth it,” said he. “I wish I had some of your goodness. You bear every
thing patiently, just as though you thought it was all right. I wish I
could.”

She told him she had not always been so; once, she was like him; but when
sore troubles came upon her, and she had no arm to lean upon, she learned
to call on God, and he lightened her burdens. She besought him to do
likewise.

We overstaid our time, and were obliged to hurry from the jail.

Benjamin had been imprisoned three weeks, when my grandmother went to
intercede for him with his master. He was immovable. He said Benjamin
should serve as an example to the rest of his slaves; he should be kept in
jail till he was subdued, or be sold if he got but one dollar for him.
However, he afterwards relented in some degree. The chains were taken off,
and we were allowed to visit him.

As his food was of the coarsest kind, we carried him as often as possible
a warm supper, accompanied with some little luxury for the jailer.

Three months elapsed, and there was no prospect of release or of a
purchaser. One day he was heard to sing and laugh. This piece of indecorum
was told to his master, and the overseer was ordered to re-chain him. He
was now confined in an apartment with other prisoners, who were covered
with filthy rags. Benjamin was chained near them, and was soon covered
with vermin. He worked at his chains till he succeeded in getting out of
them. He passed them through the bars of the window, with a request that
they should be taken to his master, and he should be informed that he was
covered with vermin.

This audacity was punished with heavier chains, and prohibition of our
visits.

My grandmother continued to send him fresh changes of clothes. The old
ones were burned up. The last night we saw him in jail his mother still
begged him to send for his master, and beg his pardon. Neither persuasion
nor argument could turn him from his purpose. He calmly answered, “I am
waiting his time.”

Those chains were mournful to hear.

Another three months passed, and Benjamin left his prison walls. We that
loved him waited to bid him a long and last farewell. A slave trader had
bought him. You remember, I told you what price he brought when ten years
of age. Now he was more than twenty years old, and sold for three hundred
dollars. The master had been blind to his own interest. Long confinement
had made his face too pale, his form too thin; moreover, the trader had
heard something of his character, and it did not strike him as suitable
for a slave. He said he would give any price if the handsome lad was a
girl. We thanked God that he was not.

Could you have seen that mother clinging to her child, when they fastened
the irons upon his wrists; could you have heard her heart-rending groans,
and seen her bloodshot eyes wander wildly from face to face, vainly
pleading for mercy; could you have witnessed that scene as I saw it, you
would exclaim, Slavery is damnable!

Benjamin, her youngest, her
pet, was forever gone! She could not realize it. She had had an interview
with the trader for the purpose of ascertaining if Benjamin could be
purchased. She was told it was impossible, as he had given bonds not to
sell him till he was out of the state. He promised that he would not sell
him till he reached New Orleans.

With a strong arm and unvaried trust, my grandmother began her work of
love. Benjamin must be free. If she succeeded, she knew they would still
be separated; but the sacrifice was not too great. Day and night she
labored. The trader’s price would treble that he gave; but she was not
discouraged.

She employed a lawyer to write to a gentleman, whom she knew, in New
Orleans. She begged him to interest himself for Benjamin, and he willingly
favored her request. When he saw Benjamin, and stated his business, he
thanked him; but said he preferred to wait a while before making the
trader an offer. He knew he had tried to obtain a high price for him, and
had invariably failed. This encouraged him to make another effort for
freedom. So one morning, long before day, Benjamin was missing. He was
riding over the blue billows, bound for Baltimore.

For once his white face did him a kindly service. They had no suspicion
that it belonged to a slave; otherwise, the law would have been followed
out to the letter, and the thing rendered back to slavery. The
brightest skies are often overshadowed by the darkest clouds. Benjamin was
taken sick, and compelled to remain in Baltimore three weeks. His strength
was slow in returning; and his desire to continue his journey seemed to
retard his recovery. How could he get strength without air and exercise?
He resolved to venture on a short walk. A by-street was selected, where he
thought himself secure of not being met by any one that knew him; but a
voice called out, “Halloo, Ben, my boy! what are you doing here?”

His first impulse was to run; but his legs trembled so that he could not
stir. He turned to confront his antagonist, and behold, there stood his
old master’s next door neighbor! He thought it was all over with him now;
but it proved otherwise. That man was a miracle. He possessed a goodly
number of slaves, and yet was not quite deaf to that mystic clock, whose
ticking is rarely heard in the slaveholder’s breast.

“Ben, you are sick,” said he. “Why, you look like a ghost. I guess I gave
you something of a start. Never mind, Ben, I am not going to touch you.
You had a pretty tough time of it, and you may go on your way rejoicing
for all me. But I would advise you to get out of this place plaguy quick,
for there are several gentlemen here from our town.” He described the
nearest and safest route to New York, and added, “I shall be glad to tell
your mother I have seen you. Good by, Ben.”

Benjamin turned away, filled with gratitude, and surprised that the town
he hated contained such a gem—a gem worthy of a purer setting.

This gentleman was a Northerner by birth, and had married a southern lady.
On his return, he told my grandmother that he had seen her son, and of the
service he had rendered him.

Benjamin reached New York safely, and concluded to stop there until he had
gained strength enough to proceed further. It happened that my
grandmother’s only remaining son had sailed for the same city on business
for his mistress. Through God’s providence, the brothers met. You may be
sure it was a happy meeting. “O Phil,” exclaimed Benjamin, “I am here at
last.” Then he told him how near he came to dying, almost in sight of free
land, and how he prayed that he might live to get one breath of free air.
He said life was worth something now, and it would be hard to die. In the
old jail he had not valued it; once, he was tempted to destroy it; but
something, he did not know what, had prevented him; perhaps it was fear.
He had heard those who profess to be religious declare there was no heaven
for self-murderers; and as his life had been pretty hot here, he did not
desire a continuation of the same in another world. “If I die now,” he
exclaimed, “thank God, I shall die a freeman!”

He begged my uncle Phillip not to return south; but stay and work with
him, till they earned enough to buy those at home. His brother told him it
would kill their mother if he deserted her in her trouble. She had pledged
her house, and with difficulty had raised money to buy him. Would he be
bought?

“No, never!” he replied. “Do you suppose, Phil, when I have got so far out
of their clutches, I will give them one red cent? No! And do you suppose I
would turn mother out of her home in her old age? That I would let her pay
all those hard-earned dollars for me, and never to see me? For you know
she will stay south as long as her other children are slaves. What a good
mother! Tell her to buy you, Phil. You have been a comfort to her,
and I have been a trouble. And Linda, poor Linda; what’ll become of her?
Phil, you don’t know what a life they lead her. She has told me something
about it, and I wish old Flint was dead, or a better man. When I was in
jail, he asked her if she didn’t want him to ask my master to
forgive me, and take me home again. She told him, No; that I didn’t want
to go back. He got mad, and said we were all alike. I never despised my
own master half as much as I do that man. There is many a worse
slaveholder than my master; but for all that I would not be his slave.”

While Benjamin was sick, he had parted with nearly all his clothes to pay
necessary expenses. But he did not part with a little pin I fastened in
his bosom when we parted. It was the most valuable thing I owned, and I
thought none more worthy to wear it. He had it still.

His brother furnished him with clothes, and gave him what money he had.

They parted with moistened eyes; and as Benjamin turned away, he said,
“Phil, I part with all my kindred.” And so it proved. We never heard from
him again.

Uncle Phillip came home; and the first words he uttered when he entered
the house were, “Mother, Ben is free! I have seen him in New York.” She
stood looking at him with a bewildered air. “Mother, don’t you believe
it?” he said, laying his hand softly upon her shoulder. She raised her
hands, and exclaimed, “God be praised! Let us thank him.” She dropped on
her knees, and poured forth her heart in prayer. Then Phillip must sit
down and repeat to her every word Benjamin had said. He told her all; only
he forbore to mention how sick and pale her darling looked. Why should he
distress her when she could do him no good?

The brave old woman still toiled on, hoping to rescue some of her other
children. After a while she succeeded in buying Phillip. She paid eight
hundred dollars, and came home with the precious document that secured his
freedom. The happy mother and son sat together by the old hearthstone that
night, telling how proud they were of each other, and how they would prove
to the world that they could take care of themselves, as they had long
taken care of others. We all concluded by saying, “He that is willing
to be a slave, let him be a slave.”

V. The Trials Of Girlhood.

During the first years of my service in Dr. Flint’s family, I was
accustomed to share some indulgences with the children of my mistress.
Though this seemed to me no more than right, I was grateful for it, and
tried to merit the kindness by the faithful discharge of my duties. But I
now entered on my fifteenth year—a sad epoch in the life of a slave
girl. My master began to whisper foul words in my ear. Young as I was, I
could not remain ignorant of their import. I tried to treat them with
indifference or contempt. The master’s age, my extreme youth, and the fear
that his conduct would be reported to my grandmother, made him bear this
treatment for many months. He was a crafty man, and resorted to many means
to accomplish his purposes. Sometimes he had stormy, terrific ways, that
made his victims tremble; sometimes he assumed a gentleness that he
thought must surely subdue. Of the two, I preferred his stormy moods,
although they left me trembling. He tried his utmost to corrupt the pure
principles my grandmother had instilled. He peopled my young mind with
unclean images, such as only a vile monster could think of. I turned from
him with disgust and hatred. But he was my master. I was compelled to live
under the same roof with him—where I saw a man forty years my senior
daily violating the most sacred commandments of nature. He told me I was
his property; that I must be subject to his will in all things. My soul
revolted against the mean tyranny. But where could I turn for protection?
No matter whether the slave girl be as black as ebony or as fair as her
mistress. In either case, there is no shadow of law to protect her from
insult, from violence, or even from death; all these are inflicted by
fiends who bear the shape of men. The mistress, who ought to protect the
helpless victim, has no other feelings towards her but those of jealousy
and rage. The degradation, the wrongs, the vices, that grow out of
slavery, are more than I can describe. They are greater than you would
willingly believe. Surely, if you credited one half the truths that are
told you concerning the helpless millions suffering in this cruel bondage,
you at the north would not help to tighten the yoke. You surely would
refuse to do for the master, on your own soil, the mean and cruel work
which trained bloodhounds and the lowest class of whites do for him at the
south.

Every where the years bring to all enough of sin and sorrow; but in
slavery the very dawn of life is darkened by these shadows. Even the
little child, who is accustomed to wait on her mistress and her children,
will learn, before she is twelve years old, why it is that her mistress
hates such and such a one among the slaves. Perhaps the child’s own mother
is among those hated ones. She listens to violent outbreaks of jealous
passion, and cannot help understanding what is the cause. She will become
prematurely knowing in evil things. Soon she will learn to tremble when
she hears her master’s footfall. She will be compelled to realize that she
is no longer a child. If God has bestowed beauty upon her, it will prove
her greatest curse. That which commands admiration in the white woman only
hastens the degradation of the female slave. I know that some are too much
brutalized by slavery to feel the humiliation of their position; but many
slaves feel it most acutely, and shrink from the memory of it. I cannot
tell how much I suffered in the presence of these wrongs, nor how I am
still pained by the retrospect. My master met me at every turn, reminding
me that I belonged to him, and swearing by heaven and earth that he would
compel me to submit to him. If I went out for a breath of fresh air, after
a day of unwearied toil, his footsteps dogged me. If I knelt by my
mother’s grave, his dark shadow fell on me even there. The light heart
which nature had given me became heavy with sad forebodings. The other
slaves in my master’s house noticed the change. Many of them pitied me;
but none dared to ask the cause. They had no need to inquire. They knew
too well the guilty practices under that roof; and they were aware that to
speak of them was an offence that never went unpunished.

I longed for some one to confide in. I would have given the world to have
laid my head on my grandmother’s faithful bosom, and told her all my
troubles. But Dr. Flint swore he would kill me, if I was not as silent as
the grave. Then, although my grandmother was all in all to me, I feared
her as well as loved her. I had been accustomed to look up to her with a
respect bordering upon awe. I was very young, and felt shamefaced about
telling her such impure things, especially as I knew her to be very strict
on such subjects. Moreover, she was a woman of a high spirit. She was
usually very quiet in her demeanor; but if her indignation was once
roused, it was not very easily quelled. I had been told that she once
chased a white gentleman with a loaded pistol, because he insulted one of
her daughters. I dreaded the consequences of a violent outbreak; and both
pride and fear kept me silent. But though I did not confide in my
grandmother, and even evaded her vigilant watchfulness and inquiry, her
presence in the neighborhood was some protection to me. Though she had
been a slave, Dr. Flint was afraid of her. He dreaded her scorching
rebukes. Moreover, she was known and patronized by many people; and he did
not wish to have his villany made public. It was lucky for me that I did
not live on a distant plantation, but in a town not so large that the
inhabitants were ignorant of each other’s affairs. Bad as are the laws and
customs in a slaveholding community, the doctor, as a professional man,
deemed it prudent to keep up some outward show of decency.

O, what days and nights of fear and sorrow that man caused me! Reader, it
is not to awaken sympathy for myself that I am telling you truthfully what
I suffered in slavery. I do it to kindle a flame of compassion in your
hearts for my sisters who are still in bondage, suffering as I once
suffered.

I once saw two beautiful children playing together. One was a fair white
child; the other was her slave, and also her sister. When I saw them
embracing each other, and heard their joyous laughter, I turned sadly away
from the lovely sight. I foresaw the inevitable blight that would fall on
the little slave’s heart. I knew how soon her laughter would be changed to
sighs. The fair child grew up to be a still fairer woman. From childhood
to womanhood her pathway was blooming with flowers, and overarched by a
sunny sky. Scarcely one day of her life had been clouded when the sun rose
on her happy bridal morning.

How had those years dealt with her slave sister, the little playmate of
her childhood? She, also, was very beautiful; but the flowers and sunshine
of love were not for her. She drank the cup of sin, and shame, and misery,
whereof her persecuted race are compelled to drink.

In view of these things, why are ye silent, ye free men and women of the
north? Why do your tongues falter in maintenance of the right? Would that
I had more ability! But my heart is so full, and my pen is so weak! There
are noble men and women who plead for us, striving to help those who
cannot help themselves. God bless them! God give them strength and courage
to go on! God bless those, every where, who are laboring to advance the
cause of humanity!

VI. The Jealous Mistress.

I would ten thousand times rather that my children should be the
half-starved paupers of Ireland than to be the most pampered among the
slaves of America. I would rather drudge out my life on a cotton
plantation, till the grave opened to give me rest, than to live with an
unprincipled master and a jealous mistress. The felon’s home in a
penitentiary is preferable. He may repent, and turn from the error of his
ways, and so find peace; but it is not so with a favorite slave. She is
not allowed to have any pride of character. It is deemed a crime in her to
wish to be virtuous.

Mrs. Flint possessed the key to her husband’s character before I was born.
She might have used this knowledge to counsel and to screen the young and
the innocent among her slaves; but for them she had no sympathy. They were
the objects of her constant suspicion and malevolence. She watched her
husband with unceasing vigilance; but he was well practised in means to
evade it. What he could not find opportunity to say in words he manifested
in signs. He invented more than were ever thought of in a deaf and dumb
asylum. I let them pass, as if I did not understand what he meant; and
many were the curses and threats bestowed on me for my stupidity. One day
he caught me teaching myself to write. He frowned, as if he was not well
pleased; but I suppose he came to the conclusion that such an
accomplishment might help to advance his favorite scheme. Before long,
notes were often slipped into my hand. I would return them, saying, “I
can’t read them, sir.” “Can’t you?” he replied; “then I must read them to
you.” He always finished the reading by asking, “Do you understand?”
Sometimes he would complain of the heat of the tea room, and order his
supper to be placed on a small table in the piazza. He would seat himself
there with a well-satisfied smile, and tell me to stand by and brush away
the flies. He would eat very slowly, pausing between the mouthfuls. These
intervals were employed in describing the happiness I was so foolishly
throwing away, and in threatening me with the penalty that finally awaited
my stubborn disobedience. He boasted much of the forbearance he had
exercised towards me, and reminded me that there was a limit to his
patience. When I succeeded in avoiding opportunities for him to talk to me
at home, I was ordered to come to his office, to do some errand. When
there, I was obliged to stand and listen to such language as he saw fit to
address to me. Sometimes I so openly expressed my contempt for him that he
would become violently enraged, and I wondered why he did not strike me.
Circumstanced as he was, he probably thought it was better policy to be
forbearing. But the state of things grew worse and worse daily. In
desperation I told him that I must and would apply to my grandmother for
protection. He threatened me with death, and worse than death, if I made
any complaint to her. Strange to say, I did not despair. I was naturally
of a buoyant disposition, and always I had a hope of somehow getting out
of his clutches. Like many a poor, simple slave before me, I trusted that
some threads of joy would yet be woven into my dark destiny.

I had entered my sixteenth year, and every day it became more apparent
that my presence was intolerable to Mrs. Flint. Angry words frequently
passed between her and her husband. He had never punished me himself, and
he would not allow any body else to punish me. In that respect, she was
never satisfied; but, in her angry moods, no terms were too vile for her
to bestow upon me. Yet I, whom she detested so bitterly, had far more pity
for her than he had, whose duty it was to make her life happy. I never
wronged her, or wished to wrong her; and one word of kindness from her
would have brought me to her feet.

After repeated quarrels between the doctor and his wife, he announced his
intention to take his youngest daughter, then four years old, to sleep in
his apartment. It was necessary that a servant should sleep in the same
room, to be on hand if the child stirred. I was selected for that office,
and informed for what purpose that arrangement had been made. By managing
to keep within sight of people, as much as possible, during the day time,
I had hitherto succeeded in eluding my master, though a razor was often
held to my throat to force me to change this line of policy. At night I
slept by the side of my great aunt, where I felt safe. He was too prudent
to come into her room. She was an old woman, and had been in the family
many years. Moreover, as a married man, and a professional man, he deemed
it necessary to save appearances in some degree. But he resolved to remove
the obstacle in the way of his scheme; and he thought he had planned it so
that he should evade suspicion. He was well aware how much I prized my
refuge by the side of my old aunt, and he determined to dispossess me of
it. The first night the doctor had the little child in his room alone. The
next morning, I was ordered to take my station as nurse the following
night. A kind Providence interposed in my favor. During the day Mrs. Flint
heard of this new arrangement, and a storm followed. I rejoiced to hear it
rage.

After a while my mistress sent for me to come to her room. Her first
question was, “Did you know you were to sleep in the doctor’s room?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Who told you?”

“My master.”

“Will you answer truly all the questions I ask?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Tell me, then, as you hope to be forgiven, are you innocent of what I
have accused you?”

“I am.”

She handed me a Bible, and said, “Lay your hand on your heart, kiss this
holy book, and swear before God that you tell me the truth.”

I took the oath she required, and I did it with a clear conscience.

“You have taken God’s holy word to testify your innocence,” said she. “If
you have deceived me, beware! Now take this stool, sit down, look me
directly in the face, and tell me all that has passed between your master
and you.”

I did as she ordered. As I went on with my account her color changed
frequently, she wept, and sometimes groaned. She spoke in tones so sad,
that I was touched by her grief. The tears came to my eyes; but I was soon
convinced that her emotions arose from anger and wounded pride. She felt
that her marriage vows were desecrated, her dignity insulted; but she had
no compassion for the poor victim of her husband’s perfidy. She pitied
herself as a martyr; but she was incapable of feeling for the condition of
shame and misery in which her unfortunate, helpless slave was placed.

Yet perhaps she had some touch of feeling for me; for when the conference was
ended, she spoke kindly, and promised to protect me. I should have been
much comforted by this assurance if I could have had confidence in it; but
my experiences in slavery had filled me with distrust. She was not a very
refined woman, and had not much control over her passions. I was an object
of her jealousy, and, consequently, of her hatred; and I knew I could not
expect kindness or confidence from her under the circumstances in which I
was placed. I could not blame her. Slaveholders’ wives feel as other women
would under similar circumstances. The fire of her temper kindled from
small sparks, and now the flame became so intense that the doctor was
obliged to give up his intended arrangement.

I knew I had ignited the torch, and I expected to suffer for it
afterwards; but I felt too thankful to my mistress for the timely aid she
rendered me to care much about that. She now took me to sleep in a room
adjoining her own. There I was an object of her especial care, though not
of her especial comfort, for she spent many a sleepless night to watch
over me. Sometimes I woke up, and found her bending over me. At other
times she whispered in my ear, as though it was her husband who was
speaking to me, and listened to hear what I would answer. If she startled
me, on such occasions, she would glide stealthily away; and the next
morning she would tell me I had been talking in my sleep, and ask who I
was talking to. At last, I began to be fearful for my life. It had been
often threatened; and you can imagine, better than I can describe, what an
unpleasant sensation it must produce to wake up in the dead of night and
find a jealous woman bending over you. Terrible as this experience was, I
had fears that it would give place to one more terrible.

My mistress grew weary of her vigils; they did not prove satisfactory. She
changed her tactics. She now tried the trick of accusing my master of
crime, in my presence, and gave my name as the author of the accusation.
To my utter astonishment, he replied, “I don’t believe it; but if she did
acknowledge it, you tortured her into exposing me.” Tortured into exposing
him! Truly, Satan had no difficulty in distinguishing the color of his
soul! I understood his object in making this false representation. It was
to show me that I gained nothing by seeking the protection of my mistress;
that the power was still all in his own hands. I pitied Mrs. Flint. She
was a second wife, many years the junior of her husband; and the
hoary-headed miscreant was enough to try the patience of a wiser and
better woman. She was completely foiled, and knew not how to proceed. She
would gladly have had me flogged for my supposed false oath; but, as I
have already stated, the doctor never allowed any one to whip me. The old
sinner was politic. The application of the lash might have led to remarks
that would have exposed him in the eyes of his children and grandchildren.
How often did I rejoice that I lived in a town where all the inhabitants
knew each other! If I had been on a remote plantation, or lost among the
multitude of a crowded city, I should not be a living woman at this day.

The secrets of slavery are concealed like those of the Inquisition. My
master was, to my knowledge, the father of eleven slaves. But did the
mothers dare to tell who was the father of their children? Did the other
slaves dare to allude to it, except in whispers among themselves? No,
indeed! They knew too well the terrible consequences.

My grandmother could not avoid seeing things which excited her suspicions.
She was uneasy about me, and tried various ways to buy me; but the
never-changing answer was always repeated: “Linda does not belong to me.
She is my daughter’s property, and I have no legal right to sell her.” The
conscientious man! He was too scrupulous to sell me; but he had no
scruples whatever about committing a much greater wrong against the
helpless young girl placed under his guardianship, as his daughter’s
property. Sometimes my persecutor would ask me whether I would like to be
sold. I told him I would rather be sold to any body than to lead such a
life as I did. On such occasions he would assume the air of a very injured
individual, and reproach me for my ingratitude. “Did I not take you into
the house, and make you the companion of my own children?” he would say.
“Have I ever treated you like a negro? I have never allowed you to
be punished, not even to please your mistress. And this is the recompense
I get, you ungrateful girl!” I answered that he had reasons of his own for
screening me from punishment, and that the course he pursued made my
mistress hate me and persecute me. If I wept, he would say, “Poor child!
Don’t cry! don’t cry! I will make peace for you with your mistress. Only
let me arrange matters in my own way. Poor, foolish girl! you don’t know
what is for your own good. I would cherish you. I would make a lady of
you. Now go, and think of all I have promised you.”

I did think of it.

Reader, I draw no imaginary pictures of southern homes. I am telling you
the plain truth. Yet when victims make their escape from this wild beast of
Slavery, northerners consent to act the part of bloodhounds, and hunt the
poor fugitive back into his den, “full of dead men’s bones, and all
uncleanness.” Nay, more, they are not only willing, but proud, to give
their daughters in marriage to slaveholders. The poor girls have romantic
notions of a sunny clime, and of the flowering vines that all the year
round shade a happy home. To what disappointments are they destined! The
young wife soon learns that the husband in whose hands she has placed her
happiness pays no regard to his marriage vows. Children of every shade of
complexion play with her own fair babies, and too well she knows that they
are born unto him of his own household. Jealousy and hatred enter the
flowery home, and it is ravaged of its loveliness.

Southern women often marry a man knowing that he is the father of many
little slaves. They do not trouble themselves about it. They regard such
children as property, as marketable as the pigs on the plantation; and it
is seldom that they do not make them aware of this by passing them into
the slave-trader’s hands as soon as possible, and thus getting them out of
their sight. I am glad to say there are some honorable exceptions.

I have myself known two southern wives who exhorted their husbands to free
those slaves towards whom they stood in a “parental relation;” and their
request was granted. These husbands blushed before the superior nobleness
of their wives’ natures. Though they had only counselled them to do that
which it was their duty to do, it commanded their respect, and rendered
their conduct more exemplary. Concealment was at an end, and confidence
took the place of distrust.

Though this bad institution deadens the moral sense, even in white women,
to a fearful extent, it is not altogether extinct. I have heard southern
ladies say of Mr. Such a one, “He not only thinks it no disgrace to be the
father of those little niggers, but he is not ashamed to call himself
their master. I declare, such things ought not to be tolerated in any
decent society!”

VII. The Lover.

Why does the slave ever love? Why allow the tendrils of the heart to twine
around objects which may at any moment be wrenched away by the hand of
violence? When separations come by the hand of death, the pious soul can
bow in resignation, and say, “Not my will, but thine be done, O Lord!” But
when the ruthless hand of man strikes the blow, regardless of the misery
he causes, it is hard to be submissive. I did not reason thus when I was a
young girl. Youth will be youth. I loved, and I indulged the hope that the
dark clouds around me would turn out a bright lining. I forgot that in the
land of my birth the shadows are too dense for light to penetrate. A land

“Where laughter is not mirth; nor thought the mind;
Nor words a language; nor e’en men mankind.
Where cries reply to curses, shrieks to blows,
And each is tortured in his separate hell.”

There was in the neighborhood a young colored carpenter; a free-born man.
We had been well acquainted in childhood, and frequently met together
afterwards. We became mutually attached, and he proposed to marry me. I
loved him with all the ardor of a young girl’s first love. But when I
reflected that I was a slave, and that the laws gave no sanction to the
marriage of such, my heart sank within me. My lover wanted to buy me; but
I knew that Dr. Flint was too wilful and arbitrary a man to consent to
that arrangement. From him, I was sure of experiencing all sorts of
opposition, and I had nothing to hope from my mistress. She would have
been delighted to have got rid of me, but not in that way. It would have
relieved her mind of a burden if she could have seen me sold to some
distant state, but if I was married near home I should be just as much in
her husband’s power as I had previously been,—for the husband of a
slave has no power to protect her. Moreover, my mistress, like many
others, seemed to think that slaves had no right to any family ties of
their own; that they were created merely to wait upon the family of the
mistress. I once heard her abuse a young slave girl, who told her that a
colored man wanted to make her his wife. “I will have you peeled and
pickled, my lady,” said she, “if I ever hear you mention that subject
again. Do you suppose that I will have you tending my children with
the children of that nigger?” The girl to whom she said this had a mulatto
child, of course not acknowledged by its father. The poor black man who
loved her would have been proud to acknowledge his helpless offspring.

Many and anxious were the thoughts I revolved in my mind. I was at a loss
what to do. Above all things, I was desirous to spare my lover the insults
that had cut so deeply into my own soul. I talked with my grandmother
about it, and partly told her my fears. I did not dare to tell her the
worst. She had long suspected all was not right, and if I confirmed her
suspicions I knew a storm would rise that would prove the overthrow of all
my hopes.

This love-dream had been my support through many trials; and I could not
bear to run the risk of having it suddenly dissipated. There was a lady in
the neighborhood, a particular friend of Dr. Flint’s, who often visited
the house. I had a great respect for her, and she had always manifested a
friendly interest in me. Grandmother thought she would have great
influence with the doctor. I went to this lady, and told her my story. I
told her I was aware that my lover’s being a free-born man would prove a
great objection; but he wanted to buy me; and if Dr. Flint would consent
to that arrangement, I felt sure he would be willing to pay any reasonable
price. She knew that Mrs. Flint disliked me; therefore, I ventured to
suggest that perhaps my mistress would approve of my being sold, as that
would rid her of me. The lady listened with kindly sympathy, and promised
to do her utmost to promote my wishes. She had an interview with the
doctor, and I believe she pleaded my cause earnestly; but it was all to no
purpose.

How I dreaded my master now! Every minute I expected to be summoned to his
presence; but the day passed, and I heard nothing from him. The next
morning, a message was brought to me: “Master wants you in his study.” I
found the door ajar, and I stood a moment gazing at the hateful man who
claimed a right to rule me, body and soul. I entered, and tried to appear
calm. I did not want him to know how my heart was bleeding. He looked
fixedly at me, with an expression which seemed to say, “I have half a mind
to kill you on the spot.” At last he broke the silence, and that was a
relief to both of us.

“So you want to be married, do you?” said he, “and to a free nigger.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well, I’ll soon convince you whether I am your master, or the nigger
fellow you honor so highly. If you must have a husband, you may
take up with one of my slaves.”

What a situation I should be in, as the wife of one of his slaves,
even if my heart had been interested!

I replied, “Don’t you suppose, sir, that a slave can have some preference
about marrying? Do you suppose that all men are alike to her?”

“Do you love this nigger?” said he, abruptly.

“Yes, sir.”

“How dare you tell me so!” he exclaimed, in great wrath. After a slight
pause, he added, “I supposed you thought more of yourself; that you felt
above the insults of such puppies.”

I replied, “If he is a puppy I am a puppy, for we are both of the negro
race. It is right and honorable for us to love each other. The man you
call a puppy never insulted me, sir; and he would not love me if he did
not believe me to be a virtuous woman.”

He sprang upon me like a tiger, and gave me a stunning blow. It was the
first time he had ever struck me; and fear did not enable me to control my
anger. When I had recovered a little from the effects, I exclaimed, “You
have struck me for answering you honestly. How I despise you!”

There was silence for some minutes. Perhaps he was deciding what should be
my punishment; or, perhaps, he wanted to give me time to reflect on what I
had said, and to whom I had said it. Finally, he asked, “Do you know what
you have said?”

“Yes, sir; but your treatment drove me to it.”

“Do you know that I have a right to do as I like with you,—that I
can kill you, if I please?”

“You have tried to kill me, and I wish you had; but you have no right to
do as you like with me.”

“Silence!” he exclaimed, in a thundering voice. “By heavens, girl, you
forget yourself too far! Are you mad? If you are, I will soon bring you to
your senses. Do you think any other master would bear what I have borne
from you this morning? Many masters would have killed you on the spot. How
would you like to be sent to jail for your insolence?”

“I know I have been disrespectful, sir,” I replied; “but you drove me to
it; I couldn’t help it. As for the jail, there would be more peace for me
there than there is here.”

“You deserve to go there,” said he, “and to be under such treatment, that
you would forget the meaning of the word peace. It would do you
good. It would take some of your high notions out of you. But I am not
ready to send you there yet, notwithstanding your ingratitude for all my
kindness and forbearance. You have been the plague of my life. I have
wanted to make you happy, and I have been repaid with the basest
ingratitude; but though you have proved yourself incapable of appreciating
my kindness, I will be lenient towards you, Linda. I will give you one
more chance to redeem your character. If you behave yourself and do as I
require, I will forgive you and treat you as I always have done; but if
you disobey me, I will punish you as I would the meanest slave on my
plantation. Never let me hear that fellow’s name mentioned again. If I
ever know of your speaking to him, I will cowhide you both; and if I catch
him lurking about my premises, I will shoot him as soon as I would a dog.
Do you hear what I say? I’ll teach you a lesson about marriage and free
niggers! Now go, and let this be the last time I have occasion to speak to
you on this subject.”

Reader, did you ever hate? I hope not. I never did but once; and I trust I
never shall again. Somebody has called it “the atmosphere of hell;” and I
believe it is so.

For a fortnight the doctor did not speak to me. He thought to mortify me;
to make me feel that I had disgraced myself by receiving the honorable
addresses of a respectable colored man, in preference to the base
proposals of a white man. But though his lips disdained to address me, his
eyes were very loquacious. No animal ever watched its prey more narrowly
than he watched me. He knew that I could write, though he had failed to
make me read his letters; and he was now troubled lest I should exchange
letters with another man. After a while he became weary of silence; and I
was sorry for it. One morning, as he passed through the hall, to leave the
house, he contrived to thrust a note into my hand. I thought I had better
read it, and spare myself the vexation of having him read it to me. It
expressed regret for the blow he had given me, and reminded me that I
myself was wholly to blame for it. He hoped I had become convinced of the
injury I was doing myself by incurring his displeasure. He wrote that he
had made up his mind to go to Louisiana; that he should take several
slaves with him, and intended I should be one of the number. My mistress
would remain where she was; therefore I should have nothing to fear from
that quarter. If I merited kindness from him, he assured me that it would
be lavishly bestowed. He begged me to think over the matter, and answer
the following day.

The next morning I was called to carry a pair of scissors to his room. I
laid them on the table, with the letter beside them. He thought it was my
answer, and did not call me back. I went as usual to attend my young
mistress to and from school. He met me in the street, and ordered me to
stop at his office on my way back. When I entered, he showed me his
letter, and asked me why I had not answered it. I replied, “I am your
daughter’s property, and it is in your power to send me, or take me,
wherever you please.” He said he was very glad to find me so willing to
go, and that we should start early in the autumn. He had a large practice
in the town, and I rather thought he had made up the story merely to
frighten me. However that might be, I was determined that I would never go
to Louisiana with him.

Summer passed away, and early in the autumn Dr. Flint’s eldest son was
sent to Louisiana to examine the country, with a view to emigrating. That
news did not disturb me. I knew very well that I should not be sent with
him. That I had not been taken to the plantation before this time,
was owing to the fact that his son was there. He was jealous of his son;
and jealousy of the overseer had kept him from punishing me by sending me
into the fields to work. Is it strange that I was not proud of these
protectors? As for the overseer, he was a man for whom I had less respect
than I had for a bloodhound.

Young Mr. Flint did not bring back a favorable report of Louisiana, and I
heard no more of that scheme. Soon after this, my lover met me at the
corner of the street, and I stopped to speak to him. Looking up, I saw my
master watching us from his window. I hurried home, trembling with fear. I
was sent for, immediately, to go to his room. He met me with a blow. “When
is mistress to be married?” said he, in a sneering tone. A shower of oaths
and imprecations followed. How thankful I was that my lover was a free
man! that my tyrant had no power to flog him for speaking to me in the
street!

Again and again I revolved in my mind how all this would end. There was no
hope that the doctor would consent to sell me on any terms. He had an iron
will, and was determined to keep me, and to conquer me. My lover was an
intelligent and religious man. Even if he could have obtained permission
to marry me while I was a slave, the marriage would give him no power to
protect me from my master. It would have made him miserable to witness the
insults I should have been subjected to. And then, if we had children, I
knew they must “follow the condition of the mother.” What a terrible
blight that would be on the heart of a free, intelligent father! For his
sake, I felt that I ought not to link his fate with my own unhappy
destiny. He was going to Savannah to see about a little property left him
by an uncle; and hard as it was to bring my feelings to it, I earnestly
entreated him not to come back. I advised him to go to the Free States,
where his tongue would not be tied, and where his intelligence would be of
more avail to him. He left me, still hoping the day would come when I
could be bought. With me the lamp of hope had gone out. The dream of my
girlhood was over. I felt lonely and desolate.

Still I was not stripped of all. I still had my good grandmother, and my
affectionate brother. When he put his arms round my neck, and looked into
my eyes, as if to read there the troubles I dared not tell, I felt that I
still had something to love. But even that pleasant emotion was chilled by
the reflection that he might be torn from me at any moment, by some sudden
freak of my master. If he had known how we loved each other, I think he
would have exulted in separating us. We often planned together how we
could get to the north. But, as William remarked, such things are easier
said than done. My movements were very closely watched, and we had no
means of getting any money to defray our expenses. As for grandmother, she
was strongly opposed to her children’s undertaking any such project. She
had not forgotten poor Benjamin’s sufferings, and she was afraid that if
another child tried to escape, he would have a similar or a worse fate. To
me, nothing seemed more dreadful than my present life. I said to myself,
“William must be free. He shall go to the north, and I will follow
him.” Many a slave sister has formed the same plans.

VIII. What Slaves Are Taught To Think Of The North.

Slaveholders pride themselves upon being honorable men; but if you were to
hear the enormous lies they tell their slaves, you would have small
respect for their veracity. I have spoken plain English. Pardon me. I
cannot use a milder term. When they visit the north, and return home, they
tell their slaves of the runaways they have seen, and describe them to be
in the most deplorable condition. A slaveholder once told me that he had
seen a runaway friend of mine in New York, and that she besought him to
take her back to her master, for she was literally dying of starvation;
that many days she had only one cold potato to eat, and at other times
could get nothing at all. He said he refused to take her, because he knew
her master would not thank him for bringing such a miserable wretch to his
house. He ended by saying to me, “This is the punishment she brought on
herself for running away from a kind master.”

This whole story was false. I afterwards staid with that friend in New
York, and found her in comfortable circumstances. She had never thought of
such a thing as wishing to go back to slavery. Many of the slaves believe
such stories, and think it is not worth while to exchange slavery for such
a hard kind of freedom. It is difficult to persuade such that freedom
could make them useful men, and enable them to protect their wives and
children. If those heathen in our Christian land had as much teaching as
some Hindoos, they would think otherwise. They would know that liberty is
more valuable than life. They would begin to understand their own
capabilities, and exert themselves to become men and women.

But while the Free States sustain a law which hurls fugitives back into
slavery, how can the slaves resolve to become men? There are some who
strive to protect wives and daughters from the insults of their masters;
but those who have such sentiments have had advantages above the general
mass of slaves. They have been partially civilized and Christianized by
favorable circumstances. Some are bold enough to utter such
sentiments to their masters. O, that there were more of them!

Some poor creatures have been so brutalized by the lash that they will
sneak out of the way to give their masters free access to their wives and
daughters. Do you think this proves the black man to belong to an inferior
order of beings? What would you be, if you had been born and
brought up a slave, with generations of slaves for ancestors? I admit that
the black man is inferior. But what is it that makes him so? It is
the ignorance in which white men compel him to live; it is the torturing
whip that lashes manhood out of him; it is the fierce bloodhounds of the
South, and the scarcely less cruel human bloodhounds of the north, who
enforce the Fugitive Slave Law. They do the work.

Southern gentlemen indulge in the most contemptuous expressions about the
Yankees, while they, on their part, consent to do the vilest work for
them, such as the ferocious bloodhounds and the despised negro-hunters are
employed to do at home. When southerners go to the north, they are proud
to do them honor; but the northern man is not welcome south of Mason and
Dixon’s line, unless he suppresses every thought and feeling at variance
with their “peculiar institution.” Nor is it enough to be silent. The
masters are not pleased, unless they obtain a greater degree of
subservience than that; and they are generally accommodated. Do they
respect the northerner for this? I trow not. Even the slaves despise “a
northern man with southern principles;” and that is the class they
generally see. When northerners go to the south to reside, they prove very
apt scholars. They soon imbibe the sentiments and disposition of their
neighbors, and generally go beyond their teachers. Of the two, they are
proverbially the hardest masters.

They seem to satisfy their consciences with the doctrine that God created
the Africans to be slaves. What a libel upon the heavenly Father, who
“made of one blood all nations of men!” And then who are Africans?
Who can measure the amount of Anglo-Saxon blood coursing in the veins of
American slaves?

I have spoken of the pains slaveholders take to give their slaves a bad
opinion of the north; but, notwithstanding this, intelligent slaves are
aware that they have many friends in the Free States. Even the most
ignorant have some confused notions about it. They knew that I could read;
and I was often asked if I had seen any thing in the newspapers about
white folks over in the big north, who were trying to get their freedom
for them. Some believe that the abolitionists have already made them free,
and that it is established by law, but that their masters prevent the law
from going into effect. One woman begged me to get a newspaper and read it
over. She said her husband told her that the black people had sent word to
the queen of ’Merica that they were all slaves; that she didn’t believe
it, and went to Washington city to see the president about it. They
quarrelled; she drew her sword upon him, and swore that he should help her
to make them all free.

That poor, ignorant woman thought that America was governed by a Queen, to
whom the President was subordinate. I wish the President was subordinate
to Queen Justice.

IX. Sketches Of Neighboring Slaveholders.

There was a planter in the country, not far from us, whom I will call Mr.
Litch. He was an ill-bred, uneducated man, but very wealthy. He had six
hundred slaves, many of whom he did not know by sight. His extensive
plantation was managed by well-paid overseers. There was a jail and a
whipping post on his grounds; and whatever cruelties were perpetrated
there, they passed without comment. He was so effectually screened by his
great wealth that he was called to no account for his crimes, not even for
murder.

Various were the punishments resorted to. A favorite one was to tie a rope
round a man’s body, and suspend him from the ground. A fire was kindled
over him, from which was suspended a piece of fat pork. As this cooked,
the scalding drops of fat continually fell on the bare flesh. On his own
plantation, he required very strict obedience to the eighth commandment.
But depredations on the neighbors were allowable, provided the culprit
managed to evade detection or suspicion. If a neighbor brought a charge of
theft against any of his slaves, he was browbeaten by the master, who
assured him that his slaves had enough of every thing at home, and had no
inducement to steal. No sooner was the neighbor’s back turned, than the
accused was sought out, and whipped for his lack of discretion. If a slave
stole from him even a pound of meat or a peck of corn, if detection
followed, he was put in chains and imprisoned, and so kept till his form
was attenuated by hunger and suffering.

A freshet once bore his wine cellar and meat house miles away from the
plantation. Some slaves followed, and secured bits of meat and bottles of
wine. Two were detected; a ham and some liquor being found in their huts.
They were summoned by their master. No words were used, but a club felled
them to the ground. A rough box was their coffin, and their interment was
a dog’s burial. Nothing was said.

Murder was so common on his plantation that he feared to be alone after
nightfall. He might have believed in ghosts.

His brother, if not equal in wealth, was at least equal in cruelty. His
bloodhounds were well trained. Their pen was spacious, and a terror to the
slaves. They were let loose on a runaway, and, if they tracked him, they
literally tore the flesh from his bones. When this slaveholder died, his
shrieks and groans were so frightful that they appalled his own friends.
His last words were, “I am going to hell; bury my money with me.”

After death his eyes remained open. To press the lids down, silver dollars
were laid on them. These were buried with him. From this circumstance, a
rumor went abroad that his coffin was filled with money. Three times his
grave was opened, and his coffin taken out. The last time, his body was
found on the ground, and a flock of buzzards were pecking at it. He was
again interred, and a sentinel set over his grave. The perpetrators were
never discovered.

Cruelty is contagious in uncivilized communities. Mr. Conant, a neighbor
of Mr. Litch, returned from town one evening in a partial state of
intoxication. His body servant gave him some offence. He was divested of
his clothes, except his shirt, whipped, and tied to a large tree in front
of the house. It was a stormy night in winter. The wind blew bitterly
cold, and the boughs of the old tree crackled under falling sleet. A
member of the family, fearing he would freeze to death, begged that he
might be taken down; but the master would not relent. He remained there
three hours; and, when he was cut down, he was more dead than alive.
Another slave, who stole a pig from this master, to appease his hunger,
was terribly flogged. In desperation, he tried to run away. But at the end
of two miles, he was so faint with loss of blood, he thought he was dying.
He had a wife, and he longed to see her once more. Too sick to walk, he
crept back that long distance on his hands and knees. When he reached his
master’s, it was night. He had not strength to rise and open the gate. He
moaned, and tried to call for help. I had a friend living in the same
family. At last his cry reached her. She went out and found the prostrate
man at the gate. She ran back to the house for assistance, and two men
returned with her. They carried him in, and laid him on the floor. The
back of his shirt was one clot of blood. By means of lard, my friend
loosened it from the raw flesh. She bandaged him, gave him cool drink, and
left him to rest. The master said he deserved a hundred more lashes. When
his own labor was stolen from him, he had stolen food to appease his
hunger. This was his crime.

Another neighbor was a Mrs. Wade. At no hour of the day was there
cessation of the lash on her premises. Her labors began with the dawn, and
did not cease till long after nightfall. The barn was her particular place
of torture. There she lashed the slaves with the might of a man. An old
slave of hers once said to me, “It is hell in missis’s house. ’Pears I can
never get out. Day and night I prays to die.”

The mistress died before the old woman, and, when dying, entreated her
husband not to permit any one of her slaves to look on her after death. A
slave who had nursed her children, and had still a child in her care,
watched her chance, and stole with it in her arms to the room where lay
her dead mistress. She gazed a while on her, then raised her hand and
dealt two blows on her face, saying, as she did so, “The devil is got you
now!” She forgot that the child was looking on. She had just begun
to talk; and she said to her father, “I did see ma, and mammy did strike
ma, so,” striking her own face with her little hand. The master was
startled. He could not imagine how the nurse could obtain access to the
room where the corpse lay; for he kept the door locked. He questioned her.
She confessed that what the child had said was true, and told how she had
procured the key. She was sold to Georgia.

In my childhood I knew a valuable slave, named Charity, and loved her, as
all children did. Her young mistress married, and took her to Louisiana.
Her little boy, James, was sold to a good sort of master. He became
involved in debt, and James was sold again to a wealthy slaveholder, noted
for his cruelty. With this man he grew up to manhood, receiving the
treatment of a dog. After a severe whipping, to save himself from further
infliction of the lash, with which he was threatened, he took to the
woods. He was in a most miserable condition—cut by the cowskin, half
naked, half starved, and without the means of procuring a crust of bread.

Some weeks after his escape, he was captured, tied, and carried back to
his master’s plantation. This man considered punishment in his jail, on
bread and water, after receiving hundreds of lashes, too mild for the poor
slave’s offence. Therefore he decided, after the overseer should have
whipped him to his satisfaction, to have him placed between the screws of
the cotton gin, to stay as long as he had been in the woods. This wretched
creature was cut with the whip from his head to his feet, then washed with
strong brine, to prevent the flesh from mortifying, and make it heal
sooner than it otherwise would. He was then put into the cotton gin, which
was screwed down, only allowing him room to turn on his side when he could
not lie on his back. Every morning a slave was sent with a piece of bread
and bowl of water, which were placed within reach of the poor fellow. The
slave was charged, under penalty of severe punishment, not to speak to
him.

Four days passed, and the slave continued to carry the bread and water. On
the second morning, he found the bread gone, but the water untouched. When
he had been in the press four days and five nights, the slave informed his
master that the water had not been used for four mornings, and that
a horrible stench came from the gin house. The overseer was sent to examine
into it. When the press was unscrewed, the dead body was found partly
eaten by rats and vermin. Perhaps the rats that devoured his bread had
gnawed him before life was extinct. Poor Charity! Grandmother and I often
asked each other how her affectionate heart would bear the news, if she
should ever hear of the murder of her son. We had known her husband, and
knew that James was like him in manliness and intelligence. These were the
qualities that made it so hard for him to be a plantation slave. They put
him into a rough box, and buried him with less feeling than would have
been manifested for an old house dog. Nobody asked any questions. He was a
slave; and the feeling was that the master had a right to do what he
pleased with his own property. And what did he care for the value
of a slave? He had hundreds of them. When they had finished their daily
toil, they must hurry to eat their little morsels, and be ready to
extinguish their pine knots before nine o’clock, when the overseer went
his patrol rounds. He entered every cabin, to see that men and their wives
had gone to bed together, lest the men, from over-fatigue, should fall
asleep in the chimney corner, and remain there till the morning horn
called them to their daily task. Women are considered of no value, unless
they continually increase their owner’s stock. They are put on a par with
animals. This same master shot a woman through the head, who had run away
and been brought back to him. No one called him to account for it. If a
slave resisted being whipped, the bloodhounds were unpacked, and set upon
him, to tear his flesh from his bones. The master who did these things was
highly educated, and styled a perfect gentleman. He also boasted the name
and standing of a Christian, though Satan never had a truer follower.

I could tell of more slaveholders as cruel as those I have described. They
are not exceptions to the general rule. I do not say there are no humane
slaveholders. Such characters do exist, notwithstanding the hardening
influences around them. But they are “like angels’ visits—few and
far between.”

I knew a young lady who was one of these rare specimens. She was an
orphan, and inherited as slaves a woman and her six children. Their father
was a free man. They had a comfortable home of their own, parents and
children living together. The mother and eldest daughter served their
mistress during the day, and at night returned to their dwelling, which
was on the premises. The young lady was very pious, and there was some
reality in her religion. She taught her slaves to lead pure lives, and
wished them to enjoy the fruit of their own industry. Her religion
was not a garb put on for Sunday, and laid aside till Sunday returned
again. The eldest daughter of the slave mother was promised in marriage to
a free man; and the day before the wedding this good mistress emancipated
her, in order that her marriage might have the sanction of law.

Report said that this young lady cherished an unrequited affection for a
man who had resolved to marry for wealth. In the course of time a rich
uncle of hers died. He left six thousand dollars to his two sons by a
colored woman, and the remainder of his property to this orphan niece. The
metal soon attracted the magnet. The lady and her weighty purse became
his. She offered to manumit her slaves—telling them that her
marriage might make unexpected changes in their destiny, and she wished to
insure their happiness. They refused to take their freedom, saying that
she had always been their best friend, and they could not be so happy any
where as with her. I was not surprised. I had often seen them in their
comfortable home, and thought that the whole town did not contain a
happier family. They had never felt slavery; and, when it was too late,
they were convinced of its reality.

When the new master claimed this family as his property, the father became
furious, and went to his mistress for protection. “I can do nothing for
you now, Harry,” said she. “I no longer have the power I had a week ago. I
have succeeded in obtaining the freedom of your wife; but I cannot obtain
it for your children.” The unhappy father swore that nobody should take
his children from him. He concealed them in the woods for some days; but
they were discovered and taken. The father was put in jail, and the two
oldest boys sold to Georgia. One little girl, too young to be of service
to her master, was left with the wretched mother. The other three were
carried to their master’s plantation. The eldest soon became a mother, and,
when the slaveholder’s wife looked at the babe, she wept bitterly. She
knew that her own husband had violated the purity she had so carefully
inculcated. She had a second child by her master, and then he sold her and
his offspring to his brother. She bore two children to the brother, and was
sold again. The next sister went crazy. The life she was compelled to lead
drove her mad. The third one became the mother of five daughters. Before
the birth of the fourth the pious mistress died. To the last, she rendered
every kindness to the slaves that her unfortunate circumstances permitted.
She passed away peacefully, glad to close her eyes on a life which had
been made so wretched by the man she loved.

This man squandered the fortune he had received, and sought to retrieve
his affairs by a second marriage; but, having retired after a night of
drunken debauch, he was found dead in the morning. He was called a good
master; for he fed and clothed his slaves better than most masters, and
the lash was not heard on his plantation so frequently as on many others.
Had it not been for slavery, he would have been a better man, and his wife
a happier woman.

No pen can give an adequate description of the all-pervading corruption
produced by slavery. The slave girl is reared in an atmosphere of
licentiousness and fear. The lash and the foul talk of her master and his
sons are her teachers. When she is fourteen or fifteen, her owner, or his
sons, or the overseer, or perhaps all of them, begin to bribe her with
presents. If these fail to accomplish their purpose, she is whipped or
starved into submission to their will. She may have had religious
principles inculcated by some pious mother or grandmother, or some good
mistress; she may have a lover, whose good opinion and peace of mind are
dear to her heart; or the profligate men who have power over her may be
exceedingly odious to her. But resistance is hopeless.

“The poor worm
Shall prove her contest vain. Life’s little day
Shall pass, and she is gone!”

The slaveholder’s sons are, of course, vitiated, even while boys, by the
unclean influences every where around them. Nor do the master’s daughters
always escape. Severe retributions sometimes come upon him for the wrongs
he does to the daughters of the slaves. The white daughters early hear
their parents quarrelling about some female slave. Their curiosity is
excited, and they soon learn the cause. They are attended by the young
slave girls whom their father has corrupted; and they hear such talk as
should never meet youthful ears, or any other ears. They know that the
women slaves are subject to their father’s authority in all things; and in
some cases they exercise the same authority over the men slaves. I have
myself seen the master of such a household whose head was bowed down in
shame; for it was known in the neighborhood that his daughter had selected
one of the meanest slaves on his plantation to be the father of his first
grandchild. She did not make her advances to her equals, nor even to her
father’s more intelligent servants. She selected the most brutalized, over
whom her authority could be exercised with less fear of exposure. Her
father, half frantic with rage, sought to revenge himself on the offending
black man; but his daughter, foreseeing the storm that would arise, had
given him free papers, and sent him out of the state.

In such cases the infant is smothered, or sent where it is never seen by
any who know its history. But if the white parent is the father,
instead of the mother, the offspring are unblushingly reared for the
market. If they are girls, I have indicated plainly enough what will be
their inevitable destiny.

You may believe what I say; for I write only that whereof I know. I was
twenty-one years in that cage of obscene birds. I can testify, from my own
experience and observation, that slavery is a curse to the whites as well
as to the blacks. It makes the white fathers cruel and sensual; the sons
violent and licentious; it contaminates the daughters, and makes the wives
wretched. And as for the colored race, it needs an abler pen than mine to
describe the extremity of their sufferings, the depth of their
degradation.

Yet few slaveholders seem to be aware of the widespread moral ruin
occasioned by this wicked system. Their talk is of blighted cotton crops—not
of the blight on their children’s souls.

If you want to be fully convinced of the abominations of slavery, go on a
southern plantation, and call yourself a negro trader. Then there will be
no concealment; and you will see and hear things that will seem to you
impossible among human beings with immortal souls.

X. A Perilous Passage In The Slave Girl’s Life.

After my lover went away, Dr. Flint contrived a new plan. He seemed to
have an idea that my fear of my mistress was his greatest obstacle. In the
blandest tones, he told me that he was going to build a small house for
me, in a secluded place, four miles away from the town. I shuddered; but I
was constrained to listen, while he talked of his intention to give me a
home of my own, and to make a lady of me. Hitherto, I had escaped my
dreaded fate, by being in the midst of people. My grandmother had already
had high words with my master about me. She had told him pretty plainly
what she thought of his character, and there was considerable gossip in
the neighborhood about our affairs, to which the open-mouthed jealousy of
Mrs. Flint contributed not a little. When my master said he was going to
build a house for me, and that he could do it with little trouble and
expense, I was in hopes something would happen to frustrate his scheme;
but I soon heard that the house was actually begun. I vowed before my
Maker that I would never enter it. I had rather toil on the plantation
from dawn till dark; I had rather live and die in jail, than drag on, from
day to day, through such a living death. I was determined that the master,
whom I so hated and loathed, who had blighted the prospects of my youth,
and made my life a desert, should not, after my long struggle with him,
succeed at last in trampling his victim under his feet. I would do any
thing, every thing, for the sake of defeating him. What could I do?
I thought and thought, till I became desperate, and made a plunge into the
abyss.

And now, reader, I come to a period in my unhappy life, which I would
gladly forget if I could. The remembrance fills me with sorrow and shame.
It pains me to tell you of it; but I have promised to tell you the truth,
and I will do it honestly, let it cost me what it may. I will not try to
screen myself behind the plea of compulsion from a master; for it was not
so. Neither can I plead ignorance or thoughtlessness. For years, my master
had done his utmost to pollute my mind with foul images, and to destroy
the pure principles inculcated by my grandmother, and the good mistress of
my childhood. The influences of slavery had had the same effect on me that
they had on other young girls; they had made me prematurely knowing,
concerning the evil ways of the world. I knew what I did, and I did it
with deliberate calculation.

But, O, ye happy women, whose purity has been sheltered from childhood,
who have been free to choose the objects of your affection, whose homes
are protected by law, do not judge the poor desolate slave girl too
severely! If slavery had been abolished, I, also, could have married the
man of my choice; I could have had a home shielded by the laws; and I
should have been spared the painful task of confessing what I am now about
to relate; but all my prospects had been blighted by slavery. I wanted to
keep myself pure; and, under the most adverse circumstances, I tried hard
to preserve my self-respect; but I was struggling alone in the powerful
grasp of the demon Slavery; and the monster proved too strong for me. I
felt as if I was forsaken by God and man; as if all my efforts must be
frustrated; and I became reckless in my despair.

I have told you that Dr. Flint’s persecutions and his wife’s jealousy had
given rise to some gossip in the neighborhood. Among others, it chanced
that a white unmarried gentleman had obtained some knowledge of the
circumstances in which I was placed. He knew my grandmother, and often
spoke to me in the street. He became interested for me, and asked
questions about my master, which I answered in part. He expressed a great
deal of sympathy, and a wish to aid me. He constantly sought opportunities
to see me, and wrote to me frequently. I was a poor slave girl, only
fifteen years old.

So much attention from a superior person was, of course, flattering; for
human nature is the same in all. I also felt grateful for his sympathy,
and encouraged by his kind words. It seemed to me a great thing to have
such a friend. By degrees, a more tender feeling crept into my heart. He
was an educated and eloquent gentleman; too eloquent, alas, for the poor
slave girl who trusted in him. Of course I saw whither all this was
tending. I knew the impassable gulf between us; but to be an object of
interest to a man who is not married, and who is not her master, is
agreeable to the pride and feelings of a slave, if her miserable situation
has left her any pride or sentiment. It seems less degrading to give one’s
self, than to submit to compulsion. There is something akin to freedom in
having a lover who has no control over you, except that which he gains by
kindness and attachment. A master may treat you as rudely as he pleases,
and you dare not speak; moreover, the wrong does not seem so great with an
unmarried man, as with one who has a wife to be made unhappy. There may be
sophistry in all this; but the condition of a slave confuses all
principles of morality, and, in fact, renders the practice of them
impossible.

When I found that my master had actually begun to build the lonely
cottage, other feelings mixed with those I have described. Revenge, and
calculations of interest, were added to flattered vanity and sincere
gratitude for kindness. I knew nothing would enrage Dr. Flint so much as
to know that I favored another; and it was something to triumph over my
tyrant even in that small way. I thought he would revenge himself by
selling me, and I was sure my friend, Mr. Sands, would buy me. He was a
man of more generosity and feeling than my master, and I thought my
freedom could be easily obtained from him. The crisis of my fate now came
so near that I was desperate. I shuddered to think of being the mother of
children that should be owned by my old tyrant. I knew that as soon as a
new fancy took him, his victims were sold far off to get rid of them;
especially if they had children. I had seen several women sold, with
his babies at the breast. He never allowed his offspring by slaves to remain
long in sight of himself and his wife. Of a man who was not my master I
could ask to have my children well supported; and in this case, I felt
confident I should obtain the boon. I also felt quite sure that they would
be made free. With all these thoughts revolving in my mind, and seeing no
other way of escaping the doom I so much dreaded, I made a headlong
plunge. Pity me, and pardon me, O virtuous reader! You never knew what it
is to be a slave; to be entirely unprotected by law or custom; to have the
laws reduce you to the condition of a chattel, entirely subject to the
will of another. You never exhausted your ingenuity in avoiding the
snares, and eluding the power of a hated tyrant; you never shuddered at
the sound of his footsteps, and trembled within hearing of his voice. I
know I did wrong. No one can feel it more sensibly than I do. The painful
and humiliating memory will haunt me to my dying day. Still, in looking
back, calmly, on the events of my life, I feel that the slave woman ought
not to be judged by the same standard as others.

The months passed on. I had many unhappy hours. I secretly mourned over
the sorrow I was bringing on my grandmother, who had so tried to shield me
from harm. I knew that I was the greatest comfort of her old age, and that
it was a source of pride to her that I had not degraded myself, like most
of the slaves. I wanted to confess to her that I was no longer worthy of
her love; but I could not utter the dreaded words.

As for Dr. Flint, I had a feeling of satisfaction and triumph in the
thought of telling him. From time to time he told me of his
intended arrangements, and I was silent. At last, he came and told me the
cottage was completed, and ordered me to go to it. I told him I would
never enter it. He said, “I have heard enough of such talk as that. You
shall go, if you are carried by force; and you shall remain there.”

I replied, “I will never go there. In a few months I shall be a mother.”

He stood and looked at me in dumb amazement, and left the house without a
word. I thought I should be happy in my triumph over him. But now that the
truth was out, and my relatives would hear of it, I felt wretched. Humble
as were their circumstances, they had pride in my good character. Now, how
could I look them in the face? My self-respect was gone! I had resolved
that I would be virtuous, though I was a slave. I had said, “Let the storm
beat! I will brave it till I die.” And now, how humiliated I felt!

I went to my grandmother. My lips moved to make confession, but the words
stuck in my throat. I sat down in the shade of a tree at her door and
began to sew. I think she saw something unusual was the matter with me.
The mother of slaves is very watchful. She knows there is no security for
her children. After they have entered their teens she lives in daily
expectation of trouble. This leads to many questions. If the girl is of a
sensitive nature, timidity keeps her from answering truthfully, and this
well-meant course has a tendency to drive her from maternal counsels.
Presently, in came my mistress, like a mad woman, and accused me
concerning her husband. My grandmother, whose suspicions had been
previously awakened, believed what she said. She exclaimed, “O Linda! has
it come to this? I had rather see you dead than to see you as you now are.
You are a disgrace to your dead mother.” She tore from my fingers my
mother’s wedding ring and her silver thimble. “Go away!” she exclaimed,
“and never come to my house, again.” Her reproaches fell so hot and heavy,
that they left me no chance to answer. Bitter tears, such as the eyes
never shed but once, were my only answer. I rose from my seat, but fell
back again, sobbing. She did not speak to me; but the tears were running
down her furrowed cheeks, and they scorched me like fire. She had always
been so kind to me! So kind! How I longed to throw myself at her
feet, and tell her all the truth! But she had ordered me to go, and never
to come there again. After a few minutes, I mustered strength, and started
to obey her. With what feelings did I now close that little gate, which I
used to open with such an eager hand in my childhood! It closed upon me
with a sound I never heard before.

Where could I go? I was afraid to return to my master’s. I walked on
recklessly, not caring where I went, or what would become of me. When I
had gone four or five miles, fatigue compelled me to stop. I sat down on
the stump of an old tree. The stars were shining through the boughs above
me. How they mocked me, with their bright, calm light! The hours passed
by, and as I sat there alone a chilliness and deadly sickness came over
me. I sank on the ground. My mind was full of horrid thoughts. I prayed to
die; but the prayer was not answered. At last, with great effort I roused
myself, and walked some distance further, to the house of a woman who had
been a friend of my mother. When I told her why I was there, she spoke
soothingly to me; but I could not be comforted. I thought I could bear my
shame if I could only be reconciled to my grandmother. I longed to open my
heart to her. I thought if she could know the real state of the case, and
all I had been bearing for years, she would perhaps judge me less harshly.
My friend advised me to send for her. I did so; but days of agonizing
suspense passed before she came. Had she utterly forsaken me? No. She came
at last. I knelt before her, and told her the things that had poisoned my
life; how long I had been persecuted; that I saw no way of escape; and in
an hour of extremity I had become desperate. She listened in silence. I
told her I would bear any thing and do any thing, if in time I had hopes
of obtaining her forgiveness. I begged of her to pity me, for my dead
mother’s sake. And she did pity me. She did not say, “I forgive you;” but
she looked at me lovingly, with her eyes full of tears. She laid her old
hand gently on my head, and murmured, “Poor child! Poor child!”

XI. The New Tie To Life.

I returned to my good grandmother’s house. She had an interview with Mr.
Sands. When she asked him why he could not have left her one ewe lamb,—whether
there were not plenty of slaves who did not care about character,—he
made no answer; but he spoke kind and encouraging words. He promised to
care for my child, and to buy me, be the conditions what they might.

I had not seen Dr. Flint for five days. I had never seen him since I made
the avowal to him. He talked of the disgrace I had brought on myself; how
I had sinned against my master, and mortified my old grandmother. He
intimated that if I had accepted his proposals, he, as a physician, could
have saved me from exposure. He even condescended to pity me. Could he
have offered wormwood more bitter? He, whose persecutions had been the
cause of my sin!

“Linda,” said he, “though you have been criminal towards me, I feel for
you, and I can pardon you if you obey my wishes. Tell me whether the
fellow you wanted to marry is the father of your child. If you deceive me,
you shall feel the fires of hell.”

I did not feel as proud as I had done. My strongest weapon with him was
gone. I was lowered in my own estimation, and had resolved to bear his
abuse in silence. But when he spoke contemptuously of the lover who had
always treated me honorably; when I remembered that but for him I
might have been a virtuous, free, and happy wife, I lost my patience. “I
have sinned against God and myself,” I replied; “but not against you.”

He clinched his teeth, and muttered, “Curse you!” He came towards me, with
ill-suppressed rage, and exclaimed, “You obstinate girl! I could grind
your bones to powder! You have thrown yourself away on some worthless
rascal. You are weak-minded, and have been easily persuaded by those who
don’t care a straw for you. The future will settle accounts between us.
You are blinded now; but hereafter you will be convinced that your master
was your best friend. My lenity towards you is a proof of it. I might have
punished you in many ways. I might have had you whipped till you fell dead under
the lash. But I wanted you to live; I would have bettered your condition.
Others cannot do it. You are my slave. Your mistress, disgusted by your
conduct, forbids you to return to the house; therefore I leave you here
for the present; but I shall see you often. I will call to-morrow.”

He came with frowning brows, that showed a dissatisfied state of mind.
After asking about my health, he inquired whether my board was paid, and
who visited me. He then went on to say that he had neglected his duty;
that as a physician there were certain things that he ought to have
explained to me. Then followed talk such as would have made the most
shameless blush. He ordered me to stand up before him. I obeyed. “I
command you,” said he, “to tell me whether the father of your child is
white or black.” I hesitated. “Answer me this instant!” he exclaimed. I
did answer. He sprang upon me like a wolf, and grabbed my arm as if he
would have broken it. “Do you love him?” said he, in a hissing tone.

“I am thankful that I do not despise him,” I replied.

He raised his hand to strike me; but it fell again. I don’t know what
arrested the blow. He sat down, with lips tightly compressed. At last he
spoke. “I came here,” said he, “to make you a friendly proposition; but
your ingratitude chafes me beyond endurance. You turn aside all my good
intentions towards you. I don’t know what it is that keeps me from killing
you.” Again he rose, as if he had a mind to strike me.

But he resumed. “On one condition I will forgive your insolence and crime.
You must henceforth have no communication of any kind with the father of
your child. You must not ask any thing from him, or receive any thing from
him. I will take care of you and your child. You had better promise this
at once, and not wait till you are deserted by him. This is the last act
of mercy I shall show towards you.”

I said something about being unwilling to have my child supported by a man
who had cursed it and me also. He rejoined, that a woman who had sunk to
my level had no right to expect any thing else. He asked, for the last
time, would I accept his kindness? I answered that I would not.

“Very well,” said he; “then take the consequences of your wayward course.
Never look to me for help. You are my slave, and shall always be my slave.
I will never sell you, that you may depend upon.”

Hope died away in my heart as he closed the door after him. I had
calculated that in his rage he would sell me to a slave-trader; and I knew
the father of my child was on the watch to buy me.

About this time my uncle Phillip was expected to return from a voyage. The
day before his departure I had officiated as bridesmaid to a young friend.
My heart was then ill at ease, but my smiling countenance did not betray
it. Only a year had passed; but what fearful changes it had wrought! My
heart had grown gray in misery. Lives that flash in sunshine, and lives
that are born in tears, receive their hue from circumstances. None of us
know what a year may bring forth.

I felt no joy when they told me my uncle had come. He wanted to see me,
though he knew what had happened. I shrank from him at first; but at last
consented that he should come to my room. He received me as he always had
done. O, how my heart smote me when I felt his tears on my burning cheeks!
The words of my grandmother came to my mind,—“Perhaps your mother
and father are taken from the evil days to come.” My disappointed heart
could now praise God that it was so. But why, thought I, did my relatives
ever cherish hopes for me? What was there to save me from the usual fate
of slave girls? Many more beautiful and more intelligent than I had
experienced a similar fate, or a far worse one. How could they hope that I
should escape?

My uncle’s stay was short, and I was not sorry for it. I was too ill in
mind and body to enjoy my friends as I had done. For some weeks I was
unable to leave my bed. I could not have any doctor but my master, and I
would not have him sent for. At last, alarmed by my increasing illness,
they sent for him. I was very weak and nervous; and as soon as he entered
the room, I began to scream. They told him my state was very critical. He
had no wish to hasten me out of the world, and he withdrew.

When my babe was born, they said it was premature. It weighed only four
pounds; but God let it live. I heard the doctor say I could not survive
till morning. I had often prayed for death; but now I did not want to die,
unless my child could die too. Many weeks passed before I was able to
leave my bed. I was a mere wreck of my former self. For a year there was
scarcely a day when I was free from chills and fever. My babe also was
sickly. His little limbs were often racked with pain. Dr. Flint continued
his visits, to look after my health; and he did not fail to remind me that
my child was an addition to his stock of slaves.

I felt too feeble to dispute with him, and listened to his remarks in
silence. His visits were less frequent; but his busy spirit could not
remain quiet. He employed my brother in his office, and he was made the
medium of frequent notes and messages to me. William was a bright lad, and
of much use to the doctor. He had learned to put up medicines, to leech,
cup, and bleed. He had taught himself to read and spell. I was proud of my
brother; and the old doctor suspected as much. One day, when I had not
seen him for several weeks, I heard his steps approaching the door. I
dreaded the encounter, and hid myself. He inquired for me, of course; but
I was nowhere to be found. He went to his office, and despatched William
with a note. The color mounted to my brother’s face when he gave it to me;
and he said, “Don’t you hate me, Linda, for bringing you these things?” I
told him I could not blame him; he was a slave, and obliged to obey his
master’s will. The note ordered me to come to his office. I went. He
demanded to know where I was when he called. I told him I was at home. He
flew into a passion, and said he knew better. Then he launched out upon
his usual themes,—my crimes against him, and my ingratitude for his
forbearance. The laws were laid down to me anew, and I was dismissed. I
felt humiliated that my brother should stand by, and listen to such
language as would be addressed only to a slave. Poor boy! He was powerless
to defend me; but I saw the tears, which he vainly strove to keep back.
This manifestation of feeling irritated the doctor. William could do
nothing to please him. One morning he did not arrive at the office so
early as usual; and that circumstance afforded his master an opportunity
to vent his spleen. He was put in jail. The next day my brother sent a
trader to the doctor, with a request to be sold. His master was greatly
incensed at what he called his insolence. He said he had put him there to
reflect upon his bad conduct, and he certainly was not giving any evidence
of repentance. For two days he harassed himself to find somebody to do his
office work; but every thing went wrong without William. He was released,
and ordered to take his old stand, with many threats, if he was not
careful about his future behavior.

As the months passed on, my boy improved in health. When he was a year
old, they called him beautiful. The little vine was taking deep root in my
existence, though its clinging fondness excited a mixture of love and
pain. When I was most sorely oppressed I found a solace in his smiles. I
loved to watch his infant slumbers; but always there was a dark cloud over
my enjoyment. I could never forget that he was a slave. Sometimes I wished
that he might die in infancy. God tried me. My darling became very ill.
The bright eyes grew dull, and the little feet and hands were so icy cold
that I thought death had already touched them. I had prayed for his death,
but never so earnestly as I now prayed for his life; and my prayer was
heard. Alas, what mockery it is for a slave mother to try to pray back her
dying child to life! Death is better than slavery. It was a sad thought
that I had no name to give my child. His father caressed him and treated
him kindly, whenever he had a chance to see him. He was not unwilling that
he should bear his name; but he had no legal claim to it; and if I had
bestowed it upon him, my master would have regarded it as a new crime, a
new piece of insolence, and would, perhaps, revenge it on the boy. O, the
serpent of Slavery has many and poisonous fangs!

XII. Fear Of Insurrection.

Not far from this time Nat Turner’s insurrection broke out; and the news
threw our town into great commotion. Strange that they should be alarmed,
when their slaves were so “contented and happy”! But so it was.

It was always the custom to have a muster every year. On that occasion
every white man shouldered his musket. The citizens and the so-called
country gentlemen wore military uniforms. The poor whites took their
places in the ranks in every-day dress, some without shoes, some without
hats. This grand occasion had already passed; and when the slaves were
told there was to be another muster, they were surprised and rejoiced.
Poor creatures! They thought it was going to be a holiday. I was informed
of the true state of affairs, and imparted it to the few I could trust.
Most gladly would I have proclaimed it to every slave; but I dared not.
All could not be relied on. Mighty is the power of the torturing lash.

By sunrise, people were pouring in from every quarter within twenty miles
of the town. I knew the houses were to be searched; and I expected it
would be done by country bullies and the poor whites. I knew nothing
annoyed them so much as to see colored people living in comfort and
respectability; so I made arrangements for them with especial care. I
arranged every thing in my grandmother’s house as neatly as possible. I
put white quilts on the beds, and decorated some of the rooms with
flowers. When all was arranged, I sat down at the window to watch. Far as
my eye could reach, it rested on a motley crowd of soldiers. Drums and
fifes were discoursing martial music. The men were divided into companies
of sixteen, each headed by a captain. Orders were given, and the wild
scouts rushed in every direction, wherever a colored face was to be found.

It was a grand opportunity for the low whites, who had no negroes of their
own to scourge. They exulted in such a chance to exercise a little brief
authority, and show their subserviency to the slaveholders; not reflecting
that the power which trampled on the colored people also kept themselves
in poverty, ignorance, and moral degradation. Those who never witnessed
such scenes can hardly believe what I know was inflicted at this time on
innocent men, women, and children, against whom there was not the
slightest ground for suspicion. Colored people and slaves who lived in
remote parts of the town suffered in an especial manner. In some cases the
searchers scattered powder and shot among their clothes, and then sent
other parties to find them, and bring them forward as proof that they were
plotting insurrection. Every where men, women, and children were whipped
till the blood stood in puddles at their feet. Some received five hundred
lashes; others were tied hands and feet, and tortured with a bucking
paddle, which blisters the skin terribly. The dwellings of the colored
people, unless they happened to be protected by some influential white
person, who was nigh at hand, were robbed of clothing and every thing else
the marauders thought worth carrying away. All day long these unfeeling
wretches went round, like a troop of demons, terrifying and tormenting the
helpless. At night, they formed themselves into patrol bands, and went
wherever they chose among the colored people, acting out their brutal
will. Many women hid themselves in woods and swamps, to keep out of their
way. If any of the husbands or fathers told of these outrages, they were
tied up to the public whipping post, and cruelly scourged for telling lies
about white men. The consternation was universal. No two people that had
the slightest tinge of color in their faces dared to be seen talking
together.

I entertained no positive fears about our household, because we were in
the midst of white families who would protect us. We were ready to receive
the soldiers whenever they came. It was not long before we heard the tramp
of feet and the sound of voices. The door was rudely pushed open; and in
they tumbled, like a pack of hungry wolves. They snatched at every thing
within their reach. Every box, trunk, closet, and corner underwent a
thorough examination. A box in one of the drawers containing some silver
change was eagerly pounced upon. When I stepped forward to take it from
them, one of the soldiers turned and said angrily, “What d’ye foller us
fur? D’ye s’pose white folks is come to steal?”

I replied, “You have come to search; but you have searched that box, and I
will take it, if you please.”

At that moment I saw a white gentleman who was friendly to us; and I
called to him, and asked him to have the goodness to come in and stay till
the search was over. He readily complied. His entrance into the house
brought in the captain of the company, whose business it was to guard the
outside of the house, and see that none of the inmates left it. This
officer was Mr. Litch, the wealthy slaveholder whom I mentioned, in the
account of neighboring planters, as being notorious for his cruelty. He
felt above soiling his hands with the search. He merely gave orders; and,
if a bit of writing was discovered, it was carried to him by his ignorant
followers, who were unable to read.

My grandmother had a large trunk of bedding and table cloths. When that
was opened, there was a great shout of surprise; and one exclaimed,
“Where’d the damned niggers git all dis sheet an’ table clarf?”

My grandmother, emboldened by the presence of our white protector, said,
“You may be sure we didn’t pilfer ’em from your houses.”

“Look here, mammy,” said a grim-looking fellow without any coat, “you seem
to feel mighty gran’ ’cause you got all them ’ere fixens. White folks
oughter have ’em all.”

His remarks were interrupted by a chorus of voices shouting, “We’s got
’em! We’s got ’em! Dis ’ere yaller gal’s got letters!”

There was a general rush for the supposed letter, which, upon examination,
proved to be some verses written to me by a friend. In packing away my
things, I had overlooked them. When their captain informed them of their
contents, they seemed much disappointed. He inquired of me who wrote them.
I told him it was one of my friends. “Can you read them?” he asked. When I
told him I could, he swore, and raved, and tore the paper into bits.
“Bring me all your letters!” said he, in a commanding tone. I told him I had
none. “Don’t be afraid,” he continued, in an insinuating way. “Bring them
all to me. Nobody shall do you any harm.” Seeing I did not move to obey
him, his pleasant tone changed to oaths and threats. “Who writes to you?
half free niggers?” inquired he. I replied, “O, no; most of my letters are
from white people. Some request me to burn them after they are read, and
some I destroy without reading.”

An exclamation of surprise from some of the company put a stop to our
conversation. Some silver spoons which ornamented an old-fashioned buffet
had just been discovered. My grandmother was in the habit of preserving
fruit for many ladies in the town, and of preparing suppers for parties;
consequently she had many jars of preserves. The closet that contained
these was next invaded, and the contents tasted. One of them, who was
helping himself freely, tapped his neighbor on the shoulder, and said,
“Wal done! Don’t wonder de niggers want to kill all de white folks, when
dey live on ’sarves” [meaning preserves]. I stretched out my hand to take
the jar, saying, “You were not sent here to search for sweetmeats.”

“And what were we sent for?” said the captain, bristling up to me.
I evaded the question.

The search of the house was completed, and nothing found to condemn us.
They next proceeded to the garden, and knocked about every bush and vine,
with no better success. The captain called his men together, and, after a
short consultation, the order to march was given. As they passed out of
the gate, the captain turned back, and pronounced a malediction on the
house. He said it ought to be burned to the ground, and each of its
inmates receive thirty-nine lashes. We came out of this affair very
fortunately; not losing any thing except some wearing apparel.

Towards evening the turbulence increased. The soldiers, stimulated by
drink, committed still greater cruelties. Shrieks and shouts continually
rent the air. Not daring to go to the door, I peeped under the window
curtain. I saw a mob dragging along a number of colored people, each white
man, with his musket upraised, threatening instant death if they did not
stop their shrieks. Among the prisoners was a respectable old colored
minister. They had found a few parcels of shot in his house, which his
wife had for years used to balance her scales. For this they were going to
shoot him on Court House Green. What a spectacle was that for a civilized
country! A rabble, staggering under intoxication, assuming to be the
administrators of justice!

The better class of the community exerted their influence to save the
innocent, persecuted people; and in several instances they succeeded, by
keeping them shut up in jail till the excitement abated. At last the white
citizens found that their own property was not safe from the lawless
rabble they had summoned to protect them. They rallied the drunken swarm,
drove them back into the country, and set a guard over the town.

The next day, the town patrols were commissioned to search colored people
that lived out of the city; and the most shocking outrages were committed
with perfect impunity. Every day for a fortnight, if I looked out, I saw
horsemen with some poor panting negro tied to their saddles, and compelled
by the lash to keep up with their speed, till they arrived at the jail
yard. Those who had been whipped too unmercifully to walk were washed with
brine, tossed into a cart, and carried to jail. One black man, who had not
fortitude to endure scourging, promised to give information about the
conspiracy. But it turned out that he knew nothing at all. He had not even
heard the name of Nat Turner. The poor fellow had, however, made up a
story, which augmented his own sufferings and those of the colored people.

The day patrol continued for some weeks, and at sundown a night guard was
substituted. Nothing at all was proved against the colored people, bond or
free. The wrath of the slaveholders was somewhat appeased by the capture
of Nat Turner. The imprisoned were released. The slaves were sent to their
masters, and the free were permitted to return to their ravaged homes.
Visiting was strictly forbidden on the plantations. The slaves begged the
privilege of again meeting at their little church in the woods, with their
burying ground around it. It was built by the colored people, and they had
no higher happiness than to meet there and sing hymns together, and pour
out their hearts in spontaneous prayer. Their request was denied, and the
church was demolished. They were permitted to attend the white churches, a
certain portion of the galleries being appropriated to their use. There,
when every body else had partaken of the communion, and the benediction
had been pronounced, the minister said, “Come down, now, my colored
friends.” They obeyed the summons, and partook of the bread and wine, in
commemoration of the meek and lowly Jesus, who said, “God is your Father,
and all ye are brethren.”

XIII. The Church And Slavery.

After the alarm caused by Nat Turner’s insurrection had subsided, the
slaveholders came to the conclusion that it would be well to give the
slaves enough of religious instruction to keep them from murdering their
masters. The Episcopal clergyman offered to hold a separate service on
Sundays for their benefit. His colored members were very few, and also
very respectable—a fact which I presume had some weight with him.
The difficulty was to decide on a suitable place for them to worship. The
Methodist and Baptist churches admitted them in the afternoon; but their
carpets and cushions were not so costly as those at the Episcopal church.
It was at last decided that they should meet at the house of a free
colored man, who was a member.

I was invited to attend, because I could read. Sunday evening came, and,
trusting to the cover of night, I ventured out. I rarely ventured out by
daylight, for I always went with fear, expecting at every turn to
encounter Dr. Flint, who was sure to turn me back, or order me to his
office to inquire where I got my bonnet, or some other article of dress.
When the Rev. Mr. Pike came, there were some twenty persons present. The
reverend gentleman knelt in prayer, then seated himself, and requested all
present, who could read, to open their books, while he gave out the
portions he wished them to repeat or respond to.

His text was, “Servants, be obedient to them that are your masters
according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your
heart, as unto Christ.”

Pious Mr. Pike brushed up his hair till it stood upright, and, in deep,
solemn tones, began: “Hearken, ye servants! Give strict heed unto my
words. You are rebellious sinners. Your hearts are filled with all manner
of evil. ’Tis the devil who tempts you. God is angry with you, and will
surely punish you, if you don’t forsake your wicked ways. You that live in
town are eye-servants behind your master’s back. Instead of serving your
masters faithfully, which is pleasing in the sight of your heavenly
Master, you are idle, and shirk your work. God sees you. You tell lies.
God hears you. Instead of being engaged in worshipping him, you are hidden
away somewhere, feasting on your master’s substance; tossing
coffee-grounds with some wicked fortuneteller, or cutting cards with
another old hag. Your masters may not find you out, but God sees you, and
will punish you. O, the depravity of your hearts! When your master’s work
is done, are you quietly together, thinking of the goodness of God to such
sinful creatures? No; you are quarrelling, and tying up little bags of
roots to bury under the door-steps to poison each other with. God sees you.
You men steal away to every grog shop to sell your master’s corn, that you
may buy rum to drink. God sees you. You sneak into the back streets, or
among the bushes, to pitch coppers. Although your masters may not find you
out, God sees you; and he will punish you. You must forsake your sinful
ways, and be faithful servants. Obey your old master and your young master—your
old mistress and your young mistress. If you disobey your earthly master,
you offend your heavenly Master. You must obey God’s commandments. When
you go from here, don’t stop at the corners of the streets to talk, but go
directly home, and let your master and mistress see that you have come.”

The benediction was pronounced. We went home, highly amused at brother
Pike’s gospel teaching, and we determined to hear him again. I went the
next Sabbath evening, and heard pretty much a repetition of the last
discourse. At the close of the meeting, Mr. Pike informed us that he found
it very inconvenient to meet at the friend’s house, and he should be glad
to see us, every Sunday evening, at his own kitchen.

I went home with the feeling that I had heard the Reverend Mr. Pike for
the last time. Some of his members repaired to his house, and found that
the kitchen sported two tallow candles; the first time, I am sure, since
its present occupant owned it, for the servants never had any thing but
pine knots. It was so long before the reverend gentleman descended from
his comfortable parlor that the slaves left, and went to enjoy a Methodist
shout. They never seem so happy as when shouting and singing at religious
meetings. Many of them are sincere, and nearer to the gate of heaven than
sanctimonious Mr. Pike, and other long-faced Christians, who see wounded
Samaritans, and pass by on the other side.

The slaves generally compose their own songs and hymns; and they do not
trouble their heads much about the measure. They often sing the following
verses:

“Old Satan is one busy ole man;
He rolls dem blocks all in my way;
But Jesus is my bosom friend;
He rolls dem blocks away.

“If I had died when I was young,
Den how my stam’ring tongue would have sung;
But I am ole, and now I stand
A narrow chance for to tread dat heavenly land.”

I well remember one occasion when I attended a Methodist class meeting. I
went with a burdened spirit, and happened to sit next a poor, bereaved
mother, whose heart was still heavier than mine. The class leader was the
town constable—a man who bought and sold slaves, who whipped his
brethren and sisters of the church at the public whipping post, in jail or
out of jail. He was ready to perform that Christian office any where for
fifty cents. This white-faced, black-hearted brother came near us, and
said to the stricken woman, “Sister, can’t you tell us how the Lord deals
with your soul? Do you love him as you did formerly?”

She rose to her feet, and said, in piteous tones, “My Lord and Master,
help me! My load is more than I can bear. God has hid himself from me, and
I am left in darkness and misery.” Then, striking her breast, she
continued, “I can’t tell you what is in here! They’ve got all my children.
Last week they took the last one. God only knows where they’ve sold her.
They let me have her sixteen years, and then— O! O! Pray for her
brothers and sisters! I’ve got nothing to live for now. God make my time
short!”

She sat down, quivering in every limb. I saw that constable class leader
become crimson in the face with suppressed laughter, while he held up his
handkerchief, that those who were weeping for the poor woman’s calamity
might not see his merriment. Then, with assumed gravity, he said to the
bereaved mother, “Sister, pray to the Lord that every dispensation of his
divine will may be sanctified to the good of your poor needy soul!”

The congregation struck up a hymn, and sung as though they were as free as
the birds that warbled round us,—

“Ole Satan thought he had a mighty aim;
He missed my soul, and caught my sins.
Cry Amen, cry Amen, cry Amen to God!

“He took my sins upon his back;
Went muttering and grumbling down to hell.
Cry Amen, cry Amen, cry Amen to God!

“Ole Satan’s church is here below.
Up to God’s free church I hope to go.
Cry Amen, cry Amen, cry Amen to God!”

Precious are such moments to the poor slaves. If you were to hear them at
such times, you might think they were happy. But can that hour of singing
and shouting sustain them through the dreary week, toiling without wages,
under constant dread of the lash?

The Episcopal clergyman, who, ever since my earliest recollection, had
been a sort of god among the slaveholders, concluded, as his family was
large, that he must go where money was more abundant. A very different
clergyman took his place. The change was very agreeable to the colored
people, who said, “God has sent us a good man this time.” They loved him,
and their children followed him for a smile or a kind word. Even the
slaveholders felt his influence. He brought to the rectory five slaves.
His wife taught them to read and write, and to be useful to her and
themselves. As soon as he was settled, he turned his attention to the
needy slaves around him. He urged upon his parishioners the duty of having
a meeting expressly for them every Sunday, with a sermon adapted to their
comprehension. After much argument and importunity, it was finally agreed
that they might occupy the gallery of the church on Sunday evenings. Many
colored people, hitherto unaccustomed to attend church, now gladly went to
hear the gospel preached. The sermons were simple, and they understood
them. Moreover, it was the first time they had ever been addressed as
human beings. It was not long before his white parishioners began to be
dissatisfied. He was accused of preaching better sermons to the negroes
than he did to them. He honestly confessed that he bestowed more pains
upon those sermons than upon any others; for the slaves were reared in
such ignorance that it was a difficult task to adapt himself to their
comprehension. Dissensions arose in the parish. Some wanted he should
preach to them in the evening, and to the slaves in the afternoon. In the
midst of these disputings his wife died, after a very short illness. Her
slaves gathered round her dying bed in great sorrow. She said, “I have
tried to do you good and promote your happiness; and if I have failed, it
has not been for want of interest in your welfare. Do not weep for me; but
prepare for the new duties that lie before you. I leave you all free. May
we meet in a better world.” Her liberated slaves were sent away, with
funds to establish them comfortably. The colored people will long bless
the memory of that truly Christian woman. Soon after her death her husband
preached his farewell sermon, and many tears were shed at his departure.

Several years after, he passed through our town and preached to his former
congregation. In his afternoon sermon he addressed the colored people. “My
friends,” said he, “it affords me great happiness to have an opportunity
of speaking to you again. For two years I have been striving to do
something for the colored people of my own parish; but nothing is yet
accomplished. I have not even preached a sermon to them. Try to live
according to the word of God, my friends. Your skin is darker than mine;
but God judges men by their hearts, not by the color of their skins.” This
was strange doctrine from a southern pulpit. It was very offensive to
slaveholders. They said he and his wife had made fools of their slaves,
and that he preached like a fool to the negroes.

I knew an old black man, whose piety and childlike trust in God were
beautiful to witness. At fifty-three years old he joined the Baptist
church. He had a most earnest desire to learn to read. He thought he
should know how to serve God better if he could only read the Bible. He
came to me, and begged me to teach him. He said he could not pay me, for
he had no money; but he would bring me nice fruit when the season for it
came. I asked him if he didn’t know it was contrary to law; and that
slaves were whipped and imprisoned for teaching each other to read. This
brought the tears into his eyes. “Don’t be troubled, uncle Fred,” said I.
“I have no thoughts of refusing to teach you. I only told you of the law,
that you might know the danger, and be on your guard.” He thought he could
plan to come three times a week without its being suspected. I selected a
quiet nook, where no intruder was likely to penetrate, and there I taught
him his A, B, C. Considering his age, his progress was astonishing. As
soon as he could spell in two syllables he wanted to spell out words in
the Bible. The happy smile that illuminated his face put joy into my
heart. After spelling out a few words, he paused, and said, “Honey, it
’pears when I can read dis good book I shall be nearer to God. White man
is got all de sense. He can larn easy. It ain’t easy for ole black man
like me. I only wants to read dis book, dat I may know how to live; den I
hab no fear ’bout dying.”

I tried to encourage him by speaking of the rapid progress he had made.
“Hab patience, child,” he replied. “I larns slow.”

I had no need of patience. His gratitude, and the happiness I imparted, were
more than a recompense for all my trouble.

At the end of six months he had read through the New Testament, and could
find any text in it. One day, when he had recited unusually well, I said,
“Uncle Fred, how do you manage to get your lessons so well?”

“Lord bress you, chile,” he replied. “You nebber gibs me a lesson dat I
don’t pray to God to help me to understan’ what I spells and what I reads.
And he does help me, chile. Bress his holy name!”

There are thousands, who, like good uncle Fred, are thirsting for the
water of life; but the law forbids it, and the churches withhold it. They
send the Bible to heathen abroad, and neglect the heathen at home. I am
glad that missionaries go out to the dark corners of the earth; but I ask
them not to overlook the dark corners at home. Talk to American
slaveholders as you talk to savages in Africa. Tell them it is
wrong to traffic in men. Tell them it is sinful to sell their own
children, and atrocious to violate their own daughters. Tell them that all
men are brethren, and that man has no right to shut out the light of
knowledge from his brother. Tell them they are answerable to God for
sealing up the Fountain of Life from souls that are thirsting for it.

There are men who would gladly undertake such missionary work as this;
but, alas! their number is small. They are hated by the south, and would
be driven from its soil, or dragged to prison to die, as others have been
before them. The field is ripe for the harvest, and awaits the reapers.
Perhaps the great grandchildren of uncle Fred may have freely imparted to
them the divine treasures, which he sought by stealth, at the risk of the
prison and the scourge.

Are doctors of divinity blind, or are they hypocrites? I suppose some are
the one, and some the other; but I think if they felt the interest in the
poor and the lowly, that they ought to feel, they would not be so easily
blinded. A clergyman who goes to the south, for the first time, has
usually some feeling, however vague, that slavery is wrong. The
slaveholder suspects this, and plays his game accordingly. He makes
himself as agreeable as possible; talks on theology, and other kindred
topics. The reverend gentleman is asked to invoke a blessing on a table
loaded with luxuries. After dinner he walks round the premises, and sees
the beautiful groves and flowering vines, and the comfortable huts of
favored household slaves. The southerner invites him to talk with these
slaves. He asks them if they want to be free, and they say, “O, no,
massa.” This is sufficient to satisfy him. He comes home to publish a
“South-Side View of Slavery,” and to complain of the exaggerations of
abolitionists. He assures people that he has been to the south, and seen
slavery for himself; that it is a beautiful “patriarchal institution;”
that the slaves don’t want their freedom; that they have hallelujah
meetings, and other religious privileges.

What does he know of the half-starved wretches toiling from dawn
till dark on the plantations? of mothers shrieking for their children,
torn from their arms by slave traders? of young girls dragged down into
moral filth? of pools of blood around the whipping post? of hounds trained
to tear human flesh? of men screwed into cotton gins to die? The
slaveholder showed him none of these things, and the slaves dared not tell
of them if he had asked them.

There is a great difference between Christianity and religion at the
south. If a man goes to the communion table, and pays money into the
treasury of the church, no matter if it be the price of blood, he is
called religious. If a pastor has offspring by a woman not his wife, the
church dismiss him, if she is a white woman; but if she is colored, it
does not hinder his continuing to be their good shepherd.

When I was told that Dr. Flint had joined the Episcopal church, I was much
surprised. I supposed that religion had a purifying effect on the
character of men; but the worst persecutions I endured from him were after
he was a communicant. The conversation of the doctor, the day after he had
been confirmed, certainly gave me no indication that he had
“renounced the devil and all his works.” In answer to some of his usual
talk, I reminded him that he had just joined the church. “Yes, Linda,”
said he. “It was proper for me to do so. I am getting in years, and my
position in society requires it, and it puts an end to all the damned
slang. You would do well to join the church, too, Linda.”

“There are sinners enough in it already,” rejoined I. “If I could be
allowed to live like a Christian, I should be glad.”

“You can do what I require; and if you are faithful to me, you will be as
virtuous as my wife,” he replied.

I answered that the Bible didn’t say so.

His voice became hoarse with rage. “How dare you preach to me about your
infernal Bible!” he exclaimed. “What right have you, who are my negro, to
talk to me about what you would like, and what you wouldn’t like? I am your
master, and you shall obey me.”

No wonder the slaves sing,—

“Ole Satan’s church is here below;
Up to God’s free church I hope to go.”

XIV. Another Link To Life.

I had not returned to my master’s house since the birth of my child. The
old man raved to have me thus removed from his immediate power; but his
wife vowed, by all that was good and great, she would kill me if I came
back; and he did not doubt her word. Sometimes he would stay away for a
season. Then he would come and renew the old threadbare discourse about
his forbearance and my ingratitude. He labored, most unnecessarily, to
convince me that I had lowered myself. The venomous old reprobate had no
need of descanting on that theme. I felt humiliated enough. My unconscious
babe was the ever-present witness of my shame. I listened with silent
contempt when he talked about my having forfeited his good opinion;
but I shed bitter tears that I was no longer worthy of being respected by
the good and pure. Alas! slavery still held me in its poisonous grasp.
There was no chance for me to be respectable. There was no prospect of
being able to lead a better life.

Sometimes, when my master found that I still refused to accept what he
called his kind offers, he would threaten to sell my child. “Perhaps that
will humble you,” said he.

Humble me! Was I not already in the dust? But his threat lacerated
my heart. I knew the law gave him power to fulfil it; for slaveholders
have been cunning enough to enact that “the child shall follow the
condition of the mother,” not of the father; thus taking
care that licentiousness shall not interfere with avarice. This reflection
made me clasp my innocent babe all the more firmly to my heart. Horrid
visions passed through my mind when I thought of his liability to fall
into the slave trader’s hands. I wept over him, and said, “O my child!
perhaps they will leave you in some cold cabin to die, and then throw you
into a hole, as if you were a dog.”

When Dr. Flint learned that I was again to be a mother, he was exasperated
beyond measure. He rushed from the house, and returned with a pair of
shears. I had a fine head of hair; and he often railed about my pride of
arranging it nicely. He cut every hair close to my head, storming and
swearing all the time. I replied to some of his abuse, and he struck me.
Some months before, he had pitched me down stairs in a fit of passion; and
the injury I received was so serious that I was unable to turn myself in
bed for many days. He then said, “Linda, I swear by God I will never raise
my hand against you again;” but I knew that he would forget his promise.

After he discovered my situation, he was like a restless spirit from the
pit. He came every day; and I was subjected to such insults as no pen can
describe. I would not describe them if I could; they were too low, too
revolting. I tried to keep them from my grandmother’s knowledge as much as
I could. I knew she had enough to sadden her life, without having my
troubles to bear. When she saw the doctor treat me with violence, and
heard him utter oaths terrible enough to palsy a man’s tongue, she could
not always hold her peace. It was natural and motherlike that she should
try to defend me; but it only made matters worse.

When they told me my new-born babe was a girl, my heart was heavier than
it had ever been before. Slavery is terrible for men; but it is far more
terrible for women. Superadded to the burden common to all, they
have wrongs, and sufferings, and mortifications peculiarly their own.

Dr. Flint had sworn that he would make me suffer, to my last day, for this
new crime against him, as he called it; and as long as he had me in
his power he kept his word. On the fourth day after the birth of my babe,
he entered my room suddenly, and commanded me to rise and bring my baby to
him. The nurse who took care of me had gone out of the room to prepare
some nourishment, and I was alone. There was no alternative. I rose, took
up my babe, and crossed the room to where he sat. “Now stand there,” said
he, “till I tell you to go back!” My child bore a strong resemblance to
her father, and to the deceased Mrs. Sands, her grandmother. He noticed
this; and while I stood before him, trembling with weakness, he heaped
upon me and my little one every vile epithet he could think of. Even the
grandmother in her grave did not escape his curses. In the midst of his
vituperations I fainted at his feet. This recalled him to his senses. He
took the baby from my arms, laid it on the bed, dashed cold water in my
face, took me up, and shook me violently, to restore my consciousness
before any one entered the room. Just then my grandmother came in, and he
hurried out of the house. I suffered in consequence of this treatment; but
I begged my friends to let me die, rather than send for the doctor. There
was nothing I dreaded so much as his presence. My life was spared; and I
was glad for the sake of my little ones. Had it not been for these ties to
life, I should have been glad to be released by death, though I had lived
only nineteen years.

Always it gave me a pang that my children had no lawful claim to a name.
Their father offered his; but, if I had wished to accept the offer, I
dared not while my master lived. Moreover, I knew it would not be accepted
at their baptism. A Christian name they were at least entitled to; and we
resolved to call my boy for our dear good Benjamin, who had gone far away
from us.

My grandmother belonged to the church; and she was very desirous of having
the children christened. I knew Dr. Flint would forbid it, and I did not
venture to attempt it. But chance favored me. He was called to visit a
patient out of town, and was obliged to be absent during Sunday. “Now is
the time,” said my grandmother; “we will take the children to church, and
have them christened.”

When I entered the church, recollections of my mother came over me, and I
felt subdued in spirit. There she had presented me for baptism, without
any reason to feel ashamed. She had been married, and had such legal
rights as slavery allows to a slave. The vows had at least been sacred to
her, and she had never violated them. I was glad she was not alive,
to know under what different circumstances her grandchildren were
presented for baptism. Why had my lot been so different from my mother’s?
Her master had died when she was a child; and she remained with her
mistress till she married. She was never in the power of any master; and
thus she escaped one class of the evils that generally fall upon slaves.

When my baby was about to be christened, the former mistress of my father
stepped up to me, and proposed to give it her Christian name. To this I
added the surname of my father, who had himself no legal right to it; for
my grandfather on the paternal side was a white gentleman. What tangled
skeins are the genealogies of slavery! I loved my father; but it mortified
me to be obliged to bestow his name on my children.

When we left the church, my father’s old mistress invited me to go home
with her. She clasped a gold chain round my baby’s neck. I thanked her for
this kindness; but I did not like the emblem. I wanted no chain to be
fastened on my daughter, not even if its links were of gold. How earnestly
I prayed that she might never feel the weight of slavery’s chain, whose
iron entereth into the soul!

XV. Continued Persecutions.

My children grew finely; and Dr. Flint would often say to me, with an
exulting smile. “These brats will bring me a handsome sum of money one of
these days.”

I thought to myself that, God being my helper, they should never pass into
his hands. It seemed to me I would rather see them killed than have them
given up to his power. The money for the freedom of myself and my children
could be obtained; but I derived no advantage from that circumstance. Dr.
Flint loved money, but he loved power more. After much discussion, my
friends resolved on making another trial. There was a slaveholder about to
leave for Texas, and he was commissioned to buy me. He was to begin with
nine hundred dollars, and go up to twelve. My master refused his offers.
“Sir,” said he, “she don’t belong to me. She is my daughter’s property,
and I have no right to sell her. I mistrust that you come from her
paramour. If so, you may tell him that he cannot buy her for any money;
neither can he buy her children.”

The doctor came to see me the next day, and my heart beat quicker as he
entered. I never had seen the old man tread with so majestic a step. He
seated himself and looked at me with withering scorn. My children had
learned to be afraid of him. The little one would shut her eyes and hide
her face on my shoulder whenever she saw him; and Benny, who was now
nearly five years old, often inquired, “What makes that bad man come here
so many times? Does he want to hurt us?” I would clasp the dear boy in my
arms, trusting that he would be free before he was old enough to solve the
problem. And now, as the doctor sat there so grim and silent, the child
left his play and came and nestled up by me. At last my tormentor spoke.
“So you are left in disgust, are you?” said he. “It is no more than I
expected. You remember I told you years ago that you would be treated so.
So he is tired of you? Ha! ha! ha! The virtuous madam don’t like to hear
about it, does she? Ha! ha! ha!” There was a sting in his calling me
virtuous madam. I no longer had the power of answering him as I had
formerly done. He continued: “So it seems you are trying to get up another
intrigue. Your new paramour came to me, and offered to buy you; but you
may be assured you will not succeed. You are mine; and you shall be mine
for life. There lives no human being that can take you out of slavery. I
would have done it; but you rejected my kind offer.”

I told him I did not wish to get up any intrigue; that I had never seen
the man who offered to buy me.

“Do you tell me I lie?” exclaimed he, dragging me from my chair. “Will you
say again that you never saw that man?”

I answered, “I do say so.”

He clinched my arm with a volley of oaths. Ben began to scream, and I told
him to go to his grandmother.

“Don’t you stir a step, you little wretch!” said he. The child drew nearer
to me, and put his arms round me, as if he wanted to protect me. This was
too much for my enraged master. He caught him up and hurled him across the
room. I thought he was dead, and rushed towards him to take him up.

“Not yet!” exclaimed the doctor. “Let him lie there till he comes to.”

“Let me go! Let me go!” I screamed, “or I will raise the whole house.” I
struggled and got away; but he clinched me again. Somebody opened the
door, and he released me. I picked up my insensible child, and when I
turned my tormentor was gone. Anxiously, I bent over the little form, so
pale and still; and when the brown eyes at last opened, I don’t know
whether I was very happy.

All the doctor’s former persecutions were
renewed. He came morning, noon, and night. No jealous lover ever watched a
rival more closely than he watched me and the unknown slaveholder, with
whom he accused me of wishing to get up an intrigue. When my grandmother
was out of the way he searched every room to find him.

In one of his visits, he happened to find a young girl, whom he had sold
to a trader a few days previous. His statement was, that he sold her
because she had been too familiar with the overseer. She had had a bitter
life with him, and was glad to be sold. She had no mother, and no near
ties. She had been torn from all her family years before. A few friends
had entered into bonds for her safety, if the trader would allow her to
spend with them the time that intervened between her sale and the
gathering up of his human stock. Such a favor was rarely granted. It saved
the trader the expense of board and jail fees, and though the amount was
small, it was a weighty consideration in a slave-trader’s mind.

Dr. Flint always had an aversion to meeting slaves after he had sold them.
He ordered Rose out of the house; but he was no longer her master, and she
took no notice of him. For once the crushed Rose was the conqueror. His
gray eyes flashed angrily upon her; but that was the extent of his power.
“How came this girl here?” he exclaimed. “What right had you to allow it,
when you knew I had sold her?”

I answered, “This is my grandmother’s house, and Rose came to see her. I
have no right to turn any body out of doors, that comes here for honest
purposes.”

He gave me the blow that would have fallen upon Rose if she had still been
his slave. My grandmother’s attention had been attracted by loud voices,
and she entered in time to see a second blow dealt. She was not a woman to
let such an outrage, in her own house, go unrebuked. The doctor undertook
to explain that I had been insolent. Her indignant feelings rose higher
and higher, and finally boiled over in words. “Get out of my house!” she
exclaimed. “Go home, and take care of your wife and children, and you will
have enough to do, without watching my family.”

He threw the birth of my children in her face, and accused her of
sanctioning the life I was leading. She told him I was living with her by
compulsion of his wife; that he needn’t accuse her, for he was the one to
blame; he was the one who had caused all the trouble. She grew more and
more excited as she went on. “I tell you what, Dr. Flint,” said she, “you
ain’t got many more years to live, and you’d better be saying your
prayers. It will take ’em all, and more too, to wash the dirt off your
soul.”

“Do you know whom you are talking to?” he exclaimed.

She replied, “Yes, I know very well who I am talking to.”

He left the house in a great rage. I looked at my grandmother. Our eyes
met. Their angry expression had passed away, but she looked sorrowful and
weary—weary of incessant strife. I wondered that it did not lessen
her love for me; but if it did she never showed it. She was always kind,
always ready to sympathize with my troubles. There might have been peace
and contentment in that humble home if it had not been for the demon
Slavery.

The winter passed undisturbed by the doctor. The beautiful spring came;
and when Nature resumes her loveliness, the human soul is apt to revive
also. My drooping hopes came to life again with the flowers. I was
dreaming of freedom again; more for my children’s sake than my own. I
planned and I planned. Obstacles hit against plans. There seemed no way of
overcoming them; and yet I hoped.

Back came the wily doctor. I was not at home when he called. A friend had
invited me to a small party, and to gratify her I went. To my great
consternation, a messenger came in haste to say that Dr. Flint was at my
grandmother’s, and insisted on seeing me. They did not tell him where I
was, or he would have come and raised a disturbance in my friend’s house.
They sent me a dark wrapper; I threw it on and hurried home. My speed did
not save me; the doctor had gone away in anger. I dreaded the morning, but
I could not delay it; it came, warm and bright. At an early hour the
doctor came and asked me where I had been last night. I told him. He did
not believe me, and sent to my friend’s house to ascertain the facts. He
came in the afternoon to assure me he was satisfied that I had spoken the
truth. He seemed to be in a facetious mood, and I expected some jeers were
coming. “I suppose you need some recreation,” said he, “but I am surprised
at your being there, among those negroes. It was not the place for you.
Are you allowed to visit such people?”

I understood this covert fling at the white gentleman who was my friend;
but I merely replied, “I went to visit my friends, and any company they
keep is good enough for me.”

He went on to say, “I have seen very little of you of late, but my
interest in you is unchanged. When I said I would have no more mercy on
you I was rash. I recall my words. Linda, you desire freedom for yourself
and your children, and you can obtain it only through me. If you agree to
what I am about to propose, you and they shall be free. There must be no
communication of any kind between you and their father. I will procure a
cottage, where you and the children can live together. Your labor shall be
light, such as sewing for my family. Think what is offered you, Linda—a
home and freedom! Let the past be forgotten. If I have been harsh with you
at times, your wilfulness drove me to it. You know I exact obedience from
my own children, and I consider you as yet a child.”

He paused for an answer, but I remained silent.

“Why don’t you speak?”
said he. “What more do you wait for?”

“Nothing, sir.”

“Then you accept my offer?”

“No, sir.”

His anger was ready to break loose; but he succeeded in curbing it, and
replied, “You have answered without thought. But I must let you know there
are two sides to my proposition; if you reject the bright side, you will
be obliged to take the dark one. You must either accept my offer, or you
and your children shall be sent to your young master’s plantation, there
to remain till your young mistress is married; and your children shall
fare like the rest of the negro children. I give you a week to consider
of it.”

He was shrewd; but I knew he was not to be trusted. I told him I was ready
to give my answer now.

“I will not receive it now,” he replied. “You act too much from impulse.
Remember that you and your children can be free a week from to-day if you
choose.”

On what a monstrous chance hung the destiny of my children! I knew that my
master’s offer was a snare, and that if I entered it escape would be
impossible. As for his promise, I knew him so well that I was sure if he
gave me free papers, they would be so managed as to have no legal value.
The alternative was inevitable. I resolved to go to the plantation. But
then I thought how completely I should be in his power, and the prospect
was appalling. Even if I should kneel before him, and implore him to spare
me, for the sake of my children, I knew he would spurn me with his foot,
and my weakness would be his triumph.

Before the week expired, I heard that young Mr. Flint was about to be
married to a lady of his own stamp. I foresaw the position I should occupy
in his establishment. I had once been sent to the plantation for
punishment, and fear of the son had induced the father to recall me very
soon. My mind was made up; I was resolved that I would foil my master and
save my children, or I would perish in the attempt. I kept my plans to
myself; I knew that friends would try to dissuade me from them, and I
would not wound their feelings by rejecting their advice.

On the decisive day the doctor came, and said he hoped I had made a wise
choice.

“I am ready to go to the plantation, sir,” I replied.

“Have you thought how important your decision is to your children?” said
he.

I told him I had.

“Very well. Go to the plantation, and my curse go with you,” he replied.
“Your boy shall be put to work, and he shall soon be sold; and your girl
shall be raised for the purpose of selling well. Go your own ways!” He
left the room with curses, not to be repeated.

As I stood rooted to the spot, my grandmother came and said, “Linda,
child, what did you tell him?”

I answered that I was going to the plantation.

“Must you go?” said she. “Can’t something be done to stop it?”

I told her it was useless to try; but she begged me not to give up. She
said she would go to the doctor, and remind him how long and how
faithfully she had served in the family, and how she had taken her own
baby from her breast to nourish his wife. She would tell him I had been
out of the family so long they would not miss me; that she would pay them
for my time, and the money would procure a woman who had more strength for
the situation than I had. I begged her not to go; but she persisted in
saying, “He will listen to me, Linda.” She went, and was treated as
I expected. He coolly listened to what she said, but denied her request.
He told her that what he did was for my good, that my feelings were
entirely above my situation, and that on the plantation I would receive
treatment that was suitable to my behavior.

My grandmother was much cast down. I had my secret hopes; but I must fight
my battle alone. I had a woman’s pride, and a mother’s love for my
children; and I resolved that out of the darkness of this hour a brighter
dawn should rise for them. My master had power and law on his side; I had
a determined will. There is might in each.

XVI. Scenes At The Plantation.

Early the next morning I left my grandmother’s with my youngest child. My
boy was ill, and I left him behind. I had many sad thoughts as the old
wagon jolted on. Hitherto, I had suffered alone; now, my little one was to
be treated as a slave. As we drew near the great house, I thought of the
time when I was formerly sent there out of revenge. I wondered for what
purpose I was now sent. I could not tell. I resolved to obey orders so far
as duty required; but within myself, I determined to make my stay as short
as possible. Mr. Flint was waiting to receive us, and told me to follow
him up stairs to receive orders for the day. My little Ellen was left
below in the kitchen. It was a change for her, who had always been so
carefully tended. My young master said she might amuse herself in the
yard. This was kind of him, since the child was hateful to his sight. My
task was to fit up the house for the reception of the bride. In the midst
of sheets, tablecloths, towels, drapery, and carpeting, my head was as
busy planning, as were my fingers with the needle. At noon I was allowed
to go to Ellen. She had sobbed herself to sleep. I heard Mr. Flint say to
a neighbor, “I’ve got her down here, and I’ll soon take the town notions
out of her head. My father is partly to blame for her nonsense. He ought
to have broke her in long ago.” The remark was made within my hearing, and
it would have been quite as manly to have made it to my face. He had
said things to my face which might, or might not, have surprised his
neighbor if he had known of them. He was “a chip of the old block.”

I resolved to give him no cause to accuse me of being too much of a lady,
so far as work was concerned. I worked day and night, with wretchedness
before me. When I lay down beside my child, I felt how much easier it
would be to see her die than to see her master beat her about, as I daily
saw him beat other little ones. The spirit of the mothers was so crushed
by the lash, that they stood by, without courage to remonstrate. How much
more must I suffer, before I should be “broke in” to that degree?

I wished to appear as contented as possible. Sometimes I had an
opportunity to send a few lines home; and this brought up recollections
that made it difficult, for a time, to seem calm and indifferent to my
lot. Notwithstanding my efforts, I saw that Mr. Flint regarded me with a
suspicious eye. Ellen broke down under the trials of her new life.
Separated from me, with no one to look after her, she wandered about, and
in a few days cried herself sick. One day, she sat under the window where
I was at work, crying that weary cry which makes a mother’s heart bleed. I
was obliged to steel myself to bear it. After a while it ceased. I looked
out, and she was gone. As it was near noon, I ventured to go down in
search of her. The great house was raised two feet above the ground. I
looked under it, and saw her about midway, fast asleep. I crept under and
drew her out. As I held her in my arms, I thought how well it would be for
her if she never waked up; and I uttered my thought aloud. I was startled
to hear some one say, “Did you speak to me?” I looked up, and saw Mr.
Flint standing beside me. He said nothing further, but turned, frowning,
away. That night he sent Ellen a biscuit and a cup of sweetened milk. This
generosity surprised me. I learned afterwards, that in the afternoon he
had killed a large snake, which crept from under the house; and I supposed
that incident had prompted his unusual kindness.

The next morning the old cart was loaded with shingles for town. I put
Ellen into it, and sent her to her grandmother. Mr. Flint said I ought to
have asked his permission. I told him the child was sick, and required
attention which I had no time to give. He let it pass; for he was aware
that I had accomplished much work in a little time.

I had been three weeks on the plantation, when I planned a visit home. It
must be at night, after every body was in bed. I was six miles from town,
and the road was very dreary. I was to go with a young man, who, I knew,
often stole to town to see his mother. One night, when all was quiet, we
started. Fear gave speed to our steps, and we were not long in performing
the journey. I arrived at my grandmother’s. Her bed room was on the first
floor, and the window was open, the weather being warm. I spoke to her and
she awoke. She let me in and closed the window, lest some late passer-by
should see me. A light was brought, and the whole household gathered round
me, some smiling and some crying. I went to look at my children, and
thanked God for their happy sleep. The tears fell as I leaned over them.
As I moved to leave, Benny stirred. I turned back, and whispered, “Mother
is here.” After digging at his eyes with his little fist, they opened, and
he sat up in bed, looking at me curiously. Having satisfied himself that
it was I, he exclaimed, “O mother! you ain’t dead, are you? They didn’t cut
off your head at the plantation, did they?”

My time was up too soon, and my guide was waiting for me. I laid Benny
back in his bed, and dried his tears by a promise to come again soon.
Rapidly we retraced our steps back to the plantation. About half way we
were met by a company of four patrols. Luckily we heard their horse’s
hoofs before they came in sight, and we had time to hide behind a large
tree. They passed, hallooing and shouting in a manner that indicated a
recent carousal. How thankful we were that they had not their dogs with
them! We hastened our footsteps, and when we arrived on the plantation we
heard the sound of the hand-mill. The slaves were grinding their corn. We
were safely in the house before the horn summoned them to their labor. I
divided my little parcel of food with my guide, knowing that he had lost
the chance of grinding his corn, and must toil all day in the field.

Mr. Flint often took an inspection of the house, to see that no one was
idle. The entire management of the work was trusted to me, because he knew
nothing about it; and rather than hire a superintendent he contented
himself with my arrangements. He had often urged upon his father the
necessity of having me at the plantation to take charge of his affairs,
and make clothes for the slaves; but the old man knew him too well to
consent to that arrangement.

When I had been working a month at the plantation, the great aunt of Mr.
Flint came to make him a visit. This was the good old lady who paid fifty
dollars for my grandmother, for the purpose of making her free, when she
stood on the auction block. My grandmother loved this old lady, whom we
all called Miss Fanny. She often came to take tea with us. On such
occasions the table was spread with a snow-white cloth, and the china cups
and silver spoons were taken from the old-fashioned buffet. There were hot
muffins, tea rusks, and delicious sweetmeats. My grandmother kept two
cows, and the fresh cream was Miss Fanny’s delight. She invariably
declared that it was the best in town. The old ladies had cosey times
together. They would work and chat, and sometimes, while talking over old
times, their spectacles would get dim with tears, and would have to be
taken off and wiped. When Miss Fanny bade us good by, her bag was filled
with grandmother’s best cakes, and she was urged to come again soon.

There had been a time when Dr. Flint’s wife came to take tea with us, and
when her children were also sent to have a feast of “Aunt Marthy’s” nice
cooking. But after I became an object of her jealousy and spite, she was
angry with grandmother for giving a shelter to me and my children. She
would not even speak to her in the street. This wounded my grandmother’s
feelings, for she could not retain ill will against the woman whom she had
nourished with her milk when a babe. The doctor’s wife would gladly have
prevented our intercourse with Miss Fanny if she could have done it, but
fortunately she was not dependent on the bounty of the Flints. She had
enough to be independent; and that is more than can ever be gained from
charity, however lavish it may be.

Miss Fanny was endeared to me by many recollections, and I was rejoiced to
see her at the plantation. The warmth of her large, loyal heart made the
house seem pleasanter while she was in it. She staid a week, and I had
many talks with her. She said her principal object in coming was to see
how I was treated, and whether any thing could be done for me. She
inquired whether she could help me in any way. I told her I believed not.
She condoled with me in her own peculiar way; saying she wished that I and
all my grandmother’s family were at rest in our graves, for not until then
should she feel any peace about us. The good old soul did not dream that I
was planning to bestow peace upon her, with regard to myself and my
children; not by death, but by securing our freedom.

Again and again I had traversed those dreary twelve miles, to and from the
town; and all the way, I was meditating upon some means of escape for
myself and my children. My friends had made every effort that ingenuity
could devise to effect our purchase, but all their plans had proved
abortive. Dr. Flint was suspicious, and determined not to loosen his grasp
upon us. I could have made my escape alone; but it was more for my
helpless children than for myself that I longed for freedom. Though the
boon would have been precious to me, above all price, I would not have
taken it at the expense of leaving them in slavery. Every trial I endured,
every sacrifice I made for their sakes, drew them closer to my heart, and
gave me fresh courage to beat back the dark waves that rolled and rolled
over me in a seemingly endless night of storms.

The six weeks were nearly completed, when Mr. Flint’s bride was expected
to take possession of her new home. The arrangements were all completed,
and Mr. Flint said I had done well. He expected to leave home on Saturday,
and return with his bride the following Wednesday. After receiving various
orders from him, I ventured to ask permission to spend Sunday in town. It
was granted; for which favor I was thankful. It was the first I had ever
asked of him, and I intended it should be the last. It needed more than one
night to accomplish the project I had in view; but the whole of Sunday
would give me an opportunity. I spent the Sabbath with my grandmother. A
calmer, more beautiful day never came down out of heaven. To me it was a
day of conflicting emotions. Perhaps it was the last day I should ever
spend under that dear, old sheltering roof! Perhaps these were the last
talks I should ever have with the faithful old friend of my whole life!
Perhaps it was the last time I and my children should be together! Well,
better so, I thought, than that they should be slaves. I knew the doom
that awaited my fair baby in slavery, and I determined to save her from
it, or perish in the attempt. I went to make this vow at the graves of my
poor parents, in the burying-ground of the slaves. “There the wicked cease
from troubling, and there the weary be at rest. There the prisoners rest
together; they hear not the voice of the oppressor; the servant is free
from his master.” I knelt by the graves of my parents, and thanked God, as
I had often done before, that they had not lived to witness my trials, or
to mourn over my sins. I had received my mother’s blessing when she died;
and in many an hour of tribulation I had seemed to hear her voice,
sometimes chiding me, sometimes whispering loving words into my wounded
heart. I have shed many and bitter tears, to think that when I am gone
from my children they cannot remember me with such entire satisfaction as
I remembered my mother.

The graveyard was in the woods, and twilight was coming on. Nothing broke
the death-like stillness except the occasional twitter of a bird. My
spirit was overawed by the solemnity of the scene. For more than ten years
I had frequented this spot, but never had it seemed to me so sacred as
now. A black stump, at the head of my mother’s grave, was all that
remained of a tree my father had planted. His grave was marked by a small
wooden board, bearing his name, the letters of which were nearly
obliterated. I knelt down and kissed them, and poured forth a prayer to
God for guidance and support in the perilous step I was about to take. As
I passed the wreck of the old meeting house, where, before Nat Turner’s
time, the slaves had been allowed to meet for worship, I seemed to hear my
father’s voice come from it, bidding me not to tarry till I reached
freedom or the grave. I rushed on with renovated hopes. My trust in God
had been strengthened by that prayer among the graves.

My plan was to conceal myself at the house of a friend, and remain there a
few weeks till the search was over. My hope was that the doctor would get
discouraged, and, for fear of losing my value, and also of subsequently
finding my children among the missing, he would consent to sell us; and I
knew somebody would buy us. I had done all in my power to make my children
comfortable during the time I expected to be separated from them. I was
packing my things, when grandmother came into the room, and asked what I
was doing. “I am putting my things in order,” I replied. I tried to look
and speak cheerfully; but her watchful eye detected something beneath the
surface. She drew me towards her, and asked me to sit down. She looked
earnestly at me, and said, “Linda, do you want to kill your old
grandmother? Do you mean to leave your little, helpless children? I am old
now, and cannot do for your babies as I once did for you.”

I replied, that if I went away, perhaps their father would be able to
secure their freedom.

“Ah, my child,” said she, “don’t trust too much to him. Stand by your own
children, and suffer with them till death. Nobody respects a mother who
forsakes her children; and if you leave them, you will never have a happy
moment. If you go, you will make me miserable the short time I have to
live. You would be taken and brought back, and your sufferings would be
dreadful. Remember poor Benjamin. Do give it up, Linda. Try to bear a
little longer. Things may turn out better than we expect.”

My courage failed me, in view of the sorrow I should bring on that
faithful, loving old heart. I promised that I would try longer, and that I
would take nothing out of her house without her knowledge.

Whenever the children climbed on my knee, or laid their heads on my lap,
she would say, “Poor little souls! what would you do without a mother? She
don’t love you as I do.” And she would hug them to her own bosom, as if to
reproach me for my want of affection; but she knew all the while that I
loved them better than my life. I slept with her that night, and it was
the last time. The memory of it haunted me for many a year.

On Monday I returned to the plantation, and busied myself with
preparations for the important day. Wednesday came. It was a beautiful
day, and the faces of the slaves were as bright as the sunshine. The poor
creatures were merry. They were expecting little presents from the bride,
and hoping for better times under her administration. I had no such hopes
for them. I knew that the young wives of slaveholders often thought their
authority and importance would be best established and maintained by
cruelty; and what I had heard of young Mrs. Flint gave me no reason to
expect that her rule over them would be less severe than that of the
master and overseer. Truly, the colored race are the most cheerful and
forgiving people on the face of the earth. That their masters sleep in
safety is owing to their superabundance of heart; and yet they look upon
their sufferings with less pity than they would bestow on those of a horse
or a dog.

I stood at the door with others to receive the bridegroom and bride. She
was a handsome, delicate-looking girl, and her face flushed with emotion
at sight of her new home. I thought it likely that visions of a happy
future were rising before her. It made me sad; for I knew how soon clouds
would come over her sunshine. She examined every part of the house, and
told me she was delighted with the arrangements I had made. I was afraid
old Mrs. Flint had tried to prejudice her against me, and I did my best to
please her.

All passed off smoothly for me until dinner time arrived. I did not mind
the embarrassment of waiting on a dinner party, for the first time in my
life, half so much as I did the meeting with Dr. Flint and his wife, who
would be among the guests. It was a mystery to me why Mrs. Flint had not
made her appearance at the plantation during all the time I was putting
the house in order. I had not met her, face to face, for five years, and I
had no wish to see her now. She was a praying woman, and, doubtless,
considered my present position a special answer to her prayers. Nothing
could please her better than to see me humbled and trampled upon. I was
just where she would have me—in the power of a hard, unprincipled
master. She did not speak to me when she took her seat at table; but her
satisfied, triumphant smile, when I handed her plate, was more eloquent
than words. The old doctor was not so quiet in his demonstrations. He
ordered me here and there, and spoke with peculiar emphasis when he said
“your mistress.” I was drilled like a disgraced soldier. When all
was over, and the last key turned, I sought my pillow, thankful that God
had appointed a season of rest for the weary.

The next day my new mistress began her housekeeping. I was not exactly
appointed maid of all work; but I was to do whatever I was told. Monday
evening came. It was always a busy time. On that night the slaves received
their weekly allowance of food. Three pounds of meat, a peck of corn, and
perhaps a dozen herring were allowed to each man. Women received a pound
and a half of meat, a peck of corn, and the same number of herring.
Children over twelve years old had half the allowance of the women. The
meat was cut and weighed by the foreman of the field hands, and piled on
planks before the meat house. Then the second foreman went behind the
building, and when the first foreman called out, “Who takes this piece of
meat?” he answered by calling somebody’s name. This method was resorted to
as a means of preventing partiality in distributing the meat. The young
mistress came out to see how things were done on her plantation, and she
soon gave a specimen of her character. Among those in waiting for their
allowance was a very old slave, who had faithfully served the Flint family
through three generations. When he hobbled up to get his bit of meat, the
mistress said he was too old to have any allowance; that when niggers were
too old to work, they ought to be fed on grass. Poor old man! He suffered
much before he found rest in the grave.

My mistress and I got along very well together. At the end of a week, old
Mrs. Flint made us another visit, and was closeted a long time with her
daughter-in-law. I had my suspicions what was the subject of the
conference. The old doctor’s wife had been informed that I could leave the
plantation on one condition, and she was very desirous to keep me there.
If she had trusted me, as I deserved to be trusted by her, she would have
had no fears of my accepting that condition. When she entered her carriage
to return home, she said to young Mrs. Flint, “Don’t neglect to send for
them as quick as possible.” My heart was on the watch all the time, and I
at once concluded that she spoke of my children. The doctor came the next
day, and as I entered the room to spread the tea table, I heard him say,
“Don’t wait any longer. Send for them to-morrow.” I saw through the plan.
They thought my children’s being there would fetter me to the spot, and
that it was a good place to break us all in to abject submission to our
lot as slaves. After the doctor left, a gentleman called, who had always
manifested friendly feelings towards my grandmother and her family. Mr.
Flint carried him over the plantation to show him the results of labor
performed by men and women who were unpaid, miserably clothed, and half
famished. The cotton crop was all they thought of. It was duly admired,
and the gentleman returned with specimens to show his friends. I was
ordered to carry water to wash his hands. As I did so, he said, “Linda,
how do you like your new home?” I told him I liked it as well as I
expected. He replied, “They don’t think you are contented, and to-morrow
they are going to bring your children to be with you. I am sorry for you,
Linda. I hope they will treat you kindly.” I hurried from the room, unable
to thank him. My suspicions were correct. My children were to be brought
to the plantation to be “broke in.”

To this day I feel grateful to the gentleman who gave me this timely
information. It nerved me to immediate action.

XVII. The Flight.

Mr. Flint was hard pushed for house servants, and rather than lose me he
had restrained his malice. I did my work faithfully, though not, of
course, with a willing mind. They were evidently afraid I should leave
them. Mr. Flint wished that I should sleep in the great house instead of
the servants’ quarters. His wife agreed to the proposition, but said I
mustn’t bring my bed into the house, because it would scatter feathers on
her carpet. I knew when I went there that they would never think of such a
thing as furnishing a bed of any kind for me and my little one. I
therefore carried my own bed, and now I was forbidden to use it. I did as
I was ordered. But now that I was certain my children were to be put in
their power, in order to give them a stronger hold on me, I resolved to
leave them that night. I remembered the grief this step would bring upon
my dear old grandmother; and nothing less than the freedom of my children
would have induced me to disregard her advice. I went about my evening
work with trembling steps. Mr. Flint twice called from his chamber door to
inquire why the house was not locked up. I replied that I had not done my
work. “You have had time enough to do it,” said he. “Take care how you
answer me!”

I shut all the windows, locked all the doors, and went up to the third
story, to wait till midnight. How long those hours seemed, and how
fervently I prayed that God would not forsake me in this hour of utmost
need! I was about to risk every thing on the throw of a die; and if I
failed, O what would become of me and my poor children? They would be made
to suffer for my fault.

At half past twelve I stole softly down stairs. I stopped on the second
floor, thinking I heard a noise. I felt my way down into the parlor, and
looked out of the window. The night was so intensely dark that I could see
nothing. I raised the window very softly and jumped out. Large drops of
rain were falling, and the darkness bewildered me. I dropped on my knees,
and breathed a short prayer to God for guidance and protection. I groped
my way to the road, and rushed towards the town with almost lightning
speed. I arrived at my grandmother’s house, but dared not see her. She
would say, “Linda, you are killing me;” and I knew that would unnerve me.
I tapped softly at the window of a room, occupied by a woman, who had
lived in the house several years. I knew she was a faithful friend, and
could be trusted with my secret. I tapped several times before she heard
me. At last she raised the window, and I whispered, “Sally, I have run
away. Let me in, quick.” She opened the door softly, and said in low
tones, “For God’s sake, don’t. Your grandmother is trying to buy you and
de chillern. Mr. Sands was here last week. He tole her he was going away
on business, but he wanted her to go ahead about buying you and de
chillern, and he would help her all he could. Don’t run away, Linda. Your
grandmother is all bowed down wid trouble now.”

I replied, “Sally, they are going to carry my children to the plantation
to-morrow; and they will never sell them to any body so long as they have
me in their power. Now, would you advise me to go back?”

“No, chile, no,” answered she. “When dey finds you is gone, dey won’t want
de plague ob de chillern; but where is you going to hide? Dey knows ebery
inch ob dis house.”

I told her I had a hiding-place, and that was all it was best for her to
know. I asked her to go into my room as soon as it was light, and take all
my clothes out of my trunk, and pack them in hers; for I knew Mr. Flint
and the constable would be there early to search my room. I feared the
sight of my children would be too much for my full heart; but I could not
go out into the uncertain future without one last look. I bent over the bed
where lay my little Benny and baby Ellen. Poor little ones! fatherless and
motherless! Memories of their father came over me. He wanted to be kind to
them; but they were not all to him, as they were to my womanly heart. I
knelt and prayed for the innocent little sleepers. I kissed them lightly,
and turned away.

As I was about to open the street door, Sally laid her hand on my
shoulder, and said, “Linda, is you gwine all alone? Let me call your
uncle.”

“No, Sally,” I replied, “I want no one to be brought into trouble on my
account.”

I went forth into the darkness and rain. I ran on till I came to the house
of the friend who was to conceal me.

Early the next morning Mr. Flint was at my grandmother’s inquiring for me.
She told him she had not seen me, and supposed I was at the plantation. He
watched her face narrowly, and said, “Don’t you know any thing about her
running off?” She assured him that she did not. He went on to say, “Last
night she ran off without the least provocation. We had treated her very
kindly. My wife liked her. She will soon be found and brought back. Are
her children with you?” When told that they were, he said, “I am very glad
to hear that. If they are here, she cannot be far off. If I find out that
any of my niggers have had any thing to do with this damned business, I’ll
give ’em five hundred lashes.” As he started to go to his father’s, he
turned round and added, persuasively, “Let her be brought back, and she
shall have her children to live with her.”

The tidings made the old doctor rave and storm at a furious rate. It was a
busy day for them. My grandmother’s house was searched from top to bottom.
As my trunk was empty, they concluded I had taken my clothes with me.
Before ten o’clock every vessel northward bound was thoroughly examined,
and the law against harboring fugitives was read to all on board. At night
a watch was set over the town. Knowing how distressed my grandmother would
be, I wanted to send her a message; but it could not be done. Every one
who went in or out of her house was closely watched. The doctor said he
would take my children, unless she became responsible for them; which of
course she willingly did. The next day was spent in searching. Before
night, the following advertisement was posted at every corner, and in
every public place for miles round:—

“$300 Reward! Ran away from the subscriber, an intelligent, bright, mulatto
girl, named Linda, 21 years of age. Five feet four inches high. Dark eyes,
and black hair inclined to curl; but it can be made straight. Has a
decayed spot on a front tooth. She can read and write, and in all
probability will try to get to the Free States. All persons are forbidden,
under penalty of the law, to harbor or employ said slave. $150 will be given
to whoever takes her in the state, and $300 if taken out of the state and
delivered to me, or lodged in jail.

Dr. Flint.”

XVIII. Months Of Peril.

The search for me was kept up with more perseverance than I had
anticipated. I began to think that escape was impossible. I was in great
anxiety lest I should implicate the friend who harbored me. I knew the
consequences would be frightful; and much as I dreaded being caught, even
that seemed better than causing an innocent person to suffer for kindness
to me. A week had passed in terrible suspense, when my pursuers came into
such close vicinity that I concluded they had tracked me to my
hiding-place. I flew out of the house, and concealed myself in a thicket
of bushes. There I remained in an agony of fear for two hours. Suddenly, a
reptile of some kind seized my leg. In my fright, I struck a blow which
loosened its hold, but I could not tell whether I had killed it; it was so
dark, I could not see what it was; I only knew it was something cold and
slimy. The pain I felt soon indicated that the bite was poisonous. I was
compelled to leave my place of concealment, and I groped my way back into
the house. The pain had become intense, and my friend was startled by my
look of anguish. I asked her to prepare a poultice of warm ashes and
vinegar, and I applied it to my leg, which was already much swollen. The
application gave me some relief, but the swelling did not abate. The dread
of being disabled was greater than the physical pain I endured. My friend
asked an old woman, who doctored among the slaves, what was good for the
bite of a snake or a lizard. She told her to steep a dozen coppers in
vinegar, over night, and apply the cankered vinegar to the inflamed part.
1

1 The poison of a snake is a
powerful acid, and is counteracted by powerful alkalies, such as potash,
ammonia, &c. The Indians are accustomed to apply wet ashes, or plunge
the limb into strong lie. White men, employed to lay out railroads in
snaky places, often carry ammonia with them as an antidote.—Editor.

I had succeeded in cautiously conveying some messages to my relatives.
They were harshly threatened, and despairing of my having a chance to
escape, they advised me to return to my master, ask his forgiveness, and
let him make an example of me. But such counsel had no influence with me.
When I started upon this hazardous undertaking, I had resolved that, come
what would, there should be no turning back. “Give me liberty, or give me
death,” was my motto. When my friend contrived to make known to my
relatives the painful situation I had been in for twenty-four hours, they
said no more about my going back to my master. Something must be done, and
that speedily; but where to turn for help, they knew not. God in his
mercy raised up “a friend in need.”

Among the ladies who were acquainted with my grandmother, was one who had
known her from childhood, and always been very friendly to her. She had
also known my mother and her children, and felt interested for them. At
this crisis of affairs she called to see my grandmother, as she not
unfrequently did. She observed the sad and troubled expression of her
face, and asked if she knew where Linda was, and whether she was safe. My
grandmother shook her head, without answering. “Come, Aunt Martha,” said
the kind lady, “tell me all about it. Perhaps I can do something to help
you.” The husband of this lady held many slaves, and bought and sold
slaves. She also held a number in her own name; but she treated them
kindly, and would never allow any of them to be sold. She was unlike the
majority of slaveholders’ wives. My grandmother looked earnestly at her.
Something in the expression of her face said “Trust me!” and she did trust
her. She listened attentively to the details of my story, and sat thinking
for a while. At last she said, “Aunt Martha, I pity you both. If you think
there is any chance of Linda’s getting to the Free States, I will conceal
her for a time. But first you must solemnly promise that my name shall
never be mentioned. If such a thing should become known, it would ruin me
and my family. No one in my house must know of it, except the cook. She is
so faithful that I would trust my own life with her; and I know she likes
Linda. It is a great risk; but I trust no harm will come of it. Get word
to Linda to be ready as soon as it is dark, before the patrols are out. I
will send the housemaids on errands, and Betty shall go to meet Linda.”
The place where we were to meet was designated and agreed upon. My
grandmother was unable to thank the lady for this noble deed; overcome by
her emotions, she sank on her knees and sobbed like a child.

I received a message to leave my friend’s house at such an hour, and go to
a certain place where a friend would be waiting for me. As a matter of
prudence no names were mentioned. I had no means of conjecturing who I was
to meet, or where I was going. I did not like to move thus blindfolded,
but I had no choice. It would not do for me to remain where I was. I
disguised myself, summoned up courage to meet the worst, and went to the
appointed place. My friend Betty was there; she was the last person I
expected to see. We hurried along in silence. The pain in my leg was so
intense that it seemed as if I should drop; but fear gave me strength. We
reached the house and entered unobserved. Her first words were: “Honey,
now you is safe. Dem devils ain’t coming to search dis house. When
I get you into missis’ safe place, I will bring some nice hot supper. I
specs you need it after all dis skeering.” Betty’s vocation led her to
think eating the most important thing in life. She did not realize that my
heart was too full for me to care much about supper.

The mistress came to meet us, and led me up stairs to a small room over
her own sleeping apartment. “You will be safe here, Linda,” said she; “I
keep this room to store away things that are out of use. The girls are not
accustomed to be sent to it, and they will not suspect any thing unless
they hear some noise. I always keep it locked, and Betty shall take care
of the key. But you must be very careful, for my sake as well as your own;
and you must never tell my secret; for it would ruin me and my family. I
will keep the girls busy in the morning, that Betty may have a chance to
bring your breakfast; but it will not do for her to come to you again till
night. I will come to see you sometimes. Keep up your courage. I hope this
state of things will not last long.” Betty came with the “nice hot
supper,” and the mistress hastened down stairs to keep things straight
till she returned. How my heart overflowed with gratitude! Words choked in
my throat; but I could have kissed the feet of my benefactress. For that
deed of Christian womanhood, may God forever bless her!

I went to sleep that night with the feeling that I was for the present the
most fortunate slave in town. Morning came and filled my little cell with
light. I thanked the heavenly Father for this safe retreat. Opposite my
window was a pile of feather beds. On the top of these I could lie
perfectly concealed, and command a view of the street through which Dr.
Flint passed to his office. Anxious as I was, I felt a gleam of
satisfaction when I saw him. Thus far I had outwitted him, and I triumphed
over it. Who can blame slaves for being cunning? They are constantly
compelled to resort to it. It is the only weapon of the weak and oppressed
against the strength of their tyrants.

I was daily hoping to hear that my master had sold my children; for I knew
who was on the watch to buy them. But Dr. Flint cared even more for
revenge than he did for money. My brother William, and the good aunt who
had served in his family twenty years, and my little Benny, and Ellen, who
was a little over two years old, were thrust into jail, as a means of
compelling my relatives to give some information about me. He swore my
grandmother should never see one of them again till I was brought back.
They kept these facts from me for several days. When I heard that my
little ones were in a loathsome jail, my first impulse was to go to them.
I was encountering dangers for the sake of freeing them, and must I be the
cause of their death? The thought was agonizing. My benefactress tried to
soothe me by telling me that my aunt would take good care of the children
while they remained in jail. But it added to my pain to think that the
good old aunt, who had always been so kind to her sister’s orphan
children, should be shut up in prison for no other crime than loving them.
I suppose my friends feared a reckless movement on my part, knowing, as
they did, that my life was bound up in my children. I received a note from
my brother William. It was scarcely legible, and ran thus: “Wherever you
are, dear sister, I beg of you not to come here. We are all much better
off than you are. If you come, you will ruin us all. They would force you
to tell where you had been, or they would kill you. Take the advice of
your friends; if not for the sake of me and your children, at least for
the sake of those you would ruin.”

Poor William! He also must suffer for being my brother. I took his advice
and kept quiet. My aunt was taken out of jail at the end of a month,
because Mrs. Flint could not spare her any longer. She was tired of being
her own housekeeper. It was quite too fatiguing to order her dinner and
eat it too. My children remained in jail, where brother William did all he
could for their comfort. Betty went to see them sometimes, and brought me
tidings. She was not permitted to enter the jail; but William would hold
them up to the grated window while she chatted with them. When she
repeated their prattle, and told me how they wanted to see their ma, my
tears would flow. Old Betty would exclaim, “Lors, chile! what’s you crying
’bout? Dem young uns vil kill you dead. Don’t be so chick’n hearted! If
you does, you vil nebber git thro’ dis world.”

Good old soul! She had gone through the world childless. She had never had
little ones to clasp their arms round her neck; she had never seen their
soft eyes looking into hers; no sweet little voices had called her mother;
she had never pressed her own infants to her heart, with the feeling that
even in fetters there was something to live for. How could she realize my
feelings? Betty’s husband loved children dearly, and wondered why God had
denied them to him. He expressed great sorrow when he came to Betty with
the tidings that Ellen had been taken out of jail and carried to Dr.
Flint’s. She had the measles a short time before they carried her to jail,
and the disease had left her eyes affected. The doctor had taken her home
to attend to them. My children had always been afraid of the doctor and
his wife. They had never been inside of their house. Poor little Ellen
cried all day to be carried back to prison. The instincts of childhood are
true. She knew she was loved in the jail. Her screams and sobs annoyed
Mrs. Flint. Before night she called one of the slaves, and said, “Here,
Bill, carry this brat back to the jail. I can’t stand her noise. If she
would be quiet I should like to keep the little minx. She would make a
handy waiting-maid for my daughter by and by. But if she staid here, with
her white face, I suppose I should either kill her or spoil her. I hope
the doctor will sell them as far as wind and water can carry them. As for
their mother, her ladyship will find out yet what she gets by running
away. She hasn’t so much feeling for her children as a cow has for its
calf. If she had, she would have come back long ago, to get them out of
jail, and save all this expense and trouble. The good-for-nothing hussy!
When she is caught, she shall stay in jail, in irons, for one six months,
and then be sold to a sugar plantation. I shall see her broke in yet. What
do you stand there for, Bill? Why don’t you go off with the brat? Mind,
now, that you don’t let any of the niggers speak to her in the street!”

When these remarks were reported to me, I smiled at Mrs. Flint’s saying
that she should either kill my child or spoil her. I thought to myself
there was very little danger of the latter. I have always considered it as
one of God’s special providences that Ellen screamed till she was carried
back to jail.

That same night Dr. Flint was called to a patient, and did not return till
near morning. Passing my grandmother’s, he saw a light in the house, and
thought to himself, “Perhaps this has something to do with Linda.” He
knocked, and the door was opened. “What calls you up so early?” said he.
“I saw your light, and I thought I would just stop and tell you that I
have found out where Linda is. I know where to put my hands on her, and I
shall have her before twelve o’clock.” When he had turned away, my
grandmother and my uncle looked anxiously at each other. They did not know
whether or not it was merely one of the doctor’s tricks to frighten them.
In their uncertainty, they thought it was best to have a message conveyed
to my friend Betty. Unwilling to alarm her mistress, Betty resolved to
dispose of me herself. She came to me, and told me to rise and dress
quickly. We hurried down stairs, and across the yard, into the kitchen.
She locked the door, and lifted up a plank in the floor. A buffalo skin
and a bit of carpet were spread for me to lie on, and a quilt thrown over
me. “Stay dar,” said she, “till I sees if dey know ’bout you. Dey say dey
vil put thar hans on you afore twelve o’clock. If dey did know whar
you are, dey won’t know now. Dey’ll be disapinted dis time. Dat’s
all I got to say. If dey comes rummagin ’mong my tings, dey’ll get
one bressed sarssin from dis ’ere nigger.” In my shallow bed I had but
just room enough to bring my hands to my face to keep the dust out of my
eyes; for Betty walked over me twenty times in an hour, passing from the
dresser to the fireplace. When she was alone, I could hear her pronouncing
anathemas over Dr. Flint and all his tribe, every now and then saying,
with a chuckling laugh, “Dis nigger’s too cute for ’em dis time.” When the
housemaids were about, she had sly ways of drawing them out, that I might
hear what they would say. She would repeat stories she had heard about my
being in this, or that, or the other place. To which they would answer,
that I was not fool enough to be staying round there; that I was in
Philadelphia or New York before this time. When all were abed and asleep,
Betty raised the plank, and said, “Come out, chile; come out. Dey don’t
know nottin ’bout you. ’Twas only white folks’ lies, to skeer de niggers.”

Some days after this adventure I had a much worse fright. As I sat very
still in my retreat above stairs, cheerful visions floated through my
mind. I thought Dr. Flint would soon get discouraged, and would be willing
to sell my children, when he lost all hopes of making them the means of my
discovery. I knew who was ready to buy them. Suddenly I heard a voice that
chilled my blood. The sound was too familiar to me, it had been too
dreadful, for me not to recognize at once my old master. He was in the
house, and I at once concluded he had come to seize me. I looked round in
terror. There was no way of escape. The voice receded. I supposed the
constable was with him, and they were searching the house. In my alarm I
did not forget the trouble I was bringing on my generous benefactress. It
seemed as if I were born to bring sorrow on all who befriended me, and
that was the bitterest drop in the bitter cup of my life. After a while I
heard approaching footsteps; the key was turned in my door. I braced
myself against the wall to keep from falling. I ventured to look up, and
there stood my kind benefactress alone. I was too much overcome to speak,
and sunk down upon the floor.

“I thought you would hear your master’s voice,” she said; “and knowing you
would be terrified, I came to tell you there is nothing to fear. You may
even indulge in a laugh at the old gentleman’s expense. He is so sure you
are in New York, that he came to borrow five hundred dollars to go in
pursuit of you. My sister had some money to loan on interest. He has
obtained it, and proposes to start for New York to-night. So, for the
present, you see you are safe. The doctor will merely lighten his pocket
hunting after the bird he has left behind.”

XIX. The Children Sold.

The Doctor came back from New York, of course without accomplishing his
purpose. He had expended considerable money, and was rather disheartened.
My brother and the children had now been in jail two months, and that also
was some expense. My friends thought it was a favorable time to work on
his discouraged feelings. Mr. Sands sent a speculator to offer him nine
hundred dollars for my brother William, and eight hundred for the two
children. These were high prices, as slaves were then selling; but the
offer was rejected. If it had been merely a question of money, the doctor
would have sold any boy of Benny’s age for two hundred dollars; but he
could not bear to give up the power of revenge. But he was hard pressed
for money, and he revolved the matter in his mind. He knew that if he
could keep Ellen till she was fifteen, he could sell her for a high price;
but I presume he reflected that she might die, or might be stolen away. At
all events, he came to the conclusion that he had better accept the
slave-trader’s offer. Meeting him in the street, he inquired when he would
leave town. “To-day, at ten o’clock,” he replied. “Ah, do you go so soon?”
said the doctor; “I have been reflecting upon your proposition, and I have
concluded to let you have the three negroes if you will say nineteen
hundred dollars.” After some parley, the trader agreed to his terms. He
wanted the bill of sale drawn up and signed immediately, as he had a great
deal to attend to during the short time he remained in town. The doctor
went to the jail and told William he would take him back into his service
if he would promise to behave himself; but he replied that he would rather
be sold. “And you shall be sold, you ungrateful rascal!” exclaimed
the doctor. In less than an hour the money was paid, the papers were
signed, sealed, and delivered, and my brother and children were in the
hands of the trader.

It was a hurried transaction; and after it was over, the doctor’s
characteristic caution returned. He went back to the speculator, and said,
“Sir, I have come to lay you under obligations of a thousand dollars not
to sell any of those negroes in this state.” “You come too late,” replied
the trader; “our bargain is closed.” He had, in fact, already sold them to
Mr. Sands, but he did not mention it. The doctor required him to put irons
on “that rascal, Bill,” and to pass through the back streets when he took
his gang out of town. The trader was privately instructed to concede to
his wishes. My good old aunt went to the jail to bid the children good by,
supposing them to be the speculator’s property, and that she should never
see them again. As she held Benny in her lap, he said, “Aunt Nancy, I want
to show you something.” He led her to the door and showed her a long row
of marks, saying, “Uncle Will taught me to count. I have made a mark for
every day I have been here, and it is sixty days. It is a long time; and
the speculator is going to take me and Ellen away. He’s a bad man. It’s
wrong for him to take grandmother’s children. I want to go to my mother.”

My grandmother was told that the children would be restored to her, but
she was requested to act as if they were really to be sent away.
Accordingly, she made up a bundle of clothes and went to the jail. When
she arrived, she found William handcuffed among the gang, and the children
in the trader’s cart. The scene seemed too much like reality. She was
afraid there might have been some deception or mistake. She fainted, and
was carried home.

When the wagon stopped at the hotel, several gentlemen came out and
proposed to purchase William, but the trader refused their offers, without
stating that he was already sold. And now came the trying hour for that
drove of human beings, driven away like cattle, to be sold they knew not
where. Husbands were torn from wives, parents from children, never to look
upon each other again this side the grave. There was wringing of hands and
cries of despair.

Dr. Flint had the supreme satisfaction of seeing the wagon leave town, and
Mrs. Flint had the gratification of supposing that my children were going
“as far as wind and water would carry them.” According to agreement, my
uncle followed the wagon some miles, until they came to an old farm house.
There the trader took the irons from William, and as he did so, he said,
“You are a damned clever fellow. I should like to own you myself. Them
gentlemen that wanted to buy you said you was a bright, honest chap, and I
must git you a good home. I guess your old master will swear to-morrow,
and call himself an old fool for selling the children. I reckon he’ll
never git their mammy back agin. I expect she’s made tracks for the
north. Good by, old boy. Remember, I have done you a good turn. You must
thank me by coaxing all the pretty gals to go with me next fall. That’s
going to be my last trip. This trading in niggers is a bad business for a
fellow that’s got any heart. Move on, you fellows!” And the gang went on,
God alone knows where.

Much as I despise and detest the class of slave-traders, whom I regard as
the vilest wretches on earth, I must do this man the justice to say that
he seemed to have some feeling. He took a fancy to William in the jail,
and wanted to buy him. When he heard the story of my children, he was
willing to aid them in getting out of Dr. Flint’s power, even without
charging the customary fee.

My uncle procured a wagon and carried William and the children back to
town. Great was the joy in my grandmother’s house! The curtains were
closed, and the candles lighted. The happy grandmother cuddled the little
ones to her bosom. They hugged her, and kissed her, and clapped their
hands, and shouted. She knelt down and poured forth one of her heartfelt
prayers of thanksgiving to God. The father was present for a while; and
though such a “parental relation” as existed between him and my children
takes slight hold of the hearts or consciences of slaveholders, it must be
that he experienced some moments of pure joy in witnessing the happiness
he had imparted.

I had no share in the rejoicings of that evening. The events of the day
had not come to my knowledge. And now I will tell you something that
happened to me; though you will, perhaps, think it illustrates the
superstition of slaves. I sat in my usual place on the floor near the
window, where I could hear much that was said in the street without being
seen. The family had retired for the night, and all was still. I sat there
thinking of my children, when I heard a low strain of music. A band of
serenaders were under the window, playing “Home, sweet home.” I listened
till the sounds did not seem like music, but like the moaning of children.
It seemed as if my heart would burst. I rose from my sitting posture, and
knelt. A streak of moonlight was on the floor before me, and in the midst
of it appeared the forms of my two children. They vanished; but I had seen
them distinctly. Some will call it a dream, others a vision. I know not
how to account for it, but it made a strong impression on my mind, and I
felt certain something had happened to my little ones.

I had not seen Betty since morning. Now I heard her softly turning the
key. As soon as she entered, I clung to her, and begged her to let me know
whether my children were dead, or whether they were sold; for I had seen
their spirits in my room, and I was sure something had happened to them.
“Lor, chile,” said she, putting her arms round me, “you’s got de
high-sterics. I’ll sleep wid you to-night, ’cause you’ll make a noise, and
ruin missis. Something has stirred you up mightily. When you is done
cryin, I’ll talk wid you. De chillern is well, and mighty happy. I seed
’em myself. Does dat satisfy you? Dar, chile, be still! Somebody vill hear
you.” I tried to obey her. She lay down, and was soon sound asleep; but no
sleep would come to my eyelids.

At dawn, Betty was up and off to the kitchen. The hours passed on, and the
vision of the night kept constantly recurring to my thoughts. After a
while I heard the voices of two women in the entry. In one of them I
recognized the housemaid. The other said to her, “Did you know Linda
Brent’s children was sold to the speculator yesterday. They say ole massa
Flint was mighty glad to see ’em drove out of town; but they say they’ve
come back agin. I ’spect it’s all their daddy’s doings. They say he’s
bought William too. Lor! how it will take hold of ole massa Flint! I’m
going roun’ to aunt Marthy’s to see ’bout it.”

I bit my lips till the blood came to keep from crying out. Were my
children with their grandmother, or had the speculator carried them off?
The suspense was dreadful. Would Betty never come, and tell me the
truth about it? At last she came, and I eagerly repeated what I had
overheard. Her face was one broad, bright smile. “Lor, you foolish ting!”
said she. “I’se gwine to tell you all ’bout it. De gals is eating thar
breakfast, and missus tole me to let her tell you; but, poor creeter!
t’aint right to keep you waitin’, and I’se gwine to tell you. Brudder,
chillern, all is bought by de daddy! I’se laugh more dan nuff, tinking
’bout ole massa Flint. Lor, how he vill swar! He’s got ketched dis
time, any how; but I must be getting out o’ dis, or dem gals vill come and
ketch me.”

Betty went off laughing; and I said to myself, “Can it be true that my
children are free? I have not suffered for them in vain. Thank God!”

Great surprise was expressed when it was known that my children had
returned to their grandmother’s. The news spread through the town, and
many a kind word was bestowed on the little ones.

Dr. Flint went to my grandmother’s to ascertain who was the owner of my
children, and she informed him. “I expected as much,” said he. “I am glad
to hear it. I have had news from Linda lately, and I shall soon have her.
You need never expect to see her free. She shall be my slave as
long as I live, and when I am dead she shall be the slave of my children.
If I ever find out that you or Phillip had anything to do with her running
off I’ll kill him. And if I meet William in the street, and he presumes to
look at me, I’ll flog him within an inch of his life. Keep those brats out
of my sight!”

As he turned to leave, my grandmother said something to remind him of his
own doings. He looked back upon her, as if he would have been glad to
strike her to the ground.

I had my season of joy and thanksgiving. It was the first time since my
childhood that I had experienced any real happiness. I heard of the old
doctor’s threats, but they no longer had the same power to trouble me. The
darkest cloud that hung over my life had rolled away. Whatever slavery
might do to me, it could not shackle my children. If I fell a sacrifice,
my little ones were saved. It was well for me that my simple heart
believed all that had been promised for their welfare. It is always better
to trust than to doubt.

XX. New Perils.

The doctor, more exasperated than ever, again tried to revenge himself on
my relatives. He arrested uncle Phillip on the charge of having aided my
flight. He was carried before a court, and swore truly that he knew
nothing of my intention to escape, and that he had not seen me since I
left my master’s plantation. The doctor then demanded that he should give
bail for five hundred dollars that he would have nothing to do with me.
Several gentlemen offered to be security for him; but Mr. Sands told him
he had better go back to jail, and he would see that he came out without
giving bail.

The news of his arrest was carried to my grandmother, who conveyed it to
Betty. In the kindness of her heart, she again stowed me away under the
floor; and as she walked back and forth, in the performance of her
culinary duties, she talked apparently to herself, but with the intention
that I should hear what was going on. I hoped that my uncle’s imprisonment
would last but few days; still I was anxious. I thought it likely Dr.
Flint would do his utmost to taunt and insult him, and I was afraid my
uncle might lose control of himself, and retort in some way that would be
construed into a punishable offence; and I was well aware that in court
his word would not be taken against any white man’s. The search for me was
renewed. Something had excited suspicions that I was in the vicinity. They
searched the house I was in. I heard their steps and their voices. At
night, when all were asleep, Betty came to release me from my place of
confinement. The fright I had undergone, the constrained posture, and the
dampness of the ground, made me ill for several days. My uncle was soon
after taken out of prison; but the movements of all my relatives, and of
all our friends, were very closely watched.

We all saw that I could not remain where I was much longer. I had already
staid longer than was intended, and I knew my presence must be a source of
perpetual anxiety to my kind benefactress. During this time, my friends
had laid many plans for my escape, but the extreme vigilance of my
persecutors made it impossible to carry them into effect.

One morning I was much startled by hearing somebody trying to get into my
room. Several keys were tried, but none fitted. I instantly conjectured it
was one of the housemaids; and I concluded she must either have heard some
noise in the room, or have noticed the entrance of Betty. When my friend
came, at her usual time, I told her what had happened. “I knows who it
was,” said she. “’Pend upon it, ’twas dat Jenny. Dat nigger allers got de
debble in her.” I suggested that she might have seen or heard something
that excited her curiosity.

“Tut! tut! chile!” exclaimed Betty, “she ain’t seen notin’, nor hearn
notin’. She only ’spects someting. Dat’s all. She wants to fine out who
hab cut and make my gownd. But she won’t nebber know. Dat’s sartin. I’ll
git missis to fix her.”

I reflected a moment, and said, “Betty, I must leave here to-night.”

“Do as you tink best, poor chile,” she replied. “I’se mighty ’fraid dat
’ere nigger vill pop on you some time.”

She reported the incident to her mistress, and received orders to keep
Jenny busy in the kitchen till she could see my uncle Phillip. He told her
he would send a friend for me that very evening. She told him she hoped I
was going to the north, for it was very dangerous for me to remain any
where in the vicinity. Alas, it was not an easy thing, for one in my
situation, to go to the north. In order to leave the coast quite clear for
me, she went into the country to spend the day with her brother, and took
Jenny with her. She was afraid to come and bid me good by, but she left a
kind message with Betty. I heard her carriage roll from the door, and I
never again saw her who had so generously befriended the poor, trembling
fugitive! Though she was a slaveholder, to this day my heart blesses her!

I had not the slightest idea where I was going. Betty brought me a suit of
sailor’s clothes,—jacket, trowsers, and tarpaulin hat. She gave me a
small bundle, saying I might need it where I was going. In cheery tones,
she exclaimed, “I’se so glad you is gwine to free parts! Don’t
forget ole Betty. P’raps I’ll come ’long by and by.”

I tried to tell her how grateful I felt for all her kindness, but she
interrupted me. “I don’t want no tanks, honey. I’se glad I could help you,
and I hope de good Lord vill open de path for you. I’se gwine wid you to
de lower gate. Put your hands in your pockets, and walk ricketty, like de
sailors.”

I performed to her satisfaction. At the gate I found Peter, a young
colored man, waiting for me. I had known him for years. He had been an
apprentice to my father, and had always borne a good character. I was not
afraid to trust to him. Betty bade me a hurried good by, and we walked
off. “Take courage, Linda,” said my friend Peter. “I’ve got a dagger, and
no man shall take you from me, unless he passes over my dead body.”

It was a long time since I had taken a walk out of doors, and the fresh
air revived me. It was also pleasant to hear a human voice speaking to me
above a whisper. I passed several people whom I knew, but they did not
recognize me in my disguise. I prayed internally that, for Peter’s sake,
as well as my own, nothing might occur to bring out his dagger. We walked
on till we came to the wharf. My aunt Nancy’s husband was a seafaring man,
and it had been deemed necessary to let him into our secret. He took me
into his boat, rowed out to a vessel not far distant, and hoisted me on
board. We three were the only occupants of the vessel. I now ventured to
ask what they proposed to do with me. They said I was to remain on board
till near dawn, and then they would hide me in Snaky Swamp, till my uncle
Phillip had prepared a place of concealment for me. If the vessel had been
bound north, it would have been of no avail to me, for it would certainly
have been searched. About four o’clock, we were again seated in the boat,
and rowed three miles to the swamp. My fear of snakes had been increased
by the venomous bite I had received, and I dreaded to enter this hiding-place. But I was in no situation to choose, and I gratefully accepted the
best that my poor, persecuted friends could do for me.

Peter landed first, and with a large knife cut a path through bamboos and
briers of all descriptions. He came back, took me in his arms, and carried
me to a seat made among the bamboos. Before we reached it, we were covered
with hundreds of mosquitos. In an hour’s time they had so poisoned my
flesh that I was a pitiful sight to behold. As the light increased, I saw
snake after snake crawling round us. I had been accustomed to the sight of
snakes all my life, but these were larger than any I had ever seen. To
this day I shudder when I remember that morning. As evening approached,
the number of snakes increased so much that we were continually obliged to
thrash them with sticks to keep them from crawling over us. The bamboos
were so high and so thick that it was impossible to see beyond a very
short distance. Just before it became dark we procured a seat nearer to
the entrance of the swamp, being fearful of losing our way back to the
boat. It was not long before we heard the paddle of oars, and the low
whistle, which had been agreed upon as a signal. We made haste to enter
the boat, and were rowed back to the vessel. I passed a wretched night;
for the heat of the swamp, the mosquitos, and the constant terror of
snakes, had brought on a burning fever. I had just dropped asleep, when
they came and told me it was time to go back to that horrid swamp. I could
scarcely summon courage to rise. But even those large, venomous snakes
were less dreadful to my imagination than the white men in that community
called civilized. This time Peter took a quantity of tobacco to burn, to
keep off the mosquitos. It produced the desired effect on them, but gave
me nausea and severe headache. At dark we returned to the vessel. I had
been so sick during the day, that Peter declared I should go home that
night, if the devil himself was on patrol. They told me a place of
concealment had been provided for me at my grandmother’s. I could not
imagine how it was possible to hide me in her house, every nook and corner
of which was known to the Flint family. They told me to wait and see. We
were rowed ashore, and went boldly through the streets, to my
grandmother’s. I wore my sailor’s clothes, and had blackened my face with
charcoal. I passed several people whom I knew. The father of my children
came so near that I brushed against his arm; but he had no idea who it
was.

“You must make the most of this walk,” said my friend Peter, “for you may
not have another very soon.”

I thought his voice sounded sad. It was kind of him to conceal from me
what a dismal hole was to be my home for a long, long time.

XXI. The Loophole Of Retreat.

A small shed had been added to my grandmother’s house years ago. Some
boards were laid across the joists at the top, and between these boards
and the roof was a very small garret, never occupied by any thing but rats
and mice. It was a pent roof, covered with nothing but shingles, according
to the southern custom for such buildings. The garret was only nine feet
long and seven wide. The highest part was three feet high, and sloped down
abruptly to the loose board floor. There was no admission for either light
or air. My uncle Phillip, who was a carpenter, had very skilfully made a
concealed trap-door, which communicated with the storeroom. He had been
doing this while I was waiting in the swamp. The storeroom opened upon a
piazza. To this hole I was conveyed as soon as I entered the house. The
air was stifling; the darkness total. A bed had been spread on the floor.
I could sleep quite comfortably on one side; but the slope was so sudden
that I could not turn on the other without hitting the roof. The rats and
mice ran over my bed; but I was weary, and I slept such sleep as the
wretched may, when a tempest has passed over them. Morning came. I knew it
only by the noises I heard; for in my small den day and night were all the
same. I suffered for air even more than for light. But I was not
comfortless. I heard the voices of my children. There was joy and there
was sadness in the sound. It made my tears flow. How I longed to speak to
them! I was eager to look on their faces; but there was no hole, no crack,
through which I could peep. This continued darkness was oppressive. It
seemed horrible to sit or lie in a cramped position day after day, without
one gleam of light. Yet I would have chosen this, rather than my lot as a
slave, though white people considered it an easy one; and it was so
compared with the fate of others. I was never cruelly over-worked; I was
never lacerated with the whip from head to foot; I was never so beaten and
bruised that I could not turn from one side to the other; I never had my
heel-strings cut to prevent my running away; I was never chained to a log
and forced to drag it about, while I toiled in the fields from morning
till night; I was never branded with hot iron, or torn by bloodhounds. On
the contrary, I had always been kindly treated, and tenderly cared for,
until I came into the hands of Dr. Flint. I had never wished for freedom
till then. But though my life in slavery was comparatively devoid of
hardships, God pity the woman who is compelled to lead such a life!

My food was passed up to me through the trap-door my uncle had contrived;
and my grandmother, my uncle Phillip, and aunt Nancy would seize such
opportunities as they could, to mount up there and chat with me at the
opening. But of course this was not safe in the daytime. It must all be
done in darkness. It was impossible for me to move in an erect position,
but I crawled about my den for exercise. One day I hit my head against
something, and found it was a gimlet. My uncle had left it sticking there
when he made the trap-door. I was as rejoiced as Robinson Crusoe could
have been at finding such a treasure. It put a lucky thought into my head.
I said to myself, “Now I will have some light. Now I will see my
children.” I did not dare to begin my work during the daytime, for fear of
attracting attention. But I groped round; and having found the side next
the street, where I could frequently see my children, I stuck the gimlet
in and waited for evening. I bored three rows of holes, one above another;
then I bored out the interstices between. I thus succeeded in making one
hole about an inch long and an inch broad. I sat by it till late into the
night, to enjoy the little whiff of air that floated in. In the morning I
watched for my children. The first person I saw in the street was Dr.
Flint. I had a shuddering, superstitious feeling that it was a bad omen.
Several familiar faces passed by. At last I heard the merry laugh of
children, and presently two sweet little faces were looking up at me, as
though they knew I was there, and were conscious of the joy they imparted.
How I longed to tell them I was there!

My condition was now a little improved. But for weeks I was tormented by
hundreds of little red insects, fine as a needle’s point, that pierced
through my skin, and produced an intolerable burning. The good grandmother
gave me herb teas and cooling medicines, and finally I got rid of them.
The heat of my den was intense, for nothing but thin shingles protected me
from the scorching summer’s sun. But I had my consolations. Through my
peeping-hole I could watch the children, and when they were near enough, I
could hear their talk. Aunt Nancy brought me all the news she could hear
at Dr. Flint’s. From her I learned that the doctor had written to New York
to a colored woman, who had been born and raised in our neighborhood, and
had breathed his contaminating atmosphere. He offered her a reward if she
could find out any thing about me. I know not what was the nature of her
reply; but he soon after started for New York in haste, saying to his
family that he had business of importance to transact. I peeped at him as
he passed on his way to the steamboat. It was a satisfaction to have miles
of land and water between us, even for a little while; and it was a still
greater satisfaction to know that he believed me to be in the Free States.
My little den seemed less dreary than it had done. He returned, as he did
from his former journey to New York, without obtaining any satisfactory
information. When he passed our house next morning, Benny was standing at
the gate. He had heard them say that he had gone to find me, and he called
out, “Dr. Flint, did you bring my mother home? I want to see her.” The
doctor stamped his foot at him in a rage, and exclaimed, “Get out of the
way, you little damned rascal! If you don’t, I’ll cut off your head.”

Benny ran terrified into the house, saying, “You can’t put me in jail
again. I don’t belong to you now.” It was well that the wind carried the
words away from the doctor’s ear. I told my grandmother of it, when we had
our next conference at the trap-door; and begged of her not to allow the
children to be impertinent to the irascible old man.

Autumn came, with a pleasant abatement of heat. My eyes had become
accustomed to the dim light, and by holding my book or work in a certain
position near the aperture I contrived to read and sew. That was a great
relief to the tedious monotony of my life. But when winter came, the cold
penetrated through the thin shingle roof, and I was dreadfully chilled.
The winters there are not so long, or so severe, as in northern latitudes;
but the houses are not built to shelter from cold, and my little den was
peculiarly comfortless. The kind grandmother brought me bed-clothes and
warm drinks. Often I was obliged to lie in bed all day to keep
comfortable; but with all my precautions, my shoulders and feet were
frostbitten. O, those long, gloomy days, with no object for my eye to rest
upon, and no thoughts to occupy my mind, except the dreary past and the
uncertain future! I was thankful when there came a day sufficiently mild
for me to wrap myself up and sit at the loophole to watch the passers by.
Southerners have the habit of stopping and talking in the streets, and I
heard many conversations not intended to meet my ears. I heard
slave-hunters planning how to catch some poor fugitive. Several times I
heard allusions to Dr. Flint, myself, and the history of my children, who,
perhaps, were playing near the gate. One would say, “I wouldn’t move my
little finger to catch her, as old Flint’s property.” Another would say,
“I’ll catch any nigger for the reward. A man ought to have what
belongs to him, if he is a damned brute.” The opinion was often
expressed that I was in the Free States. Very rarely did any one suggest
that I might be in the vicinity. Had the least suspicion rested on my
grandmother’s house, it would have been burned to the ground. But it was
the last place they thought of. Yet there was no place, where slavery
existed, that could have afforded me so good a place of concealment.

Dr. Flint and his family repeatedly tried to coax and bribe my children to
tell something they had heard said about me. One day the doctor took them
into a shop, and offered them some bright little silver pieces and gay
handkerchiefs if they would tell where their mother was. Ellen shrank away
from him, and would not speak; but Benny spoke up, and said, “Dr. Flint, I
don’t know where my mother is. I guess she’s in New York; and when you go
there again, I wish you’d ask her to come home, for I want to see her; but
if you put her in jail, or tell her you’ll cut her head off, I’ll tell her
to go right back.”

XXII. Christmas Festivities.

Christmas was approaching. Grandmother brought me materials, and I busied
myself making some new garments and little playthings for my children.
Were it not that hiring day is near at hand, and many families are
fearfully looking forward to the probability of separation in a few days,
Christmas might be a happy season for the poor slaves. Even slave mothers
try to gladden the hearts of their little ones on that occasion. Benny and
Ellen had their Christmas stockings filled. Their imprisoned mother could
not have the privilege of witnessing their surprise and joy. But I had the
pleasure of peeping at them as they went into the street with their new
suits on. I heard Benny ask a little playmate whether Santa Claus brought
him any thing. “Yes,” replied the boy; “but Santa Claus ain’t a real man.
It’s the children’s mothers that put things into the stockings.” “No, that
can’t be,” replied Benny, “for Santa Claus brought Ellen and me these new
clothes, and my mother has been gone this long time.”

How I longed to tell him that his mother made those garments, and that
many a tear fell on them while she worked!

Every child rises early on Christmas morning to see the Johnkannaus.
Without them, Christmas would be shorn of its greatest attraction. They
consist of companies of slaves from the plantations, generally of the
lower class. Two athletic men, in calico wrappers, have a net thrown over
them, covered with all manner of bright-colored stripes. Cows’ tails are
fastened to their backs, and their heads are decorated with horns. A box,
covered with sheepskin, is called the gumbo box. A dozen beat on this,
while others strike triangles and jawbones, to which bands of dancers keep
time. For a month previous they are composing songs, which are sung on
this occasion. These companies, of a hundred each, turn out early in the
morning, and are allowed to go round till twelve o’clock, begging for
contributions. Not a door is left unvisited where there is the least
chance of obtaining a penny or a glass of rum. They do not drink while
they are out, but carry the rum home in jugs, to have a carousal. These
Christmas donations frequently amount to twenty or thirty dollars. It is
seldom that any white man or child refuses to give them a trifle. If he
does, they regale his ears with the following song:—

“Poor massa, so dey say;
Down in de heel, so dey say;
Got no money, so dey say;
Not one shillin, so dey say;
God A’mighty bress you, so dey say.”

Christmas is a day of feasting, both with white and colored people.
Slaves, who are lucky enough to have a few shillings, are sure to spend
them for good eating; and many a turkey and pig is captured, without
saying, “By your leave, sir.” Those who cannot obtain these, cook a
’possum, or a raccoon, from which savory dishes can be made. My
grandmother raised poultry and pigs for sale; and it was her established
custom to have both a turkey and a pig roasted for Christmas dinner.

On this occasion, I was warned to keep extremely quiet, because two guests
had been invited. One was the town constable, and the other was a free
colored man, who tried to pass himself off for white, and who was always
ready to do any mean work for the sake of currying favor with white
people. My grandmother had a motive for inviting them. She managed to take
them all over the house. All the rooms on the lower floor were thrown open
for them to pass in and out; and after dinner, they were invited up stairs
to look at a fine mocking bird my uncle had just brought home. There, too,
the rooms were all thrown open, that they might look in. When I heard them
talking on the piazza, my heart almost stood still. I knew this colored
man had spent many nights hunting for me. Every body knew he had the blood
of a slave father in his veins; but for the sake of passing himself off
for white, he was ready to kiss the slaveholders’ feet. How I despised
him! As for the constable, he wore no false colors. The duties of his
office were despicable, but he was superior to his companion, inasmuch as
he did not pretend to be what he was not. Any white man, who could raise
money enough to buy a slave, would have considered himself degraded by
being a constable; but the office enabled its possessor to exercise
authority. If he found any slave out after nine o’clock, he could whip him
as much as he liked; and that was a privilege to be coveted. When the
guests were ready to depart, my grandmother gave each of them some of her
nice pudding, as a present for their wives. Through my peep-hole I saw
them go out of the gate, and I was glad when it closed after them. So
passed the first Christmas in my den.

XXIII. Still In Prison.

When spring returned, and I took in the little patch of green the aperture
commanded, I asked myself how many more summers and winters I must be
condemned to spend thus. I longed to draw in a plentiful draught of fresh
air, to stretch my cramped limbs, to have room to stand erect, to feel the
earth under my feet again. My relatives were constantly on the lookout for
a chance of escape; but none offered that seemed practicable, and even
tolerably safe. The hot summer came again, and made the turpentine drop
from the thin roof over my head.

During the long nights I was restless for want of air, and I had no room
to toss and turn. There was but one compensation; the atmosphere was so
stifled that even mosquitos would not condescend to buzz in it. With all
my detestation of Dr. Flint, I could hardly wish him a worse punishment,
either in this world or that which is to come, than to suffer what I
suffered in one single summer. Yet the laws allowed him to be out
in the free air, while I, guiltless of crime, was pent up here, as the
only means of avoiding the cruelties the laws allowed him to inflict upon
me! I don’t know what kept life within me. Again and again, I thought I
should die before long; but I saw the leaves of another autumn whirl
through the air, and felt the touch of another winter. In summer the most
terrible thunder storms were acceptable, for the rain came through the
roof, and I rolled up my bed that it might cool the hot boards under it.
Later in the season, storms sometimes wet my clothes through and through,
and that was not comfortable when the air grew chilly. Moderate storms I
could keep out by filling the chinks with oakum.

But uncomfortable as my situation was, I had glimpses of things out of
doors, which made me thankful for my wretched hiding-place. One day I saw
a slave pass our gate, muttering, “It’s his own, and he can kill it if he
will.” My grandmother told me that woman’s history. Her mistress had that
day seen her baby for the first time, and in the lineaments of its fair
face she saw a likeness to her husband. She turned the bondwoman and her
child out of doors, and forbade her ever to return. The slave went to her
master, and told him what had happened. He promised to talk with her
mistress, and make it all right. The next day she and her baby were sold
to a Georgia trader.

Another time I saw a woman rush wildly by, pursued by two men. She was a
slave, the wet nurse of her mistress’s children. For some trifling offence
her mistress ordered her to be stripped and whipped. To escape the
degradation and the torture, she rushed to the river, jumped in, and ended
her wrongs in death.

Senator Brown, of Mississippi, could not be ignorant of many such facts as
these, for they are of frequent occurrence in every Southern State. Yet he
stood up in the Congress of the United States, and declared that slavery
was “a great moral, social, and political blessing; a blessing to the
master, and a blessing to the slave!”

I suffered much more during the second winter than I did during the first.
My limbs were benumbed by inaction, and the cold filled them with cramp. I
had a very painful sensation of coldness in my head; even my face and
tongue stiffened, and I lost the power of speech. Of course it was
impossible, under the circumstances, to summon any physician. My brother
William came and did all he could for me. Uncle Phillip also watched
tenderly over me; and poor grandmother crept up and down to inquire
whether there were any signs of returning life. I was restored to
consciousness by the dashing of cold water in my face, and found myself
leaning against my brother’s arm, while he bent over me with streaming
eyes. He afterwards told me he thought I was dying, for I had been in an
unconscious state sixteen hours. I next became delirious, and was in great
danger of betraying myself and my friends. To prevent this, they stupefied
me with drugs. I remained in bed six weeks, weary in body and sick at
heart. How to get medical advice was the question. William finally went to
a Thompsonian doctor, and described himself as having all my pains and
aches. He returned with herbs, roots, and ointment. He was especially
charged to rub on the ointment by a fire; but how could a fire be made in
my little den? Charcoal in a furnace was tried, but there was no outlet
for the gas, and it nearly cost me my life. Afterwards coals, already
kindled, were brought up in an iron pan, and placed on bricks. I was so
weak, and it was so long since I had enjoyed the warmth of a fire, that
those few coals actually made me weep. I think the medicines did me some
good; but my recovery was very slow. Dark thoughts passed through my mind
as I lay there day after day. I tried to be thankful for my little cell,
dismal as it was, and even to love it, as part of the price I had paid for
the redemption of my children. Sometimes I thought God was a compassionate
Father, who would forgive my sins for the sake of my sufferings. At other
times, it seemed to me there was no justice or mercy in the divine
government. I asked why the curse of slavery was permitted to exist, and
why I had been so persecuted and wronged from youth upward. These things
took the shape of mystery, which is to this day not so clear to my soul as
I trust it will be hereafter.

In the midst of my illness, grandmother broke down under the weight of
anxiety and toil. The idea of losing her, who had always been my best
friend and a mother to my children, was the sorest trial I had yet had. O,
how earnestly I prayed that she might recover! How hard it seemed, that I
could not tend upon her, who had so long and so tenderly watched over me!

One day the screams of a child nerved me with strength to crawl to my
peeping-hole, and I saw my son covered with blood. A fierce dog, usually
kept chained, had seized and bitten him. A doctor was sent for, and I
heard the groans and screams of my child while the wounds were being sewed
up. O, what torture to a mother’s heart, to listen to this and be unable
to go to him!

But childhood is like a day in spring, alternately shower and sunshine.
Before night Benny was bright and lively, threatening the destruction of
the dog; and great was his delight when the doctor told him the next day
that the dog had bitten another boy and been shot. Benny recovered from
his wounds; but it was long before he could walk.

When my grandmother’s illness became known, many ladies, who were her
customers, called to bring her some little comforts, and to inquire
whether she had every thing she wanted. Aunt Nancy one night asked
permission to watch with her sick mother, and Mrs. Flint replied, “I don’t
see any need of your going. I can’t spare you.” But when she found other
ladies in the neighborhood were so attentive, not wishing to be outdone in
Christian charity, she also sallied forth, in magnificent condescension,
and stood by the bedside of her who had loved her in her infancy, and who
had been repaid by such grievous wrongs. She seemed surprised to find her
so ill, and scolded uncle Phillip for not sending for Dr. Flint. She
herself sent for him immediately, and he came. Secure as I was in my
retreat, I should have been terrified if I had known he was so near me. He
pronounced my grandmother in a very critical situation, and said if her
attending physician wished it, he would visit her. Nobody wished to have
him coming to the house at all hours, and we were not disposed to give him
a chance to make out a long bill.

As Mrs. Flint went out, Sally told her the reason Benny was lame was, that
a dog had bitten him. “I’m glad of it,” replied she. “I wish he had killed
him. It would be good news to send to his mother. Her day will
come. The dogs will grab her yet.” With these Christian words she
and her husband departed, and, to my great satisfaction, returned no more.

I heard from uncle Phillip, with feelings of unspeakable joy and
gratitude, that the crisis was passed and grandmother would live. I could
now say from my heart, “God is merciful. He has spared me the anguish of
feeling that I caused her death.”

XXIV. The Candidate For Congress.

The summer had nearly ended, when Dr. Flint made a third visit to New
York, in search of me. Two candidates were running for Congress, and he
returned in season to vote. The father of my children was the Whig
candidate. The doctor had hitherto been a stanch Whig; but now he exerted
all his energies for the defeat of Mr. Sands. He invited large parties of
men to dine in the shade of his trees, and supplied them with plenty of
rum and brandy. If any poor fellow drowned his wits in the bowl, and, in
the openness of his convivial heart, proclaimed that he did not mean to
vote the Democratic ticket, he was shoved into the street without
ceremony.

The doctor expended his liquor in vain. Mr. Sands was elected; an event
which occasioned me some anxious thoughts. He had not emancipated my
children, and if he should die they would be at the mercy of his heirs.
Two little voices, that frequently met my ear, seemed to plead with me not
to let their father depart without striving to make their freedom secure.
Years had passed since I had spoken to him. I had not even seen him since
the night I passed him, unrecognized, in my disguise of a sailor. I
supposed he would call before he left, to say something to my grandmother
concerning the children, and I resolved what course to take.

The day before his departure for Washington I made arrangements, towards
evening, to get from my hiding-place into the storeroom below. I found
myself so stiff and clumsy that it was with great difficulty I could hitch
from one resting place to another. When I reached the storeroom my ankles
gave way under me, and I sank exhausted on the floor. It seemed as if I
could never use my limbs again. But the purpose I had in view roused all
the strength I had. I crawled on my hands and knees to the window, and,
screened behind a barrel, I waited for his coming. The clock struck nine,
and I knew the steamboat would leave between ten and eleven. My hopes were
failing. But presently I heard his voice, saying to some one, “Wait for me
a moment. I wish to see aunt Martha.” When he came out, as he passed the
window, I said, “Stop one moment, and let me speak for my children.” He
started, hesitated, and then passed on, and went out of the gate. I closed
the shutter I had partially opened, and sank down behind the barrel. I had
suffered much; but seldom had I experienced a keener pang than I then
felt. Had my children, then, become of so little consequence to him? And
had he so little feeling for their wretched mother that he would not
listen a moment while she pleaded for them? Painful memories were so busy
within me, that I forgot I had not hooked the shutter, till I heard some
one opening it. I looked up. He had come back. “Who called me?” said he,
in a low tone. “I did,” I replied. “Oh, Linda,” said he, “I knew your
voice; but I was afraid to answer, lest my friend should hear me. Why do
you come here? Is it possible you risk yourself in this house? They are
mad to allow it. I shall expect to hear that you are all ruined.” I did
not wish to implicate him, by letting him know my place of concealment; so
I merely said, “I thought you would come to bid grandmother good by, and
so I came here to speak a few words to you about emancipating my children.
Many changes may take place during the six months you are gone to
Washington, and it does not seem right for you to expose them to the risk
of such changes. I want nothing for myself; all I ask is, that you will
free my children, or authorize some friend to do it, before you go.”

He promised he would do it, and also expressed a readiness to make any
arrangements whereby I could be purchased.

I heard footsteps approaching, and closed the shutter hastily. I wanted to
crawl back to my den, without letting the family know what I had done; for
I knew they would deem it very imprudent. But he stepped back into the
house, to tell my grandmother that he had spoken with me at the storeroom
window, and to beg of her not to allow me to remain in the house over
night. He said it was the height of madness for me to be there; that we
should certainly all be ruined. Luckily, he was in too much of a hurry to
wait for a reply, or the dear old woman would surely have told him all.

I tried to go back to my den, but found it more difficult to go up than I
had to come down. Now that my mission was fulfilled, the little strength
that had supported me through it was gone, and I sank helpless on the
floor. My grandmother, alarmed at the risk I had run, came into the
storeroom in the dark, and locked the door behind her. “Linda,” she
whispered, “where are you?”

“I am here by the window,” I replied. “I couldn’t have him go away
without emancipating the children. Who knows what may happen?”

“Come, come, child,” said she, “it won’t do for you to stay here another
minute. You’ve done wrong; but I can’t blame you, poor thing!”

I told her
I could not return without assistance, and she must call my uncle. Uncle
Phillip came, and pity prevented him from scolding me. He carried me back
to my dungeon, laid me tenderly on the bed, gave me some medicine, and
asked me if there was any thing more he could do. Then he went away, and I
was left with my own thoughts—starless as the midnight darkness
around me.

My friends feared I should become a cripple for life; and I was so weary
of my long imprisonment that, had it not been for the hope of serving my
children, I should have been thankful to die; but, for their sakes, I was
willing to bear on.

XXV. Competition In Cunning.

Dr. Flint had not given me up. Every now and then he would say to my
grandmother that I would yet come back, and voluntarily surrender myself;
and that when I did, I could be purchased by my relatives, or any one who
wished to buy me. I knew his cunning nature too well not to perceive that
this was a trap laid for me; and so all my friends understood it. I
resolved to match my cunning against his cunning. In order to make him
believe that I was in New York, I resolved to write him a letter dated
from that place. I sent for my friend Peter, and asked him if he knew any
trustworthy seafaring person, who would carry such a letter to New York,
and put it in the post office there. He said he knew one that he would
trust with his own life to the ends of the world. I reminded him that it
was a hazardous thing for him to undertake. He said he knew it, but he was
willing to do any thing to help me. I expressed a wish for a New York
paper, to ascertain the names of some of the streets. He run his hand into
his pocket, and said, “Here is half a one, that was round a cap I bought
of a pedler yesterday.” I told him the letter would be ready the next
evening. He bade me good by, adding, “Keep up your spirits, Linda;
brighter days will come by and by.”

My uncle Phillip kept watch over the gate until our brief interview was
over. Early the next morning, I seated myself near the little aperture to
examine the newspaper. It was a piece of the New York Herald; and, for
once, the paper that systematically abuses the colored people, was made to
render them a service. Having obtained what information I wanted
concerning streets and numbers, I wrote two letters, one to my
grandmother, the other to Dr. Flint. I reminded him how he, a gray-headed
man, had treated a helpless child, who had been placed in his power, and
what years of misery he had brought upon her. To my grandmother, I
expressed a wish to have my children sent to me at the north, where I
could teach them to respect themselves, and set them a virtuous example;
which a slave mother was not allowed to do at the south. I asked her to
direct her answer to a certain street in Boston, as I did not live in New
York, though I went there sometimes. I dated these letters ahead, to allow
for the time it would take to carry them, and sent a memorandum of the
date to the messenger. When my friend came for the letters, I said, “God
bless and reward you, Peter, for this disinterested kindness. Pray be
careful. If you are detected, both you and I will have to suffer
dreadfully. I have not a relative who would dare to do it for me.” He
replied, “You may trust to me, Linda. I don’t forget that your father was
my best friend, and I will be a friend to his children so long as God lets
me live.”

It was necessary to tell my grandmother what I had done, in order that she
might be ready for the letter, and prepared to hear what Dr. Flint might
say about my being at the north. She was sadly troubled. She felt sure
mischief would come of it. I also told my plan to aunt Nancy, in order
that she might report to us what was said at Dr. Flint’s house. I
whispered it to her through a crack, and she whispered back, “I hope it
will succeed. I shan’t mind being a slave all my life, if I can
only see you and the children free.”

I had directed that my letters should be put into the New York post office
on the 20th of the month. On the evening of the 24th my aunt came to say
that Dr. Flint and his wife had been talking in a low voice about a letter
he had received, and that when he went to his office he promised to bring
it when he came to tea. So I concluded I should hear my letter read the
next morning. I told my grandmother Dr. Flint would be sure to come, and
asked her to have him sit near a certain door, and leave it open, that I
might hear what he said. The next morning I took my station within sound
of that door, and remained motionless as a statue. It was not long before
I heard the gate slam, and the well-known footsteps enter the house. He
seated himself in the chair that was placed for him, and said, “Well,
Martha, I’ve brought you a letter from Linda. She has sent me a letter,
also. I know exactly where to find her; but I don’t choose to go to Boston
for her. I had rather she would come back of her own accord, in a
respectable manner. Her uncle Phillip is the best person to go for her.
With him, she would feel perfectly free to act. I am willing to pay
his expenses going and returning. She shall be sold to her friends. Her
children are free; at least I suppose they are; and when you obtain her
freedom, you’ll make a happy family. I suppose, Martha, you have no
objection to my reading to you the letter Linda has written to you.”

He broke the seal, and I heard him read it. The old villain! He had
suppressed the letter I wrote to grandmother, and prepared a substitute of
his own, the purport of which was as follows:—

“Dear Grandmother: I have long wanted to write to you; but the
disgraceful manner in which I left you and my children made me
ashamed to do it. If you knew how much I have suffered since I
ran away, you would pity and forgive me. I have purchased freedom
at a dear rate. If any arrangement could be made for me to return
to the south without being a slave, I would gladly come. If not,
I beg of you to send my children to the north. I cannot live any
longer without them. Let me know in time, and I will meet them in
New York or Philadelphia, whichever place best suits my uncle’s
convenience. Write as soon as possible to your unhappy daughter,
Linda.”

“It is very much as I expected it would be,” said the old hypocrite,
rising to go. “You see the foolish girl has repented of her rashness, and
wants to return. We must help her to do it, Martha. Talk with Phillip
about it. If he will go for her, she will trust to him, and come back. I
should like an answer to-morrow. Good morning, Martha.”

As he stepped out on the piazza, he stumbled over my little girl. “Ah,
Ellen, is that you?” he said, in his most gracious manner. “I didn’t see
you. How do you do?”

“Pretty well, sir,” she replied. “I heard you tell grandmother that my
mother is coming home. I want to see her.”

“Yes, Ellen, I am going to bring her home very soon,” rejoined he; “and
you shall see her as much as you like, you little curly-headed nigger.”

This was as good as a comedy to me, who had heard it all; but grandmother
was frightened and distressed, because the doctor wanted my uncle to go
for me.

The next evening Dr. Flint called to talk the matter over. My uncle told
him that from what he had heard of Massachusetts, he judged he should be
mobbed if he went there after a runaway slave. “All stuff and nonsense,
Phillip!” replied the doctor. “Do you suppose I want you to kick up a row
in Boston? The business can all be done quietly. Linda writes that she
wants to come back. You are her relative, and she would trust you.
The case would be different if I went. She might object to coming with me;
and the damned abolitionists, if they knew I was her master, would not
believe me, if I told them she had begged to go back. They would get up a
row; and I should not like to see Linda dragged through the streets like a
common negro. She has been very ungrateful to me for all my kindness; but
I forgive her, and want to act the part of a friend towards her. I have no
wish to hold her as my slave. Her friends can buy her as soon as she
arrives here.”

Finding that his arguments failed to convince my uncle, the doctor “let
the cat out of the bag,” by saying that he had written to the mayor of
Boston, to ascertain whether there was a person of my description at the
street and number from which my letter was dated. He had omitted this date
in the letter he had made up to read to my grandmother. If I had dated
from New York, the old man would probably have made another journey to
that city. But even in that dark region, where knowledge is so carefully
excluded from the slave, I had heard enough about Massachusetts to come to
the conclusion that slaveholders did not consider it a comfortable place
to go to in search of a runaway. That was before the Fugitive Slave Law was
passed; before Massachusetts had consented to become a “nigger hunter” for
the south.

My grandmother, who had become skittish by seeing her family always in
danger, came to me with a very distressed countenance, and said, “What
will you do if the mayor of Boston sends him word that you haven’t been
there? Then he will suspect the letter was a trick; and maybe he’ll find
out something about it, and we shall all get into trouble. O Linda, I wish
you had never sent the letters.”

“Don’t worry yourself, Grandmother,” said I. “The mayor of Boston won’t
trouble himself to hunt niggers for Dr. Flint. The letters will do good in
the end. I shall get out of this dark hole some time or other.”

“I hope you will, child,” replied the good, patient old friend. “You have
been here a long time; almost five years; but whenever you do go, it will
break your old grandmother’s heart. I should be expecting every day to
hear that you were brought back in irons and put in jail. God help you,
poor child! Let us be thankful that some time or other we shall go ‘where
the wicked cease from troubling, and the weary are at rest.’” My heart
responded, Amen.

The fact that Dr. Flint had written to the mayor of Boston convinced me
that he believed my letter to be genuine, and of course that he had no
suspicion of my being any where in the vicinity. It was a great object to
keep up this delusion, for it made me and my friends feel less anxious,
and it would be very convenient whenever there was a chance to escape. I
resolved, therefore, to continue to write letters from the north from time
to time.

Two or three weeks passed, and as no news came from the mayor of Boston,
grandmother began to listen to my entreaty to be allowed to leave my cell,
sometimes, and exercise my limbs to prevent my becoming a cripple. I was
allowed to slip down into the small storeroom, early in the morning, and
remain there a little while. The room was all filled up with barrels,
except a small open space under my trap-door. This faced the door, the
upper part of which was of glass, and purposely left uncurtained, that the
curious might look in. The air of this place was close; but it was so much
better than the atmosphere of my cell, that I dreaded to return. I came
down as soon as it was light, and remained till eight o’clock, when people
began to be about, and there was danger that some one might come on the
piazza. I had tried various applications to bring warmth and feeling into
my limbs, but without avail. They were so numb and stiff that it was a
painful effort to move; and had my enemies come upon me during the first
mornings I tried to exercise them a little in the small unoccupied space
of the storeroom, it would have been impossible for me to have escaped.

XXVI. Important Era In My Brother’s Life.

I missed the company and kind attentions of my brother William, who had
gone to Washington with his master, Mr. Sands. We received several letters
from him, written without any allusion to me, but expressed in such a
manner that I knew he did not forget me. I disguised my hand, and wrote to
him in the same manner. It was a long session; and when it closed, William
wrote to inform us that Mr. Sands was going to the north, to be gone some
time, and that he was to accompany him. I knew that his master had
promised to give him his freedom, but no time had been specified. Would
William trust to a slave’s chances? I remembered how we used to talk
together, in our young days, about obtaining our freedom, and I thought it
very doubtful whether he would come back to us.

Grandmother received a letter from Mr. Sands, saying that William had
proved a most faithful servant, and he would also say a valued friend;
that no mother had ever trained a better boy. He said he had travelled
through the Northern States and Canada; and though the abolitionists had
tried to decoy him away, they had never succeeded. He ended by saying they
should be at home shortly.

We expected letters from William, describing the novelties of his journey,
but none came. In time, it was reported that Mr. Sands would return late
in the autumn, accompanied by a bride. Still no letters from William. I
felt almost sure I should never see him again on southern soil; but had he
no word of comfort to send to his friends at home? to the poor captive in
her dungeon? My thoughts wandered through the dark past, and over the
uncertain future. Alone in my cell, where no eye but God’s could see me, I
wept bitter tears. How earnestly I prayed to him to restore me to my
children, and enable me to be a useful woman and a good mother!

At last the day arrived for the return of the travellers. Grandmother had
made loving preparations to welcome her absent boy back to the old
hearthstone. When the dinner table was laid, William’s plate occupied its
old place. The stage coach went by empty. My grandmother waited dinner.
She thought perhaps he was necessarily detained by his master. In my
prison I listened anxiously, expecting every moment to hear my dear
brother’s voice and step. In the course of the afternoon a lad was sent by
Mr. Sands to tell grandmother that William did not return with him; that
the abolitionists had decoyed him away. But he begged her not to feel
troubled about it, for he felt confident she would see William in a few
days. As soon as he had time to reflect he would come back, for he could
never expect to be so well off at the north as he had been with him.

If you had seen the tears, and heard the sobs, you would have thought the
messenger had brought tidings of death instead of freedom. Poor old
grandmother felt that she should never see her darling boy again. And I
was selfish. I thought more of what I had lost, than of what my brother
had gained. A new anxiety began to trouble me. Mr. Sands had expended a
good deal of money, and would naturally feel irritated by the loss he had
incurred. I greatly feared this might injure the prospects of my children,
who were now becoming valuable property. I longed to have their
emancipation made certain. The more so, because their master and father
was now married. I was too familiar with slavery not to know that promises
made to slaves, though with kind intentions, and sincere at the time,
depend upon many contingencies for their fulfilment.

Much as I wished William to be free, the step he had taken made me sad and
anxious. The following Sabbath was calm and clear; so beautiful that it
seemed like a Sabbath in the eternal world. My grandmother brought the
children out on the piazza, that I might hear their voices. She thought it
would comfort me in my despondency; and it did. They chatted merrily, as
only children can. Benny said, “Grandmother, do you think uncle Will has
gone for good? Won’t he ever come back again? May be he’ll find mother. If
he does, won’t she be glad to see him! Why don’t you and uncle
Phillip, and all of us, go and live where mother is? I should like it;
wouldn’t you, Ellen?”

“Yes, I should like it,” replied Ellen; “but how could we find her? Do you
know the place, grandmother? I don’t remember how mother looked—do
you, Benny?”

Benny was just beginning to describe me when they were interrupted by an
old slave woman, a near neighbor, named Aggie. This poor creature had
witnessed the sale of her children, and seen them carried off to parts
unknown, without any hopes of ever hearing from them again. She saw that
my grandmother had been weeping, and she said, in a sympathizing tone,
“What’s the matter, aunt Marthy?”

“O Aggie,” she replied, “it seems as if I shouldn’t have any of my
children or grandchildren left to hand me a drink when I’m dying, and lay
my old body in the ground. My boy didn’t come back with Mr. Sands. He
staid at the north.”

Poor old Aggie clapped her hands for joy. “Is dat what you’s crying
fur?” she exclaimed. “Git down on your knees and bress de Lord! I don’t
know whar my poor chillern is, and I nebber ’spect to know. You don’t know
whar poor Linda’s gone to; but you do know whar her brudder is.
He’s in free parts; and dat’s de right place. Don’t murmur at de Lord’s
doings, but git down on your knees and tank him for his goodness.”

My selfishness was rebuked by what poor Aggie said. She rejoiced over the
escape of one who was merely her fellow-bondman, while his own sister was
only thinking what his good fortune might cost her children. I knelt and
prayed God to forgive me; and I thanked him from my heart, that one of my
family was saved from the grasp of slavery.

It was not long before we received a letter from William. He wrote that
Mr. Sands had always treated him kindly, and that he had tried to do his
duty to him faithfully. But ever since he was a boy, he had longed to be
free; and he had already gone through enough to convince him he had better
not lose the chance that offered. He concluded by saying, “Don’t worry
about me, dear grandmother. I shall think of you always; and it will spur
me on to work hard and try to do right. When I have earned money enough to
give you a home, perhaps you will come to the north, and we can all live
happy together.”

Mr. Sands told my uncle Phillip the particulars about William’s leaving
him. He said, “I trusted him as if he were my own brother, and treated him
as kindly. The abolitionists talked to him in several places; but I had no
idea they could tempt him. However, I don’t blame William. He’s young and
inconsiderate, and those Northern rascals decoyed him. I must confess the
scamp was very bold about it. I met him coming down the steps of the Astor
House with his trunk on his shoulder, and I asked him where he was going.
He said he was going to change his old trunk. I told him it was rather
shabby, and asked if he didn’t need some money. He said, No, thanked me,
and went off. He did not return so soon as I expected; but I waited
patiently. At last I went to see if our trunks were packed, ready for our
journey. I found them locked, and a sealed note on the table informed me
where I could find the keys. The fellow even tried to be religious. He
wrote that he hoped God would always bless me, and reward me for my
kindness; that he was not unwilling to serve me; but he wanted to be a
free man; and that if I thought he did wrong, he hoped I would forgive
him. I intended to give him his freedom in five years. He might have
trusted me. He has shown himself ungrateful; but I shall not go for him,
or send for him. I feel confident that he will soon return to me.”

I afterwards heard an account of the affair from William himself. He had
not been urged away by abolitionists. He needed no information they could
give him about slavery to stimulate his desire for freedom. He looked at
his hands, and remembered that they were once in irons. What security had
he that they would not be so again? Mr. Sands was kind to him; but he
might indefinitely postpone the promise he had made to give him his
freedom. He might come under pecuniary embarrassments, and his property be
seized by creditors; or he might die, without making any arrangements in
his favor. He had too often known such accidents to happen to slaves who
had kind masters, and he wisely resolved to make sure of the present
opportunity to own himself. He was scrupulous about taking any money from
his master on false pretences; so he sold his best clothes to pay for his
passage to Boston. The slaveholders pronounced him a base, ungrateful
wretch, for thus requiting his master’s indulgence. What would they
have done under similar circumstances?

When Dr. Flint’s family heard that William had deserted Mr. Sands, they
chuckled greatly over the news. Mrs. Flint made her usual manifestations
of Christian feeling, by saying, “I’m glad of it. I hope he’ll never get
him again. I like to see people paid back in their own coin. I reckon
Linda’s children will have to pay for it. I should be glad to see them in
the speculator’s hands again, for I’m tired of seeing those little niggers
march about the streets.”

XXVII. New Destination For The Children.

Mrs. Flint proclaimed her intention of informing Mrs. Sands who was the
father of my children. She likewise proposed to tell her what an artful
devil I was; that I had made a great deal of trouble in her family; that
when Mr. Sands was at the north, she didn’t doubt I had followed him in
disguise, and persuaded William to run away. She had some reason to
entertain such an idea; for I had written from the north, from time to
time, and I dated my letters from various places. Many of them fell into
Dr. Flint’s hands, as I expected they would; and he must have come to the
conclusion that I travelled about a good deal. He kept a close watch over
my children, thinking they would eventually lead to my detection.

A new and unexpected trial was in store for me. One day, when Mr. Sands
and his wife were walking in the street, they met Benny. The lady took a
fancy to him, and exclaimed, “What a pretty little negro! Whom does he
belong to?”

Benny did not hear the answer; but he came home very indignant with the
stranger lady, because she had called him a negro. A few days afterwards,
Mr. Sands called on my grandmother, and told her he wanted her to take the
children to his house. He said he had informed his wife of his relation to
them, and told her they were motherless; and she wanted to see them.

When he had gone, my grandmother came and asked what I would do. The
question seemed a mockery. What could I do? They were Mr. Sands’s
slaves, and their mother was a slave, whom he had represented to be dead.
Perhaps he thought I was. I was too much pained and puzzled to come to any
decision; and the children were carried without my knowledge.

Mrs. Sands
had a sister from Illinois staying with her. This lady, who had no
children of her own, was so much pleased with Ellen, that she offered to
adopt her, and bring her up as she would a daughter. Mrs. Sands wanted to
take Benjamin. When grandmother reported this to me, I was tried almost
beyond endurance. Was this all I was to gain by what I had suffered for
the sake of having my children free? True, the prospect seemed
fair; but I knew too well how lightly slaveholders held such “parental
relations.” If pecuniary troubles should come, or if the new wife required
more money than could conveniently be spared, my children might be thought
of as a convenient means of raising funds. I had no trust in thee, O
Slavery! Never should I know peace till my children were emancipated with
all due formalities of law.

I was too proud to ask Mr. Sands to do any thing for my own benefit; but I
could bring myself to become a supplicant for my children. I resolved to
remind him of the promise he had made me, and to throw myself upon his
honor for the performance of it. I persuaded my grandmother to go to him,
and tell him I was not dead, and that I earnestly entreated him to keep
the promise he had made me; that I had heard of the recent proposals
concerning my children, and did not feel easy to accept them; that he had
promised to emancipate them, and it was time for him to redeem his pledge.
I knew there was some risk in thus betraying that I was in the vicinity;
but what will not a mother do for her children? He received the message
with surprise, and said, “The children are free. I have never intended to
claim them as slaves. Linda may decide their fate. In my opinion, they had
better be sent to the north. I don’t think they are quite safe here. Dr.
Flint boasts that they are still in his power. He says they were his
daughter’s property, and as she was not of age when they were sold, the
contract is not legally binding.”

So, then, after all I had endured for their sakes, my poor children were
between two fires; between my old master and their new master! And I was
powerless. There was no protecting arm of the law for me to invoke. Mr.
Sands proposed that Ellen should go, for the present, to some of his
relatives, who had removed to Brooklyn, Long Island. It was promised that
she should be well taken care of, and sent to school. I consented to it,
as the best arrangement I could make for her. My grandmother, of course,
negotiated it all; and Mrs. Sands knew of no other person in the
transaction. She proposed that they should take Ellen with them to
Washington, and keep her till they had a good chance of sending her, with
friends, to Brooklyn. She had an infant daughter. I had had a glimpse of
it, as the nurse passed with it in her arms. It was not a pleasant thought
to me, that the bondwoman’s child should tend her free-born sister; but
there was no alternative. Ellen was made ready for the journey. O, how it
tried my heart to send her away, so young, alone, among strangers! Without
a mother’s love to shelter her from the storms of life; almost without
memory of a mother! I doubted whether she and Benny would have for me the
natural affection that children feel for a parent. I thought to myself
that I might perhaps never see my daughter again, and I had a great desire
that she should look upon me, before she went, that she might take my
image with her in her memory. It seemed to me cruel to have her brought to
my dungeon. It was sorrow enough for her young heart to know that her
mother was a victim of slavery, without seeing the wretched hiding-place
to which it had driven her. I begged permission to pass the last night in
one of the open chambers, with my little girl. They thought I was crazy to
think of trusting such a young child with my perilous secret. I told them
I had watched her character, and I felt sure she would not betray me; that
I was determined to have an interview, and if they would not facilitate
it, I would take my own way to obtain it. They remonstrated against the
rashness of such a proceeding; but finding they could not change my
purpose, they yielded. I slipped through the trap-door into the storeroom,
and my uncle kept watch at the gate, while I passed into the piazza and
went up stairs, to the room I used to occupy. It was more than five years
since I had seen it; and how the memories crowded on me! There I had taken
shelter when my mistress drove me from her house; there came my old
tyrant, to mock, insult, and curse me; there my children were first laid
in my arms; there I had watched over them, each day with a deeper and
sadder love; there I had knelt to God, in anguish of heart, to forgive the
wrong I had done. How vividly it all came back! And after this long,
gloomy interval, I stood there such a wreck!

In the midst of these meditations, I heard footsteps on the stairs. The
door opened, and my uncle Phillip came in, leading Ellen by the hand. I
put my arms round her, and said, “Ellen, my dear child, I am your mother.”
She drew back a little, and looked at me; then, with sweet confidence, she
laid her cheek against mine, and I folded her to the heart that had been
so long desolated. She was the first to speak. Raising her head, she said,
inquiringly, “You really are my mother?” I told her I really was;
that during all the long time she had not seen me, I had loved her most
tenderly; and that now she was going away, I wanted to see her and talk
with her, that she might remember me. With a sob in her voice, she said,
“I’m glad you’ve come to see me; but why didn’t you ever come before?
Benny and I have wanted so much to see you! He remembers you, and
sometimes he tells me about you. Why didn’t you come home when Dr. Flint
went to bring you?”

I answered, “I couldn’t come before, dear. But now that I am with you,
tell me whether you like to go away.” “I don’t know,” said she, crying.
“Grandmother says I ought not to cry; that I am going to a good place,
where I can learn to read and write, and that by and by I can write her a
letter. But I shan’t have Benny, or grandmother, or uncle Phillip, or any
body to love me. Can’t you go with me? O, do go, dear mother!”

I told her I couldn’t go now; but sometime I would come to her, and then
she and Benny and I would live together, and have happy times. She wanted
to run and bring Benny to see me now. I told her he was going to the
north, before long, with uncle Phillip, and then I would come to see him
before he went away. I asked if she would like to have me stay all night
and sleep with her. “O, yes,” she replied. Then, turning to her uncle, she
said, pleadingly, “May I stay? Please, uncle! She is my own
mother.” He laid his hand on her head, and said, solemnly, “Ellen, this is
the secret you have promised grandmother never to tell. If you ever speak
of it to any body, they will never let you see your grandmother again, and
your mother can never come to Brooklyn.” “Uncle,” she replied, “I will
never tell.” He told her she might stay with me; and when he had gone, I
took her in my arms and told her I was a slave, and that was the reason
she must never say she had seen me. I exhorted her to be a good child, to
try to please the people where she was going, and that God would raise her
up friends. I told her to say her prayers, and remember always to pray for
her poor mother, and that God would permit us to meet again. She wept, and
I did not check her tears. Perhaps she would never again have a chance to
pour her tears into a mother’s bosom. All night she nestled in my arms,
and I had no inclination to slumber. The moments were too precious to lose
any of them. Once, when I thought she was asleep, I kissed her forehead
softly, and she said, “I am not asleep, dear mother.”

Before dawn they came to take me back to my den. I drew aside the window
curtain, to take a last look of my child. The moonlight shone on her face,
and I bent over her, as I had done years before, that wretched night when
I ran away. I hugged her close to my throbbing heart; and tears, too sad
for such young eyes to shed, flowed down her cheeks, as she gave her last
kiss, and whispered in my ear, “Mother, I will never tell.” And she never
did.

When I got back to my den, I threw myself on the bed and wept there alone
in the darkness. It seemed as if my heart would burst. When the time for
Ellen’s departure drew nigh, I could hear neighbors and friends saying to
her, “Good by, Ellen. I hope your poor mother will find you out. Won’t
you be glad to see her!” She replied, “Yes, ma’am;” and they little
dreamed of the weighty secret that weighed down her young heart. She was
an affectionate child, but naturally very reserved, except with those she
loved, and I felt secure that my secret would be safe with her. I heard
the gate close after her, with such feelings as only a slave mother can
experience. During the day my meditations were very sad. Sometimes I
feared I had been very selfish not to give up all claim to her, and let
her go to Illinois, to be adopted by Mrs. Sands’s sister. It was my
experience of slavery that decided me against it. I feared that
circumstances might arise that would cause her to be sent back. I felt
confident that I should go to New York myself; and then I should be able
to watch over her, and in some degree protect her.

Dr. Flint’s family knew nothing of the proposed arrangement till after
Ellen was gone, and the news displeased them greatly. Mrs. Flint called on
Mrs. Sands’s sister to inquire into the matter. She expressed her opinion
very freely as to the respect Mr. Sands showed for his wife, and for his
own character, in acknowledging those “young niggers.” And as for sending
Ellen away, she pronounced it to be just as much stealing as it would be
for him to come and take a piece of furniture out of her parlor. She said
her daughter was not of age to sign the bill of sale, and the children
were her property; and when she became of age, or was married, she could
take them, wherever she could lay hands on them.

Miss Emily Flint, the little girl to whom I had been bequeathed, was now
in her sixteenth year. Her mother considered it all right and honorable
for her, or her future husband, to steal my children; but she did not
understand how any body could hold up their heads in respectable society,
after they had purchased their own children, as Mr. Sands had done. Dr.
Flint said very little. Perhaps he thought that Benny would be less likely
to be sent away if he kept quiet. One of my letters, that fell into his
hands, was dated from Canada; and he seldom spoke of me now. This state of
things enabled me to slip down into the storeroom more frequently, where I
could stand upright, and move my limbs more freely.

Days, weeks, and months passed, and there came no news of Ellen. I sent a
letter to Brooklyn, written in my grandmother’s name, to inquire whether
she had arrived there. Answer was returned that she had not. I wrote to
her in Washington; but no notice was taken of it. There was one person
there, who ought to have had some sympathy with the anxiety of the child’s
friends at home; but the links of such relations as he had formed with me,
are easily broken and cast away as rubbish. Yet how protectingly and
persuasively he once talked to the poor, helpless slave girl! And how
entirely I trusted him! But now suspicions darkened my mind. Was my child
dead, or had they deceived me, and sold her?

If the secret memoirs of many members of Congress should be published,
curious details would be unfolded. I once saw a letter from a member of
Congress to a slave, who was the mother of six of his children. He wrote
to request that she would send her children away from the great house
before his return, as he expected to be accompanied by friends. The woman
could not read, and was obliged to employ another to read the letter. The
existence of the colored children did not trouble this gentleman, it was
only the fear that friends might recognize in their features a resemblance
to him.

At the end of six months, a letter came to my grandmother, from Brooklyn.
It was written by a young lady in the family, and announced that Ellen had
just arrived. It contained the following message from her: “I do try to do
just as you told me to, and I pray for you every night and morning.” I
understood that these words were meant for me; and they were a balsam to
my heart. The writer closed her letter by saying, “Ellen is a nice little
girl, and we shall like to have her with us. My cousin, Mr. Sands, has
given her to me, to be my little waiting maid. I shall send her to school,
and I hope some day she will write to you herself.” This letter perplexed
and troubled me. Had my child’s father merely placed her there till she
was old enough to support herself? Or had he given her to his cousin, as a
piece of property? If the last idea was correct, his cousin might return
to the south at any time, and hold Ellen as a slave. I tried to put away
from me the painful thought that such a foul wrong could have been done to
us. I said to myself, “Surely there must be some justice in man;”
then I remembered, with a sigh, how slavery perverted all the natural
feelings of the human heart. It gave me a pang to look on my light-hearted
boy. He believed himself free; and to have him brought under the yoke of
slavery, would be more than I could bear. How I longed to have him safely
out of the reach of its power!

XXVIII. Aunt Nancy.

I have mentioned my great-aunt, who was a slave in Dr. Flint’s family, and
who had been my refuge during the shameful persecutions I suffered from
him. This aunt had been married at twenty years of age; that is, as far as
slaves can marry. She had the consent of her master and mistress,
and a clergyman performed the ceremony. But it was a mere form, without
any legal value. Her master or mistress could annul it any day they
pleased. She had always slept on the floor in the entry, near Mrs. Flint’s
chamber door, that she might be within call. When she was married, she was
told she might have the use of a small room in an out-house. Her mother and
her husband furnished it. He was a seafaring man, and was allowed to sleep
there when he was at home. But on the wedding evening, the bride was
ordered to her old post on the entry floor.

Mrs. Flint, at that time, had no children; but she was expecting to be a
mother, and if she should want a drink of water in the night, what could
she do without her slave to bring it? So my aunt was compelled to lie at
her door, until one midnight she was forced to leave, to give premature
birth to a child. In a fortnight she was required to resume her place on
the entry floor, because Mrs. Flint’s babe needed her attentions. She kept
her station there through summer and winter, until she had given premature
birth to six children; and all the while she was employed as night-nurse
to Mrs. Flint’s children. Finally, toiling all day, and being deprived of
rest at night, completely broke down her constitution, and Dr. Flint
declared it was impossible she could ever become the mother of a living
child. The fear of losing so valuable a servant by death, now induced them
to allow her to sleep in her little room in the out-house, except when
there was sickness in the family. She afterwards had two feeble babes, one
of whom died in a few days, and the other in four weeks. I well remember
her patient sorrow as she held the last dead baby in her arms. “I wish it
could have lived,” she said; “it is not the will of God that any of my
children should live. But I will try to be fit to meet their little
spirits in heaven.”

Aunt Nancy was housekeeper and waiting-maid in Dr. Flint’s family. Indeed,
she was the factotum of the household. Nothing went on well without
her. She was my mother’s twin sister, and, as far as was in her power, she
supplied a mother’s place to us orphans. I slept with her all the time I
lived in my old master’s house, and the bond between us was very strong.
When my friends tried to discourage me from running away, she always
encouraged me. When they thought I had better return and ask my master’s
pardon, because there was no possibility of escape, she sent me word never
to yield. She said if I persevered I might, perhaps, gain the freedom of
my children; and even if I perished in doing it, that was better than to
leave them to groan under the same persecutions that had blighted my own
life. After I was shut up in my dark cell, she stole away, whenever she
could, to bring me the news and say something cheering. How often did I
kneel down to listen to her words of consolation, whispered through a
crack! “I am old, and have not long to live,” she used to say; “and I
could die happy if I could only see you and the children free. You must
pray to God, Linda, as I do for you, that he will lead you out of this
darkness.” I would beg her not to worry herself on my account; that there
was an end of all suffering sooner or later, and that whether I lived in
chains or in freedom, I should always remember her as the good friend who
had been the comfort of my life. A word from her always strengthened me;
and not me only. The whole family relied upon her judgment, and were
guided by her advice.

I had been in my cell six years when my grandmother
was summoned to the bedside of this, her last remaining daughter. She was
very ill, and they said she would die. Grandmother had not entered Dr.
Flint’s house for several years. They had treated her cruelly, but she
thought nothing of that now. She was grateful for permission to watch by
the death-bed of her child. They had always been devoted to each other;
and now they sat looking into each other’s eyes, longing to speak of the
secret that had weighed so much on the hearts of both. My aunt had been
stricken with paralysis. She lived but two days, and the last day she was
speechless. Before she lost the power of utterance, she told her mother
not to grieve if she could not speak to her; that she would try to hold up
her hand, to let her know that all was well with her. Even the
hard-hearted doctor was a little softened when he saw the dying woman try
to smile on the aged mother, who was kneeling by her side. His eyes
moistened for a moment, as he said she had always been a faithful servant,
and they should never be able to supply her place. Mrs. Flint took to her
bed, quite overcome by the shock. While my grandmother sat alone with the
dead, the doctor came in, leading his youngest son, who had always been a
great pet with aunt Nancy, and was much attached to her. “Martha,” said
he, “aunt Nancy loved this child, and when he comes where you are, I hope
you will be kind to him, for her sake.” She replied, “Your wife was my
foster-child, Dr. Flint, the foster-sister of my poor Nancy, and you
little know me if you think I can feel any thing but good will for her
children.”

“I wish the past could be forgotten, and that we might never think of it,”
said he; “and that Linda would come to supply her aunt’s place. She would
be worth more to us than all the money that could be paid for her. I wish
it for your sake also, Martha. Now that Nancy is taken away from you, she
would be a great comfort to your old age.”

He knew he was touching a
tender chord. Almost choking with grief, my grandmother replied, “It was
not I that drove Linda away. My grandchildren are gone; and of my nine
children only one is left. God help me!”

To me, the death of this kind relative was an inexpressible sorrow. I knew
that she had been slowly murdered; and I felt that my troubles had helped
to finish the work. After I heard of her illness, I listened constantly to
hear what news was brought from the great house; and the thought that I
could not go to her made me utterly miserable. At last, as uncle Phillip
came into the house, I heard some one inquire, “How is she?” and he
answered, “She is dead.” My little cell seemed whirling round, and I knew
nothing more till I opened my eyes and found uncle Phillip bending over
me. I had no need to ask any questions. He whispered, “Linda, she died
happy.” I could not weep. My fixed gaze troubled him. “Don’t look so,”
he said. “Don’t add to my poor mother’s trouble. Remember how much she has
to bear, and that we ought to do all we can to comfort her.” Ah, yes, that
blessed old grandmother, who for seventy-three years had borne the pelting
storms of a slave-mother’s life. She did indeed need consolation!

Mrs. Flint had rendered her poor foster-sister childless, apparently
without any compunction; and with cruel selfishness had ruined her health
by years of incessant, unrequited toil, and broken rest. But now she
became very sentimental. I suppose she thought it would be a beautiful
illustration of the attachment existing between slaveholder and slave, if
the body of her old worn-out servant was buried at her feet. She sent for
the clergyman and asked if he had any objection to burying aunt Nancy in
the doctor’s family burial-place. No colored person had ever been allowed
interment in the white people’s burying-ground, and the minister knew that
all the deceased of our family reposed together in the old graveyard of
the slaves. He therefore replied, “I have no objection to complying with
your wish; but perhaps aunt Nancy’s mother may have some choice as
to where her remains shall be deposited.”

It had never occurred to Mrs. Flint that slaves could have any feelings.
When my grandmother was consulted, she at once said she wanted Nancy to
lie with all the rest of her family, and where her own old body would be
buried. Mrs. Flint graciously complied with her wish, though she said it
was painful to her to have Nancy buried away from her. She might
have added with touching pathos, “I was so long used to sleep with
her lying near me, on the entry floor.”

My uncle Phillip asked permission to bury his sister at his own expense;
and slaveholders are always ready to grant such favors to slaves
and their relatives. The arrangements were very plain, but perfectly
respectable. She was buried on the Sabbath, and Mrs. Flint’s minister read
the funeral service. There was a large concourse of colored people, bond
and free, and a few white persons who had always been friendly to our
family. Dr. Flint’s carriage was in the procession; and when the body was
deposited in its humble resting place, the mistress dropped a tear, and
returned to her carriage, probably thinking she had performed her duty
nobly.

It was talked of by the slaves as a mighty grand funeral. Northern
travellers, passing through the place, might have described this tribute
of respect to the humble dead as a beautiful feature in the “patriarchal
institution;” a touching proof of the attachment between slaveholders and
their servants; and tender-hearted Mrs. Flint would have confirmed this
impression, with handkerchief at her eyes. We could have told them
a different story. We could have given them a chapter of wrongs and
sufferings, that would have touched their hearts, if they had any
hearts to feel for the colored people. We could have told them how the
poor old slave-mother had toiled, year after year, to earn eight hundred
dollars to buy her son Phillip’s right to his own earnings; and how that
same Phillip paid the expenses of the funeral, which they regarded as
doing so much credit to the master. We could also have told them of a
poor, blighted young creature, shut up in a living grave for years, to
avoid the tortures that would be inflicted on her, if she ventured to come
out and look on the face of her departed friend.

All this, and much more, I thought of, as I sat at my loophole, waiting
for the family to return from the grave; sometimes weeping, sometimes
falling asleep, dreaming strange dreams of the dead and the living.

It was sad to witness the grief of my bereaved grandmother. She had always
been strong to bear, and now, as ever, religious faith supported her. But
her dark life had become still darker, and age and trouble were leaving
deep traces on her withered face. She had four places to knock for me to
come to the trap-door, and each place had a different meaning. She now came
oftener than she had done, and talked to me of her dead daughter, while
tears trickled slowly down her furrowed cheeks. I said all I could to
comfort her; but it was a sad reflection, that instead of being able to
help her, I was a constant source of anxiety and trouble. The poor old
back was fitted to its burden. It bent under it, but did not break.

XXIX. Preparations For Escape.

I hardly expect that the reader will credit me, when I affirm that I lived
in that little dismal hole, almost deprived of light and air, and with no
space to move my limbs, for nearly seven years. But it is a fact; and to
me a sad one, even now; for my body still suffers from the effects of that
long imprisonment, to say nothing of my soul. Members of my family, now
living in New York and Boston, can testify to the truth of what I say.

Countless were the nights that I sat late at the little loophole scarcely
large enough to give me a glimpse of one twinkling star. There, I heard the
patrols and slave-hunters conferring together about the capture of
runaways, well knowing how rejoiced they would be to catch me.

Season after season, year after year, I peeped at my children’s faces, and
heard their sweet voices, with a heart yearning all the while to say,
“Your mother is here.” Sometimes it appeared to me as if ages had rolled
away since I entered upon that gloomy, monotonous existence. At times, I
was stupefied and listless; at other times I became very impatient to know
when these dark years would end, and I should again be allowed to feel the
sunshine, and breathe the pure air.

After Ellen left us, this feeling increased. Mr. Sands had agreed that
Benny might go to the north whenever his uncle Phillip could go with him;
and I was anxious to be there also, to watch over my children, and protect
them so far as I was able. Moreover, I was likely to be drowned out of my
den, if I remained much longer; for the slight roof was getting badly out
of repair, and uncle Phillip was afraid to remove the shingles, lest some
one should get a glimpse of me. When storms occurred in the night, they
spread mats and bits of carpet, which in the morning appeared to have been
laid out to dry; but to cover the roof in the daytime might have attracted
attention. Consequently, my clothes and bedding were often drenched; a
process by which the pains and aches in my cramped and stiffened limbs
were greatly increased. I revolved various plans of escape in my mind,
which I sometimes imparted to my grandmother, when she came to whisper
with me at the trap-door. The kind-hearted old woman had an intense
sympathy for runaways. She had known too much of the cruelties inflicted
on those who were captured. Her memory always flew back at once to the
sufferings of her bright and handsome son, Benjamin, the youngest and
dearest of her flock. So, whenever I alluded to the subject, she would
groan out, “O, don’t think of it, child. You’ll break my heart.” I had no
good old aunt Nancy now to encourage me; but my brother William and my
children were continually beckoning me to the north.

And now I must go back a few months in my story. I have stated that the
first of January was the time for selling slaves, or leasing them out to
new masters. If time were counted by heart-throbs, the poor slaves might
reckon years of suffering during that festival so joyous to the free. On
the New Year’s day preceding my aunt’s death, one of my friends, named
Fanny, was to be sold at auction, to pay her master’s debts. My thoughts
were with her during all the day, and at night I anxiously inquired what
had been her fate. I was told that she had been sold to one master, and
her four little girls to another master, far distant; that she had escaped
from her purchaser, and was not to be found. Her mother was the old Aggie
I have spoken of. She lived in a small tenement belonging to my
grandmother, and built on the same lot with her own house. Her dwelling
was searched and watched, and that brought the patrols so near me that I
was obliged to keep very close in my den. The hunters were somehow eluded;
and not long afterwards Benny accidentally caught sight of Fanny in her
mother’s hut. He told his grandmother, who charged him never to speak of
it, explaining to him the frightful consequences; and he never betrayed
the trust. Aggie little dreamed that my grandmother knew where her
daughter was concealed, and that the stooping form of her old neighbor was
bending under a similar burden of anxiety and fear; but these dangerous
secrets deepened the sympathy between the two old persecuted mothers.

My friend Fanny and I remained many weeks hidden within call of each
other; but she was unconscious of the fact. I longed to have her share my
den, which seemed a more secure retreat than her own; but I had brought so
much trouble on my grandmother, that it seemed wrong to ask her to incur
greater risks. My restlessness increased. I had lived too long in bodily
pain and anguish of spirit. Always I was in dread that by some accident,
or some contrivance, slavery would succeed in snatching my children from
me. This thought drove me nearly frantic, and I determined to steer for
the North Star at all hazards. At this crisis, Providence opened an
unexpected way for me to escape. My friend Peter came one evening, and
asked to speak with me. “Your day has come, Linda,” said he. “I have found
a chance for you to go to the Free States. You have a fortnight to
decide.” The news seemed too good to be true; but Peter explained his
arrangements, and told me all that was necessary was for me to say I would
go. I was going to answer him with a joyful yes, when the thought of Benny
came to my mind. I told him the temptation was exceedingly strong, but I
was terribly afraid of Dr. Flint’s alleged power over my child, and that I
could not go and leave him behind. Peter remonstrated earnestly. He said
such a good chance might never occur again; that Benny was free, and could
be sent to me; and that for the sake of my children’s welfare I ought not
to hesitate a moment. I told him I would consult with uncle Phillip. My
uncle rejoiced in the plan, and bade me go by all means. He promised, if
his life was spared, that he would either bring or send my son to me as
soon as I reached a place of safety. I resolved to go, but thought nothing
had better be said to my grandmother till very near the time of departure.
But my uncle thought she would feel it more keenly if I left her so
suddenly. “I will reason with her,” said he, “and convince her how
necessary it is, not only for your sake, but for hers also. You cannot be
blind to the fact that she is sinking under her burdens.” I was not blind
to it. I knew that my concealment was an ever-present source of anxiety,
and that the older she grew the more nervously fearful she was of
discovery. My uncle talked with her, and finally succeeded in persuading
her that it was absolutely necessary for me to seize the chance so
unexpectedly offered.

The anticipation of being a free woman proved almost too much for my weak
frame. The excitement stimulated me, and at the same time bewildered me. I
made busy preparations for my journey, and for my son to follow me. I
resolved to have an interview with him before I went, that I might give
him cautions and advice, and tell him how anxiously I should be waiting
for him at the north. Grandmother stole up to me as often as possible to
whisper words of counsel. She insisted upon my writing to Dr. Flint, as soon
as I arrived in the Free States, and asking him to sell me to her. She
said she would sacrifice her house, and all she had in the world, for the
sake of having me safe with my children in any part of the world. If she
could only live to know that she could die in peace. I promised the
dear old faithful friend that I would write to her as soon as I arrived,
and put the letter in a safe way to reach her; but in my own mind I
resolved that not another cent of her hard earnings should be spent to pay
rapacious slaveholders for what they called their property. And even if I
had not been unwilling to buy what I had already a right to possess,
common humanity would have prevented me from accepting the generous offer,
at the expense of turning my aged relative out of house and home, when she
was trembling on the brink of the grave.

I was to escape in a vessel; but I forbear to mention any further
particulars. I was in readiness, but the vessel was unexpectedly detained
several days. Meantime, news came to town of a most horrible murder
committed on a fugitive slave, named James. Charity, the mother of this
unfortunate young man, had been an old acquaintance of ours. I have told
the shocking particulars of his death, in my description of some of the
neighboring slaveholders. My grandmother, always nervously sensitive about
runaways, was terribly frightened. She felt sure that a similar fate
awaited me, if I did not desist from my enterprise. She sobbed, and
groaned, and entreated me not to go. Her excessive fear was somewhat
contagious, and my heart was not proof against her extreme agony. I was
grievously disappointed, but I promised to relinquish my project.

When my friend Peter was apprised of this, he was both disappointed and
vexed. He said, that judging from our past experience, it would be a long
time before I had such another chance to throw away. I told him it need
not be thrown away; that I had a friend concealed near by, who would be
glad enough to take the place that had been provided for me. I told him
about poor Fanny, and the kind-hearted, noble fellow, who never turned his
back upon any body in distress, white or black, expressed his readiness to
help her. Aggie was much surprised when she found that we knew her secret.
She was rejoiced to hear of such a chance for Fanny, and arrangements were
made for her to go on board the vessel the next night. They both supposed
that I had long been at the north, therefore my name was not mentioned in
the transaction. Fanny was carried on board at the appointed time, and
stowed away in a very small cabin. This accommodation had been purchased
at a price that would pay for a voyage to England. But when one proposes
to go to fine old England, they stop to calculate whether they can afford
the cost of the pleasure; while in making a bargain to escape from
slavery, the trembling victim is ready to say, “take all I have, only
don’t betray me!”

The next morning I peeped through my loophole, and saw that it was dark
and cloudy. At night I received news that the wind was ahead, and the
vessel had not sailed. I was exceedingly anxious about Fanny, and Peter
too, who was running a tremendous risk at my instigation. Next day the
wind and weather remained the same. Poor Fanny had been half dead with
fright when they carried her on board, and I could readily imagine how she
must be suffering now. Grandmother came often to my den, to say how
thankful she was I did not go. On the third morning she rapped for me to
come down to the storeroom. The poor old sufferer was breaking down under
her weight of trouble. She was easily flurried now. I found her in a
nervous, excited state, but I was not aware that she had forgotten to lock
the door behind her, as usual. She was exceedingly worried about the
detention of the vessel. She was afraid all would be discovered, and then
Fanny, and Peter, and I, would all be tortured to death, and Phillip would
be utterly ruined, and her house would be torn down. Poor Peter! If he
should die such a horrible death as the poor slave James had lately done,
and all for his kindness in trying to help me, how dreadful it would be
for us all! Alas, the thought was familiar to me, and had sent many a
sharp pang through my heart. I tried to suppress my own anxiety, and speak
soothingly to her. She brought in some allusion to aunt Nancy, the dear
daughter she had recently buried, and then she lost all control of
herself. As she stood there, trembling and sobbing, a voice from the
piazza called out, “Whar is you, aunt Marthy?” Grandmother was startled,
and in her agitation opened the door, without thinking of me. In stepped
Jenny, the mischievous housemaid, who had tried to enter my room, when I
was concealed in the house of my white benefactress. “I’s bin huntin ebery
whar for you, aunt Marthy,” said she. “My missis wants you to send her
some crackers.” I had slunk down behind a barrel, which entirely screened
me, but I imagined that Jenny was looking directly at the spot, and my
heart beat violently. My grandmother immediately thought what she had
done, and went out quickly with Jenny to count the crackers, locking the
door after her. She returned to me, in a few minutes, the perfect picture
of despair. “Poor child!” she exclaimed, “my carelessness has ruined you.
The boat ain’t gone yet. Get ready immediately, and go with Fanny. I ain’t
got another word to say against it now; for there’s no telling what may
happen this day.”

Uncle Phillip was sent for, and he agreed with his mother in thinking that
Jenny would inform Dr. Flint in less than twenty-four hours. He advised
getting me on board the boat, if possible; if not, I had better keep very
still in my den, where they could not find me without tearing the house
down. He said it would not do for him to move in the matter, because
suspicion would be immediately excited; but he promised to communicate
with Peter. I felt reluctant to apply to him again, having implicated him
too much already; but there seemed to be no alternative. Vexed as Peter
had been by my indecision, he was true to his generous nature, and said at
once that he would do his best to help me, trusting I should show myself a
stronger woman this time.

He immediately proceeded to the wharf, and found that the wind had
shifted, and the vessel was slowly beating down stream. On some pretext of
urgent necessity, he offered two boatmen a dollar apiece to catch up with
her. He was of lighter complexion than the boatmen he hired, and when the
captain saw them coming so rapidly, he thought officers were pursuing his
vessel in search of the runaway slave he had on board. They hoisted sails,
but the boat gained upon them, and the indefatigable Peter sprang on
board.

The captain at once recognized him. Peter asked him to go below, to speak
about a bad bill he had given him. When he told his errand, the captain
replied, “Why, the woman’s here already; and I’ve put her where you or the
devil would have a tough job to find her.”

“But it is another woman I want to bring,” said Peter. “She is in
great distress, too, and you shall be paid any thing within reason, if
you’ll stop and take her.”

“What’s her name?” inquired the captain.

“Linda,” he replied.

“That’s the name of the woman already here,” rejoined the captain. “By
George! I believe you mean to betray me.”

“O!” exclaimed Peter, “God knows I wouldn’t harm a hair of your head. I am
too grateful to you. But there really is another woman in great
danger. Do have the humanity to stop and take her!”

After a while they came to an understanding. Fanny, not dreaming I was any
where about in that region, had assumed my name, though she called herself
Johnson. “Linda is a common name,” said Peter, “and the woman I want to
bring is Linda Brent.”

The captain agreed to wait at a certain place till evening, being
handsomely paid for his detention.

Of course, the day was an anxious one for us all. But we concluded that if
Jenny had seen me, she would be too wise to let her mistress know of it;
and that she probably would not get a chance to see Dr. Flint’s family
till evening, for I knew very well what were the rules in that household.
I afterwards believed that she did not see me; for nothing ever came of
it, and she was one of those base characters that would have jumped to
betray a suffering fellow being for the sake of thirty pieces of silver.

I made all my arrangements to go on board as soon as it was dusk. The
intervening time I resolved to spend with my son. I had not spoken to him
for seven years, though I had been under the same roof, and seen him every
day, when I was well enough to sit at the loophole. I did not dare to
venture beyond the storeroom; so they brought him there, and locked us up
together, in a place concealed from the piazza door. It was an agitating
interview for both of us. After we had talked and wept together for a
little while, he said, “Mother, I’m glad you’re going away. I wish I could
go with you. I knew you was here; and I have been so afraid they
would come and catch you!”

I was greatly surprised, and asked him how he
had found it out.

He replied, “I was standing under the eaves, one day, before Ellen went
away, and I heard somebody cough up over the wood shed. I don’t know what
made me think it was you, but I did think so. I missed Ellen, the night
before she went away; and grandmother brought her back into the room in
the night; and I thought maybe she’d been to see you, before she
went, for I heard grandmother whisper to her, ‘Now go to sleep; and
remember never to tell.’”

I asked him if he ever mentioned his suspicions to his sister. He said he
never did; but after he heard the cough, if he saw her playing with other
children on that side of the house, he always tried to coax her round to
the other side, for fear they would hear me cough, too. He said he had
kept a close lookout for Dr. Flint, and if he saw him speak to a
constable, or a patrol, he always told grandmother. I now recollected that
I had seen him manifest uneasiness, when people were on that side of the
house, and I had at the time been puzzled to conjecture a motive for his
actions. Such prudence may seem extraordinary in a boy of twelve years,
but slaves, being surrounded by mysteries, deceptions, and dangers, early
learn to be suspicious and watchful, and prematurely cautious and cunning.
He had never asked a question of grandmother, or uncle Phillip, and I had
often heard him chime in with other children, when they spoke of my being
at the north.

I told him I was now really going to the Free States, and if he was a
good, honest boy, and a loving child to his dear old grandmother, the Lord
would bless him, and bring him to me, and we and Ellen would live
together. He began to tell me that grandmother had not eaten any thing all
day. While he was speaking, the door was unlocked, and she came in with a
small bag of money, which she wanted me to take. I begged her to keep a
part of it, at least, to pay for Benny’s being sent to the north; but she
insisted, while her tears were falling fast, that I should take the whole.
“You may be sick among strangers,” she said, “and they would send you to
the poorhouse to die.” Ah, that good grandmother!

For the last time I went up to my nook. Its desolate appearance no longer
chilled me, for the light of hope had risen in my soul. Yet, even with the
blessed prospect of freedom before me, I felt very sad at leaving forever
that old homestead, where I had been sheltered so long by the dear old
grandmother; where I had dreamed my first young dream of love; and where,
after that had faded away, my children came to twine themselves so closely
round my desolate heart. As the hour approached for me to leave, I again
descended to the storeroom. My grandmother and Benny were there. She took
me by the hand, and said, “Linda, let us pray.” We knelt down together,
with my child pressed to my heart, and my other arm round the faithful,
loving old friend I was about to leave forever. On no other occasion has
it ever been my lot to listen to so fervent a supplication for mercy and
protection. It thrilled through my heart, and inspired me with trust in
God.

Peter was waiting for me in the street. I was soon by his side, faint in
body, but strong of purpose. I did not look back upon the old place,
though I felt that I should never see it again.

XXX. Northward Bound.

I never could tell how we reached the wharf. My brain was all of a whirl,
and my limbs tottered under me. At an appointed place we met my uncle
Phillip, who had started before us on a different route, that he might
reach the wharf first, and give us timely warning if there was any danger.
A row-boat was in readiness. As I was about to step in, I felt something
pull me gently, and turning round I saw Benny, looking pale and anxious.
He whispered in my ear, “I’ve been peeping into the doctor’s window, and
he’s at home. Good by, mother. Don’t cry; I’ll come.” He hastened away. I
clasped the hand of my good uncle, to whom I owed so much, and of Peter,
the brave, generous friend who had volunteered to run such terrible risks
to secure my safety. To this day I remember how his bright face beamed
with joy, when he told me he had discovered a safe method for me to
escape. Yet that intelligent, enterprising, noble-hearted man was a
chattel! Liable, by the laws of a country that calls itself civilized, to
be sold with horses and pigs! We parted in silence. Our hearts were all
too full for words!

Swiftly the boat glided over the water. After a while, one of the sailors
said, “Don’t be down-hearted, madam. We will take you safely to your
husband, in ——.” At first I could not imagine what he meant;
but I had presence of mind to think that it probably referred to something
the captain had told him; so I thanked him, and said I hoped we should
have pleasant weather.

When I entered the vessel the captain came forward to meet me. He was an
elderly man, with a pleasant countenance. He showed me to a little box of
a cabin, where sat my friend Fanny. She started as if she had seen a
spectre. She gazed on me in utter astonishment, and exclaimed, “Linda, can
this be you? or is it your ghost?” When we were locked in each
other’s arms, my overwrought feelings could no longer be restrained. My
sobs reached the ears of the captain, who came and very kindly reminded
us, that for his safety, as well as our own, it would be prudent for us
not to attract any attention. He said that when there was a sail in sight
he wished us to keep below; but at other times, he had no objection to our
being on deck. He assured us that he would keep a good lookout, and if we
acted prudently, he thought we should be in no danger. He had represented
us as women going to meet our husbands in ——. We thanked him,
and promised to observe carefully all the directions he gave us.

Fanny and I now talked by ourselves, low and quietly, in our little cabin.
She told me of the sufferings she had gone through in making her escape,
and of her terrors while she was concealed in her mother’s house. Above
all, she dwelt on the agony of separation from all her children on that
dreadful auction day. She could scarcely credit me, when I told her of the
place where I had passed nearly seven years. “We have the same sorrows,”
said I. “No,” replied she, “you are going to see your children soon, and
there is no hope that I shall ever even hear from mine.”

The vessel was soon under way, but we made slow progress. The wind was
against us. I should not have cared for this, if we had been out of sight
of the town; but until there were miles of water between us and our
enemies, we were filled with constant apprehensions that the constables
would come on board. Neither could I feel quite at ease with the captain
and his men. I was an entire stranger to that class of people, and I had
heard that sailors were rough, and sometimes cruel. We were so completely
in their power, that if they were bad men, our situation would be
dreadful. Now that the captain was paid for our passage, might he not be
tempted to make more money by giving us up to those who claimed us as
property? I was naturally of a confiding disposition, but slavery had made
me suspicious of every body. Fanny did not share my distrust of the
captain or his men. She said she was afraid at first, but she had been on
board three days while the vessel lay in the dock, and nobody had betrayed
her, or treated her otherwise than kindly.

The captain soon came to advise us to go on deck for fresh air. His
friendly and respectful manner, combined with Fanny’s testimony, reassured
me, and we went with him. He placed us in a comfortable seat, and
occasionally entered into conversation. He told us he was a Southerner by
birth, and had spent the greater part of his life in the Slave States, and
that he had recently lost a brother who traded in slaves. “But,” said he,
“it is a pitiable and degrading business, and I always felt ashamed to
acknowledge my brother in connection with it.” As we passed Snaky Swamp,
he pointed to it, and said, “There is a slave territory that defies all
the laws.” I thought of the terrible days I had spent there, and though it
was not called Dismal Swamp, it made me feel very dismal as I looked at
it.

I shall never forget that night. The balmy air of spring was so
refreshing! And how shall I describe my sensations when we were fairly
sailing on Chesapeake Bay? O, the beautiful sunshine! the exhilarating
breeze! And I could enjoy them without fear or restraint. I had never
realized what grand things air and sunlight are till I had been deprived
of them.

Ten days after we left land we were approaching Philadelphia. The captain
said we should arrive there in the night, but he thought we had better
wait till morning, and go on shore in broad daylight, as the best way to
avoid suspicion.

I replied, “You know best. But will you stay on board and protect us?”

He saw that I was suspicious, and he said he was sorry, now that he had
brought us to the end of our voyage, to find I had so little confidence in
him. Ah, if he had ever been a slave he would have known how difficult it
was to trust a white man. He assured us that we might sleep through the
night without fear; that he would take care we were not left unprotected.
Be it said to the honor of this captain, Southerner as he was, that if
Fanny and I had been white ladies, and our passage lawfully engaged, he
could not have treated us more respectfully. My intelligent friend, Peter,
had rightly estimated the character of the man to whose honor he had
intrusted us.

The next morning I was on deck as soon as the day dawned. I
called Fanny to see the sun rise, for the first time in our lives, on free
soil; for such I then believed it to be. We watched the reddening
sky, and saw the great orb come up slowly out of the water, as it seemed.
Soon the waves began to sparkle, and every thing caught the beautiful
glow. Before us lay the city of strangers. We looked at each other, and
the eyes of both were moistened with tears. We had escaped from slavery,
and we supposed ourselves to be safe from the hunters. But we were alone
in the world, and we had left dear ties behind us; ties cruelly sundered
by the demon Slavery.

XXXI. Incidents In Philadelphia.

I had heard that the poor slave had many friends at the north. I trusted
we should find some of them. Meantime, we would take it for granted that
all were friends, till they proved to the contrary. I sought out the kind
captain, thanked him for his attentions, and told him I should never cease
to be grateful for the service he had rendered us. I gave him a message to
the friends I had left at home, and he promised to deliver it. We were
placed in a row-boat, and in about fifteen minutes were landed on a wood
wharf in Philadelphia. As I stood looking round, the friendly captain
touched me on the shoulder, and said, “There is a respectable-looking
colored man behind you. I will speak to him about the New York trains, and
tell him you wish to go directly on.” I thanked him, and asked him to
direct me to some shops where I could buy gloves and veils. He did so, and
said he would talk with the colored man till I returned. I made what haste
I could. Constant exercise on board the vessel, and frequent rubbing with
salt water, had nearly restored the use of my limbs. The noise of the
great city confused me, but I found the shops, and bought some double
veils and gloves for Fanny and myself. The shopman told me they were so
many levies. I had never heard the word before, but I did not tell him so.
I thought if he knew I was a stranger he might ask me where I came from. I
gave him a gold piece, and when he returned the change, I counted it, and
found out how much a levy was. I made my way back to the wharf, where the
captain introduced me to the colored man, as the Rev. Jeremiah Durham,
minister of Bethel church. He took me by the hand, as if I had been an old
friend. He told us we were too late for the morning cars to New York, and
must wait until the evening, or the next morning. He invited me to go home
with him, assuring me that his wife would give me a cordial welcome; and
for my friend he would provide a home with one of his neighbors. I thanked
him for so much kindness to strangers, and told him if I must be detained,
I should like to hunt up some people who formerly went from our part of
the country. Mr. Durham insisted that I should dine with him, and then he
would assist me in finding my friends. The sailors came to bid us good by.
I shook their hardy hands, with tears in my eyes. They had all been kind
to us, and they had rendered us a greater service than they could possibly
conceive of.

I had never seen so large a city, or been in contact with so many people
in the streets. It seemed as if those who passed looked at us with an
expression of curiosity. My face was so blistered and peeled, by sitting
on deck, in wind and sunshine, that I thought they could not easily decide
to what nation I belonged.

Mrs. Durham met me with a kindly welcome, without asking any questions. I
was tired, and her friendly manner was a sweet refreshment. God bless her!
I was sure that she had comforted other weary hearts, before I received
her sympathy. She was surrounded by her husband and children, in a home
made sacred by protecting laws. I thought of my own children, and sighed.

After dinner Mr. Durham went with me in quest of the friends I had spoken
of. They went from my native town, and I anticipated much pleasure in
looking on familiar faces. They were not at home, and we retraced our
steps through streets delightfully clean. On the way, Mr. Durham observed
that I had spoken to him of a daughter I expected to meet; that he was
surprised, for I looked so young he had taken me for a single woman. He
was approaching a subject on which I was extremely sensitive. He would ask
about my husband next, I thought, and if I answered him truly, what would
he think of me? I told him I had two children, one in New York the other
at the south. He asked some further questions, and I frankly told him some
of the most important events of my life. It was painful for me to do it;
but I would not deceive him. If he was desirous of being my friend, I
thought he ought to know how far I was worthy of it. “Excuse me, if I have
tried your feelings,” said he. “I did not question you from idle
curiosity. I wanted to understand your situation, in order to know whether
I could be of any service to you, or your little girl. Your
straight-forward answers do you credit; but don’t answer every body so
openly. It might give some heartless people a pretext for treating you
with contempt.”

That word contempt burned me like coals of fire. I replied, “God
alone knows how I have suffered; and He, I trust, will forgive me. If I am
permitted to have my children, I intend to be a good mother, and to live
in such a manner that people cannot treat me with contempt.”

“I respect your sentiments,” said he. “Place your trust in God, and be
governed by good principles, and you will not fail to find friends.”

When we reached home, I went to my room, glad to shut out the world for a
while. The words he had spoken made an indelible impression upon me. They
brought up great shadows from the mournful past. In the midst of my
meditations I was startled by a knock at the door. Mrs. Durham entered,
her face all beaming with kindness, to say that there was an anti-slavery
friend down stairs, who would like to see me. I overcame my dread of
encountering strangers, and went with her. Many questions were asked
concerning my experiences, and my escape from slavery; but I observed how
careful they all were not to say any thing that might wound my feelings.
How gratifying this was, can be fully understood only by those who have
been accustomed to be treated as if they were not included within the pale
of human beings. The anti-slavery friend had come to inquire into my
plans, and to offer assistance, if needed. Fanny was comfortably
established, for the present, with a friend of Mr. Durham. The
Anti-Slavery Society agreed to pay her expenses to New York. The same was
offered to me, but I declined to accept it; telling them that my
grandmother had given me sufficient to pay my expenses to the end of my
journey. We were urged to remain in Philadelphia a few days, until some
suitable escort could be found for us. I gladly accepted the proposition,
for I had a dread of meeting slaveholders, and some dread also of
railroads. I had never entered a railroad car in my life, and it seemed to
me quite an important event.

That night I sought my pillow with feelings I had never carried to it
before. I verily believed myself to be a free woman. I was wakeful for a
long time, and I had no sooner fallen asleep, than I was roused by
fire-bells. I jumped up, and hurried on my clothes. Where I came from,
every body hastened to dress themselves on such occasions. The white
people thought a great fire might be used as a good opportunity for
insurrection, and that it was best to be in readiness; and the colored
people were ordered out to labor in extinguishing the flames. There was
but one engine in our town, and colored women and children were often
required to drag it to the river’s edge and fill it. Mrs. Durham’s
daughter slept in the same room with me, and seeing that she slept through
all the din, I thought it was my duty to wake her. “What’s the matter?”
said she, rubbing her eyes.

“They’re screaming fire in the streets, and the bells are ringing,” I
replied.

“What of that?” said she, drowsily. “We are used to it. We never get up,
without the fire is very near. What good would it do?”

I was quite surprised that it was not necessary for us to go and help fill
the engine. I was an ignorant child, just beginning to learn how things
went on in great cities.

At daylight, I heard women crying fresh fish, berries, radishes, and
various other things. All this was new to me. I dressed myself at an early
hour, and sat at the window to watch that unknown tide of life.
Philadelphia seemed to me a wonderfully great place. At the breakfast
table, my idea of going out to drag the engine was laughed over, and I
joined in the mirth.

I went to see Fanny, and found her so well contented among her new friends
that she was in no haste to leave. I was also very happy with my kind
hostess. She had had advantages for education, and was vastly my superior.
Every day, almost every hour, I was adding to my little stock of
knowledge. She took me out to see the city as much as she deemed prudent.
One day she took me to an artist’s room, and showed me the portraits of
some of her children. I had never seen any paintings of colored people
before, and they seemed to me beautiful.

At the end of five days, one of Mrs. Durham’s friends offered to accompany
us to New York the following morning. As I held the hand of my good
hostess in a parting clasp, I longed to know whether her husband had
repeated to her what I had told him. I supposed he had, but she never made
any allusion to it. I presume it was the delicate silence of womanly
sympathy.

When Mr. Durham handed us our tickets, he said, “I am afraid you will have
a disagreeable ride; but I could not procure tickets for the first class cars.”

Supposing I had not given him money enough, I offered more. “O, no,” said
he, “they could not be had for any money. They don’t allow colored people
to go in the first-class cars.”

This was the first chill to my enthusiasm about the Free States. Colored
people were allowed to ride in a filthy box, behind white people, at the
south, but there they were not required to pay for the privilege. It made
me sad to find how the north aped the customs of slavery.

We were stowed away in a large, rough car, with windows on each side, too
high for us to look out without standing up. It was crowded with people,
apparently of all nations. There were plenty of beds and cradles,
containing screaming and kicking babies. Every other man had a cigar or
pipe in his mouth, and jugs of whiskey were handed round freely. The fumes
of the whiskey and the dense tobacco smoke were sickening to my senses,
and my mind was equally nauseated by the coarse jokes and ribald songs
around me. It was a very disagreeable ride. Since that time there has been
some improvement in these matters.

XXXII. The Meeting Of Mother And Daughter.

When we arrived in New York, I was half crazed by the crowd of coachmen
calling out, “Carriage, ma’am?” We bargained with one to take us to
Sullivan Street for twelve shillings. A burly Irishman stepped up and
said, “I’ll tak’ ye for sax shillings.” The reduction of half the price
was an object to us, and we asked if he could take us right away. “Troth
an I will, ladies,” he replied. I noticed that the hackmen smiled at each
other, and I inquired whether his conveyance was decent. “Yes, it’s dacent
it is, marm. Devil a bit would I be after takin’ ladies in a cab that was
not dacent.” We gave him our checks. He went for the baggage, and soon
reappeared, saying, “This way, if you plase, ladies.” We followed, and
found our trunks on a truck, and we were invited to take our seats on
them. We told him that was not what we bargained for, and he must take the
trunks off. He swore they should not be touched till we had paid him six
shillings. In our situation it was not prudent to attract attention, and I
was about to pay him what he required, when a man near by shook his head
for me not to do it. After a great ado we got rid of the Irishman, and had
our trunks fastened on a hack. We had been recommended to a boarding-house
in Sullivan Street, and thither we drove. There Fanny and I separated. The
Anti-Slavery Society provided a home for her, and I afterwards heard of
her in prosperous circumstances. I sent for an old friend from my part of
the country, who had for some time been doing business in New York. He
came immediately. I told him I wanted to go to my daughter, and asked him
to aid me in procuring an interview.

I cautioned him not to let it be known to the family that I had just
arrived from the south, because they supposed I had been at the north
seven years. He told me there was a colored woman in Brooklyn who came
from the same town I did, and I had better go to her house, and have my
daughter meet me there. I accepted the proposition thankfully, and he
agreed to escort me to Brooklyn. We crossed Fulton ferry, went up Myrtle
Avenue, and stopped at the house he designated. I was just about to enter,
when two girls passed. My friend called my attention to them. I turned,
and recognized in the eldest, Sarah, the daughter of a woman who used to
live with my grandmother, but who had left the south years ago. Surprised
and rejoiced at this unexpected meeting, I threw my arms round her, and
inquired concerning her mother.

“You take no notice of the other girl,” said my friend. I turned, and
there stood my Ellen! I pressed her to my heart, then held her away from
me to take a look at her. She had changed a good deal in the two years
since I parted from her. Signs of neglect could be discerned by eyes less
observing than a mother’s. My friend invited us all to go into the house;
but Ellen said she had been sent of an errand, which she would do as
quickly as possible, and go home and ask Mrs. Hobbs to let her come and
see me. It was agreed that I should send for her the next day. Her
companion, Sarah, hastened to tell her mother of my arrival. When I
entered the house, I found the mistress of it absent, and I waited for her
return. Before I saw her, I heard her saying, “Where is Linda Brent? I
used to know her father and mother.” Soon Sarah came with her mother. So
there was quite a company of us, all from my grandmother’s neighborhood.
These friends gathered round me and questioned me eagerly. They laughed,
they cried, and they shouted. They thanked God that I had got away from my
persecutors and was safe on Long Island. It was a day of great excitement.
How different from the silent days I had passed in my dreary den!

The next morning was Sunday. My first waking thoughts were occupied with
the note I was to send to Mrs. Hobbs, the lady with whom Ellen lived. That
I had recently come into that vicinity was evident; otherwise I should
have sooner inquired for my daughter. It would not do to let them know I
had just arrived from the south, for that would involve the suspicion of
my having been harbored there, and might bring trouble, if not ruin, on
several people.

I like a straightforward course, and am always reluctant to resort to
subterfuges. So far as my ways have been crooked, I charge them all upon
slavery. It was that system of violence and wrong which now left me no
alternative but to enact a falsehood. I began my note by stating that I
had recently arrived from Canada, and was very desirous to have my
daughter come to see me. She came and brought a message from Mrs. Hobbs,
inviting me to her house, and assuring me that I need not have any fears.
The conversation I had with my child did not leave my mind at ease. When I
asked if she was well treated, she answered yes; but there was no
heartiness in the tone, and it seemed to me that she said it from an
unwillingness to have me troubled on her account. Before she left me, she
asked very earnestly, “Mother, when will you take me to live with you?” It made
me sad to think that I could not give her a home till I went to work and
earned the means; and that might take me a long time. When she was placed
with Mrs. Hobbs, the agreement was that she should be sent to school. She
had been there two years, and was now nine years old, and she scarcely
knew her letters. There was no excuse for this, for there were good public
schools in Brooklyn, to which she could have been sent without expense.

She staid with me till dark, and I went home with her. I was received in a
friendly manner by the family, and all agreed in saying that Ellen was a
useful, good girl. Mrs. Hobbs looked me coolly in the face, and said, “I
suppose you know that my cousin, Mr. Sands, has given her to my
eldest daughter. She will make a nice waiting-maid for her when she grows
up.” I did not answer a word. How could she, who knew by experience
the strength of a mother’s love, and who was perfectly aware of the
relation Mr. Sands bore to my children,—how could she look me
in the face, while she thrust such a dagger into my heart?

I was no longer surprised that they had kept her in such a state of
ignorance. Mr. Hobbs had formerly been wealthy, but he had failed, and
afterwards obtained a subordinate situation in the Custom House. Perhaps
they expected to return to the south some day; and Ellen’s knowledge was
quite sufficient for a slave’s condition. I was impatient to go to work
and earn money, that I might change the uncertain position of my children.
Mr. Sands had not kept his promise to emancipate them. I had also been
deceived about Ellen. What security had I with regard to Benjamin? I felt
that I had none.

I returned to my friend’s house in an uneasy state of mind. In order to
protect my children, it was necessary that I should own myself. I called
myself free, and sometimes felt so; but I knew I was insecure. I sat down
that night and wrote a civil letter to Dr. Flint, asking him to state the
lowest terms on which he would sell me; and as I belonged by law to his
daughter, I wrote to her also, making a similar request.

Since my arrival at the north I had not been unmindful of my dear brother
William. I had made diligent inquiries for him, and having heard of him in
Boston, I went thither. When I arrived there, I found he had gone to New
Bedford. I wrote to that place, and was informed he had gone on a whaling
voyage, and would not return for some months. I went back to New York to
get employment near Ellen. I received an answer from Dr. Flint, which gave
me no encouragement. He advised me to return and submit myself to my
rightful owners, and then any request I might make would be granted. I
lent this letter to a friend, who lost it; otherwise I would present a
copy to my readers.

XXXIII. A Home Found.

My greatest anxiety now was to obtain employment. My health was greatly
improved, though my limbs continued to trouble me with swelling whenever I
walked much. The greatest difficulty in my way was, that those who
employed strangers required a recommendation; and in my peculiar position,
I could, of course, obtain no certificates from the families I had so
faithfully served.

One day an acquaintance told me of a lady who wanted a nurse for her babe,
and I immediately applied for the situation. The lady told me she
preferred to have one who had been a mother, and accustomed to the care of
infants. I told her I had nursed two babes of my own. She asked me many
questions, but, to my great relief, did not require a recommendation from
my former employers. She told me she was an English woman, and that was a
pleasant circumstance to me, because I had heard they had less prejudice
against color than Americans entertained. It was agreed that we should try
each other for a week. The trial proved satisfactory to both parties, and
I was engaged for a month.

The heavenly Father had been most merciful to me in leading me to this
place. Mrs. Bruce was a kind and gentle lady, and proved a true and
sympathizing friend. Before the stipulated month expired, the necessity of
passing up and down stairs frequently, caused my limbs to swell so
painfully, that I became unable to perform my duties. Many ladies would
have thoughtlessly discharged me; but Mrs. Bruce made arrangements to save
me steps, and employed a physician to attend upon me. I had not yet told
her that I was a fugitive slave. She noticed that I was often sad, and
kindly inquired the cause. I spoke of being separated from my children,
and from relatives who were dear to me; but I did not mention the constant
feeling of insecurity which oppressed my spirits. I longed for some one to
confide in; but I had been so deceived by white people, that I had lost
all confidence in them. If they spoke kind words to me, I thought it was
for some selfish purpose. I had entered this family with the distrustful
feelings I had brought with me out of slavery; but ere six months had
passed, I found that the gentle deportment of Mrs. Bruce and the smiles of
her lovely babe were thawing my chilled heart. My narrow mind also began
to expand under the influences of her intelligent conversation, and the
opportunities for reading, which were gladly allowed me whenever I had
leisure from my duties. I gradually became more energetic and more
cheerful.

The old feeling of insecurity, especially with regard to my children,
often threw its dark shadow across my sunshine. Mrs. Bruce offered me a
home for Ellen; but pleasant as it would have been, I did not dare to
accept it, for fear of offending the Hobbs family. Their knowledge of my
precarious situation placed me in their power; and I felt that it was
important for me to keep on the right side of them, till, by dint of labor
and economy, I could make a home for my children. I was far from feeling
satisfied with Ellen’s situation. She was not well cared for. She
sometimes came to New York to visit me; but she generally brought a
request from Mrs. Hobbs that I would buy her a pair of shoes, or some
article of clothing. This was accompanied by a promise of payment when Mr.
Hobbs’s salary at the Custom House became due; but some how or other the
pay-day never came. Thus many dollars of my earnings were expended to keep
my child comfortably clothed. That, however, was a slight trouble,
compared with the fear that their pecuniary embarrassments might induce
them to sell my precious young daughter. I knew they were in constant
communication with Southerners, and had frequent opportunities to do it. I
have stated that when Dr. Flint put Ellen in jail, at two years old, she
had an inflammation of the eyes, occasioned by measles. This disease still
troubled her; and kind Mrs. Bruce proposed that she should come to New
York for a while, to be under the care of Dr. Elliott, a well known
oculist. It did not occur to me that there was any thing improper in a
mother’s making such a request; but Mrs. Hobbs was very angry, and refused
to let her go. Situated as I was, it was not politic to insist upon it. I
made no complaint, but I longed to be entirely free to act a mother’s part
towards my children. The next time I went over to Brooklyn, Mrs. Hobbs, as
if to apologize for her anger, told me she had employed her own physician
to attend to Ellen’s eyes, and that she had refused my request because she
did not consider it safe to trust her in New York. I accepted the
explanation in silence; but she had told me that my child belonged
to her daughter, and I suspected that her real motive was a fear of my
conveying her property away from her. Perhaps I did her injustice; but my
knowledge of Southerners made it difficult for me to feel otherwise.

Sweet and bitter were mixed in the cup of my life, and I was thankful that
it had ceased to be entirely bitter. I loved Mrs. Bruce’s babe. When it
laughed and crowed in my face, and twined its little tender arms
confidingly about my neck, it made me think of the time when Benny and
Ellen were babies, and my wounded heart was soothed. One bright morning,
as I stood at the window, tossing baby in my arms, my attention was
attracted by a young man in sailor’s dress, who was closely observing
every house as he passed. I looked at him earnestly. Could it be my
brother William? It must be he—and yet, how changed! I placed
the baby safely, flew down stairs, opened the front door, beckoned to the
sailor, and in less than a minute I was clasped in my brother’s arms. How
much we had to tell each other! How we laughed, and how we cried, over
each other’s adventures! I took him to Brooklyn, and again saw him with
Ellen, the dear child whom he had loved and tended so carefully, while I
was shut up in my miserable den. He staid in New York a week. His old
feelings of affection for me and Ellen were as lively as ever. There are
no bonds so strong as those which are formed by suffering together.

XXXIV. The Old Enemy Again.

My young mistress, Miss Emily Flint, did not return any answer to my
letter requesting her to consent to my being sold. But after a while, I
received a reply, which purported to be written by her younger brother. In
order rightly to enjoy the contents of this letter, the reader must bear
in mind that the Flint family supposed I had been at the north many years.
They had no idea that I knew of the doctor’s three excursions to New York
in search of me; that I had heard his voice, when he came to borrow five
hundred dollars for that purpose; and that I had seen him pass on his way
to the steamboat. Neither were they aware that all the particulars of aunt
Nancy’s death and burial were conveyed to me at the time they occurred. I
have kept the letter, of which I herewith subjoin a copy:—

“Your letter to sister was received a few days ago. I gather from
it that you are desirous of returning to your native place, among
your friends and relatives. We were all gratified with the
contents of your letter; and let me assure you that if any
members of the family have had any feeling of resentment towards
you, they feel it no longer. We all sympathize with you in your
unfortunate condition, and are ready to do all in our power to
make you contented and happy. It is difficult for you to return
home as a free person. If you were purchased by your grandmother,
it is doubtful whether you would be permitted to remain, although
it would be lawful for you to do so. If a servant should be
allowed to purchase herself, after absenting herself so long from
her owners, and return free, it would have an injurious effect.
From your letter, I think your situation must be hard and
uncomfortable. Come home. You have it in your power to be
reinstated in our affections. We would receive you with open arms
and tears of joy. You need not apprehend any unkind treatment, as
we have not put ourselves to any trouble or expense to get you.
Had we done so, perhaps we should feel otherwise. You know my
sister was always attached to you, and that you were never
treated as a slave. You were never put to hard work, nor exposed
to field labor. On the contrary, you were taken into the house,
and treated as one of us, and almost as free; and we, at least,
felt that you were above disgracing yourself by running away.
Believing you may be induced to come home voluntarily has induced
me to write for my sister. The family will be rejoiced to see
you; and your poor old grandmother expressed a great desire to
have you come, when she heard your letter read. In her old age
she needs the consolation of having her children round her.
Doubtless you have heard of the death of your aunt. She was a
faithful servant, and a faithful member of the Episcopal church.
In her Christian life she taught us how to live—and, O, too high
the price of knowledge, she taught us how to die! Could you have
seen us round her death bed, with her mother, all mingling our
tears in one common stream, you would have thought the same
heartfelt tie existed between a master and his servant, as
between a mother and her child. But this subject is too painful
to dwell upon. I must bring my letter to a close. If you are
contented to stay away from your old grandmother, your child, and
the friends who love you, stay where you are. We shall never
trouble ourselves to apprehend you. But should you prefer to come
home, we will do all that we can to make you happy. If you do not
wish to remain in the family, I know that father, by our
persuasion, will be induced to let you be purchased by any person
you may choose in our community. You will please answer this as
soon as possible, and let us know your decision. Sister sends
much love to you. In the mean time believe me your sincere friend
and well wisher.”

This letter was signed by Emily’s brother, who was as yet a mere lad. I
knew, by the style, that it was not written by a person of his age, and
though the writing was disguised, I had been made too unhappy by it, in
former years, not to recognize at once the hand of Dr. Flint. O, the
hypocrisy of slaveholders! Did the old fox suppose I was goose enough to
go into such a trap? Verily, he relied too much on “the stupidity of the
African race.” I did not return the family of Flints any thanks for their
cordial invitation—a remissness for which I was, no doubt, charged
with base ingratitude.

Not long afterwards I received a letter from one of my friends at the
south, informing me that Dr. Flint was about to visit the north. The
letter had been delayed, and I supposed he might be already on the way.
Mrs. Bruce did not know I was a fugitive. I told her that important
business called me to Boston, where my brother then was, and asked
permission to bring a friend to supply my place as nurse, for a fortnight.
I started on my journey immediately; and as soon as I arrived, I wrote to
my grandmother that if Benny came, he must be sent to Boston. I knew she
was only waiting for a good chance to send him north, and, fortunately,
she had the legal power to do so, without asking leave of any body. She
was a free woman; and when my children were purchased, Mr. Sands preferred
to have the bill of sale drawn up in her name. It was conjectured that he
advanced the money, but it was not known. At the south, a gentleman may
have a shoal of colored children without any disgrace; but if he is known
to purchase them, with the view of setting them free, the example is
thought to be dangerous to their “peculiar institution,” and he becomes
unpopular.

There was a good opportunity to send Benny in a vessel coming directly to
New York. He was put on board with a letter to a friend, who was requested
to see him off to Boston. Early one morning, there was a loud rap at my
door, and in rushed Benjamin, all out of breath. “O mother!” he exclaimed,
“here I am! I run all the way; and I come all alone. How d’you do?”

O reader, can you imagine my joy? No, you cannot, unless you have been a
slave mother. Benjamin rattled away as fast as his tongue could go.
“Mother, why don’t you bring Ellen here? I went over to Brooklyn to see
her, and she felt very bad when I bid her good by. She said, ‘O Ben, I
wish I was going too.’ I thought she’d know ever so much; but she don’t
know so much as I do; for I can read, and she can’t. And, mother, I lost
all my clothes coming. What can I do to get some more? I ’spose free boys
can get along here at the north as well as white boys.”

I did not like to tell the sanguine, happy little fellow how much he was
mistaken. I took him to a tailor, and procured a change of clothes. The
rest of the day was spent in mutual asking and answering of questions,
with the wish constantly repeated that the good old grandmother was with
us, and frequent injunctions from Benny to write to her immediately, and
be sure to tell her every thing about his voyage, and his journey to
Boston.

Dr. Flint made his visit to New York, and made every exertion to call upon
me, and invite me to return with him; but not being able to ascertain
where I was, his hospitable intentions were frustrated, and the
affectionate family, who were waiting for me with “open arms,” were doomed
to disappointment.

As soon as I knew he was safely at home, I placed Benjamin in the care of
my brother William, and returned to Mrs. Bruce. There I remained through
the winter and spring, endeavoring to perform my duties faithfully, and
finding a good degree of happiness in the attractions of baby Mary, the
considerate kindness of her excellent mother, and occasional interviews
with my darling daughter.

But when summer came, the old feeling of insecurity haunted me. It was
necessary for me to take little Mary out daily, for exercise and fresh
air, and the city was swarming with Southerners, some of whom might
recognize me. Hot weather brings out snakes and slaveholders, and I like
one class of the venomous creatures as little as I do the other. What a
comfort it is, to be free to say so!

XXXV. Prejudice Against Color.

It was a relief to my mind to see preparations for leaving the city. We
went to Albany in the steamboat Knickerbocker. When the gong sounded for
tea, Mrs. Bruce said, “Linda, it is late, and you and baby had better come
to the table with me.” I replied, “I know it is time baby had her supper,
but I had rather not go with you, if you please. I am afraid of being
insulted.” “O no, not if you are with me,” she said. I saw several
white nurses go with their ladies, and I ventured to do the same. We were
at the extreme end of the table. I was no sooner seated, than a gruff
voice said, “Get up! You know you are not allowed to sit here.” I looked
up, and, to my astonishment and indignation, saw that the speaker was a
colored man. If his office required him to enforce the by-laws of the
boat, he might, at least, have done it politely. I replied, “I shall not
get up, unless the captain comes and takes me up.” No cup of tea was
offered me, but Mrs. Bruce handed me hers and called for another. I looked
to see whether the other nurses were treated in a similar manner. They
were all properly waited on.

Next morning, when we stopped at Troy for breakfast, every body was making
a rush for the table. Mrs. Bruce said, “Take my arm, Linda, and we’ll go
in together.” The landlord heard her, and said, “Madam, will you allow
your nurse and baby to take breakfast with my family?” I knew this was to
be attributed to my complexion; but he spoke courteously, and therefore I
did not mind it.

At Saratoga we found the United States Hotel crowded, and Mr. Bruce took
one of the cottages belonging to the hotel. I had thought, with gladness,
of going to the quiet of the country, where I should meet few people, but
here I found myself in the midst of a swarm of Southerners. I looked round
me with fear and trembling, dreading to see some one who would recognize
me. I was rejoiced to find that we were to stay but a short time.

We soon returned to New York, to make arrangements for spending the
remainder of the summer at Rockaway. While the laundress was putting the
clothes in order, I took an opportunity to go over to Brooklyn to see
Ellen. I met her going to a grocery store, and the first words she said,
were, “O, mother, don’t go to Mrs. Hobbs’s. Her brother, Mr. Thorne, has
come from the south, and may be he’ll tell where you are.” I accepted the
warning. I told her I was going away with Mrs. Bruce the next day, and
would try to see her when I came back.

Being in servitude to the Anglo-Saxon race, I was not put into a “Jim Crow
car,” on our way to Rockaway, neither was I invited to ride through the
streets on the top of trunks in a truck; but every where I found the same
manifestations of that cruel prejudice, which so discourages the feelings,
and represses the energies of the colored people. We reached Rockaway
before dark, and put up at the Pavilion—a large hotel, beautifully
situated by the sea-side—a great resort of the fashionable world.
Thirty or forty nurses were there, of a great variety of nations. Some of
the ladies had colored waiting-maids and coachmen, but I was the only
nurse tinged with the blood of Africa. When the tea bell rang, I took
little Mary and followed the other nurses. Supper was served in a long
hall. A young man, who had the ordering of things, took the circuit of the
table two or three times, and finally pointed me to a seat at the lower
end of it. As there was but one chair, I sat down and took the child in my
lap. Whereupon the young man came to me and said, in the blandest manner
possible, “Will you please to seat the little girl in the chair, and stand
behind it and feed her? After they have done, you will be shown to the
kitchen, where you will have a good supper.”

This was the climax! I found it hard to preserve my self-control, when I
looked round, and saw women who were nurses, as I was, and only one shade
lighter in complexion, eyeing me with a defiant look, as if my presence
were a contamination. However, I said nothing. I quietly took the child in
my arms, went to our room, and refused to go to the table again. Mr. Bruce
ordered meals to be sent to the room for little Mary and I. This answered
for a few days; but the waiters of the establishment were white, and they
soon began to complain, saying they were not hired to wait on negroes. The
landlord requested Mr. Bruce to send me down to my meals, because his
servants rebelled against bringing them up, and the colored servants of
other boarders were dissatisfied because all were not treated alike.

My answer was that the colored servants ought to be dissatisfied with themselves,
for not having too much self-respect to submit to such treatment; that
there was no difference in the price of board for colored and white
servants, and there was no justification for difference of treatment. I
staid a month after this, and finding I was resolved to stand up for my
rights, they concluded to treat me well. Let every colored man and woman
do this, and eventually we shall cease to be trampled under foot by our
oppressors.

XXXVI. The Hairbreadth Escape.

After we returned to New York, I took the earliest opportunity to go and
see Ellen. I asked to have her called down stairs; for I supposed Mrs.
Hobbs’s southern brother might still be there, and I was desirous to avoid
seeing him, if possible. But Mrs. Hobbs came to the kitchen, and insisted
on my going up stairs. “My brother wants to see you,” said she, “and he is
sorry you seem to shun him. He knows you are living in New York. He told
me to say to you that he owes thanks to good old aunt Martha for too many
little acts of kindness for him to be base enough to betray her
grandchild.”

This Mr. Thorne had become poor and reckless long before he left the
south, and such persons had much rather go to one of the faithful old
slaves to borrow a dollar, or get a good dinner, than to go to one whom
they consider an equal. It was such acts of kindness as these for which he
professed to feel grateful to my grandmother. I wished he had kept at a
distance, but as he was here, and knew where I was, I concluded there was
nothing to be gained by trying to avoid him; on the contrary, it might be
the means of exciting his ill will. I followed his sister up stairs. He
met me in a very friendly manner, congratulated me on my escape from
slavery, and hoped I had a good place, where I felt happy.

I continued to visit Ellen as often as I could. She, good thoughtful
child, never forgot my hazardous situation, but always kept a vigilant
lookout for my safety. She never made any complaint about her own
inconveniences and troubles; but a mother’s observing eye easily perceived
that she was not happy. On the occasion of one of my visits I found her
unusually serious. When I asked her what was the matter, she said nothing
was the matter. But I insisted upon knowing what made her look so very
grave. Finally, I ascertained that she felt troubled about the dissipation
that was continually going on in the house. She was sent to the store very
often for rum and brandy, and she felt ashamed to ask for it so often; and
Mr. Hobbs and Mr. Thorne drank a great deal, and their hands trembled so
that they had to call her to pour out the liquor for them. “But for all
that,” said she, “Mr. Hobbs is good to me, and I can’t help liking him. I
feel sorry for him.” I tried to comfort her, by telling her that I had
laid up a hundred dollars, and that before long I hoped to be able to give
her and Benjamin a home, and send them to school. She was always desirous
not to add to my troubles more than she could help, and I did not discover
till years afterwards that Mr. Thorne’s intemperance was not the only
annoyance she suffered from him. Though he professed too much gratitude to
my grandmother to injure any of her descendants, he had poured vile
language into the ears of her innocent great-grandchild.

I usually went to Brooklyn to spend Sunday afternoon. One Sunday, I found
Ellen anxiously waiting for me near the house. “O, mother,” said she,
“I’ve been waiting for you this long time. I’m afraid Mr. Thorne has
written to tell Dr. Flint where you are. Make haste and come in. Mrs.
Hobbs will tell you all about it!”

The story was soon told. While the children were playing in the grape-vine
arbor, the day before, Mr. Thorne came out with a letter in his hand,
which he tore up and scattered about. Ellen was sweeping the yard at the
time, and having her mind full of suspicions of him, she picked up the
pieces and carried them to the children, saying, “I wonder who Mr. Thorne
has been writing to.”

“I’m sure I don’t know, and don’t care,” replied the oldest of the
children; “and I don’t see how it concerns you.”

“But it does concern me,” replied Ellen; “for I’m afraid he’s been writing
to the south about my mother.”

They laughed at her, and called her a silly thing, but good-naturedly put
the fragments of writing together, in order to read them to her. They were
no sooner arranged, than the little girl exclaimed, “I declare, Ellen, I
believe you are right.”

The contents of Mr. Thorne’s letter, as nearly as I can remember, were as
follows: “I have seen your slave, Linda, and conversed with her. She can
be taken very easily, if you manage prudently. There are enough of us here
to swear to her identity as your property. I am a patriot, a lover of my
country, and I do this as an act of justice to the laws.” He concluded by
informing the doctor of the street and number where I lived. The children
carried the pieces to Mrs. Hobbs, who immediately went to her brother’s
room for an explanation. He was not to be found. The servants said they
saw him go out with a letter in his hand, and they supposed he had gone to
the post office. The natural inference was, that he had sent to Dr. Flint
a copy of those fragments. When he returned, his sister accused him of it,
and he did not deny the charge. He went immediately to his room, and the
next morning he was missing. He had gone over to New York, before any of
the family were astir.

It was evident that I had no time to lose; and I hastened back to the city
with a heavy heart. Again I was to be torn from a comfortable home, and
all my plans for the welfare of my children were to be frustrated by that
demon Slavery! I now regretted that I never told Mrs. Bruce my story. I
had not concealed it merely on account of being a fugitive; that would
have made her anxious, but it would have excited sympathy in her kind
heart. I valued her good opinion, and I was afraid of losing it, if I told
her all the particulars of my sad story. But now I felt that it was
necessary for her to know how I was situated. I had once left her
abruptly, without explaining the reason, and it would not be proper to do
it again. I went home resolved to tell her in the morning. But the sadness
of my face attracted her attention, and, in answer to her kind inquiries,
I poured out my full heart to her, before bed time. She listened with true
womanly sympathy, and told me she would do all she could to protect me.
How my heart blessed her!

Early the next morning, Judge Vanderpool and Lawyer Hopper were consulted.
They said I had better leave the city at once, as the risk would be great
if the case came to trial. Mrs. Bruce took me in a carriage to the house
of one of her friends, where she assured me I should be safe until my
brother could arrive, which would be in a few days. In the interval my
thoughts were much occupied with Ellen. She was mine by birth, and she was
also mine by Southern law, since my grandmother held the bill of sale that
made her so. I did not feel that she was safe unless I had her with me.
Mrs. Hobbs, who felt badly about her brother’s treachery, yielded to my
entreaties, on condition that she should return in ten days. I avoided
making any promise. She came to me clad in very thin garments, all
outgrown, and with a school satchel on her arm, containing a few articles.
It was late in October, and I knew the child must suffer; and not daring
to go out in the streets to purchase any thing, I took off my own flannel
skirt and converted it into one for her. Kind Mrs. Bruce came to bid me
good by, and when she saw that I had taken off my clothing for my child,
the tears came to her eyes. She said, “Wait for me, Linda,” and went out.
She soon returned with a nice warm shawl and hood for Ellen. Truly, of
such souls as hers are the kingdom of heaven.

My brother reached New York on Wednesday. Lawyer Hopper advised us to go
to Boston by the Stonington route, as there was less Southern travel in
that direction. Mrs. Bruce directed her servants to tell all inquirers
that I formerly lived there, but had gone from the city.

We reached the
steamboat Rhode Island in safety. That boat employed colored hands, but I
knew that colored passengers were not admitted to the cabin. I was very
desirous for the seclusion of the cabin, not only on account of exposure
to the night air, but also to avoid observation. Lawyer Hopper was waiting
on board for us. He spoke to the stewardess, and asked, as a particular
favor, that she would treat us well. He said to me, “Go and speak to the
captain yourself by and by. Take your little girl with you, and I am sure
that he will not let her sleep on deck.” With these kind words and a shake
of the hand he departed.

The boat was soon on her way, bearing me rapidly from the friendly home
where I had hoped to find security and rest. My brother had left me to
purchase the tickets, thinking that I might have better success than he
would. When the stewardess came to me, I paid what she asked, and she gave
me three tickets with clipped corners. In the most unsophisticated manner
I said, “You have made a mistake; I asked you for cabin tickets. I cannot
possibly consent to sleep on deck with my little daughter.” She assured me
there was no mistake. She said on some of the routes colored people were
allowed to sleep in the cabin, but not on this route, which was much
travelled by the wealthy. I asked her to show me to the captain’s office,
and she said she would after tea. When the time came, I took Ellen by the
hand and went to the captain, politely requesting him to change our
tickets, as we should be very uncomfortable on deck. He said it was
contrary to their custom, but he would see that we had berths below; he
would also try to obtain comfortable seats for us in the cars; of that he
was not certain, but he would speak to the conductor about it, when the
boat arrived. I thanked him, and returned to the ladies’ cabin. He came
afterwards and told me that the conductor of the cars was on board, that
he had spoken to him, and he had promised to take care of us. I was very
much surprised at receiving so much kindness. I don’t know whether the
pleasing face of my little girl had won his heart, or whether the
stewardess inferred from Lawyer Hopper’s manner that I was a fugitive, and
had pleaded with him in my behalf.

When the boat arrived at Stonington, the conductor kept his promise, and
showed us to seats in the first car, nearest the engine. He asked us to
take seats next the door, but as he passed through, we ventured to move on
toward the other end of the car. No incivility was offered us, and we
reached Boston in safety.

The day after my arrival was one of the happiest of my life. I felt as if
I was beyond the reach of the bloodhounds; and, for the first time during
many years, I had both my children together with me. They greatly enjoyed
their reunion, and laughed and chatted merrily. I watched them with a
swelling heart. Their every motion delighted me.

I could not feel safe in New York, and I accepted the offer of a friend,
that we should share expenses and keep house together. I represented to
Mrs. Hobbs that Ellen must have some schooling, and must remain with me
for that purpose. She felt ashamed of being unable to read or spell at her
age, so instead of sending her to school with Benny, I instructed her
myself till she was fitted to enter an intermediate school. The winter
passed pleasantly, while I was busy with my needle, and my children with
their books.

XXXVII. A Visit To England

In the spring, sad news came to me. Mrs. Bruce was dead. Never again, in
this world, should I see her gentle face, or hear her sympathizing voice.
I had lost an excellent friend, and little Mary had lost a tender mother.
Mr. Bruce wished the child to visit some of her mother’s relatives in
England, and he was desirous that I should take charge of her. The little
motherless one was accustomed to me, and attached to me, and I thought she
would be happier in my care than in that of a stranger. I could also earn
more in this way than I could by my needle. So I put Benny to a trade, and
left Ellen to remain in the house with my friend and go to school.

We sailed from New York, and arrived in Liverpool after a pleasant voyage
of twelve days. We proceeded directly to London, and took lodgings at the
Adelaide Hotel. The supper seemed to me less luxurious than those I had
seen in American hotels; but my situation was indescribably more pleasant.
For the first time in my life I was in a place where I was treated
according to my deportment, without reference to my complexion. I felt as
if a great millstone had been lifted from my breast. Ensconced in a
pleasant room, with my dear little charge, I laid my head on my pillow,
for the first time, with the delightful consciousness of pure,
unadulterated freedom.

As I had constant care of the child, I had little opportunity to see the
wonders of that great city; but I watched the tide of life that flowed
through the streets, and found it a strange contrast to the stagnation in
our Southern towns. Mr. Bruce took his little daughter to spend some days
with friends in Oxford Crescent, and of course it was necessary for me to
accompany her. I had heard much of the systematic method of English
education, and I was very desirous that my dear Mary should steer straight
in the midst of so much propriety. I closely observed her little playmates
and their nurses, being ready to take any lessons in the science of good
management. The children were more rosy than American children, but I did
not see that they differed materially in other respects. They were like
all children—sometimes docile and sometimes wayward.

We next went to Steventon, in Berkshire. It was a small town, said to be
the poorest in the county. I saw men working in the fields for six
shillings, and seven shillings, a week, and women for sixpence, and
sevenpence, a day, out of which they boarded themselves. Of course they
lived in the most primitive manner; it could not be otherwise, where a
woman’s wages for an entire day were not sufficient to buy a pound of
meat. They paid very low rents, and their clothes were made of the
cheapest fabrics, though much better than could have been procured in the
United States for the same money. I had heard much about the oppression of
the poor in Europe. The people I saw around me were, many of them, among
the poorest poor. But when I visited them in their little thatched
cottages, I felt that the condition of even the meanest and most ignorant
among them was vastly superior to the condition of the most favored slaves
in America. They labored hard; but they were not ordered out to toil while
the stars were in the sky, and driven and slashed by an overseer, through
heat and cold, till the stars shone out again. Their homes were very
humble; but they were protected by law. No insolent patrols could come, in
the dead of night, and flog them at their pleasure. The father, when he
closed his cottage door, felt safe with his family around him. No master
or overseer could come and take from him his wife, or his daughter. They
must separate to earn their living; but the parents knew where their
children were going, and could communicate with them by letters. The
relations of husband and wife, parent and child, were too sacred for the
richest noble in the land to violate with impunity. Much was being done to
enlighten these poor people. Schools were established among them, and
benevolent societies were active in efforts to ameliorate their condition.
There was no law forbidding them to learn to read and write; and if they
helped each other in spelling out the Bible, they were in no danger of
thirty-nine lashes, as was the case with myself and poor, pious, old uncle
Fred. I repeat that the most ignorant and the most destitute of these
peasants was a thousand fold better off than the most pampered American
slave.

I do not deny that the poor are oppressed in Europe. I am not disposed to
paint their condition so rose-colored as the Hon. Miss Murray paints the
condition of the slaves in the United States. A small portion of my
experience would enable her to read her own pages with anointed eyes. If
she were to lay aside her title, and, instead of visiting among the
fashionable, become domesticated, as a poor governess, on some plantation
in Louisiana or Alabama, she would see and hear things that would make her
tell quite a different story.

My visit to England is a memorable event in my life, from the fact of my
having there received strong religious impressions. The contemptuous
manner in which the communion had been administered to colored people, in
my native place; the church membership of Dr. Flint, and others like him;
and the buying and selling of slaves, by professed ministers of the
gospel, had given me a prejudice against the Episcopal church. The whole
service seemed to me a mockery and a sham. But my home in Steventon was in
the family of a clergyman, who was a true disciple of Jesus. The beauty of
his daily life inspired me with faith in the genuineness of Christian
professions. Grace entered my heart, and I knelt at the communion table, I
trust, in true humility of soul.

I remained abroad ten months, which was much longer than I had
anticipated. During all that time, I never saw the slightest symptom of
prejudice against color. Indeed, I entirely forgot it, till the time came
for us to return to America.

XXXVIII. Renewed Invitations To Go South.

We had a tedious winter passage, and from the distance spectres seemed to
rise up on the shores of the United States. It is a sad feeling to be
afraid of one’s native country. We arrived in New York safely, and I
hastened to Boston to look after my children. I found Ellen well, and
improving at her school; but Benny was not there to welcome me. He had
been left at a good place to learn a trade, and for several months every
thing worked well. He was liked by the master, and was a favorite with his
fellow-apprentices; but one day they accidentally discovered a fact they
had never before suspected—that he was colored! This at once
transformed him into a different being. Some of the apprentices were
Americans, others American-born Irish; and it was offensive to their
dignity to have a “nigger” among them, after they had been told that he was
a “nigger.” They began by treating him with silent scorn, and finding that
he returned the same, they resorted to insults and abuse. He was too
spirited a boy to stand that, and he went off. Being desirous to do
something to support himself, and having no one to advise him, he shipped
for a whaling voyage. When I received these tidings I shed many tears, and
bitterly reproached myself for having left him so long. But I had done it
for the best, and now all I could do was to pray to the heavenly Father to
guide and protect him.

Not long after my return, I received the following letter from Miss Emily
Flint, now Mrs. Dodge:—

“In this you will recognize the hand of your friend and mistress.
Having heard that you had gone with a family to Europe, I have
waited to hear of your return to write to you. I should have
answered the letter you wrote to me long since, but as I could
not then act independently of my father, I knew there could be
nothing done satisfactory to you. There were persons here who
were willing to buy you and run the risk of getting you. To this
I would not consent. I have always been attached to you, and
would not like to see you the slave of another, or have unkind
treatment. I am married now, and can protect you. My husband
expects to move to Virginia this spring, where we think of
settling. I am very anxious that you should come and live with
me. If you are not willing to come, you may purchase yourself;
but I should prefer having you live with me. If you come, you
may, if you like, spend a month with your grandmother and
friends, then come to me in Norfolk, Virginia. Think this over,
and write as soon as possible, and let me know the conclusion.
Hoping that your children are well, I remain your friend and
mistress.”

Of course I did not write to return thanks for this cordial invitation. I
felt insulted to be thought stupid enough to be caught by such
professions.

“‘Come up into my parlor,’ said the spider to the fly;
‘’Tis the prettiest little parlor that ever you did spy.’”

It was plain that Dr. Flint’s family were apprised of my movements, since
they knew of my voyage to Europe. I expected to have further trouble from
them; but having eluded them thus far, I hoped to be as successful in
future. The money I had earned, I was desirous to devote to the education
of my children, and to secure a home for them. It seemed not only hard,
but unjust, to pay for myself. I could not possibly regard myself as a
piece of property. Moreover, I had worked many years without wages, and
during that time had been obliged to depend on my grandmother for many
comforts in food and clothing. My children certainly belonged to me; but
though Dr. Flint had incurred no expense for their support, he had
received a large sum of money for them. I knew the law would decide that I
was his property, and would probably still give his daughter a claim to my
children; but I regarded such laws as the regulations of robbers, who had
no rights that I was bound to respect.

The Fugitive Slave Law had not then passed. The judges of Massachusetts
had not then stooped under chains to enter her courts of justice, so
called. I knew my old master was rather skittish of Massachusetts. I
relied on her love of freedom, and felt safe on her soil. I am now aware
that I honored the old Commonwealth beyond her deserts.

XXXIX. The Confession.

For two years my daughter and I supported ourselves comfortably in Boston.
At the end of that time, my brother William offered to send Ellen to a
boarding school. It required a great effort for me to consent to part with
her, for I had few near ties, and it was her presence that made my two
little rooms seem home-like. But my judgment prevailed over my selfish
feelings. I made preparations for her departure. During the two years we
had lived together I had often resolved to tell her something about her
father; but I had never been able to muster sufficient courage. I had a
shrinking dread of diminishing my child’s love. I knew she must have
curiosity on the subject, but she had never asked a question. She was
always very careful not to say any thing to remind me of my troubles. Now
that she was going from me, I thought if I should die before she returned,
she might hear my story from some one who did not understand the
palliating circumstances; and that if she were entirely ignorant on the
subject, her sensitive nature might receive a rude shock.

When we retired for the night, she said, “Mother, it is very hard to leave
you alone. I am almost sorry I am going, though I do want to improve
myself. But you will write to me often; won’t you, mother?”

I did not throw my arms round her. I did not answer her. But in a calm,
solemn way, for it cost me great effort, I said, “Listen to me, Ellen; I
have something to tell you!” I recounted my early sufferings in slavery,
and told her how nearly they had crushed me. I began to tell her how they
had driven me into a great sin, when she clasped me in her arms, and
exclaimed, “O, don’t, mother! Please don’t tell me any more.”

I said, “But, my child, I want you to know about your father.”

“I know all about it, mother,” she replied; “I am nothing to my father,
and he is nothing to me. All my love is for you. I was with him five
months in Washington, and he never cared for me. He never spoke to me as
he did to his little Fanny. I knew all the time he was my father, for
Fanny’s nurse told me so; but she said I must never tell any body, and I
never did. I used to wish he would take me in his arms and kiss me, as he
did Fanny; or that he would sometimes smile at me, as he did at her. I
thought if he was my own father, he ought to love me. I was a little girl
then, and didn’t know any better. But now I never think any thing about my
father. All my love is for you.” She hugged me closer as she spoke, and I
thanked God that the knowledge I had so much dreaded to impart had not
diminished the affection of my child. I had not the slightest idea she
knew that portion of my history. If I had, I should have spoken to her
long before; for my pent-up feelings had often longed to pour themselves
out to some one I could trust. But I loved the dear girl better for the
delicacy she had manifested towards her unfortunate mother.

The next morning, she and her uncle started on their journey to the
village in New York, where she was to be placed at school. It seemed as if
all the sunshine had gone away. My little room was dreadfully lonely. I
was thankful when a message came from a lady, accustomed to employ me,
requesting me to come and sew in her family for several weeks. On my
return, I found a letter from brother William. He thought of opening an
anti-slavery reading room in Rochester, and combining with it the sale of
some books and stationery; and he wanted me to unite with him. We tried
it, but it was not successful. We found warm anti-slavery friends there,
but the feeling was not general enough to support such an establishment. I
passed nearly a year in the family of Isaac and Amy Post, practical
believers in the Christian doctrine of human brotherhood. They measure a
man’s worth by his character, not by his complexion. The memory of those
beloved and honored friends will remain with me to my latest hour.

XL. The Fugitive Slave Law.

My brother, being disappointed in his project, concluded to go to
California; and it was agreed that Benjamin should go with him. Ellen
liked her school, and was a great favorite there. They did not know her
history, and she did not tell it, because she had no desire to make
capital out of their sympathy. But when it was accidentally discovered
that her mother was a fugitive slave, every method was used to increase
her advantages and diminish her expenses.

I was alone again. It was necessary for me to be earning money, and I
preferred that it should be among those who knew me. On my return from
Rochester, I called at the house of Mr. Bruce, to see Mary, the darling
little babe that had thawed my heart, when it was freezing into a
cheerless distrust of all my fellow-beings. She was growing a tall girl
now, but I loved her always. Mr. Bruce had married again, and it was
proposed that I should become nurse to a new infant. I had but one
hesitation, and that was my feeling of insecurity in New York, now greatly
increased by the passage of the Fugitive Slave Law. However, I resolved to
try the experiment. I was again fortunate in my employer. The new Mrs.
Bruce was an American, brought up under aristocratic influences, and still
living in the midst of them; but if she had any prejudice against color, I
was never made aware of it; and as for the system of slavery, she had a
most hearty dislike of it. No sophistry of Southerners could blind her to
its enormity. She was a person of excellent principles and a noble heart.
To me, from that hour to the present, she has been a true and sympathizing
friend. Blessings be with her and hers!

About the time that I reëntered the Bruce family, an event occurred of
disastrous import to the colored people. The slave Hamlin, the first
fugitive that came under the new law, was given up by the bloodhounds of
the north to the bloodhounds of the south. It was the beginning of a reign
of terror to the colored population. The great city rushed on in its whirl
of excitement, taking no note of the “short and simple annals of the
poor.” But while fashionables were listening to the thrilling voice of
Jenny Lind in Metropolitan Hall, the thrilling voices of poor hunted
colored people went up, in an agony of supplication, to the Lord, from
Zion’s church. Many families, who had lived in the city for twenty years,
fled from it now. Many a poor washerwoman, who, by hard labor, had made
herself a comfortable home, was obliged to sacrifice her furniture, bid a
hurried farewell to friends, and seek her fortune among strangers in
Canada. Many a wife discovered a secret she had never known before—that
her husband was a fugitive, and must leave her to insure his own safety.
Worse still, many a husband discovered that his wife had fled from slavery
years ago, and as “the child follows the condition of its mother,” the
children of his love were liable to be seized and carried into slavery.
Every where, in those humble homes, there was consternation and anguish.
But what cared the legislators of the “dominant race” for the blood they
were crushing out of trampled hearts?

When my brother William spent his last evening with me, before he went to
California, we talked nearly all the time of the distress brought on our
oppressed people by the passage of this iniquitous law; and never had I
seen him manifest such bitterness of spirit, such stern hostility to our
oppressors. He was himself free from the operation of the law; for he did
not run from any Slaveholding State, being brought into the Free States by
his master. But I was subject to it; and so were hundreds of intelligent
and industrious people all around us. I seldom ventured into the streets;
and when it was necessary to do an errand for Mrs. Bruce, or any of the
family, I went as much as possible through back streets and by-ways. What
a disgrace to a city calling itself free, that inhabitants, guiltless of
offence, and seeking to perform their duties conscientiously, should be
condemned to live in such incessant fear, and have nowhere to turn for
protection! This state of things, of course, gave rise to many impromptu
vigilance committees. Every colored person, and every friend of their
persecuted race, kept their eyes wide open. Every evening I examined the
newspapers carefully, to see what Southerners had put up at the hotels. I
did this for my own sake, thinking my young mistress and her husband might
be among the list; I wished also to give information to others, if
necessary; for if many were “running to and fro,” I resolved that
“knowledge should be increased.”

This brings up one of my Southern reminiscences, which I will here briefly
relate. I was somewhat acquainted with a slave named Luke, who belonged to
a wealthy man in our vicinity. His master died, leaving a son and daughter
heirs to his large fortune. In the division of the slaves, Luke was
included in the son’s portion. This young man became a prey to the vices
growing out of the “patriarchal institution,” and when
he went to the north, to complete his education, he carried his vices with
him. He was brought home, deprived of the use of his limbs, by excessive
dissipation. Luke was appointed to wait upon his bed-ridden master, whose
despotic habits were greatly increased by exasperation at his own
helplessness. He kept a cowhide beside him, and, for the most trivial
occurrence, he would order his attendant to bare his back, and kneel
beside the couch, while he whipped him till his strength was exhausted.
Some days he was not allowed to wear any thing but his shirt, in order to
be in readiness to be flogged. A day seldom passed without his receiving
more or less blows. If the slightest resistance was offered, the town
constable was sent for to execute the punishment, and Luke learned from
experience how much more the constable’s strong arm was to be dreaded than
the comparatively feeble one of his master. The arm of his tyrant grew
weaker, and was finally palsied; and then the constable’s services were in
constant requisition. The fact that he was entirely dependent on Luke’s
care, and was obliged to be tended like an infant, instead of inspiring
any gratitude or compassion towards his poor slave, seemed only to
increase his irritability and cruelty. As he lay there on his bed, a mere
degraded wreck of manhood, he took into his head the strangest freaks of
despotism; and if Luke hesitated to submit to his orders, the constable
was immediately sent for. Some of these freaks were of a nature too filthy
to be repeated. When I fled from the house of bondage, I left poor Luke
still chained to the bedside of this cruel and disgusting wretch.

One day, when I had been requested to do an errand for Mrs. Bruce, I was
hurrying through back streets, as usual, when I saw a young man
approaching, whose face was familiar to me. As he came nearer, I
recognized Luke. I always rejoiced to see or hear of any one who had
escaped from the black pit; but, remembering this poor fellow’s extreme hardships, I was peculiarly glad to see him on Northern
soil, though I no longer called it free soil. I well remembered
what a desolate feeling it was to be alone among strangers, and I went up
to him and greeted him cordially. At first, he did not know me; but when I
mentioned my name, he remembered all about me. I told him of the Fugitive
Slave Law, and asked him if he did not know that New York was a city of
kidnappers.

He replied, “De risk ain’t so bad for me, as ’tis fur you. ’Cause I runned
away from de speculator, and you runned away from de massa. Dem
speculators vont spen dar money to come here fur a runaway, if dey ain’t
sartin sure to put dar hans right on him. An I tell you I’s tuk good car
’bout dat. I had too hard times down dar, to let ’em ketch dis nigger.”

He then told me of the advice he had received, and the plans he had laid.
I asked if he had money enough to take him to Canada. “’Pend upon it, I
hab,” he replied. “I tuk car fur dat. I’d bin workin all my days fur dem
cussed whites, an got no pay but kicks and cuffs. So I tought dis nigger
had a right to money nuff to bring him to de Free States. Massa Henry he
lib till ebery body vish him dead; an ven he did die, I knowed de debbil
would hab him, an vouldn’t vant him to bring his money ’long too. So I tuk
some of his bills, and put ’em in de pocket of his ole trousers. An ven he
was buried, dis nigger ask fur dem ole trousers, an dey gub ’em to me.”
With a low, chuckling laugh, he added, “You see I didn’t steal it;
dey gub it to me. I tell you, I had mighty hard time to keep de
speculator from findin it; but he didn’t git it.”

This is a fair specimen of how the moral sense is educated by slavery.
When a man has his wages stolen from him, year after year, and the laws
sanction and enforce the theft, how can he be expected to have more regard
to honesty than has the man who robs him? I have become somewhat
enlightened, but I confess that I agree with poor, ignorant, much-abused
Luke, in thinking he had a right to that money, as a portion of his
unpaid wages. He went to Canada forthwith, and I have not since heard from
him.

All that winter I lived in a state of anxiety. When I took the children
out to breathe the air, I closely observed the countenances of all I met.
I dreaded the approach of summer, when snakes and slaveholders make their
appearance. I was, in fact, a slave in New York, as subject to slave laws
as I had been in a Slave State. Strange incongruity in a State called
free!

Spring returned, and I received warning from the south that Dr. Flint knew
of my return to my old place, and was making preparations to have me
caught. I learned afterwards that my dress, and that of Mrs. Bruce’s
children, had been described to him by some of the Northern tools, which
slaveholders employ for their base purposes, and then indulge in sneers at
their cupidity and mean servility.

I immediately informed Mrs. Bruce of my danger, and she took prompt
measures for my safety. My place as nurse could not be supplied
immediately, and this generous, sympathizing lady proposed that I should
carry her baby away. It was a comfort to me to have the child with me; for
the heart is reluctant to be torn away from every object it loves. But how
few mothers would have consented to have one of their own babes become a
fugitive, for the sake of a poor, hunted nurse, on whom the legislators of
the country had let loose the bloodhounds! When I spoke of the sacrifice
she was making, in depriving herself of her dear baby, she replied, “It is
better for you to have baby with you, Linda; for if they get on your
track, they will be obliged to bring the child to me; and then, if there
is a possibility of saving you, you shall be saved.”

This lady had a very wealthy relative, a benevolent gentleman in many
respects, but aristocratic and pro-slavery. He remonstrated with her for
harboring a fugitive slave; told her she was violating the laws of her
country; and asked her if she was aware of the penalty. She replied, “I am
very well aware of it. It is imprisonment and one thousand dollars fine.
Shame on my country that it is so! I am ready to incur the penalty.
I will go to the state’s prison, rather than have any poor victim torn
from my house, to be carried back to slavery.”

The noble heart! The brave heart! The tears are in my eyes while I write
of her. May the God of the helpless reward her for her sympathy with my
persecuted people!

I was sent into New England, where I was sheltered by the wife of a
senator, whom I shall always hold in grateful remembrance. This honorable
gentleman would not have voted for the Fugitive Slave Law, as did the
senator in “Uncle Tom’s Cabin;” on the contrary, he was strongly opposed
to it; but he was enough under its influence to be afraid of having me
remain in his house many hours. So I was sent into the country, where I
remained a month with the baby. When it was supposed that Dr. Flint’s
emissaries had lost track of me, and given up the pursuit for the present,
I returned to New York.

XLI. Free At Last.

Mrs. Bruce, and every member of her family, were exceedingly kind to me. I
was thankful for the blessings of my lot, yet I could not always wear a
cheerful countenance. I was doing harm to no one; on the contrary, I was
doing all the good I could in my small way; yet I could never go out to
breathe God’s free air without trepidation at my heart. This seemed hard;
and I could not think it was a right state of things in any civilized
country.

From time to time I received news from my good old grandmother. She could
not write; but she employed others to write for her. The following is an
extract from one of her last letters:—

“Dear Daughter: I cannot hope to see you again on earth; but I
pray to God to unite us above, where pain will no more rack this
feeble body of mine; where sorrow and parting from my children
will be no more. God has promised these things if we are faithful
unto the end. My age and feeble health deprive me of going to
church now; but God is with me here at home. Thank your brother
for his kindness. Give much love to him, and tell him to remember
the Creator in the days of his youth, and strive to meet me in
the Father’s kingdom. Love to Ellen and Benjamin. Don’t neglect
him. Tell him for me, to be a good boy. Strive, my child, to
train them for God’s children. May he protect and provide for
you, is the prayer of your loving old mother.”

These letters both cheered and saddened me. I was always glad to have
tidings from the kind, faithful old friend of my unhappy youth; but her
messages of love made my heart yearn to see her before she died, and I
mourned over the fact that it was impossible. Some months after I returned
from my flight to New England, I received a letter from her, in which she
wrote, “Dr. Flint is dead. He has left a distressed family. Poor old man!
I hope he made his peace with God.”

I remembered how he had defrauded my grandmother of the hard earnings she
had loaned; how he had tried to cheat her out of the freedom her mistress
had promised her, and how he had persecuted her children; and I thought to
myself that she was a better Christian than I was, if she could entirely
forgive him. I cannot say, with truth, that the news of my old master’s
death softened my feelings towards him. There are wrongs which even the
grave does not bury. The man was odious to me while he lived, and his
memory is odious now.

His departure from this world did not diminish my danger. He had
threatened my grandmother that his heirs should hold me in slavery after
he was gone; that I never should be free so long as a child of his
survived. As for Mrs. Flint, I had seen her in deeper afflictions than I
supposed the loss of her husband would be, for she had buried several
children; yet I never saw any signs of softening in her heart. The doctor
had died in embarrassed circumstances, and had little to will to his
heirs, except such property as he was unable to grasp. I was well aware
what I had to expect from the family of Flints; and my fears were
confirmed by a letter from the south, warning me to be on my guard,
because Mrs. Flint openly declared that her daughter could not afford to
lose so valuable a slave as I was.

I kept close watch of the newspapers for arrivals; but one Saturday night,
being much occupied, I forgot to examine the Evening Express as usual. I
went down into the parlor for it, early in the morning, and found the boy
about to kindle a fire with it. I took it from him and examined the list
of arrivals. Reader, if you have never been a slave, you cannot imagine
the acute sensation of suffering at my heart, when I read the names of Mr.
and Mrs. Dodge, at a hotel in Courtland Street. It was a third-rate hotel,
and that circumstance convinced me of the truth of what I had heard, that
they were short of funds and had need of my value, as they valued
me; and that was by dollars and cents. I hastened with the paper to Mrs.
Bruce. Her heart and hand were always open to every one in distress, and
she always warmly sympathized with mine. It was impossible to tell how
near the enemy was. He might have passed and repassed the house while we
were sleeping. He might at that moment be waiting to pounce upon me if I
ventured out of doors. I had never seen the husband of my young mistress,
and therefore I could not distinguish him from any other stranger. A
carriage was hastily ordered; and, closely veiled, I followed Mrs. Bruce,
taking the baby again with me into exile. After various turnings and
crossings, and returnings, the carriage stopped at the house of one of
Mrs. Bruce’s friends, where I was kindly received. Mrs. Bruce returned
immediately, to instruct the domestics what to say if any one came to
inquire for me.

It was lucky for me that the evening paper was not burned up before I had
a chance to examine the list of arrivals. It was not long after Mrs.
Bruce’s return to her house, before several people came to inquire for me.
One inquired for me, another asked for my daughter Ellen, and another said
he had a letter from my grandmother, which he was requested to deliver in
person.

They were told, “She has lived here, but she has left.”

“How long ago?”

“I don’t know, sir.”

“Do you know where she went?”

“I do not, sir.” And the door was closed.

This Mr. Dodge, who claimed me as his property, was originally a Yankee
pedler in the south; then he became a merchant, and finally a slaveholder.
He managed to get introduced into what was called the first society, and
married Miss Emily Flint. A quarrel arose between him and her brother, and
the brother cowhided him. This led to a family feud, and he proposed to
remove to Virginia. Dr. Flint left him no property, and his own means had
become circumscribed, while a wife and children depended upon him for
support. Under these circumstances, it was very natural that he should
make an effort to put me into his pocket.

I had a colored friend, a man from my native place, in whom I had the most
implicit confidence. I sent for him, and told him that Mr. and Mrs. Dodge
had arrived in New York. I proposed that he should call upon them to make
inquiries about his friends at the south, with whom Dr. Flint’s family
were well acquainted. He thought there was no impropriety in his doing so,
and he consented. He went to the hotel, and knocked at the door of Mr.
Dodge’s room, which was opened by the gentleman himself, who gruffly
inquired, “What brought you here? How came you to know I was in the city?”

“Your arrival was published in the evening papers, sir; and I called to
ask Mrs. Dodge about my friends at home. I didn’t suppose it would give
any offence.”

“Where’s that negro girl, that belongs to my wife?”

“What girl, sir?”

“You know well enough. I mean Linda, that ran away from Dr. Flint’s
plantation, some years ago. I dare say you’ve seen her, and know where she
is.”

“Yes, sir, I’ve seen her, and know where she is. She is out of your reach,
sir.”

“Tell me where she is, or bring her to me, and I will give her a chance to
buy her freedom.”

“I don’t think it would be of any use, sir. I have heard her say she would
go to the ends of the earth, rather than pay any man or woman for her
freedom, because she thinks she has a right to it. Besides, she couldn’t
do it, if she would, for she has spent her earnings to educate her
children.”

This made Mr. Dodge very angry, and some high words passed between them.
My friend was afraid to come where I was; but in the course of the day I
received a note from him. I supposed they had not come from the south, in
the winter, for a pleasure excursion; and now the nature of their business
was very plain.

Mrs. Bruce came to me and entreated me to leave the city the next morning.
She said her house was watched, and it was possible that some clew to me
might be obtained. I refused to take her advice. She pleaded with an
earnest tenderness, that ought to have moved me; but I was in a bitter,
disheartened mood. I was weary of flying from pillar to post. I had been
chased during half my life, and it seemed as if the chase was never to
end. There I sat, in that great city, guiltless of crime, yet not daring
to worship God in any of the churches. I heard the bells ringing for
afternoon service, and, with contemptuous sarcasm, I said, “Will the
preachers take for their text, ‘Proclaim liberty to the captive, and the
opening of prison doors to them that are bound’? or will they preach from
the text, ‘Do unto others as ye would they should do unto you’?” Oppressed
Poles and Hungarians could find a safe refuge in that city; John Mitchell
was free to proclaim in the City Hall his desire for “a plantation well
stocked with slaves;” but there I sat, an oppressed American, not daring
to show my face. God forgive the black and bitter thoughts I indulged on
that Sabbath day! The Scripture says, “Oppression makes even a wise man
mad;” and I was not wise.

I had been told that Mr. Dodge said his wife had never signed away her
right to my children, and if he could not get me, he would take them. This
it was, more than any thing else, that roused such a tempest in my soul.
Benjamin was with his uncle William in California, but my innocent young
daughter had come to spend a vacation with me. I thought of what I had
suffered in slavery at her age, and my heart was like a tiger’s when a
hunter tries to seize her young.

Dear Mrs. Bruce! I seem to see the expression of her face, as she turned
away discouraged by my obstinate mood. Finding her expostulations
unavailing, she sent Ellen to entreat me. When ten o’clock in the evening
arrived and Ellen had not returned, this watchful and unwearied friend
became anxious. She came to us in a carriage, bringing a well-filled trunk
for my journey—trusting that by this time I would listen to reason.
I yielded to her, as I ought to have done before.

The next day, baby and I set out in a heavy snow storm, bound for New
England again. I received letters from the City of Iniquity, addressed to
me under an assumed name. In a few days one came from Mrs. Bruce,
informing me that my new master was still searching for me, and that she
intended to put an end to this persecution by buying my freedom. I felt
grateful for the kindness that prompted this offer, but the idea was not
so pleasant to me as might have been expected. The more my mind had become
enlightened, the more difficult it was for me to consider myself an
article of property; and to pay money to those who had so grievously
oppressed me seemed like taking from my sufferings the glory of triumph. I
wrote to Mrs. Bruce, thanking her, but saying that being sold from one
owner to another seemed too much like slavery; that such a great
obligation could not be easily cancelled; and that I preferred to go to my
brother in California.

Without my knowledge, Mrs. Bruce employed a gentleman in New York to enter
into negotiations with Mr. Dodge. He proposed to pay three hundred dollars
down, if Mr. Dodge would sell me, and enter into obligations to relinquish
all claim to me or my children forever after. He who called himself my
master said he scorned so small an offer for such a valuable servant. The
gentleman replied, “You can do as you choose, sir. If you reject this
offer you will never get any thing; for the woman has friends who will
convey her and her children out of the country.”

Mr. Dodge concluded that “half a loaf was better than no bread,” and he
agreed to the proffered terms. By the next mail I received this brief
letter from Mrs. Bruce: “I am rejoiced to tell you that the money for your
freedom has been paid to Mr. Dodge. Come home to-morrow. I long to see you
and my sweet babe.”

My brain reeled as I read these lines. A gentleman near me said, “It’s
true; I have seen the bill of sale.” “The bill of sale!” Those words
struck me like a blow. So I was sold at last! A human being sold
in the free city of New York! The bill of sale is on record, and future
generations will learn from it that women were articles of traffic in New
York, late in the nineteenth century of the Christian religion. It may
hereafter prove a useful document to antiquaries, who are seeking to
measure the progress of civilization in the United States. I well know the
value of that bit of paper; but much as I love freedom, I do not like to
look upon it. I am deeply grateful to the generous friend who procured it,
but I despise the miscreant who demanded payment for what never rightfully
belonged to him or his.

I had objected to having my freedom bought, yet I must confess that when
it was done I felt as if a heavy load had been lifted from my weary
shoulders. When I rode home in the cars I was no longer afraid to unveil
my face and look at people as they passed. I should have been glad to have
met Daniel Dodge himself; to have had him seen me and known me, that he
might have mourned over the untoward circumstances which compelled him to
sell me for three hundred dollars.

When I reached home, the arms of my benefactress were thrown round me, and
our tears mingled. As soon as she could speak, she said, “O Linda, I’m so
glad it’s all over! You wrote to me as if you thought you were going to be
transferred from one owner to another. But I did not buy you for your
services. I should have done just the same, if you had been going to sail
for California to-morrow. I should, at least, have the satisfaction of
knowing that you left me a free woman.”

My heart was exceedingly full. I remembered how my poor father had tried
to buy me, when I was a small child, and how he had been disappointed. I
hoped his spirit was rejoicing over me now. I remembered how my good old
grandmother had laid up her earnings to purchase me in later years, and
how often her plans had been frustrated. How that faithful, loving old
heart would leap for joy, if she could look on me and my children now that
we were free! My relatives had been foiled in all their efforts, but God
had raised me up a friend among strangers, who had bestowed on me the
precious, long-desired boon. Friend! It is a common word, often lightly
used. Like other good and beautiful things, it may be tarnished by
careless handling; but when I speak of Mrs. Bruce as my friend, the word
is sacred.

My grandmother lived to rejoice in my freedom; but not long after, a
letter came with a black seal. She had gone “where the wicked cease from
troubling, and the weary are at rest.”

Time passed on, and a paper came to me from the south, containing an
obituary notice of my uncle Phillip. It was the only case I ever knew of
such an honor conferred upon a colored person. It was written by one of
his friends, and contained these words: “Now that death has laid him low,
they call him a good man and a useful citizen; but what are eulogies to
the black man, when the world has faded from his vision? It does not
require man’s praise to obtain rest in God’s kingdom.” So they called a
colored man a citizen! Strange words to be uttered in that region!

Reader, my story ends with freedom; not in the usual way, with marriage. I
and my children are now free! We are as free from the power of
slaveholders as are the white people of the north; and though that,
according to my ideas, is not saying a great deal, it is a vast
improvement in my condition. The dream of my life is not yet
realized. I do not sit with my children in a home of my own. I still long
for a hearthstone of my own, however humble. I wish it for my children’s
sake far more than for my own. But God so orders circumstances as to keep
me with my friend Mrs. Bruce. Love, duty, gratitude, also bind me to her
side. It is a privilege to serve her who pities my oppressed people, and
who has bestowed the inestimable boon of freedom on me and my children.

It has been painful to me, in many ways, to recall the dreary years I
passed in bondage. I would gladly forget them if I could. Yet the
retrospection is not altogether without solace; for with those gloomy
recollections come tender memories of my good old grandmother, like light,
fleecy clouds floating over a dark and troubled sea.

APPENDIX.

The following statement is from Amy Post, a member of the Society of
Friends in the State of New York, well known and highly respected by
friends of the poor and the oppressed. As has been already stated, in the
preceding pages, the author of this volume spent some time under her
hospitable roof.

L.M.C.

“The author of this book is my highly-esteemed friend. If its
readers knew her as I know her, they could not fail to be deeply
interested in her story. She was a beloved inmate of our family
nearly the whole of the year 1849. She was introduced to us by
her affectionate and conscientious brother, who had previously
related to us some of the almost incredible events in his
sister’s life. I immediately became much interested in Linda; for
her appearance was prepossessing, and her deportment indicated
remarkable delicacy of feeling and purity of thought.

“As we became acquainted, she related to me, from time to time
some of the incidents in her bitter experiences as a slave-woman.
Though impelled by a natural craving for human sympathy, she
passed through a baptism of suffering, even in recounting her
trials to me, in private confidential conversations. The burden
of these memories lay heavily upon her spirit—naturally virtuous
and refined. I repeatedly urged her to consent to the publication
of her narrative; for I felt that it would arouse people to a
more earnest work for the disinthralment of millions still
remaining in that soul-crushing condition, which was so
unendurable to her. But her sensitive spirit shrank from
publicity. She said, “You know a woman can whisper her cruel
wrongs in the ear of a dear friend much easier than she can
record them for the world to read.” Even in talking with me, she
wept so much, and seemed to suffer such mental agony, that I felt
her story was too sacred to be drawn from her by inquisitive
questions, and I left her free to tell as much, or as little, as
she chose. Still, I urged upon her the duty of publishing her
experience, for the sake of the good it might do; and, at last,
she undertook the task.

“Having been a slave so large a portion of her life, she is
unlearned; she is obliged to earn her living by her own labor,
and she has worked untiringly to procure education for her
children; several times she has been obliged to leave her
employments, in order to fly from the man-hunters and
woman-hunters of our land; but she pressed through all these
obstacles and overcame them. After the labors of the day were
over, she traced secretly and wearily, by the midnight lamp, a
truthful record of her eventful life.

“This Empire State is a shabby place of refuge for the oppressed;
but here, through anxiety, turmoil, and despair, the freedom of
Linda and her children was finally secured, by the exertions of a
generous friend. She was grateful for the boon; but the idea of
having been bought was always galling to a spirit that could
never acknowledge itself to be a chattel. She wrote to us thus,
soon after the event: ‘I thank you for your kind expressions in
regard to my freedom; but the freedom I had before the money was
paid was dearer to me. God gave me that freedom; but man put
God’s image in the scales with the paltry sum of three hundred
dollars. I served for my liberty as faithfully as Jacob served
for Rachel. At the end, he had large possessions; but I was
robbed of my victory; I was obliged to resign my crown, to rid
myself of a tyrant.’

“Her story, as written by herself, cannot fail to interest the
reader. It is a sad illustration of the condition of this
country, which boasts of its civilization, while it sanctions
laws and customs which make the experiences of the present more
strange than any fictions of the past.

Amy Post.

“Rochester, N.Y., Oct. 30th, 1859.”

The following testimonial is from a man who is now a highly respectable
colored citizen of Boston.

L.M.C.

“This narrative contains some incidents so extraordinary, that,
doubtless, many persons, under whose eyes it may chance to fall,
will be ready to believe that it is colored highly, to serve a
special purpose. But, however it may be regarded by the
incredulous, I know that it is full of living truths. I have been
well acquainted with the author from my boyhood. The
circumstances recounted in her history are perfectly familiar to
me. I knew of her treatment from her master; of the imprisonment
of her children; of their sale and redemption; of her seven
years’ concealment; and of her subsequent escape to the North. I
am now a resident of Boston, and am a living witness to the truth
of this interesting narrative.

George W. Lowther.”

*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK INCIDENTS IN THE LIFE OF A SLAVE GIRL, WRITTEN BY HERSELF ***

Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will
be renamed.

Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright
law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works,
so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United
States without permission and without paying copyright
royalties. Special rules, set forth in the General Terms of Use part
of this license, apply to copying and distributing Project
Gutenberg™ electronic works to protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG™
concept and trademark. Project Gutenberg is a registered trademark,
and may not be used if you charge for an eBook, except by following
the terms of the trademark license, including paying royalties for use
of the Project Gutenberg trademark. If you do not charge anything for
copies of this eBook, complying with the trademark license is very
easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose such as creation
of derivative works, reports, performances and research. Project
Gutenberg eBooks may be modified and printed and given away—you may
do practically ANYTHING in the United States with eBooks not protected
by U.S. copyright law. Redistribution is subject to the trademark
license, especially commercial redistribution.

START: FULL LICENSE

THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE

PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK

To protect the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting the free
distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase “Project
Gutenberg”), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full
Project Gutenberg™ License available with this file or online at
www.gutenberg.org/license.

Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg™
electronic works

1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg™
electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all
the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or
destroy all copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in your
possession. If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a
Project Gutenberg™ electronic work and you do not agree to be bound
by the terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person
or entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.

1.B. “Project Gutenberg” is a registered trademark. It may only be
used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few
things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See
paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project
Gutenberg™ electronic works if you follow the terms of this
agreement and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg™
electronic works. See paragraph 1.E below.

1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation (“the
Foundation” or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection
of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works. Nearly all the individual
works in the collection are in the public domain in the United
States. If an individual work is unprotected by copyright law in the
United States and you are located in the United States, we do not
claim a right to prevent you from copying, distributing, performing,
displaying or creating derivative works based on the work as long as
all references to Project Gutenberg are removed. Of course, we hope
that you will support the Project Gutenberg™ mission of promoting
free access to electronic works by freely sharing Project Gutenberg™
works in compliance with the terms of this agreement for keeping the
Project Gutenberg™ name associated with the work. You can easily
comply with the terms of this agreement by keeping this work in the
same format with its attached full Project Gutenberg™ License when
you share it without charge with others.

1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are
in a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States,
check the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this
agreement before downloading, copying, displaying, performing,
distributing or creating derivative works based on this work or any
other Project Gutenberg™ work. The Foundation makes no
representations concerning the copyright status of any work in any
country other than the United States.

1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:

1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other
immediate access to, the full Project Gutenberg™ License must appear
prominently whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg™ work (any work
on which the phrase “Project Gutenberg” appears, or with which the
phrase “Project Gutenberg” is associated) is accessed, displayed,
performed, viewed, copied or distributed:

This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and most
other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online
at
www.gutenberg.org. If you
are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws
of the country where you are located before using this eBook.

1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is
derived from texts not protected by U.S. copyright law (does not
contain a notice indicating that it is posted with permission of the
copyright holder), the work can be copied and distributed to anyone in
the United States without paying any fees or charges. If you are
redistributing or providing access to a work with the phrase “Project
Gutenberg” associated with or appearing on the work, you must comply
either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 or
obtain permission for the use of the work and the Project Gutenberg™
trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg™ electronic work is posted
with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any
additional terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms
will be linked to the Project Gutenberg™ License for all works
posted with the permission of the copyright holder found at the
beginning of this work.

1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg™
License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg™.

1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
Gutenberg™ License.

1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including
any word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access
to or distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg™ work in a format
other than “Plain Vanilla ASCII” or other format used in the official
version posted on the official Project Gutenberg™ website
(www.gutenberg.org), you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense
to the user, provide a copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means
of obtaining a copy upon request, of the work in its original “Plain
Vanilla ASCII” or other form. Any alternate format must include the
full Project Gutenberg™ License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.

1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg™ works
unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.

1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
access to or distributing Project Gutenberg™ electronic works
provided that:

• You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
the use of Project Gutenberg™ works calculated using the method
you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is owed
to the owner of the Project Gutenberg™ trademark, but he has
agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments must be paid
within 60 days following each date on which you prepare (or are
legally required to prepare) your periodic tax returns. Royalty
payments should be clearly marked as such and sent to the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the address specified in
Section 4, “Information about donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation.”

• You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg™
License. You must require such a user to return or destroy all
copies of the works possessed in a physical medium and discontinue
all use of and all access to other copies of Project Gutenberg™
works.

• You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of
any money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days of
receipt of the work.

• You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
distribution of Project Gutenberg™ works.

1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project
Gutenberg™ electronic work or group of works on different terms than
are set forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing
from the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the manager of
the Project Gutenberg™ trademark. Contact the Foundation as set
forth in Section 3 below.

1.F.

1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
works not protected by U.S. copyright law in creating the Project
Gutenberg™ collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg™
electronic works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may
contain “Defects,” such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate
or corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other
intellectual property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or
other medium, a computer virus, or computer codes that damage or
cannot be read by your equipment.

1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES – Except for the “Right
of Replacement or Refund” described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
Gutenberg™ trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
Gutenberg™ electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH 1.F.3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
DAMAGE.

1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND – If you discover a
defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you
received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium
with your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you
with the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in
lieu of a refund. If you received the work electronically, the person
or entity providing it to you may choose to give you a second
opportunity to receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If
the second copy is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing
without further opportunities to fix the problem.

1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you ‘AS-IS’, WITH NO
OTHER WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT
LIMITED TO WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.

1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of
damages. If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement
violates the law of the state applicable to this agreement, the
agreement shall be interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or
limitation permitted by the applicable state law. The invalidity or
unenforceability of any provision of this agreement shall not void the
remaining provisions.

1.F.6. INDEMNITY – You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
providing copies of Project Gutenberg™ electronic works in
accordance with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the
production, promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg™
electronic works, harmless from all liability, costs and expenses,
including legal fees, that arise directly or indirectly from any of
the following which you do or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this
or any Project Gutenberg™ work, (b) alteration, modification, or
additions or deletions to any Project Gutenberg™ work, and (c) any
Defect you cause.

Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg™

Project Gutenberg™ is synonymous with the free distribution of
electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of
computers including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It
exists because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations
from people in all walks of life.

Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
assistance they need are critical to reaching Project Gutenberg™’s
goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg™ collection will
remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project
Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
and permanent future for Project Gutenberg™ and future
generations. To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation and how your efforts and donations can help, see
Sections 3 and 4 and the Foundation information page at www.gutenberg.org.

Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation

The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non-profit
501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
Revenue Service. The Foundation’s EIN or federal tax identification
number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent permitted by
U.S. federal laws and your state’s laws.

The Foundation’s business office is located at 809 North 1500 West,
Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887. Email contact links and up
to date contact information can be found at the Foundation’s website
and official page at www.gutenberg.org/contact

Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
Literary Archive Foundation

Project Gutenberg™ depends upon and cannot survive without widespread
public support and donations to carry out its mission of
increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
freely distributed in machine-readable form accessible by the widest
array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations
($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
status with the IRS.

The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations
where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To SEND
DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any particular state
visit
www.gutenberg.org/donate.

While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
approach us with offers to donate.

International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.

Please check the Project Gutenberg web pages for current donation
methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other
ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. To
donate, please visit: www.gutenberg.org/donate.

Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg™ electronic works

Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project
Gutenberg™ concept of a library of electronic works that could be
freely shared with anyone. For forty years, he produced and
distributed Project Gutenberg™ eBooks with only a loose network of
volunteer support.

Project Gutenberg™ eBooks are often created from several printed
editions, all of which are confirmed as not protected by copyright in
the U.S. unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not
necessarily keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper
edition.

Most people start at our website which has the main PG search
facility:
www.gutenberg.org.

This website includes information about Project Gutenberg™,
including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.

Invisible Man

by Ralph Ellison

a.b.e-book v3.0 / Notes at EOF

Back Cover:

Winner of the National Book Award for fiction. . . Acclaimed by a 1965 Book

Week poll of 200 prominent authors, critics, and editors as “the most

distinguished single work published in the last twenty years.”

Unlike any novel you’ve ever read, this is a richly comic, deeply

tragic, and profoundly soul-searching story of one young Negro’s baffling

experiences on the road to self-discovery.

From the bizarre encounter with the white trustee that results in his

expulsion from a Southern college, to its powerful culmination in New York’s

Harlem, his story moves with a relentless drive: — the nightmarish job in a

paint factory — the bitter disillusionment with the “Brotherhood” and its

policy of betrayal — the violent climax when screaming tensions are released

in a terrifying race riot.

This brilliant, monumental novel is a triumph of story-telling. It

reveals profound insight into every man’s struggle to find his true self.

“Tough, brutal, sensational. . . it blazes with authentic talent.” — New York

Times

“A work of extraordinary intensity — powerfully imagined and written with a

savage, wryly humorous gusto.” — The Atlantic Monthly

“A stunning block-buster of a book that will floor and flabbergast some

people, bedevil and intrigue others, and keep everybody reading right through

to its explosive end.” — Langston Hughes

“Ellison writes at a white heat, but a heat which he manipulates like a

veteran.” — Chicago Sun-Times

TO IDA

COPYRIGHT, 1947, 1948, 1952, BY RALPH ELLISON

All rights reserved under International

and Pan-American Copyright Conventions.

For information address Random House, Inc.,

457 Madison Avenue, New York, New York 10022.

This is an authorized reprint of a hardcover edition

published by Random House, Inc.

THIRTEENTH PRINTING

SIGNET BOOKS are published by

The New American Library, Inc.,

1301 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10019

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

“You are saved,” cried Captain Delano, more and more astonished and pained;

“you are saved: what has cast such a shadow upon you?”

Herman Melville, Benito Cereno

HARRY: I tell you, it is not me you are looking at,

Not me you are grinning at, not me your confidential looks

Incriminate, but that other person, if person,

You thought I was: let your necrophily

Feed upon that carcase. . .

T. S. Eliot, Family Reunion

Prologue

I am an invisible man. No, I am not a spook like those who haunted

Edgar Allan Poe; nor am I one of your Hollywood-movie ectoplasms. I am a

man of substance, of flesh and bone, fiber and liquids — and I might even be

said to possess a mind. I am invisible, understand, simply because people

refuse to see me. Like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus

sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard,

distorting glass. When they approach me they see only my surroundings,

themselves, or figments of their imagination — indeed, everything and

anything except me.

Nor is my invisibility exactly a matter of a bio-chemical accident to

my epidermis. That invisibility to which I refer occurs because of a peculiar

disposition of the eyes of those with whom I come in contact. A matter of

the construction of their inner eyes, those eyes with which they look through

their physical eyes upon reality. I am not complaining, nor am I protesting

either. It is sometimes advantageous to be unseen, although it is most often

rather wearing on the nerves. Then too, you’re constantly being bumped

against by those of poor vision. Or again, you often doubt if you really exist.

You wonder whether you aren’t simply a phantom in other people’s minds.

Say, a figure in a nightmare which the sleeper tries with all his strength to

destroy. It’s when you feel like this that, out of resentment, you begin to

bump people back. And, let me confess, you feel that way most of the time.

You ache with the need to convince yourself that you do exist in the real

world, that you’re a part of all the sound and anguish, and you strike out

with your fists, you curse and you swear to make them recognize you. And,

alas, it’s seldom successful.

One night I accidentally bumped into a man, and perhaps because of

the near darkness he saw me and called me an insulting name. I sprang at

him, seized his coat lapels and demanded that he apologize. He was a tall

blond man, and as my face came close to his he looked insolently out of his

blue eyes and cursed me, his breath hot in my face as he struggled. I pulled

his chin down sharp upon the crown of my head, butting him as I had seen

the West Indians do, and I felt his flesh tear and the blood gush out, and I

yelled, “Apologize! Apologize!” But he continued to curse and struggle, and I

butted him again and again until he went down heavily, on his knees,

profusely bleeding. I kicked him repeatedly, in a frenzy because he still

uttered insults though his lips were frothy with blood. Oh yes, I kicked him!

And in my outrage I got out my knife and prepared to slit his throat, right

there beneath the lamplight in the deserted street, holding him by the collar

with one hand, and opening the knife with my teeth — when it occurred to

me that the man had not seen me, actually; that he, as far as he knew, was

in the midst of a walking nightmare! And I stopped the blade, slicing the air

as I pushed him away, letting him fall back to the street. I stared at him

hard as the lights of a car stabbed through the darkness. He lay there,

moaning on the asphalt; a man almost killed by a phantom. It unnerved me.

I was both disgusted and ashamed. I was like a drunken man myself,

wavering about on weakened legs. Then I was amused. Something in this

man’s thick head had sprung out and beaten him within an inch of his life. I

began to laugh at this crazy discovery. Would he have awakened at the point

of death? Would Death himself have freed him for wakeful living? But I

didn’t linger. I ran away into the dark, laughing so hard I feared I might

rupture myself. The next day I saw his picture in the Daily News, beneath a

caption stating that he had been “mugged.” Poor fool, poor blind fool, I

thought with sincere compassion, mugged by an invisible man!

Most of the time (although I do not choose as I once did to deny

the violence of my days by ignoring it) I am not so overtly violent. I

remember that I am invisible and walk softly so as not to awaken the

sleeping ones. Sometimes it is best not to awaken them; there are few things

in the world as dangerous as sleepwalkers. I learned in time though that it is

possible to carry on a fight against them without their realizing it. For

instance, I have been carrying on a fight with Monopolated Light & Power for

some time now. I use their service and pay them nothing at all, and they

don’t know it. Oh, they suspect that power is being drained off, but they

don’t know where. All they know is that according to the master meter back

there in their power station a hell of a lot of free current is disappearing

somewhere into the jungle of Harlem. The joke, of course, is that I don’t live

in Harlem but in a border area. Several years ago (before I discovered the

advantage of being invisible) I went through the routine process of buying

service and paying their outrageous rates. But no more. I gave up all that,

along with my apartment, and my old way of life: That way based upon the

fallacious assumption that I, like other men, was visible. Now, aware of my

invisibility, I live rent-free in a building rented strictly to whites, in a section

of the basement that was shut off and forgotten during the nineteenth

century, which I discovered when I was trying to escape in the night from

Ras the Destroyer. But that’s getting too far ahead of the story, almost to the

end, although the end is in the beginning and lies far ahead.

The point now is that I found a home — or a hole in the ground, as

you will. Now don’t jump to the conclusion that because I call my home a

“hole” it is damp and cold like a grave; there are cold holes and warm holes.

Mine is a warm hole. And remember, a bear retires to his hole for the winter

and lives until spring; then he comes strolling out like the Easter chick

breaking from its shell. I say all this to assure you that it is incorrect to

assume that, because I’m invisible and live in a hole, I am dead. I am

neither dead nor in a state of suspended animation. Call me Jack-the-Bear,

for I am in a state of hibernation.

My hole is warm and full of light. Yes, full of light. I doubt if there

is a brighter spot in all New York than this hole of mine, and I do not

exclude Broadway. Or the Empire State Building on a photographer’s dream

night. But that is taking advantage of you. Those two spots are among the

darkest of our whole civilization — pardon me, our whole culture (an

important distinction, I’ve heard) — which might sound like a hoax, or a

contradiction, but that (by contradiction, I mean) is how the world moves:

Not like an arrow, but a boomerang. (Beware of those who speak of the

spiral of history; they are preparing a boomerang. Keep a steel helmet handy.)

I know; I have been boomeranged across my head so much that I now can

see the darkness of lightness. And I love light. Perhaps you’ll think it strange

that an invisible man should need light, desire light, love light. But maybe it

is exactly because I am invisible. Light confirms my reality, gives birth to my

form. A beautiful girl once told me of a recurring nightmare in which she lay

in the center of a large dark room and felt her face expand until it filled the

whole room, becoming a formless mass while her eyes ran in bilious jelly up

the chimney. And so it is with me. Without light I am not only invisible, but

formless as well; and to be unaware of one’s form is to live a death. I

myself, after existing some twenty years, did not become alive until I

discovered my invisibility.

That is why I fight my battle with Monopolated Light & Power. The

deeper reason, I mean: It allows me to feel my vital aliveness. I also fight

them for taking so much of my money before I learned to protect myself. In

my hole in the basement there are exactly 1,369 lights. I’ve wired the entire

ceiling, every inch of it. And not with fluorescent bulbs, but with the older,

more-expensive-to-operate kind, the filament type. An act of sabotage, you

know. I’ve already begun to wire the wall. A junk man I know, a man of

vision, has supplied me with wire and sockets. Nothing, storm or flood, must

get in the way of our need for light and ever more and brighter light. The

truth is the light and light is the truth. When I finish all four walls, then I’ll

start on the floor. Just how that will go, I don’t know. Yet when you have

lived invisible as long as I have you develop a certain ingenuity. I’ll solve the

problem. And maybe I’ll invent a gadget to place my coffeepot on the fire

while I lie in bed, and even invent a gadget to warm my bed — like the

fellow I saw in one of the picture magazines who made himself a gadget to

warm his shoes! Though invisible, I am in the great American tradition of

tinkers. That makes me kin to Ford, Edison and Franklin. Call me, since I

have a theory and a concept, a “thinker-tinker.” Yes, I’ll warm my shoes; they

need it, they’re usually full of holes. I’ll do that and more.

Now I have one radio-phonograph; I plan to have five. There is a

certain acoustical deadness in my hole, and when I have music I want to feel

its vibration, not only with my ear but with my whole body. I’d like to hear

five recordings of Louis Armstrong playing and singing “What Did I Do to Be

so Black and Blue” — all at the same time. Sometimes now I listen to Louis

while I have my favorite dessert of vanilla ice cream and sloe gin. I pour the

red liquid over the white mound, watching it glisten and the vapor rising as

Louis bends that military instrument into a beam of lyrical sound. Perhaps I

like Louis Armstrong because he’s made poetry out of being invisible. I think

it must be because he’s unaware that he is invisible. And my own grasp of

invisibility aids me to understand his music. Once when I asked for a

cigarette, some jokers gave me a reefer, which I lighted when I got home and

sat listening to my phonograph. It was a strange evening. Invisibility, let me

explain, gives one a slightly different sense of time, you’re never quite on the

beat. Sometimes you’re ahead and sometimes behind. Instead of the swift and

imperceptible flowing of time, you are aware of its nodes, those points where

time stands still or from which it leaps ahead. And you slip into the breaks

and look around. That’s what you hear vaguely in Louis’ music.

Once I saw a prizefighter boxing a yokel. The fighter was swift and

amazingly scientific. His body was one violent flow of rapid rhythmic action.

He hit the yokel a hundred times while the yokel held up his arms in

stunned surprise. But suddenly the yokel, rolling about in the gale of boxing

gloves, struck one blow and knocked science, speed and footwork as cold as a

well-digger’s posterior. The smart money hit the canvas. The long shot got the

nod. The yokel had simply stepped inside of his opponent’s sense of time. So

under the spell of the reefer I discovered a new analytical way of listening to

music. The unheard sounds came through, and each melodic line existed of

itself, stood out clearly from all the rest, said its piece, and waited patiently

for the other voices to speak. That night I found myself hearing not only in

time, but in space as well. I not only entered the music but descended, like

Dante, into its depths. And beneath the swiftness of the hot tempo there was

a slower tempo and a cave and I entered it and looked around and heard an

old woman singing a spiritual as full of Weltschmerz as flamenco, and

beneath that lay a still lower level on which I saw a beautiful girl the color

of ivory pleading in a voice like my mother’s as she stood before a group of

slave owners who bid for her naked body, and below that I found a lower

level and a more rapid tempo and I heard someone shout:

“Brothers and sisters, my text this morning is the ‘Blackness of

Blackness.’ ”

And a congregation of voices answered: “That blackness is most

black, brother, most black . . .”

“In the beginning . . .”

“At the very start,” they cried.

“. . . there was blackness . . .”

“Preach it . . .”

“. . . and the sun . . .”

“The sun, Lawd . . .”

“. . . was bloody red . . .”

“Red . . .”

“Now black is . . .” the preacher shouted.

“Bloody . . .”

“I said black is . . .”

“Preach it, brother . . .”

“. . . an’ black ain’t . . ”

“Red, Lawd, red: He said it’s red!”

“Amen, brother . . .”

“Black will git you . . .”

“Yes, it will . . .”

“. . . an’ black won’t . . .”

“Naw, it won’t!”

“It do . . .”

“It do, Lawd . . .”

“. . . an’ it don’t.”

“Halleluiah . . .”

“. . . It’ll put you, glory, glory, Oh my Lawd, in the WHALE’S

BELLY.”

“Preach it, dear brother . . .”

“. . . an’ make you tempt . . .”

“Good God a-mighty!”

“Old Aunt Nelly!”

“Black will make you . . .”

“Black . . .”

“. . . or black will un-make you.”

“Ain’t it the truth, Lawd?”

And at that point a voice of trombone timbre screamed at me, “Git

out of, here, you fool! Is you ready to commit treason?”

And I tore myself away, hearing the old singer of spirituals moaning,

“Go curse your God, boy, and die.”

I stopped and questioned her, asked her what was wrong.

“I dearly loved my master, son,” she said.

“You should have hated him,” I said.

“He gave me several sons,” she said, “and because I loved my sons I

learned to love their father though I hated him too.”

“I too have become acquainted with ambivalence,” I said. “That’s why

I’m here.”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing, a word that doesn’t explain it. Why do you moan?”

“I moan this way ’cause he’s dead,” she said.

“Then tell me, who is that laughing upstairs?”

“Them’s my sons. They glad.”

“Yes, I can understand that too,” I said.

“I laughs too, but I moans too. He promised to set us free but he

never could bring hisself to do it. Still I loved him . . .”

“Loved him? You mean . . .”

“Oh yes, but 1 loved something else even more.”

“What more?”

“Freedom.”

“Freedom,” I said. “Maybe freedom lies in hating.”

“Naw, son, it’s in loving. I loved him and give him the poison and

he withered away like a frost-bit apple. Them boys woulda tore him to pieces

with they homemake knives.”

“A mistake was made somewhere,” I said, “I’m confused.” And I

wished to say other things, but the laughter upstairs became too loud and

moan-like for me and I tried to break out of it, but I couldn’t. Just as I was

leaving I felt an urgent desire to ask her what freedom was and went back.

She sat with her head in her hands, moaning softly; her leather-brown face

was filled with sadness.

“Old woman, what is this freedom you love so well?” I asked around

a corner of my mind.

She looked surprised, then thoughtful, then baffled. “I done forgot,

son. It’s all mixed up. First I think it’s one thing, then I think it’s another. It

gits my head to spinning. I guess now it ain’t nothing but knowing how to

say what I got up in my head. But it’s a hard job, son. Too much is done

happen to me in too short a time. Hit’s like I have a fever. Ever’ time I

starts to walk my head gits to swirling and I falls down. Or if it ain’t that,

it’s the boys; they gits to laughing and wants to kill up the white folks.

They’s bitter, that’s what they is . . .”

“But what about freedom?”

“Leave me ‘lone, boy; my head aches!”

I left her, feeling dizzy myself. I didn’t get far.

Suddenly one of the sons, a big fellow six feet tall, appeared out of

nowhere and struck me with his fist.

“What’s the matter, man?” I cried.

“You made Ma cry!”

“But how?” I said, dodging a blow.

“Askin’ her them questions, that’s how. Git outa here and stay, and

next time you got questions like that, ask yourself!”

He held me in a grip like cold stone, his fingers fastening upon my

windpipe until I thought I would suffocate before he finally allowed me to go.

I stumbled about dazed, the music beating hysterically in my ears. It was

dark. My head cleared and I wandered down a dark narrow passage, thinking

I heard his footsteps hurrying behind me. I was sore, and into my being had

come a profound craving for tranquillity, for peace and quiet, a state I felt I

could never achieve. For one thing, the trumpet was blaring and the rhythm

was too hectic. A tomtom beating like heart-thuds began drowning out the

trumpet, filling my ears. I longed for water and I heard it rushing through

the cold mains my fingers touched as I felt my way, but I couldn’t stop to

search because of the footsteps behind me.

“Hey, Ras,” I called. “Is it you, Destroyer? Rinehart?”

No answer, only the rhythmic footsteps behind me. Once I tried

crossing the road, but a speeding machine struck me, scraping the skin from

my leg as it roared past.

Then somehow I came out of it, ascending hastily from this

underworld of sound to hear Louis Armstrong innocently asking,

What did I do

To be so black

And blue?

At first I was afraid; this familiar music had demanded action, the

kind of which I was incapable, and yet had I lingered there beneath the

surface I might have attempted to act. Nevertheless, I know now that few

really listen to this music. I sat on the chair’s edge in a soaking sweat, as

though each of my 1,369 bulbs had everyone become a klieg light in an

individual setting for a third degree with Ras and Rinehart in charge. It was

exhausting — as though I had held my breath continuously for an hour under

the terrifying serenity that comes from days of intense hunger. And yet, it

was a strangely satisfying experience for an invisible man to hear the silence

of sound. I had discovered unrecognized compulsions of my being — even

though I could not answer “yes” to their promptings. I haven’t smoked a

reefer since, however; not because they’re illegal, but because to see around

corners is enough (that is not unusual when you are invisible). But to hear

around them is too much; it inhibits action. And despite Brother Jack and all

that sad, lost period of the Brotherhood, I believe in nothing if not in action.

Please, a definition: A hibernation is a covert preparation for a more

overt action.

Besides, the drug destroys one’s sense of time completely. If that

happened, I might forget to dodge some bright morning and some cluck

would run me down with an orange and yellow street car, or a bilious bus!

Or I might forget to leave my hole when the moment for action presents

itself.

Meanwhile I enjoy my life with the compliments of Monopolated

Light & Power. Since you never recognize me even when in closest contact

with me, and since, no doubt, you’ll hardly believe that I exist, it won’t

matter if you know that I tapped a power line leading into the building and

ran it into my hole in the ground. Before that I lived in the darkness into

which I was chased, but now I see. I’ve illuminated the blackness of my

invisibility — and vice versa. And so I play the invisible music of my

isolation. The last statement doesn’t seem just right, does it? But it is; you

hear this music simply because music is heard and seldom seen, except by

musicians. Could this compulsion to put invisibility down in black and white

be thus an urge to make music of invisibility? But I am an orator, a rabble

rouser — Am? I was, and perhaps shall be again. Who knows? All sickness is

not unto death, neither is invisibility.

I can hear you say, “What a horrible, irresponsible bastard!” And

you’re right. I leap to agree with you. I am one of the most irresponsible

beings that ever lived. Irresponsibility is part of my invisibility; any way you

face it, it is a denial. But to whom can I be responsible, and why should I

be, when you refuse to see me? And wait until I reveal how truly

irresponsible I am. Responsibility rests upon recognition, and recognition is a

form of agreement. Take the man whom I almost killed: Who was responsible

for that near murder — I? I don’t think so, and I refuse it. I won’t buy it.

You can’t give it to me. He bumped me, he insulted me. Shouldn’t he, for his

own personal safety, have recognized my hysteria, my “danger potential”? He,

let us say, was lost in a dream world. But didn’t he control that dream world

— which, alas, is only too real! — and didn’t he rule me out of it? And if he

had yelled for a policeman, wouldn’t I have been taken for the offending one?

Yes, yes, yes! Let me agree with you, I was the irresponsible one; for I

should have used my knife to protect the higher interests of society. Some

day that kind of foolishness will cause us tragic trouble. All dreamers and

sleepwalkers must pay the price, and even the invisible victim is responsible

for the fate of all. But I shirked that responsibility; I became too snarled in

the incompatible notions that buzzed within my brain. I was a coward . . .

But what did I do to be so blue? Bear with me.

Chapter 1

It goes a long way back, some twenty years. All my life I had been

looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me

what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in

contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was na?e. I was looking for myself

and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could

answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my

expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born

with: That I am nobody but myself. But first I had to discover that I am an

invisible man!

And yet I am no freak of nature, nor of history. I was in the cards,

other things having been equal (or unequal) eighty-five years ago. I am not

ashamed of my grandparents for having been slaves. I am only ashamed of

myself for having at one time been ashamed. About eighty-five years ago they

were told that they were free, united with others of our country in everything

pertaining to the common good, and, in everything social, separate like the

fingers of the hand. And they believed it. They exulted in it. They stayed in

their place, worked hard, and brought up my father to do the same. But my

grandfather is the one. He was an odd old guy, my grandfather, and I am

told I take after him. It was he who caused the trouble. On his deathbed he

called my father to him and said, “Son, after I’m gone I want you to keep up

the good fight. I never told you, but our life is a war and I have been a

traitor all my born days, a spy in the enemy’s country ever since I give up

my gun back in the Reconstruction. Live with your head in the lion’s mouth.

I want you to overcome ’em with yeses, undermine ’em with grins, agree ’em

to death and destruction, let ’em swoller you till they vomit or bust wide

open.” They thought the old man had gone out of his mind. He had been the

meekest of men. The younger children were rushed from the room, the

shades drawn and the flame of the lamp turned so low that it sputtered on

the wick like the old man’s breathing. “Learn it to the younguns,” he

whispered fiercely; then he died.

But my folks were more alarmed over his last words than over his

dying. It was as though he had not died at all, his words caused so much

anxiety. I was warned emphatically to forget what he had said and, indeed,

this is the first time it has been mentioned outside the family circle. It had a

tremendous effect upon me, however. I could never be sure of what he

meant. Grandfather had been a quiet old man who never made any trouble,

yet on his deathbed he had called himself a traitor and a spy, and he had

spoken of his meekness as a dangerous activity. It became a constant puzzle

which lay unanswered in the back of my mind. And whenever things went

well for me I remembered my grandfather and felt guilty and uncomfortable.

It was as though I was carrying out his advice in spite of myself. And to

make it worse, everyone loved me for it. I was praised by the most lily-white

men of the town. I was considered an example of desirable conduct — just as

my grandfather had been. And what puzzled me was that the old man had

defined it as treachery. When I was praised for my conduct I felt a guilt that

in some way I was doing something that was really against the wishes of the

white folks, that if they had understood they would have desired me to act

just the opposite, that I should have been sulky and mean, and that that

really would have been what they wanted, even though they were fooled and

thought they wanted me to act as I did. It made me afraid that some day

they would look upon me as a traitor and I would be lost. Still I was more

afraid to act any other way because they didn’t like that at all. The old man’s

words were like a curse. On my graduation day I delivered an oration in

which I showed that humility was the secret, indeed, the very essence of

progress. (Not that I believed this — how could I, remembering my

grandfather? — I only believed that it worked.) It was a great success.

Everyone praised me and I was invited to give the speech at a gathering of

the town’s leading white citizens. It was a triumph for our whole community.

It was in the main ballroom of the leading hotel. When I got there I

discovered that it was on the occasion of a smoker, and I was told that since

I was to be there anyway I might as well take part in the battle royal to be

fought by some of my schoolmates as part of the entertainment. The battle

royal came first.

All of the town’s big shots were there in their tuxedoes, wolfing down

the buffet foods, drinking beer and whiskey and smoking black cigars. It was

a large room with a high ceiling. Chairs were arranged in neat rows around

three sides of a portable boxing ring. The fourth side was clear, revealing a

gleaming space of polished floor. I had some misgivings over the battle royal,

by the way. Not from a distaste for fighting, but because I didn’t care too

much for the other fellows who were to take part. They were tough guys who

seemed to have no grandfather’s curse worrying their minds. No one could

mistake their toughness. And besides, I suspected that fighting a battle royal

might detract from the dignity of my speech. In those pre-invisible days I

visualized myself as a potential Booker T. Washington. But the other fellows

didn’t care too much for me either, and there were nine of them. I felt

superior to them in my way, and I didn’t like the manner in which we were

all crowded together into the servants’ elevator. Nor did they like my being

there. In fact, as the warmly lighted floors flashed past the elevator we had

words over the fact that I, by taking part in the fight, had knocked one of

their friends out of a night’s work.

We were led out of the elevator through a rococo hall into an

anteroom and told to get into our fighting togs. Each of us was issued a pair

of boxing gloves and ushered out into the big mirrored hall, which we

entered looking cautiously about us and whispering, lest we might accidentally

be heard above the noise of the room. It was foggy with cigar smoke. And

already the whiskey was taking effect. I was shocked to see some of the most

important men of the town quite tipsy. They were all there — bankers,

lawyers, judges, doctors, fire chiefs, teachers, merchants. Even one of the

more fashionable pastors. Something we could not see was going on up front.

A clarinet was vibrating sensuously and the men were standing up and

moving eagerly forward. We were a small tight group, clustered together, our

bare upper bodies touching and shining with anticipatory sweat; while up

front the big shots were becoming increasingly excited over something we still

could not see. Suddenly I heard the school superintendent, who had told me

to come, yell, “Bring up the shines, gentlemen! Bring up the little shines!”

We were rushed up to the front of the ballroom, where it smelled

even more strongly of tobacco and whiskey. Then we were pushed into place.

I almost wet my pants. A sea of faces, some hostile, some amused, ringed

around us, and in the center, facing us, stood a magnificent blonde — stark

naked. There was dead silence. I felt a blast of cold air chill me. I tried to

back away, but they were behind me and around me. Some of the boys stood

with lowered heads, trembling. I felt a wave of irrational guilt and fear. My

teeth chattered, my skin turned to goose flesh, my knees knocked. Yet I was

strongly attracted and looked in spite of myself. Had the price of looking

been blindness, I would have looked. The hair was yellow like that of a circus

kewpie doll, the face heavily powdered and rouged, as though to form an

abstract mask, the eyes hollow and smeared a cool blue, the color of a

baboon’s butt. I felt a desire to spit upon her as my eyes brushed slowly over

her body. Her breasts were firm and round as the domes of East Indian

temples, and I stood so close as to see the fine skin texture and beads of

pearly perspiration glistening like dew around the pink and erected buds of

her nipples. I wanted at one and the same time to run from the room, to

sink through the floor, or go to her and cover her from my eyes and the

eyes of the others with my body; to feel the soft thighs, to caress her and

destroy her, to love her and murder her, to hide from her, and yet to stroke

where below the small American flag tattooed upon her belly her thighs

formed a capital V. I had a notion that of all in the room she saw only me

with her impersonal eyes.

And then she began to dance, a slow sensuous movement; the smoke

of a hundred cigars clinging to her like the thinnest of veils. She seemed like

a fair bird-girl girdled in veils calling to me from the angry surface of some

gray and threatening sea. I was transported. Then I became aware of the

clarinet playing and the big shots yelling at us. Some threatened us if we

looked and others if we did not. On my right I saw one boy faint. And now

a man grabbed a silver pitcher from a table and stepped close as he dashed

ice water upon him and stood him up and forced two of us to support him

as his head hung and moans issued from his thick bluish lips. Another boy

began to plead to go home. He was the largest of the group, wearing dark

red fighting trunks much too small to conceal the erection which projected

from him as though in answer to the insinuating low-registered moaning of

the clarinet. He tried to hide himself with his boxing gloves.

And all the while the blonde continued dancing, smiling faintly at the

big shots who watched her with fascination, and faintly smiling at our fear. I

noticed a certain merchant who followed her hungrily, his lips loose and

drooling. He was a large man who wore diamond studs in a shirtfront which

swelled with the ample paunch underneath, and each time the blonde swayed

her undulating hips he ran his hand through the thin hair of his bald head

and, with his arms upheld, his posture clumsy like that of an intoxicated

panda, wound his belly in a slow and obscene grind. This creature was

completely hypnotized. The music had quickened. As the dancer flung herself

about with a detached expression on her face, the men began reaching out to

touch her. I could see their beefy fingers sink into the soft flesh. Some of the

others tried to stop them and she began to move around the floor in graceful

circles, as they gave chase, slipping and sliding over the polished floor. It was

mad. Chairs went crashing, drinks were spilt, as they ran laughing and

howling after her. They caught her just as she reached a door, raised her

from the floor, and tossed her as college boys are tossed at a hazing, and

above her red, fixed-smiling lips I saw the terror and disgust in her eyes,

almost like my own terror and that which I saw in some of the other boys.

As I watched, they tossed her twice and her soft breasts seemed to flatten

against the air and her legs flung wildly as she spun. Some of the more

sober ones helped her to escape. And I started off the floor, heading for the

anteroom with the rest of the boys.

Some were still crying and in hysteria. But as we tried to leave we

were stopped and ordered to get into the ring. There was nothing to do but

what we were told. All ten of us climbed under the ropes and allowed

ourselves to be blindfolded with broad bands of white cloth. One of the men

seemed to feel a bit sympathetic and tried to cheer us up as we stood with

our backs against the ropes. Some of us tried to grin. “See that boy over

there?” one of the men said. “I want you to run across at the bell and give it

to him right in the belly. If you don’t get him, I’m going to get you. I don’t

like his looks.” Each of us was told the same. The blindfolds were put on.

Yet even then I had been going over my speech. In my mind each word was

as bright as flame. I felt the cloth pressed into place, and frowned so that it

would be loosened when I relaxed.

But now I felt a sudden fit of blind terror. I was unused to darkness.

It was as though I had suddenly found myself in a dark room filled with

poisonous cottonmouths. I could hear the bleary voices yelling insistently for

the battle royal to begin.

“Get going in there!”

“Let me at that big nigger!”

I strained to pick up the school superintendent’s voice, as though to

squeeze some security out of that slightly more familiar sound.

“Let me at those black sonsabitches!” someone yelled.

“No, Jackson, no!” another voice yelled. “Here, somebody, help me

hold Jack.”

“I want to get at that ginger-colored nigger. Tear him limb from

limb,” the first voice yelled.

I stood against the ropes trembling. For in those days I was what

they called ginger-colored, and he sounded as though he might crunch me

between his teeth like a crisp ginger cookie.

Quite a struggle was going on. Chairs were being kicked about and I

could hear voices grunting as with a terrific effort. I wanted to see, to see

more desperately than ever before. But the blindfold was as tight as a thick

skin-puckering scab and when I raised my gloved hands to push the layers of

white aside a voice yelled, “Oh, no you don’t, black bastard! Leave that

alone!”

“Ring the bell before Jackson kills him a coon!” someone boomed in

the sudden silence. And I heard the bell clang and the sound of the feet

scuffling forward.

A glove smacked against my head. I pivoted, striking out stiffly as

someone went past, and felt the jar ripple along the length of my arm to my

shoulder. Then it seemed as though all nine of the boys had turned upon me

at once. Blows pounded me from all sides while I struck out as best I could.

So many blows landed upon me that I wondered if I were not the only

blindfolded fighter in the ring, or if the man called Jackson hadn’t succeeded

in getting me after all.

Blindfolded, I could no longer control my motions. I had no dignity.

I stumbled about like a baby or a drunken man. The smoke had become

thicker and with each new blow it seemed to sear and further restrict my

lungs. My saliva became like hot bitter glue. A glove connected with my head,

filling my mouth with warm blood. It was everywhere. I could not tell if the

moisture I felt upon my body was sweat or blood. A blow landed hard

against the nape of my neck. I felt myself going over, my head hitting the

floor. Streaks of blue light filled the black world behind the blindfold. I lay

prone, pretending that I was knocked out, but felt myself seized by hands

and yanked to my feet. “Get going, black boy! Mix it up!” My arms were like

lead, my head smarting from blows. I managed to feel my way to the ropes

and held on, trying to catch my breath. A glove landed in my mid-section

and I went over again, feeling as though the smoke had become a knife

jabbed into my guts. Pushed this way and that by the legs milling around

me, I finally pulled erect and discovered that I could see the black,

sweat-washed forms weaving in the smoky-blue atmosphere like drunken

dancers weaving to the rapid drum-like thuds of blows.

Everyone fought hysterically. It was complete anarchy. Everybody

fought everybody else. No group fought together for long. Two, three, four,

fought one, then turned to fight each other, were themselves attacked.

Blows landed below the belt and in the kidney, with the gloves open as well

as closed, and with my eye partly opened now there was not so much terror.

I moved carefully, avoiding blows, although not too many to attract attention,

fighting from group to group. The boys groped about like blind, cautious

crabs crouching to protect their mid-sections, their heads pulled in short

against their shoulders, their arms stretched nervously before them, with their

fists testing the smoke-filled air like the knobbed feelers of hypersensitive

snails. In one corner I glimpsed a boy violently punching the air and heard

him scream in pain as he smashed his hand against a ring post. For a

second I saw him bent over holding his hand, then going down as a blow

caught his unprotected head. I played one group against the other, slipping in

and throwing a punch then stepping out of range while pushing the others

into the melee to take the blows blindly aimed at me. The smoke was

agonizing and there were no rounds, no bells at three minute intervals to

relieve our exhaustion. The room spun round me, a swirl of lights, smoke,

sweating bodies surrounded by tense white faces. I bled from both nose and

mouth, the blood spattering upon my chest.

The men kept yelling, “Slug him, black boy! Knock his guts out!”

“Uppercut him! Kill him! Kill that big boy!”

Taking a fake fall, I saw a boy going down heavily beside me as

though we were felled by a single blow, saw a sneaker-clad foot shoot into

his groin as the two who had knocked him down stumbled upon him. I

rolled out of range, feeling a twinge of nausea.

The harder we fought the more threatening the men became. And

yet, I had begun to worry about my speech again. How would it go? Would

they recognize my ability? What would they give me?

I was fighting automatically when suddenly I noticed that one after

another of the boys was leaving the ring. I was surprised, filled with panic, as

though I had been left alone with an unknown danger. Then I understood.

The boys had arranged it among themselves. It was the custom for the two

men left in the ring to slug it out for the winner’s prize. I discovered this too

late. When the bell sounded two men in tuxedoes leaped into the ring and

removed the blindfold. I found myself facing Tatlock, the biggest of the gang.

I felt sick at my stomach. Hardly had the bell stopped ringing in my ears

than it clanged again and I saw him moving swiftly toward me. Thinking of

nothing else to do I hit him smash on the nose. He kept coming, bringing

the rank sharp violence of stale sweat. His face was a black blank of a face,

only his eyes alive — with hate of me and aglow with a feverish terror from

what had happened to us all. I became anxious. I wanted to deliver my

speech and he came at me as though he meant to beat it out of me. I

smashed him again and again, taking his blows as they came. Then on a

sudden impulse I struck him lightly and as we clinched, I whispered, “Fake

like I knocked you out, you can have the prize.”

“I’ll break your behind,” he whispered hoarsely.

“For them?”

“For me, sonofabitch!”

They were yelling for us to break it up and Tatlock spun me half

around with a blow, and as a joggled camera sweeps in a reeling scene, I

saw the howling red faces crouching tense beneath the cloud of blue-gray

smoke. For a moment the world wavered, unraveled, flowed, then my head

cleared and Tatlock bounced before me. That fluttering shadow before my

eyes was his jabbing left hand. Then falling forward, my head against his

damp shoulder, I whispered,

“I’ll make it five dollars more.”

“Go to hell!”

But his muscles relaxed a trifle beneath my pressure and I breathed,

“Seven?”

“Give it to your ma,” he said, ripping me beneath the heart.

And while I still held him I butted him and moved away. I felt

myself bombarded with punches. I fought back with hopeless desperation. I

wanted to deliver my speech more than anything else in the world, felt that

only these men could judge truly my ability, and now this stupid clown was

ruining my chances. I began fighting carefully now, moving in to punch him

and out again with my greater speed. A lucky blow to his chin and I had

him going too — until I heard a loud voice yell, “I got my money on the big

boy.”

Hearing this, I almost dropped my guard. I was confused: Should I

try to win against the voice out there? Would not this go against my speech,

and was not this a moment for humility, for nonresistance? A blow to my

head as I danced about sent my right eye popping like a jack-in-the-box and

settled my dilemma. The room went red as I fell. It was a dream fall, my

body languid and fastidious as to where to land, until the floor became

impatient and smashed up to meet me. A moment later I came to. An

hypnotic voice said FIVE emphatically. And I lay there, hazily watching a

dark red spot of my own blood shaping itself into a butterfly, glistening and

soaking into the soiled gray world of the canvas.

When the voice drawled TEN I was lifted up and dragged to a chair.

I sat dazed. My eye pained and swelled with each throb of my pounding

heart and I wondered if now I would be allowed to speak. I was wringing

wet, my mouth still bleeding. We were grouped along the wall now. The other

boys ignored me as they congratulated Tatlock and speculated as to how

much they would be paid. One boy whimpered over his smashed hand.

Looking up front, I saw attendants in white jackets rolling the portable ring

away and placing a small square rug in the vacant space surrounded by

chairs. Perhaps, I thought, I will stand on the rug to deliver my speech.

Then the M.C. called to us, “Come on up here boys and get your

money.”

We ran forward to where the men laughed and talked in their chairs,

waiting. Everyone seemed friendly now.

“There it is on the rug,” the man said. I saw the rug covered with

coins of all dimensions and a few crumpled bills. But what excited me,

scattered here and there, were the gold pieces.

“Boys, it’s all yours,” the man said. “You get all you grab.”

“That’s right, Sambo,” a blond man said, winking at me

confidentially.

I trembled with excitement, forgetting my pain. I would get the gold

and the bills, I thought. I would use both hands. I would throw my body

against the boys nearest me to block them from the gold.

“Get down around the rug now,” the man commanded, “and don’t

anyone touch it until I give the signal.”

“This ought to be good,” I heard.

As told, we got around the square rug on our knees. Slowly the man

raised his freckled hand as we followed it upward with our eyes.

I heard, “These niggers look like they’re about to pray!”

Then, “Ready,” the man said. “Go!”

I lunged for a yellow coin lying on the blue design of the carpet,

touching it and sending a surprised shriek to join those rising around me. I

tried frantically to remove my hand but could not let go. A hot, violent force

tore through my body, shaking me like a wet rat. The rug was electrified. The

hair bristled up on my head as I shook myself free. My muscles jumped, my

nerves jangled, writhed. But I saw that this was not stopping the other boys.

Laughing in fear and embarrassment, some were holding back and scooping

up the coins knocked off by the painful contortions of the others. The men

roared above us as we struggled.

“Pick it up, goddamnit, pick it up!” someone called like a bass-voiced

parrot. “Go on, get it!”

I crawled rapidly around the floor, picking up the coins, trying to

avoid the coppers and to get greenbacks and the gold. Ignoring the shock by

laughing, as I brushed the coins off quickly, I discovered that I could contain

the electricity — a contradiction, but it works. Then the men began to push

us onto the rug. Laughing embarrassedly, we struggled out of their hands and

kept after the coins. We were all wet and slippery and hard to hold.

Suddenly I saw a boy lifted into the air, glistening with sweat like a circus

seal, and dropped, his wet back landing flush upon the charged rug, heard

him yell and saw him literally dance upon his back, elbows beating a frenzied

tattoo upon the floor, his muscles twitching like the flesh of a horse stung

my many flies. When he finally rolled off, his face was gray and no one

stopped him when he ran from the floor amid booming laughter.

“Get the money,” the M.C. called. “That’s good hard American cash!”

And we snatched and grabbed, snatched and grabbed. I was careful

not to come too close to the rug now, and when I felt the hot whiskey

breath descend upon me like a cloud of foul air I reached out and grabbed

the leg of a chair. It was occupied and I held on desperately.

“Leggo, nigger! Leggo!”

The huge face wavered down to mine as he tried to push me free.

But my body was slippery and he was too drunk. It was Mr. Colcord, who

owned a chain of movie houses and “entertainment palaces.” Each time he

grabbed me I slipped out of his hands. It became a real struggle. I feared the

rug more than I did the drunk, so I held on, surprising myself for a moment

by trying to topple him upon the rug. It was such an enormous idea that I

found myself actually carrying it out. I tried not to be obvious, yet when I

grabbed his leg, trying to tumble him out of the chair, he raised up roaring

with laughter, and, looking at me with soberness dead in the eye, kicked me

viciously in the chest. The chair leg flew out of my hand and I felt myself

going and rolled. It was as though I had rolled through a bed of hot coals. It

seemed a whole century would pass before I would roll free, a century in

which I was seared through the deepest levels of my body to the fearful

breath within me and the breath seared and heated to the point of explosion.

It’ll all be over in a flash, I thought as I rolled clear. It’ll all be over in a

flash.

But not yet, the men on the other side were waiting, red faces

swollen as though from apoplexy as they bent forward in their chairs. Seeing

their fingers coming toward me I rolled away as a fumbled football rolls off

the receiver’s fingertips, back into the coals. That time I luckily sent the rug

sliding out of place and heard the coins ringing against the floor and the

boys scuffling to pick them up and the M.C. calling, “All right, boys, that’s

all. Go get dressed and get your money.”

I was limp as a dish rag. My back felt as though it had been beaten

with wires.

When we had dressed the M.C. came in and gave us each five

dollars, except Tatlock, who got ten for being last in the ring. Then he told

us to leave. I was not to get a chance to deliver my speech, I thought. I was

going out into the dim alley in despair when I was stopped and told to go

back. I returned to the ballroom, where the men were pushing back their

chairs and gathering in groups to talk.

The M.C. knocked on a table for quiet. “Gentlemen,” he said, “we

almost forgot an important part of the program. A most serious part,

gentlemen. This boy was brought here to deliver a speech which he made at

his graduation yesterday . . .”

“Bravo!”

“I’m told that he is the smartest boy we’ve got out there in

Greenwood. I’m told that he knows more big words than a pocket-sized

dictionary.”

Much applause and laughter.

“So now, gentlemen, I want you to give him your attention.”

There was still laughter as I faced them, my mouth dry, my eye

throbbing. I began slowly, but evidently my throat was tense, because they

began shouting, “Louder! Louder!”

“We of the younger generation extol the wisdom of that great leader

and educator,” I shouted, “who first spoke these flaming words of wisdom: ‘A

ship lost at sea for many days suddenly sighted a friendly vessel. From the

mast of the unfortunate vessel was seen a signal: “Water, water; we die of

thirst!” The answer from the friendly vessel came back: “Cast down your

bucket where you are.” The captain of the distressed vessel, at last heeding

the injunction, cast down his bucket, and it came up full of fresh sparkling

water from the mouth of the Amazon River.’ And like him I say, and in his

words, ‘To those of my race who depend upon bettering their condition in a

foreign land, or who underestimate the importance of cultivating friendly

relations with the Southern white man, who is his next-door neighbor, I

would say: “Cast down your bucket where you are” — cast it down in making

friends in every manly way of the people of all races by whom we are

surrounded . . .’ ”

I spoke automatically and with such fervor that I did not realize that

the men were still talking and laughing until my dry mouth, filling up with

blood from the cut, almost strangled me. I coughed, wanting to stop and go

to one of the tall brass, sand-filled spittoons to relieve myself, but a few of

the men, especially the superintendent, were listening and I was afraid. So I

gulped it down, blood, saliva and all, and continued. (What powers of

endurance I had during those days! What enthusiasm! What a belief in the

rightness of things!) I spoke even louder in spite of the pain. But still they

talked and still they laughed, as though deaf with cotton in dirty ears. So I

spoke with greater emotional emphasis. I closed my ears and swallowed blood

until I was nauseated. The speech seemed a hundred times as long as before,

but I could not leave out a single word. All had to be said, each memorized

nuance considered, rendered. Nor was that all. Whenever I uttered a word of

three or more syllables a group of voices would yell for me to repeat it. I

used the phrase “social responsibility” and they yelled:

“What’s that word you say, boy?”

“Social responsibility,” I said.

“What?”

“Social . . .”

“Louder.”

“. . . responsibility.”

“More!”

“Respon –”

“Repeat!”

“– sibility.”

The room filled with the uproar of laughter until, no doubt,

distracted by having to gulp down my blood, I made a mistake and yelled a

phrase I had often seen denounced in newspaper editorials, heard debated in

private.

“Social . . .”

“What?” they yelled.

“. . . equality –”

The laughter hung smokelike in the sudden stillness. I opened my

eyes, puzzled. Sounds of displeasure filled the room. The M.C. rushed forward.

They shouted hostile phrases at me. But I did not understand.

A small dry mustached man in the front row blared out, “Say that

slowly, son!”

“What sir?”

“What you just said!”

“Social responsibility, sir,” I said.

“You weren’t being smart, were you, boy?” he said, not unkindly.

“No, sir!”

“You sure that about ‘equality’ was a mistake?”

“Oh, yes, sir,” I said. “I was swallowing blood.”

“Well, you had better speak more slowly so we can understand. We

mean to do right by you, but you’ve got to know your place at all times. All

right, now, go on with your speech.”

I was afraid. I wanted to leave but I wanted also to speak and I was

afraid they’d snatch me down.

“Thank you, sir,” I said, beginning where I had left off, and having

them ignore me as before.

Yet when I finished there was a thunderous applause. I was surprised

to see the superintendent come forth with a package wrapped in white tissue

paper, and, gesturing for quiet, address the men.

“Gentlemen, you see that I did not overpraise this boy. He makes a

good speech and some day he’ll lead his people in the proper paths. And I

don’t have to tell you that that is important in these days and times. This is

a good, smart boy, and so to encourage him in the right direction, in the

name of the Board of Education I wish to present him a prize in the form of

this . . .”

He paused, removing the tissue paper and revealing a gleaming

calfskin brief case.

“. . . in the form of this first-class article from Shad Whitmore’s

shop.”

“Boy,” he said, addressing me, “take this prize and keep it well.

Consider it a badge of office. Prize it. Keep developing as you are and some

day it will be filled with important papers that will help shape the destiny of

your people.”

I was so moved that I could hardly express my thanks. A rope of

bloody saliva forming a shape like an undiscovered continent drooled upon

the leather and I wiped it quickly away. I felt an importance that I had never

dreamed.

“Open it and see what’s inside,” I was told.

My fingers a-tremble, I complied, smelling the fresh leather and

finding an official-looking document inside. It was a scholarship to the state

college for Negroes. My eyes filled with tears and I ran awkwardly off the

floor.

I was overjoyed; I did not even mind when I discovered that the

gold pieces I had scrambled for were brass pocket tokens advertising a certain

make of automobile.

When I reached home everyone was excited. Next day the neighbors

came to congratulate me. I even felt safe from grandfather, whose deathbed

curse usually spoiled my triumphs. I stood beneath his photograph with my

brief case in hand and smiled triumphantly into his stolid black peasant’s

face. It was a face that fascinated me. The eyes seemed to follow everywhere

I went.

That night I dreamed I was at a circus with him and that he refused

to laugh at the clowns no matter what they did. Then later he told me to

open my brief case and read what was inside and I did, finding an official

envelope stamped with the state seal; and inside the envelope I found another

and another, endlessly, and I thought I would fall of weariness. “Them’s

years,” he said. “Now open that one.” And I did and in it I found an

engraved document containing a short message in letters of gold. “Read it,”

my grandfather said. “Out loud.”

“To Whom It May Concern,” I intoned. “Keep This Nigger-Boy

Running.”

I awoke with the old man’s laughter ringing in my ears.

(It was a dream I was to remember and dream again for many years

after. But at that time I had no insight into its meaning. First I had to

attend college.)

Chapter 2

It was a beautiful college. The buildings were old and covered with

vines and the roads gracefully winding, lined with hedges and wild roses that

dazzled the eyes in the summer sun. Honeysuckle and purple wisteria hung

heavy from the trees and white magnolias mixed with their scents in the

bee-humming air. I’ve recalled it often, here in my hole: How the grass

turned green in the springtime and how the mocking birds fluttered their tails

and sang, how the moon shone down on the buildings, how the bell in the

chapel tower rang out the precious short-lived hours; how the girls in bright

summer dresses promenaded the grassy lawn. Many times, here at night, I’ve

closed my eyes and walked along the forbidden road that winds past the girls’

dormitories, past the hall with the clock in the tower, its windows warmly

aglow, on down past the small white Home Economics practice cottage, whiter

still in the moonlight, and on down the road with its sloping and turning,

paralleling the black powerhouse with its engines droning earth-shaking

rhythms in the dark, its windows red from the glow of the furnace, on to

where the road became a bridge over a dry riverbed, tangled with brush and

clinging vines; the bridge of rustic logs, made for trysting, but virginal and

untested by lovers; on up the road, past the buildings, with the southern

verandas half-a-city-block long, to the sudden forking, barren of buildings,

birds, or grass, where the road turned off to the insane asylum.

I always come this far and open my eyes. The spell breaks and I try

to re-see the rabbits, so tame through having never been hunted, that played

in the hedges and along the road. And I see the purple and silver of thistle

growing between the broken glass and sunheated stones, the ants moving

nervously in single file, and I turn and retrace my steps and come back to

the winding road past the hospital, where at night in certain wards the gay

student nurses dispensed a far more precious thing than pills to lucky boys in

the know; and I come to a stop at the chapel. And then it is suddenly

winter, with the moon high above and the chimes in the steeple ringing and

a sonorous choir of trombones rendering a Christmas carol; and over all is a

quietness and an ache as though all the world were loneliness. And I stand

and listen beneath the high-hung moon, hearing “A Mighty Fortress Is Our

God,” majestically mellow on four trombones, and then the organ. The sound

floats over all, clear like the night, liquid, serene, and lonely. And I stand as

for an answer and see in my mind’s eye the cabins surrounded by empty

fields beyond red clay roads, and beyond a certain road a river, sluggish and

covered with algae more yellow than green in its stagnant stillness; past more

empty fields, to the sun-shrunk shacks at the railroad crossing where the

disabled veterans visited the whores, hobbling down the tracks on crutches

and canes; sometimes pushing the legless, thighless one in a red wheelchair.

And sometimes I listen to hear if music reaches that far, but recall only the

drunken laughter of sad, sad whores. And I stand in the circle where three

roads converge near the statue, where we drilled four-abreast down the

smooth asphalt and pivoted and entered the chapel on Sundays, our uniforms

pressed, shoes shined, minds laced up, eyes blind like those of robots to

visitors and officials on the low, whitewashed reviewing stand.

It’s so long ago and far away that here in my invisibility I wonder if

it happened at all. Then in my mind’s eye I see the bronze statue of the

college Founder, the cold Father symbol, his hands outstretched in the

breathtaking gesture of lifting a veil that flutters in hard, metallic folds above

the face of a kneeling slave; and I am standing puzzled, unable to decide

whether the veil is really being lifted, or lowered more firmly in place;

whether I am witnessing a revelation or a more efficient blinding. And as I

gaze, there is a rustle of wings and I see a flock of starlings flighting before

me and, when I look again, the bronze face, whose empty eyes look upon a

world I have never seen, runs with liquid chalk — creating another ambiguity

to puzzle my groping mind: Why is a bird-soiled statue more commanding

than one that is clean?

Oh, long green stretch of campus, Oh, quiet songs at dusk, Oh, moon

that kissed the steeple and flooded the perfumed nights, Oh, bugle that called

in the morning, Oh, drum that marched us militarily at noon — what was

real, what solid, what more than a pleasant, time-killing dream? For how

could it have been real if now I am invisible? If real, why is it that I can

recall in all that island of greenness no fountain but one that was broken,

corroded and dry? And why does no rain fall through my recollections, sound

through my memories, soak through the hard dry crust of the still so recent

past? Why do I recall, instead of the odor of seed bursting in springtime,

only the yellow contents of the cistern spread over the lawn’s dead grass?

Why? And how? How and why?

The grass did grow and the green leaves appeared on the trees and

filled the avenues with shadow and shade as sure as the millionaires

descended from the North on Founders’ Day each spring. And how they

arrived! Came smiling, inspecting, encouraging, conversing in whispers,

speechmaking into the wide-open ears of our black and yellow faces — and

each leaving a sizeable check as he departed. I’m convinced it was the

product of a subtle magic, the alchemy of moonlight; the school a

flower-studded wasteland, the rocks sunken, the dry winds hidden, the lost

crickets chirping to yellow butterflies.

And oh, oh, oh, those multimillionaires!

THEY were all such a part of that other life that’s dead that I can’t

remember them all. (Time was as I was, but neither that time nor that “I”

are any more.) But this one I remember: near the end of my junior year I

drove for him during the week he was on the campus. A face pink like St.

Nicholas’, topped with a shock of silk white hair. An easy, informal manner,

even with me. A Bostonian, smoker of cigars, teller of polite Negro stories,

shrewd banker, skilled scientist, director, philanthropist, forty years a bearer

of the white man’s burden, and for sixty a symbol of the Great Traditions.

We were driving, the powerful motor purring and filling me with

pride and anxiety. The car smelled of mints and cigar smoke. Students looked

up and smiled in recognition as we rolled slowly past. I had just come from

dinner and in bending forward to suppress a belch, I accidentally pressed the

button on the wheel and the belch became a loud and shattering blast of the

horn. Folks on the road turned and stared.

“I’m awfully sorry, sir,” I said, worried lest he report me to Dr.

Bledsoe, the president, who would refuse to allow me to drive again.

“Perfectly all right. Perfectly.”

“Where shall I drive you, sir?”

“Let me see . . .”

Through the rear-view mirror I could see him studying a wafer-thin

watch, replacing it in the pocket of his checked waistcoat. His shirt was soft

silk, set off with a blue-and-white polka-dotted bow tie. His manner was

aristocratic, his movements dapper and suave.

“It’s early to go in for the next session,” he said. “Suppose you just

drive. Anywhere you like.”

“Have you seen all the campus, sir?”

“Yes, I think so. I was one of the original founders, you know.”

“Gee! I didn’t know that, sir. Then I’ll have to try some of the

roads.”

Of course I knew he was a founder, but I knew also that it was

advantageous to flatter rich white folks. Perhaps he’d give me a large tip, or

a suit, or a scholarship next year.

“Anywhere else you like. The campus is part of my life and I know

my life rather well.”

“Yes, sir.”

He was still smiling.

In a moment the green campus with its vine-covered buildings was

behind us. The car bounded over the road. How was the campus part of his

life, I wondered. And how did one learn his life “rather well”?

“Young man, you’re part of a wonderful institution. It is a great

dream become reality . . .”

“Yes, sir,” I said.

“I feel as lucky to be connected with it as you no doubt do yourself.

I came here years ago, when all your beautiful campus was barren ground.

There were no trees, no flowers, no fertile farmland. That was years ago

before you were born . . .”

I listened with fascination, my eyes glued to the white line dividing

the highway as my thoughts attempted to sweep back to the times of which

he spoke.

“Even your parents were young. Slavery was just recently past. Your

people did not know in what direction to turn and, I must confess, many of

mine didn’t know in what direction they should turn either. But your great

Founder did. He was my friend and I believed in his vision. So much so,

that sometimes I don’t know whether it was his vision or mine . . .”

He chuckled softly, wrinkles forming at the corners of his eyes.

“But of course it was his; I only assisted. I came down with him to

see the barren land and did what I could to render assistance. And it has

been my pleasant fate to return each spring and observe the changes that the

years have wrought. That has been more pleasant and satisfying to me than

my own work. It has been a pleasant fate, indeed.”

His voice was mellow and loaded with more meaning than I could

fathom. As I drove, faded and yellowed pictures of the school’s early days

displayed in the library flashed across the screen of my mind, coming fitfully

and fragmentarily to life — photographs of men and women in wagons drawn

by mule teams and oxen, dressed in black, dusty clothing, people who seemed

almost without individuality, a black mob that seemed to be waiting, looking

with blank faces, and among them the inevitable collection of white men and

women in smiles, clear of features, striking, elegant and confident. Until now,

and although I could recognize the Founder and Dr. Bledsoe among them, the

figures in the photographs had never seemed actually to have been alive, but

were more like signs or symbols one found on the last pages of the

dictionary . . . But now I felt that I was sharing in a great work and, with

the car leaping leisurely beneath the pressure of my foot, I identified myself

with the rich man reminiscing on the rear seat . . .

“A pleasant fate,” he repeated, “and I hope yours will be as pleasant.”

“Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” I said, pleased that he wished something

pleasant for me.

But at the same time I was puzzled: How could anyone’s fate be

pleasant? I had always thought of it as something painful. No one I knew

spoke of it as pleasant — not even Woodridge, who made us read Greek

plays.

We were beyond the farthest extension of the school-owned lands

now and I suddenly decided to turn off the highway, down a road that

seemed unfamiliar. There were no trees and the air was brilliant. Far down

the road the sun glared cruelly against a tin sign nailed to a barn. A lone

figure bending over a hoe on the hillside raised up wearily and waved, more

a shadow against the skyline than a man.

“How far have we come?” I heard over my shoulder.

“Just about a mile, sir.”

“I don’t remember this section,” he said.

I didn’t answer. I was thinking of the first person who’d mentioned

anything like fate in my presence, my grandfather. There had been nothing

pleasant about it and I had tried to forget it. Now, riding here in the

powerful car with this white man who was so pleased with what he called his

fate, I felt a sense of dread. My grandfather would have called this treachery

and I could not understand in just what way it was. Suddenly I grew guilty

at the realization that the white man might have thought so too. What would

he have thought? Did he know that Negroes like my grandfather had been

freed during those days just before the college had been founded?

As we came to a side road I saw a team of oxen hitched to a

broken-down wagon, the ragged driver dozing on the seat beneath the shade

of a clump of trees.

“Did you see that, sir?” I asked over my shoulder.

“What was it?”

“The ox team, sir.”

“Oh! No, I can’t see it for the trees,” he said looking back. “It’s good

timber.”

“I’m sorry, sir. Shall I turn back?”

“No, it isn’t much,” he said. “Go on.”

I drove on, remembering the lean, hungry face of the sleeping man.

He was the kind of white man I feared. The brown fields swept out to the

horizon. A flock of birds dipped down, circled, swung up and out as though

linked by invisible strings. Waves of heat danced above the engine hood. The

tires sang over the highway. Finally I overcame my timidity and asked him:

“Sir, why did you become interested in the school?”

“I think,” he said, thoughtfully, raising his voice, “it was because I

felt even as a young man that your people were somehow closely connected

with my destiny. Do you understand?”

“Not so clearly, sir,” I said, ashamed to admit it.

“You have studied Emerson, haven’t you?”

“Emerson, sir?”

“Ralph Waldo Emerson.”

I was embarrassed because I hadn’t. “Not yet, sir. We haven’t come

to him yet.”

“No?” he said with a note of surprise. “Well, never mind. I am a

New Englander, like Emerson. You must learn about him, for he was

important to your people. He had a hand in your destiny. Yes, perhaps that

is what I mean. I had a feeling that your people were somehow connected

with my destiny. That what happened to you was connected with what would

happen to me . . .”

I slowed the car, trying to understand. Through the glass I saw him

gazing at the long ash of his cigar, holding it delicately in his slender,

manicured fingers.

“Yes, you are my fate, young man. Only you can tell me what it

really is. Do you understand?”

“I think I do, sir.”

“I mean that upon you depends the outcome of the years I have

spent in helping your school. That has been my life’s work, not my banking

or my researches, but my first-hand organizing of human life.”

I saw him now, leaning toward the front seat, speaking with an

intensity which had not been there before. It was hard not to turn my eyes

from the highway and face him.

“There is another reason, a reason more important, more passionate

and, yes, even more sacred than all the others,” he said, no longer seeming

to see me, but speaking to himself alone. “Yes, even more sacred than all the

others. A girl, my daughter. She was a being more rare, more beautiful,

purer, more perfect and more delicate than the wildest dream of a poet. I

could never believe her to be my own flesh and blood. Her beauty was a

well-spring of purest water-of-life, and to look upon her was to drink and

drink and drink again . . . She was rare, a perfect creation, a work of purest

art. A delicate flower that bloomed in the liquid light of the moon. A nature

not of this world, a personality like that of some biblical maiden, gracious

and queenly. I found it difficult to believe her my own . . .”

Suddenly he fumbled in his vest pocket and thrust something over

the back of the seat, surprising me.

“Here, young man, you owe much of your good fortune in attending

such a school to her.”

I looked upon the tinted miniature framed in engraved platinum. I

almost dropped it. A young woman of delicate, dreamy features looked up at

me. She was very beautiful, I thought at the time, so beautiful that I did not

know whether I should express admiration to the extent I felt it or merely

act polite. And yet I seemed to remember her, or someone like her, in the

past. I know now that it was the flowing costume of soft, flimsy material that

made for the effect; today, dressed in one of the smart, well-tailored, angular,

sterile, streamlined, engine-turned, air-conditioned modern outfits you see in

the women’s magazines, she would appear as ordinary as an expensive piece

of machine-tooled jewelry and just as lifeless. Then, however, I shared

something of his enthusiasm.

“She was too pure for life,” he said sadly; “too pure and too good

and too beautiful. We were sailing together, touring the world, just she and I,

when she became ill in Italy. I thought little of it at the time and we

continued across the Alps. When we reached Munich she was already fading

away. While we were attending an embassy party she collapsed. The best

medical science in the world could not save her. It was a lonely return, a

bitter voyage. I have never recovered. I have never forgiven myself. Everything

I’ve done since her passing has been a monument to her memory.”

He became silent, looking with his blue eyes far beyond the field

stretching away in the sun. I returned the miniature, wondering what in the

world had made him open his heart to me. That was something I never did;

it was dangerous. First, it was dangerous if you felt like that about anything,

because then you’d never get it or something or someone would take it away

from you; then it was dangerous because nobody would understand you and

they’d only laugh and think you were crazy.

“So you see, young man, you are involved in my life quite intimately,

even though you’ve never seen me before. You are bound to a great dream

and to a beautiful monument. If you become a good farmer, a chef, a

preacher, doctor, singer, mechanic — whatever you become, and even if you

fail, you are my fate. And you must write me and tell me the outcome.”

I was relieved to see him smiling through the mirror. My feelings

were mixed. Was he kidding me? Was he talking to me like someone in a

book just to see how I would take it? Or could it be, I was almost afraid to

think, that this rich man was just the tiniest bit crazy? How could I tell him

his fate? He raised his head and our eyes met for an instant in the glass,

then I lowered mine to the blazing white line that divided the highway.

The trees along the road were thick and tall. We took a curve. Flocks

of quail sailed up and over a field, brown, brown, sailing down, blending.

“Will you promise to tell me my fate?” I heard.

“Sir?”

“Will you?”

“Right now, sir?” I asked with embarrassment.

“It is up to you. Now, if you like.”

I was silent. His voice was serious, demanding. I could think of no

reply. The motor purred. An insect crushed itself against the windshield,

leaving a yellow, mucous smear.

“I don’t know now, sir. This is only my junior year . . .”

“But you’ll tell me when you know?”

“I’ll try, sir.”

“Good.”

When I took a quick glance into the mirror he was smiling again. I

wanted to ask him if being rich and famous and helping to direct the school

to become what it was, wasn’t enough; but I was afraid.

“What do you think of my idea, young man?” he said.

“I don’t know, sir. I only think that you have what you’re looking

for. Because if I fail or leave school, it doesn’t seem to me it would be your

fault. Because you helped make the school what it is.”

“And you think that enough?”

“Yes, sir. That’s what the president tells us. You have yours, and you

got it yourself, and we have to lift ourselves up the same way.”

“But that’s only part of it, young man. I have wealth and a

reputation and prestige — all that is true. But your great Founder had more

than that, he had tens of thousands of lives dependent upon his ideas and

upon his actions. What he did affected your whole race. In a way, he had the

power of a king, or in a sense, of a god. That, I’ve come to believe, is more

important than my own work, because more depends upon you. You are

important because if you fail I have failed by one individual, one defective

cog; it didn’t matter so much before, but now I’m growing old and it has

become very important . . .”

But you don’t even know my name, I thought, wondering what it was

all about.

“. . . I suppose it is difficult for you to understand how this concerns

me. But as you develop you must remember that I am dependent upon you

to learn my fate. Through you and your fellow students I become, let us say,

three hundred teachers, seven hundred trained mechanics, eight hundred

skilled farmers, and so on. That way I can observe in terms of living

personalities to what extent my money, my time and my hopes have been

fruitfully invested. I also construct a living memorial to my daughter.

Understand? I can see the fruits produced by the land that your great

Founder has transformed from barren clay to fertile soil.”

His voice ceased and I saw the strands of pale blue smoke drifting

across the mirror and heard the electric lighter snap back on its cable into

place behind the back of the seat.

“I think I understand you better, now, sir,” I said.

“Very good, my boy.”

“Shall I continue in this direction, sir?”

“By all means,” he said, looking out at the countryside. “I’ve never

seen this section before. It’s new territory for me.”

Half-consciously I followed the white line as I drove, thinking about

what he had said. Then as we took a hill we were swept by a wave of

scorching air and it was as though we were approaching a desert. It almost

took my breath away and I leaned over and switched on the fan, hearing its

sudden whirr.

“Thank you,” he said as a slight breeze filled the car.

We were passing a collection of shacks and log cabins now, bleached

white and warped by the weather. Sun-tortured shingles lay on the roofs like

decks of water-soaked cards spread out to dry. The houses consisted of two

square rooms joined together by a common floor and roof with a porch in

between. As we passed we could look through to the fields beyond. I stopped

the car at his excited command in front of a house set off from the rest.

“Is that a log cabin?”

It was an old cabin with its chinks filled with chalk-white clay, with

bright new shingles patching its roof. Suddenly I was sorry that I had

blundered down this road. I recognized the place as soon as I saw the group

of children in stiff new overalls who played near a rickety fence.

“Yes, sir. It is a log cabin,” I said.

It was the cabin of Jim Trueblood, a sharecropper who had brought

disgrace upon the black community. Several months before he had caused

quite a bit of outrage up at the school, and now his name was never

mentioned above a whisper. Even before that he had seldom come near the

campus but had been well liked as a hard worker who took good care of his

family’s needs, and as one who told the old stories with a sense of humor

and a magic that made them come alive. He was also a good tenor singer,

and sometimes when special white guests visited the school he was brought

up along with the members of a country quartet to sing what the officials

called “their primitive spirituals” when we assembled in the chapel on Sunday

evenings. We were embarrassed by the earthy harmonies they sang, but since

the visitors were awed we dared not laugh at the crude, high, plaintively

animal sounds Jim Trueblood made as he led the quartet. That had all

passed now with his disgrace, and what on the part of the school officials

had been an attitude of contempt blunted by tolerance, had now become a

contempt sharpened by hate. I didn’t understand in those pre-invisible days

that their hate, and mine too, was charged with fear. How all of us at the

college hated the black-belt people, the “peasants,” during those days! We

were trying to lift them up and they, like Trueblood, did everything it seemed

to pull us down.

“It appears quite old,” Mr. Norton said, looking across the bare, hard

stretch of yard where two women dressed in new blue-and-white checked

ginghams were washing clothes in an iron pot. The pot was soot-black and

the feeble flames that licked its sides showed pale pink and bordered with

black, like flames in mourning. Both women moved with the weary,

full-fronted motions of far-gone pregnancy.

“It is, sir,” I said. “That one and the other two like it were built

during slavery times.”

“You don’t say! I would never have believed that they were so

enduring. Since slavery times!”

“That’s true, sir. And the white family that owned the land when it

was a big plantation still lives in town.”

“Yes,” he said, “I know that many of the old families still survive.

And individuals too, the human stock goes on, even though it degenerates.

But these cabinsl” He seemed surprised and confounded.

“Do you suppose those women know anything about the age and

history of the place? The older one looks as though she might.”

“I doubt it, sir. They — they don’t seem very bright.”

“Bright?” he said, removing his cigar. “You mean that they wouldn’t

talk with me?” he asked suspiciously.

“Yes, sir. That’s it.”

“Why not?”

I didn’t want to explain. It made me feel ashamed, but he sensed

that I knew something and pressed me.

“It’s not very nice, sir. But I don’t think those women would talk to

us.”

“We can explain that we’re from the school. Surely they’ll talk then.

You may tell them who I am.”

“Yes, sir,” I said, “but they hate us up at the school. They never

come there . . .”

“What!”

“No, sir.”

“And those children along the fence down there?”

“They don’t either, sir.”

“But why?”

“I don’t really know, sir. Quite a few folks out this way don’t,

though. I guess they’re too ignorant. They’re not interested.”

“But I can’t believe it.”

The children had stopped playing and now looked silently at the car,

their arms behind their backs and their new over-sized overalls pulled tight

over their little pot bellies as though they too were pregnant.

“What about their men folk?”

I hesitated. Why did he find this so strange?

“He hates us, sir,” I said.

“You say he; aren’t both the women married?”

I caught my breath. I’d made a mistake. “The old one is, sir,” I said

reluctantly.

“What happened to the young woman’s husband?”

“She doesn’t have any — That is . . . I –”

“What is it, young man? Do you know these people?”

“Only a little, sir. There was some talk about them up on the

campus a while back.”

“What talk?”

“Well, the young woman is the old woman’s daughter . . .”

“And?”

“Well, sir, they say . . . you see . . . I mean they say the daughter

doesn’t have a husband.”

“Oh, I see. But that shouldn’t be so strange. I understand that your

people — Never mind! Is that all?”

“Well, sir . . .”

“Yes, what else?”

“They say that her father did it.”

“What!”

“Yes, sir . . . that he gave her the baby.”

I heard the sharp intake of breath, like a toy balloon suddenly

deflated. His face reddened. I was confused, feeling shame for the two women

and fear that I had talked too much and offended his sensibilities.

“And did anyone from the school investigate this matter?” he asked

at last.

“Yes, sir,” I said.

“What was discovered?”

“That it was true — they say.”

“But how does he explain his doing such a — a — such a monstrous

thing?”

He sat back in the seat, his hands grasping his knees, his knuckles

bloodless. I looked away, down the heat-dazzling concrete of the highway. I

wished we were back on the other side of the white line, heading back to the

quiet green stretch of the campus.

“It is said that the man took both his wife and his daughter?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And that he is the father of both their children?”

“Yes, sir.”

“No, no, no!”

He sounded as though he were in great pain. I looked at him

anxiously. What had happened? What had I said?

“Not that! No . . .” he said, with something like horror.

I saw the sun blaze upon the new blue overalls as the man appeared

around the cabin. His shoes were tan and new and he moved easily over the

hot earth. He was a small man and he covered the yard with a familiarity

that would have allowed him to walk in the blackest darkness with the same

certainty. He came and said something to the women as he fanned himself

with a blue bandanna handkerchief. But they appeared to regard him sullenly,

barely speaking, and hardly looking in his direction.

“Would that be the man?” Mr. Norton asked.

“Yes, sir. I think so.”

“Get out!” he cried. “I must talk with him.”

I was unable to move. I felt surprise and a dread and resentment of

what he might say to Trueblood and his women, the questions he might ask.

Why couldn’t he leave them alone!

“Hurry!”

I climbed from the car and opened the rear door. He clambered out

and almost ran across the road to the yard, as though compelled by some

pressing urgency which I could not understand. Then suddenly I saw the two

women turn and run frantically behind the house, their movements heavy and

flatfooted. I hurried behind him, seeing him stop when he reached the man

and the children. They became silent, their faces clouding over, their features

becoming soft and negative, their eyes bland and deceptive. They were

crouching behind their eyes waiting for him to speak — just as I recognized

that I was trembling behind my own. Up close I saw what I had not seen

from the car: The man had a scar on his right cheek, as though he had been

hit in the face with a sledge. The wound was raw and moist and from time

to time he lifted his handkerchief to fan away the gnats.

“I, I –” Mr. Norton stammered, “I must talk with you!”

“All right, suh,” Jim Trueblood said without surprise and waited.

“Is it true . . . I mean did you?”

“Suh?” Trueblood asked, as I looked away.

“You have survived,” he blurted. “But is it true . . .?”

“Suh?” the farmer said, his brow wrinkling with bewilderment.

“I’m sorry, sir,” I said, “but I don’t think he understands you.”

He ignored me, staring into Trueblood’s face as though reading a

message there which I could not perceive.

“You did and are unharmed!” he shouted, his blue eyes blazing into

the black face with something like envy and indignation. Trueblood looked

helplessly at me. I looked away. I understood no more than he.

“You have looked upon chaos and are not destroyed!”

“No suh! I feels all right.”

“You do? You feel no inner turmoil, no need to cast out the

offending eye?”

“Suh?”

“Answer me!”

“I’m all right, suh,” Trueblood said uneasily. “My eyes is all right too.

And when I feels po’ly in my gut I takes a little soda and it goes away.”

“No, no, no! Let us go where there is shade,” he said, looking about

excitedly and going swiftly to where the porch cast a swath of shade. We

followed him. The farmer placed his hand on my shoulder, but I shook it off,

knowing that I could explain nothing. We sat on the porch in a semicircle in

camp chairs, me between the sharecropper and the millionaire. The earth

around the porch was hard and white from where wash water had long been

thrown.

“How are you faring now?” Mr. Norton asked. “Perhaps I could

help.”

“We ain’t doing so bad, suh. ‘Fore they heard ’bout what happen to

us out here I couldn’t git no help from nobody. Now lotta folks is curious

and goes outta they way to help. Even the biggity school folks up on the hill,

only there was a catch to it! They offered to send us clean outta the county,

pay our way and everything and give me a hundred dollars to git settled

with. But we likes it here so I told ’em No. Then they sent a fellow out here,

a big fellow too, and he said if I didn’t leave they was going to turn the

white folks loose on me. It made me mad and it made me scared. Them

folks up there to the school is in strong with the white folks and that scared

me. But I thought when they first come out here that they was different from

when I went up there a long time ago looking for some book learning and

some points on how to handle my crops. That was when I had my own

place. I thought they was trying to he’p me, on accounta I got two women

due to birth ’bout the same time.

“But I got mad when I found they was tryin’ to git rid of us ’cause

they said we was a disgrace. Yessuh, I got real mad. So I went down to see

Mr. Buchanan, the boss man, and I tole him ’bout it and he give me a note

to the sheriff and tole me to take it to him. I did that, jus’ like he tole me. I

went to the jailhouse and give Sheriff Barbour the note and he ask me to tell

him what happen, and I tole him and he called in some more men and they

made me tell it again. They wanted to hear about the gal lots of times and

they gimme somethin’ to eat and drink and some tobacco. Surprised me,

’cause I was scared and spectin’ somethin’ different. Why, I guess there ain’t

a colored man in the county who ever got to take so much of the white

folkses’ time as I did. So finally they tell me not to worry, that they was

going to send word up to the school that I was to stay right where I am.

Them big nigguhs didn’t bother me, neither. It just goes to show yuh that no

matter how biggity a nigguh gits, the white folks can always cut him down.

The white folks took up for me. And the white folks took to coming out here

to see us and talk with us. Some of ’em was big white folks, too, from the

big school way cross the State. Asked me lots ’bout what I thought ’bout

things, and ’bout my folks and the kids, and wrote it all down in a book. But

best of all, suh, I got more work now than I ever did have before . . .”

He talked willingly now, with a kind of satisfaction and no trace of

hesitancy or shame. The old man listened with a puzzled expression as he

held an unlit cigar in his delicate fingers.

“Things is pretty good now,” the farmer said. “Ever time I think of

how cold it was and what a hard time we was having I gits the shakes.”

I saw him bite into a plug of chewing tobacco. Something tinkled

against the porch and I picked it up, gazing at it from time to time. It was a

hard red apple stamped out of tin.

“You see, suh, it was cold and us didn’t have much fire. Nothin’ but

wood, no coal. I tried to git help but wouldn’t nobody help us and I couldn’t

find no work or nothin’. It was so cold all of us had to sleep together; me,

the ole lady and the gal. That’s how it started, suh.”

He cleared his throat, his eyes gleaming and his voice taking on a

deep, incantatory quality, as though he had told the story many, many times.

Flies and fine white gnats swarmed about his wound.

“That’s the way it was,” he said. “Me on one side and the ole lady

on the other and the gal in the middle. It was dark, plum black. Black as the

middle of a bucket of tar. The kids was sleeping all together in they bed over

in the corner. I must have been the last one to go to sleep, ’cause I was

thinking ’bout how to git some grub for the next day and ’bout the gal and

the young boy what was startin’ to hang ’round her. I didn’t like him and he

kept comin’ through my thoughts and I made up my mind to warn him away

from the gal. It was black dark and I heard one of the kids whimper in his

sleep and the last few sticks of kindlin’ crackin’ and settlin’ in the stove and

the smell of the fat meat seemed to git cold and still in the air just like

meat grease when it gits set in a cold plate of molasses. And I was thinkin’

’bout the gal and this boy and feelin’ her arms besides me and hearing the

ole lady snorin’ with a kinda moanin’ and a-groanin’ on the other side. I was

worryin’ ’bout my family, how they was goin’ to eat and all, and I thought

’bout when the gal was little like the younguns sleepin’ over in the corner

and how I was her favorite over the ole lady. There we was, breathin’

together in the dark. Only I could see ’em in my mind, knowin’ ’em like I

do. In my mind I looked at all of ’em, one by one. The gal looks just like

the ole lady did when she was young and I first met her, only better lookin’.

You know, we gittin’ to be a better-lookin’ race of people . . .

“Anyway, I could hear ’em breathin’ and though I hadn’t been it

made me sleepy. Then I heard the gal say, ‘Daddy,’ soft and low in her sleep

and I looked, tryin’ to see if she was still awake. But all I can do is smell

her and feel her breath on my hand when I go to touch her. She said it so

soft I couldn’t be sure I had heard anything, so I just laid there listenin’.

Seems like I heard a whippoorwill callin’, and I thought to myself, Go on

away from here, we’ll whip ole Will when we find him. Then I heard the

clock up there at the school strikin’ four times, lonesome like.

“Then I got to thinkin’ ’bout way back when I left the farm and went

to live in Mobile and ’bout a gal I had me then. I was young then — like

this young fellow here. Us lived in a two-story house ‘longside the river, and

at night in the summertime we used to lay in bed and talk, and after she’d

gone off to sleep I’d be awake lookin’ out at the lights comin’ up from the

water and listenin’ to the sounds of the boats movin’ along. They used to

have musicianers on them boats, and sometimes I used to wake her up to

hear the music when they come up the river. I’d be layin’ there and it would

be quiet and I could hear it comin’ from way, way off. Like when you quail

huntin’ and it’s getting dark and you can hear the boss bird whistlin’ tryin’ to

get the covey together again, and he’s coming toward you slow and whistlin’

soft, cause he knows you somewhere around with your gun. Still he got to

round them up, so he keeps on comin’. Them boss quails is like a good man,

what he got to do he do.

“Well, that’s the way the boats used to sound. Comin’ close to you

from far away. First one would be comin’ to you when you almost sleep and

it sounded like somebody hittin’ at you slow with a big shiny pick. You see

the pick-point comin’ straight at you, comin’ slow too, and you can’t dodge;

only when it goes to hit you it ain’t no pick a’tall but somebody far away

breakin’ little bottles of all kindsa colored glass. It’s still comin’ at you

though. Still comin’. Then you hear it close up, like when you up in the

second-story window and look down on a wagonful of watermelons, and you

see one of them young juicy melons split wide open a-layin’ all spread out

and cool and sweet on top of all the striped green ones like it’s waitin’ just

for you, so you can see how red and ripe and juicy it is and all the shiny

black seeds it’s got and all. And you could hear the sidewheels splashin’ like

they don’t want to wake nobody up; and us, me and the gal, would lay there

feelin’ like we was rich folks and them boys on the boats would be playin’

sweet as good peach brandy wine. Then the boats would be past and the

lights would be gone from the window and the music would be goin’ too.

Kinda like when you watch a gal in a red dress and a wide straw hat goin’

past you down a lane with the trees on both sides, and she’s plump and

juicy and kinda switchin’ her tail ’cause she knows you watchin’ and you

know she know, and you just stands there and watches ’til you can’t see

nothin’ but the top of her red hat and then that goes and you know she

done dropped behind a hill — I seen me a gal like that once. All I could

hear then would be that Mobile gal — name of Margaret — she be breathin’

beside me, and maybe ’bout that time she’d say, ‘Daddy, you still ‘wake?’ and

then I’d grunt, ‘Uhhuh’ and drop on off — Gent’mens,” Jim Trueblood said, “I

likes to recall them Mobile days.

“Well, it was like that when I heard Matty Lou say, ‘Daddy,’ and I

knowed she musta been dreamin’ ’bout somebody from the way she said it

and I gits mad wonderin’ if it’s that boy. I listen to her mumblin’ for a while

tryin’ to hear if she calls his name, but she don’t, and I remember that they

say if you put the hand of a person who’s talkin’ in his sleep in warm water

he’ll say it all, but the water is too cold and I wouldn’t have done it anyway.

But I’m realizin’ that she’s a woman now, when I feels her turn and squirm

against me and throw her arm across my neck, up where the cover didn’t

reach and I was cold. She said somethin’ I couldn’t understand, like a woman

says when she wants to tease and please a man. I knowed then she was

grown and I wondered how many times it’d done happened and was it that

doggone boy. I moved her arm and it was soft, but it didn’t wake her, so I

called her, but that didn’t wake her neither. Then I turned my back and tried

to move away, though there wasn’t much room and I could still feel her

touchin’ me, movin’ close to me. Then I musta dropped into the dream. I

have to tell you ’bout that dream.”

I looked at Mr. Norton and stood up, thinking that now was a good

time to leave; but he was listening to Trueblood so intensely he didn’t see

me, and I sat down again, cursing the farmer silently. To hell with his

dream!

“I don’t quite remember it all, but I remember that I was lookin’ for

some fat meat. I went to the white folks downtown and they said go see Mr.

Broadnax, that he’d give it to me. Well, he lives up on a hill and I was

climbin’ up there to see him. Seems like that was the highest hill in the

world. The more I climbed the farther away Mr. Broadnax’s house seems to

git. But finally I do reach there. And I’m so tired and restless to git to the

man, I goes through the front door! I knows it’s wrong, but I can’t help it. I

goes in and I’m standin’ in a big room full of lighted candles and shiny

furniture and pictures on the walls, and soft stuff on the floor. But I don’t

see a livin’ soul. So I calls his name, but still don’t nobody come and don’t

nobody answer. So I sees a door and goes through that door and I’m in a

big white bedroom, like I seen one time when I was a little ole boy and went

to the big house with my Ma. Everything in the room was white and I’m

standin’ there knowin’ I got no business in there, but there anyhow. It’s a

woman’s room too. I tries to git out, but I don’t find the door; and all

around me I can smell woman, can smell it gittin’ stronger all the time. Then

I looks over in a corner and sees one of them tall grandfather clocks and I

hears it strikin’ and the glass door is openin’ and a white lady is steppin’ out

of it. She got on a nightgown of soft white silky stuff and nothin’ else, and

she looks straight at me. I don’t know what to do. I wants to run, but the

only door I see is the one in the clock she’s standin’ in — and anyway, I

can’t move and this here clock is keepin’ up a heapa racket. It’s gittin’ faster

and faster all the time. I tries to say somethin’, but I caint. Then she starts

to screamin’ and I thinks I done gone deef, ’cause though I can see her

mouth working, I don’t hear nothin’. Yit I can still hear the clock and I tries

to tell her I’m just lookin’ for Mr. Broadnax but she don’t hear me. Instead

she runs up and grabs me around the neck and holds tight, tryin’ to keep me

out of the clock. I don’t know what to do then, sho ‘nough. I tries to talk to

her, and I tries to git away. But she’s holdin’ me and I’m scared to touch her

cause she’s white. Then I gits so scared that I throws her on the bed and

tries to break her holt. That woman just seemed to sink outta sight, that

there bed was so soft. It’s sinkin’ down so far I think it’s going to smother

both of us. Then swoosh! all of a sudden a flock of little white geese flies out

of the bed like they say you see when you go to dig for buried money. Lawd!

they hadn’t no more’n disappeared than I heard a door open and Mr.

Broadnax’s voice said, ‘They just nigguhs, leave ’em do it.’ ”

How can he tell this to white men, I thought, when he knows they’ll

say that all Negroes do such things? I looked at the floor, a red mist of

anguish before my eyes.

“And I caint stop — although I got a feelin’ somethin’ is wrong. I git

loose from the woman now and I’m runnin’ for the clock. At first I couldn’t

git the door open, it had some kinda crinkly stuff like steel wool on the

facing. But I gits it open and gits inside and it’s hot and dark in there. I

goes up a dark tunnel, up near where the machinery is making all that noise

and heat. It’s like the power plant they got up to the school. It’s burnin’ hot

as iffen the house was caught on fire, and I starts to runnin’, try-in’ to git

out. I runs and runs till I should be tired but ain’t tired but feelin’ more

rested as I runs, and runnin’ so good it’s like flyin’ and I’m flyin’ and sailin’

and floatin’ right up over the town. Only I’m still in the tunnel. Then way up

ahead I sees a bright light like a jack-o-lantern over a graveyard. It gits

brighter and brighter and I know I got to catch up with it or else. Then all

at once I was right up with it and it burst like a great big electric light in

my eyes and scalded me all over. Only it wasn’t a scald, but like I was

drownin’ in a lake where the water was hot on the top and had cold numbin’

currents down under it. Then all at once I’m through it and I’m relieved to

be out and in the cool daylight agin.

“I wakes up intendin’ to tell the ole lady ’bout my crazy dream.

Morning done come, and it’s gettin’ almost light. And there I am, lookin’

straight in Matty Lou’s face and she’s beatin’ me and scratchin’ and tremblin’

and shakin’ and cryin’ all at the same time like she’s havin’ a fit. I’m too

surprised to move. She’s cryin’, ‘Daddy, Daddy, oh Daddy,’ just like that. And

all at once I remember the ole lady. She’s right beside us snorin’ and I can’t

move ’cause I figgers if I moved it would be a sin And I figgers too, that if I

don’t move it maybe ain’t no sin, ’cause it happened when I was asleep —

although maybe sometimes a man can look at a little ole pigtail gal and see

him a whore — you’all know that? Anyway, I realizes that if I don’t move the

ole lady will see me. I don’t want that to happen. That would be worse than

sin. I’m whisperin’ to Matty Lou, tryin’ to keep her quiet and I’m figurin’ how

to git myself out of the fix I’m in without sinnin’. I almost chokes her.

“But once a man gits hisself in a tight spot like that there ain’t much

he can do. It ain’t up to him no longer. There I was, tryin’ to git away with

all my might, yet having to move without movin’. I flew in but I had to walk

out. I had to move without movin’. I done thought ’bout it since a heap, and

when you think right hard you see that that’s the way things is always been

with me. That’s just about been my life. There was only one way I can figger

that I could git out: that was with a knife. But I didn’t have no knife, and if

you’all ever seen them geld them young boar pigs in the fall, you know I

knowed that that was too much to pay to keep from sinnin’. Everything was

happenin’ inside of me like a fight was goin’ on. Then just the very thought

of the fix I’m in puts the iron back in me.

“Then if that ain’t bad enough, Matty Lou can’t hold out no longer

and gits to movin’ herself. First she was tryin’ to push me away and I’m

tryin’ to hold her down to keep from sinnin’. Then I’m pullin’ away and

shushin’ her to be quiet so’s not to wake her Ma, when she grabs holt to me

and holds tight. She didn’t want me to go then — and to tell the

honest-to-God truth I found out that I didn’t want to go neither. I guess I

felt then, at that time — and although I been sorry since — just ’bout like

that fellow did down in Birmingham. That one what locked hisself in his

house and shot at them police until they set fire to the house and burned

him up. I was lost. The more wringlin’ and twistin’ we done tryin’ to git

away, the more we wanted to stay. So like that fellow, I stayed, I had to

fight it on out to the end. He mighta died, but I suspects now that he got a

heapa satisfaction before he went. I know there ain’t nothin’ like what I went

through, I caint tell how it was. It’s like when a real drinkin’ man gits drunk,

or when a real sanctified religious woman gits so worked up she jumps outta

her clothes, or when a real gamblin’ man keeps on gamblin’ when he’s losin’.

You got holt to it and you caint let go even though you want to.”

“Mr. Norton, sir,” I said in a choked voice, “it’s time we were getting

back to the campus. You’ll miss your appointments . . .”

He didn’t even look at me. “Please,” he said, waving his hand in

annoyance.

Trueblood seemed to smile at me behind his eyes as he looked from

the white man to me and continued.

“I couldn’t even let go when I heard Kate scream. It was a scream to

make your blood run cold. It sounds like a woman who was watchin’ a team

of wild horses run down her baby chile and she caint move. Kate’s hair is

standin’ up like she done seen a ghost, her gown is hanging open and the

veins in her neck is ’bout to bust. And her eyes! Lawd, them eyes. I’m lookin’

up at her from where I’m layin’ on the pallet with Matty Lou, and I’m too

weak to move. She screams and starts to pickin’ up the first thing that comes

to her hand and throwin’ it. Some of them misses me and some of them hits

me. Little things and big things. Somethin’ cold and strong-stinkin’ hits me

and wets me and bangs against my head. Somethin’ hits the wall —

boom-a-loom-a-loom! — like a cannon ball, and I tries to cover up my head.

Kate’s talkin’ the unknown tongue, like a wild woman.

” ‘Wait a minit, Kate,’ I says. ‘Stop it!’

“Then I hears her stop a second and I hears her runnin’ across the

floor, and I twists and looks and Lawd, she done got my double-barrel

shotgun!

“And while she’s foamin’ at the mouth and cockin’ the gun, she gits

her speech.

” ‘Git up! Git up!’ she says.

” ‘HEY! NAW! KATE!’ I says.

” ‘Goddam yo’ soul to hell! Git up offa my chile!’

” ‘But woman, Kate, lissen . . .’

” ‘Don’t talk, MOVE!’

” ‘Down that thing, Kate!’

” ‘No down, UP!’

” ‘That there’s buckshot, woman, BUCKshot!’

” ‘Yes, it is!’

” ‘Down it, I say!”

” ‘I’m gon blast your soul to hell!’

” ‘You gon hit Matty Lou!’

” ‘Not Matty Lou — YOU!’

” ‘It spreads, Kate. Matty Lou!’

“She moves around, aimin’ at me.

” ‘I done warn you, Jim . . .’

” ‘Kate, it was a dream. Lissen to me . . .’

” ‘You the one who lissen — UP FROM THERE!’

“She jerks the gun and I shuts my eyes. But insteada thunder and

lightin’ bustin’ me, I hears Matty Lou scream in my ear,

” ‘Mamma! Oooooo, MAMA!’

“I rolls almost over then and Kate hesitates. She looks at the gun,

and she looks at us, and she shivers a minit like she got the fever. Then all

at once she drops the gun, and ZIP! quick as a cat, she turns and grabs

somethin’ off the stove. It catches me like somebody diggin’ into my side with

a sharp spade. I caint breathe. She’s throwin’ and talkin’ all at the same time.

“And when I looks up, Maan, Maaan! she’s got a iron in her hand!

“I hollers, ‘No blood, Kate. Don’t spill no blood!’

” ‘You low-down dog,’ she says, ‘it’s better to spill than to foul!’

” ‘Naw, Kate. Things ain’t what they ‘pear! Don’t make no blood-sin

on accounta no dream-sin!”

” ‘Shut up, nigguh. You done fouled!’

“But I sees there ain’t no use reasonin’ with her then. I makes up

my mind that I’m goin’ to take whatever she gimme. It seems to me that all

I can do is take my punishment. I tell myself, Maybe if you suffer for it, it

will be best. Maybe you owe it to Kate to let her beat you. You ain’t guilty,

but she thinks you is. You don’t want her to beat you, but she think she got

to beat you. You want to git up, but you too weak to move.

“I was too. I was frozen to where I was like a youngun what done

stuck his lip to a pump handle in the wintertime. I was just like a jaybird

that the yellow jackets done stung ’til he’s paralyzed — but still alive in his

eyes and he’s watchin’ ’em sting his body to death.

“It made me seem to go way back a distance in my head, behind my

eyes, like I was standin’ behind a windbreak durin’ a storm. I looks out and

sees Kate runnin’ toward me draggin’ something behind her. I tries to see

what it is ’cause I’m curious ’bout it and sees her gown catch on the stove

and her hand comin’ in sight with somethin’ in it. I thinks to myself, It’s a

handle. What she got the handle to? Then I sees her right up on me, big.

She’s swingin’ her arms like a man swingin’ a ten-pound sledge and I sees

the knuckles of her hand is bruised and bleedin’, and I sees it catch in her

gown and I sees her gown go up so I can see her thighs and I sees how

rusty and gray the cold done made her skin, and I sees her bend and

straightenin’ up and I hears her grunt and I sees her swing and I smells her

sweat and I knows by the shape of the shinin’ wood what she’s got to put on

me. Lawd, yes! I sees it catch on a quilt this time and raise that quilt up

and drop it on the floor. Then I sees that ax come free! It’s shinin’, shinin’

from the sharpenin’ I’d give it a few days before, and man, way back in

myself, behind that windbreak, I says,

” ‘NAAW! KATE — Lawd, Kate, NAW!!!’ ”

Suddenly his voice was so strident that I looked up startled.

Trueblood seemed to look straight through Mr. Norton, his eyes glassy. The

children paused guiltily at their play, looking toward their father.

“I might as well been pleadin’ with a switch engine,” he went on. “I

sees it comin’ down. I sees the light catchin’ on it, I sees Kate’s face all

mean and I tightens my shoulders and stiffens my neck and I waits — ten

million back-breakin’ years, it seems to me like I waits. I waits so long I

remembers all the wrong things I ever done; I waits so long I opens my eyes

and closes ’em and opens my eyes agin, and I sees it fallin’. It’s fallin’ fast as

flops from a six-foot ox, and while I’m waitin’ I feels somethin’ wind up

inside of me and turn to water. I sees it, Lawd, yes! I sees it and seein’ it I

twists my head aside. Couldn’t help it; Kate has a good aim, but for that. I

moves. Though I meant to keep still, I moved! Anybody but Jesus Christ

hisself woulda moved. I feel like the whole side of my face is smashed clear

off. It hits me like hot lead so hot that insteada burnin’ me it numbs me.

I’m layin’ there on the floor, but inside me I’m runnin’ round in circles like a

dog with his back broke, and back into that numbness with my tail tucked

between my legs. I feels like I don’t have no skin on my face no more, only

the naked bone. But this is the part I don’t understand: more’n the pain and

numbness I feels relief. Yes, and to git some more of that relief I seems to

run out from behind the windbreak again and up to where Kate’s standin’

with the ax, and I opens my eyes and waits. That’s the truth. I wants some

more and I waits. I sees her swing it, lookin’ down on me, and I sees it in

the air and I holds my breath, then all of a sudden I sees it stop like

somebody done reached down through the roof and caught it, and I sees her

face have a spasm and I sees the ax fall, back of her this time, and hit the

floor, and Kate spews out some puke and I close my eyes and waits. I can

hear her moanin’ and stumblin’ out of the door and fallin’ off the porch into

the yard. Then I hears her pukin’ like all her guts is coming up by the roots.

Then I looks down and seen blood runnin’ all over Matty Lou. It’s my blood,

my face is bleedin’. That gits me to movin’. I gits up and stumbles out to

find Kate, and there she is under the cottonwood tree out there, on her

knees, and she’s moanin’.

” ‘What have I done, Lawd! What have I done!’

“She’s droolin’ green stuff and gits to pukin’ agin, and when I goes

to touch her it gits worse. I stands there holdin’ my face and tryin’ to keep

the blood from flowin’ and wonders what on earth is gonna happen. I looks

up at the mornin’ sun and expects somehow for it to thunder. But it’s already

bright and clear and the sun comin’ up and the birds is chirpin’ and I gits

more afraid then than if a bolt of lightnin’ had struck me. I yells, ‘Have

mercy, Lawd! Lawd, have mercy!’ and waits. And there’s nothin’ but the clear

bright mornin’ sun.

“But don’t nothin’ happen and I knows then that somethin’ worse

than anything I ever heard ’bout is in store for me. I musta stood there stark

stone still for half an hour. I was still standin’ there when Kate got off her

knees and went back into the house. The blood was runnin’ all over my

clothes and the flies was after me, and I went back inside to try and stop it.

“When I see Matty Lou stretched out there I think she’s dead. Ain’t

no color in her face and she ain’t hardly breathin’. She gray in the face. I

tries to help her but I can’t do no good and Kate won’t speak to me nor

look at me even; and I thinks maybe she plans to try to kill me agin, but

she don’t. I’m in such a daze I just sits there the whole time while she

bundles up the younguns and takes ’em down the road to Will Nichols’. I can

see but I caint do nothin’.

“And I’m still settin’ there when she comes back with some women

to see ’bout Matty Lou. Won’t nobody speak to me, though they looks at me

like I’m some new kinda cotton-pickin’ machine. I feels bad. I tells them how

it happened in a dream, but they scorns me. I gits plum out of the house

then. I goes to see the preacher and even he don’t believe me. He tells me to

git out ot his house, that I’m the most wicked man he’s ever seen and that I

better go confess my sin and make my peace with God. I leaves tryin’ to

pray, but I caint. I thinks and thinks, until I thinks my brain go’n bust, ’bout

how I’m guilty and how I ain’t guilty. I don’t eat nothin’ and I don’t drink

nothin’ and caint sleep at night. Finally, one night, way early in the mornin’,

I looks up and sees the stars and I starts singin’. I don’t mean to, I didn’t

think ’bout it, just start singin’. I don’t know what it was, some kinda church

song, I guess. All I know is I ends up singin’ the blues. I sings me some

blues that night ain’t never been sang before, and while I’m singin’ them

blues I makes up my mind that I ain’t nobody but myself and ain’t nothin’ I

can do but let whatever is gonna happen, happen. I made up my mind that I

was goin’ back home and face Kate; yeah, and face Matty Lou too.

“When I gits here everybody thinks I done run off. There’s a heap of

women here with Kate and I runs ’em out. And when I runs ’em out I sends

the younguns out to play and locks the door and tells Kate and Matty Lou

’bout the dream and how I’m sorry, but that what done happen is done

happen.

” ‘How come you don’t go on ‘way and leave us?’ is the first words

Kate says to me. ‘Ain’t you done enough to me and this chile?’

” ‘I caint leave you,’ I says. ‘I’m a man and man don’t leave his

family.’

“She says, ‘Naw, you ain’t no man. No man’d do what you did.’

” ‘I’m still a man,’ I says.

” ‘But what you gon’ do after it happens?’ says Kate.

” ‘After what happens?’ I says.

” ‘When yo black ‘bomination is birthed to bawl yo wicked sin befo

the eyes of God!’ (She musta learned them words from the preacher.)

” ‘Birth?’ I says. ‘Who birth?’

” ‘Both of us. Me birth and Matty Lou birth. Both of us birth, you

dirty lowdown wicked dog!’

“That liketa killed me. I can understand then why Matty Lou won’t

look at me and won’t speak a word to nobody.

” ‘If you stay I’m goin’ over an’ git Aunt Cloe for both of us,’ Kate

says. She says, ‘I don’t aim to birth no sin for folks to look at all the rest of

my life, and I don’t aim for Matty Lou to neither.’

“You see, Aunt Cloe is a midwife, and even weak as I am from this

news I knows I don’t want her foolin’ with my womenfolks. That woulda been

pilin’ sin up on toppa sin. So I told Kate, naw, that if Aunt Cloe come near

this house I’d kill her, old as she is. I’da done it too. That settles it. I walks

out of the house and leaves ’em here to cry it out between ’em. I wanted to

go off by myself agin, but it don’t do no good tryin’ to run off from

somethin’ like that. It follows you wherever you go. Besides, to git right down

to the facts, there wasn’t nowhere I could go. I didn’t have a cryin’ dime!

“Things got to happenin’ right off. The nigguhs up at the school

come down to chase me off and that made me mad. I went to see the white

folks then and they gave me help. That’s what I don’t understand. I done the

worse thing a man could ever do in his family and instead of chasin’ me out

of the county, they gimme more help than they ever give any other colored

man, no matter how good a nigguh he was. Except that my wife an’ daughter

won’t speak to me, I’m better off than I ever been before. And even if Kate

won’t speak to me she took the new clothes I brought her from up in town

and now she’s gettin’ some eyeglasses made what she been needin’ for so

long. But what I don’t understand is how I done the worse thing a man can

do in his own family and ‘stead of things gittin’ bad, they got better. The

nigguhs up at the school don’t like me, but the white folks treats me fine.”

HE WAS some farmer. As I listened I had been so torn between

humiliation and fascination that to lessen my sense of shame I had kept my

attention riveted upon his intense face. That way I did not have to look at

Mr. Norton. But now as the voice ended I sat looking down at Mr. Norton’s

feet. Out in the yard a woman’s hoarse contralto intoned a hymn. Children’s

voices were raised in playful chatter. I sat bent over, smelling the sharp dry

odor of wood burning in the hot sunlight. I stared at the two pairs of shoes

before me. Mr. Norton’s were white, trimmed with black. They were custom

made and there beside the cheap tan brogues of the farmer they had the

elegantly slender well-bred appearance of fine gloves. Finally someone cleared

his throat and I looked up to see Mr. Norton staring silently into Jim

Trueblood’s eyes. I was startled. His face had drained of color. With his

bright eyes burning into Trueblood’s black face, he looked ghostly. Trueblood

looked at me questioningly.

“Lissen to the younguns,” he said in embarrassment. “Playin’ ‘London

Bridge’s Fallin’ Down.’ ”

Something was going on which I didn’t get. I had to get Mr. Norton

away.

“Are you all right, sir?” I asked.

He looked at me with unseeing eyes. “All right?” he said.

“Yes, sir. I mean that I think it’s time for the afternoon session,” I

hurried on.

He stared at me blankly.

I went to him. “Are you sure you’re all right, sir?”

“Maybe it’s the heat,” Trueblood said. “You got to be born down here

to stand this kind of heat.”

“Perhaps,” Mr. Norton said, “it is the heat. We’d better go.”

He stood shakily, still staring intently at Trueblood. Then I saw him

removing a red Moroccan-leather wallet from his coat pocket. The

platinum-framed miniature came with it, but he did not look at it this time.

“Here,” he said, extending a banknote. “Please take this and buy the

children some toys for me.”

Trueblood’s mouth fell agape, his eyes widened and filled with

moisture as he took the bill between trembling fingers. It was a

hundred-dollar bill.

“I’m ready, young man,” Mr. Norton said, his voice a whisper.

I went before him to the car and opened the door. He stumbled a

bit climbing in and I gave him my arm. His face was still chalk white.

“Drive me away from here,” he said in a sudden frenzy. “Away!”

“Yes, sir.”

I saw Jim Trueblood wave as I threw the car into gear. “You

bastard,” I said under my breath. “You no-good bastard! You get a

hundred-dollar bill!”

When I had turned the car and started back I saw him still standing

in the same place.

Suddenly Mr. Norton touched me on the shoulder. “I must have a

stimulant, young man. A little whiskey.”

“Yes, sir. Are you all right, sir?”

“A little faint, but a stimulant . . .”

His voice trailed off. Something cold formed within my chest. If

anything happened to him Dr. Bledsoe would blame me. I stepped on the

gas, wondering where I could get him some whiskey. Not in the town, that

would take too long. There was only one place, the Golden Day.

“I’ll have you some in a few minutes, sir,” I said.

“As soon as you can,” he said.

Chapter 3

I saw them as we approached the short stretch that lay between the

railroad tracks and the Golden Day. At first I failed to recognize them. They

straggled down the highway in a loose body, blocking the way from the white

line to the frazzled weeds that bordered the sun-heated concrete slab. I

cursed them silently. They were blocking the road and Mr. Norton was

gasping for breath. Ahead of the radiator’s gleaming curve they looked like a

chain gang on its way to make a road. But a chain gang marches single file

and I saw no guards on horseback. As I drew nearer I recognized the loose

gray shirts and pants worn by the veterans. Damn! They were heading for the

Golden Day.

“A little stimulant,” I heard behind me.

“In a few minutes, sir.”

Up ahead I saw the one who thought he was a drum major strutting

in front, giving orders as he moved energetically in long, hip-swinging strides,

a cane held above his head, rising and falling as though in time to music. I

slowed the car as I saw him turn to face the men, his cane held at chest

level as he shortened the pace. The men continued to ignore him, walking

along in a mass, some talking in groups and others talking and gesticulating

to themselves.

Suddenly, the drum major saw the car and shook his cane-baton at

me. I blew the horn, seeing the men move over to the side as I nosed the

car slowly forward. He held his ground, his legs braced, hands on hips, and

to keep from hitting him I slammed on the brakes.

The drum major rushed past the men toward the car, and I heard

the cane bang down upon the hood as he rushed toward me.

“Who the hell you think you are, running down the army? Give the

countersign. Who’s in command of this outfit? You trucking bastards was

always too big for your britches. Countersign me!”

“This is General Pershing’s car, sir,” I said, remembering hearing that

he responded to the name of his wartime Commander-in-Chief. Suddenly the

wild look changed in his eyes and he stepped back and saluted with stiff

precision. Then looking suspiciously into the back seat, he barked,

“Where’s the General?”

“There,” I said, turning and seeing Mr. Norton raising himself, weak

and white-faced, from the seat.

“What is it? Why have we stopped?”

“The sergeant stopped us, sir . . .”

“Sergeant? What sergeant?” He sat up.

“Is that you, General?” the vet said, saluting. “I didn’t know you were

inspecting the front lines today. I’m very sorry, sir.”

“What . . . ?” Mr. Norton said.

“The General’s in a hurry,” I said quickly.

“Sure is,” the vet said. “He’s got a lot to see. Discipline is bad.

Artillery’s shot to hell.” Then he called to the men walking up the road, “Get

the hell out of the General’s road. General Pershing’s coming through. Make

way for General Pershing!”

He stepped aside and I shot the car across the line to avoid the men

and stayed there on the wrong side as I headed for the Golden Day.

“Who was that man?” Mr. Norton gasped from the back seat.

“A former soldier, sir. A vet. They’re all vets, a little shellshocked.”

“But where is the attendant?”

“I don’t see one, sir. They’re harmless though.”

“Nevertheless, they should have an attendant.”

I had to get him there and away before they arrived. This was their

day to visit the girls, and the Golden Day would be pretty rowdy. I wondered

where the rest of them were. There should have been about fifty. Well, I

would rush in and get the whiskey and leave. What was wrong with Mr.

Norton anyway, why should he get that upset over Trueblood? I had felt

ashamed and several times I had wanted to laugh, but it had made him sick.

Maybe he needed a doctor. Hell, he didn’t ask for any doctor. Damn that

bastard Trueblood.

I would run in, get a pint, and run out again, I thought. Then he

wouldn’t see the Golden Day. I seldom went there myself except with some of

the fellows when word got out that a new bunch of girls had arrived from

New Orleans. The school had tried to make the Golden Day respectable, but

the local white folks had a hand in it somehow and they got nowhere. The

best the school could do was to make it hot for any student caught going

there.

He lay like a man asleep as I left the car and ran into the Golden

Day. I wanted to ask him for money but decided to use my own. At the door

I paused; the place was already full, jammed with vets in loose gray shirts

and trousers and women in short, tight-fitting, stiffly starched gingham

aprons. The stale beer smell struck like a club through the noise of voices

and the juke box. Just as I got inside the door a stolid-faced man gripped

me by the arm and looked stonily into my eyes.

“It will occur at 5:30,” he said, looking straight through me.

“What?”

“The great all-embracing, absolute Armistice, the end of the world!”

he said.

Before I could answer, a small plump woman smiled into my face

and pulled him away.

“It’s your turn, Doc,” she said. “Don’t let it happen till after me and

you done been upstairs. How come I always have to come get you?”

“No, it is true,” he said. “They wirelessed me from Paris this

morning.”

“Then, baby, me an’ you better hurry. There’s lots of money I got to

make in here before that thing happens. You hold it back a while, will you?”

She winked at me as she pulled him through the crowd toward the

stairs. I elbowed my way nervously toward the bar.

Many of the men had been doctors, lawyers, teachers, Civil Service

workers; there were several cooks, a preacher, a politician, and an artist. One

very nutty one had been a psychiatrist. Whenever I saw them I felt

uncomfortable. They were supposed to be members of the professions toward

which at various times I vaguely aspired myself, and even though they never

seemed to see me I could never believe that they were really patients.

Sometimes it appeared as though they played some vast and complicated

game with me and the rest of the school folk, a game whose goal was

laughter and whose rules and subtleties I could never grasp.

Two men stood directly in front of me, one speaking with intense

earnestness. “. . . and Johnson hit Jeffries at an angle of 45 degrees from his

lower left lateral incisor, producing an instantaneous blocking of his entire

thalamic rine, frosting it over like the freezing unit of a refrigerator, thus

shattering his autonomous nervous system and rocking the big brick-laying

creampuff with extreme hyperspasmic muscular tremors which dropped him

dead on the extreme tip of his coccyx, which, in turn, produced a sharp

traumatic reaction in his sphincter nerve and muscle, and then, my dear

colleague, they swept him up, sprinkled him with quicklime and rolled him

away in a barrow. Naturally, there was no other therapy possible.”

“Excuse me,” I said, pushing past.

Big Halley was behind the bar, his dark skin showing through his

sweat-wet shirt.

“Whatcha saying, school-boy?”

“I want a double whiskey, Halley. Put it in something deep so I can

get it out of here without spilling it. It’s for somebody outside.”

His mouth shot out, “Hell, naw!”

“Why?” I asked, surprised at the anger in his thyroid eyes.

“You still up at the school, ain’t you?”

“Sure.”

“Well, those bastards is trying to close me up agin, that’s why. You

can drink till you blue in the face in here, but I wouldn’t sell you enough to

spit through your teeth to take outside.”

“But I’ve got a sick man out in the car.”

“What car? You never had no car.”

“The white man’s car. I’m driving for him.”

“Ain’t you in school?”

“He’s from the school.”

“Well, who’s sick?”

“He is.”

“He too good to come in? Tell him we don’t Jimcrow nobody.”

“But he’s sick.”

“He can die!”

“He’s important, Halley, a trustee. He’s rich and sick and if anything

happens to him, they’ll have me packed and on my way home.”

“Can’t help it, school-boy. Bring him inside and he can buy enough

to swim in. He can drink outta my own private bottle.”

He sliced the white heads off a couple of beers with an ivory paddle

and passed them up the bar. I felt sick inside. Mr. Norton wouldn’t want to

come in here. He was too sick. And besides I didn’t want him to see the

patients and the girls. Things were getting wilder as I made my way out.

Supercargo, the white-uniformed attendant who usually kept the men quiet

was nowhere to be seen. I didn’t like it, for when he was upstairs they had

absolutely no inhibitions. I made my way out to the car. What could I tell

Mr. Norton? He was lying very still when I opened the door.

“Mr. Norton, sir. They refuse to sell me whiskey to bring out.”

He lay very still.

“Mr. Norton.”

He lay like a figure of chalk. I shook him gently, feeling dread within

me. He barely breathed. I shook him violently, seeing his head wobble

grotesquely. His lips parted, bluish, revealing a row of long, slender,

amazingly animal-like teeth.

“SIR!”

In a panic I ran back into the Golden Day, bursting through the

noise as through an invisible wall.

“Halley! Help me, he’s dying!”

I tried to get through but no one seemed to have heard me. I was

blocked on both sides. They were jammed together.

“Halley!”

Two patients turned and looked me in the face, their eyes two inches

from my nose.

“What is wrong with this gentleman, Sylvester?” the tall one said.

“A man’s dying outside!” I said.

“Someone is always dying,” the other one said.

“Yes, and it’s good to die beneath God’s great tent of sky.”

“He’s got to have some whiskey!”

“Oh, that’s different,” one of them said and they began pushing a

path to the bar. “A last bright drink to keep the anguish down. Step aside,

please!”

“School-boy, you back already?” Halley said.

“Give me some whiskey. He’s dying!”

“I done told you, school-boy, you better bring him in here. He can

die, but I still got to pay my bills.”

“Please, they’ll put me in jail.”

“You going to college, figure it out,” he said.

“You’d better bring the gentleman inside,” the one called Sylvester

said. “Come, let us assist you.”

We fought our way out of the crowd. He was just as I left him.

“Look, Sylvester, it’s Thomas Jefferson!”

“I was just about to say, I’ve long wanted to discourse with him.”

I looked at them speechlessly; they were both crazy. Or were they

joking?

“Give me a hand,” I said.

“Gladly.”

I shook him. “Mr. Norton!”

“We’d better hurry if he’s to enjoy his drink,” one of them said

thoughtfully.

We picked him up. He swung between us like a sack of old clothes.

“Hurry!”

As we carried him toward the Golden Day one of the men stopped

suddenly and Mr. Norton’s head hung down, his white hair dragging in the

dust.

“Gentlemen, this man is my grandfather!”

“But he’s white, his name’s Norton.”

“I should know my own grandfather! He’s Thomas Jefferson and I’m

his grandson — on the ‘field-nigger’ side,” the tall man said.

“Sylvester, I do believe that you’re right. I certainly do,” he said,

staring at Mr. Norton. “Look at those features. Exactly like yours — from the

identical mold. Are you sure he didn’t spit you upon the earth, fully clothed?”

“No, no, that was my father,” the man said earnestly.

And he began to curse his father violently as we moved for the door.

Halley was there waiting. Somehow he’d gotten the crowd to quiet down and

a space was cleared in the center of the room. The men came close to look

at Mr. Norton.

“Somebody bring a chair.”

“Yeah, let Mister Eddy sit down.”

“That ain’t no Mister Eddy, man, that’s John D. Rockefeller,”

someone said.

“Here’s a chair for the Messiah.”

“Stand back y’all,” Halley ordered. “Give him some room.”

Burnside, who had been a doctor, rushed forward and felt for Mr.

Norton’s pulse.

“It’s solid! This man has a solid pulse! Instead of beating, it vibrates.

That’s very unusual. Very.”

Someone pulled him away. Halley reappeared with a bottle and a

glass. “Here, some of y’all tilt his head back.”

And before I could move, a short, pock-marked man appeared and

took Mr. Norton’s head between his hands, tilting it at arm’s length and then,

pinching the chin gently like a barber about to apply a razor, gave a sharp,

swift movement.

“Pow!”

Mr. Norton’s head jerked like a jabbed punching bag. Five pale red

lines bloomed on the white cheek, glowing like fire beneath translucent stone.

I could not believe my eyes. I wanted to run. A woman tittered. I saw several

men rush for the door.

“Cut it out, you damn fool!”

“A case of hysteria,” the pock-marked man said quietly.

“Git the hell out of the way,” Halley said. “Somebody git that

stool-pigeon attendant from upstairs. Git him down here, quick!”

“A mere mild case of hysteria,” the pock-marked man said as they

pushed him away.

“Hurry with the drink, Halley!”

“Heah, school-boy, you hold the glass. This here’s brandy I been

saving for myself.”

Someone whispered tonelessly into my ear, “You see, I told you that

it would occur at 5:30. Already the Creator has come.” It was the stolid-faced

man.

I saw Halley tilt the bottle and the oily amber of brandy sloshing

into the glass. Then tilting Mr. Norton’s head back, I put the glass to his lips

and poured. A fine brown stream ran from the corner of his mouth, down his

delicate chin. The room was suddenly quiet. I felt a slight movement against

my hand, like a child’s breast when it whimpers at the end of a spell of

crying. The fine-veined eyelids flickered. He coughed. I saw a slow red flush

creep, then spurt, up his neck, spreading over his face.

“Hold it under his nose, school-boy. Let ‘im smell it.”

I waved the glass beneath Mr. Norton’s nose. He opened his pale

blue eyes. They seemed watery now in the red flush that bathed his face. He

tried to sit up, his right hand fluttering to his chin. His eyes widened, moved

quickly from face to face. Then coming to mine, the moist eyes focused with

recognition.

“You were unconscious, sir,” I said.

“Where am I, young man?” he asked wearily.

“This is the Golden Day, sir.”

“What?”

“The Golden Day. It’s a kind of sporting-and-gambling house,” I

added reluctantly.

“Now give him another drinka brandy,” Halley said.

I poured a drink and handed it to him. He sniffed it, closed his eyes

as in puzzlement, then drank; his cheeks filled out like small bellows; he was

rinsing his mouth.

“Thank you,” he said, a little stronger now. “What is this place?”

“The Golden Day,” said several patients in unison.

He looked slowly around him, up to the balcony, with its scrolled

and carved wood. A large flag hung lank above the floor. He frowned.

“What was this building used for in the past?” he said.

“It was a church, then a bank, then it was a restaurant and a fancy

gambling house, and now we got it,” Halley explained. “I think somebody said

it used to be a jail-house too.”

“They let us come here once a week to raise a little hell,” someone

said.

“I couldn’t buy a drink to take out, sir, so I had to bring you

inside,” I explained in dread.

He looked about him. I followed his eyes and was amazed to see the

varied expressions on the patients’ faces as they silently returned his gaze.

Some were hostile, some cringing, some horrified; some, who when among

themselves were most violent, now appeared as submissive as children. And

some seemed strangely amused.

“Are all of you patients?” Mr. Norton asked.

“Me, I just runs the joint,” Halley said. “These here other fellows . .

.”

“We’re patients sent here as therapy,” a short, fat, very

intelligent-looking man said. “But,” he smiled, “they send along an attendant,

a kind of censor, to see that the therapy fails.”

“You’re nuts. I’m a dynamo of energy. I come to charge my

batteries,” one of the vets insisted.

“I’m a student of history, sir,” another interrupted with dramatic

gestures. “The world moves in a circle like a roulette wheel. In the beginning,

black is on top, in the middle epochs, white holds the odds, but soon

Ethiopia shall stretch forth her noble wings! Then place your money on the

black!” His voice throbbed with emotion. “Until then, the sun holds no heat,

there’s ice in the heart of the earth. Two years from now and I’ll be old

enough to give my mulatto mother a bath, the half-white bitch!” he added,

beginning to leap up and down in an explosion of glassy-eyed fury.

Mr. Norton blinked his eyes and straightened up.

“I’m a physician, may I take your pulse?” Burnside said, seizing Mr.

Norton’s wrist.

“Don’t pay him no mind, mister. He ain’t been no doctor in ten

years. They caught him trying to change some blood into money.”

“I did too!” the man screamed. “I discovered it and John D.

Rockefeller stole the formula from me.”

“Mr. Rockefeller did you say?” Mr. Norton said. “I’m sure you must

be mistaken.”

“WHAT’S GOING ON DOWN THERE?” a voice shouted from the

balcony. Everyone turned. I saw a huge black giant of a man, dressed only in

white shorts, swaying on the stairs. It was Supercargo, the attendant. I hardly

recognized him without his hard-starched white uniform. Usually he walked

around threatening the men with a strait jacket which he always carried over

his arm, and usually they were quiet and submissive in his presence. But now

they seemed not to recognize him and began shouting curses.

“How you gon keep order in the place if you gon git drunk?” Halley

shouted. “Charlene! Charlene!”

“Yeah?” a woman’s voice, startling in its carrying power, answered

sulkily from a room off the balcony.

“I want you to git that stool-pigeoning, joy-killing, nut-crushing bum

back in there with you and sober him up. Then git him in his white suit and

down here to keep order. We got white folks in the house.”

A woman appeared on the balcony, drawing a woolly pink robe about

her. “Now you lissen here, Halley,” she drawled, “I’m a woman. If you want

him dressed, you can do it yourself. I don’t put on but one man’s clothes

and he’s in N’Orleans.”

“Never mind all that. Git that stool pigeon sober!”

“I want order down there,” Supercargo boomed, “and if there’s white

folks down there, I wan’s double order.”

Suddenly there was an angry roar from the men back near the bar

and I saw them rush the stairs.

“Get him!”

“Let’s give him some order!”

“Out of my way.”

Five men charged the stairs. I saw the giant bend and clutch the

posts at the top of the stairs with both hands, bracing himself, his body

gleaming bare in his white shorts. The little man who had slapped Mr.

Norton was in front, and, as he sprang up the long flight, I saw the

attendant set himself and kick, catching the little man just as he reached the

top, hard in the chest, sending him backwards in a curving dive into the

midst of the men behind him. Supercargo got set to swing his leg again. It

was a narrow stair and only one man could get up at a time. As fast as they

rushed up, the giant kicked them back. He swung his leg, kicking them down

like a fungo-hitter batting out flies. Watching him, I forgot Mr. Norton. The

Golden Day was in an uproar. Half-dressed women appeared from the rooms

off the balcony. Men hooted and yelled as at a football game.

“I WANT ORDER!” the giant shouted as he sent a man flying down

the flight of stairs.

“THEY THROWING BOTTLES OF LIQUOR!” a woman screamed.

“REAL LIQUOR!”

“That’s a order he don’t want,” someone said.

A shower of bottles and glasses splashing whiskey crashed against the

balcony. I saw Supercargo snap suddenly erect and grab his forehead, his face

bathed in whiskey, “Eeeee!” he cried, “Eeeee!” Then I saw him waver, rigid

from his ankles upward. For a moment the men on the stairs were

motionless, watching him. Then they sprang forward.

Supercargo grabbed wildly at the balustrade as they snatched his feet

from beneath him and started down. His head bounced against the steps

making a sound like a series of gunshots as they ran dragging him by his

ankles, like volunteer firemen running with a hose. The crowd surged forward.

Halley yelled near my ear. I saw the man being dragged toward the center of

the room.

“Give the bastard some order!”

“Here I’m forty-five and he’s been acting like he’s my old man!”

“So you like to kick, huh?” a tall man said, aiming a shoe at the

attendant’s head. The flesh above his right eye jumped out as though it had

been inflated.

Then I heard Mr. Norton beside me shouting, “No, no! Not when

he’s down!”

“Lissen at the white folks,” someone said. “He’s the white folks’

man!”

Men were jumping upon Supercargo with both feet now and I felt

such an excitement that I wanted to join them. Even the girls were yelling,

“Give it to him good!” “He never pays me!” “Kill him!”

“Please, y’all, not here! Not in my place!”

“You can’t speak your mind when he’s on duty!”

“Hell, no!”

Somehow I got pushed away from Mr. Norton and found myself

beside the man called Sylvester.

“Watch this, school-boy,” he said. “See there, where his ribs are

bleeding?” I nodded my head. “Now don’t move your eyes.”

I watched the spot as though compelled, just beneath the lower rib

and above the hip-bone, as Sylvester measured carefully with his toe and

kicked as though he were punting a football. Supercargo let out a groan like

an injured horse.

“Try it, school-boy, it feels so good. It gives you relief,” Sylvester

said. “Sometimes I get so afraid of him I feel that he’s inside my head.

There!” he said, giving Supercargo another kick.

As I watched, a man sprang on Supercargo’s chest with both feet and

he lost consciousness. They began throwing cold beer on him, reviving him,

only to kick him unconscious again. Soon he was drenched in blood and beer.

“The bastard’s out cold.”

“Throw him out.”

“Naw, wait a minute. Give me a hand somebody.”

They threw him upon the bar, stretching him out with his arms

folded across his chest like a corpse.

“Now, let’s have a drink!”

Halley was slow in getting behind the bar and they cursed him.

“Get back there and serve us, you big sack of fat!”

“Gimme a rye!”

“Up here, funk-buster!”

“Shake them sloppy hips!”

“Okay, okay, take it easy,” Halley said, rushing to pour them drinks.

“Just put y’all’s money where your mouth is.”

With Supercargo lying helpless upon the bar, the men whirled about

like maniacs. The excitement seemed to have tilted some of the more

delicately balanced ones too far. Some made hostile speeches at the top of

their voices against the hospital, the state and the universe. The one who

called himself a composer was banging away the one wild piece he seemed to

know on the out-of-tune piano, striking the keyboard with fists and elbows

and filling in other effects in a bass voice that moaned like a bear in agony.

One of the most educated ones touched my arm. He was a former chemist

who was never seen without his shining Phi Beta Kappa key.

“The men have lost control,” he said through the uproar. “I think

you’d better leave.”

“I’m trying to,” I said, “as soon as I can get over to Mr. Norton.”

Mr. Norton was gone from where I had left him. I rushed here and

there through the noisy men, calling his name.

When I found him he was under the stairs. Somehow he had been

pushed there by the scuffling, reeling men and he lay sprawled in the chair

like an aged doll. In the dim light his features were sharp and white and his

closed eyes well-defined lines in a well-tooled face. I shouted his name above

the roar of the men, and got no answer. He was out again. I shook him,

gently, then roughly, but still no flicker of his wrinkled lids. Then some of

the milling men pushed me up against him and suddenly a mass of whiteness

was looming two inches from my eyes; it was only his face but I felt a

shudder of nameless horror. I had never been so close to a white person

before. In a panic I struggled to get away. With his eyes closed he seemed

more threatening than with them open. He was like a formless white death,

suddenly appeared before me, a death which had been there all the time and

which had now revealed itself in the madness of the Golden Day.

“Stop screaming!” a voice commanded, and I felt myself pulled away.

It was the short fat man.

I clamped my mouth shut, aware for the first time that the shrill

sound was coming from my own throat. I saw the man’s face relax as he

gave me a wry smile.

“That’s better,” he shouted into my ear. “He’s only a man. Remember

that. He’s only a man!”

I wanted to tell him that Mr. Norton was much more than that, that

he was a rich white man and in my charge; but the very idea that I was

responsible for him was too much for me to put into words.

“Let us take him to the balcony,” the man said, pushing me toward

Mr. Norton’s feet. I moved automatically, grasping the thin ankles as he

raised the white man by the armpits and backed from beneath the stairs. Mr.

Norton’s head lolled upon his chest as though he were drunk or dead.

The vet started up the steps still smiling, climbing backwards a step

at a time. I had begun to worry about him, whether he was drunk like the

rest, when I saw three of the girls who had been leaning over the balustrade

watching the brawl come down to help us carry Mr. Norton up.

“Looks like pops couldn’t take it,” one of them shouted.

“He’s high as a Georgia pine.”

“Yeah, I tell you this stuff Halley got out here is too strong for white

folks to drink.”

“Not drunk, ill!” the fat man said. “Go find a bed that’s not being

used so he can stretch out awhile.”

“Sho, daddy. Is there any other little favors I can do for you?”

“That’ll be enough,” he said.

One of the girls ran up ahead. “Mine’s just been changed. Bring him

down here,” she said.

In a few minutes Mr. Norton was lying upon a three-quarter bed,

faintly breathing. I watched the fat man bend over him very professionally

and feel for his pulse.

“You a doctor?” a girl asked.

“Not now, I’m a patient. But I have a certain knowledge.”

Another one, I thought, pushing him quickly aside. “He’ll be all right.

Let him come to so I can get him out of here.”

“You needn’t worry, I’m not like those down there, young fellow,” he

said. “I really was a doctor. I won’t hurt him. He’s had a mild shock of some

kind.”

We watched him bend over Mr. Norton again, feeling his pulse,

pulling back his eyelid.

“It’s a mild shock,” he repeated.

“This here Golden Day is enough to shock anybody,” a girl said,

smoothing her apron over the smooth sensuous roll of her stomach.

Another brushed Mr. Norton’s white hair away from his forehead and

stroked it, smiling vacantly. “He’s kinda cute,” she said. “Just like a little

white baby.”

“What kinda ole baby?” the small skinny girl asked.

“That’s the kind, an ole baby.”

“You just like white men, Edna. That’s all,” the skinny one said.

Edna shook her head and smiled as though amused at herself. “I sho

do. I just love ’em. Now this one, old as he is, he could put his shoes under

my bed any night.”

“Shucks, me I’d kill an old man like that.”

“Kill him nothing,” Edna said. “Girl, don’t you know that all these

rich ole white men got monkey glands and billy goat balls? These ole

bastards don’t never git enough. They want to have the whole world.”

The doctor looked at me and smiled. “See, now you’re learning all

about endocrinology,” he said. “I was wrong when I told you that he was

only a man; it seems now that he’s either part goat or part ape. Maybe he’s

both.”

“It’s the truth,” Edna said. “I used to have me one in Chicago –”

“Now you ain’t never been to no Chicago, gal,” the other one

interrupted.

“How you know I ain’t? Two years ago . . . Shucks, you don’t know

nothing. That ole white man right there might have him a coupla jackass

balls!”

The fat man raised up with a quick grin. “As a scientist and a

physician I’m forced to discount that,” he said. “That is one operation that

has yet to be performed.” Then he managed to get the girls out of the room.

“If he should come around and hear that conversation,” the vet said,

“it would be enough to send him off again. Besides, their scientific curiosity

might lead them to investigate whether he really does have a monkey gland.

And that, I’m afraid, would be a bit obscene.”

“I’ve got to get him back to the school,” I said.

“All right,” he said, “I’ll do what I can to help you. Go see if you

can find some ice. And don’t worry.”

I went out on the balcony, seeing the tops of their heads. They were

still milling around, the juke box baying, the piano thumping, and over at the

end of the room, drenched with beer, Supercargo lay like a spent horse upon

the bar.

Starting down, I noticed a large piece of ice glinting in the remains

of an abandoned drink and seized its coldness in my hot hand and hurried

back to the room.

The vet sat staring at Mr. Norton, who now breathed with a slightly

irregular sound.

“You were quick,” the man said, as he stood and reached for the ice.

“Swift with the speed of anxiety,” he added, as if to himself. “Hand me that

clean towel — there, from beside the basin.”

I handed him one, seeing him fold the ice inside it and apply it to

Mr. Norton’s face.

“Is he all right?” I said.

“He will be in a few minutes. What happened to him?”

“I took him for a drive,” I said.

“Did you have an accident or something?”

“No,” I said. “He just talked to a farmer and the heat knocked him

out . . . Then we got caught in the mob downstairs.”

“How old is he?”

“I don’t know, but he’s one of the trustees . . .”

“One of the very first, no doubt,” he said, dabbing at the blue-veined

eyes. “A trustee of consciousness.”

“What was that?” I asked.

“Nothing . . . There now, he’s coming out of it.”

I had an impulse to run out of the room. I feared what Mr. Norton

would say to me, the expression that might come into his eyes. And yet, I

was afraid to leave. My eyes could not leave the face with its flickering lids.

The head moved from side to side in the pale glow of the light bulb, as

though denying some insistent voice which I could not hear. Then the lids

opened, revealing pale pools of blue vagueness that finally solidified into

points that froze upon the vet, who looked down unsmilingly.

Men like us did not look at a man like Mr. Norton in that manner,

and I stepped hurriedly forward.

“He’s a real doctor, sir,” I said.

“I’ll explain,” the vet said. “Get a glass of water.”

I hesitated. He looked at me firmly. “Get the water,” he said, turning

to help Mr. Norton to sit up.

Outside I asked Edna for a glass of water and she led me down the

hall to a small kitchen, drawing it for me from a green old-fashioned cooler.

“I got some good liquor, baby, if you want to give him a drink,” she

said.

“This will do,” I said. My hands trembled so that the water spilled.

When I returned, Mr. Norton was sitting up unaided, carrying on a

conversation with the vet.

“Here’s some water, sir,” I said, extending the glass.

He took it. “Thank you,” he said.

“Not too much,” the vet cautioned.

“Your diagnosis is exactly that of my specialist,” Mr. Norton said,

“and I went to several fine physicians before one could diagnose it. How did

you know?”

“I too was a specialist,” the vet said.

“But how? Only a few men in the whole country possess the

knowledge –”

“Then one of them is an inmate of a semi-madhouse,” the vet said.

“But there’s nothing mysterious about it. I escaped for a while — I went to

France with the Army Medical Corps and remained there after the Armistice

to study and practice.”

“Oh yes, and how long were you in France?” Mr. Norton asked.

“Long enough,” he said. “Long enough to forget some fundamentals

which I should never have forgotten.”

“What fundamentals?” Mr. Norton said. “What do you mean?”

The vet smiled and cocked his head. “Things about life. Such things

as most peasants and folk peoples almost always know through experience,

though seldom through conscious thought . . .”

“Pardon me, sir,” I said to Mr. Norton, “but now that you feel better,

shouldn’t we go?”

“Not just yet,” he said. Then to the doctor, “I’m very interested.

What happened to you?” A drop of water caught in one of his eyebrows

glittered like a chip of active diamond. I went over and sat on a chair. Damn

this vet to hell!

“Are you sure you would like to hear?” the vet asked.

“Why, of course.”

“Then perhaps the young fellow should go downstairs and wait . . .”

The sound of shouting and destruction welled up from below as I

opened the door.

“No, perhaps you should stay,” the fat man said. “Perhaps had I

overheard some of what I’m about to tell you when I was a student up there

on the hill, I wouldn’t be the casualty that I am.”

“Sit down, young man,” Mr. Norton ordered. “So you were a student

at the college,” he said to the vet.

I sat down again, worrying about Dr. Bledsoe as the fat man told

Mr. Norton of his attending college, then becoming a physician and going to

France during the World War.

“Were you a successful physician?” Mr. Norton said.

“Fairly so. I performed a few brain surgeries that won me some

small attention.”

“Then why did you return?”

“Nostalgia,” the vet said.

“Then what on earth are you doing here in this . . . ?” Mr. Norton

said, “With your ability . . .”

“Ulcers,” the fat man said.

“That’s terribly unfortunate, but why should ulcers stop your career?”

“Not really, but I learned along with the ulcers that my work could

bring me no dignity,” the vet said.

“Now you sound bitter,” Mr. Norton said, just as the door flew open.

A brown-skinned woman with red hair looked in. “How’s white-folks

making out?” she said, staggering inside. “White-folks, baby, you done come

to. You want a drink?”

“Not now, Hester,” the vet said. “He’s still a little weak.”

“He sho looks it. That’s how come he needs a drink. Put some iron

in his blood.”

“Now, now, Hester.”

“Okay, okay . . . But what y’all doing looking like you at a funeral?

Don’t you know this is the Golden Day?” she staggered toward me, belching

elegantly and reeling. “Just look at y’all. Here school-boy looks like he’s

scared to death. And white-folks here is acting like y’all two strange poodles.

Be happy y’all! I’m going down and get Halley to send you up some drinks.”

She patted Mr. Norton’s cheek as she went past and I saw him turn a

glowing red. “Be happy, white-folks.”

“Ah hah!” the vet laughed, “you’re blushing, which means that you’re

better. Don’t be embarrassed. Hester is a great humanitarian, a therapist of

generous nature and great skill, and the possessor of a healing touch. Her

catharsis is absolutely tremendous — ha, ha!”

“You do look better, sir,” I said, anxious to get out of the place. I

could understand the vet’s words but not what they conveyed, and Mr.

Norton looked as uncomfortable as I felt. The one thing which I did know

was that the vet was acting toward the white man with a freedom which

could only bring on trouble. I wanted to tell Mr. Norton that the man was

crazy and yet I received a fearful satisfaction from hearing him talk as he

had to a white man. With the girl it was different. A woman usually got

away with things a man never could.

I was wet with anxiety, but the vet talked on, ignoring the

interruption.

“Rest, rest,” he said, fixing Mr. Norton with his eyes. “The clocks are

all set back and the forces of destruction are rampant down below. They

might suddenly realize that you are what you are, and then your life wouldn’t

be worth a piece of bankrupt stock. You would be canceled, perforated,

voided, become the recognized magnet attracting loose screws. Then what

would you do? Such men are beyond money, and with Supercargo down, out

like a felled ox, they know nothing of value. To some, you are the great

white father, to others the lyncher of souls, but for all, you are confusion

come even into the Golden Day.”

“What are you talking about?” I said, thinking: Lyncher? He was

getting wilder than the men downstairs. I didn’t dare look at Mr. Norton,

who made a sound of protest.

The vet frowned. “It is an issue which I can confront only by

evading it. An utterly stupid proposition, and these hands so lovingly trained

to master a scalpel yearn to caress a trigger. I returned to save life and I

was refused,” he said. “Ten men in masks drove me out from the city at

midnight and beat me with whips for saving a human life. And I was forced

to the utmost degradation because I possessed skilled hands and the belief

that my knowledge could bring me dignity — not wealth, only dignity — and

other men health!”

Then suddenly he fixed me with his eyes. “And now, do you

understand?”

“What?” I said.

“What you’ve heard!”

“I don’t know.”

“Why?”

I said, “I really think it’s time we left.”

“You see,” he said turning to Mr. Norton, “he has eyes and ears and

a good distended African nose, but he fails to understand the simple facts of

life. Understand. Understand? It’s worse than that. He registers with his

senses but short-circuits his brain. Nothing has meaning. He takes it in but

he doesn’t digest it. Already he is — well, bless my soul! Behold! a walking

zombie! Already he’s learned to repress not only his emotions but his

humanity. He’s invisible, a walking personification of the Negative, the most

perfect achievement of your dreams, sir! The mechanical man!”

Mr. Norton looked amazed.

“Tell me,” the vet said, suddenly calm. “Why have you been

interested in the school, Mr. Norton?”

“Out of a sense of my destined role,” Mr. Norton said shakily. “I felt,

and I still feel, that your people are in some important manner tied to my

destiny.”

“What do you mean, destiny?” the vet said.

“Why, the success of my work, of course.”

“I see. And would you recognize it if you saw it?”

“Why, of course I would,” Mr. Norton said indignantly. “I’ve watched

it grow each year I’ve returned to the campus.”

“Campus? Why the campus?”

“It is there that my destiny is being made.”

The vet exploded with laughter. “The campus, what a destiny!” He

stood and walked around the narrow room, laughing. Then he stopped as

suddenly as he had begun.

“You will hardly recognize it, but it is very fitting that you came to

the Golden Day with the young fellow,” he said.

“I came out of illness — or rather, he brought me,” Mr. Norton said.

“Of course, but you came, and it was fitting.”

“What do you mean?” Mr. Norton said with irritation.

“A little child shall lead them,” the vet said with a smile. “But

seriously, because you both fail to understand what is happening to you. You

cannot see or hear or smell the truth of what you see — and you, looking for

destiny! It’s classic! And the boy, this automaton, he was made of the very

mud of the region and he sees far less than you. Poor stumblers, neither of

you can see the other. To you he is a mark on the score-card of your

achievement, a thing and not a man; a child, or even less — a black

amorphous thing. And you, for all your power, are not a man to him, but a

God, a force –”

Mr. Norton stood abruptly. “Let us go, young man,” he said angrily.

“No, listen. He believes in you as he believes in the beat of his

heart. He believes in that great false wisdom taught slaves and pragmatists

alike, that white is right. I can tell you his destiny. He’ll do your bidding,

and for that his blindness is his chief asset. He’s your man, friend. Your man

and your destiny. Now the two of you descend the stairs into chaos and get

the hell out of here. I’m sick of both of you pitiful obscenities! Get out before

I do you both the favor of bashing in your heads!”

I saw his motion toward the big white pitcher on the washstand and

stepped between him and Mr. Norton, guiding Mr. Norton swiftly through the

doorway. Looking back, I saw him leaning against the wall making a sound

that was a blending of laughter and tears.

“Hurry, the man is as insane as the rest,” Mr. Norton said.

“Yes, sir,” I said, noticing a new note in his voice.

The balcony was now as noisy as the floor below. The girls and

drunken vets were stumbling about with drinks in their hands. Just as we

went past an open door Edna saw us and grabbed my arm.

“Where you taking white-folks?” she demanded.

“Back to school,” I said, shaking her off.

“You don’t want to go up there, white-folks, baby,” she said. I tried

to push past her. “I ain’t lying,” she said. “I’m the best little home-maker in

the business.”

“Okay, but please let us alone,” I pleaded. “You’ll get me into

trouble.”

We were going down the stairs into the milling men now and she

started to scream, “Pay me then! If he’s too good for me, let him pay!”

And before I could stop her she had pushed Mr. Norton, and both of

us were stumbling swiftly down the stairs. I landed against a man who

looked up with the anonymous familiarity of a drunk and shoved me hard

away. I saw Mr. Norton spin past as I sank farther into the crowd.

Somewhere I could hear the girl screaming and Halley’s voice yelling, “Hey!

Hey! Hey, now!” Then I was aware of fresh air and saw that I was near the

door and pushed my way free and stood panting and preparing to plunge

back for Mr. Norton — when I heard Halley calling, “Make way y’all!” and

saw him piloting Mr. Norton to the door.

“Whew!” he said, releasing the white man and shaking his huge head.

“Thanks, Halley –” I said and got no further.

I saw Mr. Norton, his face pale again, his white suit rumpled, topple

and fall, his head scraping against the screen of the door.

“Hey!”

I opened the door and raised him up.

“Goddamit, out agin,” Halley said. “How come you bring this white

man here, school-boy?”

“Is he dead?”

“DEAD!” he said, stepping back indignantly. “He caint die!”

“What’ll I do, Halley?”

“Not in my place, he caint die,” he said, kneeling.

Mr. Norton looked up. “No one is dead or dying,” he said acidly.

“Remove your hands!”

Halley fell away, surprised. “I sho am glad. You sho you all right? I

thought sho you was dead this time.”

“For God’s sake, be quiet!” I exploded nervously. “You should be glad

that he’s all right.”

Mr. Norton was visibly angry now, a raw place showing on his

forehead, and I hurried ahead of him to the car. He climbed in unaided, and

I got under the wheel, smelling the heated odor of mints and cigar smoke.

He was silent as I drove away.

Chapter 4

The wheel felt like an alien thing in my hands as I followed the

white line of the highway. Heat rays from the late afternoon sun arose from

the gray concrete, shimmering like the weary tones of a distant bugle blown

upon still midnight air. In the mirror I could see Mr. Norton staring out

vacantly upon the empty fields, his mouth stern, his white forehead livid

where it had scraped the screen. And seeing him I felt the fear balled coldly

within me unfold. What would happen now? What would the school officials

say? In my mind I visualized Dr. Bledsoe’s face when he saw Mr. Norton. I

thought of the glee certain folks at home would feel if I were expelled.

Tatlock’s grinning face danced through my mind. What would the white folks

think who’d sent me to college? Was Mr. Norton angry at me? In the Golden

Day he had seemed more curious than anything else — until the vet had

started talking wild. Damn Trueblood. It was his fault. If we hadn’t sat in the

sun so long Mr. Norton would not have needed whiskey and I wouldn’t have

gone to the Golden Day. And why would the vets act that way with a white

man in the house?

I headed the car through the red-brick campus gateposts with a sense

of cold apprehension. Now even the rows of neat dormitories seemed to

threaten me, the rolling lawns appearing as hostile as the gray highway with

its white dividing line. As of its own compulsion, the car slowed as we passed

the chapel with its low, sweeping eaves. The sun shone coolly through the

avenue of trees, dappling the curving drive. Students strolled through the

shade, down a hill of tender grass toward the brick-red stretch of tennis

courts. Far beyond, players in whites showed sharp against the red of the

courts surrounded by grass, a gay vista washed by the sun. In the brief

interval I heard a cheer arise. My predicament struck me like a stab. I had a

sense of losing control of the car and slammed on the brakes in the middle

of the road, then apologized and drove on. Here within this quiet greenness I

possessed the only identity I had ever known, and I was losing it. In this

brief moment of passage I became aware of the connection between these

lawns and buildings and my hopes and dreams. I wanted to stop the car and

talk with Mr. Norton, to beg his pardon for what he had seen; to plead and

show him tears, unashamed tears like those of a child before his parent; to

denounce all we’d seen and heard; to assure him that far from being like any

of the people we had seen, I hated them, that I believed in the principles of

the Founder with all my heart and soul, and that I believed in his own

goodness and kindness in extending the hand of his benevolence to helping

us poor, ignorant people out of the mire and darkness. I would do his

bidding and teach others to rise up as he wished them to, teach them to be

thrifty, decent, upright citizens, contributing to the welfare of all, shunning all

but the straight and narrow path that he and the Founder had stretched

before us. If only he were not angry with me! If only he would give me

another chance!

Tears filled my eyes, and the walks and buildings flowed and froze

for a moment in mist, glittering as in winter when rain froze on the grass

and foliage and turned the campus into a world of whiteness, weighting and

bending both trees and bushes with fruit of crystal. Then in the twinkling of

my eyes, it was gone, and the here and now of heat and greenness returned.

If only I could make Mr. Norton understand what the school meant to me.

“Shall I stop at your rooms, sir?” I said. “Or shall I take you to the

administration building? Dr. Bledsoe might be worried.”

“To my rooms, then bring Dr. Bledsoe to me,” he answered tersely.

“Yes, sir.”

In the mirror I saw him dabbing gingerly at his forehead with a

crinkled handkerchief. “You’d better send the school physician to me also,” he

said.

I stopped the car in front of a small building with white pillars like

those of an old plantation manor house, got out and opened the door.

“Mr. Norton, please, sir . . . I’m sorry . . . I –”

He looked at me sternly, his eyes narrowed, saying nothing.

“I didn’t know . . . please . . .”

“Send Dr. Bledsoe to me,” he said, turning away and swinging up the

graveled path to the building.

I got back into the car and drove slowly to the administration

building. A girl waved gaily as I passed, a bunch of violets in her hand. Two

teachers in dark suits talked decorously beside a broken fountain.

The building was quiet. Going upstairs I visualized Dr. Bledsoe, with

his broad globular face that seemed to take its form from the fat pressing

from the inside, which, as air pressing against the membrane of a balloon,

gave it shape and buoyancy. “Old Bucket-head,” some of the fellows called

him. I never had. He had been kind to me from the first, perhaps because of

the letters which the school superintendent had sent to him when I arrived.

But more than that, he was the example of everything I hoped to be:

Influential with wealthy men all over the country; consulted in matters

concerning the race; a leader of his people; the possessor of not one, but two

Cadillacs, a good salary and a soft, good-looking and creamy-complexioned

wife. What was more, while black and bald and everything white folks poked

fun at, he had achieved power and authority; had, while black and

wrinkle-headed, made himself of more importance in the world than most

Southern white men. They could laugh at him but they couldn’t ignore him.

“He’s been looking all over for you,” the girl at the desk said.

When I walked in he looked up from the telephone and said, “Never

mind, he’s here now,” and hung up. “Where’s Mr. Norton?” he demanded

excitedly. “Is he all right?”

“Yes, sir. I left him at his rooms and came to drive you down. He

wishes to see you.”

“Is anything wrong?” he said, getting up hurriedly and coming around

the desk. I hesitated.

“Well, is there!”

The panicky beating of my heart seemed to blur my vision.

“Not now, sir.”

“Now? What do you mean?”

“Well, sir, he had some kind of fainting spell.”

“Aw, my God! I knew something was wrong. Why didn’t you get in

touch with me?” He grabbed his black homburg, starting for the door. “Come

on!”

I followed him, trying to explain. “He’s all over it now, sir, and we

were too far away for me to phone . . .”

“Why did you take him so far?” he said, moving with great bustling

energy.

“But I drove him where he wanted to go, sir.”

“Where was that?”

“Back of the slave-quarter section,” I said with dread.

“The quarters! Boy, are you a fool? Didn’t you know better than to

take a trustee out there?”

“He asked me to, sir.”

We were going down the walk now, through the spring air, and he

stopped to look at me with exasperation, as though I’d suddenly told him

black was white.

“Damn what he wants,” he said, climbing in the front seat beside me.

“Haven’t you the sense God gave a dog? We take these white folks where we

want them to go, we show them what we want them to see. Don’t you know

that? I thought you had some sense.”

Reaching Rabb Hall, I stopped the car, weak with bewilderment.

“Don’t sit there,” he said. “Come with me!”

Just inside the building I got another shock. As we approached a

mirror Dr. Bledsoe stopped and composed his angry face like a sculptor,

making it a bland mask, leaving only the sparkle of his eyes to betray the

emotion that I had seen only a moment before. He looked steadily at himself

for a moment; then we moved quietly down the silent hall and up the stairs.

A co-ed sat at a graceful table stacked with magazines. Before a great

window stood a large aquarium containing colored stones and a small replica

of a feudal castle surrounded by goldfish that seemed to remain motionless

despite the fluttering of their lacy fins, a momentary motionful suspension of

time.

“Is Mr. Norton in his room?” he said to the girl.

“Yessir, Dr. Bledsoe, sir,” she said. “He said to tell you to come in

when you got here.”

Pausing at the door I heard him clear his throat, then rap softly

upon the panel with his fist.

“Mr. Norton?” he said, his lips already a smile. And at the answer I

followed him inside.

It was a large light room. Mr. Norton sat in a huge wing chair with

his jacket off. A change of clothing lay on the cool bedspread. Above a

spacious fireplace an oil portrait of the Founder looked down at me remotely,

benign, sad, and in that hot instant, profoundly disillusioned. Then a veil

seemed to fall.

“I’ve been worried about you, sir,” Dr. Bledsoe said. “We expected

you at the afternoon session . . .”

Now it’s beginning, I thought. Now —

And suddenly he rushed forward. “Mr. Norton, your head!” he cried,

a strange grandmotherly concern in his voice. “What happened, sir?”

“It’s nothing.” Mr. Norton’s face was immobile. “A mere scratch.”

Dr. Bledsoe whirled around, his face outraged. “Get the doctor over

here,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me that Mr. Norton had been injured?”

“I’ve already taken care of that, sir,” I said softly, seeing him whirl

back.

“Mr. Norton, Mister Norton! I’m so sorry,” he crooned. “I thought I

had sent you a boy who was careful, a sensible young man! Why we’ve never

had an accident before. Never, not in seventy-five years. I assure you, sir,

that he shall be disciplined, severely disciplined!”

“But there was no automobile accident,” Mr. Norton said kindly, “nor

was the boy responsible. You may send him away, we won’t need him now.”

My eyes suddenly filled. I felt a wave of gratitude at his words.

“Don’t be kind, sir,” Dr. Bledsoe said. “You can’t be soft with these

people. We mustn’t pamper them. An accident to a guest of this college while

he is in the charge of a student is without question the student’s fault. That’s

one of our strictest rules!” Then to me: “Return to your dormitory and

remain there until further notice!”

“But it was out of my control, sir,” I said, “just as Mr. Norton said .

. .”

“I’ll explain, young man,” Mr. Norton said with a half-smile.

“Everything will be explained.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, seeing Dr. Bledsoe looking at me with no

change of expression.

“On second thought,” he said, “I want you to be in chapel this

evening, understand me, sir?”

“Yes, sir.”

I opened the door with a cold hand, bumping into the girl who had

been at the table when we went inside.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “Looks like you have old Bucket-head kind of

mad.”

I said nothing as she walked beside me expectantly. A red sun cast

its light upon the campus as I started for my dormitory.

“Will you take a message to my boy friend for me?” she said.

“Who is he?” I said, trying hard to conceal my tension and fear.

“Jack Maston,” she said.

“Okay, he’s in the room next to mine.”

“That’s swell,” she said with a big smile. “The dean put me on duty

so I missed him this afternoon. Just tell him that I said the grass is green . .

.”

“What?”

“The grass is green. It’s our secret code, he’ll understand.”

“The grass is green,” I said.

“That’s it. Thank you, lover,” she said.

I felt like cursing as I watched her hurrying back into the building,

hearing her flat-heeled shoes crunching the graveled walk. Here she was

playing with some silly secret code at the very minute my fate for the resf of

my life was being decided. The grass was green and they’d meet and she’d be

sent home pregnant, but even so, in less disgrace than I . . . If only I knew

what they were saying about me . . . Suddenly I had an idea and ran after

her, into the building and up the stairs.

In the hall, fine dust played in a shaft of sunlight, stirred by her

hurried passing. But she had disappeared. I had thought to ask her to listen

at the door and tell me what was said. I gave it up; if she were discovered,

I’d have that on my conscience too. Besides, I was ashamed for anyone to

know of my predicament, it was too stupid to be believed. Down the long

length of the wide hall I heard someone unseen skipping down the stairs

singing. A girl’s sweet, hopeful voice. I left quietly and hurried to my dorm.

I lay in my room with my eyes closed, trying to think. The tension

gripped my insides. Then I heard someone coming up the hall and stiffened.

Had they sent for me already? Nearby a door opened and closed, leaving me

as tense as ever. To whom could I turn for help? I could think of no one.

No one to whom I could even explain what had happened at the Golden Day.

Everything was upset inside me. And Dr. Bledsoe’s attitude toward Mr.

Norton was the most confusing of all. I dared not repeat what he’d said, for

fear that it would lessen my chances of remaining in school. It just wasn’t

true, I had misunderstood. He couldn’t have said what I thought he had said.

Hadn’t I seen him approach white visitors too often with his hat in hand,

bowing humbly and respectfully? Hadn’t he refused to eat in the dining hall

with white guests of the school, entering only after they had finished and

then refusing to sit down, but remaining standing, his hat in his hand, while

he addressed them eloquently, then leaving with a humble bow? Hadn’t he,

hadn’t he? I had seen him too often as I peeped through the door between

the dining room and the kitchen, I myself. And wasn’t his favorite spiritual

“Live-a-Humble”? And in the chapel on Sunday evenings upon the platform,

hadn’t he always taught us to live content in our place in a thousand

unambiguous words? He had and I had believed him. I had believed without

question his illustrations of the good which came of following the Founder’s

path. It was my affirmation of life and they couldn’t send me away for

something I didn’t do. They simply couldn’t. But that vet! He was so crazy

that he corrupted sane men. He had tried to turn the world inside out,

goddamn him! He had made Mr. Norton angry. He had no right to talk to a

white man as he had, not with me to take the punishment . . .

Someone shook me and I recoiled, my legs moist and trembling. It

was my roommate.

“What the hell, roomy,” he said. “Let’s go to chow.”

I looked at his confident mug; he was going to be a farmer.

“I don’t have an appetite,” I said with a sigh.

“Okay now,” he said, “you can try to kid me but don’t say I didn’t

wake you.”

“No,” I said.

“Who’re you expecting, a broad-butt gal with ballbearing hips?”

“No,” I said.

“You’d better stop that, roomy,” he grinned. “It’ll ruin your health,

make you a moron. You ought to take you a gal and show her how the

moon rises over all that green grass on the Founder’s grave, man . . .”

“Go to hell,” I said.

He left laughing, opening the door to the sound of many footsteps

from the hall: supper time. The sound of departing voices. Something of my

life seemed to retreat with them into a gray distance, moiling. Then a knock

sounded at the door and I sprang up, my heart tense.

A small student wearing a freshman’s cap stuck his head in the door,

shouting, “Dr. Bledsoe said he wants to see you down at Rabb Hall.” And

then he was gone before I could question him, his footsteps thundering down

the hall as he raced to dinner before the last bell sounded.

AT MR. NORTON’S door I stopped with my hand on the knob,

mumbling a prayer.

“Come in, young man,” he said to my knock. He was dressed in

fresh linen, the light falling upon his white hair as upon silk floss. A small

piece of gauze was plastered to his forehead. He was alone.

“I’m sorry, sir,” I apologized, “but I was told that Dr. Bledsoe wanted

to see me here . . .”

“That’s correct,” he said, “but Dr. Bledsoe had to leave. You’ll find

him in his office after chapel.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said and turned to go. He cleared his throat

behind me. “Young man . . .”

I turned hopefully.

“Young man, I have explained to Dr. Bledsoe that you were not at

fault. I believe he understands.”

I was so relieved that at first I could only look at him, a small

silken-haired, white-suited St. Nicholas, seen through misty eyes.

“I certainly do thank you, sir,” I managed finally.

He studied me silently, his eyes slightly narrowed.

“Will you need me this evening, sir?” I asked.

“No, I won’t be needing the machine. Business is taking me away

sooner than I expected. I leave late tonight.”

“I could drive you to the station, sir,” I said hopefully.

“Thank you, but Dr. Bledsoe has already arranged it.”

“Oh,” I said with disappointment. I had hoped that by serving him

the rest of the week I could win back his esteem. Now I would not have the

opportunity.

“Well, I hope you have a pleasant trip, sir,” I said.

“Thank you,” he said, suddenly smiling.

“And maybe next time you come I’ll be able to answer some of the

questions you asked me this afternoon.”

“Questions?” His eyes narrowed.

“Yes, sir, about . . . about your fate,” I said.

“Ah, yes, yes,” he said.

“And I intend to read Emerson, too . . .”

“Very good. Self-reliance is a most worthy virtue. I shall look forward

with the greatest of interest to learning your contribution to my fate.” He

motioned me toward the door. “And don’t forget to see Dr. Bledsoe.”

I left somewhat reassured, but not completely. I still had to face Dr.

Bledsoe. And I had to attend chapel.

Chapter 5

At the sound of vespers I moved across the campus with groups of

students, walking slowly, their voices soft in the mellow dusk. I remember the

yellowed globes of frosted glass making lacy silhouettes on the gravel and the

walk of the leaves and branches above us as we moved slow through the

dusk so restless with scents of lilac, honeysuckle and verbena, and the feel of

spring greenness; and I recall the sudden arpeggios of laughter lilting across

the tender, springtime grass — gay-welling, far-floating, fluent, spontaneous, a

bell-like feminine fluting, then suppressed; as though snuffed swiftly and

irrevocably beneath the quiet solemnity of the vespered air now vibrant with

somber chapel bells. Dong! Dong! Dong! Above the decorous walking around

me, sounds of footsteps leaving the verandas of far-flung buildings and

moving toward the walks and over the walks to the asphalt drives lined with

whitewashed stones, those cryptic messages for men and women, boys and

girls heading quietly toward where the visitors waited, and we moving not in

the mood of worship but of judgment; as though even here in the filtering

dusk, here beneath the deep indigo sky, here, alive with looping swifts and

darting moths, here in the hereness of the night not yet lighted by the moon

that looms blood-red behind the chapel like a fallen sun, its radiance

shedding not upon the here-dusk of twittering bats, nor on the there-night of

cricket and whippoorwill, but focused short-rayed upon our place of

convergence; and we drifting forward with rigid motions, limbs stiff and

voices now silent, as though on exhibit even in the dark, and the moon a

white man’s bloodshot eye.

And I move more rigid than all the others with a sense of judgment;

the vibrations of the chapel bells stirring the depths of my turmoil, moving

toward its nexus with a sense of doom. And I remember the chapel with its

sweeping eaves, long and low as though risen bloody from the earth like the

rising moon; vine-covered and earth-colored as though more earth-sprung

than man-sprung. And my mind rushing for relief away from the spring dusk

and flower scents, away from the time-scene of the crucifixion to the

time-mood of the birth; from spring-dusk and vespers to the high, clear, lucid

moon of winter and snow glinting upon the dwarfed pines where instead of

the bells, the organ and the trombone choir speak carols to the distances

drifted with snow, making of the night air a sea of crystal water lapping the

slumbering land to the farthest reaches of sound, for endless miles, bringing

the new dispensation even to the Golden Day, even unto the house of

madness. But in the hereness of dusk I am moving toward the doomlike bells

through the flowered air, beneath the rising moon.

Into the doors and into the soft lights I go, silently, past the rows of

puritanical benches straight and torturous, finding that to which I am

assigned and bending my body to its agony. There at the head of the

platform with its pulpit and rail of polished brass are the banked and

pyramided heads of the student choir, faces composed and stolid above

uniforms of black and white; and above them, stretching to the ceiling, the

organ pipes looming, a gothic hierarchy of dull gilded gold.

Around me the students move with faces frozen in solemn masks,

and I seem to hear already the voices mechanically raised in the songs the

visitors loved. (Loved? Demanded. Sung? An ultimatum accepted and

ritualized, an allegiance recited for the peace it imparted, and for that

perhaps loved. Loved as the defeated come to love the symbols of their

conquerors. A gesture of acceptance, of terms laid down and reluctantly

approved.) And here, sitting rigid, I remember the evenings spent before the

sweeping platform in awe and in pleasure, and in the pleasure of awe;

remember the short formal sermons intoned from the pulpit there, rendered

in smooth articulate tones, with calm assurance purged of that wild emotion

of the crude preachers most of us knew in our home towns and of whom we

were deeply ashamed, these logical appeals which reached us more like the

thrust of a firm and formal design requiring nothing more than the lucidity

of uncluttered periods, the lulling movement of multisyllabic words to thrill

and console us. And I remember, too, the talks of visiting speakers, all eager

to inform us of how fortunate we were to be a part of the “vast” and formal

ritual. How fortunate to belong to this family sheltered from those lost in

ignorance and darkness.

Here upon this stage the black rite of Horatio Alger was performed

to God’s own acting script, with millionaires come down to portray

themselves; not merely acting out the myth of their goodness, and wealth and

success and power and benevolence and authority in cardboard masks, but

themselves, these virtues concretely! Not the wafer and the wine, but the flesh

and the blood, vibrant and alive, and vibrant even when stooped, ancient and

withered. (And who, in face of this, would not believe? Could even doubt?)

And I remember too, how we confronted those others, those who had

set me here in this Eden, whom we knew though we didn’t know, who were

unfamiliar in their familiarity, who trailed their words to us through blood

and violence and ridicule and condescension with drawling smiles, and who

exhorted and threatened, intimidated with innocent words as they described to

us the limitations of our lives and the vast boldness of our aspirations, the

staggering folly of our impatience to rise even higher; who, as they talked,

aroused furtive visions within me of blood-froth sparkling their chins like

their familiar tobacco juice, and upon their lips the curdled milk of a million

black slave mammies’ withered dugs, a treacherous and fluid knowledge of

our being, imbibed at our source and now regurgitated foul upon us. This

was our world, they said as they described it to us, this our horizon and its

earth, its seasons and its climate, its spring and its summer, and its fall and

harvest some unknown millennium ahead; and these its floods and cyclones

and they themselves our thunder and lightning; and this we must accept and

love and accept even if we did not love. We must accept — even when those

were absent, and the men who made the railroads and ships and towers of

stone, were before our eyes, in the flesh, their voices different, unweighted

with recognizable danger and their delight in our songs more sincere seeming,

their regard for our welfare marked by an almost benign and impersonal

indifference. But the words of the others were stronger than the strength of

philanthropic dollars, deeper than shafts sunk in the earth for oil and gold,

more awe-inspiring than the miracles fabricated in scientific laboratories. For

their most innocent words were acts of violence to which we of the campus

were hypersensitive though we endured them not.

And there on the platform I too had stridden and debated, a student

leader directing my voice at the highest beams and farthest rafters, ringing

them, the accents staccato upon the ridgepole and echoing back with a

tinkling, like words hurled to the trees of a wilderness, or into a well of

slate-gray water; more sound than sense, a play upon the resonances of

buildings, an assault upon the temples of the ear:

Ha! to the gray-haired matron in the final row. Ha! Miss Susie, Miss

Susie Gresham, back there looking at that co-ed smiling at that he-ed —

listen to me, the bungling bugler of words, imitating the trumpet and the

trombone’s timbre, playing thematic variations like a baritone horn. Hey! old

connoisseur of voice sounds, of voices without messages, of newsless winds,

listen to the vowel sounds and the crackling dentals, to the low harsh

gutturals of empty anguish, now riding the curve of a preacher’s rhythm I

heard long ago in a Baptist church, stripped now of its imagery: No suns

having hemorrhages, no moons weeping tears, no earthworms refusing the

sacred flesh and dancing in the earth on Easter morn. Ha! singing

achievement, Ha! booming success, intoning, Ha! acceptance, Ha! a river of

word-sounds filled with drowned passions, floating, Ha! with wrecks of

unachievable ambitions and stillborn revolts, sweeping their ears, Ha! ranged

stiff before me, necks stretched forward with listening ears, Ha! a-spraying the

ceiling and a-drumming the dark-stained after rafter, that seasoned crossarm

of torturous timber mellowed in the kiln of a thousand voices; playing Ha! as

upon a xylophone; words marching like the student band, up the campus and

down again, blaring triumphant sounds empty of triumphs. Hey, Miss Susie!

the sound of words that were no words, counterfeit notes singing

achievements yet unachieved, riding upon the wings of my voice out to you,

old matron, who knew the voice sounds of the Founder and knew the accents

and echo of his promise; your gray old head cocked with the young around

you, your eyes closed, face ecstatic, as I toss the word sounds in my breath,

my bellows, my fountain, like bright-colored balls in a water spout — hear

me, old matron, justify now this sound with your dear old nod of affirmation,

your closed-eye smile and bow of recognition, who’ll never be fooled with the

mere content of words, not my words, not these pinfeathered flighters that

stroke your lids till they flutter with ecstasy with but the mere echoed noise

of the promise. And after the singing and outward marching, you seize my

hand and sing out quavering, “Boy, some day you’ll make the Founder

proud.” Ha! Susie Gresham, Mother Gresham, guardian of the hot young

women on the puritan benches who couldn’t see your Jordan’s water for their

private steam; you, relic of slavery whom the campus loved but did not

understand, aged, of slavery, yet bearer of something warm and vital and

all-enduring, of which in that island of shame we were not ashamed — it was

to you on the final row I directed my rush of sound, and it was you of

whom I thought with shame and regret as I waited for the ceremony to

begin.

The honored guests moved silently upon the platform, herded toward

their high, carved chairs by Dr. Bledsoe with the decorum of a portly head

waiter. Like some of the guests, he wore striped trousers and a swallow-tail

coat with black-braided lapels topped by a rich ascot tie. It was his regular

dress for such occasions, yet for all its elegance, he managed to make himself

look humble. Somehow, his trousers inevitably bagged at the knees and the

coat slouched in the shoulders. I watched him smiling at first one and then

another of the guests, of whom all but one were white; and as I saw him

placing his hand upon their arms, touching their backs, whispering to a tall

angular-faced trustee who in turn touched his arm familiarly, I felt a shudder.

I too had touched a white man today and I felt that it had been disastrous,

and I realized then that he was the only one of us whom I knew — except

perhaps a barber or a nursemaid — who could touch a white man with

impunity. And I remembered too that whenever white guests came upon the

platform he placed his hand upon them as though exercising a powerful

magic. I watched his teeth flash as he took a white hand; then, with all

seated, he went to his place at the end of the row of chairs.

Several terraces of students’ faces above them, the organist, his eyes

glinting at the console, was waiting with his head turned over his shoulder,

and I saw Dr. Bledsoe, his eyes roaming over the audience, suddenly nod

without turning his head. It was as though he had given a downbeat with an

invisible baton. The organist turned and hunched his shoulders. A high

cascade of sound bubbled from the organ, spreading, thick and clinging, over

the chapel, slowly surging. The organist twisted and turned on his bench,

with his feet flying beneath him as though dancing to rhythms totally

unrelated to the decorous thunder of his organ.

And Dr. Bledsoe sat with a benign smile of inward concentration. Yet

his eyes were darting swiftly, first over the rows of students, then over the

section reserved for teachers, his swift glance carrying a threat for all. For he

demanded that everyone attend these sessions. It was here that policy was

announced in broadest rhetoric. I seemed to feel his eyes resting upon my

face as he swept the section in which I sat. I looked at the guests on the

platform; they sat with that alert relaxation with which they always met our

upturned eyes. I wondered to which of them I might go to intercede for me

with Dr. Bledsoe, but within myself I knew that there was no one.

In spite of the array of important men beside him, and despite the

posture of humility and meekness which made him seem smaller than the

others (although he was physically larger), Dr. Bledsoe made his presence felt

by us with a far greater impact. I remembered the legend of how he had

come to the college, a barefoot boy who in his fervor for education had

trudged with his bundle of ragged clothing across two states. And how he was

given a job feeding slop to the hogs but had made himself the best slop

dispenser in the history of the school; and how the Founder had been

impressed and made him his office boy. Each of us knew of his rise over

years of hard work to the presidency, and each of us at some time wished

that he had walked to the school or pushed a wheelbarrow or performed

some other act of determination and sacrifice to attest his eagerness for

knowledge. I remembered the admiration and fear he inspired in everyone on

the campus; the pictures in the Negro press captioned “EDUCATOR,” in type

that exploded like a rifle shot, his face looking out at you with utmost

confidence. To us he was more than just a president of a college. He was a

leader, a “statesman” who carried our problems to those above us, even unto

the White House; and in days past he had conducted the President himself

about the campus. He was our leader and our magic, who kept the

endowment high, the funds for scholarships plentiful and publicity moving

through the channels of the press. He was our coal-black daddy of whom we

were afraid.

As the organ voices died, I saw a thin brown girl arise noiselessly

with the rigid control of a modern dancer, high in the upper rows of the

choir, and begin to sing a cappella. She began softly, as though singing to

herself of emotions of utmost privacy, a sound not addressed to the gathering,

but which they overheard almost against her will. Gradually she increased its

volume, until at times the voice seemed to become a disembodied force that

sought to enter her, to violate her, shaking her, rocking her rhythmically, as

though it had become the source of her being, rather than the fluid web of

her own creation.

I saw the guests on the platform turn to look behind them, to see

the thin brown girl in white choir robe standing high against the organ pipes,

herself become before our eyes a pipe of contained, controlled and sublimated

anguish, a thin plain face transformed by music. I could not understand the

words, but only the mood, sorrowful, vague and ethereal, of the singing. It

throbbed with nostalgia, regret and repentance, and I sat with a lump in my

throat as she sank slowly down; not a sitting but a controlled collapsing, as

though she were balancing, sustaining the simmering bubble of her final tone

by some delicate rhythm of her heart’s blood, or by some mystic

concentration of her being, focused upon the sound through the contained

liquid of her large uplifted eyes.

There was no applause, only the appreciation of a profound silence.

The white guests exchanged smiles of approval. I sat thinking of the dread

possibility of having to leave all this, of being expelled; imagining the return

home and the rebukes of my parents. I looked out at the scene now from far

back in my despair, seeing the platform and its actors as through a reversed

telescope; small doll-like figures moving through some meaningless ritual.

Someone up there, above the alternating moss-dry and grease-slick heads of

the students rowed before me, was making announcements from a lectern on

which a dim light shone. Another figure rose and led a prayer. Someone

spoke. Then around me everyone was singing Lead me, lead me to a rock

that is higher than I. And as though the sound contained some force more

imperious than the image of the scene of which it was the living connective

tissue, I was pulled back to its immediacy.

One of the guests had risen to speak. A man of striking ugliness; fat,

with a bullet-head set on a short neck, with a nose much too wide for its

face, upon which he wore black-lensed glasses. He had been seated next to

Dr. Bledsoe, but so concerned had I been with the president that I hadn’t

really seen him. My eyes had focused only upon the white men and Dr.

Bledsoe. So that now as he arose and crossed slowly to the center of the

platform, I had the notion that part of Dr. Bledsoe had arisen and moved

forward, leaving his other part smiling in the chair.

He stood before us relaxed, his white collar gleaming like a band

between his black face and his dark garments, dividing his head from his

body; his short arms crossed before his barrel, like a black little Buddha’s.

For a moment he stood with his large head lifted, as though thinking; then

he began speaking, his voice round and vibrant as he told of his pleasure in

being allowed to visit the school once more after many years. Having been

preaching in a northern city, he had seen it last in the final days of the

Founder, when Dr. Bledsoe was the “second in command.” “Those were

wonderful days,” he droned. “Significant days. Days filled with great portent.”

As he talked he made a cage of his hands by touching his fingertips,

then with his small feet pressing together, he began a slow, rhythmic rocking;

tilting forward on his toes until it seemed he would fall, then back on his

heels, the lights catching his black-lensed glasses until it seemed that his head

floated free of his body and was held close to it only by the white band of

his collar. And as he tilted he talked until a rhythm was established.

Then he was renewing the dream in our hearts:

“. . . this barren land after Emancipation,” he intoned, “this land of

darkness and sorrow, of ignorance and degradation, where the hand of

brother had been turned against brother, father against son, and son against

father; where master had turned against slave and slave against master; where

all was strife and darkness, an aching land. And into this land came a

humble prophet, lowly like the humble carpenter of Nazareth, a slave and a

son of slaves, knowing only his mother. A slave born, but marked from the

beginning by a high intelligence and princely personality; born in the lowest

part of this barren, war-scarred land, yet somehow shedding light upon it

where’er he passed through. I’m sure you have heard of his precarious

infancy, his precious life almost destroyed by an insane cousin who splashed

the babe with lye and shriveled his seed and how, a mere babe, he lay nine

days in a deathlike coma and then suddenly and miraculously recovered. You

might say that it was as though he had risen from the dead or been reborn.

“Oh, my young friends,” he cried, beaming, “my young friends, it is

indeed a beautiful story. I’m sure you’ve heard it many times: Recall how he

came upon his initial learning through shrewd questioning of his little

masters, the elder masters never suspecting; and how he learned his alphabet

and taught himself to read and solve the secret of words, going instinctively

to the Holy Bible with its great wisdom for his first knowledge. And you

know how he escaped and made his way across mountain and valley to that

place of learning and how he persisted and worked noontimes, nights and

mornings for the privilege of studying, or, as the old folk would say, of

‘rubbing his head against the college wall.’ You know of his brilliant career,

how already he was a moving orator; then his penniless graduation and his

return after years to this country.

“And then his great struggle beginning. Picture it, my young friends:

The clouds of darkness all over the land, black folk and white folk full of

fear and hate, wanting to go forward, but each fearful of the other. A whole

region is caught in a terrible tension. Everyone is perplexed with the question

of what must be done to dissolve this fear and hatred that crouched over the

land like a demon waiting to spring, and you know how he came and showed

them the way. Oh, yes, my friends. I’m sure you’ve heard it time and time

again; of this godly man’s labors, his great humility and his undimming

vision, the fruits of which you enjoy today; concrete, made flesh; his dream,

conceived in the starkness and darkness of slavery, fulfilled now even in the

air you breathe, in the sweet harmonies of your blended voices, in the

knowledge which each of you — daughters and granddaughters, sons and

grandsons, of slaves — all of you partaking of it in bright and well-equipped

classrooms. You must see this slave, this black Aristotle, moving slowly, with

sweet patience, with a patience not of mere man, but of God-inspired faith —

see him moving slowly as he surmounts each and every opposition. Rendering

unto Caesar that which was Caesar’s, yes; but steadfastly seeking for you that

bright horizon which you now enjoy . . .

“All this,” he said, spreading his fingers palm down before him, “has

been told and retold throughout the land, inspiring a humble but fast-rising

people. You have heard it, and it — this true story of rich implication, this

living parable of proven glory and humble nobility — and it, as I say, has

made you free. Even you who have come to this shrine only this semester

know it. You have heard his name from your parents, for it was he who led

them to the path, guiding them like a great captain; like that great pilot of

ancient times who led his people safe and unharmed across the bottom of the

blood-red sea. And your parents followed this remarkable man across the

black sea of prejudice, safely out of the land of ignorance, through the storms

of fear and anger, shouting, LET MY PEOPLE GO! when it was necessary,

whispering it during those times when whispering was wisest. And he was

heard.”

I listened, my back pressing against the hard bench, with a

numbness, my emotions woven into his words as upon a loom.

“And remember how,” he said, “when he entered a certain state at

cotton-picking time, his enemies had plotted to take his life. And recall how

during his journey he was stopped by the strange figure of a man whose

pitted features revealed no inkling of whether he was black or white . . .

Some say he was a Greek. Some a Mongolian. Others a mulatto — and others

still, a simple white man of God. Whoever, and whatsoever, and we must not

rule out the possibility of an emissary direct from above — oh, yes! — and

remember how he appeared suddenly, startling both Founder and horse as he

gave warning, telling the Founder to leave the horse and buggy there in the

road and proceed immediately to a certain cabin, then slipped silently away,

so silently, my young friends, that the Founder doubted his very existence.

And you know how the great man continued through the dusk, determined

though puzzled as he approached the town. He was lost, lost in reverie until

the crack of the first rifle sounded, then the almost fatal volley that creased

his skull — oh my! — and left him stunned and apparently lifeless.

“I have heard him tell with his own lips how consciousness returned

while they were still upon him examining their foul deed, and how he lay

biting his heart lest they hear it and wipe out their failure with a

coup-de-grace, as the French would say. Ha! And I’m sure you’ve each of you

lived with him through his escape,” he said, seeming to look directly into my

watered eyes. “You awakened when he awakened, rejoiced when he rejoiced at

their leaving without further harm; arising when he arose; seeing with his

eyes the prints of their milling footsteps and the cartridges dropped in the

dust about the imprint of his fallen body; yes, and the cold, dust-encrusted,

but not quite fatal blood. And you hurried with him full of doubt to the

cabin designated by the stranger, where he met that seemingly demented

black man . . . You remember that old one, laughed at by the children in the

town’s square, old, comic-faced, crafty, cotton-headed. And yet it was he who

bound up your wounds with the wounds of the Founder. He, the old slave,

showing a surprising knowledge of such matters — germology and scabology —

ha! ha! — he called it, and what a youthful skill of the hands! For he shaved

our skull, and cleansed our wound and bound it neat with bandages stolen

from the home of an unsuspecting leader of the mob, ha! And you recall how

you plunged with the Founder, the Leader, deep into the black art of escape,

guided at first, indeed, initiated, by the seemingly demented one who had

learned his craft in slavery. You left with the Founder in the black of night,

and I know it. You hurried silently along the river bottom, stung by

mosquitoes, hooted by owls, zoomed by bats, buzzed by snakes that rattled

among the rocks, mud and fever, darkness and sighing. You hid all the

following day in the cabin where thirteen slept in three small rooms, standing

until darkness in the fireplace chimney, back in all the soot and ashes — ha!

ha! — guarded by the granny who dozed at the hearth seemingly without a

fire. You stood in the blackness and when they came with their baying

hounds they thought her demented. But she knew, she knew! She knew the

fire! She knew the fire! She knew the fire that burned without consuming!

My God, yes!”

“My God, yes!” a woman’s voice responded, adding to the structure

of his vision within me.

“And you left with him in the morning, hidden in a wagonload of

cotton, in the very center of the fleece, where you breathed the hot air

through the barrel of the emergency shotgun; the cartridges, which thank God

it was unnecessary to use, held fanwise and ready between the spread fingers

of your hand. And you went into this town with him and were hidden by the

friendly aristocrat one night, and on the next by the white blacksmith who

held no hatred — surprising contradictions of the underground. Escaping, yes!

helped by those who knew you and those who didn’t know. Because for some

it was enough to see him; others helped without even that, black and white.

But mostly it was our own who aided, because you were their own and we

have always helped our own. And so, my young friends, my sisters and

brothers, you went with him, in and out of cabins, by night and early

morning, through swamps and hills. On and on, passed from black hand to

black hand and some white hands, and all the hands molding the Founder’s

freedom and our own freedom like voices shaping a deep-felt song. And you,

each of you, were with him. Ah, how well you know it, for it was you who

escaped to freedom. Ah, yes, and you know the story.”

I saw him resting now, and beaming out across the chapel, his huge

head turning to all its corners like a beacon, his voice still echoing as I

fought back my emotion. For the first time the evocation of the Founder

saddened me, and the campus seemed to rush past me, fast retreating, like

the fading of a dream at the sundering of slumber. Beside me, the student’s

eyes swam with a distorting cataract of tears, his features rigid as though he

struggled within himself. The fat man was playing upon the whole audience

without the least show of exertion. He seemed completely composed, hidden

behind his black-lensed glasses, only his mobile features gesturing his vocal

drama. I nudged the boy beside me.

“Who is he?” I whispered.

He gave me a look of annoyance, almost of outrage. “Reverend

Homer A. Barbee, Chicago,” he said.

Now the speaker rested his arm upon the lectern and turned toward

Dr. Bledsoe:

“You’ve heard the bright beginning of the beautiful story, my friends.

But there is the mournful ending, and perhaps in many ways the richer side.

The setting of this glorious son of the morning.”

He turned to Dr. Bledsoe, “It was a fateful day, Dr. Bledsoe, sir, if I

may recall it to you, for we were there. Oh yes, my young friends,” he said,

turning to face us again with a sad proud smile. “I knew him well and loved

him, and I was there.

“We had toured through several states to which he was carrying the

message. The people had come to hear the prophet, the multitude had

responded. The old-fashioned people; women in aprons and Mother Hubbards

of calico and gingham, men in their overalls and patched alpacas; a sea of

upturned and puzzled faces looking out from beneath old battered straw hats

and limp sunbonnets. They who had come by oxen and mule team and by

walking long distances. It was the month of September and unseasonably

cold. He had spoken peace and confidence into their troubled souls, had set a

star before them and we were passing on to other scenes, still carrying the

message.

“Ah, those days of ceaseless travel, those youthful days, those

springtime days; fertile, blossomy, sun-filled days of promise. Ah, yes, those

indescribably glorious days, in which the Founder was building the dream not

only here in this then barren valley, but hither and yonder throughout the

land, instilling the dream in the hearts of the people. Erecting the scaffolding

of a nation. Broadcasting his message that fell like seed on tallow ground,

sacrificing himself, fighting and forgiving his enemies of both complexions-oh

yes, he had them, of both complexions. But going forward filled with the

importance of his message, filled with his dedicated mission; and in his zeal,

perhaps in his mortal pride, ignoring the advice of his physician. I see in my

mind’s eye the fatal atmosphere of that jam-packed auditorium: The Founder

holds the audience within the gentle palm of his eloquence, rocking it,

soothing it, instructing it; and there below, the rapt faces blushed by the glow

of the big pot-bellied stove now turned cherry-red with its glowing; yes, the

spellbound rows caught in the imperious truth of his message. And I hear

now, again, the great humming hush as his voice reached the end of a

mighty period, and one of the listeners, a snowy-headed man, leaps to his

feet crying out, ‘Tell us what is to be done, sir! For God’s sake, tell us! Tell

us in the name of the son they snatched from me last week!’ And all through

the room the voices arising, imploring, ‘Tell us, tell us!’ And the Founder is

suddenly mute with tears.”

Old Barbee’s voice rang out, as suddenly he made charged and

incomplete movements about the platform, acting out his words. And I

watched with a sick fascination, knowing part of the story, yet a part of me

fighting against its sad inevitable conclusion.

“And the Founder pauses, then steps forward with his eyes spilling

his great emotion. With his arm upraised, he begins to answer and totters.

Then all is commotion. We rush forward and lead him away.

“The audience leaps to its feet in consternation. All is terror and

turmoil, a moan and a sighing. Until, like a clap of thunder, I hear Dr.

Bledsoe’s voice ring out whip-like with authority, a song of hope. And as we

stretch the Founder upon a bench to rest, I hear Dr. Bledsoe stomping out

the time with mighty strokes upon the hollow platform, commanding not in

words but in the great gut-tones of his magnificent basso — oh, but wasn’t he

a singer? Isn’t he a singer still today? — and they stand, they calm, and with

him they sing out against the tottering of their giant. Sing out their long

black songs of blood and bones:

“Meaning HOPE!

“Of hardship and pain:

“Meaning FAITH!

“Of humbleness and absurdity:

“Meaning ENDURANCE!

“Of ceaseless struggle in darkness, meaning:

“TRIUMPH . . .

“Ha!” Barbee cried, slapping his hands, “Ha! Singing verse after

verse, until the leader revived!” (Slap, slap of his hands.)

“Addressed them” —

(Slap!) “My God, my God!

“Assured them” — (Slap!)

“That” — (Slap!)

“He was only tired of his ceaseless efforts.” (Slap!) “Yes, and

dismisses them, sending each on his way rejoicing, giving each a parting

handshake of fellowship . . .”

I watched Barbee pace in a semicircle, his lips compressed, his face

working with emotion, his palms meeting but making no sound.

“Ah, those days in which he tilled his mighty fields, those days in

which he watched the crops take hold and grow, those youthful, summery,

sun-bright days . . .”

Barbee’s voice sighed off in nostalgia. The chapel hardly breathed as

he sighed deeply. Then I watched him produce a snowy handkerchief, remove

his dark glasses and wipe his eyes, and through the increasing distance of my

isolation, I watched the men in the seats of honor slowly shake their

spellbound heads. Then Barbee’s voice began again, disembodied now, and it

was as though he had never paused, as though his words, reverberating

within us, had continued their rhythmic flow though their source was for a

moment stilled:

“Oh, yes, my young friends, oh, yes,” he continued with a great

sadness. “Man’s hope can paint a purple picture, can transform a soaring

vulture into a noble eagle or a moaning dove. Oh, yes! But I knew,” he

shouted, startling me. “In spite of that great, anguished hope within me, I

knew — knew that the great spirit was declining, was approaching its lonely

winter; the great sun going down. For sometimes it is given one to know

these things . . . And I staggered under the awful burden of that knowledge

and I cursed myself because I bore it. But such was the Founder’s enthusiasm

— oh, yes! — that as we sped from country town to country town through the

glorious Indian summer, I soon forgot. And then . . . And then . . . and . . .

then . . .”

I listened to his voice fall to a whisper; his hands were outspread as

though he were leading an orchestra into a profound and final diminuendo.

Then his voice rose again, crisply, almost matter-of-factly, accelerated:

“I remember the start of the train, how it seemed to groan as it

started up the steep grade into the mountain. It was cold. Frost formed its

icy patterns upon the window’s edges. And the whistle of the train was

long-drawn and lonely, a sigh issuing from the depths of the mountain.

“In the car up ahead, in the Pullman assigned him by the very

president of the line, the Leader lay tossing. He had been struck with a

sudden and mysterious sickness. And I knew in spite of the anguish within

me that the sun goeth down, for the heavens themselves conveyed that

knowledge. The rush of the train, the clicking of wheels upon the steel. I

remember how I looked out of the frosted pane and saw the looming great

North Star and lost it, as though the sky had shut its eye. The train was

curving the mountain, the engine loping like a great black hound, parallel

with the last careening cars, panting forth its pale white vapor as it hurled us

ever higher. And shortly the sky was black, without a moon . . .”

As his “mooo-o-on” echoed over the chapel, he drew his chin against

his chest until his white collar disappeared, leaving him a figure of balanced

unbroken blackness, and I could hear the rasp of air as he inhaled.

“It was as though the very constellations knew our impending

sorrow,” he bugled, his head raised to the ceiling, his voice full-throated. “For

against that great — wide — sweep of sable there came the burst of a single

jewel-like star, and I saw it shimmer, and break, and streak down the cheek

of that coal-black sky like a reluctant and solitary tear . . .”

He shook his head with great emotion, his lips pursed as he moaned,

“Mmmmmmmmmm,” turning toward Dr. Bledsoe as though he did not quite

see him. “At that fateful moment . . . Mmmmmm, I sat with your great

president . . . Mmmmmmmmmm! He was deep in meditation as we awaited

word from the men of science, and he said to me of that dying star,

” ‘Barbee, friend, did you see?’

“And I answered, ‘Yes, Doctor, I saw.’

“And at our throats already we felt the cold hands of sorrow. And I

said to Dr. Bledsoe, ‘Let us pray.’ And as we knelt there on the swaying floor

our words were less prayers than sounds of mute and terrible sorrow. And it

was then, as we pulled to our feet, staggering with the motion of that

speeding train, that we saw the physician moving toward us. And we looked

with bated breath into the blank and expressionless features of the man of

science, asking with our total beings: Do you bring us hope or disaster? And

it was then and there he informed us that the Leader was nearing his

destination . . .

“It was said, the cruel blow had fallen and we were left numb, but

the Founder was still for the moment with us and still in command. And, of

all in the traveling party, he sent for him who sits there before you, and for

me as a man of God. But he wanted mainly his friend of midnight

consultations, his comrade of many battles, who over the weary years had

remained steadfast in defeat as in victory.

“Even now I can see it, the dark passage lit with dim lights and Dr.

Bledsoe swaying as he went before me. At the door stood the porter and the

conductor, a black man and a white man of the South, both crying. Both

weeping. And he looked up as we entered, his great eyes resigned but still

aflame with nobility and courage against the white of his pillow; and he

looked at his friend and smiled. Smiled warmly at his old campaigner, his

loyal champion, his adjunct, that marvelous singer of the old songs who had

rallied his spirit during times of distress and discouragement, who with his

singing of the old familiar melodies soothed the doubts and fears of the

multitude; he who had rallied the ignorant, the fearful and suspicious, those

still wrapped in the rags of slavery; him, there, your leader, who calmed the

children of the storm. And as the Founder looked up at his companion, he

smiled. And reaching out his hand to his friend and companion as I now

stretch out my hand to you, he said, ‘Come closer. Come closer.’ And he

moved closer, until he stood beside the berth, and the light slanting across

his shoulder as he knelt beside him. And the hand reached out and gently

touched him and he said, ‘Now, you must take on the burden. Lead them the

rest of the way.’ And oh, the cry of that train and the pain too big for tears!

“When the train reached the summit of the mountain, he was no

longer with us. And as the train dropped down the grade he had departed.

“It had become a veritable train of sorrow. Dr. Bledsoe there, sat

weary in mind and heavy of heart. What should he do? The Leader was dead

and he thrown suddenly at the head of the troops like a cavalryman

catapulted into the saddle of his general felled in a charge of battle-vaulted

onto the back of his fiery and half-broken charger. Ah! And that great, black,

noble beast, wall-eyed with the din of battle and twitching already with its

sense of loss. What command should he give? Should he return with his

burden, home, to where already the hot wires were flashing, speaking, rattling

the mournful message? Should he turn and bear the fallen soldier down the

cold and alien mountain to this valley home? Return with the dear eyes

dulled, the firm hand still, the magnificent voice silent, the Leader cold?

Return to the warm valley, to the green grounds he could no longer light

with his mortal vision? Should he follow his Leader’s vision though he had

now himself departed?

“Ah, of course you know the story: How he bore the body into the

strange city, and the speech he made as his Leader lay in state, and how

when the sad news spread, a day of mourning was declared for the whole

municipality. Oh, and how rich and poor, black and white, weak and

powerful, young and old, all came to pay their homage-many realizing the

Leader’s worth and their loss only now with his passing. And how, with his

mission done, Dr. Bledsoe returned, keeping his sorrowful vigil with his friend

in an humble baggage car; and how the people came to pay their respects at

the stations . . . A slow train. A sorrowful train. And all along the line, in

mountain and valley, wherever the rails found their fateful course, the people

were one in their common mourning, and like the cold steel rails, were

spiked down to their sorrow. Oh, what a sad departure!

“And what an even sadder arrival. See with me, my young friends,

hear with me: The weeping and wailing of those who shared his labors. Their

sweet Leader returned to them, rock-cold in the iron immobility of death. He

who had left them quick, in the prime of his manhood, author of their own

fire and illumination, returned to them cold, already a bronzed statue. Oh,

the despair, my young friends. The black despair of black people! I see them

now; wandering about these grounds, where each brick, each bird, each blade

of grass was a reminder of some precious memory; and each memory a

hammer stroke driving home the blunt spikes of their sorrow. Oh, yes, some

now are here gray-haired among you, still dedicated to his vision, still

laboring in the vineyard. But then with the black-draped coffin lying in state

among them — inescapably reminding them — they felt the dark night of

slavery settling once more upon them. They smelt that old obscene stink of

darkness, that old slavery smell, worse than the rank halitosis of hoary death.

Their sweet light enclosed in a black-draped coffin, their majestic sun

snatched behind a cloud.

“Oh, and the sad sound of weeping bugles! I can hear them now,

stationed at the four corners of the campus, sounding taps for the fallen

general; announcing and re-announcing the sad tidings, telling and retelling

the sad revelation one to the other across the still numbness of the air, as

though they could not believe it, could neither comprehend nor accept it;

bugles weeping like a family of tender women lamenting their loved one. And

the people came to sing the old songs and to express their unspeakable

sorrow. Black, black, black! Black people in blacker mourning, the funeral

crape hung upon their naked hearts; singing unashamedly their black folk’s

songs of sorrow, moving painfully, overflowing the curving walks, weeping and

wailing beneath the drooping trees and their low murmuring voices like the

moans of winds in a wilderness. And finally they gathered on the hill slope

and as far as the tear-wet eyes could see, they stood with their heads bowed,

singing.

“Then silence. The lonesome hole banked with poignant flowers. The

dozen white-gloved hands waiting taut upon the silken ropes. That awful

silence. The final words are spoken. A single wild rose tossed farewell, bursts

slowly, its petals drifting snowlike upon the reluctantly lowered coffin. Then

down into the earth; back to the ancient dust; back to the cold black clay . .

. mother . . . of us all.”

As Barbee paused the silence was so complete that I could hear the

power engines far across the campus throbbing the night like an excited

pulse. Somewhere in the audience an old woman’s voice began a plaintive

wail; the birth of a sad, untormulated song that died stillborn in a sob.

Barbee stood with his head thrown back, his arms rigid at his sides,

his fists clenched as though fighting desperately for control. Dr. Bledsoe sat

with his face in his hands. Near me someone blew his nose. Barbee took a

tottering step forward.

“Oh, yes. Oh, yes,” he said. “Oh, yes. That too is part of the glorious

story. But think of it not as a death, but as a birth. A great seed had been

planted. A seed which has continued to put forth its fruit in its season as

surely as if the great creator had been resurrected. For in a sense he was, if

not in the flesh, in the spirit. And in a sense in the flesh too. For has not

your present leader become his living agent, his physical presence? Look

about you if you doubt it. My young friends, my dear young friends! How

can I tell you what manner of man this is who leads you? How can I convey

to you how well he has kept his pledge to the Founder, how conscientious

has been his stewardship?

“First, you must see the school as it was. Already a great institution,

to be sure; but then the buildings were eight, now they are twenty; then the

faculty was fifty, now it is two hundred; then the student body was a few

hundred, where now I’m told you are three thousand. And now where you

have roads of asphalt for the passage of rubber tires, then the roads were of

crushed stone for the passage of oxen, and mule teams, and horse-drawn

wagons. I have not the words to tell you how my heart swelled to return to

this great institution after so great a while to move among its wealth of green

things, its fruitful farmland and fragrant campus. Ah! and the marvelous plant

supplying power to an area larger than many towns — all operated by black

hands. Thus, my young friends, does the light of the Founder still burn. Your

leader has kept his promise a thousandfold. I commend him in his own right,

for he is the co-architect of a great and noble experiment. He is a worthy

successor to his great friend and it is no accident that his great and

intelligent leadership has made him our leading statesman. This is a form of

greatness worthy of your imitation. I say to you, pattern yourselves upon him.

Aspire, each of you, to some day follow in his footsteps. Great deeds are yet

to be performed. For we are a young, though a fast-rising, people. Legends

are still to be created. Be not afraid to undertake the burdens of your leader,

and the work of the Founder will be one of ever unfolding glory, the history

of the race a saga of mounting triumphs.”

Barbee stood with his arms outstretched now, beaming over the

audience, his Buddha-like body still as an onyx boulder. There was sniffling

throughout the chapel. Voices murmured with admiration and I felt more lost

than ever. For a few minutes old Barbee had made me see the vision and

now I knew that leaving the campus would be like the parting of flesh. I

watched him lower his arms now and start back to his chair, moving slowly

with his head cocked as though listening to distant music. I had lowered my

head to wipe my eyes when I heard the shocked gasp arise.

Looking up, I saw two of the white trustees moving swiftly across the

platform to where Barbee floundered upon Dr. Bledsoe’s legs. The old man

slid forward upon his hands and knees as the two white men took his arms;

and now as he stood I saw one of them reach for something on the floor

and place it in his hands. It was when he raised his head that I saw it. For

a swift instant, between the gesture and the opaque glitter of his glasses, I

saw the blinking of sightless eyes. Homer A. Barbee was blind.

Uttering apologies, Dr. Bledsoe helped him to his chair. Then as the

old man rested back with a smile, Dr. Bledsoe walked to the edge of the

platform and lifted his arms. I closed my eyes as I heard the deep moaning

sound that issued from him, and the rising crescendo of the student body

joining in. This time it was music sincerely felt, not rendered for the guests,

but for themselves; a song of hope and exaltation. I wanted to rush from the

building, but didn’t dare. I sat stiff and erect, supported by the hard bench,

relying upon it as upon a form of hope.

I could not look at Dr. Bledsoe now, because old Barbee had made

me both feel my guilt and accept it. For although I had not intended it, any

act that endangered the continuity of the dream was an act of treason.

I did not listen to the next speaker, a tall white man who kept

dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief and repeating his phrases in an

emotional and inarticulate manner. Then the orchestra played excerpts from

Dvorak’s New World Symphony and I kept hearing “Swing Low Sweet

Chariot” resounding through its dominant theme — my mother’s and

grandfather’s favorite spiritual. It was more than I could stand, and before the

next speaker could begin I hurried past the disapproving eyes of teachers and

matrons, out into the night.

A mockingbird trilled a note from where it perched upon the hand of

the moonlit Founder, flipping its moon-mad tail above the head of the

eternally kneeling slave. I went up the shadowy drive, heard it trill behind

me. The street lamps glowed brilliant in the moonlit dream of the campus,

each light serene in its cage of shadows.

I might well have waited until the end of the services, for I hadn’t

gone far when I heard the dim, bright notes of the orchestra striking up a

march, followed by a burst of voices as the students filed out into the night.

With a feeling of dread I headed for the administration building, and upon

reaching it, stood in the darkened doorway. My mind fluttered like the moths

that veiled the street lamp which cast shadows upon the bank of grass below

me. I would now have my real interview with Dr. Bledsoe, and I recalled

Barbee’s address with resentment. With such words fresh in his mind, I was

sure Dr. Bledsoe would be far less sympathetic to my plea. I stood in that

darkened doorway trying to probe my future if I were expelled. Where would

I go, what would I do? How could I ever return home?

Chapter 6

Down the sloping lawn below me the male students moved toward

their dormitories, seeming far away from me now, remote, and each shadowy

form vastly superior to me, who had by some shortcoming cast myself into

the darkness away from all that was worthwhile and inspiring. I listened to

one group harmonize quietly as they passed. The smell of fresh bread being

prepared in the bakery drifted to me. The good white bread of breakfast; the

rolls dripping with yellow butter that I had slipped into my pocket so often

to be munched later in my room with wild blackberry jam from home.

Lights began to appear in the girls’ dormitories, like the bursting of

luminous seeds flung broadside by an invisible hand. Several cars rolled by. I

saw a group of old women who lived in the town approaching. One used a

cane which from time to time she tapped hollowly upon the walk like a blind

man. Snatches of their conversation fluttered to me as they discussed Barbee’s

talk with enthusiasm, recalled the times of the Founder, their quavering voices

weaving and embroidering his story. Then down the long avenue of trees I

saw the familiar Cadillac approaching and started inside the building,

suddenly filled with panic. I hadn’t gone two steps before I turned and

hurried out into the night again. I couldn’t stand to face Dr. Bledsoe

immediately. I was fairly shivering as I fell in behind a group of boys going

up the drive. They were arguing some point heatedly, but I was too agitated

to listen and simply followed in their shadows, noticing the dull gleam of

their polished shoe-leather in the rays of the street lamps. I kept trying to

formulate what I would say to Dr. Bledsoe, and the boys must have turned

into their building, for suddenly finding myself outside the gates of the

campus and heading down the highway, I turned and ran back to the

building.

When I went in he was wiping his neck with a blue-bordered

handkerchief. The shaded lamp catching the lenses of his glasses left half of

his broad face in shadow as his clenched fists stretched full forth in the light

before him. I stood, hesitating in the door, aware suddenly of the old heavy

furnishings, the relics from the times of the Founder, the framed portrait

photographs and relief plaques of presidents and industrialists, men of

power-fixed like trophies or heraldic emblems upon the walls.

“Come in,” he said from the half-shadow; then I saw him move and

his head coming forward, his eyes burning.

He began mildly, as if quietly joking, throwing me off balance.

“Boy,” he said, “I understand that you not only carried Mr. Norton

out to the Quarters but that you wound up at that sinkhole, that Golden

Day.”

It was a statement, not a question. I said nothing and he looked at

me with the same mild gaze. Had Barbee helped Mr. Norton soften him?

“No,” he said, “it wasn’t enough to take him to the Quarters, you

had to make the complete tour, to give him the full treatment. Was that it?”

“No, sir . . . I mean that he was ill, sir,” I said. “He had to have

some whiskey . . .”

“And that was the only place you knew to go,” he said. “So you went

there because you were taking care of him . . .”

“Yes, sir . . .”

“And not only that,” he said in a voice that both mocked and

marveled, “you took him out and sat him down on the gallery, veranda —

piazza — whatever they call it now’days — and introduced him to the quality!”

“Quality?” I frowned. “Oh — but he insisted that I stop, sir. There

was nothing I could do . . .”

“Of course,” he said. “Of course.”

“He was interested in the cabins, sir. He was surprised that there

were any left.”

“So naturally you stopped,” he said, bowing his head again.

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, and I suppose the cabin opened up and told him its life history

and all the choice gossip?”

I started to explain.

“Boy!” he exploded. “Are you serious? Why were you out on that

road in the first place? Weren’t you behind the wheel?”

“Yes, sir . . .”

“Then haven’t we bowed and scraped and begged and lied enough

decent homes and drives for you to show him? Did you think that white man

had to come a thousand miles — all the way from New York and Boston and

Philadelphia just for you to show him a slum? Don’t just stand there, say

something!”

“But I was only driving him, sir. I only stopped there after he

ordered me to . . .”

“Ordered you?” he said. “He ordered you. Dammit, white folk are

always giving orders, it’s a habit with them. Why didn’t you make an excuse?

Couldn’t you say they had sickness — smallpox — or picked another cabin?

Why that Trueblood shack? My God, boy! You’re black and living in the

South — did you forget how to lie?”

“Lie, sir? Lie to him, lie to a trustee, sir? Me?”

He shook his head with a kind of anguish. “And me thinking I’d

picked a boy with brain,” he said. “Didn’t you know you were endangering

the school?”

“But I was only trying to please him . . .”

“Please him? And here you are a junior in college! Why, the dumbest

black bastard in the cotton patch knows that the only way to please a white

man is to tell him a lie! What kind of education are you getting around

here? Who really told you to take him out there?” he said.

“He did, sir. No one else.”

“Don’t lie to me!”

“That’s the truth, sir.”

“I warn you now, who suggested it?”

“I swear, sir. No one told me.”

“Nigger, this isn’t the time to lie. I’m no white man. Tell me the

truth!”

It was as though he’d struck me. I stared across the desk thinking,

He called me that . . .

“Answer me, boy!”

That, I thought, noticing the throbbing of a vein that rose between

his eyes, thinking, He called me that.

“I wouldn’t lie, sir,” I said.

“Then who was that patient you were talking with?”

“I never saw him before, sir.”

“What was he saying?”

“I can’t recall it all,” I muttered. “The man was raving.”

“Speak up. What did he say?”

“He thinks that he lived in France and that he’s a great doctor . . .”

“Continue.”

“He said that I believed that white was right,” I said.

“What?” Suddenly his face twitched and cracked like the surface of

dark water. “And you do, don’t you?” Dr. Bledsoe said, suppressing a nasty

laugh. “Well, don’t you?”

I did not answer, thinking, You, you . . .

“Who was he, did you ever see him before?”

“No, sir, I hadn’t.”

“Was he northern or southern?”

“I don’t know, sir.”

He struck his desk. “College for Negroes! Boy, what do you know

other than how to ruin an institution in half an hour that it took over half a

hundred years to build? Did he talk northern or southern?”

“He talked like a white man,” I said, “except that his voice sounded

southern, like one of ours . . .”

“I’ll have to investigate him,” he said. “A Negro like that should be

under lock and key.”

Across the campus a clock struck the quarter hour and something

inside me seemed to muffle its sound. I turned to him desperately. “Dr.

Bledsoe, I’m awfully sorry. I had no intention of going there but things just

got out of hand. Mr. Norton understands how it happened . . .”

“Listen to me, boy,” he said loudly. “Norton is one man and I’m

another, and while he might think he’s satisfied, I know that he isn’t! Your

poor judgment has caused this school incalculable damage. Instead of uplifting

the race, you’ve torn it down.”

He looked at me as though I had committed the worst crime

imaginable. “Don’t you know we can’t tolerate such a thing? I gave you an

opportunity to serve one of our best white friends, a man who could make

your fortune. But in return you dragged the entire race into the slime!”

Suddenly he reached for something beneath a pile of papers, an old leg

shackle from slavery which he proudly called a “symbol of our progress.”

“You’ve got to be disciplined, boy,” he said. “There’s no ifs and ands

about it.”

“But you gave Mr. Norton your word . . .”

“Don’t stand there and tell me what I already know. Regardless of

what I said, as the leader of this institution I can’t possibly let this pass. Boy,

I’m getting rid of you!” It must have happened when the metal struck the

desk, for suddenly I was leaning toward him, shouting with outrage.

“I’ll tell him,” I said. “I’ll go to Mr. Norton and tell him. You’ve lied

to both of us . . .”

“What!” he said. “You have the nerve to threaten me . . . in my own

office?”

“I’ll tell him,” I screamed. “I’ll tell everybody. I’ll fight you. I swear

it, I’ll fight!”

“Well,” he said, sitting back, “well, I’ll be damned!” For a moment he

looked me up and down and I saw his head go back into the shadow,

hearing a high, thin sound like a cry of rage; then his face came forward and

I saw his laughter. For an instant I stared; then I wheeled and started for

the door, hearing him sputter, “Wait, wait,” behind me.

I turned. He gasped for breath, propping his huge head up with his

hands as tears streamed down his face.

“Come on, come,” he said, removing his glasses and wiping his eyes.

“Come on, son,” his voice amused and conciliatory. It was as though I were

being put through a fraternity initiation and found myself going back. He

looked at me, still laughing with agony. My eyes burned.

“Boy, you are a fool,” he said. “Your white folk didn’t teach you

anything and your mother-wit has left you cold. What has happened to you

young Negroes? I thought you had caught on to how things are done down

here. But you don’t even know the difference between the way things are and

the way they’re supposed to be. My God,” he gasped, “what is the race

coming to? Why, boy, you can tell anyone you like — sit down there . . . Sit

down, sir, I say!”

Reluctantly I sat, torn between anger and fascination, hating myself

for obeying.

“Tell anyone you like,” he said. “I don’t care. I wouldn’t raise my

little finger to stop you. Because I don’t owe anyone a thing, son. Who,

Negroes? Negroes don’t control this school or much of anything else —

haven’t you learned even that? No, sir, they don’t control this school, nor

white folk either. True they support it, but I control it. I’s big and black and

I say ‘Yes, suh’ as loudly as any burr-head when it’s convenient, but I’m still

the king down here. I don’t care how much it appears otherwise. Power

doesn’t have to show off. Power is confident, self-assuring, self-starting and

self-stopping, self-warming and self-justifying. When you have it, you know it.

Let the Negroes snicker and the crackers laugh! Those are the facts, son. The

only ones I even pretend to please are big white folk, and even those I

control more than they control me. This is a power set-up, son, and I’m at

the controls. You think about that. When you buck against me, you’re bucking

against power, rich white folk’s power, the nation’s power — which means

government power!”

He paused to let it sink in and I waited, feeling a numb, violent

outrage.

“And I’ll tell you something your sociology teachers are afraid to tell

you,” he said. “If there weren’t men like me running schools like this, there’d

be no South. Nor North, either. No, and there’d be no country — not as it is

today. You think about that, son.” He laughed. “With all your speechmaking

and studying I thought you understood something. But you . . . All right, go

ahead. See Norton. You’ll find that he wants you disciplined; he might not

know it, but he does. Because he knows that I know what is best for his

interests. You’re a black educated fool, son. These white folk have newspapers,

magazines, radios, spokesmen to get their ideas across. If they want to tell

the world a lie, they can tell it so well that it becomes the truth; and if I tell

them that you’re lying, they’ll tell the world even if you prove you’re telling

the truth. Because it’s the kind of lie they want to hear . . .”

I heard the high thin laugh again. “You’re nobody, son. You don’t

exist — can’t you see that? The white folk tell everybody what to think —

except men like me. I tell them; that’s my life, telling white folk how to think

about the things I know about. Shocks you, doesn’t it? Well, that’s the way it

is. It’s a nasty deal and I don’t always like it myself. But you listen to me: I

didn’t make it, and I know that I can’t change it. But I’ve made my place in

it and I’ll have every Negro in the country hanging on tree limbs by morning

if it means staying where I am.”

He was looking me in the eye now, his voice charged and sincere, as

though uttering a confession, a fantastic revelation which I could neither

believe nor deny. Cold drops of sweat moved at a glacier’s pace down my

spine . . .

“I mean it, son,” he said. “I had to be strong and purposeful to get

where I am. I had to wait and plan and lick around . . . Yes, I had to act

the nigger!” he said, adding another fiery, “Yes!

“I don’t even insist that it was worth it, but now I’m here and I

mean to stay — after you win the game, you take the prize and you keep it,

protect it; there’s nothing else to do.” He shrugged. “A man gets old winning

his place, son. So you go ahead, go tell your story; match your truth against

my truth, because what I’ve said is truth, the broader truth. Test it, try it out

. . . When I started out I was a young fellow . . .”

But I no longer listened, nor saw more than the play of light upon

the metallic disks of his glasses, which now seemed to float within the

disgusting sea of his words. Truth, truth, what was truth? Nobody I knew,

not even my own mother, would believe me if I tried to tell them. Nor would

I tomorrow, I thought, nor would I . . . I gazed helplessly at the grain of the

desk, then past his head to the case of loving cups behind his chair. Above

the case a portrait of the Founder looked noncommittally down.

“Hee, hee!” Bledsoe laughed. “Your arms are too short to box with

me, son. And I haven’t had to really clip a young Negro in years. No,” he

said getting up, “they haven’t been so cocky as they used to.”

This time I could barely move, my stomach was knotted and my

kidneys ached. My legs were rubbery. For three years I had thought of myself

as a man and here with a few words he’d made me as helpless as an infant.

I pulled myself up . . .

“Wait, hold on a second,” he said, looking at me like a man about to

flip a coin. “I like your spirit, son. You’re a fighter, and I like that; you just

lack judgment, though lack of judgment can ruin you. That’s why I have to

penalize you, son. I know how you feel, too. You don’t want to go home to

be humiliated, I understand that, because you have some vague notions about

dignity. In spite of me, such notions seep in along with the gimcrack teachers

and northern-trained idealists. Yes, and you have some white folk backing you

and you don’t want to face them because nothing is worse for a black man

than to be humiliated by white folk. I know all about that too; ole doc’s been

‘buked and scorned and all of that. I don’t just sing about it in chapel, I

know about it. But you’ll get over it; it’s foolish and expensive and a lot of

dead weight. You let the white folk worry about pride and dignity — you

learn where you are and get yourself power, influence, contacts with powerful

and influential people — then stay in the dark and use it!”

How long will I stand here and let him laugh at me, I thought,

holding on to the back of the chair, how long?

“You’re a nervy little fighter, son,” he said, “and the race needs good,

smart, disillusioned fighters. Therefore I’m going to give you a hand — maybe

you’ll feel that I’m giving you my left hand after I’ve struck you with my

right — if you think I’m the kind of man who’d lead with his right, which

I’m most certainly not. But that’s all right too, take it or leave it. I want you

to go to New York for the summer and save your pride — and your money.

You go there and earn your next year’s fees, understand?”

I nodded, unable to speak, whirling about furiously within myself,

trying to deal with him, to fit what he was saying to what he had said . . .

“I’ll give you letters to some of the school’s friends to see that you

get work,” he said. “But this time, use your judgment, keep your eyes open,

get in the swing of things! Then, if you make good, perhaps . . . well,

perhaps . . . It’s up to you.”

His voice stopped as he stood, tall and black and disk-eyed, huge.

“That’s all, young man,” he said, his tone abrupt, official. “You have

two days in which to close your affairs.”

“Two days?”

“Two days!” he said.

I went down the steps and up the walk in the dark, making it out of

the building just before it bent me double beneath the wisteria that hung

from the trees on rope-like vines. Almost a total disembowelment and when it

paused I looked up through the trees arched high and cool above me to see

a whirling, double-imaged moon. My eyes were out of focus. I started toward

my room, covering one eye with my hand to avoid crashing into trees and

lampposts projected into my path. I went on, tasting bile and thankful that it

was night with no one to witness my condition. My stomach felt raw. From

somewhere across the quiet of the campus the sound of an old guitar-blues

plucked from an out-of-tune piano drifted toward me like a lazy, shimmering

wave, like the echoed whistle of a lonely train, and my head went over again,

against a tree this time, and I could hear it splattering the flowering vines.

When I could move, my head started to whirl in a circle. The day’s

events flowed past. Trueblood, Mr. Norton, Dr. Bledsoe and the Golden Day

swept around my mind in a mad surreal whirl. I stood in the path holding

my eye and trying to push back the day, but each time I floundered upon

Dr. Bledsoe’s decision. It still echoed in my mind and it was real and it was

final. Whatever my responsibility was for what had occurred, I knew that I

would pay for it, knew that I would be expelled, and the very idea stabbed

my insides again. I stood there on the moonlit walk, trying to think ahead to

its effects, imagining the satisfaction of those who envied my success, the

shame and disappointment of my parents. I would never live down my

disgrace. My white friends would be disgusted and I recalled the fear that

hung over all those who had no protection from powerful whites.

How had I come to this? I had kept unswervingly to the path placed

before me, had tried to be exactly what I was expected to be, had done

exactly what I was expected to do — yet, instead of winning the expected

reward, here I was stumbling along, holding on desperately to one of my eyes

in order to keep from bursting out my brain against some familiar object

swerved into my path by my distorted vision. And now to drive me wild I

felt suddenly that my grandfather was hovering over me, grinning

triumphantly out of the dark. I simply could not endure it. For, despite my

anguish and anger, I knew of no other way of living, nor other forms of

success available to such as me. I was so completely a part of that existence

that in the end I had to make my peace. It was either that or admit that my

grandfather had made sense. Which was impossible, for though I still believed

myself innocent, I saw that the only alternative to permanently facing the

world of Trueblood and the Golden Day was to accept the responsibility for

what had happened. Somehow, I convinced myself, I had violated the code

and thus would have to submit to punishment. Dr. Bledsoe is right, I told

myself, he’s right; the school and what it stands for have to be protected.

There was no other way, and no matter how much I suffered I would pay my

debt as quickly as possible and return to building my career . . .

Back in my room I counted my savings, some fifty dollars, and

decided to get to New York as quickly as possible. If Dr. Bledsoe didn’t

change his mind about helping me get a job, it would be enough to pay my

room and board at Men’s House, about which I had learned from fellows who

lived there during their summer vacations. I would leave in the morning.

So while my roommate grinned and mumbled unaware in his sleep I

packed my bags.

NEXT morning I was up before the bugle sounded and already on a

bench in Dr. Bledsoe’s outer office when he appeared. The jacket of his blue

serge suit was open, revealing a heavy gold chain linked between his vest

pockets as he moved toward me with a noiseless tread. He passed without

seeming to see me. Then as he reached his office door he said, “I haven’t

changed my mind about you, boy. And I don’t intend to!”

“Oh, I didn’t come for that, sir,” I said, seeing him turn quickly,

looking down upon me, his eyes quizzical.

“Very well, as long as you understand that. Come in and state your

business. I have work to do.”

I waited before the desk, watching him place his homburg on an old

brass hall-tree. Then he sat before me, making a cage of his fingers and

nodding for me to begin.

My eyes burned and my voice sounded unreal. “I’d like to leave this

morning, sir,” I said.

His eyes retreated. “Why this morning?” he said. “I gave you until

tomorrow. Why the hurry?”

“It isn’t hurry, sir. But since I have to leave I’d like to get going.

Staying until tomorrow won’t change matters . . .”

“No, it won’t,” he said. “That’s good sense and you have my

permission. And what else?”

“That’s all, sir, except that I want to say that I’m sorry for what I

did and that I hold no hard feelings. What I did was unintentional, but I’m

in agreement with my punishment.”

He touched his fingertips together, the thick fingers meeting

delicately, his face without expression. “That’s the proper attitude,” he said.

“In other words, you don’t intend to become bitter, is that it?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Yes, I can see that you’re beginning to learn. That’s good. Two

things our people must do is accept responsibility for their acts and avoid

becoming bitter.” His voice rose with the conviction of his chapel speeches.

“Son, if you don’t become bitter, nothing can stop you from success.

Remember that.”

“I shall, sir,” I said. Then my throat thickened and I hoped he would

bring up the matter of a job himself.

Instead, he looked at me impatiently and said, “Well? I have work to

do. My permission is granted.”

“Well, sir, I’d like to ask a favor of you . . .”

“Favor,” he said shrewdly. “Now that’s another matter. What kind of

favor?”

“It isn’t much, sir. You suggested that you would put me in touch

with some of the trustees who would give me a job. I’m willing to do

anything.”

“Oh, yes,” he said, “yes, of course.” .

He seemed to think for a moment, his eyes studying the objects on

his desk. Then touching the shackle gently with his index finger, he said,

“Very well. When do you intend to leave?”

“By the first bus, if possible, sir.”

“Are you packed?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Very well. Go get your bags and return here in thirty minutes. My

secretary will give you some letters addressed to several friends of the school.

One of them will do something for you.”

“Thanks, sir. Thank you very much,” I said as he stood.

“That’s all right,” he said. “The school tries to look out for its own.

Only one thing more. These letters will be sealed; don’t open them if you

want help. White folk are strict about such things. The letters will introduce

you and request them to help you with a job. I’ll do my best for you and it

isn’t necessary for you to open them, understand?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t think of opening them, sir,” I said.

“Very well, the young lady will have them for you when you return.

What about your parents, have you informed them?”

“No, sir, it might make them feel too bad if I told them I was

expelled, so I plan to write them after I get there and get a job . . .”

“I see. Perhaps that is best.”

“Well, good-bye, sir,” I said, extending my hand.

“Good-bye,” he said. His hand was large and strangely limp.

He pressed a buzzer as I turned to leave. His secretary brushed past

me as I went through the door.

The letters were waiting when I returned, seven of them, addressed

to men with impressive names. I looked for Mr. Norton’s but his was not

among them. Placing them carefully in my inside pocket, I grabbed my bags

and hurried for the bus.

Chapter 7

The station was empty, but the ticket window was open and a porter

in a gray uniform was pushing a broom. I bought my ticket and climbed into

the bus. There were only two passengers seated at the rear of the red and

nickel interior, and I suddenly felt that I was dreaming. It was the vet, who

gave me a smile of recognition; an attendant sat beside him.

“Welcome, young man,” he called. “Imagine, Mr. Crenshaw,” he said

to the attendant, “we have a traveling companion!”

“Morning,” I said reluctantly. I looked around for a seat away from

them, but although the bus was almost empty, only the rear was reserved for

us and there was nothing to do but move back with them. I didn’t like it;

the vet was too much a part of an experience which I was already trying to

blot out of my consciousness. His way of talking to Mr. Norton had been a

foreshadowing of my misfortune — just as I had sensed that it would be.

Now having accepted my punishment, I wanted to remember nothing

connected with Trueblood or the Golden Day.

Crenshaw, a much smaller man than Supercargo, said nothing. He

was not the type usually sent out to accompany violent cases and I was glad

until I remembered that the only violent thing about the vet was his tongue.

His mouth had already gotten me into trouble and now I hoped he wouldn’t

turn it upon the white driver — that was apt to get us killed. What was he

doing on the bus anyway? God, how had Dr. Bledsoe worked that fast? I

stared at the fat man.

“How did your friend Mr. Norton make out?” he asked.

“He’s okay,” I said.

“No more fainting spells?”

“No.”

“Did he bawl you out for what happened?”

“He didn’t blame me,” I said.

“Good. I think I shocked him more than anything else he saw at the

Golden Day. I hoped I hadn’t caused you trouble. School isn’t out so soon, is

it?”

“Not quite,” I said lightly. “I’m leaving early in order to take a job.”

“Wonderful! At home?”

“No, I thought I might make more money in New York.”

“New York!” he said. “That’s not a place, it’s a dream. When I was

your age it was Chicago. Now all the little black boys run away to New York.

Out of the fire into the melting pot. I can see you after you’ve lived in

Harlem for three months. Your speech will change, you’ll talk a lot about

‘college,’ you’ll attend lectures at the Men’s House . . . you might even meet

a few white folks. And listen,” he said, leaning close to whisper, “you might

even dance with a white girl!”

“I’m going to New York to work,” I said, looking around me. “I won’t

have time for that.”

“You will though,” he teased. “Deep down you’re thinking about the

freedom you’ve heard about up North, and you’ll try it once, just to see if

what you’ve heard is true.”

“There’s other kinds of freedom beside some ole white trash women,”

Crenshaw said. “He might want to see him some shows and eat in some of

them big restaurants.”

The vet grinned. “Why, of course, but remember, Crenshaw, he’s only

going to be there a few months. Most of the time he’ll be working, and so

much of his freedom will have to be symbolic. And what will be his or any

man’s most easily accessible symbol of freedom? Why, a woman, of course. In

twenty minutes he can inflate that symbol with all the freedom which he’ll be

too busy working to enjoy the rest of the time. He’ll see.”

I tried to change the subject. “Where are you going?” I asked.

“To Washington, D. C.,” he said.

“Then you’re cured?”

“Cured? There is no cure –”

“He’s being transferred,” said Crenshaw.

“Yes, I’m headed for St. Elizabeth’s,” the vet said. “The ways of

authority are indeed mysterious. For a year I’ve tried to get transferred, then

this morning I’m suddenly told to pack. I can’t but wonder if our little

conversation with your friend Mr. Norton had something to do with it.”

“How could he have anything to do with it?” I said, remembering Dr.

Bledsoe’s threat.

“How could he have anything to do with your being on this bus?” he

said.

He winked. His eyes twinkled. “All right, forget what I’ve said. But

for God’s sake, learn to look beneath the surface,” he said. “Come out of the

fog, young man. And remember you don’t have to be a complete fool in

order to succeed. Play the game, but don’t believe in it — that much you owe

yourself. Even if it lands you in a strait jacket or a padded cell. Play the

game, but play it your own way — part of the time at least. Play the game,

but raise the ante, my boy. Learn how it operates, learn how you operate — I

wish I had time to tell you only a fragment. We’re an ass-backward people,

though. You might even beat the game. It’s really a very crude affair. Really

Pre-Renaissance — and that game has been analyzed, put down in books. But

down here they’ve forgotten to take care of the books and that’s your

opportunity. You’re hidden right out in the open — that is, you would be if

you only realized it. They wouldn’t see you because they don’t expect you to

know anything, since they believe they’ve taken care of that . . .”

“Man, who’s this they you talking so much about?” said Crenshaw.

The vet looked annoyed. “They?” he said. “They? Why, the same they

we always mean, the white folks, authority, the gods, fate, circumstances —

the force that pulls your strings until you refuse to be pulled any more. The

big man who’s never there, where you think he is.”

Crenshaw grimaced. “You talk too damn much, man,” he said. “You

talk and you don’t say nothing.”

“Oh, I have a lot to say, Crenshaw. I put into words things which

most men feel, if only slightly. Sure, I’m a compulsive talker of a kind, but

I’m really more clown than fool. But, Crenshaw,” he said, rolling a wand of

the newspaper which lay across his knees, “you don’t realize what’s

happening. Our young friend is going North for the first time! It is for the

first time, isn’t it?”

“You’re right,” I said.

“Of course. Were you ever North before, Crenshaw?”

“I been all over the country,” Crenshaw said. “I know how they do it,

wherever they do it. And I know how to act too. Besides, you ain’t going

North, not the real North. You going to Washington. It’s just another

southern town.”

“Yes, I know,” the vet said, “but think of what this means for the

young fellow. He’s going free, in the broad daylight and alone. I can

remember when young fellows like him had first to commit a crime, or be

accused of one, before they tried such a thing. Instead of leaving in the light

of morning, they went in the dark of night. And no bus was fast enough —

isn’t that so, Crenshaw?”

Crenshaw stopped unwrapping a candy bar and looked at him

sharply, his eyes narrowed. “How the hell I know?” he said.

“I’m sorry, Crenshaw,” the vet said. “I thought that as a man of

experience . . .”

“Well, I ain’t had that experience. I went North of my own free will.”

“But haven’t you heard of such cases?”

“Hearing ain’t ‘speriencing,” Crenshaw said.

“No, it isn’t. But since there’s always an element of crime in freedom

–”

“I ain’t committed no crime!”

“I didn’t mean that you had,” the vet said. “I apologize. Forget it.”

Crenshaw took an angry bite from his candy bar, mumbling, “I wish

you’d hurry up and git depressive, maybe then you won’t talk so damn

much.”

“Yes, doctor,” the vet said mockingly. “I’ll be depressive soon enough,

but while you eat your candy just allow me to chew the rag; there’s a kind of

substance in it.”

“Aw, quit trying to show off your education,” Crenshaw said. “You

riding back here in the Jim Crow just like me. Besides, you’re a nut.”

The vet winked at me, continuing his flow of words as the bus got

under way. We were going at last and I took a last longing look as the bus

shot around the highway which circled the school. I turned and watched it

recede from the rear window; the sun caught its treetops, bathed its low-set

buildings and ordered grounds. Then it was gone. In less than five minutes

the spot of earth which I identified with the best of all possible worlds was

gone, lost within the wild uncultivated countryside. A flash of movement drew

my eye to the side of the highway now, and I saw a moccasin wiggle swiftly

along the gray concrete, vanishing into a length of iron pipe that lay beside

the road. I watched the flashing past of cotton fields and cabins, feeling that

I was moving into the unknown.

The vet and Crenshaw prepared to change busses at the next stop,

and upon leaving, the vet placed his hand upon my shoulder and looked at

me with kindness, and, as always, he smiled.

“Now is the time for offering fatherly advice,” he said, “but I’ll have

to spare you that — since I guess I’m nobody’s father except my own.

Perhaps that’s the advice to give you: Be your own father, young man. And

remember, the world is possibility if only you’ll discover it. Last of all, leave

the Mr. Nortons alone, and if you don’t know what I mean, think about it.

Farewell.”

I watched him following Crenshaw through the group of passengers

waiting to get on, a short, comical figure turning to wave, then disappearing

through the door of the red brick terminal. I sat back with a sigh of relief,

yet once the passengers were aboard and the bus under way again, I felt sad

and utterly alone.

NOT until we were sailing through the Jersey countryside did my

spirits begin to rise. Then my old confidence and optimism revived, and I

tried to plan my time in the North. I would work hard and serve my

employer so well that he would shower Dr. Bledsoe with favorable reports.

And I would save my money and return in the fall full of New York culture.

I’d be indisputably the leading campus figure. Perhaps I would attend Town

Meeting, which I had heard over the radio. I’d learn the platform tricks of

the leading speakers. And I would make the best of my contacts. When I met

the big men to whom my letters were addressed I would put on my best

manner. I would speak softly, in my most polished tones, smile agreeably and

be most polite; and I would remember that if he (“he” meant any of the

important gentlemen) should begin a topic of conversation (I would never

begin a subject of my own) which I found unfamiliar, I would smile and

agree. My shoes would be polished, my suit pressed, my hair dressed (not too

much grease) and parted on the right side; my nails would be clean and my

armpits well deodorized — you had to watch the last item. You couldn’t allow

them to think all of us smelled bad. The very thought of my contacts gave

me a feeling of sophistication, of worldliness, which, as I fingered the seven

important letters in my pocket, made me feel light and expansive.

I dreamed with my eyes gazing blankly upon the landscape until I

looked up to see a Red Cap frowning down. “Buddy, are you getting off

here?” he said. “If so, you better get started.”

“Oh, sure,” I said, beginning to move. “Sure, but how do you get to

Harlem?”

“That’s easy,” he said. “You just keep heading north.”

And while I got down my bags and my prize brief case, still as shiny

as the night of the battle royal, he instructed me how to take the subway,

then I struggled through the crowd.

Moving into the subway I was pushed along by the milling

salt-and-pepper mob, seized in the back by a burly, blue-uniformed attendant

about the size of Supercargo, and crammed, bags and all, into a train that

was so crowded that everyone seemed to stand with his head back and his

eyes bulging, like chickens frozen at the sound of danger. Then the door

banged behind me and I was crushed against a huge woman in black who

shook her head and smiled while I stared with horror at a large mole that

arose out of the oily whiteness of her skin like a black mountain sweeping

out of a rainwet plain. And all the while I could feel the rubbery softness of

her flesh against the length of my body. I could neither turn sideways nor

back away, nor set down my bags. I was trapped, so close that simply by

nodding my head, I might have brushed her lips with mine. I wanted

desperately to raise my hands to show her that it was against my will. I kept

expecting her to scream, until finally the car lurched and I was able to free

my left arm. I closed my eyes, holding desperately to my lapel. The car

roared and swayed, pressing me hard against her, but when I took a furtive

glance around no one was paying me the slightest attention. And even she

seemed lost in her own thoughts. The train seemed to plunge downhill now,

only to lunge to a stop that shot me out upon a platform feeling like

something regurgitated from the belly of a frantic whale. Wrestling with my

bags, I swept along with the crowd, up the stairs into the hot street. I didn’t

care where I was, I would walk the rest of the way.

For a moment I stood before a shop window staring at my own

reflection in the glass, trying to recover from the ride against the woman. I

was limp, my clothing wet. “But you’re up North now,” I told myself, “up

North.” Yes, but suppose she had screamed . . . The next time I used the

subway I’d always be sure to enter with my hands grasping my lapels and I’d

keep them there until I left the train. Why, my God, they must have riots on

those things all the time. Why hadn’t I read about them?

I had never seen so many black people against a background of brick

buildings, neon signs, plate glass and roaring traffic — not even on trips I

had made with the debating team to New Orleans, Dallas or Birmingham.

They were everywhere. So many, and moving along with so much tension and

noise that I wasn’t sure whether they were about to celebrate a holiday or

join in a street fight. There were even black girls behind the counters of the

Five and Ten as I passed. Then at the street intersection I had the shock of

seeing a black policeman directing traffic — and there were white drivers in

the traffic who obeyed his signals as though it was the most natural thing in

the world. Sure I had heard of it, but this was real. My courage returned.

This really was Harlem, and now all the stories which I had heard of the

city-within-a-city leaped alive in my mind. The vet had been right: For me

this was not a city of realities, but of dreams; perhaps because I had always

thought of my life as being confined to the South. And now as I struggled

through the lines of people a new world of possibility suggested itself to me

faintly, like a small voice that was barely audible in the roar of city sounds. I

moved wide-eyed, trying to take the bombardment of impressions. Then I

stopped still.

It was ahead of me, angry and shrill, and upon hearing it I had a

sensation of shock and fear such as I had felt as a child when surprised by

my father’s voice. An emptiness widened in my stomach. Before me a

gathering of people were almost blocking the walk, while above them a short

squat man shouted angrily from a ladder to which were attached a collection

of small American flags.

“We gine chase ’em out,” the man cried. “Out!”

“Tell ’em about it, Ras, mahn,” a voice called.

And I saw the squat man shake his fist angrily over the uplifted

faces, yelling something in a staccato West Indian accent, at which the crowd

yelled threateningly. It was as though a riot would break any minute, against

whom I didn’t know. I was puzzled, both by the effect of his voice upon me

and by the obvious anger of the crowd. I had never seen so many black men

angry in public before, and yet others passed the gathering by without even a

glance. And as I came alongside, I saw two white policemen talking quietly

with one another, their backs turned as they laughed at some joke. Even

when the shirt-sleeved crowd cried out in angry affirmation of some remark

of the speaker, they paid no attention. I was stunned. I stood gaping at the

policemen, my bags settling upon the middle of the walk, until one of them

happened to see me and nudged the other, who chewed lazily upon a wad of

gum.

“What can we do for you, bud?” he said.

“I was just wondering . . .” I said, before I caught myself.

“Yeah?”

“I was just wondering how to get to Men’s House, sir,” I said.

“Is that all?”

“Yes, sir,” I stammered.

“You sure?”

“Yes, sir.”

“He’s a stranger,” the other said. “Just coming to town, bud?”

“Yes, sir,” I said, “I just got off the subway.”

“You did, huh? Well, you want to be careful.”

“Oh, I will, sir.”

“That’s the idea. Keep it clean,” he said, and directed me to Men’s

House.

I thanked them and hurried on. The speaker had become more

violent than before and his remarks were about the government. The clash

between the calm of the rest of the street and the passion of the voice gave

the scene a strange out-of-joint quality, and I was careful not to look back

lest I see a riot flare.

I reached Men’s House in a sweat, registered, and went immediately

to my room. I would have to take Harlem a little at a time.

Chapter 8

It was a clean little room with a dark orange bedspread. The chair

and dresser were maple and there was a Gideon Bible lying upon a small

table. I dropped my bags and sat on the bed. From the street below came

the sound of traffic, the larger sound of the subway, the smaller, more varied

sounds of voices. Alone in the room, I could hardly believe that I was so far

away from home, yet there was nothing familiar in my surroundings. Except

the Bible; I picked it up and sat back on the bed, allowing its

blood-red-edged pages to ripple beneath my thumb. I remembered how Dr.

Bledsoe could quote from the Book during his speeches to the student body

on Sunday nights. I turned to the book of Genesis, but could not read. I

thought of home and the attempts my father had made to institute family

prayer, the gathering around the stove at mealtime and kneeling with heads

bowed over the seats of our chairs, his voice quavering and full of

church-house rhetoric and verbal humility. But this made me homesick and I

put the Bible aside. This was New York. I had to get a job and earn money.

I took off my coat and hat and took my packet of letters and lay

back upon the bed, drawing a feeling of importance from reading the

important names. What was inside, and how could I open them undetected?

They were tightly sealed. I had read that letters were sometimes steamed

open, but I had no steam. I gave it up, I really didn’t need to know their

contents and it would not be honorable or safe to tamper with Dr. Bledsoe. I

knew already that they concerned me and were addressed to some of the

most important men in the whole country. That was enough. I caught myself

wishing for someone to show the letters to, someone who could give me a

proper reflection of my importance. Finally, I went to the mirror and gave

myself an admiring smile as I spread the letters upon the dresser like a hand

of high trump cards.

Then I began to map my campaign for the next day. First, I would

have a shower, then get breakfast. All this very early. I’d have to move fast.

With important men like that you had to be on time. If you made an

appointment with one of them, you couldn’t bring them any slow c.p. (colored

people’s) time. Yes, and I would have to get a watch. I would do everything

to schedule. I recalled the heavy gold chain that hung between Dr. Bledsoe’s

vest pockets and the air with which he snapped his watch open to consult

the time, his lips pursed, chin pulled in so that it multiplied, his forehead

wrinkled. Then he’d clear his throat and give a deeply intoned order, as

though each syllable were pregnant with nuances of profoundly important

meaning. I recalled my expulsion, feeling quick anger and attempting to

suppress it immediately; but now I was not quite successful, my resentment

stuck out at the edges, making me uncomfortable. Maybe it was best, I

thought hastily. Maybe if it hadn’t happened I would never have received an

opportunity to meet such important men face to face. In my mind’s eye I

continued to see him gazing into his watch, but now he was joined by

another figure; a younger figure, myself; become shrewd, suave and dressed

not in somber garments (like his old-fashioned ones) but in a dapper suit of

rich material, cut fashionably, like those of the men you saw in magazine ads,

the junior executive types in Esquire. I imagined myself making a speech and

caught in striking poses by flashing cameras, snapped at the end of some

period of dazzling eloquence. A younger version of the doctor, less crude,

indeed polished. I would hardly ever speak above a whisper and I would

always be — yes, there was no other word, I would be charming. Like Ronald

Colman. What a voice! Of course you couldn’t speak that way in the South,

the white folks wouldn’t like it, and the Negroes would say that you were

“putting on.” But here in the North I would slough off my southern ways of

speech. Indeed, I would have one way of speaking in the North and another

in the South. Give them what they wanted down South, that was the way. If

Dr. Bledsoe could do it, so could I. Before going to bed that night I wiped

off my brief case with a clean towel and placed the letters carefully inside.

The next morning I took an early subway into the Wall Street

district, selecting an address that carried me almost to the end of the island.

It was dark with the tallness of the buildings and the narrow streets.

Armored cars with alert guards went past as I looked for the number. The

streets were full of hurrying people who walked as though they had been

wound up and were directed by some unseen control. Many of the men

carried dispatch cases and brief cases and I gripped mine with a sense of

importance. And here and there I saw Negroes who hurried along with

leather pouches strapped to their wrists. They reminded me fleetingly of

prisoners carrying their leg irons as they escaped from a chain gang. Yet they

seemed aware of some self-importance, and I wished to stop one and ask him

why he was chained to his pouch. Maybe they got paid well for this, maybe

they were chained to money. Perhaps the man with rundown heels ahead of

me was chained to a million dollars!

I looked to see if there were policemen or detectives with drawn

guns following, but there was no one. Or if so, they were hidden in the

hurrying crowd. I wanted to follow one of the men to see where he was

going. Why did they trust him with all that money? And what would happen

if he should disappear with it? But of course no one would be that foolish.

This was Wall Street. Perhaps it was guarded, as I had been told post offices

were guarded, by men who looked down at you through peepholes in the

ceiling and walls, watching you constantly, silently waiting for a wrong move.

Perhaps even now an eye had picked me up and watched my every

movement. Maybe the face of that clock set in the gray building across the

street hid a pair of searching eyes. I hurried to my address and was

challenged by the sheer height of the white stone with its sculptured bronze

fa?de. Men and women hurried inside, and after staring for a moment I

followed, taking the elevator and being pushed to the back of the car. It rose

like a rocket, creating a sensation in my crotch as though an important part

of myself had been left below in the lobby.

At the last stop I left the car and went down a stretch of marble

hallway until I found the door marked with the trustee’s name. But starting

to enter I lost my nerve and backed away. I looked down the hall. It was

empty. White folks were funny; Mr. Bates might not wish to see a Negro the

first thing in the morning. I turned and walked down the hall and looked out

of the window. I would wait awhile.

Below me lay South Ferry, and a ship and two barges were passing

out into the river, and far out and to the right I could make out the Statue

of Liberty, her torch almost lost in the fog. Back along the shore, gulls soared

through the mist above the docks, and down, so far below that it made me

dizzy, crowds were moving. I looked back to a ferry passing the Statue of

Liberty now, its backwash a curving line upon the bay and three gulls

swooping down behind it.

Behind me the elevator was letting off passengers, and I heard the

cheery voices of women going chattering down the hall. Soon I would have to

go in. My uncertainty grew. My appearance worried me. Mr. Bates might not

like my suit, or the cut of my hair, and my chance of a job would be lost. I

looked at his name typed neatly across the envelope and wondered how he

earned his money. He was a millionaire, I knew. Maybe he had always been;

maybe he was born a millionaire. Never before had I been so curious about

money as now that I believed I was surrounded by it. Perhaps I would get a

job here and after a few years would be sent up and down the streets with

millions strapped to my arms, a trusted messenger. Then I’d be sent South

again to head the college — just as the mayor’s cook had been made principal

of the school after she’d become too lame to stand before her stove. Only I

wouldn’t stay North that long; they’d need me before that . . . But now for

the interview.

Entering the office I found myself face to face with a young woman

who looked up from her desk as I glanced swiftly over the large light room,

over the comfortable chairs, the ceiling-high bookcases with gold and leather

bindings, past a series of portraits and back again, to meet her questioning

eyes. She was alone and I thought, Well, at least I’m not too early . . .

“Good morning,” she said, betraying none of the antagonism I had

expected.

“Good morning,” I said, advancing. How should I begin?

“Yes?”

“Is this Mr. Bates’ office?” I said.

“Why, yes, it is,” she said. “Have you an appointment?”

“No, ma’m,” I said, and quickly hated myself for saying “ma’m” to so

young a white woman, and in the North too. I removed the letter from my

brief case, but before I could explain, she said,

“May I see it, please?”

I hesitated. I did not wish to surrender the letter except to Mr.

Bates, but there was a command in the extended hand, and I obeyed. I

surrendered it, expecting her to open it, but instead, after looking at the

envelope she rose and disappeared behind a paneled door without a word.

Back across the expanse of carpet to the door which I had entered I

noticed several chairs but was undecided to go there. I stood, my hat in my

hand, looking around me. One wall caught my eyes. It was hung with three

portraits of dignified old gentlemen in winged collars who looked down from

their frames with an assurance and arrogance that I had never seen in any

except white men and a few bad, razor-scarred Negroes. Not even Dr.

Bledsoe, who had but to look around him without speaking to set the

teachers to trembling, had such assurance. So these were the kind of men

who stood behind him. How did they fit in with the southern white folks,

with the men who gave me my scholarship? I was still staring, caught in the

spell of power and mystery, when the secretary returned.

She looked at me oddly and smiled. “I’m very sorry,” she said, “but

Mr. Bates is just too busy to see you this morning and asks that you leave

your name and address. You’ll hear from him by mail.”

I stood silent with disappointment. “Write it here,” she said, giving

me a card.

“I’m sorry,” she said again as I scribbled my address and prepared to

leave.

“I can be reached here at any time,” I said.

“Very good,” she said. “You should hear very soon.”

She seemed very kind and interested, and I left in good spirits. My

fears were groundless, there was nothing to it. This was New York.

I succeeded in reaching several trustees’ secretaries during the days

that followed, and all were friendly and encouraging. Some looked at me

strangely, but I dismissed it since it didn’t appear to be antagonism. Perhaps

they’re surprised to see someone like me with introductions to such important

men, I thought. Well, there were unseen lines that ran from North to South,

and Mr. Norton had called me his destiny . . . I swung my brief case with

confidence.

With things going so well I distributed my letters in the mornings,

and saw the city during the afternoons. Walking about the streets, sitting on

subways beside whites, eating with them in the same cafeterias (although I

avoided their tables) gave me the eerie, out-of-focus sensation of a dream. My

clothes felt ill-fitting; and for all my letters to men of power, I was unsure of

how I should act. For the first time, as I swung along the streets, I thought

consciously of how I had conducted myself at home. I hadn’t worried too

much about whites as people. Some were friendly and some were not, and

you tried not to offend either. But here they all seemed impersonal; and yet

when most impersonal they startled me by being polite, by begging my

pardon after brushing against me in a crowd. Still I felt that even when they

were polite they hardly saw me, that they would have begged the pardon of

Jack the Bear, never glancing his way if the bear happened to be walking

along minding his business. It was confusing. I did not know if it was

desirable or undesirable . . .

But my main concern was seeing the trustees and after more than a

week of seeing the city and being vaguely encouraged by secretaries, I became

impatient. I had distributed all but the letter to a Mr. Emerson, who I knew

from the papers was away from the city. Several times I started down to see

what had happened but changed my mind. I did not wish to seem too

impatient. But time was becoming short. Unless I found work soon I would

never earn enough to enter school by fall. I had already written home that I

was working for a member of the trustee board, and the only letter I had

received so far was one telling me how wonderful they thought it was and

warning me against the ways of the wicked city. Now I couldn’t write them

for money without revealing that I had been lying about the job.

Finally I tried to reach the important men by telephone, only to

receive polite refusals by their secretaries. But fortunately I still had the letter

to Mr. Emerson. I decided to use it, but instead of handing it over to a

secretary, I wrote a letter explaining that I had a message from Dr. Bledsoe

and requesting an appointment. Maybe I’ve been wrong about the secretaries,

I thought; maybe they destroyed the letters. I should have been more careful.

I thought of Mr. Norton. If only the last letter had been addressed to

him. If only he lived in New York so that I could make a personal appeal!

Somehow I felt closer to Mr. Norton, and felt that if he should see me, he

would remember that it was I whom he connected so closely to his fate. Now

it seemed ages ago and in a different season and a distant land. Actually, it

was less than a month. I became energetic and wrote him a letter, expressing

my belief that my future would be immeasurably different if only I could

work for him; that he would be benefited as well as I. I was especially

careful to allow some indication of my ability to come through the appeal. I

spent several hours on the typing, destroying copy after copy until I had

completed one that was immaculate, carefully phrased and most respectful. I

hurried down and posted it before the final mail collection, suddenly seized

with the dizzy conviction that it would bring results. I remained about the

building for three days awaiting an answer. But the letter brought no reply.

Nor, any more than a prayer unanswered by God, was it returned.

My doubts grew. Perhaps all was not well. I remained in my room

all the next day. I grew conscious that I was afraid; more afraid here in my

room than I had ever been in the South. And all the more, because here

there was nothing concrete to lay it to. All the secretaries had been

encouraging. In the evening I went out to a movie, a picture of frontier life

with heroic Indian fighting and struggles against flood, storm and forest fire,

with the out-numbered settlers winning each engagement; an epic of wagon

trains rolling ever westward. I forgot myself (although there was no one like

me taking part in the adventures) and left the dark room in a lighter mood.

But that night I dreamed of my grandfather and awoke depressed. I walked

out of the building with a queer feeling that I was playing a part in some

scheme which I did not understand. Somehow I felt that Bledsoe and Norton

were behind it, and all day I was inhibited in both speech and conduct, for

fear that I might say or do something scandalous. But this was all fantastic, I

told myself. I was being too impatient. I could wait for the trustees to make

a move. Perhaps I was being subjected to a test of some kind. They hadn’t

told me the rules, I knew, but the feeling persisted. Perhaps my exile would

end suddenly and I would be given a scholarship to return to the campus.

But when? How long?

Something had to happen soon. I would have to find a job to tide

me over. My money was almost gone and anything might happen. I had been

so confident that I had failed to put aside the price of train fare home. I was

miserable and I dared not talk to anyone about my problems; not even the

officials at Men’s House, for since they had learned that I was to be assigned

to an important job, they treated me with a certain deference; therefore I was

careful to hide my growing doubts. After all, I thought, I might have to ask

for credit and I’ll have to appear a good risk. No, the thing to do was to

keep faith. I’d start out once more in the morning. Something was certain to

happen tomorrow. And it did. I received a letter from Mr. Emerson.

Chapter 9

It was a clear, bright day when I went out, and the sun burned

warm upon my eyes. Only a few flecks of snowy cloud hung high in the

morning-blue sky, and already a woman was hanging wash on a roof. I felt

better walking along. A feeling of confidence grew. Far down the island the

skyscrapers rose tall and mysterious in the thin, pastel haze. A milk truck

went past. I thought of the school. What were they doing now on the

campus? Had the moon sunk low and the sun climbed clear? Had the

breakfast bugle blown? Did the bellow of the big seed bull awaken the girls

in the dorms this morning as on most spring mornings when I was there —

sounding clear and full above bells and bugles and early workaday sounds? I

hurried along, encouraged by the memories, and suddenly I was seized with a

certainty that today was the day. Something would happen. I patted my brief

case, thinking of the letter inside. The last had been first — a good sign.

Close to the curb ahead I saw a man pushing a cart piled high with

rolls of blue paper and heard him singing in a clear ringing voice. It was a

blues, and I walked along behind him remembering the times that I had

heard such singing at home. It seemed that here some memories slipped

around my life at the campus and went far back to things I had long ago

shut out of my mind. There was no escaping such reminders.

“She’s got feet like a monkey

Legs like a frog — Lawd, Lawd!

But when she starts to loving me

I holler Whoooo, God-dog!

Cause I loves my baabay,

Better than I do myself . . .”

And as I drew alongside I was startled to hear him call to me:

“Looka-year, buddy . . .”

“Yes,” I said, pausing to look into his reddish eyes.

“Tell me just one thing this very fine morning — Hey! Wait a

minute, daddy-o, I’m going your way!”

“What is it?” I said.

“What I want to know is,” he said, “is you got the dog?”

“Dog? What dog?”

“Sho,” he said, stopping his cart and resting it on its support. “That’s

it. Who –” he halted to crouch with one foot on the curb like a country

preacher about to pound his Bible — “got . . . the . . . dog,” his head

snapping with each word like an angry rooster’s.

I laughed nervously and stepped back. He watched me out of shrewd

eyes. “Oh, goddog, daddy-o,” he said with a sudden bluster, “who got the

damn dog? Now I know you from down home, how come you trying to act

like you never heard that before! Hell, ain’t nobody out here this morning but

us colored — Why you trying to deny me?”

Suddenly I was embarrassed and angry. “Deny you? What do you

mean?”

“Just answer the question. Is you got him, or ain’t you?”

“A dog?”

“Yeah, the dog.”

I was exasperated. “No, not this morning,” I said and saw a grin

spread over his face.

“Wait a minute, daddy. Now don’t go get mad. Damn, man! I

thought sho you had him,” he said, pretending to disbelieve me. I started

away and he pushed the cart beside me. And suddenly I felt uncomfortable.

Somehow he was like one of the vets from the Golden Day . . .

“Well, maybe it’s the other way round,” he said. “Maybe he got holt

to you.”

“Maybe,” I said.

“If he is, you lucky it’s just a dog — ’cause, man, I tell you I believe

it’s a bear that’s got holt to me.”

“A bear?”

“Hell, yes! The bear. Caint you see these patches where he’s been

clawing at my behind?”

Pulling the seat of his Charlie Chaplin pants to the side, he broke

into deep laughter.

“Man, this Harlem ain’t nothing but a bear’s den. But I tell you one

thing,” he said with swiftly sobering face, “it’s the best place in the world for

you and me, and if times don’t get better soon I’m going to grab that bear

and turn him every way but loose!”

“Don’t let him get you down,” I said.

“No, daddy-o, I’m going to start with one my own size!”

I tried to think of some saying about bears to reply, but remembered

only Jack the Rabbit, Jack the Bear . . . who were both long forgotten and

now brought a wave of homesickness. I wanted to leave him, and yet I found

a certain comfort in walking along beside him, as though we’d walked this

way before through other mornings, in other places . . .

“What is all that you have there?” I said, pointing to the rolls of

blue paper stacked in the cart.

“Blueprints, man. Here I got ’bout a hundred pounds of blueprints

and I couldn’t build nothing!”

“What are they blueprints for?” I said.

“Damn if I know — everything. Cities, towns, country clubs. Some

just buildings and houses. I got damn near enough to build me a house if I

could live in a paper house like they do in Japan. I guess somebody done

changed their plans,” he added with a laugh. “I asked the man why they

getting rid of all this stuff and he said they get in the way so every once in

a while they have to throw ’em out to make place for the new plans. Plenty

of these ain’t never been used, you know.”

“You have quite a lot,” I said.

“Yeah, this ain’t all neither. I got a coupla loads. There’s a day’s

work right here in this stuff. Folks is always making plans and changing ’em.”

“Yes, that’s right,” I said, thinking of my letters, “but that’s a

mistake. You have to stick to the plan.”

He looked at me, suddenly grave. “You kinda young, daddy-o,” he

said.

I did not answer. We came to a corner at the top of a hill.

“Well, daddy-o, it’s been good talking with a youngster from the old

country but I got to leave you now. This here’s one of them good ole

downhill streets. I can coast a while and won’t be worn out at the end of the

day. Damn if I’m-a let ’em run me into my grave. I be seeing you again

sometime — And you know something?”

“What’s that?”

“I thought you was trying to deny me at first, but now I be pretty

glad to see you . . .”

“I hope so,” I said. “And you take it easy.”

“Oh, I’ll do that. All it takes to get along in this here man’s town is

a little shit, grit and mother-wit. And man, I was bawn with all three. In

f a c t ,

I’maseventhsonofaseventhsonbawnwithacauloverbotheyesandraisedonblackcat-bon

eshighjohntheconquerorandgreasygreens –” he spieled with twinkling eyes, his

lips working rapidly. “You dig me, daddy?”

“You’re going too fast,” I said, beginning to laugh.

“Okay, I’m slowing down. I’ll verse you but I won’t curse you — My

name is Peter Wheatstraw, I’m the Devil’s only son-in-law, so roll ’em! You a

southern boy, ain’t you?” he said, his head to one side like a bear’s.

“Yes,” I said.

“Well, git with it! My name’s Blue and I’m coming at you with a

pitchfork. Fe Fi Fo Fum. Who wants to shoot the Devil one, Lord God

Stingeroy!”

He had me grinning despite myself. I liked his words though I didn’t

know the answer. I’d known the stuff from childhood, but had forgotten it;

had learned it back of school . . .

“You digging me, daddy?” he laughed. “Haw, but look me up

sometimes, I’m a piano player and a rounder, a whiskey drinker and a

pavement pounder. I’ll teach you some good bad habits. You’ll need ’em.

Good luck,” he said.

“So long,” I said and watched him going. I watched him push around

the corner to the top of the hill leaning sharp against the cart handle, and

heard his voice arise, muffled now, as he started down.

She’s got feet like a monkeeee

Legs

Legs, Legs like a maaad

Bulldog . . .

What does it mean, I thought. I’d heard it all my life but suddenly

the strangeness of it came through to me. Was it about a woman or about

some strange sphinxlike animal? Certainly his woman, no woman, fitted that

description. And why describe anyone in such contradictory words? Was it a

sphinx? Did old Chaplin-pants, old dusty-butt, love her or hate her; or was

he merely singing? What kind of woman could love a dirty fellow like that,

anyway? And how could even he love her if she were as repulsive as the

song described? I moved ahead. Perhaps everyone loved someone; I didn’t

know. I couldn’t give much thought to love; in order to travel far you had to

be detached, and I had the long road back to the campus before me. I strode

along, hearing the cartman’s song become a lonesome, broad-toned whistle

now that flowered at the end of each phrase into a tremulous, blue-toned

chord. And in its flutter and swoop I heard the sound of a railroad train

highballing it, lonely across the lonely night. He was the Devil’s son-in-law,

all right, and he was a man who could whistle a three-toned chord . . . God

damn, I thought, they’re a hell of a people! And I didn’t know whether it was

pride or disgust that suddenly flashed over me.

At the corner I turned into a drugstore and took a seat at the

counter. Several men were bent over plates of food. Glass globes of coffee

simmered above blue flames. I could feel the odor of frying bacon reach deep

into my stomach as I watched the counterman open the doors of the grill

and turn the lean strips over and bang the doors shut again. Above, facing

the counter, a blonde, sun-burned college girl smiled down, inviting all and

sundry to drink a coke. The counterman came over.

“I’ve got something good for you,” he said, placing a glass of water

before me. “How about the special?”

“What’s the special?”

“Pork chops, grits, one egg, hot biscuits and coffee!” He leaned over

the counter with a look that seemed to say, There, that ought to excite you,

boy. Could everyone see that I was southern?

“I’ll have orange juice, toast and coffee,” I said coldly.

He shook his head, “You fooled me,” he said, slamming two pieces of

bread into the toaster. “I would have sworn you were a pork chop man. Is

that juice large or small?”

“Make it large,” I said.

I looked silently at the back of his head as he sliced an orange,

thinking, I should order the special and get up and walk out. Who does he

think he is?

A seed floated in the thick layer of pulp that formed at the top of

the glass. I fished it out with a spoon and then downed the acid drink, proud

to have resisted the pork chops and grits. It was an act of discipline, a sign

of the change that was coming over me and which would return me to

college a more experienced man. I would be basically the same, I thought,

stirring my coffee, yet so subtly changed as to intrigue those who had never

been North. It always helped at the college to be a little different, especially

if you wished to play a leading role. It made the folks talk about you, try to

figure you out. I had to be careful though, not to speak too much like a

northern Negro; they wouldn’t like that. The thing to do, I thought with a

smile, was to give them hints that whatever you did or said was weighted

with broad and mysterious meanings that lay just beneath the surface. They’d

love that. And the vaguer you told things, the better. You had to keep them

guessing — just as they guessed about Dr. Bledsoe: Did Dr. Bledsoe stop at

an expensive white hotel when he visited New York? Did he go on parties

with the trustees? And how did he act?

“Man, I bet he has him a fine time. They tell me when Ole Doc gets

to New York he don’t stop for the red lights. Say he drinks his good red

whiskey and smokes his good black cigars and forgets all about you ole

know-nothing-Negroes down here on the campus. Say when he gets up North

he makes everybody call him Mister Doctor Bledsoe.”

I smiled as the conversation came back to my mind. I felt good.

Perhaps it was all to the best that I had been sent away. I had learned more.

Heretofore all the campus gossip had seemed merely malicious and

disrespectful; now I could see the advantage for Dr. Bledsoe. Whether we

liked him or not, he was never out of our minds. That was a secret of

leadership. Strange I should think of it now, for although I’d never given it

any thought before, I seemed to have known it all along. Only here the

distance from the campus seemed to make it clear and hard, and I thought it

without fear. Here it came to hand just as easily as the coin which I now

placed on the counter for my breakfast. It was fifteen cents and as I felt for

a nickel I took out another dime, thinking, Is it an insult when one of us

tips one of them?

I looked for the counterman, seeing him serving a plate of pork

chops and grits to a man with a pale blond mustache, and stared; then I

slapped the dime on the counter and left, annoyed that the dime did not ring

as loud as a fifty-cent piece.

WHEN I reached the door of Mr. Emerson’s office it occurred to me

that perhaps I should have waited until the business of the day was under

way, but I disregarded the idea and went ahead. My being early would be, I

hoped, an indication of both how badly I wanted work, and how promptly I

would perform any assignment given me. Besides, wasn’t there a saying that

the first person of the day to enter a business would get a bargain? Or was

that said only of Jewish business? I removed the letter from my brief case.

Was Emerson a Christian or a Jewish name?

Beyond the door it was like a museum. I had entered a large

reception room decorated with cool tropical colors. One wall was almost

covered by a huge colored map, from which narrow red silk ribbons stretched

tautly from each division of the map to a series of ebony pedestals, upon

which sat glass specimen jars containing natural products of the various

countries. It was an importing firm. I looked around the room, amazed. There

were paintings, bronzes, tapestries, all beautifully arranged. I was dazzled and

so taken aback that I almost dropped my brief case when I heard a voice

say, “And what would your business be?”

I saw the figure out of a collar ad: ruddy face with blond hair

faultlessly in place, a tropical weave suit draped handsomely from his broad

shoulders, his eyes gray and nervous behind clear-framed glasses.

I explained my appointment. “Oh, yes,” he said. “May I see the

letter, please?”

I handed it over, noticing the gold links in the soft white cuffs as he

extended his hand. Glancing at the envelope he looked back at me with a

strange interest in his eyes and said, “Have a seat, please. I’ll be with you in

a moment.”

I watched him leave noiselessly, moving with a long hip-swinging

stride that caused me to frown. I went over and took a teakwood chair with

cushions of emerald-green silk, sitting stiffly with my brief case across my

knees. He must have been sitting there when I came in, for on a table that

held a beautiful dwarf tree I saw smoke rising from a cigarette in a jade ash

tray. An open book, something called Totem and Taboo, lay beside it. I

looked across to a lighted case of Chinese design which held delicate-looking

statues of horses and birds, small vases and bowls, each set upon a carved

wooden base. The room was quiet as a tomb — until suddenly there was a

savage beating of wings and I looked toward the window to see an eruption

of color, as though a gale had whipped up a bundle of brightly colored rags.

It was an aviary of tropical birds set near one of the broad windows, through

which, as the clapping of wings settled down, I could see two ships plying far

out upon the greenish bay below. A large bird began a song, drawing my

eyes to the throbbing of its bright blue, red and yellow throat. It was

startling and I watched the surge and flutter of the birds as their colors

flared for an instant like an unfurled oriental fan. I wanted to go and stand

near the cage for a better view, but decided against it. It might seem

unbusinesslike. I observed the room from the chair.

These folks are the Kings of the Earth! I thought, hearing the bird

make an ugly noise. There was nothing like this at the college museum — or

anywhere else that I had ever been. I recalled only a few cracked relics from

slavery times: an iron pot, an ancient bell, a set of ankle-irons and links of

chain, a primitive loom, a spinning wheel, a gourd for drinking, an ugly

ebony African god that seemed to sneer (presented to the school by some

traveling millionaire), a leather whip with copper brads, a branding iron with

the double letter MM. Though I had seen them very seldom, they were vivid

in my mind. They had not been pleasant and whenever I had visited the

room I avoided the glass case in which they rested, preferring instead to look

at photographs of the early days after the Civil War, the times close to those

blind Barbee had described. And I had not looked even at these too often.

I tried to relax; the chair was beautiful but hard. Where had the

man gone? Had he shown any antagonism when he saw me? I was annoyed

that I had failed to see him first. One had to watch such details. Suddenly

there came a harsh cry from the cage, and once more I saw a mad flashing

as though the birds had burst into spontaneous flame, fluttering and beating

their wings maliciously against the bamboo bars, only to settle down just as

suddenly when the door opened and the blond man stood beckoning, his

hand upon the knob. I went over, tense inside me. Had I been accepted or

rejected?

There was a question in his eyes. “Come in, please,” he said.

“Thank you,” I said, waiting to follow him.

“Please,” he said with a slight smile.

I moved ahead of him, sounding the tone of his words for a sign.

“I want to ask you a few questions,” he said, waving my letter at two

chairs.

“Yes, sir?” I said.

“Tell me, what is it that you’re trying to accomplish?” he said.

“I want a job, sir, so that I can earn enough money to return to

college in the fall.”

“To your old school?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I see.” For a moment he studied me silently. “When do you expect

to graduate?”

“Next year, sir. I’ve completed my junior classes . . .”

“Oh, you have? That’s very good. And how old are you?”

“Almost twenty, sir.”

“A junior at nineteen? You are a good student.”

“Thank you, sir,” I said, beginning to enjoy the interview.

“Were you an athlete?” he asked.

“No, sir . . .”

“You have the build,” he said, looking me up and down. “You’d

probably make an excellent runner, a sprinter.”

“I’ve never tried, sir.”

“And I suppose it’s silly even to ask what you think of your Alma

Mater?” he said.

“I think it’s one of the best in the world,” I said, hearing my voice

surge with deep feeling.

“I know, I know,” he said, with a swift displeasure that surprised me.

I became alert again as he mumbled something incomprehensible

about “nostalgia for Harvard yard.”

“But what if you were offered an opportunity to finish your work at

some other college,” he said, his eyes widening behind his glasses. His smile

had returned.

“Another college?” I asked, my mind beginning to whirl.

“Why, yes, say some school in New England . . .”

I looked at him speechlessly. Did he mean Harvard? Was this good

or bad. Where was it leading? “I don’t know, sir,” I said cautiously. “I’ve

never thought about it. I’ve only a year more, and, well, I know everyone at

my old school and they know me . . .”

I came to a confused halt, seeing him look at me with a sigh of

resignation. What was on his mind? Perhaps I had been too frank about

returning to the college, maybe he was against our having a higher education

. . . But hell, he’s only a secretary . . . Or is he?

“I understand,” he said calmly. “It was presumptuous of me to even

suggest another school. I guess one’s college is really a kind of mother and

father . . . a sacred matter.”

“Yes, sir. That’s it,” I said in hurried agreement.

His eyes narrowed. “But now I must ask you an embarrassing

question. Do you mind?”

“Why, no, sir,” I said nervously.

“I don’t like to ask this, but it’s quite necessary . . .” He leaned

forward with a pained frown. “Tell me, did you read the letter which you

brought to Mr. Emerson? This,” he said, taking the letter from the table.

“Why, no, sir! It wasn’t addressed to me, so naturally I wouldn’t

think of opening it . . .”

“Of course not, I know you wouldn’t,” he said, fluttering his hand

and sitting erect. “I’m sorry and you must dismiss it, like one of those

annoying personal questions you find so often nowadays on supposedly

impersonal forms.”

I didn’t believe him. “But was it opened, sir? Someone might have

gone into my things . . .”

“Oh, no, nothing like that. Please forget the question . . . And tell

me, please, what are your plans after graduation?”

“I’m not sure, sir. I’d like to be asked to remain at the college as a

teacher, or as a member of the administrative staff. And . . . Well . . .”

“Yes? And what else?”

“Well — er, I guess I’d really like to become Dr. Bledsoe’s assistant .

. .”

“Oh, I see,” he said, sitting back and forming his mouth into a

thin-lipped circle. “You’re very ambitious.”

“I guess I am, sir. But I’m willing to work hard.”

“Ambition is a wonderful force,” he said, “but sometimes it can be

blinding . . . On the other hand, it can make you successful — like my father

. . .” A new edge came into his voice and he frowned and looked down at

his hands, which were trembling. “The only trouble with ambition is that it

sometimes blinds one to realities . . . Tell me, how many of these letters do

you have?”

“I had about seven, sir,” I replied, confused by his new turn. “They’re

— ”

“Seven!” He was suddenly angry.

“Yes, sir, that was all he gave me . . .”

“And how many of these gentlemen have you succeeded in seeing,

may I ask?”

A sinking feeling came over me. “I haven’t seen any of them

personally, sir.”

“And this is your last letter?”

“Yes, sir, it is, but I expect to hear from the others . . . They said

–”

“Of course you will, and from all seven. They’re all loyal Americans.”

There was unmistakable irony in his voice now, and I didn’t know

what to say.

“Seven,” he repeated mysteriously. “Oh, don’t let me upset you,” he

said with an elegant gesture of self-disgust. “I had a difficult session with my

analyst last evening and the slightest thing is apt to set me off. Like an

alarm clock without control — Say!” he said, slapping his palm against his

thighs. “What on earth does that mean?” Suddenly he was in a state. One

side of his face had begun to twitch and swell.

I watched him light a cigarette, thinking, What on earth is this all

about?

“Some things are just too unjust for words,” he said, expelling a

plume of smoke, “and too ambiguous for either speech or ideas. By the way,

have you ever been to the Club Calamus?”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it, sir,” I said.

“You haven’t? It’s very well known. Many of my Harlem friends go

there. It’s a rendezvous for writers, artists and all kinds of celebrities. There’s

nothing like it in the city, and by some strange twist it has a truly

continental flavor.”

“I’ve never been to a night club, sir. I’ll have to go there to see what

it’s like after I’ve started earning some money,” I said, hoping to bring the

conversation back to the problem of jobs.

He looked at me with a jerk of his head, his face beginning to twitch

again.

“I suppose I’ve been evading the issue again — as always. Look,” he

burst out impulsively. “Do you believe that two people, two strangers who

have never seen one another before can speak with utter frankness and

sincerity?”

“Sir?”

“Oh, damn! What I mean is, do you believe it possible for us, the

two of us, to throw off the mask of custom and manners that insulate man

from man, and converse in naked honesty and frankness?”

“I don’t know what you mean exactly, sir.” I said.

“Are you sure?”

“I . . .”

“Of course, of course. If I could only speak plainly! I’m confusing

you. Such frankness just isn’t possible because all our motives are impure.

Forget what I just said. I’ll try to put it this way — and remember this,

please . . .”

My head spun. He was addressing me, leaning forward confidentially,

as though he’d known me for years, and I remembered something my

grandfather had said long ago: Don’t let no white man tell you his business,

’cause after he tells you he’s liable to git shame he tole it to you and then

he’ll hate you. Fact is, he was hating you all the time. . .

“. . . I want to try to reveal a part of reality that is most important

to you — but I warn you, it’s going to hurt. No, let me finish,” he said,

touching my knee lightly and quickly removing his hand as I shifted my

position.

“What I want to do is done very seldom, and, to be honest, it

wouldn’t happen now if I hadn’t sustained a series of impossible frustrations.

You see — well, I’m thwarted . . . Oh, damn, there I go again, thinking only

of myself . . . We’re both frustrated, understand? Both of us, and I want to

help you . . .”

“You mean you’ll let me see Mr. Emerson?”

He frowned. “Please don’t seem so happy about it, and don’t leap to

conclusions. I want to help, but there is a tyranny involved . . .”

“A tyranny?” My lungs tightened.

“Yes. That’s a way of putting it. Because to help you I must

disillusion you . . .”

“Oh, I don’t think I mind, sir. Once I see Mr. Emerson, it’ll be up to

me. All I want to do is speak to him.”

“Speak to him,” he said, getting quickly to his feet and mashing his

cigarette into the tray with shaking fingers. “No one speaks to him. He does

the speaking –” Suddenly he broke off. “On second thought, perhaps you’d

better leave me your address and I’ll mail you Mr. Emerson’s reply in the

morning. He’s really a very busy man.”

His whole manner had changed.

“But you said . . .” I stood up, completely confused. Was he having

fun with me? “Couldn’t you let me talk to him for just five minutes?” I

pleaded. “I’m sure I can convince him that I’m worthy of a job. And if

there’s someone who has tampered with my letter, I’ll prove my identity . . .

Dr. Bledsoe would –”

“Identity! My God! Who has any identity any more anyway? It isn’t

so perfectly simple. Look,” he said with an anguished gesture. “Will you trust

me?”

“Why, yes, sir, I trust you.”

He leaned forward. “Look,” he said, his face working violently, “I was

trying to tell you that I know many things about you — not you personally,

but fellows like you. Not much, either, but still more than the average. With

us it’s still Jim and Huck Finn. A number of my friends are jazz musicians,

and I’ve been around. I know the conditions under which you live — Why go

back, fellow? There is so much you could do here where there is more

freedom. You won’t find what you’re looking for when you return anyway;

because so much is involved that you can’t possibly know. Please don’t

misunderstand me; I don’t say all this to impress you. Or to give myself

some kind of sadistic catharsis. Truly, I don’t. But I do know this world

you’re trying to contact — all its virtues and all its unspeakables — Ha, yes,

unspeakables. I’m afraid my father considers me one of the unspeakables . . .

I’m Huckleberry, you see . . .”

He laughed drily as I tried to make sense of his ramblings.

Huckleberry? Why did he keep talking about that kid’s story? I was puzzled

and annoyed that he could talk to me this way because he stood between me

and a job, the campus . . .

“But I only want a job, sir,” I said. “I only want to make enough

money to return to my studies.”

“Of course, but surely you suspect there is more to it than that.

Aren’t you curious about what lies behind the face of things?”

“Yes, sir, but I’m mainly interested in a job.”

“Of course,” he said, “but life isn’t that simple . . .”

“But I’m not bothered about all the other things, whatever they are,

sir. They’re not for me to interfere with and I’ll be satisfied to go back to

college and remain there as long as they’ll allow me to.”

“But I want to help you do what is best,” he said. “What’s best,

mind you. Do you wish to do what’s best for yourself?”

“Why, yes, sir. I suppose I do . . .”

“Then forget about returning to the college. Go somewhere else . . .”

“You mean leave?”

“Yes, forget it . . .”

“But you said that you would help me!”

“I did and I am –”

“But what about seeing Mr. Emerson?”

“Oh, God! Don’t you see that it’s best that you do not see him?”

Suddenly I could not breathe. Then I was standing, gripping my brief

case. “What have you got against me?” I blurted. “What did I ever do to

you? You never intended to let me see him. Even though I presented my

letter of introduction. Why? Why? I’d never endanger your job –”

“No, no, no! Of course not,” he cried, getting to his feet. “You’ve

misunderstood me. You mustn’t do that! God, there’s too much

misunderstanding. Please don’t think I’m trying to prevent you from seeing

my — from seeing Mr. Emerson out of prejudice . . .”

“Yes, sir, I do,” I said angrily. “I was sent here by a friend of his.

You read the letter, but still you refuse to let me see him, and now you’re

trying to get me to leave college. What kind of man are you, anyway? What

have you got against me? You, a northern white man!”

He looked pained. “I’ve done it badly,” he said, “but you must

believe that I am trying to advise you what is best for you.” He snatched off

his glasses.

“But I know what’s best for me,” I said. “Or at least Dr. Bledsoe

does, and if I can’t see Mr. Emerson today, just tell me when I can and I’ll

be here . . .”

He bit his lips and shut his eyes, shaking his head from side to side

as though fighting back a scream. “I’m sorry, really sorry that I started all of

this,” he said, suddenly calm. “It was foolish of me to try to advise you, but

please, you mustn’t believe that I’m against you . . . or your race. I’m your

friend. Some of the finest people I know are Neg — Well, you see, Mr.

Emerson is my father.”

“Your father!”

“My father, yes, though I would have preferred it otherwise. But he

is, and I could arrange for you to see him. But to be utterly frank, I’m

incapable of such cynicism. It would do you no good.”

“But I’d like to take my chances, Mr. Emerson, sir . . . This is very

important to me. My whole career depends upon it.”

“But you have no chance,” he said.

“But Dr. Bledsoe sent me here,” I said, growing more excited. “I

must have a chance . . .”

“Dr. Bledsoe,” he said with distaste. “He’s like my . . . he ought to

be horsewhipped! Here,” he said, sweeping up the letter and thrusting it

crackling toward me. I took it, looking into his eyes that burned back at me.

“Go on, read it,” he cried excitedly. “Go on!”

“But I wasn’t asking for this,” I said.

“Read it!”

My dear Mr. Emerson:

The bearer of this letter is a former student of ours (I say former

because he shall never, under any circumstances, be enrolled as a student

here again) who has been expelled for a most serious defection from our

strictest rules of deportment.

Due, however, to circumstances the nature of which I shall explain to

you in person on the occasion of the next meeting of the board, it is to the

best interests of the college that this young man have no knowledge of the

finality of his expulsion. For it is indeed his hope to return here to his

classes in the fall. However, it is to the best interests of the great work which

we are dedicated to perform, that he continue undisturbed in these vain

hopes while remaining as far as possible from our midst.

This case represents, my dear Mr. Emerson, one of the rare, delicate

instances in which one for whom we held great expectations has gone

grievously astray, and who in his fall threatens to upset certain delicate

relationships between certain interested individuals and the school. Thus,

while the bearer is no longer a member of our scholastic family, it is highly

important that his severance with the college be executed as painlessly as

possible. I beg of you, sir, to help him continue in the direction of that

promise which, like the horizon, recedes ever brightly and distantly beyond

the hopeful traveler.

Respectfully, I am your humble servant,

A. Herbert Bledsoe

I raised my head. Twenty-five years seemed to have lapsed between

his handing me the letter and my grasping its message. I could not believe it,

tried to read it again. I could not believe it, yet I had a feeling that it all

had happened before. I rubbed my eyes, and they felt sandy as though all the

fluids had suddenly dried.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m terribly sorry.”

“What did I do? I always tried to do the right thing

“That you must tell me,” he said. “To what does he refer?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know . . .”

“But you must have done something.”

“I took a man for a drive, showed him into the Golden Day to help

him when he became ill … I don’t know

I told him falteringly of the visit to Trueblood’s and the trip to the

Golden Day and of my expulsion, watching his mobile face reflecting his

reaction to each detail.

“It’s little enough,” he said when I had finished. “I don’t understand

the man. He is very complicated.”

“I only wanted to return and help,” I said.

“You’ll never return. You can’t return now,” he said. “Don’t you see?

I’m terribly sorry and yet I’m glad that I gave in to the impulse to speak to

you. Forget it; though that’s advice which I’ve been unable to accept myself,

it’s still good advice. There is no point in blinding yourself to the truth. Don’t

blind yourself . . .”

I got up, dazed, and started toward the door. He came behind me

into the reception room where the birds flamed in the cage, their squawks

like screams in a nightmare.

He stammered guiltily, “Please, I must ask you never to mention this

conversation to anyone.”

“No,” I said.

“I wouldn’t mind, but my father would consider my revelation the

most extreme treason . . . You’re free of him now. I’m still his prisoner. You

have been freed, don’t you understand? I’ve still my battle.” He seemed near

tears.

“I won’t,” I said. “No one would believe me. I can’t myself. There

must be some mistake. There must be . . .”

I opened the door.

“Look, fellow,” he said. “This evening I’m having a party at the

Calamus. Would you like to join my guests? It might help you –”

“No, thank you, sir. I’ll be all right.”

“Perhaps you’d like to be my valet?”

I looked at him. “No, thank you, sir,” I said.

“Please,” he said. “I really want to help. Look, I happen to know of a

possible job at Liberty Paints. My father has sent several fellows there . . .

You should try –”

I shut the door.

The elevator dropped me like a shot and I went out and walked

along the street. The sun was very bright now and the people along the walk

seemed far away. I stopped before a gray wall where high above me the

headstones of a church graveyard arose like the tops of buildings. Across the

street in the shade of an awning a shoeshine boy was dancing for pennies. I

went on to the corner and got on a bus and went automatically to the rear.

In the seat in front of me a dark man in a panama hat kept whistling a tune

between his teeth. My mind, flew in circles, to Bledsoe, Emerson and back

again. There was no sense to be made of it. It was a joke. Hell, it couldn’t

be a joke. Yes, it is a joke . . . Suddenly the bus jerked to a stop and I

heard myself humming the same tune that the man ahead was whistling, and

the words came back:

O well they picked poor Robin clean

O well they picked poor Robin clean

Well they tied poor Robin to a stump

Lawd, they picked all the feathers round from Robin’s rump

Well they picked poor Robin clean.

Then I was on my feet, hurrying to the door, hearing the thin,

tissue-paper-against-the-teeth-of-a-comb whistle following me outside at the

next stop. I stood trembling at the curb, watching and half expecting to see

the man leap from the door to follow me, whistling the old forgotten jingle

about a bare-rumped robin. My mind seized upon the tune. I took the

subway and it still droned through my mind after I had reached my room at

Men’s House and lay across the bed. What was the

who-what-when-why-where of poor old Robin? What had he done and who

had tied him and why had they plucked him and why had we sung of his

fate? It was for a laugh, for a laugh, all the kids had laughed and laughed,

and the droll tuba player of the old Elk’s band had rendered it solo on his

helical horn; with comical flourishes and doleful phrasing, “Boo boo boo

booooo, Poor Robin clean” — a mock funeral dirge . . . But who was Robin

and for what had he been hurt and humiliated?

Suddenly I lay shaking with anger. It was no good. I thought of

young Emerson. What if he’d lied out of some ulterior motive of his own?

Everyone seemed to have some plan for me, and beneath that some more

secret plan. What was young Emerson’s plan — and why should it have

included me? Who was I anyway? I tossed fitfully. Perhaps it was a test of

my good will and faith — But that’s a lie, I thought. It’s a lie and you know

it’s a lie. I had seen the letter and it had practically ordered me killed. By

slow degrees . . .

“My dear Mr. Emerson,” I said aloud. “The Robin bearing this letter

is a former student. Please hope him to death, and keep him running. Your

most humble and obedient servant, A. H. Bledsoe . . .”

Sure, that’s the way it was, I thought, a short, concise verbal coup de

grace, straight to the nape of the neck. And Emerson would write in reply?

Sure: “Dear Bled, have met Robin and shaved tail. Signed, Emerson.”

I sat on the bed and laughed. They’d sent me to the rookery, all

right. I laughed and felt numb and weak, knowing that soon the pain would

come and that no matter what happened to me I’d never be the same. I felt

numb and I was laughing. When I stopped, gasping for breath, I decided that

I would go back and kill Bledsoe. Yes, I thought, I owe it to the race and to

myself. I’ll kill him.

And the boldness of the idea and the anger behind it made me move

with decision. I had to have a job and I took what I hoped was the quickest

means. I called the plant young Emerson had mentioned, and it worked. I

was told to report the following morning. It happened so quickly and with

such ease that for a moment I felt turned around. Had they planned it this

way? But no, they wouldn’t catch me again. This time I had made the move.

I could hardly get to sleep for dreaming of revenge.

Chapter 10

The plant was in Long Island, and I crossed a bridge in the fog to

get there and came down in a stream of workers. Ahead of me a huge

electric sign announced its message through the drifting strands of fog:

KEEP AMERICA PURE

WITH

LIBERTY PAINTS

Flags were fluttering in the breeze from each of a maze of buildings

below the sign, and for a moment it was like watching some vast patriotic

ceremony from a distance. But no shots were fired and no bugles sounded. I

hurried ahead with the others through the fog.

I was worried, since I had used Emerson’s name without his

permission, but when I found my way to the personnel office it worked like

magic. I was interviewed by a little droopy-eyed man named Mr. MacDuffy

and sent to work for a Mr. Kimbro. An office boy came along to direct me.

“If Kimbro needs him,” MacDuffy told the boy, “come back and have

his name entered on the shipping department’s payroll.”

“It’s tremendous,” I said as we left the building. “It looks like a small

city.”

“It’s big all right,” he said. “We’re one of the biggest outfits in the

business. Make a lot of paint for the government.”

We entered one of the buildings now and started down a pure white

hall.

“You better leave your things in the locker room,” he said, opening a

door through which I saw a room with low wooden benches and rows of

green lockers. There were keys in several of the locks, and he selected one

for me. “Put your stuff in there and take the key,” he said. Dressing, I felt

nervous. He sprawled with one foot on a bench, watching me closely as he

chewed on a match stem. Did he suspect that Emerson hadn’t sent me?

“They have a new racket around here,” he said, twirling the match

between his finger and thumb. There was a note of insinuation in his voice,

and I looked up from tying my shoe, breathing with conscious evenness.

“What kind of racket?” I said.

“Oh, you know. The wise guys firing the regular guys and putting on

you colored college boys. Pretty smart,” he said. “That way they don’t have to

pay union wages.”

“How did you know I went to college?” I said.

“Oh, there’re about six of you guys out here already. Some up in the

testing lab. Everybody knows about that.”

“But I had no idea that was why I was hired,” I said.

“Forget it, Mac,” he said. “It’s not your fault. You new guys don’t

know the score. Just like the union says, it’s the wise guys in the office.

They’re the ones who make scabs out of you — Hey! we better hurry.”

We entered a long, shed-like room in which I saw a series of

overhead doors along one side and a row of small offices on the other. I

followed the boy down an aisle between endless cans, buckets and drums

labeled with the company’s trademark, a screaming eagle. The paint was

stacked in neatly pyramided lots along the concrete floor. Then, starting into

one of the offices, the boy stopped short and grinned.

“Listen to that!”

Someone inside the office was swearing violently over a telephone.

“Who’s that?” I asked.

He grinned. “Your boss, the terrible Mr. Kimbro. We call him

‘Colonel,’ but don’t let him catch you.”

I didn’t like it. The voice was raving about some failure of the

laboratory and I felt a swift uneasiness. I didn’t like the idea of starting to

work for a man who was in such a nasty mood. Perhaps he was angry at one

of the men from the school, and that wouldn’t make him feel too friendly

toward me.

“Let’s go in,” the boy said. “I’ve got to get back.”

As we entered, the man slammed down the phone and picked up

some papers.

“Mr. MacDuffy wants to know if you can use this new man,” the boy

said.

“You damn right I can use him and . . .” the voice trailed off, the

eyes above the stiff military mustache going hard.

“Well, can you use him?” the boy said. “I got to go make out his

card.”

“Okay,” the man said finally. “I can use him. I gotta. What’s his

name?”

The boy read my name off a card.

“All right,” he said, “you go right to work. And you,” he said to the

boy, “get the hell out of here before I give you a chance to earn some of the

money wasted on you every payday!”

“Aw, gwan, you slave driver,” the boy said, dashing from the room.

Reddening, Kimbro turned to me, “Come along, let’s get going.”

I followed him into the long room where the lots of paint were

stacked along the floor beneath numbered markers that hung from the ceiling.

Toward the rear I could see two men unloading heavy buckets from a truck,

stacking them neatly on a low loading platform.

“Now get this straight,” Kimbro said gruffly. “This is a busy

department and I don’t have time to repeat things. You have to follow

instructions and you’re going to be doing things you don’t understand, so get

your orders the first time and get them right! I won’t have time to stop and

explain everything. You have to catch on by doing exactly what I tell you.

You got that?”

I nodded, noting that his voice became louder when the men across

the floor stopped to listen.

“All right,” he said, picking up several tools. “Now come over here.”

“He’s Kimbro,” one of the men said.

I watched him kneel and open one of the buckets, stirring a milky

brown substance. A nauseating stench arose. I wanted to step away. But he

stirred it vigorously until it became glossy white, holding the spatula like a

delicate instrument and studying the paint as it laced off the blade, back into

the bucket. Kimbro frowned.

“Damn those laboratory blubberheads to hell! There’s got to be dope

put in every single sonofabitching bucket. And that’s what you’re going to do,

and it’s got to be put in so it can be trucked out of here before 11:30.” He

handed me a white enamel graduate and what looked like a battery

hydrometer.

“The idea is to open each bucket and put in ten drops of this stuff,”

he said. “Then you stir it ’til it disappears. After it’s mixed you take this

brush and paint out a sample on one of these.” He produced a number of

small rectangular boards and a small brush from his jacket pocket. “You

understand?”

“Yes, sir.” But when I looked into the white graduate I hesitated; the

liquid inside was dead black. Was he trying to kid me?

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know, sir . . . I mean. Well, I don’t want to start by asking

a lot of stupid questions, but do you know what’s in this graduate?”

His eyes snapped. “You damn right I know,” he said. “You just do

what you’re told!”

“I just wanted to make sure, sir,” I said.

“Look,” he said, drawing in his breath with an exaggerated show of

patience. “Take the dropper and fill it full . . . Go on, do it!”

I filled it.

“Now measure ten drops into the paint . . . There, that’s it, not too

goddam fast. Now. You want no more than ten, and no less.”

Slowly, I measured the glistening black drops, seeing them settle

upon the surface and become blacker still, spreading suddenly out to the

edges.

“That’s it. That’s all you have to do,” he said. “Never mind how it

looks. That’s my worry. You just do what you’re told and don’t try to think

about it. When you’ve done five or six buckets, come back and see if the

samples are dry . . . And hurry, we’ve got to get this batch back off to

Washington by 11:30 . . .”

I worked fast but carefully. With a man like this Kimbro the least

thing done incorrectly would cause trouble. So I wasn’t supposed to think! To

hell with him. Just a flunkey, a northern redneck, a Yankee cracker! I mixed

the paint thoroughly, then brushed it smoothly on one of the pieces of board,

careful that the brush strokes were uniform.

Struggling to remove an especially difficult cover, I wondered if the

same Liberty paint was used on the campus, or if this “Optic White” was

something made exclusively for the government. Perhaps it was of a better

quality, a special mix. And in my mind I could see the brightly trimmed and

freshly decorated campus buildings as they appeared on spring mornings —

after the fall painting and the light winter snows, with a cloud riding over

and a darting bird above — framed by the trees and encircling vines. The

buildings had always seemed more impressive because they were the only

buildings to receive regular paintings; usually, the nearby houses and cabins

were left untouched to become the dull grained gray of weathered wood. And

I remembered how the splinters in some of the boards were raised from the

grain by the wind, the sun and the rain until the clapboards shone with a

satiny, silvery, silver-fish sheen. Like Trueblood’s cabin, or the Golden Day . .

. The Golden Day had once been painted white; now its paint was flaking

away with the years, the scratch of a finger being enough to send it

showering down. Damn that Golden Day! But it was strange how life

connected up; because I had carried Mr. Norton to the old rundown building

with rotting paint, I was here. If, I thought, one could slow down his

heartbeats and memory to the tempo of the black drops falling so slowly into

the bucket yet reacting so swiftly, it would seem like a sequence in a feverish

dream . . . I was so deep in reverie that I failed to hear Kimbro approach.

“How’s it coming?” he said, standing with hands on hips.

“All right, sir.”

“Let’s see,” he said, selecting a sample and running his thumb across

the board. “That’s it, as white as George Washington’s Sunday-go-to-meetin’

wig and as sound as the all-mighty dollar! That’s paint!” he said proudly.

“That’s paint that’ll cover just about anything!”

He looked as though I had expressed a doubt and I hurried to say,

“It’s certainly white all right.”

“White! It’s the purest white that can be found. Nobody makes a

paint any whiter. This batch right here is heading for a national monument!”

“I see,” I said, quite impressed.

He looked at his watch. “Just keep it up,” he said. “If I don’t hurry

I’ll be late for that production conference! Say, you’re nearly out of dope:

you’d better go in the tank room and refill it . . . And don’t waste any time!

I’ve got to go.”

He shot away without telling me where the tank room was. It was

easy to find, but I wasn’t prepared for so many tanks. There were seven;

each with a puzzling code stenciled on it. It’s just like Kimbro not to tell me,

I thought. You can’t trust any of them. Well, it doesn’t matter, I’ll pick the

tank from the contents of the drip cans hanging from the spigots.

But while the first five tanks contained clear liquids that smelled like

turpentine, the last two both contained something black like the dope, but

with different codes. So I had to make a choice. Selecting the tank with the

drip can that smelled most like the dope, I filled the graduate, congratulating

myself for not having to waste time until Kimbro returned.

The work went faster now, the mixing easier. The pigment and heavy

oils came free of the bottom much quicker, and when Kimbro returned I was

going at top speed. “How many have you finished?” he asked.

“About seventy-five, I think, sir. I lost count.”

“That’s pretty good, but not fast enough. They’ve been putting

pressure on me to get the stuff out. Here, I’ll give you a hand.”

They must have given him hell, I thought, as he got grunting to his

knees and began removing covers from the buckets. But he had hardly started

when he was called away.

When he left I took a look at the last bunch of samples and got a

shock: Instead of the smooth, hard surface of the first, they were covered

with a sticky goo through which I could see the grain of the wood. What on

earth had happened? The paint was not as white and glossy as before; it had

a gray tinge. I stirred it vigorously, then grabbed a rag, wiping each of the

boards clean, then made a new sample of each bucket. I grew panicky lest

Kimbro return before I finished. Working feverishly, I made it, but since the

paint required a few minutes to dry I picked up two finished buckets and

started lugging them over to the loading platform. I dropped them with a

thump as the voice rang out behind me. It was Kimbro.

“What the hell!” he yelled, smearing his finger over one of the

samples. “This stuff’s still wet!”

I didn’t know what to say. He snatched up several of the later

samples, smearing them, and letting out a groan. “Of all the things to happen

to me. First they take all my good men and then they send me you. What’d

you do to it?”

“Nothing, sir. I followed your directions,” I said defensively.

I watched him peer into the graduate, lifting the dropper and sniffing

it, his face glowing with exasperation.

“Who the hell gave you this?”

“No one . . .”

“Then where’d you get it?”

“From the tank room.”

Suddenly he dashed for the tank room, sloshing the liquid as he ran.

I thought, Oh, hell, and before I could follow, he burst out of the door in a

frenzy.

“You took the wrong tank,” he shouted. “What the hell, you trying to

sabotage the company? That stuff wouldn’t work in a million years. It’s

remover, concentrated remover! Don’t you know the difference?”

“No, sir, I don’t. It looked the same to me. I didn’t know what I was

using and you didn’t tell me. I was trying to save time and took what I

thought was right.”

“But why this one?”

“Because it smelled the same –” I began.

“Smelted!” he roared. “Goddamit, don’t you know you can’t smell shit

around all those fumes? Come on to my office!”

I was torn between protesting and pleading for fairness. It was not

all my fault and I didn’t want the blame, but I did wish to finish out the

day. Throbbing with anger I followed, listening as he called personnel.

“Hello? Mac? Mac, this is Kimbro. It’s about this fellow you sent me

this morning. I’m sending him in to pick up his pay . . . What did he do?

He doesn’t satisfy me, that’s what. I don’t like his work . . . So the old man

has to have a report, so what? Make him one. Tell him goddamit this fellow

ruined a batch of government stuff — Hey! No, don’t tell him that . . .

Listen, Mac, you got anyone else out there? . . . Okay, forget it.”

He crashed down the phone and swung toward me. “I swear I don’t

know why they hire you fellows. You just don’t belong in a paint plant. Come

on.”

Bewildered, I followed him into the tank room, yearning to quit and

tell him to go to hell. But I needed the money, and even though this was the

North I wasn’t ready to fight unless I had to. Here I’d be one against how

many?

I watched him empty the graduate back into the tank and noted

carefully when he went to another marked SKA-3-69-T-Y and refilled it. Next

time I would know.

“Now, for God’s sake,” he said, handing me the graduate, “be careful

and try to do the job right. And if you don’t know what to do, ask

somebody. I’ll be in my office.”

I returned to the buckets, my emotions whirling. Kimbro had

forgotten to say what was to be done with the spoiled paint. Seeing it there I

was suddenly seized by an angry impulse, and, filling the dropper with fresh

dope, I stirred ten drops into each bucket and pressed home the covers. Let

the government worry about that, I thought, and started to work on the

unopened buckets. I stirred until my arm ached and painted the samples as

smoothly as I could, becoming more skillful as I went along.

When Kimbro came down the floor and watched I glanced up silently

and continued stirring.

“How is it?” he said, frowning.

“I don’t know,” I said, picking up a sample and hesitating.

“Well?”

“It’s nothing . . . a speck of dirt,” I said, standing and holding out

the sample, a tightness growing within me.

Holding it close to his face, he ran his fingers over the surface and

squinted at the texture. “That’s more like it,” he said. “That’s the way it

oughta be.”

I watched with a sense of unbelief as he rubbed his thumb over the

sample, handed it back and left without a further word.

I looked at the painted slab. It appeared the same: a gray tinge

glowed through the whiteness, and Kimbro had failed to detect it. I stared for

about a minute, wondering if I were seeing things, inspected another and

another. All were the same, a brilliant white diffused with gray, I closed my

eyes for a moment and looked again and still no change. Well, I thought, as

long as he’s satisfied . . .

But I had a feeling that something had gone wrong, something far

more important than the paint; that either I had played a trick on Kimbro or

he, like the trustees and Bledsoe, was playing one on me . . .

When the truck backed up to the platform I was pressing the cover

on the last bucket — and there stood Kimbro above me.

“Let’s see your samples,” he said.

I reached, trying to select the whitest, as the blue-shirted truckmen

climbed through the loading door.

“How about it, Kimbro,” one of them said, “can we get started?”

“Just a minute, now,” he said, studying the sample, “just a minute . .

.”

I watched him nervously, waiting for him to throw a fit over the gray

tinge and hating myself for feeling nervous and afraid. What would I say?

But now he was turning to the truckmen.

“All right, boys, get the hell out of here.

“And you,” he said to me, “go see MacDuffy; you’re through.”

I stood there, staring at the back of his head, at the pink neck

beneath the cloth cap and the iron-gray hair. So he’d let me stay only to

finish the mixing. I turned away, there was nothing that I could do. I cursed

him all the way to the personnel office. Should I write the owners about

what had happened? Perhaps they didn’t know that Kimbro was having so

much to do with the quality of the paint. But upon reaching the office I

changed my mind. Perhaps that is how things are done here, I thought,

perhaps the real quality of the paint is always determined by the man who

ships it rather than by those who mix it. To hell with the whole thing . . .

I’ll find another job.

But I wasn’t fired. MacDuffy sent me to the basement of Building

No. 2 on a new assignment.

“When you get down there just tell Brockway that Mr. Sparland

insists that he have an assistant. You do whatever he tells you.”

“What is that name again, sir?” I said.

“Lucius Brockway,” he said. “He’s in charge.”

IT WAS a deep basement. Three levels underground I pushed upon a

heavy metal door marked “Danger” and descended into a noisy, dimly lit

room. There was something familiar about the fumes that filled the air and I

had just thought pine, when a high-pitched Negro voice rang out above the

machine sounds.

“Who you looking for down here?”

“I’m looking for the man in charge,” I called, straining to locate the

voice.

“You talkin’ to him. What you want?”

The man who moved out of the shadow and looked at me sullenly

was small, wiry and very natty in his dirty overalls. And as I approached him

I saw his drawn face and the cottony white hair showing beneath his tight,

striped engineer’s cap. His manner puzzled me. I couldn’t tell whether he felt

guilty about something himself, or thought I had committed some crime. I

came closer, staring. He was barely five feet tall, his overalls looking now as

though he had been dipped in pitch.

“All right,” he said. “I’m a busy man. What you want?”

“I’m looking for Lucius,” I said.

He frowned. “That’s me — and don’t come calling me by my first

name. To you and all like you I’m Mister Brockway . . .”

“You . . . ?” I began.

“Yeah, me! Who sent you down here anyway?”

“The personnel office,” I said. “I was told to tell you that Mr.

Sparland said for you to be given an assistant.”

“Assistant!” he said. “I don’t need no damn assistant! Old Man

Sparland must think I’m getting old as him. Here I been running things by

myself all these years and now they keep trying to send me some assistant.

You get on back up there and tell ’em that when I want an assistant I’ll ask

for one!”

I was so disgusted to find such a man in charge that I turned

without a word and started back up the stairs. First Kimbro, I thought, and

now this old . . .

“Hey! wait a minute!”

I turned, seeing him beckon.

“Come on back here a minute,” he called, his voice cutting sharply

through the roar of the furnaces.

I went back, seeing him remove a white cloth from his hip pocket

and wipe the glass face of a pressure gauge, then bend close to squint at the

position of the needle.

“Here,” he said, straightening and handing me the cloth, “you can

stay ’til I can get in touch with the Old Man. These here have to be kept

clean so’s I can see how much pressure I’m getting.”

I took the cloth without a word and began rubbing the glasses. He

watched me critically.

“What’s your name?” he said.

I told him, shouting it in the roar of the furnaces.

“Wait a minute,” he called, going over and turning a valve in an

intricate network of pipes. I heard the noise rise to a higher, almost

hysterical pitch, somehow making it possible to hear without yelling, our

voices moving blurrily underneath.

Returning, he looked at me sharply, his withered face an animated

black walnut with shrewd, reddish eyes.

“This here’s the first time they ever sent me anybody like you,” he

said as though puzzled. “That’s how come I called you back. Usually they

sends down some young white fellow who thinks he’s going to watch me a

few days and ask me a heap of questions and then take over. Some folks is

too damn simple to even talk about,” he said, grimacing and waving his hand

in a violent gesture of dismissal. “You an engineer?” he said, looking quickly

at me.

“An engineer?”

“Yeah, that’s what I asked you,” he said challengingly.

“Why, no, sir, I’m no engineer.”

“You sho?”

“Of course I’m sure. Why shouldn’t I be?”

He seemed to relax. “That’s all right then. I have to watch them

personnel fellows. One of them thinks he’s going to git me out of here, when

he ought to know by now he’s wasting his time. Lucius Brockway not only

intends to protect hisself, he knows how to do it! Everybody knows I been

here ever since there’s been a here — even helped dig the first foundation.

The Old Man hired me, nobody else; and, by God, it’ll take the Old Man to

fire me!”

I rubbed away at the gauges, wondering what had brought on this

outburst, and was somewhat relieved that he seemed to hold nothing against

me personally.

“Where you go to school?” he said.

I told him.

“Is that so? What you learning down there?”

“Just general subjects, a regular college course,” I said.

“Mechanics?”

“Oh no, nothing like that, just a liberal arts course. No trades.”

“Is that so?” he said doubtfully. Then suddenly, “How much pressure

I got on that gauge right there?”

“Which?”

“You see it,” he pointed. “That one right there!”

I looked, calling off, “Forty-three and two-tenths pounds.”

“Uh huh, uh huh, that’s right.” He squinted at the gauge and back at

me. “Where you learn to read a gauge so good?”

“In my high-school physics class. It’s like reading a clock.”

“They teach you that in high school?”

“That’s right.”

“Well, that’s going to be one of your jobs. These here gauges have to

be checked every fifteen minutes. You ought to be able to do that.”

“I think I can,” I said.

“Some kin, some caint. By the way, who hired you?”

“Mr. MacDuffy,” I said, wondering why all the questions.

“Yeah, then where you been all morning?”

“I was working over in Building No. 1.”

“That there’s a heap of building. Where ’bouts?”

“For Mr. Kimbro.”

“I see, I see. I knowed they oughtn’t to be hiring anybody this late

in the day. What Kimbro have you doing?”

“Putting dope in some paint that went bad,” I said wearily, annoyed

with all the questions.

His lips shot out belligerently. “What paint went bad?”

“I think it was some for the government . . .”

He cocked his head. “I wonder how come nobody said nothing to me

about it,” he said thoughtfully. “Was it in buckets or them little biddy cans?”

“Buckets.”

“Oh, that ain’t so bad, them little ones is a heap of work.” He gave

me a high dry laugh. “How you hear about this job?” he snapped suddenly,

as though trying to catch me off guard.

“Look,” I said slowly, “a man I know told me about the job;

MacDuffy hired me; I worked this morning for Mr. Kimbro; and I was sent

to you by Mr. MacDuffy.”

His face tightened. “You friends to one of those colored fellows?”

“Who?”

“Up in the lab?”

“No,” I said. “Anything else you want to know?”

He gave me a long, suspicious look and spat upon a hot pipe,

causing it to steam furiously. I watched him remove a heavy engineer’s watch

from his breast pocket and squint at the dial importantly, then turn to check

it with an electric clock that glowed from the wall. “You keep on wiping them

gauges,” he said. “I got to look at my soup. And look here.” He pointed to

one of the gauges. “I wants you to keep a ‘specially sharp eye on this here

sonofabitch. The last couple of days he’s ‘veloped a habit of building up too

fast. Causes me a heap of trouble. You see him gitting past 75, you yell, and

yell loud!”

He went back into the shadows and I saw a shaft of brightness mark

the opening of a door.

Running the rag over a gauge I wondered how an apparently

uneducated old man could gain such a responsible job. He certainly didn’t

sound like an engineer; yet he alone was on duty. And you could never be

sure, for at home an old man employed as a janitor at the Water Works was

the only one who knew the location of all of the water mains. He had been

employed at the beginning, before any records were kept, and actually

functioned as an engineer though he drew a janitor’s pay. Perhaps this old

Brockway was protecting himself from something. After all, there was

antagonism to our being employed. Maybe he was dissimulating, like some of

the teachers at the college, who, to avoid trouble when driving through the

small surrounding towns, wore chauffeur caps and pretended that their cars

belonged to white men. But why was he pretending with me? And what was

his job?

I looked around me. It was not just an engine room; I knew, for I

had been in several, the last at college. It was something more. For one

thing, the furnaces were made differently and the flames that flared through

the cracks of the fire chambers were too intense and too blue. And there

were the odors. No, he was making something down here, something that had

to do with paint, and probably something too filthy and dangerous for white

men to be willing to do even for money. It was not paint because I had been

told that the paint was made on the floors above, where, passing through, I

had seen men in splattered aprons working over large vats filled with whirling

pigment. One thing was certain: I had to be careful with this crazy Brockway;

he didn’t like my being here . . . And there he was, entering the room now

from the stairs.

“How’s it going?” he asked.

“All right,” I said. “Only it seems to have gotten louder.”

“Oh, it gets pretty loud down here, all right; this here’s the uproar

department and I’m in charge . . . Did she go over the mark?”

“No, it’s holding steady,” I said.

“That’s good. I been having plenty trouble with it lately. Haveta bust

it down and give it a good going over soon as I can get the tank clear.”

Perhaps he is the engineer, I thought, watching him inspect the

gauges and go to another part of the room to adjust a series of valves. Then

he went and said a few words into a wall phone and called me, pointing to

the valves.

“I’m fixing to shoot it to ’em upstairs,” he said gravely. “When I give

you the signal I want you to turn ’em wide open. ‘N when I give you the

second signal I want you to close ’em up again. Start with this here red one

and work right straight across . . .”

I took my position and waited, as he took a stand near the gauge.

“Let her go,” he called. I opened the valves, hearing the sound of

liquids rushing through the huge pipes. At the sound of a buzzer I looked up

. . .

“Start closing,” he yelled. “What you looking at? Close them valves!

“What’s wrong with you?” he asked when the last valve was closed.

“I expected you to call.”

“I said I’d signal you. Caint you tell the difference between a signal

and a call? Hell, I buzzed you. You don’t want to do that no more. When I

buzz you I want you to do something and do it quick!”

“You’re the boss,” I said sarcastically.

“You mighty right, I’m the boss, and don’t forgit it. Now come on

back here, we got work to do.”

We came to a strange-looking machine consisting of a huge set of

gears connecting a series of drum-like rollers. Brockway took a shovel and

scooped up a load of brown crystals from a pile on the floor, pitching them

skillfully into a receptacle on top of the machine.

“Grab a scoop and let’s git going,” he ordered briskly. “You ever done

this before?” he asked as I scooped into the pile.

“It’s been a long time,” I said. “What is this material?”

He stopped shoveling and gave me a long, black stare, then returned

to the pile, his scoop ringing on the floor. You’ll have to remember not to

ask this suspicious old bastard any questions, I thought, scooping into the

brown pile.

Soon I was perspiring freely. My hands were sore and I began to

tire. Brockway watched me out of the corner of his eye, snickering noiselessly.

“You don’t want to overwork yourself, young feller,” he said blandly.

“I’ll get used to it,” I said, scooping up a heavy load.

“Oh, sho, sho,” he said. “Sho. But you better take a rest when you

git tired.”

I didn’t stop. I piled on the material until he said, “That there’s the

scoop we been trying to find. That’s what we want. You better stand back a

little, ’cause I’m fixing to start her up.”

I backed away, watching him go over and push a switch. Shuddering

into motion, the machine gave a sudden scream like a circular saw, and sent

a tattoo of sharp crystals against my face. I moved clumsily away, seeing

Brockway grin like a dried prune. Then with the dying hum of the furiously

whirling drums, I heard the grains sifting lazily in the sudden stillness, sliding

sand-like down the chute into the pot underneath.

I watched him go over and open a valve. A sharp new smell of oil

arose.

“Now she’s all set to cook down; all we got to do is put the fire to

her,” he said, pressing a button on something that looked like the burner of

an oil furnace. There was an angry hum, followed by a slight explosion that

caused something to rattle, and I could hear a low roaring begin.

“Know what that’s going to be when it’s cooked?”

“No, sir,” I said. .

“Well that’s going to be the guts, what they call the vee-hicle of the

paint. Least it will be by time I git through putting other stuff with it.”

“But I thought the paint was made upstairs . . .”

“Naw, they just mixes in the color, make it look pretty. Right down

here is where the real paint is made. Without what I do they couldn’t do

nothing, they be making bricks without straw. An’ not only do I make up the

base, I fixes the varnishes and lots of the oils too . . .”

“So that’s it,” I said. “I was wondering what you did down here.”

“A whole lots of folks wonders about that without gitting anywhere.

But as I was saying, caint a single doggone drop of paint move out of the

factory lessen it comes through Lucius Brockway’s hands.”

“How long have you been doing this?”

“Long enough to know what I’m doing,” he said. “And I learned it

without all that education that them what’s been sent down here is suppose

to have. I learned it by doing it. Them personnel fellows don’t want to face

the facts, but Liberty Paints wouldn’t be worth a plugged nickel if they didn’t

have me here to see that it got a good strong base. Old Man Sparland know

it though. I caint stop laughing over the time when I was down with a touch

of pneumonia and they put one of them so-called engineers to pooling around

down here. Why, they started to having so much paint go bad they didn’t

know what to do. Paint was bleeding and wrinkling, wouldn’t cover or

nothing — you know, a man could make hisself all kinds of money if he

found out what makes paint bleed. Anyway, everything was going bad. Then

word got to me that they done put that fellow in my place and when I got

well I wouldn’t come back. Here I been with ’em so long and loyal and

everything. Shucks, I just sent ’em word that Lucius Brockway was retiring!

“Next thing you know here come the Old Man. He so old hisself his

chauffeur has to help him up them steep stairs at my place. Come in

a-puffing and a-blowing, says, ‘Lucius, what’s this I hear ’bout you retiring?’

” ‘Well, sir, Mr. Sparland, sir,’ I says, ‘I been pretty sick, as you well

know, and I’m gitting kinder along in my years, as you well know, and I

hear that this here Italian fellow you got in my place is doing so good I

thought I’d might as well take it easy round the house.’

“Why, you’d a-thought I’d done cursed him or something. ‘What kind

of talk is that from you, Lucius Brockway,’ he said, ‘taking it easy round the

house when we need you out to the plant? Don’t you know the quickest way

to die is to retire? Why, that fellow out at the plant don’t know a thing

about those furnaces. I’m so worried about what he’s going to do, that he’s

liable to blow up the plant or something that I took out some extra

insurance. He can’t do your job,’ he said. ‘He don’t have the touch. We

haven’t put out a first-class batch of paint since you been gone.’ Now that

was the Old Man hisself!” Lucius Brockway said.

“So what happened?” I said.

“What you mean, what happened?” he said, looking as though it were

the most unreasonable question in the world. “Shucks, a few days later the

Old Man had me back down here in full control. That engineer got so mad

when he found out he had to take orders from me he quit the next day.”

He spat on the floor and laughed. “Heh, heh, heh, he was a fool,

that’s what. A fool! He wanted to boss me and I know more about this

basement than anybody, boilers and everything. I helped lay the pipes and

everything, and what I mean is I knows the location of each and every pipe

and switch and cable and wire and everything else — both in the floors and

in the walls and out in the yard. Yes, sir! And what’s more, I got it in my

head so good I can trace it out on paper down to the last nut and bolt; and

ain’t never been to nobody’s engineering school neither, ain’t even passed by

one, as far as I know. Now what you think about that?”

“I think it’s remarkable,” I said, thinking, I don’t like this old man.

“Oh, I wouldn’t call it that,” he said. “It’s just that I been round here

so long. I been studying this machinery for over twenty-five years. Sho, and

that fellow thinking ’cause he been to some school and learned how to read a

blueprint and how to fire a boiler he knows more ’bout this plant than

Lucius Brockway. That fool couldn’t make no engineer ’cause he can’t see

what’s staring him straight in the face . . . Say, you forgittin’ to watch them

gauges.”

I hurried over, finding all the needles steady.

“They’re okay,” I called.

“All right, but I’m warning you to keep an eye on ’em. You caint

forgit down here, ’cause if you do, you liable to blow up something. They got

all this machinery, but that ain’t everything; we are the machines inside the

machine.

“You know the best selling paint we got, the one that made this here

business?” he asked as I helped him fill a vat with a smelly substance.

“No, I don’t.”

“Our white, Optic White.”

“Why the white rather than the others?”

” ‘Cause we started stressing it from the first. We make the best

white paint in the world, I don’t give a damn what nobody says. Our white is

so white you can paint a chunka coal and you’d have to crack it open with a

sledge hammer to prove it wasn’t white clear through!”

His eyes glinted with humorless conviction and I had to drop my

head to hide my grin.

“You notice that sign on top of the building?”

“Oh, you can’t miss that,” I said.

“You read the slogan?”

“I don’t remember, I was in such a hurry.”

“Well, you might not believe it, but I helped the Old Man make up

that slogan. ‘If It’s Optic White, It’s the Right White,’ ” he quoted with an

upraised finger, like a preacher quoting holy writ. “I got me a

three-hundred-dollar bonus for helping to think that up. These newfangled

advertising folks is been tryin’ to work up something about the other colors,

talking about rainbows or something, but hell, they caint get nowhere.”

” ‘If It’s Optic White, It’s the Right White,'” I repeated and suddenly

had to repress a laugh as a childhood jingle rang through my mind:

” ‘If you’re white, you’re right,’ ” I said.

“That’s it,” he said. “And that’s another reason why the Old Man

ain’t goin’ to let nobody come down here messing with me. He knows what a

lot of them new fellers don’t; he knows that the reason our paint is so good

is because of the way Lucius Brockway puts the pressure on them oils and

resins before they even leaves the tanks.” He laughed maliciously. “They

thinks ’cause everything down here is done by machinery, that’s all there is to

it. They crazy! Ain’t a continental thing that happens down here that ain’t as

iffen I done put my black hands into it! Them machines just do the cooking,

these here hands right here do the sweeting. Yes, sir! Lucius Brockway hit it

square on the head! I dips my fingers in and sweets it! Come on, let’s eat . .

.”

“But what about the gauges?” I said, seeing him go over and take a

thermos bottle from a shelf near one of the furnaces.

“Oh, we’ll be here close enough to keep an eye on ’em. Don’t you

worry ’bout that.”

“But I left my lunch in the locker room over at Building No. 1.”

“Go on and git it and come back here and eat. Down here we have

to always be on the job. A man don’t need no more’n fifteen minutes to eat

no-how; then I say let him git on back on the job.”

UpON opening the door I thought I had made a mistake. Men

dressed in splattered painters’ caps and overalls sat about on benches,

listening to a thin tubercular-looking man who was addressing them in a

nasal voice. Everyone looked at me and I was starting out when the thin man

called, “There’s plenty of seats for late comers. Come in, brother . . .”

Brother? Even after my weeks in the North this was surprising. “I

was looking for the locker room,” I spluttered.

“You’re in it, brother. Weren’t you told about the meeting?”

“Meeting? Why, no, sir, I wasn’t.”

The chairman frowned. “You see, the bosses are not co-operating,” he

said to the others. “Brother, who’s your foreman?”

“Mr. Brockway, sir,” I said.

Suddenly the men began scraping their feet and cursing. I looked

about me. What was wrong? Were they objecting to my referring to Brockway

as Mister?

“Quiet, brothers,” the chairman said, leaning across his table, his

hand cupped to his ear. “Now what was that, brother; who is your foreman?”

“Lucius Brockway, sir,” I said, dropping the Mister.

But this seemed only to make them more hostile. “Get him the hell

out of here,” they shouted. I turned. A group on the far side of the room

kicked over a bench, yelling, “Throw him out! Throw him out!”

I inched backwards, hearing the little man bang on the table for

order. “Men, brothers! Give the brother a chance . . .”

“He looks like a dirty fink to me. A first-class enameled fink!”

The hoarsely voiced word grated my ears like “nigger” in an angry

southern mouth . . .

“Brothers, please!” The chairman was waving his hands as I reached

out behind me for the door and touched an arm, feeling it snatch violently

away. I dropped my hand.

“Who sent this fink into the meeting, brother chairman? Ask him

that!” a man demanded.

“No, wait,” the chairman said. “Don’t ride that word too hard . . .”

“Ask him, brother chairman!” another man said.

“Okay, but don’t label a man a fink until you know for sure.” The

chairman turned to me. “How’d you happen in here, brother?”

The men quieted, listening.

“I left my lunch in my locker,” I said, my mouth dry.

“You weren’t sent into the meeting?”

“No, sir, I didn’t know about any meeting.”

“The hell he says. None of these finks ever knows!”

“Throw the lousy bastard out!”

“Now, wait,” I said.

They became louder, threatening.

“Respect the chair!” the chairman shouted. “We’re a democratic union

here, following democratic –”

“Never mind, git rid of the fink!”

“. . . procedures. It’s our task to make friends with all the workers.

And I mean all. That’s how we build the union strong. Now let’s hear what

the brother’s got to say. No more of that beefing and interrupting!”

I broke into a cold sweat, my eyes seeming to have become

extremely sharp, causing each face to stand out vivid in its hostility.

I heard, “When were you hired, friend?”

“This morning,” I said.

“See, brothers, he’s a new man. We don’t want to make the mistake

of judging the worker by his foreman. Some of you also work for

sonsabitches, remember?”

Suddenly the men began to laugh and curse. “Here’s one right here,”

one of them yelled.

“Mine wants to marry the boss’s daughter — a frigging eight-day

wonder!”

This sudden change made me puzzled and angry, as though they

were making me the butt of a joke.

“Order, brothers! Perhaps the brother would like to join the union.

How about it, brother?”

“Sir . . . ?” I didn’t know what to say. I knew very little about

unions — but most of these men seemed hostile . . . And before I could

answer a fat man with shaggy gray hair leaped to his feet, shouting angrily,

“I’m against it! Brothers, this fellow could be a fink, even if he was

hired right this minute! Not that I aim to be unfair to anybody, either.

Maybe he ain’t a fink,” he cried passionately, “but brothers, I want to remind

you that nobody knows it; and it seems to me that anybody that would work

under that sonofabitching, double-crossing Brockway for more than fifteen

minutes is just as apt as not to be naturally fink-minded! Please, brothers!”

he cried, waving his arms for quiet. “As some of you brothers have learned,

to the sorrow of your wives and babies, a fink don’t have to know about

trade unionism to be a fink! Finkism? Hell, I’ve made a study of finkism!

Finkism is born into some guys. It’s born into some guys, just like a good

eye for color is born into other guys. That’s right, that’s the honest, scientific

truth! A fink don’t even have to have heard of a union before,” he cried in a

frenzy of words. “All you have to do is bring him around the neighborhood

of a union and next thing you know, why, zip! he’s finking his finking ass

off!”

He was drowned out by shouts of approval. Men turned violently to

look at me. I felt choked. I wanted to drop my head but faced them as

though facing them was itself a denial of his statements. Another voice ripped

out of the shouts of approval, spilling with great urgency from the lips of a

little fellow with glasses who spoke with the index finger of one hand

upraised and the thumb of the other crooked in the suspender of his overalls:

“I want to put this brother’s remarks in the form of a motion: I

move that we determine through a thorough investigation whether the new

worker is a fink or no; and if he is a fink, let us discover who he’s finking

for! And this, brother members, would give the worker time, if he ain’t a

fink, to become acquainted with the work of the union and its aims. After all,

brothers, we don’t want to forget that workers like him aren’t so highly

developed as some of us who’ve been in the labor movement for a long time.

So I says, let’s give him time to see what we’ve done to improve the

condition of the workers, and then, if he ain’t a fink, we can decide in a

democratic way whether we want to accept this brother into the union.

Brother union members, I thank you!” He sat down with a bump.

The room roared. Biting anger grew inside me. So I was not so

highly developed as they! What did he mean? Were they all Ph.D.’s? I

couldn’t move; too much was happening to me. It was as though by entering

the room I had automatically applied for membership — even though I had

no idea that a union existed, and had come up simply to get a cold pork

chop sandwich. I stood trembling, afraid that they would ask me to join but

angry that so many rejected me on sight. And worst of all, I knew they were

forcing me to accept things on their own terms, and I was unable to leave.

“All right, brothers. We’ll take a vote,” the chairman shouted. “All in

favor of the motion, signify by saying ‘Aye’ . . .”

The ayes drowned him out.

“The ayes carried it,” the chairman announced as several men turned

to stare at me. At last I could move. I started out, forgetting why I had

come.

“Come in, brother,” the chairman called. “You can get your lunch

now. Let him through, you brothers around the door!”

My face stung as though it had been slapped. They had made their

decision without giving me a chance to speak for myself. I felt that every

man present looked upon me with hostility; and though I had lived with

hostility all my life, now for the first time it seemed to reach me, as though

I had expected more of these men than of others — even though I had not

known of their existence. Here in this room my defenses were negated,

stripped away, checked at the door as the weapons, the knives and razors and

owlhead pistols of the country boys were checked on Saturday night at the

Golden Day. I kept my eyes lowered, mumbling “Pardon me, pardon me,” all

the way to the drab green locker, where I removed the sandwich, for which I

no longer had an appetite, and stood fumbling with the bag, dreading to face

the men on my way out. Then still hating myself for the apologies made

coming over, I brushed past silently as I went back.

When I reached the door the chairman called, “Just a minute,

brother, we want you to understand that this is nothing against you

personally. What you see here is the results of certain conditions here at the

plant. We want you to know that we are only trying to protect ourselves.

Some day we hope to have you as a member in good standing.”

From here and there came a half-hearted applause that quickly died.

I swallowed and stared unseeing, the words spurting to me from a red, misty

distance.

“Okay, brothers,” the voice said, “let him pass.”

I STUMBLED through the bright sunlight of the yard, past the office

workers chatting on the grass, back to Building No. 2, to the basement. I

stood on the stairs, feeling as though my bowels had been flooded with acid.

Why hadn’t I simply left, I thought with anguish. And since I had

remained, why hadn’t I said something, defended myself? Suddenly I snatched

the wrapper off a sandwich and tore it violently with my teeth, hardly tasting

the dry lumps that squeezed past my constricted throat when I swallowed.

Dropping the remainder back into the bag, I held onto the handrail, my legs

shaking as though I had just escaped a great danger. Finally, it went away

and I pushed open the metal door.

“What kept you so long?” Brockway snapped from where he sat on a

wheelbarrow. He had been drinking from a white mug now cupped in his

grimy hands.

I looked at him abstractedly, seeing how the light caught on his

wrinkled forehead, his snowy hair. “I said, what kept you so long!” What had

he to do with it, I thought, looking at him through a kind of mist, knowing

that I disliked him and that I was very tired.

“I say . . .” he began, and I heard my voice come quiet from my

tensed throat as I noticed by the clock that I had been gone only twenty

minutes. “I ran into a union meeting –”

“Union!” I heard his white cup shatter against the floor as he

uncrossed his legs, rising. “I knowed you belonged to that bunch of

troublemaking foreigners! I knowed it! Git out!” he screamed. “Git out of my

basement!”

He started toward me as in a dream, trembling like the needle of

one of the gauges as he pointed toward the stairs, his voice shrieking. I

stared; something seemed to have gone wrong, my reflexes were jammed.

“But what’s the matter?” I stammered, my voice low and my mind

understanding and yet failing exactly to understand. “What’s wrong?”

“You heard me. Git out!”

“But I don’t understand . . .”

“Shut up and git!”

“But, Mr. Brockway,” I cried, fighting to hold something that was

giving way.

“You two-bit, trouble-making union louse!”

“Look, man,” I cried, urgently now, “I don’t belong to any union.”

“If you don’t git outta here, you low-down skunk,” he said, looking

wildly about the floor, “I’m liable to kill you. The Lord being my witness,

I’LL KILL YOU!”

It was incredible, things were speeding up. “You’ll do what?” I

stammered.

“I’LL KILL YOU, THAT’S WHAT!”

He had said it again and something fell away from me, and I

seemed to be telling myself in a rush: You were trained to accept the

foolishness of such old men as this, even when you thought them clowns and

fools; you were trained to pretend that you respected them and acknowledged

in them the same quality of authority and power in your world as the whites

before whom they bowed and scraped and feared and loved and imitated, and

you were even trained to accept it when, angered or spiteful, or drunk with

power, they came at you with a stick or strap or cane and you made no

effort to strike back, but only to escape unmarked. But this was too much . .

. he was not grandfather or uncle or father, nor preacher or teacher.

Something uncoiled in my stomach and I was moving toward him, shouting,

more at a black blur that irritated my eyes than at a clearly denned human

face, “YOU’LL KILL WHO?”

“YOU, THAT’S WHO!”

“Listen here, you old fool, don’t talk about killing me! Give me a

chance to explain. I don’t belong to anything — Go on, pick it up! Go on!” I

yelled, seeing his eyes fasten upon a twisted iron bar. “You’re old enough to

be my grandfather, but if you touch that bar, I swear I’ll make you eat it!”

“I done tole you, GIT OUTTA MY BASEMENT! You impudent

son’bitch,” he screamed.

I moved forward, seeing him stoop and reach aside for the bar; and

I was throwing myself forward, feeling him go over with a grunt, hard against

the floor, rolling beneath the force of my lunge. It was as though I had

landed upon a wiry rat. He scrambled beneath me, making angry sounds and

striking my face as he tried to use the bar. I twisted it from his grasp,

feeling a sharp pain stab through my shoulder. He’s using a knife flashed

through my mind and I slashed out with my elbow, sharp against his face,

feeling it land solid and seeing his head fly backwards and up and back again

as I struck again, hearing something fly free and skitter across the floor,

thinking, It’s gone, the knife is gone . . . and struck again as he tried to

choke me, jabbing at his bobbing head, feeling the bar come free and

bringing it down at his head, missing, the metal clinking against the floor,

and bringing it up for a second try and him yelling, “No, no! You the best,

you the best!”

“I’m going to beat your brains out!” I said, my throat dry, “stabbing

me . . .”

“No,” he panted. “I got enough. Ain’t you heard me say I got

enough?”

“So when you can’t win you want to stop! Damn you, if you’ve cut

me bad, I’ll tear your head off!”

Watching him warily, I got to my feet. I dropped the bar, as a flash

of heat swept over me: His face was caved in.

“What’s wrong with you, old man?” I yelled nervously. “Don’t you

know better than to attack a man a third your age?”

He blanched at being called old, and I repeated it, adding insults I’d

heard my grandfather use. “Why, you old-fashioned, slavery-time,

mammy-made, handkerchief-headed bastard, you should know better! What

made you think you could threaten my life? You meant nothing to me, I

came down here because I was sent. I didn’t know anything about you or the

union either. Why’d you start riding me the minute I came in? Are you

people crazy? Does this paint go to your head? Are you drinking it?”

He glared, panting tiredly. Great tucks showed in his overalls where

the folds were stuck together by the goo with which he was covered, and I

thought, Tar Baby, and wanted to blot him out of my sight. But now my

anger was flowing fast from action to words.

“I go to get my lunch and they ask me who I work for and when I

tell them, they call me a fink. A fink! You people must be out of your minds.

No sooner do I get back down here than you start yelling that you’re going

to kill me! What’s going on? What have you got against me? What did I do?”

He glowered at me silently, then pointed to the floor.

“Reach and draw back a nub,” I warned.

“Caint a man even git his teeth?” he mumbled, his voice strange.

“TEETH?”

With a shamed frown, he opened his mouth. I saw a blue flash of

shrunken gums. The thing that had skittered across the floor was not a knife,

but a plate of false teeth. For a fraction of a second I was desperate, feeling

some of my justification for wanting to kill him slipping away. My fingers

leaped to my shoulder, finding wet cloth but no blood. The old fool had

bitten me. A wild flash of laughter struggled to rise from beneath my anger.

He had bitten me! I looked on the floor, seeing the smashed mug and the

teeth glinting dully across the room.

“Get them,” I said, growing ashamed. Without his teeth, some of the

hatefulness seemed to have gone out of him. But I stayed close as he got his

teeth and went over to the tap and held them beneath a stream of water. A

tooth fell away beneath the pressure of his thumb, and I heard him

grumbling as he placed the plate in his mouth. Then, wiggling his chin, he

became himself again.

“You was really trying to kill me,” he said. He seemed unable to

believe it.

“You started the killing. I don’t go around fighting,” I said. “Why

didn’t you let me explain? Is it against the law to belong to the union?”

“That damn union,” he cried, almost in tears. “That damn union!

They after my job! I know they after my job! For one of us to join one of

them damn unions is like we was to bite the hand of the man who teached

us to bathe in a bathtub! I hates it, and I mean to keep on doing all I can

to chase it outta the plant. They after my job, the chickenshit bastards!”

Spittle formed at the corners of his mouth; he seemed to boil with

hatred.

“But what have I to do with that?” I said, feeling suddenly the older.

” ‘Cause them young colored fellers up in the lab is trying to join

that outfit, that’s what! Here the white man done give ’em jobs,” he wheezed

as though pleading a case. “He done give ’em good jobs too, and they so

ungrateful they goes and joins up with that backbiting union! I never seen

such a no-good ungrateful bunch. All they doing is making things bad for the

rest of us!”

“Well, I’m sorry,” I said, “I didn’t know about all that. I came here

to take a temporary job and I certainly didn’t intend to get mixed up in any

quarrels. But as for us, I’m ready to forget our disagreement — if you are . .

.” I held out my hand, causing my shoulder to pain.

He gave me a gruff look. “You ought to have more self-respect than

to fight an old man,” he said. “I got grown boys older than you.”

“I thought you were trying to kill me,” I said, my hand still

extended. “I thought you had stabbed me.”

“Well, I don’t like a lot of bickering and confusion myself,” he said,

avoiding my eyes. And it was as though the closing of his sticky hand over

mine was a signal. I heard a shrill hissing from the boilers behind me and

turned, hearing Brockway yell, “I tole you to watch them gauges. Git over to

the big valves, quick!”

I dashed for where a series of valve wheels projected from the wall

near the crusher, seeing Brockway scrambling away in the other direction,

thinking, Where’s he going? as I reached the valves, and hearing him yell,

“Turn it! Turn it!”

“Which?” I yelled, reaching.

“The white one, fool, the white one!”

I jumped, catching it and pulling down with all my weight, feeling it

give. But this only increased the noise and I seemed to hear Brockway laugh

as I looked around to see him scrambling for the stairs, his hands clasping

the back of his head, and his neck pulled in close, like a small boy who has

thrown a brick into the air.

“Hey you! Hey you!” I yelled. “Hey!” But it was too late. All my

movements seemed too slow, ran together. I felt the wheel resisting and tried

vainly to reverse it and tried to let go, and it sticking to my palms and my

fingers stiff and sticky, and I turned, running now, seeing the needle on one

of the gauges swinging madly, like a beacon gone out of control, and trying

to think clearly, my eyes darting here and there through the room of tanks

and machines and up the stairs so far away and hearing the clear new note

arising while I seemed to run swiftly up an incline and shot forward with

sudden acceleration into a wet blast of black emptiness that was somehow a

bath of whiteness.

It was a fall into space that seemed not a fall but a suspension.

Then a great weight landed upon me and I seemed to sprawl in an interval

of clarity beneath a pile of broken machinery, my head pressed back against

a huge wheel, my body splattered with a stinking goo. Somewhere an engine

ground in furious futility, grating loudly until a pain shot around the curve of

my head and bounced me off into blackness for a distance, only to strike

another pain that lobbed me back. And in that clear instant of consciousness

I opened my eyes to a blinding flash.

Holding on grimly, I could hear the sound of someone wading,

sloshing, nearby, and an old man’s garrulous voice saying, “I tole ’em these

here young Nineteen-Hundred boys ain’t no good for the job. They ain’t got

the nerves. Naw, sir, they just ain’t got the nerves.”

I tried to speak, to answer, but something heavy moved again, and I

was understanding something fully and trying again to answer but seemed to

sink to the center of a lake of heavy water and pause, transfixed and numb

with the sense that I had lost irrevocably an important victory.

Chapter 11

I was sitting in a cold, white rigid chair and a man was looking at

me out of a bright third eye that glowed from the center of his forehead. He

reached out, touching my skull gingerly, and said something encouraging, as

though I were a child. His fingers went away.

“Take this,” he said. “It’s good for you.” I swallowed. Suddenly my

skin itched, all over. I had on new overalls, strange white ones. The taste ran

bitter through my mouth. My fingers trembled.

A thin voice with a mirror on the end of it said, “How is he?”

“I don’t think it’s anything serious. Merely stunned.”

“Should he be sent home now?”

“No, just to be certain we’ll keep him here a few days. Want to keep

him under observation. Then he may leave.”

Now I was lying on a cot, the bright eye still burning into mine,

although the man was gone. It was quiet and I was numb. I closed my eyes

only to be awakened.

“What is your name?” a voice said.

“My head . . .” I said.

“Yes, but your name. Address?”

“My head — that burning eye . . .” I said.

“Eye?”

“Inside,” I said.

“Shoot him up for an X-ray,” another voice said.

“My head . . .”

“Careful!”

Somewhere a machine began to hum and I distrusted the man and

woman above me.

They were holding me firm and it was fiery and above it all I kept

hearing the opening motif of Beethoven’s Fifth — three short and one long

buzz, repeated again and again in varying volume, and I was struggling and

breaking through, rising up, to find myself lying on my back with two

pink-faced men laughing down.

“Be quiet now,” one of them said firmly. “You’ll be all right.” I raised

my eyes, seeing two indefinite young women in white, looking down at me. A

third, a desert of heat waves away, sat at a panel arrayed with coils and

dials. Where was I? From far below me a barber-chair thumping began and I

felt myself rise on the tip of the sound from the floor. A face was now level

with mine, looking closely and saying something without meaning. A whirring

began that snapped and cracked with static, and suddenly I seemed to be

crushed between the floor and ceiling. Two forces tore savagely at my

stomach and back. A flash of cold-edged heat enclosed me. I was pounded

between crushing electrical pressures; pumped between live electrodes like an

accordion between a player’s hands. My lungs were compressed like a bellows

and each time my breath returned I yelled, punctuating the rhythmical action

of the nodes.

“Hush, goddamit,” one of the faces ordered. “We’re trying to get you

started again. Now shut up!”

The voice throbbed with icy authority and I quieted and tried to

contain the pain. I discovered now that my head was encircled by a piece of

cold metal like the iron cap worn by the occupant of an electric chair. I tried

unsuccessfully to struggle, to cry out. But the people were so remote, the pain

so immediate. A faced moved in and out of the circle of lights, peering for a

moment, then disappeared. A freckled, red-haired woman with gold

nose-glasses appeared; then a man with a circular mirror attached to his

forehead — a doctor. Yes, he was a doctor and the women were nurses; it

was coming clear. I was in a hospital. They would care for me. It was all

geared toward the easing of pain. I felt thankful.

I tried to remember how I’d gotten here, but nothing came. My mind

was blank, as though I had just begun to live. When the next face appeared I

saw the eyes behind the thick glasses blinking as though noticing me for the

first time.

“You’re all right, boy. You’re okay. You just be patient,” said the

voice, hollow with profound detachment.

I seemed to go away; the lights receded like a tail-light racing down

a dark country road. I couldn’t follow. A sharp pain stabbed my shoulder. I

twisted about on my back, fighting something I couldn’t see. Then after a

while my vision cleared.

Now a man sitting with his back to me, manipulating dials on a

panel. I wanted to call him, but the Fifth Symphony rhythm racked me, and

he seemed too serene and too far away. Bright metal bars were between us

and when I strained my neck around I discovered that I was not lying on an

operating table but in a kind of glass and nickel box, the lid of which was

propped open. Why was I here?

“Doctor! Doctor!” I called.

No answer. Perhaps he hadn’t heard, I thought, calling again and

feeling the stabbing pulses of the machine again and feeling myself going

under and fighting against it and coming up to hear voices carrying on a

conversation behind my head. The static sounds became a quiet drone. Strains

of music, a Sunday air, drifted from a distance. With closed eyes, barely

breathing I warded off the pain. The voices droned harmoniously. Was it a

radio I heard — a phonograph? The vox humana of a hidden organ? If so,

what organ and where? I felt warm. Green hedges, dazzling with red wild

roses appeared behind my eyes, stretching with a gentle curving to an infinity

empty of objects, a limpid blue space. Scenes of a shaded lawn in summer

drifted past; I saw a uniformed military band arrayed decorously in concert,

each musician with well-oiled hair, heard a sweet-voiced trumpet rendering

“The Holy City” as from an echoing distance, buoyed by a choir of muted

horns; and above, the mocking obbligato of a mocking bird. I felt giddy. The

air seemed to grow thick with fine white gnats, filling my eyes, boiling so

thickly that the dark trumpeter breathed them in and expelled them through

the bell of his golden horn, a live white cloud mixing with the tones upon

the torpid air.

I came back. The voices still droned above me and I disliked them.

Why didn’t they go away? Smug ones. Oh, doctor, I thought drowsily, did you

ever wade in a brook before breakfast? Ever chew on sugar cane? You know,

doc, the same fall day I first saw the hounds chasing black men in stripes

and chains my grandmother sat with me and sang with twinkling eyes:

“Godamighty made a monkey

Godamighty made a whale

And Godamighty made a ‘gator

With hickeys all over his tail . . .”

Or you, nurse, did you know that when you strolled in pink organdy

and picture hat between the rows of cape jasmine, cooing to your beau in a

drawl as thick as sorghum, we little black boys hidden snug in the bushes

called out so loud that you daren’t hear:

“Did you ever see Miss Margaret boil water?

Man, she hisses a wonderful stream,

Seventeen miles and a quarter,

Man, and you can’t see her pot for the steam . . .”

But now the music became a distinct wail of female pain. I opened

my eyes. Glass and metal floated above me.

“How are you feeling, boy?” a voice said.

A pair of eyes peered down through lenses as thick as the bottom of

a Coca-Cola bottle, eyes protruding, luminous and veined, like an old biology

specimen preserved in alcohol.

“I don’t have enough room,” I said angrily.

“Oh, that’s a necessary part of the treatment.”

“But I need more room,” I insisted. “I’m cramped.”

“Don’t worry about it, boy. You’ll get used to it after a while. How is

your stomach and head?”

“Stomach?”

“Yes, and your head?”

“I don’t know,” I said, realizing that I could feel nothing beyond the

pressure around my head and the tender surface of my body. Yet my senses

seemed to focus sharply.

“I don’t feel it,” I cried, alarmed.

“Aha! You see! My little gadget will solve everything!” he exploded.

“I don’t know,” another voice said. “I think I still prefer surgery. And

in this case especially, with this, uh . . . background, I’m not so sure that I

don’t believe in the effectiveness of simple prayer.”

“Nonsense, from now on do your praying to my little machine. I’ll

deliver the cure.”

“I don’t know, but I believe it a mistake to assume that solutions —

cures, that is — that apply in, uh . . . primitive instances, are, uh . . .

equally effective when more advanced conditions are in question. Suppose it

were a New Englander with a Harvard background?”

“Now you’re arguing politics,” the first voice said banteringly.

“Oh, no, but it is a problem.”

I listened with growing uneasiness to the conversation fuzzing away

to a whisper. Their simplest words seemed to refer to something else, as did

many of the notions that unfurled through my head. I wasn’t sure whether

they were talking about me or someone else. Some of it sounded like a

discussion of history . . .

“The machine will produce the results of a prefrontal lobotomy

without the negative effects of the knife,” the voice said. “You see, instead of

severing the prefrontal lobe, a single lobe, that is, we apply pressure in the

proper degrees to the major centers of nerve control — our concept is Gestalt

— and the result is as complete a change of personality as you’ll find in your

famous fairy-tale cases of criminals transformed into amiable fellows after all

that bloody business of a brain operation. And what’s more,” the voice went

on triumphantly, “the patient is both physically and neurally whole.”

“But what of his psychology?”

“Absolutely of no importance!” the voice said. “The patient will live

as he has to live, and with absolute integrity. Who could ask more? He’ll

experience no major conflict of motives, and what is even better, society will

suffer no traumata on his account.”

There was a pause. A pen scratched upon paper. Then, “Why not

castration, doctor?” a voice asked waggishly, causing me to start, a pain

tearing through me.

“There goes your love of blood again,” the first voice laughed.

“What’s that definition of a surgeon, ‘A butcher with a bad conscience’?”

They laughed.

“It’s not so funny. It would be more scientific to try to define the

case. It has been developing some three hundred years –”

“Define? Hell, man, we know all that.”

“Then why don’t you try more current?”

“You suggest it?”

“I do, why not?”

“But isn’t there a danger . . . ?” the voice trailed off.

I heard them move away; a chair scraped. The machine droned, and

I knew definitely that they were discussing me and steeled myself for the

shocks, but was blasted nevertheless. The pulse came swift and staccato,

increasing gradually until I fairly danced between the nodes. My teeth

chattered. I closed my eyes and bit my lips to smother my screams. Warm

blood filled my mouth. Between my lids I saw a circle of hands and faces,

dazzling with light. Some were scribbling upon charts.

“Look, he’s dancing,” someone called.

“No, really?”

An oily face looked in. “They really do have rhythm, don’t they? Get

hot, boy! Get hot!” it said with a laugh.

And suddenly my bewilderment suspended and I wanted to be angry,

murderously angry. But somehow the pulse of current smashing through my

body prevented me. Something had been disconnected. For though I had

seldom used my capacities for anger and indignation, I had no doubt that I

possessed them; and, like a man who knows that he must fight, whether

angry or not, when called a son of a bitch, I tried to imagine myself angry —

only to discover a deeper sense of remoteness. I was beyond anger. I was

only bewildered. And those above seemed to sense it. There was no avoiding

the shock and I rolled with the agitated tide, out into the blackness.

When I emerged, the lights were still there. I lay beneath the slab of

glass, feeling deflated. All my limbs seemed amputated. It was very warm. A

dim white ceiling stretched far above me. My eyes were swimming with tears.

Why, I didn’t know. It worried me. I wanted to knock on the glass to attract

attention, but I couldn’t move. The slightest effort, hardly more than desire,

tired me. I lay experiencing the vague processes of my body. I seemed to

have lost all sense of proportion. Where did my body end and the crystal and

white world begin? Thoughts evaded me, hiding in the vast stretch of clinical

whiteness to which I seemed connected only by a scale of receding grays. No

sounds beyond the sluggish inner roar of the blood. I couldn’t open my eyes.

I seemed to exist in some other dimension, utterly alone; until after a while a

nurse bent down and forced a warm fluid between my lips. I gagged,

swallowed, feeling the fluid course slowly to my vague middle. A huge

iridescent bubble seemed to enfold me. Gentle hands moved over me,

bringing vague impressions of memory. I was laved with warm liquids, felt

gentle hands move through the indefinite limits of my flesh. The sterile and

weightless texture of a sheet enfolded me. I felt myself bounce, sail off like a

ball thrown over the roof into mist, striking a hidden wall beyond a pile of

broken machinery and sailing back. How long it took, I didn’t know. But now

above the movement of the hands I heard a friendly voice, uttering familiar

words to which I could assign no meaning. I listened intensely, aware of the

form and movement of sentences and grasping the now subtle rhythmical

differences between progressions of sound that questioned and those that

made a statement. But still their meanings were lost in the vast whiteness in

which I myself was lost.

Other voices emerged. Faces hovered above me like inscrutable fish

peering myopically through a glass aquarium wall. I saw them suspended

motionless above me, then two floating off, first their heads, then the tips of

their finlike fingers, moving dreamily from the top of the case. A thoroughly

mysterious coming and going, like the surging of torpid tides. I watched the

two make furious movements with their mouths. I didn’t understand. They

tried again, the meaning still escaping me. I felt uneasy. I saw a scribbled

card, held over me. All a jumble of alphabets. They consulted heatedly.

Somehow I felt responsible. A terrible sense of loneliness came over me; they

seemed to enact a mysterious pantomime. And seeing them from this angle

was disturbing. They appeared utterly stupid and I didn’t like it. It wasn’t

right. I could see smut in one doctor’s nose; a nurse had two flabby chins.

Other faces came up, their mouths working with soundless fury. But we are

all human, I thought, wondering what I meant.

A man dressed in black appeared, a long-haired fellow, whose

piercing eyes looked down upon me out of an intense and friendly face. The

others hovered about him, their eyes anxious as he alternately peered at me

and consulted my chart. Then he scribbled something on a large card and

thrust it before my eyes:

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

A tremor shook me; it was as though he had suddenly given a name

to, had organized the vagueness that drifted through my head, and I was

overcome with swift shame. I realized that I no longer knew my own name. I

shut my eyes and shook my head with sorrow. Here was the first warm

attempt to communicate with me and I was failing. I tried again, plunging

into the blackness of my mind. It was no use; I found nothing but pain. I

saw the card again and he pointed slowly to each word:

WHAT . . . IS . . . YOUR . . . NAME?

I tried desperately, diving below the blackness until I was limp with

fatigue. It was as though a vein had been opened and my energy syphoned

away; I could only stare back mutely. But with an irritating burst of activity

he gestured for another card and wrote:

WHO . . . ARE . . . YOU?

Something inside me turned with a sluggish excitement. This phrasing

of the question seemed to set off a series of weak and distant lights where

the other had thrown a spark that failed. Who am I? I asked myself. But it

was like trying to identify one particular cell that coursed through the torpid

veins of my body. Maybe I was just this blackness and bewilderment and

pain, but that seemed less like a suitable answer than something I’d read

somewhere.

The card was back again:

WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER’S NAME?

Mother, who was my mother? Mother, the one who screams when

you suffer — but who? This was stupid, you always knew your mother’s

name. Who was it that screamed? Mother? But the scream came from the

machine. A machine my mother? . . . Clearly, I was out of my head.

He shot questions at me: Where were you born? Try to think of your

name.

I tried, thinking vainly of many names, but none seemed to fit, and

yet it was as though I was somehow a part of all of them, had become

submerged within them and lost.

You must remember, the placard read. But it was useless. Each time

I found myself back in the clinging white mist and my name just beyond my

fingertips. I shook my head and watched him disappear for a moment and

return with a companion, a short, scholarly looking man who stared at me

with a blank expression. I watched him produce a child’s slate and a piece of

chalk, writing upon it:

WHO WAS YOUR MOTHER?

I looked at him, feeling a quick dislike and thinking, half in

amusement, I don’t play the dozens. And how’s your old lady today?

THINK

I stared, seeing him frown and write a long time. The slate was filled

with meaningless names.

I smiled, seeing his eyes blaze with annoyance. Old Friendly Face

said something. The new man wrote a question at which I stared in

wide-eyed amazement:

WHO WAS BUCKEYE THE RABBIT?

I was filled with turmoil. Why should he think of that? He pointed

to the question, word by word. I laughed, deep, deep inside me, giddy with

the delight of self-discovery and the desire to hide it. Somehow I was

Buckeye the Rabbit . . . or had been, when as children we danced and sang

barefoot in the dusty streets:

Buckeye the Rabbit

Shake it, shake it

Buckeye the Rabbit

Break it, break it . . .

Yet, I could not bring myself to admit it, it was too ridiculous — and

somehow too dangerous. It was annoying that he had hit upon an old

identity and I shook my head, seeing him purse his lips and eye me sharply.

BOY, WHO WAS BRER RABBIT?

He was your mother’s back-door man, I thought. Anyone knew they

were one and the same: “Buckeye” when you were very young and hid

yourself behind wide innocent eyes; “Brer,” when you were older. But why

was he playing around with these childish names? Did they think I was a

child? Why didn’t they leave me alone? I would remember soon enough when

they let me out of the machine . . . A palm smacked sharply upon the glass,

but I was tired of them. Yet as my eyes focused upon Old Friendly Face he

seemed pleased. I couldn’t understand it, but there he was, smiling and

leaving witrr the new assistant.

Left alone, I lay fretting over my identity. I suspected that I was

really playing a game with myself and that they were taking part. A kind of

combat. Actually they knew as well as I, and I for some reason preferred not

to face it. It was irritating, and it made me feel sly and alert. I would solve

the mystery the next instant. I imagined myself whirling about in my mind

like an old man attempting to catch a small boy in some mischief, thinking,

Who am I? It was no good. I felt like a clown. Nor was I up to being both

criminal and detective — though why criminal I didn’t know.

I fell to plotting ways of short-circuiting the machine. Perhaps if I

shifted my body about so that the two nodes would come together — No, not

only was there no room but it might electrocute me. I shuddered. Whoever

else I was, I was no Samson. I had no desire to destroy myself even if it

destroyed the machine; I wanted freedom, not destruction. It was exhausting,

for no matter what the scheme I conceived, there was one constant flaw —

myself. There was no getting around it. I could no more escape than I could

think of my identity. Perhaps, I thought, the two things are involved with

each other. When I discover who I am, I’ll be free.

It was as though my thoughts of escape had alerted them. I looked

up to see two agitated physicians and a nurse, and thought, It’s too late now,

and lay in a veil of sweat watching them manipulate the controls. I was

braced for the usual shock, but nothing happened. Instead I saw their hands

at the lid, loosening the bolts, and before I could react they had opened the

lid and pulled me erect.

“What’s happened?” I began, seeing the nurse pause to look at me.

“Well?” she said.

My mouth worked soundlessly.

“Come on, get it out,” she said.

“What hospital is this?” I said.

“It’s the factory hospital,” she said. “Now be quiet.”

They were around me now, inspecting my body, and I watched with

growing bewilderment, thinking, what is a factory hospital?

I felt a tug at my belly and looked down to see one of the

physicians pull the cord which was attached to the stomach node, jerking me

forward.

“What is this?” I said.

“Get the shears,” he said.

“Sure,” the other said. “Let’s not waste time.”

I recoiled inwardly as though the cord were part of me. Then they

had it free and the nurse clipped through the belly band and removed the

heavy node. I opened my mouth to speak but one of the physicians shook his

head. They worked swiftly. The nodes off, the nurse went over me with

rubbing alcohol. Then I was told to climb out of the case. I looked from face

to face, overcome with indecision. For now that it appeared that I was being

freed, I dared not believe it. What if they were transferring me to some even

more painful machine? I sat there, refusing to move. Should I struggle against

them?

“Take his arm,” one of them said.

“I can do it,” I said, climbing fearfully out.

I was told to stand while they went over my body with the

stethoscope.

“How’s the articulation?” the one with the chart said as the other

examined my shoulder.

“Perfect,” he said.

I could feel a tightness there but no pain.

“I’d say he’s surprisingly strong, considering,” the other said.

“Shall we call in Drexel? It seems rather unusual for him to be so

strong.”

“No, just note it on the chart.”

“All right, nurse, give him his clothes.”

“What are you going to do with me?” I said. She handed me clean

underclothing and a pair of white overalls.

“No questions,” she said. “Just dress as quickly as possible.”

The air outside the machine seemed extremenly rare. When I bent

over to tie my shoes I thought I would faint, but fought it off. I stood

shakily and they looked me up and down.

“Well, boy, it looks as though you’re cured,” one of them said.

“You’re a new man. You came through fine. Come with us,” he said.

We went slowly out of the room and down a long white corridor into

an elevator, then swiftly down three floors to a reception room with rows of

chairs. At the front were a number of private offices with frosted glass doors

and walls.

“Sit down there,” they said. “The director will see you shortly.”

I sat, seeing them disappear inside one of the offices for a second

and emerge, passing me without a word. I trembled like a leaf. Were they

really freeing me? My head spun. I looked at my white overalls. The nurse

said that this was the factory hospital . . . Why couldn’t I remember what

kind of factory it was? And why a factory hospital? Yes . . . I did remember

some vague factory; perhaps I was being sent back there. Yes, and he’d

spoken of the director instead of the head doctor; could they be one and the

same? Perhaps I was in the factory already. I listened but could hear no

machinery.

ACROSS the room a newspaper lay on a chair, but I was too

concerned to get it. Somewhere a fan droned. Then one of the doors with

frosted glass was opened and I saw a tall austere-looking man in a white

coat, beckoning to me with a chart.

“Come,” he said.

I got up and went past him into a large simply furnished office,

thinking, Now, I’ll know. Now.

“Sit down,” he said.

I eased myself into the chair beside his desk. He watched me with a

calm, scientific gaze.

“What is your name? Oh here, I have it,” he said, studying the chart.

And it was as though someone inside of me tried to tell him to be silent, but

already he had called my name and I heard myself say, “Oh!” as a pain

stabbed through my head and I shot to my feet and looked wildly around me

and sat down and got up and down again very fast, remembering. I don’t

know why I did it, but suddenly I saw him looking at me intently, and I

stayed down this time.

He began asking questions and I could hear myself replying fluently,

though inside I was reeling with swiftly changing emotional images that

shrilled and chattered, like a sound-track reversed at high speed.

“Well, my boy,” he said, “you’re cured. We are going to release you.

How does that strike you?”

Suddenly I didn’t know. I noticed a company calendar beside a

stethoscope and a miniature silver paint brush. Did he mean from the

hospital or from the job? . . .

“Sir?” I said.

“I said, how does that strike you?”

“All right, sir,” I said in an unreal voice. “I’ll be glad to get back to

work.”

He looked at the chart, frowning. “You’ll be released, but I’m afraid

that you’ll be disappointed about the work,” he said.

“What do you mean, sir?”

“You’ve been through a severe experience,” he said. “You aren’t ready

for the rigors of industry. Now I want you to rest, undertake a period of

convalescence. You need to become readjusted and get your strength back.”

“But, sir –”

“You mustn’t try to go too fast. You’re glad to be released, are you

not?”

“Oh, yes. But how shall I live?”

“Live?” his eyebrows raised and lowered. “Take another job,” he said.

“Something easier, quieter. Something for which you’re better prepared.”

“Prepared?” I looked at him, thinking, Is he in on it too? “I’ll take

anything, sir,” I said.

“That isn’t the problem, my boy. You just aren’t prepared for work

under our industrial conditions. Later, perhaps, but not now. And remember,

you’ll be adequately compensated for your experience.”

“Compensated, sir?”

“Oh, yes,” he said. “We follow a policy of enlightened

humanitarianism; all our employees are automatically insured. You have only

to sign a few papers.”

“What kind of papers, sir?”

“We require an affidavit releasing the company of responsibility,” he

said. “Yours was a difficult case, and a number of specialists had to be called

in. But, after all, any new occupation has its hazards. They are part of

growing up, of becoming adjusted, as it were. One takes a chance and while

some are prepared, others are not.”

I looked at his lined face. Was he doctor, factory official, or both? I

couldn’t get it; and now he seemed to move back and forth across my field

of vision, although he sat perfectly calm in his chair.

It came out of itself: “Do you know Mr. Norton, sir?” I said.

“Norton?” His brows knitted. “What Norton is this?”

Then it was as though I hadn’t asked him; the name sounded

strange. I ran my hand over my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “It occurred to me that you might. He was just a

man I used to know.”

“I see. Well” — he picked up some papers — “so that’s the way it is,

my boy. A little later perhaps we’ll be able to do something. You may take

the papers along if you wish. Just mail them to us. Your check will be sent

upon their return. Meanwhile, take as much time as you like. You’ll find that

we are perfectly fair.”

I took the folded papers and looked at him for what seemed to be

too long a time. He seemed to waver. Then I heard myself say, “Do you

know him?” my voice rising.

“Who?”

“Mr. Norton,” I said. “Mr. Norton!”

“Oh, why, no.”

“No,” I said, “no one knows anybody and it was too long a time

ago.”

He frowned and I laughed. “They picked poor Robin clean,” I said.

“Do you happen to know Bled?”

He looked at me, his head to one side. “Are these people friends of

yours?”

“Friends? Oh, yes,” I said, “we’re all good friends. Buddies from way

back. But I don’t suppose we get around in the same circles.”

His eyes widened. “No,” he said, “I don’t suppose we do. However,

good friends are valuable to have.”

I felt light-headed and started to laugh and he seemed to waver

again and I thought of asking him about Emerson, but now he was clearing

his throat and indicating that he was finished.

I put the folded papers in my overalls and started out. The door

beyond the rows of chairs seemed far away.

“Take care of yourself,” he said.

“And you,” I said, thinking, it’s time, it’s past time.

Turning abruptly, I went weakly back to the desk, seeing him looking

up at me with his steady scientific gaze. I was overcome with ceremonial

feelings but unable to remember the proper formula. So as I deliberately

extended my hand I fought down laughter with a cough.

“It’s been quite pleasant, our little palaver, sir,” I said. I listened to

myself and to his answer.

“Yes, indeed,” he said.

He shook my hand gravely, without surprise or distaste. I looked

down, he was there somewhere behind the lined face and outstretched hand.

“And now our palaver is finished,” I said. “Good-bye.”

He raised his hand. “Good-bye,” he said, his voice noncommittal.

Leaving him and going out into the paint-fuming air I had the

feeling that I had been talking beyond myself, had used words and expressed

attitudes not my own, that I was in the grip of some alien personality lodged

deep within me. Like the servant about whom I’d read in psychology class

who, during a trance, had recited pages of Greek philosophy which she had

overheard one day while she worked. It was as though I were acting out a

scene from some crazy movie. Or perhaps I was catching up with myself and

had put into words feelings which I had hitherto suppressed. Or was it, I

thought, starting up the walk, that I was no longer afraid? I stopped, looking

at the buildings down the bright street slanting with sun and shade. I was no

longer afraid. Not of important men, not of trustees and such; for knowing

now that there was nothing which I could expect from them, there was no

reason to be afraid. Was that it? I felt light-headed, my ears were ringing. I

went on.

Along the walk the buildings rose, uniform and close together. It was

day’s end now and on top of every building the flags were fluttering and

diving down, collapsing. And I felt that I would fall, had fallen, moved now

as against a current sweeping swiftly against me. Out of the grounds and up

the street I found the bridge by which I’d come, but the stairs leading back

to the car that crossed the top were too dizzily steep to climb, swim or fly,

and I found a subway instead.

Things whirled too fast around me. My mind went alternately bright

and blank in slow rolling waves. We, he, him — my mind and I — were no

longer getting around in the same circles. Nor my body either. Across the

aisle a young platinum blonde nibbled at a red Delicious apple as station

lights rippled past behind her. The train plunged. I dropped through the roar,

giddy and vacuum-minded, sucked under and out into late afternoon Harlem.

Chapter 12

When I came out of the subway, Lenox Avenue seemed to careen

away from me at a drunken angle, and I focused upon the teetering scene

with wild, infant’s eyes, my head throbbing. Two huge women with

spoiled-cream complexions seemed to struggle with their massive bodies as

they came past, their flowered hips trembling like threatening flames. Out

across the walk before me they moved, and a bright orange slant of sun

seemed to boil up and I saw myself going down, my legs watery beneath me,

but my head clear, too clear, recording the crowd swerving around me: legs,

feet, eyes, hands, bent knees, scuffed shoes, teethy-eyed excitement; and some

moving on unhalting.

And the big dark woman saying, Boy, is you all right, what’s wrong?

in a husky-voiced contralto. And me saying, I’m all right, just weak, and

trying to stand, and her saying, Why don’t y’all stand back and let the man

breathe? Stand back there y’all, and now echoed by an official tone, Keep

moving, break it up. And she on one side and a man on the other, helping

me to stand and the policeman saying, Are you all right? and me answering,

Yes, I just felt weak, must have fainted but all right now, and him ordering

the crowd to move on and the others moving on except the man and woman

and him saying, You sure you okay, daddy, and me nodding yes, and her

saying, Where you live son, somewhere around here? And me telling her

Men’s House and her looking at me shaking her head saying, Men’s House,

Men’s House, shucks that ain’t no place for nobody in your condition what’s

weak and needs a woman to keep an eye on you awhile. And me saying, But

I’ll be all right now, and her, Maybe you will and maybe you won’t. I live

just up the street and round the corner, you better come on round and rest

till you feel stronger. I’ll phone Men’s House and tell ’em where you at. And

me too tired to resist and already she had one arm and was instructing the

fellow to take the other and we went, me between them, inwardly rejecting

and yet accepting her bossing, hearing, You take it easy, I’ll take care of you

like I done a heap of others, my name’s Mary Rambo, everybody knows me

round this part of Harlem, you heard of me, ain’t you? And the fellow saying,

Sure, I’m Jenny Jackson’s boy, you know I know you, Miss Mary. And her

saying, Jenny Jackson, why, I should say you do know me and I know you,

you Ralston, and your mama got two more children, boy named Flint and gal

named Laurajean, I should say I know you — me and your mama and your

papa useta — And me saying, I’m all right now, really all right. And her

saying, And looking like that, you must be worse off even than you look, and

pulling me now saying, Here’s my house right here, hep me git him up the

steps and inside, you needn’t worry, son, I ain’t never laid eyes on you before

and it ain’t my business and I don’t care what you think about me but you

weak and caint hardly walk and all and you look what’s more like you

hungry, so just come on and let me do something for you like I hope you’d

do something for ole Mary in case she needed it, it ain’t costing you a penny

and I don’t want to git in your business, I just want you to lay down till you

rested and then you can go. And the fellow taking it up, saying, You in good

hands, daddy, Miss Mary always helping somebody and you need some help

’cause here you black as me and white as a sheet, as the ofays would say —

watch these steps. And going up some steps and then some more, growing

weaker, and the two warm around me on each side of me, and then inside a

cool dark room, hearing, Here, here’s the bed, lie him down there, there,

there now, that’s it, Ralston, now put his legs up — never mind the cover —

there, that’s it, now go out there in the kitchen and pour him a glass of

water, you’ll find a bottle in the ice-box. And him going and her placing

another pillow beneath my head, saying, Now you’ll be better and when you

git all right you’ll know how bad a shape you been in, here, now taka sip of

this water, and me drinking and seeing her worn brown fingers holding the

bright glass and a feeling of old, almost forgotten relief coming over me and

thinking in echo of her words, If I don’t think I’m sinking, look what a hole

I’m in, and then the soft cool splash of sleep.

I SAW her across the room when I awoke, reading a newspaper, her

glasses low across the bridge of her nose as she stared at the page intently.

Then I realized that though the glasses still slanted down, the eyes were no

longer focused on the page, but on my face and lighting with a slow smile.

“How you feel now?” she said.

“Much better.”

“I thought you would be. And you be even better after you have a

cup of soup I got for you in the kitchen. You slept a good long time.”

“Did I?” I said. “What time is it?”

“It’s about ten o’clock, and from the way you slept I suspects all you

needed was some rest . . . No, don’t git up yet. You got to drink your soup,

then you can go,” she said, leaving.

She returned with a bowl in a plate. “This here’ll fix you up,” she

said. “You don’t get this kind of service up there at Men’s House, do you?

Now, you just sit there and take your time. I ain’t got nothing to do but read

the paper. And I like company. You have to make time in the morning?”

“No, I’ve been sick,” I said. “But I have to look for a job.”

“I knowed you wasn’t well. Why you try to hide it?”

“I didn’t want to be trouble to anyone,” I said.

“Everybody has to be trouble to somebody. And you just come from

the hospital too.”

I looked up. She sat in the rocking chair bent forward, her arms

folded at ease across her aproned lap. Had she searched my pockets?

“How did you know that?” I said.

“There you go getting suspicious,” she said sternly. “That’s what’s

wrong with the world today, don’t nobody trust nobody. I can smell that

hospital smell on you, son. You got enough ether in those clothes to put to

sleep a dog!”

“I couldn’t remember telling you that I had been in the hospital.”

“No, and you didn’t have to. I smelled that out. You got people here

in the city?”

“No, ma’m,” I said. “They’re down South. I came up here to work so

I could go to school, and I got sick.”

“Now ain’t that too bad! But you’ll make out all right. What you plan

to make out of yourself?”

“I don’t know now; I came here wanting to be an educator. Now I

don’t know.”

“So what’s wrong with being an educator?”

I thought about it while sipping the good hot soup. “Nothing, I

suppose, I just think I’d like to do something else.”

“Well, whatever it is, I hope it’s something that’s a credit to the

race.”

“I hope so,” I said.

“Don’t hope, make it that way.”

I looked at her thinking of what I’d tried to do and of where it had

gotten me, seeing her heavy, composed figure before me.

“It’s you young folks what’s going to make the changes,” she said.

“Y’all’s the ones. You got to lead and you got to fight and move us all on up

a little higher. And I tell you something else, it’s the one’s from the South

that’s got to do it, them what knows the fire and ain’t forgot how it burns.

Up here too many forgits. They finds a place for theyselves and forgits the

ones on the bottom. Oh, heap of them talks about doing things, but they

done really forgot. No, it’s you young ones what has to remember and take

the lead.”

“Yes,” I said.

“And you have to take care of yourself, son. Don’t let this Harlem git

you. I’m in New York but New York ain’t in me, understand what I mean?

Don’t git corrupted.”

“I won’t. I’ll be too busy.”

“All right now, you looks to me like you might make something out

of yourself, so you be careful.”

I got up to go, watching her raise herself out of her chair and come

with me to the door.

“You ever decide you want a room somewhere beside Men’s House,

try me,” she said. “The rent’s reasonable.”

“I’ll remember that,” I said.

I WAS to remember sooner than I had thought. The moment I

entered the bright, buzzing lobby of Men’s House I was overcome by a sense

of alienation and hostility. My overalls were causing stares and I knew that I

could live there no longer, that that phase of my life was past. The lobby was

the meeting place for various groups still caught up in the illusions that had

just been boomeranged out of my head: college boys working to return to

school down South; older advocates of racial progress with Utopian schemes

for building black business empires; preachers ordained by no authority except

their own, without church or congregation, without bread or wine, body or

blood; the community “leaders” without followers; old men of sixty or more

still caught up in post-Civil-War dreams of freedom within segregation; the

pathetic ones who possessed nothing beyond their dreams of being gentlemen,

who held small jobs or drew small pensions, and all pretending to be

engaged in some vast, though obscure, enterprise, who affected the

pseudo-courtly manners of certain southern congressmen and bowed and

nodded as they passed like senile old roosters in a barnyard; the younger

crowd for whom I now felt a contempt such as only a disillusioned dreamer

feels for those still unaware that they dream — the business students from

southern colleges, for whom business was a vague, abstract game with rules

as obsolete as Noah’s Ark but who yet were drunk on finance. Yes, and that

older group with similar aspirations, the “fundamentalists,” the “actors” who

sought to achieve the status of brokers through imagination alone, a group of

janitors and messengers who spent most of their wages on clothing such as

was fashionable among Wall Street brokers, with their Brooks Brothers suits

and bowler hats, English umbrellas, black calfskin shoes and yellow gloves;

with their orthodox and passionate argument as to what was the correct tie

to wear with what shirt, what shade of gray was correct for spats and what

would the Prince of Wales wear at a certain seasonal event; should field

glasses be slung from the right or from the left shoulder; who never read the

financial pages though they purchased the Wall Street Journal religiously and

carried it beneath the left elbow, pressed firm against the body and grasped

in the left hand — always manicured and gloved, fair weather or foul — with

an easy precision (Oh, they had style) while the other hand whipped a tightly

rolled umbrella back and forth at a calculated angle; with their homburgs and

Chesterfields, their polo coats and Tyrolean hats worn strictly as fashion

demanded.

I could feel their eyes, saw them all and saw too the time when they

would know that my prospects were ended and saw already the contempt

they’d feel for me, a college man who had lost his prospects and pride. I

could see it all and I knew that even the officials and the older men would

despise me as though, somehow, in losing my place in Bledsoe’s world I had

betrayed them . . . I saw it as they looked at my overalls.

I had started toward the elevator when I heard the voice raised in

laughter and turned to see him holding forth to a group in the lobby chairs

and the rolls of fat behind the wrinkled, high-domed, close-cut head, and I

was certain that it was he and stooped without thought and lifted it shining,

full and foul, and moved forward two long steps, dumping its great brown,

transparent splash upon the head warned too late by someone across the

room. And too late for me to see that it was not Bledsoe but a preacher, a

prominent Baptist, who shot up wide-eyed with disbelief and outrage, and I

shot around and out of the lobby before anyone could think to stop me.

No one followed me and I wandered the streets amazed at my own

action. Later it began to rain and I sneaked back near Men’s House and

persuaded an amused porter to slip my things out to me. I learned that I

had been barred from the building for “ninety-nine years and a day.”

“You might not can come back, man,” the porter said, “but after

what you did, I swear, they never will stop talking about you. You really

baptized ole Rev!”

So THAT same night I went back to Mary’s, where I lived in a small

but comfortable room until the ice came.

It was a period of quietness. I paid my way with my compensation

money and found living with her pleasant except for her constant talk about

leadership and responsibility. And even this was not too bad as long as I

could pay my way. It was, however, a small compensation, and when after

several months my money ran out and I was looking again for a job, I found

her exceedingly irritating to listen to. Still, she never dunned me and was as

generous with her servings of food during mealtime as ever. “It’s just hard

times you going through,” she’d say. “Everybody worth his salt has his hard

times, and when you git to be somebody you’ll see these here very same hard

times helped you a heap.”

I didn’t see it that way. I had lost my sense of direction. I spent my

time, when not looking for work, in my room, where I read countless books

from the library. Sometimes, when there was still money, or when I had

earned a few dollars waiting table, I’d eat out and wander the streets until

late at night. Other than Mary I had no friends and desired none. Nor did I

think of Mary as a “friend”; she was something more — a force, a stable,

familiar force like something out of my past which kept me from whirling off

into some unknown which I dared not face. It was a most painful position,

for at the same time, Mary reminded me constantly that something was

expected of me, some act of leadership, some newsworthy achievement; and I

was torn between resenting her for it and loving her for the nebulous hope

she kept alive.

I had no doubt that I could do something, but what, and how? I had

no contacts and I believed in nothing. And the obsession with my identity

which I had developed in the factory hospital returned with a vengeance.

Who was I, how had I come to be? Certainly I couldn’t help being different

from when I left the campus; but now a new, painful, contradictory voice had

grown up within me, and between its demands for revengeful action and

Mary’s silent pressure I throbbed with guilt and puzzlement. I wanted peace

and quiet, tranquillity, but was too much aboil inside. Somewhere beneath the

load of the emotion-freezing ice which my life had conditioned my brain to

produce, a spot of black anger glowed and threw off a hot red light of such

intensity that had Lord Kelvin known of its existence, he would have had to

revise his measurements. A remote explosion had occurred somewhere,

perhaps back at Emerson’s or that night in Bledsoe’s office, and it had caused

the ice cap to melt and shift the slightest bit. But that bit, that fraction, was

irrevocable. Coming to New York had perhaps been an unconscious attempt to

keep the old freezing unit going, but it hadn’t worked; hot water had gotten

into its coils. Only a drop, perhaps, but that drop was the first wave of the

deluge. One moment I believed, I was dedicated, willing to lie on the blazing

coals, do anything to attain a position on the campus — then snap! It was

done with, finished, through. Now there was only the problem of forgetting it.

If only all the contradictory voices shouting inside my head would calm down

and sing a song in unison, whatever it was I wouldn’t care as long as they

sang without dissonance; yes, and avoided the uncertain extremes of the scale.

But there was no relief. I was wild with resentment but too much under

“self-control,” that frozen virtue, that freezing vice. And the more resentful I

became, the more my old urge to make speeches returned. While walking

along the streets words would spill from my lips in a mumble over which I

had little control. I became afraid of what I might do. All things were indeed

awash in my mind. I longed for home.

And while the ice was melting to form a flood in which I threatened

to drown I awoke one afternoon to find that my first northern winter had

set.

Chapter 13

At first I had turned away from the window and tried to read but

my mind kept wandering back to my old problems and, unable to endure it

any longer, I rushed from the house, extremely agitated but determined to get

away from my hot thoughts into the chill air.

At the entrance I bumped against a woman who called me a filthy

name, only causing me to increase my speed. In a few minutes I was several

blocks away, having moved to the next avenue and downtown. The streets

were covered with ice and soot-flecked snow and from above a feeble sun

filtered through the haze. I walked with my head down, feeling the biting air.

And yet I was hot, burning with an inner fever. I barely raised my eyes until

a car, passing with a thudding of skid chains whirled completely around on

the ice, then turned cautiously and thudded off again.

I walked slowly on, blinking my eyes in the chill air, my mind a blur

with the hot inner argument continuing. The whole of Harlem seemed to fall

apart in the swirl of snow. I imagined I was lost and for a moment there

was an eerie quiet. I imagined I heard the fall of snow upon snow. What did

it mean? I walked, my eyes focused into the endless succession of barber

shops, beauty parlors, confectioneries, luncheonettes, fish houses, and hog

maw joints, walking close to the windows, the snowflakes lacing swift

between, simultaneously forming a curtain, a veil, and stripping it aside. A

flash of red and gold from a window filled with religious articles caught my

eye. And behind the film of frost etching the glass I saw two brashly painted

plaster images of Mary and Jesus surrounded by dream books, love powders,

God-Is-Love signs, money-drawing oil and plastic dice. A black statue of a

nude Nubian slave grinned out at me from beneath a turban of gold. I

passed on to a window decorated with switches of wiry false hair, ointments

guaranteed to produce the miracle of whitening black skin. “You too can be

truly beautiful,” a sign proclaimed. “Win greater happiness with whiter

complexion. Be outstanding in your social set.”

I hurried on, suppressing a savage urge to push my fist through the

pane. A wind was rising, the snow thinning. Where would I go? To a movie?

Could I sleep there? I ignored the windows now and walked along, becoming

aware that I was muttering to myself again. Then far down at the corner I

saw an old man warming his hands against the sides of an odd-looking

wagon, from which a stovepipe reeled off a thin spiral of smoke that drifted

the odor of baking yams slowly to me, bringing a stab of swift nostalgia. I

stopped as though struck by a shot, deeply inhaling, remembering, my mind

surging back, back. At home we’d bake them in the hot coals of the fireplace,

had carried them cold to school for lunch, munched them secretly, squeezing

the sweet pulp from the soft peel as we hid from the teacher behind the

largest book, the World’s Geography. Yes, and we’d loved them candied, or

baked in a cobbler, deep-fat fried in a pocket of dough, or roasted with pork

and glazed with the well-browned fat; had chewed them raw — yams and

years ago. More yams than years ago though the time seemed endlessly

expanded, stretched thin as the spiraling smoke beyond all recall.

I moved again. “Get yo’ hot, baked Car’lina yam,” he called. At the

corner the old man, wrapped in an army overcoat, his feet covered with

gunny sacks, his head in a knitted cap, was puttering with a stack of paper

bags. I saw a crude sign on the side of the wagon proclaiming YAMS, as I

walked flush into the warmth thrown by the coals that glowed in a grate

underneath.

“How much are your yams?” I said, suddenly hungry.

“They ten cents and they sweet,” he said, his voice quavering with

age. “These ain’t none of them binding ones neither. These here is real,

sweet, yaller yams. How many?”

“One,” I said. “If they’re that good, one should be enough.”

He gave me a searching glance. There was a tear in the corner of his

eye. He chuckled and opened the door of the improvised oven, reaching

gingerly with his gloved hand. The yams, some bubbling with syrup, lay on a

wire rack above glowing coals that leaped to low blue flame when struck by

the draft of air. The flash of warmth set my face aglow as he removed one of

the yams and shut the door.

“Here you are, suh,” he said, starting to put the yam into a bag.

“Never mind the bag, I’m going to eat it. Here . . .”

“Thanks.” He took the dime. “If that ain’t a sweet one, I’ll give you

another one free of charge.”

I knew that it was sweet before I broke it; bubbles of brown syrup

had burst the skin.

“Go ahead and break it,” the old man said. “Break it and I’ll give

you some butter since you gon’ eat it right here. Lots of folks takes ’em

home. They got their own butter at home.”

I broke it, seeing the sugary pulp steaming in the cold. “Hold it over

here,” he said. He took a crock from a rack on the side of the wagon. “Right

here.”

I held it, watching him pour a spoonful of melted butter over the

yam and the butter seeping in. “Thanks.”

“You welcome. And I’ll tell you something.”

“What’s that?” I said.

“If that ain’t the best eating you had in a long time, I give you your

money back.”

“You don’t have to convince me,” I said. “I can look at it and see it’s

good.”

“You right, but everything what looks good ain’t necessarily good,” he

said. “But these is.”

I took a bite, finding it as sweet and hot as any I’d ever had, and

was overcome with such a surge of homesickness that I turned away to keep

my control. I walked along, munching the yam, just as suddenly overcome by

an intense feeling of freedom — simply because I was eating while walking

along the street. It was exhilarating. I no longer had to worry about who saw

me or about what was proper. To hell with all that, and as sweet as the yam

actually was, it became like nectar with the thought. If only someone who

had known me at school or at home would come along and see me now.

How shocked they’d be! I’d push them into a side street and smear their

faces with the peel. What a group of people we were, I thought. Why, you

could cause us the greatest humiliation simply by confronting us with

something we liked. Not all of us, but so many. Simply by walking up and

shaking a set of chitterlings or a well-boiled hog maw at them during the

clear light of day! What consternation it would cause! And I saw myself

advancing upon Bledsoe, standing bare of his false humility in the crowded

lobby of Men’s House, and seeing him there and him seeing me and ignoring

me and me enraged and suddenly whipping out a foot or two of chitterlings,

raw, uncleaned and dripping sticky circles on the floor as I shake them in his

face, shouting:

“Bledsoe, you’re a shameless chitterling eater! I accuse you of

relishing how bowels! Ha! And not only do you eat them, you sneak and eat

them in private when you think you’re unobserved! You’re a sneaking

chitterling lover! I accuse you of indulging in a filthy habit, Bledsoe! Lug

them out of there, Bledsoe! Lug them out so we can see! I accuse you before

the eyes of the world!” And he lugs them out, yards of them, with mustard

greens, and racks of pigs’ ears, and pork chops and black-eyed peas with dull

accusing eyes.

I let out a wild laugh, almost choking over the yam as the scene

spun before me. Why, with others present, it would be worse than if I had

accused him of raping an old woman of ninety-nine years, weighing ninety

pounds . . . blind in one eye and lame in the hip! Bledsoe would

disintegrate, disinflate! With a profound sigh he’d drop his head in shame.

He’d lose caste. The weekly newspapers would attack him. The captions over

his picture: Prominent Educator Reverts to Field Niggerism! His rivals would

denounce him as a bad example for the South. Editorials would demand that

he either recant or retire from public life. In the South his white folks would

desert him; he would be discussed far and wide, and all of the trustees’

money couldn’t prop up his sagging prestige. He’d end up an exile washing

dishes at the Automat. For down South he’d be unable to get a job on the

honey wagon.

This is all very wild and childish, I thought, but to hell with being

ashamed of what you liked. No more of that for me. I am what I am! I

wolfed down the yam and ran back to the old man and handed him twenty

cents, “Give me two more,” I said.

“Sho, all you want, long as I got ’em. I can see you a serious yam

eater, young fellow. You eating them right away?”

“As soon as you give them to me,” I said.

“You want ’em buttered?”

“Please.”

“Sho, that way you can get the most out of ’em. Yessuh,” he said,

handing over the yams, “I can see you one of these old-fashioned yam

eaters.”

“They’re my birthmark,” I said. “I yam what I am!”

“Then you must be from South Car’lina,” he said with a grin.

“South Carolina nothing, where I come from we really go for yams.”

“Come back tonight or tomorrow if you can eat some more,” he

called after me. “My old lady’ll be out here with some hot sweet potato fried

pies.”

Hot fried pies, I thought sadly, moving away. I would probably have

indigestion if I ate one — now that I no longer felt ashamed of the things I

had always loved, I probably could no longer digest very many of them. What

and how much had I lost by trying to do only what was expected of me

instead of what I myself had wished to do? What a waste, what a senseless

waste! But what of those things which you actually didn’t like, not because

you were not supposed to like them, not because to dislike them was

considered a mark of refinement and education — but because you actually

found them distasteful? The very idea annoyed me. How could you know? It

involved a problem of choice. I would have to weigh many things carefully

before deciding and there would be some things that would cause quite a bit

of trouble, simply because I had never formed a personal attitude toward so

much. I had accepted the accepted attitudes and it had made life seem simple

. . .

But not yams, I had no problem concerning them and I would eat

them whenever and wherever I took the notion. Continue on the yam level

and life would be sweet — though somewhat yellowish. Yet the freedom to eat

yams on the street was far less than I had expected upon coming to the city.

An unpleasant taste bloomed in my mouth now as I bit the end of the yam

and threw it into the street; it had been frost-bitten.

The wind drove me into a side street where a group of boys had set

a packing box afire. The gray smoke hung low and seemed to thicken as I

walked with my head down and eyes closed, trying to avoid the fumes. My

lungs began to pain; then emerging, wiping my eyes and coughing, I almost

stumbled over it: It was piled in a jumble along the walk and over the curb

into the street, like a lot of junk waiting to be hauled away. Then I saw the

sullen-faced crowd, looking at a building where two white men were toting

out a chair in which an old woman sat; who, as I watched, struck at them

feebly with her fists. A motherly-looking old woman with her head tied in a

handkerchief, wearing a man’s shoes and a man’s heavy blue sweater. It was

startling: The crowd watching silently, the two white men lugging the chair

and trying to dodge the blows and the old woman’s face streaming with angry

tears as she thrashed at them with her fists. I couldn’t believe it. Something,

a sense of foreboding, filled me, a quick sense of uncleanliness.

“Leave us alone,” she cried, “leave us alone!” as the men pulled their

heads out of range and sat her down abruptly at the curb, hurrying back into

the building.

What on earth, I thought, looking about me. What on earth? The old

woman sobbed, pointing to the stuff piled along the curb. “Just look what

they doing to us. Just look,” looking straight at me. And I realized that what

I’d taken for junk was actually worn household furnishings.

“Just look at what they doing,” she said, her teary eyes upon my

face.

I looked away embarrassed, staring into the rapidly growing crowd.

Faces were peering sullenly from the windows above. And now as the two

men reappeared at the top of the steps carrying a battered chest of drawers,

I saw a third man come out and stand behind them, pulling at his ear as he

looked out over the crowd.

“Shake it up, you fellows,” he said, “shake it up. We don’t have all

day.”

Then the men came down with the chest and I saw the crowd give

way sullenly, the men trudging through, grunting and putting the chest at the

curb, then returning into the building without a glance to left or right.

“Look at that,” a slender man near me said. “We ought to beat the

hell out of those paddies!”

I looked silently into his face, taut and ashy in the cold, his eyes

trained upon the men going up the steps.

“Sho, we ought to stop ’em,” another man said, “but ain’t that much

nerve in the whole bunch.”

“There’s plenty nerve,” the slender man said. “All they need is

someone to set it off. All they need is a leader. You mean you don’t have the

nerve.”

“Who me?” the man said. “Who me?”

“Yes, you.”

“Just look,” the old woman said, “just look,” her face still turned

toward mine. I turned away, edging closer to the two men.

“Who are those men?” I said, edging closer.

“Marshals or something. I don’t give a damn who they is.”

“Marshals, hell,” another man said. “Those guys doing all the toting

ain’t nothing but trusties. Soon as they get through they’ll lock ’em up again.”

“I don’t care who they are, they got no business putting these old

folks out on the sidewalk.”

“You mean they’re putting them out of their apartment?” I said.

“They can do that up here?”

“Man, where you from?” he said, swinging toward me.

“What does it look like they puttin’ them out of, a Pullman car?

They being evicted!”

I was embarrassed; others were turning to stare. I had never seen an

eviction. Someone snickered.

“Where did he come from?”

A flash of heat went over me and J turned. “Look, friends,” I said,

hearing a hot edge coming into my voice. “I asked a civil question. If you

don’t care to answer, don’t, but don’t try to make me look ridiculous.”

“Ridiculous? Hell, all scobos is ridiculous. Who the hell is you?”

“Never mind, I am who I am. Just don’t beat up your gums at me,”

I said, throwing him a newly acquired phrase.

Just then one of the men came down the steps with an armful of

articles, and I saw the old woman reach up, yelling, “Take your hands off my

Bible!” And the crowd surged forward.

The white man’s hot eyes swept the crowd. “Where, lady?” he said. “I

don’t see any Bible.”

And I saw her snatch the Book from his arms, clutching it fiercely

and sending forth a shriek. “They can come in your home and do what they

want to you,” she said. “Just come stomping in and jerk your life up by the

roots! But this here’s the last straw. They ain’t going to bother with my

Bible!”

The white man eyed the crowd. “Look, lady,” he said, more to the

rest of us than to her, “I don’t want to do this, I have to do it. They sent

me up here to do it. If it was left to me, you could stay here till hell freezes

over . . .”

“These white folks, Lord. These white folks,” she moaned, her eyes

turned toward the sky, as an old man pushed past me and went to her.

“Hon, Hon,” he said, placing his hand on her shoulder. “It’s the

agent, not these gentlemen. He’s the one; He says it’s the bank, but you

know he’s the one. We’ve done business with him for over twenty years.”

“Don’t tell me,” she said. “It’s all the white folks, not just one. They

all against us. Every stinking low-down one of them.”

“She’s right!” a hoarse voice said. “She’s right! They all is!”

Something had been working fiercely inside me, and for a moment I

had forgotten the rest of the crowd. Now I recognized a selfconsciousness

about them, as though they, we, were ashamed to witness the eviction, as

though we were all unwilling intruders upon some shameful event; and thus

we were careful not to touch or stare too hard at the effects that lined the

curb; for we were witnesses of what we did not wish to see, though curious,

fascinated, despite our shame, and through it all the old female,

mind-plunging crying.

I looked at the old people, feeling my eyes burn, my throat tighten.

The old woman’s sobbing was having a strange effect upon me-as when a

child, seeing the tears of its parents, is moved by both fear and sympathy to

cry. I turned away, feeling myself being drawn to the old couple by a warm,

dark, rising whirpool of emotion which I feared. I was wary of what the sight

of them crying there on the sidewalk was making me begin to feel. I wanted

to leave, but was too ashamed to leave, was rapidly becoming too much a

part of it to leave.

I turned aside and looked at the clutter of household objects which

the two men continued to pile on the walk. And as the crowd pushed me I

looked down to see looking out of an oval frame a portrait of the old couple

when young, seeing the sad, stiff dignity of the faces there; feeling strange

memories awakening that began an echoing in my head like that of a

hysterical voice stuttering in a dark street. Seeing them look back at me as

though even then in that nineteenth-century day they had expected little, and

this with a grim, unillusioned pride that suddenly seemed to me both a

reproach and a warning. My eyes fell upon a pair of crudely carved and

polished bones, “knocking bones,” used to accompany music at country

dances, used in black-face minstrels; the flat ribs of a cow, a steer or sheep,

flat bones that gave off a sound, when struck, like heavy castanets (had he

been a minstrel?) or the wooden block of a set of drums. Pots and pots of

green plants were lined in the dirty snow, certain to die of the cold; ivy,

canna, a tomato plant. And in a basket I saw a straightening comb, switches

of false hair, a curling iron, a card with silvery letters against a background

of dark red velvet, reading “God Bless Our Home”; and scattered across the

top of a chiffonier were nuggets of High John the Conqueror, the lucky stone;

and as I watched the white men put down a basket in which I saw a

whiskey bottle filled with rock candy and camphor, a small Ethiopian flag, a

faded tintype of Abraham Lincoln, and the smiling image of a Hollywood star

torn from a magazine. And on a pillow several badly cracked pieces of

delicate china, a commemorative plate celebrating the St. Louis World Fair . .

. I stood in a kind of daze, looking at an old folded lace fan studded with jet

and mother-of-pearl.

The crowd surged as the white men came back, knocking over a

drawer that spilled its contents in the snow at my feet. I stooped and starting

replacing the articles: a bent Masonic emblem, a set of tarnished cuff links,

three brass rings, a dime pierced with a nail hole so as to be worn about the

ankle on a string for luck, an ornate greeting card with the message

“Grandma, I love you” in childish scrawl; another card with a picture of what

looked like a white man in black-face seated in the door of a cabin

strumming a banjo beneath a bar of music and the lyric “Going back to my

old cabin home”; a useless inhalant, a string of bright glass beads with a

tarnished clasp, a rabbit foot, a celluloid baseball scoring card shaped like a

catcher’s mitt, registering a game won or lost years ago; an old breast pump

with rubber bulb yellowed with age, a worn baby shoe and a dusty lock of

infant hair tied with a faded and crumpled blue ribbon. I felt nauseated. In

my hand I held three lapsed life insurance policies with perforated seals

stamped “Void”; a yellowing newspaper portrait of a huge black man with the

caption: MARCUS GARVEY DEPORTED.

I turned away, bending and searching the dirty snow for anything

missed by my eyes, and my fingers closed upon something resting in a frozen

footstep: a fragile paper, coming apart with age, written in black ink grown

yellow. I read: FREE PAPERS. Be it known to all men that my negro, Primus

Provo, has been freed by me this sixth day of August, 1859. Signed: John

Samuels Macon . . . I folded it quickly, blotting out the single drop of melted

snow which glistened on the yellowed page, and dropped it back into the

drawer. My hands were trembling, my breath rasping as if I had run a long

distance or come upon a coiled snake in a busy street. It has been longer

than that, further removed in time, I told myself, and yet I knew that it

hadn’t been. I replaced the drawer in the chest and pushed drunkenly to the

curb.

But it wouldn’t come up, only a bitter spurt of gall filled my mouth

and splattered the old folk’s possessions. I turned and stared again at the

jumble, no longer looking at what was before my eyes, but

inwardly-outwardly, around a corner into the dark, far-away-and-long-ago, not

so much of my own memory as of remembered words, of linked verbal

echoes, images, heard even when not listening at home. And it was as though

I myself was being dispossessed of some painful yet precious thing which I

could not bear to lose; something confounding, like a rotted tooth that one

would rather suffer indefinitely than endure the short, violent eruption of pain

that would mark its removal. And with this sense of dispossession came a

pang of vague recognition: this junk, these shabby chairs, these heavy,

old-fashioned pressing irons, zinc wash tubs with dented bottoms — all

throbbed within me with more meaning than there should have been: And

why did I, standing in the crowd, see like a vision my mother hanging wash

on a cold windy day, so cold that the warm clothes froze even before the

vapor thinned and hung stiff on the line, and her hands white and raw in

the skirt-swirling wind and her gray head bare to the darkened sky — why

were they causing me discomfort so far beyond their intrinsic meaning as

objects? And why did I see them now as behind a veil that threatened to lift,

stirred by the cold wind in the narrow street?

A scream, “I’m going in!” spun me around. The old couple were on

the steps now, the old man holding her arm, the white men leaning forward

above, and the crowd pressing me closer to the steps.

“You can’t go in, lady,” the man said.

“I want to pray!” she said.

“I can’t help it, lady. You’ll have to do your praying out here.”

“I’m go’n in!”

“Not in here!”

“All we want to do is go in and pray,” she said, clutching her Bible.

“It ain’t right to pray in the street like this.”

“I’m sorry,” he said.

“Aw, let the woman go in to pray,” a voice called from the crowd.

“You got all their stuff out here on the walk — what more do you want,

blood?”

“Sure, let them old folks pray.”

“That’s what’s wrong with us now, all this damn praying,” another

voice called.

“You don’t go back, see,” the white man said. “You were legally

evicted.”

“But all we want to do is go in an’ kneel on the floor,” the old man

said. “We been living right here for over twenty years. I don’t see why you

can’t let us go just for a few minutes . . .”

“Look, I’ve told you,” the man said. “I’ve got my orders. You’re

wasting my time.”

“We’re go’n in!” the woman said.

It happened so suddenly that I could barely keep up with it: I saw

the old woman clutching her Bible and rushing up the steps, her husband

behind her and the white man stepping in front of them and stretching out

his arm. “I’ll jug you,” he yelled, “by God, I’ll jug you!”

“Take your hands off that woman!” someone called from the crowd.

Then at the top of the stairs they were pushing against the man and

I saw the old woman fall backwards, and the crowd exploded.

“Get that paddie sonofabitch!”

“He struck her!” a West Indian woman screamed into my ear. “The

filthy brute, he struck her!”

“Stand back or I’ll shoot,” the man called, his eyes wild as he drew a

gun and backed into the doorway where the two trusties stood bewildered,

their arms full of articles. “I swear I’ll shoot! You don’t know what you’re

doing, but I’ll shoot!”

They hesitated. “Ain’t but six bullets in that thing,” a little fellow

called. “Then what you going to do?”

“Yeah, you damn sho caint hide.”

“I advise you to stay out of this,” the marshal called.

“Think you can come up here and hit one of our women, you a

fool.”

“To hell with all this talk, let’s rush that bastard!”

“You better think twice,” the white man called.

I saw them start up the steps and felt suddenly as though my head

would split. I knew that they were about to attack the man and I was both

afraid and angry, repelled and fascinated. I both wanted it and feared the

consequences, was outraged and angered at what I saw and yet surged with

fear; not for the man or of the consequences of an attack, but of what the

sight of violence might release in me. And beneath it all there boiled up all

the shock-absorbing phrases that I had learned all my life. I seemed to totter

on the edge of a great dark hole.

“No, no,” I heard myself yelling. “Black men! Brothers! Black

Brothers! That’s not the way. We’re law-abiding. We’re a law-abiding people

and a slow-to-anger people.”

Forcing my way quickly through the crowd, I stood on the steps

facing those in front, talking rapidly without thought but out of my clashing

emotions. “We’re a law-abiding people and a slow-to-anger people . . .” They

stopped, listening. Even the white man was startled.

“Yeah, but we mad now,” a voice called out.

“Yes, you’re right,” I called back. “We’re angry, but let us be wise.

Let us, I mean let us not . . . Let us learn from that great leader whose wise

action was reported in the newspaper the other day . . .”

“What, mahn? Who?” a West Indian voice shouted.

“Come on! To hell with this guy, let’s get that paddie before they

send him some help . . .”

“No, wait,” I yelled. “Let’s follow a leader, let’s organize. Organize.

We need someone like that wise leader, you read about him, down in

Alabama. He was strong enough to choose to do the wise thing in spite of

what he felt himself . . .”

“Who, mahn? Who?”

This was it, I thought, they’re listening, eager to listen.

Nobody laughed. If they laugh, I’ll die! I tensed my diaphragm.

“That wise man,” I said, “you read about him, who when that fugitive

escaped from the mob and ran to his school for protection, that wise man

who was strong enough to do the legal thing, the law-abiding thing, to turn

him over to the forces of law and order . . .”

“Yeah,” a voice rang out, “yeah, so they could lynch his ass.”

Oh, God, this wasn’t it at all. Poor technique and not at all what I

intended.

“He was a wise leader,” I yelled. “He was within the law. Now wasn’t

that the wise thing to do?”

“Yeah, he was wise all right,” the man laughed angrily. “Now get out

of the way so we can jump this paddie.”

The crowd yelled and I laughed in response as though hypnotized.

“But wasn’t that the human thing to do? After all, he had to protect

himself because –”

“He was a handkerchief-headed rat!” a woman screamed, her voice

boiling with contempt.

“Yes, you’re right. He was wise and cowardly, but what about us?

What are we to do?” I yelled, suddenly thrilled by the response. “Look at

him,” I cried.

“Yes, just look at him!” an old fellow in a derby called out as though

answering a preacher in church.

“And look at that old couple . . .”

“Yeah, what about Sister and Brother Provo?” he said. “It’s an

ungodly shame!”

“And look at their possessions all strewn there on the sidewalk. Just

look at their possessions in the snow. How old are you, sir?” I yelled.

“I’m eighty-seven,” the old man said, his voice low and bewildered.

“How’s that? Yell so our slow-to-anger brethren can hear you.”

“I’m eighty-seven years old!”

“Did you hear him? He’s eighty-seven. Eighty-seven and look at all

he’s accumulated in eighty-seven years, strewn in the snow like chicken guts,

and we’re a law-abiding, slow-to-anger bunch of folks turning the other cheek

every day in the week. What are we going to do? What would you, what

would I, what would he have done? What is to be done? I propose we do

the wise thing, the law-abiding thing. Just look at this junk! Should two old

folks live in such junk, cooped up in a filthy room? It’s a great danger, a fire

hazard! Old cracked dishes and broken-down chairs. Yes, yes, yes! Look at

that old woman, somebody’s mother, somebody’s grandmother, maybe. We call

them ‘Big Mama’ and they spoil us and — you know, you remember . . .

Look at her quilts and broken-down shoes. I know she’s somebody’s mother

because I saw an old breast pump fall into the snow, and she’s somebody’s

grandmother, because I saw a card that read ‘Dear Grandma’ . . . But we’re

law-abiding . . . I looked into a basket and I saw some bones, not neckbones,

but rib bones, knocking bones . . . This old couple used to dance . . . I saw

— What kind of work do you do, Father?” I called.

“I’m a day laborer . . .”

“. . . A day laborer, you heard him, but look at his stuff strewn like

chitterlings in the snow . . . Where has all his labor gone? Is he lying?”

“Hell, no, he ain’t lying.”

“Naw, suh!”

“Then where did his labor go? Look at his old blues records and her

pots of plants, they’re down-home folks, and everything tossed out like junk

whirled eighty-seven years in a cyclone. Eighty-seven years, and poof! like a

snort in a windstorm. Look at them, they look like my mama and papa and

my grandma and grandpa, and I look like you and you look like me. Look at

them but remember that we’re a wise, law-abiding group of people. And

remember it when you look up there in the doorway at that law standing

there with his forty-five. Look at him, standing with his blue steel pistol and

his blue serge suit. Look at him! You don’t see just one man dressed in one

blue serge suit, or one forty-five, you see ten for every one of us, ten guns

and ten warm suits and ten fat bellies and ten million laws. Laws, that’s what

we call them down South! Laws! And we’re wise, and law-abiding. And look

at this old woman with her dog-eared Bible. What’s she trying to bring off

here? She’s let her religion go to her head, but we all know that religion is

for the heart, not for the head. ‘Blessed are the pure in heart,’ it says.

Nothing about the poor in head. What’s she trying to do? What about the

clear of head? And the clear of eye, the ice-water-visioned who see too clear

to miss a lie? Look out there at her cabinet with its gaping drawers.

Eighty-seven years to fill them, and full of brick and brack, a bric-a-brac, and

she wants to break the law . . . What’s happened to them? They’re our

people, your people and mine, your parents and mine. What’s happened to

’em?”

“I’ll tell you!” a heavyweight yelled, pushing out of the crowd, his

face angry. “Hell, they been dispossessed, you crazy sonofabitch, get out the

way!”

“Dispossessed?” I cried, holding up my hand and allowing the word

to whistle from my throat. “That’s a good word, ‘Dispossessed’! ‘Dispossessed,’

eighty-seven years and dispossessed of what? They ain’t got nothing, they

caint get nothing, they never had nothing. So who was dispossessed?” I

growled. “We’re law-abiding. So who’s being dispossessed? Can it be us?

These old ones are out in the snow, but we’re here with them. Look at their

stuff, not a pit to hiss in, nor a window to shout the news and us right with

them. Look at them, not a shack to pray in or an alley to sing the blues!

They’re facing a gun and we’re facing it with them. They don’t want the

world, but only Jesus. They only want Jesus, just fifteen minutes of Jesus on

the rug-bare floor . . . How about it, Mr. Law? Do we get our fifteen minutes

worth of Jesus? You got the world, can we have our Jesus?”

“I got my orders, Mac,” the man called, waving the pistol with a

sneer. “You’re doing all right, tell ’em to keep out of this. This is legal and

I’ll shoot if I have to . . .”

“But what about the prayer?”

“They don’t go back!”

“Are you positive?”

“You could bet your life,” he said.

“Look at him,” I called to the angry crowd. “With his blue steel

pistol and his blue serge suit. You heard him, he’s the law. He says he’ll

shoot us down because we’re a law-abiding people. So we’ve been

dispossessed, and what’s more, he thinks he’s God. Look up there backed

against the post with a criminal on either side of him. Can’t you feel the cold

wind, can’t you hear it asking, ‘What did you do with your heavy labor?

What did you do?’ When you look at all you haven’t got in eighty-seven years

you feel ashamed –”

“Tell ’em about it, brother,” an old man interrupted. “It makes you

feel you ain’t a man.”

“Yes, these old folks had a dream book, but the pages went blank

and it failed to give them the number. It was called the Seeing Eye, The

Great Constitutional Dream Book, The Secrets of Africa, The Wisdom of Egypt

— but the eye was blind, it lost its luster. It’s all cataracted like a cross-eyed

carpenter and it doesn’t saw straight. All we have is the Bible and this Law

here rules that out. So where do we go? Where do we go from here, without

a pot –”

“We going after that paddie,” the heavyweight called, rushing up the

steps.

Someone pushed me. “No, wait,” I called.

“Get out the way now.”

There was a rush against me and I fell, hearing a single explosion,

backward into a whirl of milling legs, overshoes, the trampled snow cold on

my hands. Another shot sounded above like a bursting bag. Managing to

stand, I saw atop the steps the fist with the gun being forced into the air

above the crowd’s bobbing heads and the next instant they were dragging him

down into the snow; punching him left and right, uttering a low tense

swelling sound of desperate effort; a grunt that exploded into a thousand

softly spat, hate-sizzling curses. I saw a woman striking with the pointed heel

of her shoe, her face a blank mask with hollow black eyes as she aimed and

struck, aimed and struck, bringing spurts of blood, running along beside the

man who was dragged to his feet now as they punched him gauntlet-wise

between them. Suddenly I saw a pair of handcuffs arc gleaming into the air

and sail across the street. A boy broke out of the crowd, the marshal’s

snappy hat on his head. The marshal was spun this way and that, then a

swift tattoo of blows started him down the street. I was beside myself with

excitement. The crowd surged after him, milling like a huge man trying to

turn in a cubbyhole — some of them laughing, some cursing, some intently

silent.

“The brute struck that gentle woman, poor thing!” the West Indian

woman chanted. “Black men, did you ever see such a brute? Is he a

gentleman, I ask you? The brute! Give it back to him, black men. Repay the

brute a thousandfold! Give it back to him unto the third and fourth

generations. Strike him, our fine black men. Protect your black women! Repay

the arrogant creature to the third and fourth generations!”

“We’re dispossessed,” I sang at the top of my voice, “dispossessed

and we want to pray. Let’s go in and pray. Let’s have a big prayer meeting.

But we’ll need some chairs to sit in . . . rest upon as we kneel. We’ll need

some chairs!”

“Here’s some chairs down here,” a woman called from the walk.

“How ’bout taking in some chairs?”

“Sure,” I called, “take everything. Take it all, hide that junk! Put it

back where it came from. It’s blocking the street and the sidewalk, and that’s

against the law. We’re law-abiding, so clear the street of the debris. Put it out

of sight! Hide it, hide their shame! Hide our shame!

“Come on, men,” I yelled, dashing down the steps and seizing a chair

and starting back, no longer struggling against or thinking about the nature of

my action. The others followed, picking up pieces of furniture and lugging

them back into the building.

“We ought to done this long ago,” a man said.

“We damn sho should.”

“I feel so good,” a woman said, “I feel so good!”

“Black men, I’m proud of you,” the West Indian woman shrilled.

“Proud!”

We rushed into the dark little apartment that smelled of stale

cabbage and put the pieces down and returned for more. Men, women and

children seized articles and dashed inside shouting, laughing. I looked for the

two trusties, but they seemed to have disappeared. Then, coming down into

the street, I thought I saw one. He was carrying a chair back inside.

“So you’re law-abiding too,” I called only to become aware that it

was someone else. A white man but someone else altogether.

The man laughed at me and continued inside. And when I reached

the street there were several of them, men and women, standing about,

cheering whenever another piece of furniture was returned. It was like a

holiday. I didn’t want it to stop.

“Who are those people?” I called from the steps.

“What people?” someone called back.

“Those,” I said, pointing.

“You mean those ofays?”

“Yes, what do they want?”

“We’re friends of the people,” one of the white men called.

“Friends of what people?” I called, prepared to jump down upon him

if he answered, “You people.”

“We’re friends of all the common people,” he shouted. “We came up

to help.”

“We believe in brotherhood,” another called.

“Well, pick up that sofa and come on,” I called. I was uneasy about

their presence and disappointed when they all joined the crowd and started

lugging the evicted articles back inside. Where had I heard of them?

“Why don’t we stage a march?” one of the white men called, going

past.

“Why don’t we march!” I yelled out to the sidewalk before I had

time to think.

They took it up immediately.

“Let’s march . . .”

“It’s a good idea.”

“Let’s have a demonstration . . .”

“Let’s parade!”

I heard the siren and saw the scout cars swing into the block in the

same instant. It was the police! I looked into the crowd, trying to focus upon

their faces, hearing someone yell, “Here come the cops,” and others

answering, “Let ’em come!”

Where is all this leading? I thought, seeing a white man run inside

the building as the policemen dashed from their cars and came running up.

“What’s going on here?” a gold-shield officer called up the steps.

It had become silent. No one answered.

“I said, what’s going on here,” he repeated. “You,” he called, pointing

straight at me.

“We’ve . . . we’ve been clearing the sidewalk of a lot of junk,” I

called, tense inside.

“What’s that?” he said.

“It’s a clean-up campaign,” I called, wanting to laugh. “These old

folks had all their stuff cluttering up the sidewalk and we cleared the street .

. .”

“You mean you’re interfering with an eviction,” he called, starting

through the crowd.

“He ain’t doing nothing,” a woman called from behind me.

I looked around, the steps behind were filled with those who had

been inside.

“We’re all together,” someone called, as the crowd closed in.

“Clear the streets,” the officer ordered.

“That’s what we were doing,” someone called from back in the crowd.

“Mahoney!” he bellowed to another policeman, “send in a riot call!”

“What riot?” one of the white men called to him. “There’s no riot.”

“If I say there’s a riot, there’s a riot,” the officer said. “And what are

you white people doing up here in Harlem?”

“We’re citizens. We go anywhere we like.”

“Listen! Here come some more cops!” someone called.

“Let them come!”

“Let the Commissioner come!”

It became too much for me. The whole thing had gotten out of hand.

What had I said to bring on all this? I edged to the back of the crowd on

the steps and backed into the hallway. Where would I go? I hurried up to

the old couple’s apartment. But I can’t hide here, I thought, heading back for

the stairs.

“No. You can’t go that way,” a voice said.

I whirled. It was a white girl standing in the door.

“What are you doing in here?” I shouted, my fear turning to feverish

anger.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” she said. “Brother, that was quite a

speech you made. I heard just the end of it, but you certainly moved them to

action . . .”

“Action,” I said, “action –”

“Don’t be modest, brother,” she said, “I heard you.”

“Look, Miss, we’d better get out of here,” I said, finally controlling

the throbbing in my throat. “There are a lot of policemen downstairs and

more coming.”

“Oh, yes. You’d better go over the roof,” she said. “Otherwise,

someone is sure to point you out.”

“Over the roof?”

“It’s easy. Just go up to the roof of the building and keep crossing

until you reach the house at the end of the block. Then open the door and

walk down as though you’ve been visiting. You’d better hurry. The longer you

remain unknown to the police, the longer you’ll be effective.”

Effective? I thought. What did she mean? And what was this

“brother” business?

“Thanks,” I said, and hurried for the stairs.

“Good-bye,” her voice rose fluidly behind me. I turned, glimpsing her

white face in the dim light of the darkened doorway.

I took the flight in a bound and cautiously opened the door, and

suddenly the sun flared on the roof and it was windy cold. Before me the

low, snow-caked walls dividing the buildings stretched hurdle-like the long

length of the block to the corner, and before me empty clotheslines trembled

in the wind. I made my way through the wind-carved snow to the next roof

and then to the next, going with swift caution. Planes were rising over an

airfield far to the southeast, and I was running now and seeing all the church

steeples rising and falling and stacks with smoke leaning sharp against the

sky, and below in the street the sound of sirens and shouting. I hurried.

Then, climbing over a wall I looked back, seeing a man hurrying after me,

slipping, sliding, going over the low dividing walls of the roofs with puffing,

bustling effort. I turned and ran, trying to put the rows of chimneys between

us, wondering why he didn’t yell “Halt!” or shout, or shoot. I ran, dodging

behind an elevator housing, then dashing to the next roof, going down, the

snow cold to my hands, knees striking, toes gripping, and up and running

and looking back, seeing the short figure in black still running after. The

corner seemed a mile away. I tried to count the number of roofs that

bounced before me yet to be crossed. Getting to seven, I ran, hearing shouts,

more sirens, and looking back and him still behind me, running in a

short-legged scramble, still behind me as I tried to open the door of a

building to go down and finding it stuck and running once more, trying to

zig-zag in the snow and feeling the crunch of gravel underneath, and behind

me still, as I swung over a partition and went brushing past a huge cote and

arousing a flight of frantic white birds, suddenly as large as buzzards as they

beat furiously against my eyes, dazzling the sun as they fluttered up and away

and around in a furious glide and me running again and looking back and

for a split second thinking him gone and once more seeing him bobbing

after. Why doesn’t he shoot? Why? If only it were like at home where I knew

someone in all the houses, knew them by sight and by name, by blood and

by background, by shame and pride, and by religion.

It was a carpeted hall and I moved down with pounding heart as a

dog set up a terrific din within the top apartment. Then I moved quickly, my

body like glass inside as I skipped downward off the edges of the stairs.

Looking down the stairwell I saw pale light filtering through the door glass,

far below. But what had happened to the girl, had she put the man on my

trail? What was she doing there? I bounded down, no one challenging me,

and I stopped in the vestibule, breathing deeply and listening for his hand

upon the door above and brushing my clothing into order. Then I stepped

into the street with a nonchalance copied from characters I had seen in the

movies. No sound from above, not even the malicious note of the barking

dog.

It was a long block and I had come down into a building that faced

not the street but the avenue. A squad of mounted policemen lashed

themselves around the corner and galloped past, the horseshoes thudding

dully through the snow, the men rising high in their saddles, shouting. I

picked up speed, careful not to run, heading away. This was awful. What on

earth had I said to have brought on all this? How would it end? Someone

might be killed. Heads would be pistol-whipped. I stopped at the corner,

looking for the pursuing man, the detective, and for a bus. The long white

stretch of street was empty, the aroused pigeons still circling overhead. I

scanned the roofs, expecting to see him peering down. The sound of shouting

continued to rise, then another green and white patrol car was whining

around the corner and speeding past me, heading for the block. I cut through

a block in which there were close to a dozen funeral parlors, each decked out

with neon signs, all set up in old brownstone buildings. Elaborate funeral cars

stood along the curb, one a dull black with windows shaped like Gothic

arches, through which I saw funeral flowers piled upon a casket. I hurried on.

I could see the girl’s face still, below the short flight of stairs. But

who was the figure that had crossed the roof behind me? Chased me? Why

had he been so silent, and why was there only one? Yes, and why hadn’t

they sent a patrol car to pick me up? I hurried out of the block of funeral

parlors into the bright sun that swept the snow of the avenue, slowing to a

leisurely walk now, trying to give the impression of a complete lack of haste.

I longed to look stupid, utterly incapable of thought or speech, and tried to

shuffle my feet over the walk, but quit with distaste after stealing a glance

behind me. Just ahead I saw a car pull up and a man leap out with a

physician’s bag.

“Hurry, Doctor,” a man called from the stoop, “she’s already in

labor!”

“Good,” the doctor called. “That’s what we’ve been waiting for, isn’t

it?”

“Yeah, but it didn’t start when we expected it.”

I watched them disappear inside the hall. What a hell of a time to

be born, I thought. At the corner I joined several people waiting for the

lights to change. I had just about convinced myself that I had escaped

successfully when a quiet, penetrating voice beside me said, “That was a

masterful bit of persuasion, brother.”

Suddenly wound tight as a tensioned spring I turned almost

lethargically. A short insignificant-looking bushy-eyebrowed man, with a quiet

smile on his face stood beside me, looking not at all like a policeman.

“What do you mean?” I asked, my voice lazy, distant.

“Don’t be alarmed,” he said, “I’m a friend.”

“I’ve got nothing to be alarmed about, and you’re no friend of mine.”

“Then say that I’m an admirer,” he said pleasantly.

“Admirer of what?”

“Of your speech,” he said. “I was listening.”

“What speech? I made no speech,” I said.

He smiled knowingly. “I can see that you have been well trained.

Come, it isn’t good for you to be seen with me in the street. Let’s go

somewhere for a cup of coffee.”

Something told me to refuse, but I was intrigued and, underneath it

all, was probably flattered. Besides, if I refused to go, it would be taken as

an admission of guilt. And he didn’t look like a policeman or a detective. I

went silently beside him to a cafeteria down near the end of the block, seeing

him peer inside through the window before we entered.

“You get the table, brother. Over there near the wall where we can

talk in peace. I’ll get the coffee.”

I watched him going across the floor with a bouncy, rolling step,

then found a table and sat watching him. It was warm in the cafeteria. It

was late afternoon now only a few customers were scattered at the tables. I

watched the man going familiarly to the food counter and ordering. His

movements, as he peered through the brightly lighted shelves of pastry, were

those of a lively small animal, a fyce, interested in detecting only the target

cut of cake. So he’s heard my speech; well, I’ll hear what he has to say, I

thought, seeing him start toward me with his rapid, rolling, bouncy,

heel-and-toey step. It was as though he had taught himself to walk that way

and I had a feeling that somehow he was acting a part; that something about

him wasn’t exactly real — an idea which I dismissed immediately, since there

was a quality of unreality over the whole afternoon. He came straight to the

table without having to look about for me, as though he had expected me to

take that particular table and no other — although many tables were vacant.

He was balancing a plate of cake on top of each cup, setting them down

deftly and shoving one toward me as he took his chair.

“I thought you might like a piece of cheese cake,” he said.

“Cheese cake?” I said. “I’ve never heard of it.”

“It’s nice. Sugar?”

“Go ahead,” I said.

“No, after you, brother.”

I looked at him, then poured three spoonfuls and shoved the shaker

toward him. I was tense again.

“Thanks,” I said, repressing an impulse to call him down about the

“brother” business.

He smiled, cutting into his cheese cake with a fork and shoving far

too large a piece into his mouth. His manners are extremely crude, I thought,

trying to put him at a disadvantage in my own mind by pointedly taking a

small piece of the cheesy stuff and placing it neatly into my mouth.

“You know,” he said, taking a gulp of coffee, “I haven’t heard such

an effective piece of eloquence since the days when I was in — well, in a

long time. You aroused them so quickly to action. I don’t understand how

you managed it. If only some of our speakers could have listened! With a few

words you had them involved in action! Others would have still been wasting

time with empty verbiage. I want to thank you for a most instructive

experience!”

I drank my coffee silently. Not only did I distrust him, I didn’t know

how much I could safely say.

“The cheese cake here is good,” he said before I could answer. “It’s

really very good. By the way, where did you learn to speak?”

“Nowhere,” I said, much too quickly.

“Then you’re very talented. You are a natural. It’s hard to believe.”

“I was simply angry,” I said, deciding to admit this much in order to

see what he would reveal.

“Then your anger was skillfully controlled. It had eloquence. Why was

that?”

“Why? I suppose I felt sorry — I don’t know. Maybe I just felt like

making a speech. There was the crowd waiting, so I said a few words. You

might not believe it, but I didn’t know what I was going to say . . .”

“Please,” he said, with a knowing smile.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“You try to sound cynical, but I see through you. I know, I listened

very carefully to what you had to say. You were enormously moved. Your

emotions were touched.”

“I guess so,” I said. “Maybe seeing them reminded me of something.”

He leaned forward, watching me intensely now, the smile still on his

lips.

“Did it remind you of people you know?”

“I guess it did,” I said.

“I think I understand. You were watching a death –”

I dropped my fork. “No one was killed,” I said tensely. “What are

you trying to do?”

“A Death on the City Pavements — that’s the title of a detective story

or something I read somewhere . . .” He laughed. “I only mean

meta-phor-ically speaking. They’re living, but dead. Dead-in-living . . . a unity

of opposites.”

“Oh,” I said. What kind of double talk was this?

“The old ones, they’re agrarian types, you know. Being ground up by

industrial conditions. Thrown on the dump heaps and cast aside. You pointed

it out very well. ‘Eighty-seven years and nothing to show for it,’ you said. You

were absolutely correct.”

“I suppose that seeing them like that made me feel pretty bad,” I

said.

“Yes, of course. And you made an effective speech. But you musn’t

waste your emotions on individuals, they don’t count.”

“Who doesn’t count?” I said.

“Those old ones,” he said grimly. “It’s sad, yes. But they’re already

dead, defunct. History has passed them by. Unfortunate, but there’s nothing

to do about them. They’re like dead limbs that must be pruned away so that

the tree may bear young fruit or the storms of history will blow them down

anyway. Better the storm should hit them –”

“But look –”

“No, let me continue. These people are old. Men grow old and types

of men grow old. And these are very old. All they have left is their religion.

That’s all they can think about. So they’ll be cast aside. They’re dead, you

see, because they’re incapable of rising to the necessity of the historical

situation.”

“But I like them,” I said. “I like them, they reminded me of folks I

know down South. It’s taken me a long time to feel it, but they’re folks just

like me, except that I’ve been to school a few years.”

He wagged his round red head. “Oh, no, brother; you’re mistaken

and you’re sentimental. You’re not like them. Perhaps you were, but you’re

not any longer. Otherwise you’d never have made that speech. Perhaps you

were, but that’s all past, dead. You might not recognize it just now, but that

part of you is dead! You have not completely shed that self, that old agrarian

self, but it’s dead and you will throw it off completely and emerge something

new. History has been born in your brain.”

“Look,” I said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ve never

lived on a farm and I didn’t study agriculture, but I do know why I made

that speech.”

“Then why?”

“Because I was upset over seeing those old folks put out in the

street, that’s why. I don’t care what you call it, I was angry.”

He shrugged. “Let’s not argue about it,” he said. “I’ve a notion you

could do it again. Perhaps you would be interested in working for us.”

“For whom?” I asked, suddenly excited. What was he trying to do?

“With our organization. We need a good speaker for this district.

Someone who can articulate the grievances of the people,” he said.

“But nobody cares about their grievances,” I said. “Suppose they were

articulated, who would listen or care?”

“They exist,” he said with his knowing smile. “They exist, and when

the cry of protest is sounded, there are those who will hear it and act.”

There was something mysterious and smug in the way he spoke, as

though he had everything figured out — whatever he was talking about. Look

at this very most certain white man, I thought. He didn’t even realize that I

was afraid and yet he speaks so confidently. I got to my feet, “I’m sorry,” I

said, “I have a job and I’m not interested in anyone’s grievances but my own

. . .”

“But you were concerned with that old couple,” he said with

narrowed eyes. “Are they relatives of yours?”

“Sure, we’re all black,” I said, beginning to laugh.

He smiled, his eyes intense upon my face.

“Seriously, are they your relatives?”

“Sure, we were burned in the same oven,” I said.

The effect was electric. “Why do you fellows always talk in terms of

race!” he snapped, his eyes blazing.

“What other terms do you know?” I said, puzzled. “You think I

would have been around there if they had been white?”

He threw up his hands and laughed. “Let’s not argue that now,” he

said. “You were very effective in helping them. I can’t believe that you’re such

an individualist as you pretend. You appeared to be a man who knew his

duty toward the people and performed it well. Whatever you think about it

personally, you were a spokesman for your people and you have a duty to

work in their interest.”

He was too complicated for me. “Look, my friend, thanks for the

coffee and cake. I have no more interest in those old folks than in your job.

I wanted to make a speech. I like to make speeches. What happened

afterwards is a mystery to me. You picked the wrong man. You should have

stopped one of those fellows who started yelling at the policemen . . .” I

stood up.

“Wait a second,” he said, producing a piece of envelope and

scribbling something. “You might change your mind. As for those others, I

know them already.”

I looked at the white paper in his extended hand.

“You are wise to distrust me,” he said. “You don’t know who I am

and you don’t trust me. That’s as it should be. But I don’t give up hope,

because some day you will look me up on your own accord and it will be

different, for then you’ll be ready. Just call this number and ask for Brother

Jack. You needn’t give me your name, just mention our conversation. Should

you decide tonight, give me a ring about eight.”

“Okay,” I said, taking the paper. “I doubt if I’ll ever need it, but who

knows?”

“Well, you think about it, brother. Times are grave and you seem

very indignant.”

“I only wanted to make a speech,” I said again.

“But you were indignant. And sometimes the difference between

individual and organized indignation is the difference between criminal and

political action,” he said.

I laughed, “So what? I’m neither a criminal nor a politician, brother.

So you picked the wrong man. But thanks again for the coffee and cheese

cake — brother.”

I left him sitting with a quiet smile on his face. When I had crossed

the avenue I looked through the glass, seeing him still there, and it occurred

to me that he was the same man who had followed me over the roof. He

hadn’t been chasing me at all but only going in the same direction. I hadn’t

understood much of what he had said, only that he had spoken with great

confidence. Anyway, I had been the better runner. Perhaps it was a trick of

some kind. He gave the impression that he understood much and spoke out

of a knowledge far deeper than appeared on the surface of his words.

Perhaps it was only the knowledge that he had escaped by the same route as

I. But what had he to fear? I had made the speech, not he. That girl in the

apartment had said that the longer I remained unseen the longer I’d be

effective, which didn’t make much sense either. But perhaps that was why he

had run. He wanted to remain unseen and effective. Effective at what? No

doubt he was laughing at me. I must have looked silly hurtling across the

roofs, and like a black-face comedian shrinking from a ghost when the white

pigeons shot up around me. To hell with him. He needn’t be so smug, I

knew of some things he didn’t know. Let him find someone else. He only

wanted to use me for something. Everybody wanted to use you for some

purpose. Why should he want me as a speaker? Let him make his own

speeches. I headed for home, feeling a growing satisfaction that I had

dismissed him so completely.

It was turning dark now, and much colder. Colder than I had ever

known. What on earth was it, I mused, bending my head to the wind, that

made us leave the warm, mild weather of home for all this cold, and never

to return, if not something worth hoping for, freezing for, even being evicted

for? I felt sad. An old woman passed, bent down with two shopping bags, her

eyes upon the slushy walk, and I thought of the old couple at the eviction.

How had it ended and where were they now? What an awful emotion. What

had he called it — a death on the city pavements? How often did such things

occur? And what would he say of Mary? She was far from dead, or of being

ground to bits by New York. Hell, she knew very well how to live here, much

better than I with my college training — training! Bledsoing, that was the

term. And I was the one being ground up, not Mary. Thinking of her made

me feel better. I couldn’t imagine Mary being as helpless as the old woman

at the eviction, and by the time I reached the apartment I had begun to lose

my depression.

Chapter 14

The odor of Mary’s cabbage changed my mind. Standing engulfed in

the fumes filling the hall, it struck me that I couldn’t realistically reject the

job. Cabbage was always a depressing reminder of the leaner years of my

childhood and I suffered silently whenever she served it, but this was the

third time within the week and it dawned on me that Mary must be short of

money.

And here I’ve been congratulating myself for refusing a job, I

thought, when I don’t even know how much money I owe her. I felt a quick

sickness grow within me. How could I face her? I went quietly to my room

and lay upon the bed, brooding. There were other roomers, who had jobs,

and I knew she received help from relatives; still there was no mistake, Mary

loved a variety of food and this concentration upon cabbage was no accident.

Why hadn’t I noticed? She’d been too kind, never dunning me, and I lay

there hearing her, “Don’t come bothering me with your little troubles, boy.

You’ll git something bye and bye” — when I would try to apologize for not

paying my rent and board. Perhaps another roomer had moved, or lost his

job. What were Mary’s problems anyway; who “articulated her grievances,” as

the redheaded man had put it? She had kept me going for months, yet I had

no idea. What kind of man was I becoming? I had taken her so much for

granted that I hadn’t even thought of my debt when I refused the job. Nor

had I considered the embarrassment I might have caused her should the

police come to her home to arrest me for making that wild speech. Suddenly

I felt an urge to go look at her, perhaps I had really never seen her. I had

been acting like a child, not a man.

Taking out the crumpled paper, I looked at the telephone number.

He had mentioned an organization. What was it called? I hadn’t inquired.

What a fool! At least I should have learned what I was turning down,

although I distrusted the red-headed man. Had I refused out of fear as well

as from resentment? Why didn’t he just tell me what it was all about instead

of trying to impress me with his knowledge?

Then from down the hall I could hear Mary singing, her voice clear

and untroubled, though she sang a troubled song. It was the “Back Water

Blues.” I lay listening as the sound flowed to and around me, bringing me a

calm sense of my indebtedness. When it faded I got up and put on my coat.

Perhaps it was not too late. I would find a telephone and call him; then he

could tell me exactly what he wanted and I could make a sensible decision.

Mary heard me this time. “Boy, when you come home?” she said,

sticking her head out of the kitchen. “I didn’t even hear you.”

“I came in a short while ago,” I said. “You were busy so I didn’t

bother you.”

“Then where you going so soon, ain’t you going to eat supper?”

“Yes, Mary,” I said, “but I’ve got to go out now. I forgot to take care

of some business.”

“Shucks! What kind of business you got on a cold night like this?”

she said.

“Oh, I don’t know, I might have a surprise for you.”

“Won’t nothing surprise me,” she said. “And you hurry on back here

and git something hot in your stomach.”

Going through the cold seeking a telephone booth I realized that I

had committed myself to bring her some kind of surprise, and as I walked I

became mildly enthusiastic. It was, after all, a job that promised to exercise

my talent for public speaking, and if the pay was anything at all it would be

more than I had now. At least I could pay Mary something of what I owed

her. And she might receive some satisfaction that her prediction had proved

correct.

I seemed to be haunted by cabbage fumes; the little luncheonette in

which I found the telephone was reeking.

Brother Jack didn’t sound at all surprised upon receiving my call.

“I’d like some information about –”

“Get here as quickly as you can, we’re leaving shortly,” he said,

giving me a Lenox Avenue address and hanging up before I could finish my

request.

I went out into the cold, annoyed both by his lack of surprise and

by the short, clipped manner in which he’d spoken, but I started out, taking

my own time. It wasn’t far, and just as I reached the corner of Lenox a car

pulled up and I saw several men inside, Jack among them, smiling.

“Get in,” he said. “We can talk where we’re going. It’s a party; you

might like it.”

“But I’m not dressed,” I said. “I’ll call you tomorrow –”

“Dressed?” he chuckled. “You’re all right, get in.”

I got in beside him and the driver, noticing that there were three

men in the back. Then the car moved off.

No one spoke. Brother Jack seemed to sink immediately into deep

thought. The others looked out into the night. It was as though we were

mere chance passengers in a subway car. I felt uneasy, wondering where we

were going, but decided to say nothing. The car shot swiftly over the slush.

Looking out at the passing night I wondered what kind of men they

were. Certainly they didn’t act as though they were heading for a very

sociable evening. I was hungry and I wouldn’t get back in time for supper.

Well, maybe it would be worth it, both to Mary and to me. At least I

wouldn’t have to eat that cabbage!

For a moment the car paused for the traffic light, then we were

circling swiftly through long stretches of snow-covered landscape lighted here

and there by street lamps and the nervously stabbing beams of passing cars:

We were flashing through Central Park, now completely transformed by the

snow. It was as though we had plunged suddenly into mid-country peace, yet

I knew that here, somewhere close by in the night, there was a zoo with its

dangerous animals. The lions and tigers in heated cages, the bears asleep, the

snakes coiled tightly underground. And there was also the reservoir of dark

water, all covered by snow and by night, by snow-fall and by night-fall,

buried beneath black and white, gray mist and gray silence. Then past the

driver’s head I could see a wall of buildings looming beyond the windshield.

The car nosed slowly into traffic, dropped swiftly down a hill.

We stopped before an expensive-looking building in a strange part of

the city. I could see the word Chthonian on the storm awning stretched above

the walk as I got out with the others and went swiftly toward a lobby lighted

by dim bulbs set behind frosted glass, going past the uniformed doorman

with an uncanny sense of familiarity; feeling now, as we entered a soundproof

elevator and shot away at a mile a minute, that I had been through it all

before. Then we were stopping with a gentle bounce and I was uncertain

whether we had gone up or down. Brother Jack guided me down the hall to

a door on which I saw a bronze door-knocker in the shape of a large-eyed

owl. Now he hesitated a moment, his head thrust forward as though listening,

then his hand covered the owl from view, producing instead of the knock

which I expected, an icy peal of clear chimes. Shortly the door swung partly

open, revealing a smartly dressed woman, whose hard, handsome face broke

into smiles.

“Come in, Brothers,” she said, her exotic perfume filling the foyer.

I noticed a clip of blazing diamonds on her dress as I tried to stand

aside for the others, but Brother Jack pushed me ahead.

“Excuse me,” I said, but she held her ground, and I was pressing

tensely against her perfumed softness, seeing her smile as though there were

only she and I. Then I was past, disturbed not so much by the close contact,

as by the sense that I had somehow been through it all before. I couldn’t

decide if it were from watching some similar scene in the movies, from books

I’d read, or from some recurrent but deeply buried dream. Whatsoever, it was

like entering a scene which, because of some devious circumstance, I had

hitherto watched only from a distance. How could they have such an

expensive place, I wondered.

“Put your things in the study,” the woman said. “I’ll go see about

drinks.”

We entered a room lined with books and decorated with old musical

instruments: An Irish harp, a hunter’s horn, a clarinet and a wooden flute

were suspended by the neck from the wall on pink and blue ribbons. There

were a leather divan and a number of easy chairs.

“Throw your coat on the divan,” Brother Jack said.

I slid out of my overcoat and looked around. The dial of the radio

built into a section of the natural mahogany bookshelf was lighted, but I

couldn’t hear any sound; and there was an ample desk on which rested silver

and crystal writing things, and, as one of the men came to stand gazing at

the bookcase, I was struck by the contrast between the richness of the room

and their rather poor clothing.

“Now we’ll go into the other room,” Brother Jack said, taking me by

the arm.

We entered a large room in which one entire wall was hung with

Italian-red draperies that fell in rich folds from the ceiling. A number of

well-dressed men and women were gathered in groups, some beside a grand

piano, the others lounging in the pale beige upholstery of the blond wood

chairs. Here and there I saw several attractive young women but carefully

avoided giving them more than a glance. I felt extremely uncomfortable,

although after brief glances no one paid me any special attention. It was as

though they hadn’t seen me, as though I were here, and yet not here. The

others were moving away to join the various groups now, and Brother Jack

took my arm.

“Come, let’s get a drink,” he said, guiding me toward the end of the

room.

The woman who’d let us in was mixing drinks behind a handsome

free-form bar which was large enough to have graced a night club.

“How about a drink for us, Emma?” Brother Jack said.

“Well, now, I’ll have to think about it,” she said, tilting her severely

drawn head and smiling.

“Don’t think, act,” he said. “We’re very thirsty men. This young man

pushed history ahead twenty years today.”

“Oh,” she said, her eyes becoming intent. “You must tell me about

him.”

“Just read the morning papers, Emma. Things have begun to move.

Yes, leap ahead.” He laughed deeply.

“What would you like, Brother?” she said, her eyes brushing slowly

over my face.

“Bourbon,” I said, a little too loudly, as I remembered the best the

South had to offer. My face was warm, but I returned her glance as steadily

as I dared. It was not the harsh uninterested-in-you-as-a-human-being stare

that I’d known in the South, the kind that swept over a black man as though

he were a horse or an insect; it was something more, a direct,

what-type-of-mere-man-have-we-here kind of look that seemed to go beneath

my skin . . . Somewhere in my leg a muscle twitched violently.

“Emma, the bourbon! Two bourbons,” Brother Jack said.

“You know,” she said, picking up a decanter, “I’m intrigued.”

“Naturally. Always,” he said. “Intrigued and intriguing. But we’re

dying of thirst.”

“Only of impatience,” she said, pouring the drinks. “I mean you are.

Tell me, where did you find this young hero of the people?”

“I didn’t,” Brother Jack said. “He simply arose out of a crowd. The

people always throw up their leaders, you know . . .”

“Throw them up,” she said. “Nonsense, they chew them up and spit

them out. Their leaders are made, not born. Then they’re destroyed. You’ve

always said that. Here you are, Brother.”

He looked at her steadily. I took the heavy crystal glass and raised it

to my lips, glad for an excuse to turn from her eyes. A haze of cigarette

smoke drifted through the room. I heard a series of rich arpeggios sound on

the piano behind me and turned to look, hearing the woman Emma say not

quite softly enough, “But don’t you think he should be a little blacker?”

“Shhh, don’t be a damn fool,” Brother Jack said sharply. “We’re not

interested in his looks but in his voice. And I suggest, Emma, that you make

it your interest too . . .”

Suddenly hot and breathless, I saw a window across the room and

went over and stood looking out. We were up very high; street lamps and

traffic cut patterns in the night below. So she doesn’t think I’m black enough.

What does she want, a black-face comedian? Who is she, anyway, Brother

Jack’s wife, his girl friend? Maybe she wants to see me sweat coal tar, ink,

shoe polish, graphite. What was I, a man or a natural resource?

The window was so high that I could barely hear the sound of traffic

below . . . This was a bad beginning, but hell, I was being hired by Brother

Jack, if he still wanted me, not this Emma woman. I’d like to show her how

really black I am, I thought, taking a big drink of the bourbon. It was

smooth, cold. I’d have to be careful with the stuff. Anything might happen if

I had too much. With these people I’ll have to be careful. Always careful.

With all people I’ll have to be careful . . .

“It’s a pleasant view, isn’t it?” a voice said, and I whirled to see a

tall dark man. “But now would you mind joining us in the library?” he said.

Brother Jack, the men who had come along in the car, and two

others whom I hadn’t seen before were waiting.

“Come in, Brother,” Jack said. “Business before pleasure is always a

good rule, whoever you are. Some day the rule shall be business with

pleasure, for the joy of labor shall have been restored. Sit down.”

I took the chair directly before him, wondering what this speech was

all about.

“You know, Brother,” he said, “we don’t ordinarily interrupt our social

gatherings with business, but with you it’s necessary.”

“I’m very sorry,” I said. “I should have called you earlier.”

“Sorry? Why, we’re only too glad to do so. We’ve been waiting for

you for months. Or for someone who could do what you’ve done.”

“But what . . . ?” I said.

“What are we doing? What is our mission? It’s simple; we are

working for a better world for all people. It’s that simple. Too many have

been dispossessed of their heritage, and we have banded together in

brotherhood so as to do something about it. What do you think of that?”

“Why, I think it’s fine,” I said, trying to take in the full meaning of

his words. “I think it’s excellent. But how?”

“By moving them to action just as you did this morning. . . Brothers,

I was there,” he said to the others, “and he was magnificent. With a few

words he set off an effective demonstration against evictions!”

“I was present too,” another said. “It was amazing.”

“Tell us something of your background,” Brother Jack said, his voice

and manner demanding truthful answers. And I explained briefly that I had

come up looking for work to pay my way through college and had failed.

“Do you still plan to return?”

“Not now,” I said. “I’m all done with that.”

“It’s just as well,” Brother Jack said. “You have little to learn down

there. However, college training is not a bad thing — although you’ll have to

forget most of it. Did you study economics?”

“Some.”

“Sociology?”

“Yes.”

“Well, let me advise you to forget it. You’ll be given books to read

along with some material that explains our program in detail. But we’re

moving too fast. Perhaps you aren’t interested in working for the

Brotherhood.”

“But you haven’t told me what I’m supposed to do,” I said.

He looked at me fixedly, picking up his glass slowly and taking a

long swallow.

“Let’s put it this way,” he said. “How would you like to be the new

Booker T. Washington?”

“What!” I looked into his bland eyes for laughter, seeing his red head

turned slightly to the side. “Please, now,” I said.

“Oh, yes, I’m serious.”

“Then I don’t understand you.” Was I drunk? I looked at him; he

seemed sober.

“What do you think of the idea? Or better still, what do you think of

Booker T. Washington?”

“Why, naturally, I think he was an important figure. At least most

people say so.”

“But?”

“Well,” I was at a loss for words. He was going too fast again. The

whole idea was insane and yet the others were looking at me calmly; one of

them was lighting up an underslung pipe. The match sputtered, caught fire.

“What is it?” Brother Jack insisted.

“Well, I guess I don’t think he was as great as the Founder.”

“Oh? And why not?”

“Well, in the first place, the Founder came before him and did

practically everything Booker T. Washington did and a lot more. And more

people believed in him. You hear a lot of arguments about Booker T.

Washington, but few would argue about the Founder . . .”

“No, but perhaps that is because the Founder lies outside history,

while Washington is still a living force. However, the new Washington shall

work for the poor . . .”

I looked into my crystal glass of bourbon. It was unbelievable, yet

strangely exciting and I had the sense of being present at the creation of

important events, as though a curtain had been parted and I was being

allowed to glimpse how the country operated. And yet none of these men was

well known, or at least I’d never seen their faces in the newspapers.

“During these times of indecision when all the old answers are

proven false, the people look back to the dead to give them a clue,” he went

on. “They call first upon one and then upon another of those who have acted

in the past.”

“If you please, Brother,” the man with the pipe interrupted, “I think

you should speak more concretely.”

“Please don’t interrupt,” Brother Jack said icily.

“I wish only to point out that a scientific terminology exists,” the

man said, emphasizing his words with his pipe. “After all, we call ourselves

scientists here. Let us speak as scientists.”

“In due time,” Brother Jack said. “In due time . . . You see,

Brother,” he said, turning to me, “the trouble is that there is little the dead

can do; otherwise they wouldn’t be the dead. No! But on the other hand, it

would be a great mistake to assume that the dead are absolutely powerless.

They are powerless only to give the full answer to the new questions posed

for the living by history. But they try! Whenever they hear the imperious

cries of the people in a crisis, the dead respond. Right now in this country,

with its many national groups, all the old heroes are being called back to life

— Jefferson, Jackson, Pulaski, Garibaldi, Booker T. Washington, Sun Yat-sen,

Danny O’Connell, Abraham Lincoln and countless others are being asked to

step once again upon the stage of history. I can’t say too emphatically that

we stand at a terminal point in history, at a moment of supreme world crisis.

Destruction lies ahead unless things are changed. And things must be

changed. And changed by the people. Because, Brother, the enemies of man

are dispossessing the world! Do you understand?”

“I’m beginning to,” I said, greatly impressed.

“There are other terms, other more accurate ways of saying all this,

but we haven’t time for that right now. We speak now in terms that are easy

to understand. As you spoke to the crowd this morning.”

“I see,” I said, feeling uncomfortable under his stare.

“So it isn’t a matter of whether you wish to be the new Booker T.

Washington, my friend. Booker Washington was resurrected today at a certain

eviction in Harlem. He came out from the anonymity of the crowd and spoke

to the people. So you see, I don’t joke with you. Or play with words either.

There is a scientific explanation for this phenomenon — as our learned

brother has graciously reminded me — you’ll learn it in time, but whatever

you call it the reality of the world crisis is a fact. We are all realists here,

and materialists. It is a question of who shall determine the direction of

events. That is why we’ve brought you into this room. This morning you

answered the people’s appeal and we want you to be the true interpreter of

the people. You shall be the new Booker T. Washington, but even greater

than he.”

There was silence. I could hear the wet cracking of the pipe.

“Perhaps we should allow the Brother to express himself as to how

he feels about all this,” the man with the pipe said.

“Well, Brother?” Brother Jack said.

I looked into their waiting faces.

“It’s all so new to me that I don’t know exactly what I do think,” I

said. “Do you really think you have the right man?”

“You mustn’t let that worry you,” Brother Jack said. “You will rise to

the task; it is only necessary that you work hard and follow instructions.”

They stood up now. I looked at them, fighting a sense of unreality.

They stared at me as the fellows had done when I was being initiated into

my college fraternity. Only this was real and now was the time for me to

decide or to say I thought they were crazy and go back to Mary’s. But what

is there to lose? I thought. At least they’ve invited me, one of us, in at the

beginning of something big; and besides, if I refused to join them, where

would I goto a job as porter at the railroad station? At least here was a

chance to speak.

“When shall I start?” I said.

“Tomorrow, we must waste no time. By the way, where are you

living?”

“I rent a room from a woman in Harlem,” I said.

“A housewife?”

“She’s a widow,” I said. “She rents rooms.”

“What is her educational background?”

“She’s had very little.”

“More or less like the old couple that was evicted?”

“Somewhat, but better able to take care of herself. She’s tough,” I

said with a laugh.

“Does she ask a lot of questions? Are you friendly with her?”

“She’s been very nice to me,” I said. “She allowed me to stay on

after I was unable to pay my rent.”

He shook his head. “No.”

“What is it?” I said.

“It is best that you move,” he said. “We’ll find you a place further

downtown so that you’ll be within easy call . . .”

“But I have no money, and she’s entirely trustworthy.”

“That will be taken care of,” he said, waving his hand. “You must

realize immediately that much of our work is opposed. Our discipline

demands therefore that we talk to no one and that we avoid situations in

which information might be given away unwittingly. So you must put aside

your past. Do you have a family?”

“Yes.”

“Are you in touch with them?”

“Of course. I write home now and then,” I said, beginning to resent

his method of questioning. His voice had become cold, searching.

“Then it’s best that you cease for a while,” he said. “Anyway, you’ll

be too busy. Here.” He fished into his vest pocket for something and got

suddenly to his feet.

“What is it?” someone asked.

“Nothing, excuse me,” he said, rolling to the door and beckoning. In

a moment I saw the woman appear.

“Emma, the slip of paper I gave you. Give it to the new Brother,” he

said as she stepped inside and closed the door.

“Oh, so it’s you,” she said with a meaningful smile.

I watched her reach into the bosom of her taffeta hostess gown and

remove a white envelope.

“This is your new identity,” Brother Jack said. “Open it.”

Inside I found a name written on a slip of paper.

“That is your new name,” Brother Jack said. “Start thinking of

yourself by that name from this moment. Get it down so that even if you are

called in the middle of the night you will respond. Very soon you shall be

known by it all over the country. You are to answer to no other,

understand?”

“I’ll try,” I said.

“Don’t forget his living quarters,” the tall man said.

“No,” Brother Jack said with a frown. “Emma, please, some funds.”

“How much, Jack?” she said.

He turned to me. “Do you owe much rent?”

“Too much,” I said.

“Make it three hundred, Emma,” he said.

“Never mind,” he said as I showed my surprise at the sum. “This

will pay your debts and buy you clothing. Call me in the morning and I’ll

have selected your living quarters. For a start your salary will be sixty dollars

a week.”

Sixty a week! There was nothing I could say. The woman had

crossed the room to the desk and returned with the money, placing it in my

hand.

“You’d better put it away,” she said expansively.

“Well, Brothers, I believe that’s all,” he said. “Emma, how about a

drink?”

“Of course, of course,” she said, going to a cabinet and removing a

decanter and a set of glasses in which she poured about an inch of clear

liquid.

“Here you are, Brothers,” she said.

Taking his, Brother Jack raised it to his nose, inhaling deeply. “To

the Brotherhood of Man . . . to History and to Change,” he said, touching

my glass.

“To History,” we all said.

The stuff burned, causing me to lower my head to hide the tears that

popped from my eyes.

“Aaaah!” someone said with deep satisfaction.

“Come along,” Emma said. “Let’s join the others.”

“Now for some pleasure,” Brother Jack said. “And remember your

new identity.”

I wanted to think but they gave me no time. I was swept into the

large room and introduced by my new name. Everyone smiled and seemed

eager to meet me, as though they all knew the role I was to play. All

grasped me warmly by the hand.

“What is your opinion of the state of women’s rights, Brother?” I was

asked by a plain woman in a large black velvet tarn. But before I could open

my mouth, Brother Jack had pushed me along to a group of men, one of

whom seemed to know all about the eviction. Nearby, a group around the

piano were singing folk songs with more volume than melody. We moved

from group to group, Brother Jack very authoritative, the others always

respectful. He must be a powerful man, I thought, not a clown at all. But to

hell with this Booker T. Washington business. I would do the work but I

would be no one except myself — whoever I was, I would pattern my life on

that of the Founder. They might think I was acting like Booker T.

Washington; let them. But what I thought of myself I would keep to myself.

Yes, and I’d have to hide the fact that I had actually been afraid when I

made my speech. Suddenly I felt laughter bubbling inside me. I’d have to

catch up with this science of history business.

We had come to stand near the piano now, where an intense young

man questioned me about various leaders of the Harlem community. I knew

them only by name, but pretended that I knew them all.

“Good,” he said, “good, we have to work with all these forces during

the coming period.”

“Yes, you’re quite right,” I said, giving my glass a tinkling twirl. A

short broad man saw me and waved the others to a halt. “Say, Brother,” he

called. “Hold the music, boys, hold it!”

“Yes, uh . . . Brother,” I said.

“You’re just who we need. We been looking for you.”

“Oh,” I said.

“How about a spiritual, Brother? Or one of those real good ole Negro

work songs? Like this: Ah went to Atlanta — nevah been there befo’,” he

sang, his arms held out from his body like a penguin’s wings, glass in one

hand, cigar in the other. “White man sleep in a feather bed, Nigguh sleep on

the flo’ . . . Ha! Ha! How about it, Brother?”

“The Brother does not sing!” Brother Jack roared staccato.

“Nonsense, all colored people sing.”

“This is an outrageous example of unconscious racial chauvinism!”

Jack said.

“Nonsense, I like their singing,” the broad man said doggedly.

“The Brother does not sing!” Brother Jack cried, his face turning a

deep purple.

The broad man regarded him stubbornly. “Why don’t you let him say

whether he can sing or not . . . ? Come on, Brother, git hot! Go Down,

Moses,” he bellowed in a ragged baritone, putting down his cigar and

snapping his fingers. “Way down in Egypt’s land. Tell dat ole Pharaoh to let

ma colored folks sing! I’m for the rights of the colored brother to sing!” he

shouted belligerently.

Brother Jack looked as if he would choke; he raised his hand,

signaling. I saw two men shoot from across the room and lead the short man

roughly away. Brother Jack followed them as they disappeared beyond the

door, leaving an enormous silence.

For a moment I stood there, my eyes riveted upon the door, then I

turned, the glass hot in my hand, my face feeling as though it would explode.

Why was everyone staring at me as though I were responsible? Why the hell

were they staring at me? Suddenly I yelled, “What’s the matter with you?

Haven’t you ever seen a drunk –” when somewhere off the foyer the broad

man’s voice staggered drunkenly to us, “St. Louis mammieeeee — with her

diamond riiiings . . .” and was clipped off by a slamming door, leaving a

roomful of bewildered faces. And suddenly I was laughing hysterically.

“He hit me in the face,” I wheezed. “He hit me in the face with a

yard of chitterlings!” — bending double, roaring, the whole room seeming to

dance up and down with each rapid eruption of laughter.

“He threw a hog maw,” I cried, but no one seemed to understand.

My eyes filled, I could barely see. “He’s high as a Georgia pine,” I laughed,

turning to the group nearest me. “He’s abso-lutely drunk . . . off music!”

“Yes. Sure,” a man said nervously. “Ha, ha . . .”

“Three sheets in the wind,” I laughed, getting my breath now, and

discovering that the silent tension of the others was ebbing into a ripple of

laughter that sounded throughout the room, growing swiftly to a roar, a laugh

of all dimensions, intensities and intonations. Everyone was joining in. The

room fairly bounced.

“And did you see Brother Jack’s face,” a man shouted, shaking his

head.

“It was murder!”

“Go down Moses!”

“I tell you it was murder!”

Across the room they were pounding someone on the back to keep

him from choking. Handkerchiefs appeared, there was much honking of noses,

wiping of eyes. A glass crashed to the floor, a chair was overturned. I fought

against the painful laughter, and as I calmed I saw them looking at me with

a sort of embarrassed gratitude. It was sobering and yet they seemed bent

upon pretending that nothing unusual had happened. They smiled. Several

seemed about to come over and pound my back, shake my hand. It was as

though I had told them something which they’d wished very much to hear,

had rendered them an important service which I couldn’t understand. But

there it was, working in their faces. My stomach ached. I wanted to leave, to

get their eyes off me. Then a thin little woman came over and grasped my

hand.

“I’m so sorry that this had to happen,” she said in a slow Yankee

voice, “really and truly sorry. Some of our Brothers aren’t so highly

developed, you know. Although they mean very well. You must allow me to

apologize for him . . .”

“Oh, he was only tipsy,” I said, looking into her thin, New England

face.

“Yes, I know, and revealingly so. I would never ask our colored

brothers to sing, even though I love to hear them. Because I know that it

would be a very backward thing. You are here to fight along with us, not to

entertain. I think you understand me, don’t you, Brother?”

I gave her a silent smile.

“Of course you do. I must go now, good-bye,” she said, extending her

little white-gloved hand and leaving.

I was puzzled. Just what did she mean? Was it that she understood

that we resented having others think that we were all entertainers and natural

singers? But now after the mutual laughter something disturbed me: Shouldn’t

there be some way for us to be asked to sing? Shouldn’t the short man have

the right to make a mistake without his motives being considered consciously

or unconsciously malicious? After all, he was singing, or trying to. What if I

asked him to sing? I watched the little woman, dressed in black like a

missionary, winding her way through the crowd. What on earth was she doing

here? What part did she play? Well, whatever she meant, she’s nice and I

like her.

Just then Emma came up and challenged me to dance and I led her

toward the floor as the piano played, thinking of the vet’s prediction and

drawing her to me as though I danced with such as her every evening. For

having committed myself, I felt that I could never allow myself to show

surprise or upset — even when confronted with situations furthest from my

experience. Otherwise I might be considered undependable, or unworthy. I felt

that somehow they expected me to perform even those tasks for which

nothing in my experience — except perhaps my imagination — had prepared

me. Still it was nothing new, white folks seemed always to expect you to

know those things which they’d done everything they could think of to

prevent you from knowing. The thing to do was to be prepared — as my

grandfather had been when it was demanded that he quote the entire United

States Constitution as a test of his fitness to vote. He had confounded them

all by passing the test, although they still refused him the ballot . . . Anyway,

these were different.

It was close to five A.M., many dances and many bourbons later,

when I reached Mary’s. Somehow, I felt surprised that the room was still the

same — except that Mary had changed the bed linen. Good old Mary. I felt

sadly sobered. And as I undressed I saw my outworn clothes and realized

that I’d have to shed them. Certainly it was time. Even my hat would go; its

green was sun-faded and brown, like a leaf struck by the winter’s snows. I

would require a new one for my new name. A black broad-brimmed one;

perhaps a homburg . . . humbug? I laughed. Well, I could leave packing for

tomorrow — I had very little, which was perhaps all to the good. I would

travel light, far and fast. They were fast people, all right. What a vast

difference between Mary and those for whom I was leaving her. And why

should it be this way, that the very job which might make it possible for me

to do some of the things which she expected of me required that I leave her?

What kind of room would Brother Jack select for me and why wasn’t I left

to select my own? It didn’t seem right that in order to become a Harlem

Leader I should live elsewhere. Yet nothing seemed right and I would have to

rely upon their judgment. They seemed expert in such matters.

But how far could I trust them, and in what way were they different

from the trustees? Whatever, I was committed; I’d learn in the process of

working with them, I thought, remembering the money. The bills were crisp

and fresh and I tried to imagine Mary’s surprise when I paid her all my back

rent and board. She’d think that I was kidding. But money could never repay

her generosity. She would never understand my wanting to move so quickly

after getting a job. And if I had any kind of success at all, it would seem the

height of ingratitude. How would I face her? She had asked for nothing in

return. Or hardly anything, except that I make something of myself that she

called a “race leader.” I shivered in the cold. Telling her that I was moving

would be a hard proposition. I didn’t like to think of it, but one couldn’t be

sentimental. As Brother Jack had said, History makes harsh demands of us

all. But they were demands that had to be met if men were to be the

masters and not the victims of their times. Did I believe that? Perhaps I had

already begun to pay. Besides, I might as well admit right now, I thought,

that there are many things about people like Mary that I dislike. For one

thing, they seldom know where their personalities end and yours begins; they

usually think in terms of “we” while I have always tended to think in terms

of “me” — and that has caused some friction, even with my own family.

Brother Jack and the others talked in terms of “we,” but it was a different,

bigger “we.”

Well, I had a new name and new problems. I had best leave the old

behind. Perhaps it would be best not to see Mary at all, just place the money

in an envelope and leave it on the kitchen table where she’d be sure to find

it. It would be better that way, I thought drowsily; then there’d be no need

to stand before her and stumble over emotions and words that were at best

all snarled up and undifferentiated . . . One thing about the people at the

Chthonian, they all seemed able to say just what they felt and meant in hard,

clear terms. That too, I’d have to learn . . . I stretched out beneath the

covers, hearing the springs groan beneath me. The room was cold. I listened

to the night sounds of the house. The clock ticked with empty urgency, as

though trying to catch up with the time. In the street a siren howled.

Chapter 15

Then I was awake and not awake, sitting bolt upright in bed and

trying to peer through the sick gray light as I sought the meaning of the

brash, nerve-jangling sound. Pushing the blanket aside I clasped my hands to

my ears. Someone was pounding the steam line, and I stared helplessly for

what seemed minutes. My ears throbbed. My side began itching violently and

I tore open my pajamas to scratch, and suddenly the pain seemed to leap

from my ears to my side and I saw gray marks appearing where the old skin

was flaking away beneath my digging nails. And as I watched I saw thin lines

of blood well up in the scratches, bringing pain and joining time and place

again, and I thought, The room has lost its heat on my last day at Mary’s,

and suddenly I was sick at heart.

The clock, its alarm lost in the larger sound, said seven-thirty, and I

got out of bed. I’d have to hurry. There was shopping to do before I called

Brother Jack for my instructions and I had to get the money to Mary — Why

didn’t they stop that noise? I reached for my shoes, flinching as the knocking

seemed to sound an inch above my head. Why don’t they stop, I thought.

And why do I feel so let down? The bourbon? My nerves going bad?

Suddenly I was across the room in a bound, pounding the pipe

furiously with my shoe heel.

“Stop it, you ignorant fool!”

My head was splitting. Beside myself, I struck pieces of silver from

the pipe, exposing the black and rusted iron. He was using a piece of metal

now, his blows ringing with a ragged edge.

If only I knew who it was, I thought, looking for something heavy

with which to strike back. If only I knew!

Then near the door I saw something which I’d never noticed there

before: the cast-iron figure of a very black, red-lipped and wide-mouthed

Negro, whose white eyes stared up at me from the floor, his face an

enormous grin, his single large black hand held palm up before his chest. It

was a bank, a piece of early Americana, the kind of bank which, if a coin is

placed in the hand and a lever pressed upon the back, will raise its arm and

flip the coin into the grinning mouth. For a second I stopped, feeling hate

charging within me, then dashed over and grabbed it, suddenly as enraged by

the tolerance or lack of discrimination, or whatever, that allowed Mary to

keep such a self-mocking image around, as by the knocking.

In my hand its expression seemed more of a strangulation than a

grin. It was choking, filled to the throat with coins.

How the hell did it get here, I wondered, dashing over and striking

the pipe a blow with the kinky iron head. “Shut up!” I screamed, which

seemed only to enrage the hidden knocker. The din was deafening. Tenants

up and down the entire line of apartments joined in. I hammered back with

the iron naps, seeing the silver fly, striking like driven sand against my face.

The pipe fairly hummed with the blows. Windows were going up. Voices

yelled obscenities down the airshaft.

Who started all this, I wondered, who’s responsible?

“Why don’t you act like responsible people living in the twentieth

century?” I yelled, aiming a blow at the pipe. “Get rid of your cottonpatch

ways! Act civilized!”

Then came a crash of sound and I felt the iron head crumble and fly

apart in my hand. Coins flew over the room like crickets, ringing, rattling

against the floor, rolling. I stopped dead.

“Just listen to ’em! Just listen to ’em!” Mary called from the hall.

“Enough noise to wake the dead! They know when the heat don’t come up

that the super’s drunk or done walked off the job looking for his woman, or

something. Why don’t folks act according to what they know?”

She was at my door now, knocking stroke for stroke with the blows

landing on the pipe, calling, “Son! Ain’t some of that knocking coming from

in there?”

I turned from side to side in indecision, looking at the pieces of

broken head, the small coins of all denominations that were scattered about.

“You hear me, boy?” she called.

“What is it?” I called, dropping to the floor and reaching frantically

for the broken pieces, thinking, If she opens the door, I’m lost . . .

“I said is any of that racket coming from in there?”

“Yes, it is, Mary,” I called, “but I’m all right . . . I’m already awake.”

I saw the knob move and froze, hearing, “Sounded to me like a heap

of it was coming from in there. You got your clothes on?”

“No,” I cried. “I’m just dressing. I’ll have them on in a minute.”

“Come on out to the kitchen,” she said. “It’s warm out there. And

there’s some hot water on the stove to wash your face in . . . and some

coffee. Lawd, just listen at the racket!”

I stood as though frozen, until she moved away from the door. I’d

have to hurry. I kneeled, picking up a piece of the bank, a part of the

red-shirted chest, reading the legend, FEED ME in a curve of white iron

letters, like the team name on an athlete’s shirt. The figure had gone to

pieces like a grenade, scattering jagged fragments of painted iron among the

coins. I looked at my hand; a small trickle of blood showed. I wiped it away,

thinking, I’ll have to hide this mess! I can’t take her this and the news that

I’m moving at the same time. Taking a newspaper from the chair I folded it

stiffly and swept the coins and broken metal into a pile. Where would I hide

it, I wondered, looking with profound distaste at the iron kinks, the dull red

of a piece of grinning lip. Why, I thought with anguish, would Mary have

something like this around anyway? Just why? I looked under the bed. It was

dustless there, no place to hide anything. She was too good a housekeeper.

Besides, what of the coins? Hell! Maybe the thing was left by the former

roomer. Anyway, whose ever it was, it had to be hidden. There was the

closet, but she’d find it there too. After I was gone a few days she’d clean

out my things and there it’d be. The knocking had gone beyond mere protest

over heatlessness now, they had fallen into a ragged rumba rhythm:

Knock!

Knock-knock

Knock-knock!

Knock!

Knock-knock!

Knock-knock!

vibrating the very floor.

“Just a few minutes more, you bastards,” I said aloud, “and I’ll be

gone! No respect for the individual. Why don’t you think about those who

might wish to sleep? What if someone is near a nervous breakdown . . . ?”

But there was still the package. There was nothing to do but get rid

of it along the way downtown. Making a tight bundle, I placed it in my

overcoat pocket. I’d simply have to give Mary enough money to cover the

coins. I’d give her as much as I could spare, half of what I had, if necessary.

That should make up for some of it. She should appreciate that. And now I

realized with a feeling of dread that I had to meet her face to face. There

was no way out. Why can’t I just tell her that I’m leaving and pay her and

go on off? She was a landlady, I was a tenant — No, there was more to it

and I wasn’t hard enough, scientific enough, even to tell her that I was

leaving. I’ll tell her I have a job, anything, but it has to be now.

She was sitting at the table drinking coffee when I went in, the

kettle hissing away on the stove, sending up jets of steam.

“Gee, but you slow this morning,” she said. “Take some of that water

in the kettle and go wash your face. Though sleepy as you look, maybe you

ought to just use cold water.”

“This’ll do,” I said flatly, feeling the steam drifting upon my face,

growing swiftly damp and cold. The clock above the stove was slower than

mine.

In the bathroom I put in the plug and poured some of the hot water

and cooled it from the spigot. I kept the tear-warm water upon my face a

long time, then dried and returned to the kitchen.

“Run it full again,” she said when I returned. “How you feel?”

“So-so,” I said.

She sat with her elbows upon the enameled table top, her cup held

in both hands, one work-worn little finger delicately curved. I went to the

sink and turned the spigot, feeling the cold rush of water upon my hand,

thinking of what I had to do . . .

“That’s enough there, boy,” Mary said, startling me. “Wake up!”

“I guess I’m not all here,” I said. “My mind was wandering.”

“Well, call it back and come get you some coffee. Soon’s I’ve had

mine, I’ll see what kind of breakfast I can whip together. I guess after last

night you can eat this morning. You didn’t come back for supper.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “Coffee will be enough for me.”

“Boy, you better start eating again,” she warned, pouring me a full

cup of coffee.

I took the cup and sipped it, black. It was bitter. She glanced from

me to the sugar bowl and back again but remained silent, then swirled her

cup, looking into it.

“Guess I’ll have to get some better filters,” she mused. “These I got

lets through the grounds along with the coffee, the good with the bad. I don’t

know though, even with the best of filters you apt to find a ground or two at

the bottom of your cup.”

I blew upon the steaming liquid, avoiding Mary’s eyes. The knocking

was becoming unbearable again. I’d have to get away. I looked at the hot

metallic surface of the coffee, noticing on oily, opalescent swirl.

“Look, Mary,” I said, plunging in, “I want to talk to you about

something.”

“Now see here, boy,” she said gruffly, “I don’t want you worrying me

about your rent this morning. I’m not worried ’cause when you get it I know

you’ll pay me. Meanwhile you forget it. Nobody in this house is going to

starve. You having any luck lining up a job?”

“No — I mean not exactly,” I stammered, seizing the opportunity.

“But I’ve got an appointment to see about one this morning . . .”

Her face brightened. “Oh, that’s fine. You’ll get something yet. I know

it.”

“But about my debt,” I began again.

“Don’t worry about it. How about some hotcakes?” she asked, rising

and going to look into the cabinet. “They’ll stick with you in this cold

weather.”

“I won’t have time,” I said. “But I’ve got something for you . . .”

“What’s that?” she said, her voice coming muffled as she peered

inside the cabinet.

“Here,” I said hurriedly reaching into my pocket for the money.

“What? — Let’s see if I got some syrup . . .”

“But look,” I said eagerly, removing a hundred-dollar bill.

“Must be on a higher shelf,” she said, her back still turned.

I sighed as she dragged a step ladder from beside the cabinet and

mounted it, holding onto the doors and peering upon an upper shelf. I’d

never get it said. . .

“But I’m trying to give you something,” I said.

“Why don’t you quit bothering me, boy? You trying to give me

what?” she said looking over her shoulder.

I held up the bill. “This,” I said.

She craned her head around. “Boy, what you got there?”

“It’s money.”

“Money? Good God, boy!” she said, almost losing her balance as she

turned completely around. “Where’d you get all that much money? You been

playing the numbers?”

“That’s it. My number came up,” I said thankfully — thinking, What’ll

I say if she asks what the number was? I didn’t know. I had never played.

“But how come you didn’t tell me? I’d have at least put a nickel on

it.”

“I didn’t think it would do anything,” I said.

“Well, I declare. And I bet it was your first time too.”

“It was.”

“See there, I knowed you was a lucky one. Here I been playing for

years and the first drop of the bucket you hits for that kinda money. I’m sho

glad for you, son. I really am. But I don’t want your money. You wait ’til you

get a job.”

“But I’m not giving you all of it,” I said hastily. “This is just on

account.”

“But that’s a hundred-dollar bill. I take that an’ try to change it and

the white folks’ll want to know my whole life’s history.” She snorted. “They

want to know where I was born, where I work, and where I been for the last

six months, and when I tell ’em they still gonna think I stole it. Ain’t you

got nothing smaller?”

“That’s the smallest. Take it,” I pleaded. “I’ll have enough left.”

She looked at me shrewdly. “You sho?”

“It’s the truth,” I said.

“Well, I de-clare — Let me get down from up here before I fall and

break my neck! Son,” she said, coming down off the ladder, “I sho do

appreciate it. But I tell you, I’m just going to keep part of it for myself and

the rest I’m going to save for you. You get hard up just come to Mary.”

“I think I’ll be all right now,” I said, watching her fold the money

carefully, placing it in the leather bag that always hung on the back of her

chair.

“I’m really glad, ’cause now I can take care of that bill they been

bothering me about. It’ll do me so much good to go in there and plop down

some money and tell them folks to quit bothering me. Son, I believe your

luck done changed. You dream that number?”

I glanced at her eager face. “Yes,” I said, “but it was a mixed-up

dream.”

“What was the figger — Jesus! What’s this!” she cried, getting up and

pointing at the linoleum near the steam line.

I saw a small drove of roaches trooping frantically down the steam

line from the floor above, plummeting to the floor as the vibration of the

pipe shook them off.

“Get the broom!” Mary yelled. “Out of the closet there!”

Stepping around the chair I snatched the broom and joined her,

splattering the scattering roaches with both broom and feet, hearing the pop

and snap as I brought the pressure down upon them vehemently.

“The filthy, stinking things,” Mary cried. “Git that one under the

table! Yon’ he goes, don’t let him git away! The nasty rascal!”

I swung the broom, battering and sweeping the squashed insects into

piles. Breathing excitedly Mary got the dust pan and handed it to me.

“Some folks just live in filth,” she said disgustedly. “Just let a little

knocking start and here it comes crawling out. All you have to do is shake

things up a bit.”

I looked at the damp spots on the linoleum, then shakily replaced

the pan and broom and started out of the room.

“Aren’t you going to eat no breakfast?” she said. “Soon’s I wipe up

this mess I’m going to start.”

“I don’t have time,” I said, my hand on the knob. “My appointment

is early and I have a few things to do beforehand.”

“Then you better stop and have you something hot soon as you can.

Don’t do to go around in this cold weather without something in your belly.

And don’t think you goin’ start eating out just ’cause you got some money!”

“I don’t. I’ll take care of it,” I said to her back as she washed her

hands.

“Well, good luck, son,” she called. “You really give me a pleasant

surprise this morning — and if that’s a lie, I hope something big’ll bite me!”

She laughed gaily and I went down the hall to my room and closed

the door. Pulling on my overcoat I got down my prized brief case from the

closet. It was still as new as the night of the battle royal, and sagged now as

I placed the smashed bank and coins inside and locked the flap. Then I

closed the closet door and left.

The knocking didn’t bother me so much now. Mary was singing

something sad and serene as I went down the hall, and still singing as I

opened the door and stepped into the outside hall. Then I remembered, and

there beneath the dim hall light I took the faintly perfumed paper from my

wallet and carefully unfolded it. A tremor passed over me; the hall was cold.

Then it was gone and I squinted and took a long, hard look at my new

Brotherhood name.

The night’s snowfall was already being churned to muck by the

passing cars, and it was warmer. Joining the pedestrians along the walk, I

could feel the brief case swinging against my leg from the weight of the

package, and I determined to get rid of the coins and broken iron at the first

ash can. I needed nothing like this to remind me of my last morning at

Mary’s.

I made for a row of crushed garbage cans lined before a row of old

private houses, coming alongside and tossing the package casually into one of

them and moving on — only to hear a door open behind me and a voice ring

out,

“Oh, no you don’t, oh, no you don’t! Just come right back here and

get it!”

Turning, I saw a little woman standing on the stoop with a green

coat covering her head and shoulders, its sleeves hanging limp like extra

atrophied arms.

“I mean you,” she called. “Come on back an’ get your trash. An’

don’t ever put your trash in my can again!”

She was a short yellow woman with a pince-nez on a chain, her hair

pinned up in knots.

“We keep our place clean and respectable and we don’t want you

field niggers coming up here from the South and ruining things,” she shouted

with blazing hate.

People were stopping to look. A super from a building down the

block came out and stood in the middle of the walk, pounding his fist against

his palm with a dry, smacking sound. I hesitated, embarrassed and annoyed.

Was this woman crazy?

“I mean it! Yes, you! I’m talking to you! Just take it right out!

Rosalie,” she called to someone inside the house, “call the police, Rosalie!”

I can’t afford that, I thought, and walked back to the can. “What

does it matter, Miss?” I called up to her. “When the collectors come, garbage

is garbage. I just didn’t want to throw it into the street. I didn’t know that

some kinds of garbage were better than others.”

“Never mind your impertinence,” she said. “I’m sick and tired of

having you southern Negroes mess up things for the rest of us!”

“All right,” I said, “I’ll get it out.”

I reached into the half-filled can, feeling for the package, as the

fumes of rotting swill entered my nostrils. It felt unhealthy to my hand, and

the heavy package had sunk far down. Cursing, I pushed back my sleeve with

my clean hand and probed until I found it. Then I wiped off my arm with a

handkerchief and started away, aware of the people who paused to grin at

me.

“It serves you right,” the little woman called from the stoop.

And I turned and started upward. “That’s enough out of you, you

piece of yellow gone-to-waste. Unless you still want to call the police.” My

voice had taken on a new shrill pitch. “I’ve done what you wanted me to do;

another word and I’ll do what I want to do –”

She looked at me with widening eyes. “I believe you would,” she

said, opening the door. “I believe you would.”

“I not only would, I’d love it,” I said.

“I can see that you’re no gentleman,” she called, slamming the door,

At the next row of cans I wiped off my wrist and hands with a piece

of newspaper, then wrapped the rest around the package. Next time I’d throw

it into the street.

Two blocks further along my anger had ebbed, but I felt strangely

lonely. Even the people who stood around me at the intersection seemed

isolated, each lost in his own thoughts. And now just as the lights changed I

let the package fall into the trampled snow and hurried across, thinking,

There, it’s done.

I had covered two blocks when someone called behind me, “Say,

buddy! Hey, there! You, Mister . . . Wait a second!” and I could hear the

hurried crunching of footsteps upon the snow. Then he was beside me, a

squat man in worn clothes, the strands of his breath showing white in the

cold as he smiled at me, panting.

“You was moving so fast I thought I wasn’t going to be able to stop

you,” he said. “Didn’t you lose something back there a piece?”

Oh, hell, a friend in need, I thought, deciding to deny it. “Lose

something?” I said. “Why, no.”

“You sure?” he said, frowning.

“Yes,” I said, seeing his forehead wrinkle with uncertainty, a hot

charge of fear leaping to his eyes as he searched my face.

“But I seen you — Say, buddy,” he said, looking swiftly back up the

street, “what you trying to do?”

“Do? What do you mean?”

“I mean talking ’bout you didn’t lose nothing. You working a con

game or something?” He backed away, looking hurriedly at the pedestrians

back up the street from where he’d come.

“What on earth are you talking about now?” I said. “I tell you I

didn’t lose anything.”

“Man, don’t tell me! I seen you. What the hell you mean?” he said,

furtively removing the package from his pocket. “This here feels like money or

a gun or something and I know damn well I seen you drop it.”

“Oh, that,” I said. “That isn’t anything — I thought you –”

“That’s right, ‘Oh.’ So you remember now, don’t you? I think I’m

doing you a favor and you play me for a fool. You some kind of confidence

man or dope peddler or something? You trying to work one of those pigeon

drops on me?”

“Pigeon drop?” I said. “You’re making a mistake –”

“Mistake, hell! Take this damn stuff,” he said, thrusting the package

in my hands as though it were a bomb with a lighted fuse. “I got a family,

man. I try to do you a favor and here you trying to get me into trouble —

You running from a detective or somebody?”

“Wait a minute,” I said. “You’re letting your imagination run away;

this is nothing but garbage –”

“Don’t try to hand me that simple-minded crap,” he wheezed. “I

know what kind of garbage it is. You young New York Negroes is a blip! I

swear you is! I hope they catch you and put your ass under the jail!”

He shot away as though I had smallpox. I looked at the package. He

thinks it’s a gun or stolen goods, I thought, watching him go. A few steps

farther along I was about to toss it boldly into the street when upon looking

back I saw him, joined by another man now, gesturing toward me

indignantly. I hurried away. Give him time and the fool’ll call a policeman. I

dropped the package back into the brief case. I’d wait until I got downtown.

On the subway people around me were reading their morning papers,

pressing forward their unpleasant faces. I rode with my eyes shut, trying to

make my mind blank to thoughts of Mary. Then turning, I saw the item

Violent Protest Over Harlem Eviction, just as the man lowered his paper and

moved out of the breaking doors. I could hardly wait until I reached 42nd

Street, where I found the story carried on the front page of a tabloid, and I

read it eagerly. I was referred to only as an unknown “rabble rouser” who

had disappeared in the excitement, but that it referred to me was

unmistakable. It had lasted for two hours, the crowd refusing to vacate the

premises. I entered the clothing store with a new sense of self-importance.

I selected a more expensive suit than I’d intended, and while it was

being altered I picked up a hat, shorts, shoes, underwear and socks, then

hurried to call Brother Jack, who snapped his orders like a general. I was to

go to a number on the upper East Side where I’d find a room, and I was to

read over some of the Brotherhood’s literature which had been left there for

me, with the idea of my making a speech at a Harlem rally to be held that

evening.

The address was that of an undistinguished building in a mixed

Spanish-Irish neighborhood, and there were boys throwing snowballs across

the street when I rang the super’s bell. The door was opened by a small

pleasant-faced woman who smiled.

“Good morning, Brother,” she said. “The apartment is all ready for

you. He said you’d come about this time and I’ve just this minute come

down. My, just look at that snow.”

I followed her up the three flights of stairs, wondering what on earth

I’d do with a whole apartment.

“This is it,” she said, removing a chain of keys from her pocket and

opening a door at the front of the hall. I went into a small comfortably

furnished room that was bright with the winter sun. “This is the living room,”

she said proudly, “and over here is your bedroom.”

It was much larger than I needed, with a chest of drawers, two

upholstered chairs, two closets, a bookshelf and a desk on which was stacked

the literature to which he’d referred. A bathroom lay off the bedroom, and

there was a small kitchen.

“I hope you like it, Brother,” she said, as she left. “If there’s anything

you need, please ring my bell.”

The apartment was clean and neat and I liked it — especially the

bathroom with its tub and shower. And as quickly as I could I drew a bath

and soaked myself. Then feeling clean and exhilarated I went out to puzzle

over the Brotherhood books and pamphlets. My brief case with the broken

image lay on the table. I would get rid of the package later; right now I had

to think about tonight’s rally.

Chapter 16

At seven-thirty Brother Jack and some of the others picked me up

and we shot up to Harlem in a taxi. As before, no one spoke a word. There

was only the sound made by a man in the corner who drew noisily on a

pipeful of rum-flavored tobacco, causing it to glow on and off, a red disk in

the dark. I rode with mounting nervousness; the taxi seemed unnaturally

warm. We got out in a side street and went down a narrow alley in the dark

to the rear of the huge, barn-like building. Other members had already

arrived.

“Ah, here we are,” Brother Jack said, leading the way through a dark

rear door to a dressing room lighted by naked, low-hanging bulbs — a small

room with wooden benches and a row of steel lockers with a network of

names scratched on the doors. It had a football-locker smell of ancient sweat,

iodine, blood and rubbing alcohol, and I felt a welling up of memories.

“We remain here until the building fills,” Brother Jack said. “Then we

make our appearance — just at the height of their impatience.” He gave me a

grin. “Meanwhile, you think about what you’ll say. Did you look over the

material?”

“All day,” I said.

“Good. I suggest, however, that you listen carefully to the rest of us.

We’ll all precede you so that you can get pointers for your remarks. You’ll be

last.”

I nodded, seeing him take two of the other men by the arm and

retreat to a corner. I was alone, the others were studying their notes, talking.

I went across the room to a torn photograph tacked to the faded wall. It was

a shot, in fighting stance, of a former prizefight champion, a popular fighter

who had lost his sight in the ring. It must have been right here in this

arena, I thought. That had been years ago. The photograph was that of a

man so dark and battered that he might have been of any nationality. Big

and loose-muscled, he looked like a good man. I remembered my father’s

story of how he had been beaten blind in a crooked fight, of the scandal that

had been suppressed, and how the fighter had died in a home for the blind.

Who would have thought I’d ever come here? How things were twisted

around! I felt strangely sad and went and slouched on a bench. The others

talked on, their voices low. I watched them with a sudden resentment. Why

did I have to come last? What if they bored the audience to death before I

came on! I’d probably be shouted down before I could get started . . . But

perhaps not, I thought, jabbing my suspicions away. Perhaps I could make an

effect through the sheer contrast between my approach and theirs. Maybe that

was the strategy . . . Anyway, I had to trust them. I had to.

Still a nervousness clung to me. I felt out of place. From beyond the

door I could hear a distant scrape of chairs, a murmur of voices. Little

worries whirled up within me: That I might forget my new name; that I

might be recoginzed from the audience. I bent forward, suddenly conscious of

my legs in new blue trousers. But how do you know they’re your legs? What’s

your name? I thought, making a sad joke with myself. It was absurd, but it

relieved my nervousness. For it was as though I were looking at my own legs

for the first time — independent objects that could of their own volition lead

me to safety or danger. I stared at the dusty floor. Then it was as though I

were returning after a long suspension of consciousness, as though I stood

simultaneously at opposite ends of a tunnel. I seemed to view myself from

the distance of the campus while yet sitting there on a bench in the old

arena; dressed in a new blue suit; sitting across the room from a group of

intense men who talked among themselves in hushed, edgy voices; while yet

in the distance I could hear the clatter of chairs, more voices, a cough. I

seemed aware of it all from a point deep within me, yet there was a

disturbing vagueness about what I saw, a disturbing unformed quality, as

when you see yourself in a photo exposed during adolescence: the expression

empty, the grin without character, the ears too large, the pimples, “courage

bumps,” too many and too well-defined. This was a new phase, I realized, a

new beginning, and I would have to take that part of myself that looked on

with remote eyes and keep it always at the distance of the campus, the

hospital machine, the battle royal — all now far behind. Perhaps the part of

me that observed listlessly but saw all, missing nothing, was still the

malicious, arguing part; the dissenting voice, my grandfather part; the cynical,

disbelieving part — the traitor self that always threatened internal discord.

Whatever it was, I knew that I’d have to keep it pressed down. I had to. For

if I were successful tonight, I’d be on the road to something big. No more

flying apart at the seams, no more remembering forgotten pains . . . No, I

thought, shifting my body, they’re the same legs on which I’ve come so far

from home. And yet they were somehow new. The new suit imparted a

newness to me. It was the clothes and the new name and the circumstances.

It was a newness too subtle to put into thought, but there it was. I was

becoming someone else.

I sensed vaguely and with a flash of panic that the moment I walked

out upon the platform and opened my mouth I’d be someone else. Not just a

nobody with a manufactured name which might have belonged to anyone, or

to no one. But another personality. Few people knew me now, but after

tonight . . . How was it? Perhaps simply to be known, to be looked upon by

so many people, to be the focal point of so many concentrating eyes, perhaps

this was enough to make one different; enough to transform one into

something else, someone else; just as by becoming an increasingly larger boy

one became one day a man; a man with a deep voice — although my voice

had been deep since I was twelve. But what if someone from the campus

wandered into the audience? Or someone from Mary’s — even Mary herself?

“No, it wouldn’t change it,” I heard myself say softly, “that’s all past.” My

name was different; I was under orders. Even if I met Mary on the street, I’d

have to pass her by unrecognized. A depressing thought — and I got up

abruptly and went out of the dressing room and into the alley.

Without my overcoat it was cold. A feeble light burned above the

entrance, sparkling the snow. I crossed the alley to the dark side, stopping

near a fence that smelled of carbolic acid, which, as I looked back across the

alley, caused me to remember a great abandoned hole that had been the site

of a sports arena that had burned before my birth. All that was left, a cliff

drop of some forty feet below the heat-buckled walk, was the shell of

concrete with weirdly bent and rusted rods that had been its basement. The

hole was used for dumping, and after a rain it stank with stagnant water.

And now in my mind I stood upon the walk looking out across the hole past

a Hooverville shanty of packing cases and bent tin signs, to a railroad yard

that lay beyond. Dark depthless water lay without motion in the hole, and

past the Hooverville a switch engine idled upon the shining rails, and as a

plume of white steam curled slowly from its funnel I saw a man come out of

the shanty and start up the path which led to the walk above. Stooped and

dark and sprouting rags from his shoes, hat and sleeves, he shuffled slowly

toward me, bringing a threatening cloud of carbolic acid. It was a syphilitic

who lived alone in the shanty between the hole and the railroad yard, coming

up to the street only to beg money for food and disinfectant with which to

soak his rags. Then in my mind I saw him stretching out a hand from which

the fingers had been eaten away and I ran — back to the dark, and the cold

and the present.

I shivered, looking toward the street, where up the alley through the

tunneling dark, three mounted policemen loomed beneath the circular,

snow-sparkling beam of the street lamp, grasping their horses by their bridles,

the heads of both men and animals bent close, as though plotting; the leather

of saddles and leggings shining. Three white men and three black horses.

Then a car passed and they showed in full relief, their shadows flying like

dreams across the sparkle of snow and darkness. And, as I turned to leave,

one of the horses violently tossed its head and I saw the gauntleted fist

yanked down. Then there was a wild neigh and the horse plunged off in the

dark, the crisp, frantic clanking of metal and the stomping of hooves followed

me to the door. Perhaps this was something for Brother Jack to know.

But inside they were still in a huddle, and I went back and sat on

the bench.

I watched them, feeling very young and inexperienced and yet

strangely old, with an oldness that watched and waited quietly within me.

Outside, the audience had begun to drone; a distant, churning sound that

brought back some of the terror of the eviction. My mind flowed. There was

a child standing in rompers outside a chicken-wire fence, looking in upon a

huge black-and-white dog, log-chained to an apple tree. It was Master, the

bulldog; and I was the child who was afraid to touch him, although, panting

with heat, he seemed to grin back at me like a fat good-natured man, the

saliva roping silvery from his jowls. And as the voices of the crowd churned

and mounted and became an impatient splatter of hand claps, I thought of

Master’s low hoarse growl. He had barked the same note when angry or

when being brought his dinner, when lazily snapping flies, or when tearing an

intruder to shreds. I liked, but didn’t trust old Master; I wanted to please,

but did not trust the crowd. Then I looked at Brother Jack and grinned: That

was it; in some ways, he was like a toy bull terrier.

But now the roar and clapping of hands became a song and I saw

Brother Jack break off and bounce to the door. “Okay, Brothers,” he said,

“that’s our signal.”

We went in a bunch, out of the dressing room and down a dim

passage aroar with the distant sound. Then it was brighter and I could see a

spotlight blazing the smoky haze. We moved silently, Brother Jack following

two very black Negroes and two white men who led the procession, and now

the roar of the crowd seemed to rise above us, flaring louder. I noticed the

others falling into columns of four, and I was alone in the rear, like the pivot

of a drill team. Ahead, a slanting shaft of brightness marked the entrance to

one of the levels of the arena, and now as we passed it the crowd let out a

roar. Then swiftly we were in the dark again, and climbing, the roar seeming

to sink below us and we were moved into a bright blue light and down a

ramp; to each side of which, stretching away in a curve, I could see rows of

blurred faces — then suddenly I was blinded and felt myself crash into the

man ahead of me. “It always happens the first time,” he shouted, stopping to

let me get my balance, his voice small in the roar. “It’s the spotlight!”

It had picked us up now, and, beaming just ahead, led us into the

arena and encircled us full in its beam, the crowd thundering. The song burst

forth like a rocket to the marching tempo of clapping hands:

John Brown’s body lies a-mold’ring in the grave

John Brown’s body lies a-mold’ring in the grave

John Brown’s body lies a-mold’ring in the grave

— His soul is marching on!

Imagine that, I thought, they make the old song sound new. At first

I was as remote as though I stood in the highest balcony looking on. Then I

walked flush into the vibrations of the voices and felt an electric tingling

along my spine. We marched toward a flag-draped platform set near the front

of the arena, moving through an aisle left between rows of people in folding

chairs, then onto the platform past a number of women who stood when we

came on. With a nod Brother Jack indicated our chairs and we faced the

applause standing.

Below and above us was the audience, row after row of faces, the

arena a bowl-shaped aggregation of humanity. Then I saw the policemen and

was disturbed. What if they recognized me? They were all along the wall. I

touched the arm of the man ahead, seeing him turn, his mouth halting in a

verse of the song.

“Why all the police?” I said, leaning forward on the back of his

chair.

“Cops? Don’t worry. Tonight they’re ordered to protect us. This

meeting is of great political consequence!” he said, turning away.

Who ordered them to protect us? I thought — But now the song was

ending and the building rang with applause, yells, until the chant burst from

the rear and spread:

No more dispossessing of the dispossessed!

No more dispossessing of the dispossessed!

The audience seemed to have become one, its breathing and

articulation synchronized. I looked at Brother Jack. He stood up front beside

a microphone, his feet planted solidly on the dirty canvas-covered platform,

looking from side to side; his posture dignified and benign, like a bemused

father listening to the performance of his adoring children. I saw his hand go

up in a salute, and the audience thundered. And I seemed to move in close,

like the lens of a camera, focusing into the scene and feeling the heat and

excitement and the pounding of voice and applause against my diaphragm,

my eyes flying from face to face, swiftly, fleetingly, searching for someone I

could recognize, for someone from the old life, and seeing the faces become

vaguer and vaguer the farther they receded from the platform.

The speeches began. First an invocation by a Negro preacher; then a

woman spoke of what was happening to the children. Then came speeches on

various aspects of the economic and political situation. I listened carefully,

trying to snatch a phrase here, a word there, from the arsenal of hard,

precise terms. It was becoming a high-keyed evening. Songs flared between

speeches, chants exploded as spontaneously as shouts at a southern revival.

And I was somehow attuned to it all, could feel it physically. Sitting with my

feet on the soiled canvas I felt as though I had wandered into the percussion

section of a symphony orchestra. It worked on me so thoroughly that I soon

gave up trying to memorize phrases and simply allowed the excitement to

carry me along.

Someone pulled on my coat sleeve — my turn had come. I went

toward the microphone where Brother Jack himself waited, entering the spot

of light that surrounded me like a seamless cage of stainless steel. I halted.

The light was so strong that I could no longer see the audience, the bowl of

human faces. It was as though a semi-transparent curtain had dropped

between us, but through which they could see me — for they were applauding

— without themselves being seen. I felt the hard, mechanical isolation of the

hospital machine and I didn’t like it. I stood, barely hearing Brother Jack’s

introduction. Then he was through and there was an encouraging burst of

applause. And I thought, They remember, some of them were there.

The microphone was strange and unnerving. I approached it

incorrectly, my voice sounding raspy and full of air, and after a few words I

halted, embarrassed. I was getting off to a bad start, something had to be

done. I leaned toward the vague audience closest to the platform and said,

“Sorry, folks. Up to now they’ve kept me so far away from these shiny

electric gadgets I haven’t learned the technique . . . And to tell you the truth,

it looks to me like it might bite! Just look at it, it looks like the steel skull

of a man! Do you think he died of dispossession?”

It worked and while they laughed someone came and made an

adjustment. “Don’t stand too close,” he advised.

“How’s that?” I said, hearing my voice boom deep and vibrant over

the arena. “Is that better?”

There was a ripple of applause.

“You see, all I needed was a chance. You’ve granted it, now it’s up

to me!”

The applause grew stronger and from down front a man’s far-carrying

voice called out, “We with you, Brother. You pitch ’em we catch ’em!”

That was all I needed, I’d made a contact, and it was as though his

voice was that of them all. I was wound up, nervous. I might have been

anyone, might have been trying to speak in a foreign language. For I couldn’t

remember the correct words and phrases from the pamphlets. I had to fall

back upon tradition and since it was a political meeting, I selected one of the

political techniques that I’d heard so often at home: The old down-to-earth,

I’m-sick-and-tired-of-the-way-they’ve-been-treating-us approach. I couldn’t see

them so I addressed the microphone and the co-operative voice before me.

“You know, there are those who think we who are gathered here are

dumb,” I shouted. “Tell me if I’m right.”

“That’s a strike, Brother,” the voice called. “You pitched a strike.”

“Yes, they think we’re dumb. They call us the ‘common people.’ But

I’ve been sitting here listening and looking and trying to understand what’s so

common about us. I think they’re guilty of a gross mis-statement of fact —

we are the uncommon people –”

“Another strike,” the voice called in the thunder, and I paused

holding up my hand to halt the noise.

“Yes, we’re the uncommon people — and I’ll tell you why. They call

us dumb and they treat us dumb. And what do they do with dumb ones?

Think about it, look around! They’ve got a slogan and a policy. They’ve got

what Brother Jack would call a ‘theory and a practice.’ It’s ‘Never give a

sucker an even break!’ It’s dispossess him! Evict him! Use his empty head for

a spittoon and his back for a door mat! It’s break him! Deprive him of his

wages! It’s use his protest as a sounding brass to frighten him into silence,

it’s beat his ideas and his hopes and homely aspirations, into a tinkling

cymbal! A small, cracked cymbal to tinkle on the Fourth of July! Only muffle

it! Don’t let it sound too loud! Beat it in stoptime, give the dumb bunnies

the soft-shoe dance! The Big Wormy Apple, The Chicago Get Away, the Shoo

Fly Don’t Bother Me!

“And do you know what makes us so uncommon?” I whispered

hoarsely. “We let them do it.”

The silence was profound. The smoke boiled in the spotlight.

“Another strike,” I heard the voice call sadly. “Ain’t no use to protest

the decision!” And I thought, Is he with me or against me?

“Dispossession! Dis-possession is the word!” I went on. “They’ve tried

to dispossess us of our manhood and womanhood! Of our childhood and

adolescence — You heard the sister’s statistics on our infant mortality rate.

Don’t you know you’re lucky to be uncommonly born? Why, they even tried

to dispossess us of our dislike of being dispossessed! And I’ll tell you

something else — if we don’t resist, pretty soon they’ll succeed! These are the

days of dispossession, the season of homelessness, the time of evictions. We’ll

be dispossessed of the very brains in our heads! And we’re so uncommon

that we can’t even see it! Perhaps we’re too polite. Perhaps we don’t care to

look at unpleasantness. They think we’re blind — uncommonly blind. And I

don’t wonder. Think about it, they’ve dispossessed us each of one eye from

the day we’re born. So now we can only see in straight white lines. We’re a

nation of one-eyed mice — Did you ever see such a sight in your life? Such

an uncommon sight!”

“An’ ain’t a farmer’s wife in the house,” the voice called through the

titters of bitter laughter. “It’s another strike!”

I leaned forward. “You know, if we aren’t careful, they’ll slip up on

our blind sides and — plop! out goes our last good eye and we’re blind as

bats! Someone’s afraid we’ll see something. Maybe that’s why so many of our

fine friends are present tonight — blue steel pistols and blue serge suits and

all! — but I believe one eye is enough to lose without resistance and I think

that’s your belief. So let’s get together. Did you ever notice, my dumb

one-eyed brothers, how two totally blind men can get together and help one

another along? They stumble, they bump into things, but they avoid dangers

too; they get along. Let’s get together, uncommon people. With both our eyes

we may see what makes us so uncommon, we’ll see who makes us so

uncommon! Up to now we’ve been like a couple of one-eyed men walking

down opposite sides of the street. Someone starts throwing bricks and we

start blaming each other and fighting among ourselves. But we’re mistaken!

Because there’s a third party present. There’s a smooth, oily scoundrel

running down the middle of the wide gray street throwing stones — He’s the

one! He’s doing the damage! He claims he needs the space — he calls it his

freedom. And he knows he’s got us on our blind side and he’s been popping

away till he’s got us silly — uncommonly silly! In fact, In fact, his freedom

has got us damn-nigh blind! Hush now, don’t call no names!” I called,

holding up my palm. “I say to hell with this guy! I say come on, cross over!

Let’s make an alliance! I’ll look out for you, and you look out for me! I’m

good at catching and I’ve got a damn good pitching arm!”

“You don’t pitch no balls, Brother! Not a single one!”

“Let’s make a miracle,” I shouted. “Let’s take back our pillaged eyes!

Let’s reclaim our sight; let’s combine and spread our vision. Peep around the

corner, there’s a storm coming. Look down the avenue, there’s only one

enemy. Can’t you see his face?”

It was a natural pause and there was applause, but as it burst I

realized that the flow of words had stopped. What would I do when they

started to listen again? I leaned forward, straining to see through the barrier

of light. They were mine, out there, and I couldn’t afford to lose them. Yet I

suddenly felt naked, sensing that the words were returning and that

something was about to be said that I shouldn’t reveal.

“Look at me!” The words ripped from my solar plexus. “I haven’t

lived here long. Times are hard, I’ve known despair. I’m from the South, and

since coming here I’ve known eviction. I’d come to distrust the world . . .

But look at me now, something strange is happening. I’m here before you. I

must confess . . .”

And suddenly Brother Jack was beside me, pretending to adjust the

microphone. “Careful now,” he whispered. “Don’t end your usefulness before

you’ve begun.”

“I’m all right,” I said, leaning toward the mike.

“May I confess?” I shouted. “You are my friends. We share a

common disinheritance, and it’s said that confession is good for the soul.

Have I your permission?”

“Your batting .500, Brother,” the voice called.

There was a stir behind me. I waited until it was quiet and hurried

on.

“Silence is consent,” I said, “so I’ll have it out, I’ll confess it!” My

shoulders were squared, my chin thrust forward and my eyes focused straight

into the light. “Something strange and miraculous and transforming is taking

place in me right now . . . as I stand here before you!”

I could feel the words forming themselves, slowly falling into place.

The light seemed to boil opalescently, like liquid soap shaken gently in a

bottle.

“Let me describe it. It is something odd. It’s something that I’m sure

I’d never experience anywhere else in the world. I feel your eyes upon me. I

hear the pulse of your breathing. And now, at this moment, with your black

and white eyes upon me, I feel . . . I feel . . .”

I stumbled in a stillness so complete that I could hear the gears of

the huge clock mounted somewhere on the balcony gnawing upon time.

“What is it, son, what do you feel?” a shrill voice cried.

My voice fell to a husky whisper, “I feel, I feel suddenly that I have

become more human. Do you understand? More human. Not that I have

become a man, for I was born a man. But that I am more human. I feel

strong, I feel able to get things done! I feel that I can see sharp and clear

and far down the dim corridor of history and in it I can hear the footsteps

of militant fraternity! No, wait, let me confess . . . I feel the urge to affirm

my feelings . . . I feel that here, after a long and desperate and uncommonly

blind journey, I have come home . . . Home! With your eyes upon me I feel

that I’ve found my true family! My true people! My true country! I am a new

citizen of the country of your vision, a native of your fraternal land. I feel

that here tonight, in this old arena, the new is being born and the vital old

revived. In each of you, in me, in us all.

“SISTERS! BROTHERS!

“WE ARE THE TRUE PATRIOTS! THE CITIZENS OF TOMORROW’S

WORLD!

“WE’LL BE DISPOSSESSED NO MORE!”

The applause struck like a clap of thunder. I stood, transfixed, unable

to see, my body quivering with the roar. I made an indefinite movement.

What should I do — wave to them? I faced the shouts, cheers, shrill

whistling, my eyes burning from the light. I felt a large tear roll down my

face and I wiped it away with embarrassment. Others were starting down.

Why didn’t someone help me get out of the spot before I spoiled everything?

But with the tears came an increase of applause and I lifted my head,

surprised, my eyes streaming. The sound seemed to roar up in waves. They

had begun to stomp the floor and I was laughing and bowing my head now

unashamed. It grew in volume, the sound of splitting wood came from the

rear. I grew tired, but still they cheered until, finally, I gave up and started

back toward the chairs. Red spots danced before my eyes. Someone took my

hand, and leaned toward my ear.

“You did it, goddamnit! You did it!” And I was puzzled by the hot

mixture of hate and admiration bursting through his words as I thanked him

and removed my hand from his crushing grasp.

“Thanks,” I said, “but the others had raised them to the right pitch.”

I shuddered; he sounded as though he would like to throttle me. I

couldn’t see and there was much confusion and suddenly someone spun me

around, pulling me off balance, and I felt myself pressed against warm

feminine softness, holding on.

“Oh, Brother, Brother!” a woman’s voice cried into my ear, “Little

Brother!” and I felt the hot moist pressure of her lips upon my cheek.

Blurred figures bumped about me. I stumbled as in a game of

blindman’s buff. My hands were shaken, my back pounded. My face was

sprayed with the saliva of enthusiasm, and I decided that the next time I

stood in the spotlight it would be wise to wear dark glasses.

It was a deafening demonstration. We left them cheering, knocking

over chairs, stomping the floor. Brother Jack guided me off the platform. “It’s

time we left,” he shouted. “Things have truly begun to move. All that energy

must be organized!”

He guided me through the shouting crowd, hands continuing to touch

me as I stumbled along. Then we entered the dark passage and when we

reached the end the spots faded from my eyes and I began to see again.

Brother Jack paused at the door.

“Listen to them,” he said. “Just waiting to be told what to do!” And

I could still hear the applause booming behind us. Then several of the others

broke off their conversation and faced us, as the applause muffled down

behind the closing door.

“Well, what do you think?” Brother Jack said enthusiastically. “How’s

that for a starter?”

There was a tense silence. I looked from face to face, black and

white, feeling swift panic. They were grim.

“Well?” Brother Jack said, his voice suddenly hard.

I could hear the creaking of someone’s shoes.

“Well?” he repeated.

Then the man with the pipe spoke up, a swift charge of tension

building with his words.

“It was a most unsatisfactory beginning,” he said quietly, punctuating

the “unsatisfactory” with a stab of his pipe. He was looking straight at me

and I was puzzled. I looked at the others. Their faces were noncommittal,

stolid.

“Unsatisfactory!” Brother Jack exploded. “And what alleged process of

thought led to that brilliant pronouncement?”

“This is no time for cheap sarcasm, Brother,” the brother with the

pipe said.

“Sarcasm? You made the sarcasm. No, it isn’t a time for sarcasms

nor for imbecilities. Nor for plain damn-fooleries! This is a key moment in

the struggle, things have just begun to move — and suddenly you are

unhappy. You are afraid of success? What’s wrong? Isn’t this just what we’ve

been working for?”

“Again, ask yourself. You are the great leader. Look into your crystal

ball.”

Brother Jack swore.

“Brothers!” someone said.

Brother Jack swore and swung to another brother. “You,” he said to

the husky man. “Have you the courage to tell me what’s going on here? Have

we become a street-corner gang?”

Silence. Someone shuffled his feet. The man with the pipe was

looking now at me.

“Did I do something wrong?” I said.

“The worst you could have done,” he said coldly.

Stunned, I looked at him wordlessly.

“Never mind,” Brother Jack said, suddenly calm. “Just what is the

problem, Brother? Let’s have it out right here. Just what is your complaint?”

“Not a complaint, an opinion. If we are still allowed to express our

opinions,” the brother with the pipe said.

“Your opinion, then,” Brother Jack said.

“In my opinion the speech was wild, hysterical, politically

irresponsible and dangerous,” he snapped. “And worse than that, it was

incorrect!” He pronounced “incorrect” as though the term described the most

heinous crime imaginable, and I stared at him open-mouthed, feeling a vague

guilt.

“Soooo,” Brother Jack said, looking from face to face, “there’s been a

caucus and decisions have been made. Did you take minutes, Brother

Chairman? Have you recorded your wise disputations?”

“There was no caucus and the opinion still holds,” the brother with

the pipe said.

“No meeting, but just the same there has been a caucus and

decisions have been reached even before the event is finished.”

“But, Brother,” someone tried to intervene.

“A most brilliant, operation,” Brother Jack went on, smiling now. “A

consummate example of skilled theoretical Nijinskys leaping ahead of history.

But come down. Brothers, come down or you’ll land on your dialectics; the

stage of history hasn’t built that far. The month after next, perhaps, but not

yet. And what do you think, Brother Wrestrum?” he asked, pointing to a big

fellow of the shape and size of Supercargo.

“I think the brother’s speech was backward and reactionary!” he said.

I wanted to answer but could not. No wonder his voice had sounded

so mixed when he congratulated me. I could only stare into the broad face

with its hate-burning eyes.

“And you,” Brother Jack said.

“I liked the speech,” the man said, “I thought it was quite effective.”

“And you?” Brother Jack said to the next man.

“I am of the opinion that it was a mistake.”

“And just why?”

“Because we must strive to reach the people through their intelligence

. . .”

“Exactly,” the brother with the pipe said. “It was the antithesis of the

scientific approach. Ours is a reasonable point of view. We are champions of

a scientific approach to society, and such a speech as we’ve identified

ourselves with tonight destroys everything that has been said before. The

audience isn’t thinking, it’s yelling its head off.”

“Sure, it’s acting like a mob,” the big black brother said.

Brother Jack laughed. “And this mob,” he said, “Is it a mob against

us, or is it a mob for us — how do our muscle-bound scientists answer that?”

But before they could answer he continued, “Perhaps you’re right,

perhaps it is a mob; but if it is, then it seems to be a mob that’s simply

boiling over to come along with us. And I shouldn’t have to tell you

theoreticians that science bases its judgments upon experiment! You’re

jumping to conclusions before the experiment has run its course. In fact,

what’s happening here tonight represents only one step in the experiment.

The initial step, the release of energy. I can understand that it should make

you timid — you’re afraid of carrying through to the next step — because it’s

up to you to organize that energy. Well, it’s going to be organized and not by

a bunch of timid sideline theoreticians arguing in a vacuum, but by getting

out and leading the people!”

He was fighting mad, looking from face to face, his red head

bristling, but no one answered his challenge.

“It’s disgusting,” he said, pointing to me. “Our new brother has

succeeded by instinct where for two years your ‘science’ has failed, and now

all you can offer is destructive criticism.”

“I beg to differ,” the brother with the pipe said. “To point out the

dangerous nature of his speech isn’t destructive criticism. Far from it. Like

the rest of us, the new brother must learn to speak scientifically. He must be

trained!”

“So at last it occurs to you,” Brother Jack said, pulling down the

corners of his mouth. “Training. All is not lost. There’s hope that our wild

but effective speaker may be tamed. The scientists perceive a possibility! Very

well, it has been arranged; perhaps not scientifically but arranged

nevertheless. For the next few months our new brother is to undergo a period

of intense study and indoctrination under the guidance of Brother Hambro.

That’s right,” he said, as I started to speak. “I meant to tell you later.”

“But that’s a long time,” I said. “How am I going to live?”

“Your salary will continue,” he said. “Meanwhile, you’ll be guilty of

no further unscientific speeches to upset our brothers’ scientific tranquillity. In

fact, you are to stay completely out of Harlem. Perhaps then we’ll see if you

brothers are as swift at organizing as you are at criticizing. It’s your move,

Brothers.”

“I think Brother Jack is correct,” a short, bald man said. “And I

don’t think that we, of all people, should be afraid of the people’s

enthusiasm. What we’ve got to do is to guide it into channels where it will

do the most good.”

The rest were silent, the brother with the pipe looking at me

unbendingly.

“Come,” Brother Jack said. “Let’s get out of here. If we keep our

eyes on the real goal our chances are better than ever before. And let’s

remember that science isn’t a game of chess, although chess may be played

scientifically. The other thing to remember is that if we are to organize the

masses we must first organize ourselves. Thanks to our new brother, things

have changed; we mustn’t fail to make use of our opportunity. From now on

it’s up to you.”

“We shall see,” the brother with the pipe said. “And as for the new

brother, a few talks with Brother Hambro wouldn’t harm anyone.”

Hambro, I thought, going out, who the hell is he? I suppose I’m

lucky they didn’t fire me. So now I’ve got to go to school again.

Out in the night the group was breaking up and Brother Jack drew

me aside. “Don’t worry,” he said. “You’ll find Brother Hambro interesting, and

a period of training was inevitable. Your speech tonight was a test which you

passed with flying colors, so now you’ll be prepared for some real work.

Here’s the address; see Brother Hambro the first thing in the morning. He’s

already been notified.”

When I reached home, tiredness seemed to explode within me. My

nerves remained tense even after I had had a hot shower and crawled into

bed. In my disappointment, I wanted only to sleep, but my mind kept

wandering back to the rally. It had actually happened. I had been lucky and

had said the right things at the right time and they had liked me. Or perhaps

I had said the wrong things in the right places — whatever, they had liked it

regardless of the brothers, and from now on my life would be different. It

was different already. For now I realized that I meant everything that I had

said to the audience, even though I hadn’t known that I was going to say

those things. I had intended only to make a good appearance, to say enough

to keep the Brotherhood interested in me. What had come out was completely

uncalculated, as though another self within me had taken over and held forth.

And lucky that it had, or I might have been fired.

Even my technique had been different; no one who had known me at

college would have recognized the speech. But that was as it should have

been, for I was someone new — even though I had spoken in a very

old-fashioned way. I had been transformed, and now, lying restlessly in bed

in the dark, I felt a kind of affection for the blurred audience whose faces I

had never clearly seen. They had been with me from the first word. They had

wanted me to succeed, and fortunately I had spoken for them and they had

recognized my words. I belonged to them. I sat up, grasping my knees in the

dark as the thought struck home. Perhaps this was what was meant by being

“dedicated and set aside.” Very well, if so, I accepted it. My possibilities were

suddenly broadened. As a Brotherhood spokesman I would represent not only

my own group but one that was much larger. The audience was mixed, their

claims broader than race. I would do whatever was necessary to serve them

well. If they could take a chance with me, then I’d do the very best that I

could. How else could I save myself from disintegration?

I sat there in the dark trying to recall the sequence of the speech.

Already it seemed the expression of someone else. Yet I knew that it was

mine and mine alone, and if it was recorded by a stenographer, I would have

a look at it tomorrow.

Words, phrases skipped through my mind; I saw the blue haze again.

What had I meant by saying that I had become “more human”? Was it a

phrase that I had picked up from some preceding speaker, or a slip of the

tongue? For a moment I thought of my grandfather and quickly dismissed

him. What had an old slave to do with humanity? Perhaps it was something

that Woodridge had said in the literature class back at college. I could see

him vividly, half-drunk on words and full of contempt and exaltation, pacing

before the blackboard chalked with quotations from Joyce and Yeats and Sean

O’Casey; thin, nervous, neat, pacing as though he walked a high wire of

meaning upon which no one of us would ever dare venture. I could hear

him: “Stephen’s problem, like ours, was not actually one of creating the

uncreated conscience of his race, but of creating the uncreated features of his

face. Our task is that of making ourselves individuals. The conscience of a

race is the gift of its individuals who see, evaluate, record . . . We create the

race by creating ourselves and then to our great astonishment we will have

created something far more important: We will have created a culture. Why

waste time creating a conscience for something that doesn’t exist? For, you

see, blood and skin do not think!”

But no, it wasn’t Woodridge. “More human” . . . Did I mean that I

had become less of what I was, less a Negro, or that I was less a being

apart; less an exile from down home, the South? . . . But all this is negative.

To become less — in order to become more? Perhaps that was it, but in what

way more human? Even Woodridge hadn’t spoken of such things. It was a

mystery once more, as at the eviction I had uttered words that had possessed

me.

I thought of Bledsoe and Norton and what they had done. By kicking

me into the dark they’d made me see the possibility of achieving something

greater and more important than I’d ever dreamed. Here was a way that

didn’t lead through the back door, a way not limited by black and white, but

a way which, if one lived long enough and worked hard enough, could lead

to the highest possible rewards. Here was a way to have a part in making

the big decisions, of seeing through the mystery of how the country, the

world, really operated. For the first time, lying there in the dark, I could

glimpse the possibility of being more than a member of a race. It was no

dream, the possibility existed. I had only to work and learn and survive in

order to go to the top. Sure I’d study with Hambro, I’d learn what he had to

teach and a lot more. Let tomorrow come. The sooner I was through with

this Hambro, the sooner I could get started with my work.

Chapter 17

Four months later when Brother Jack called the apartment at

midnight to tell me to be prepared to take a ride I became quite excited.

Fortunately, I was awake and dressed, and when he drove up a few minutes

later I was waiting expectantly at the curb. Maybe, I thought, as I saw him

hunched behind the wheel in his topcoat, this is what I’ve been waiting for.

“How have you been, Brother?” I said, getting in.

“A little tired,” he said. “Not enough sleep, too many problems.”

Then, as he got the car under way, he became silent, and I decided

not to ask any questions. That was one thing I had learned thoroughly. There

must be something doing at the Chthonian, I thought, watching him staring

at the road as though lost in thought. Maybe the brothers are waiting to put

me through my paces. If so, fine; I’ve been waiting for an examination . . .

But instead of going to the Chthonian I looked out to discover that

he had brought me to Harlem and was parking the car.

“We’ll have a drink,” he said, getting out and heading for where the

neon-lighted sign of a bull’s head announced the El Toro Bar.

I was disappointed. I wanted no drink; I wanted to take the next

step that lay between me and an assignment. I followed him inside with a

surge of irritation.

The barroom was warm and quiet. The usual rows of bottles with

exotic names were lined on the shelves, and in the rear, where four men

argued in Spanish over glasses of beer, a juke box, lit up green and red,

played “Media Luz.” And as we waited for the bartender, I tried to figure the

purpose of the trip.

I had seen very little of Brother Jack after beginning my studies with

Brother Hambro. My life had been too tightly organized. But I should have

known that if anything was going to happen, Brother Hambro would have let

me know. Instead, I was to meet him in the morning as usual. That Hambro,

I thought, is he a fanatic teacher! A tall, friendly man, a lawyer and the

Brotherhood’s chief theoretician, he had proved to be a hard taskmaster.

Between daily discussions with him and a rigid schedule of reading, I had

been working harder than I’d ever found necessary at college. Even my nights

were organized; every evening found me at some rally or meeting in one of

the many districts (though this was my first trip to Harlem since my speech)

where I’d sit on the platform with the speakers, making notes to be discussed

with him the next day. Every occasion became a study situation, even the

parties that sometimes followed the meetings. During these I had to make

mental notes on the ideological attitudes revealed in the guests’ conversations.

But I had soon learned the method in it: Not only had I been learning the

many aspects of the Brotherhood’s policy and its approach to various social

groupings, but the city-wide membership had grown familiar with me. My

part in the eviction was kept very much alive, and although I was under

orders to make no speeches, I had grown accustomed to being introduced as

a kind of hero.

Yet it had been mainly a time for listening and, being a talker, I had

grown impatient. Now I knew most of the Brotherhood arguments so well —

those I doubted as well as those I believed — that I could repeat them in my

sleep, but nothing had been said about my assignment. Thus I had hoped the

midnight call meant some kind of action was to begin . . .

Beside me, Brother Jack was still lost in thought. He seemed in no

hurry to go elsewhere or to talk, and as the slow-motion bartender mixed our

drinks I puzzled vainly as to why he had brought me here. Before me, in the

panel where a mirror is usually placed, I could see a scene from a bullfight,

the bull charging close to the man and the man swinging the red cape in

sculptured folds so close to his body that man and bull seemed to blend in

one swirl of calm, pure motion. Pure grace, I thought, looking above the bar

to where, larger than life, the pink and white image of a girl smiled down

from a summery beer ad on which a calendar said April One. Then, as our

drinks were placed before us, Brother Jack came alive, his mood changing as

though in the instant he had settled whatever had been bothering him and

felt suddenly free.

“Here, come back,” he said, nudging me playfully. “She’s only a

cardboard image of a cold steel civilization.”

I laughed, glad to hear him joking. “And that?” I said, pointing to

the bullfight scene.

“Sheer barbarism,” he said, watching the bartender and lowering his

voice to a whisper. “But tell me, how have you found your work with Brother

Hambro?”

“Oh, fine,” I said. “He’s strict, but if I’d had teachers like him in

college, I’d know a few things. He’s taught me a lot, but whether enough to

satisfy the brothers who disliked my arena speech, I don’t know. Shall we

converse scientifically?”

He laughed, one of his eyes glowing brighter than the other. “Don’t

worry about the brothers,” he said. “You’ll do very well. Brother Hambro’s

reports on you have been excellent.”

“Now, that’s nice to hear,” I.said, aware now of another bullfight

scene further down the bar in which the matador was being swept skyward

on the black bull’s horns. “I’ve worked pretty hard trying to master the

ideology.”

“Master it,” Brother Jack said, “but don’t overdo it. Don’t let it

master you. There is nothing to put the people to sleep like dry ideology. The

ideal is to strike a medium between ideology and inspiration. Say what the

people want to hear, but say it in such a way that they’ll do what we wish.”

He laughed. “Remember too, that theory always comes after practice. Act first,

theorize later; that’s also a formula, a devastatingly effective one!”

He looked at me as though he did not see me and I could not tell

whether he was laughing at me or with me. I was sure only that he was

laughing.

“Yes,” I said, “I’ll try to master all that is required.”

“You can,” he said. “And now you don’t have to worry about the

brothers’ criticism. Just throw some ideology back at them and they’ll leave

you alone — provided, of course, that you have the right backing and produce

the required results. Another drink?”

“Thanks, I’ve had enough.”

“Are you sure?”

“Sure.”

“Good. Now to your assignment: Tomorrow you are to become chief

spokesman of the Harlem District . . .”

“What!”

“Yes. The committee decided yesterday.”

“But I had no idea.”

“You’ll do all right. Now listen. You are to continue what you started

at the eviction. Keep them stirred up. Get them active. Get as many to join

as possible. You’ll be given guidance by some of the older members, but for

the time being you are to see what you can do. You will have freedom of

action — and you will be under strict discipline to the committee.”

“I see,” I said.

“No, you don’t quite see,” he said, “but you will. You must not

underestimate the discipline, Brother. It makes you answerable to the entire

organization for what you do. Don’t underestimate the discipline. It is very

strict, but within its framework you are to have full freedom to do your work.

And your work is very important. Understand?” His eyes seemed to crowd my

face as I nodded yes. “We’d better go now so that you can get some sleep,”

he said, draining his glass. “You’re a soldier now, your health belongs to the

organization.”

“I’ll be ready,” I said.

“I know you will. Until tomorrow then. You’ll meet with the executive

committee of the Harlem section at nine A.M. You know the location of

course?”

“No, Brother, I don’t.”

“Oh? That’s right — then you’d better come up with me for a minute.

I have to see someone there and you can take a look at where you’ll work.

I’ll drop you off on the way down,” he said.

THE district offices were located in a converted church structure, the

main floor of which was occupied by a pawn shop, its window crammed with

loot that gleamed dully in the darkened street. We took a stair to the third

floor, entering a large room beneath a high Gothic ceiling.

“It’s down here,” Brother Jack said, making for the end of the large

room where I saw a row of smaller ones, only one of which was lighted. And

now I saw a man appear in the door and limp forward.

“Evening, Brother Jack,” he said.

“Why, Brother Tarp, I expected to find Brother Tobitt.”

“I know. He was here but he had to leave,” the man said. “He left

this envelope for you and said he’d call you later on tonight.”

“Good, good,” Brother Jack said. “Here, meet a new brother . . .”

“Pleased to meet you,” the brother said, smiling. “I heard you speak

at the arena. You really told ’em.”

“Thanks,” I said.

“So you liked it, did you, Brother Tarp?” Brother Jack said.

“The boy’s all right with me,” the man said.

“Well, you’re going to see a lot of him, he’s your new spokesman.”

“That’s fine,” the man said. “Looks like we’re going to get some

changes made.”

“Correct,” Brother Jack said. “Now let’s take a look at his office and

we’ll be going.”

“Sure, Brother,” Tarp said, limping before me into one of the dark

rooms and snapping on a light. “This here is the one.”

I looked into a small office, containing a flat-top desk with a

telephone, a typewriter on its table, a bookcase with shelves of books and

pamphlets, and a huge map of the world inscribed with ancient nautical signs

and a heroic figure of Columbus to one side.

“If there’s anything you need, just see Brother Tarp,” Brother Jack

said. “He’s here at all times.”

“Thanks, I shall,” I said. “I’ll get oriented in the morning.”

“Yes, and we’d better go so you can get some sleep. Good night,

Brother Tarp. See that everything is ready for him in the morning.”

“He won’t have to worry about a thing, Brother. Good night.”

“It’s because we attract men like Brother Tarp there that we shall

triumph,” he said as we climbed into the car. “He’s old physically, but

ideologically he’s a vigorous young man. He can be depended upon in the

most precarious circumstance.”

“He sounds like a good man to have around,” I said.

“You’ll see,” he said and lapsed into a silence that lasted until we

reached my door.

THE committee was assembled in the hall with the high Gothic

ceiling when I arrived, sitting in folding chairs around two small tables

pushed together to form a unit.

“Well,” Brother Jack said, “you are on time. Very good, we favor

precision in our leaders.”

“Brother, I shall always try to be on time,” I said.

“Here he is, Brothers and Sisters,” he said, “your new spokesman.

Now to begin. Are we all present?”

“All except Brother Tod Clifton,” someone said.

His red head jerked with surprise. “So?”

“He’ll be here,” a young brother said. “We were working until three

this morning.”

“Still, he should be on time — Very well,” Brother Jack said, taking

out a watch, “let us begin. I have only a little time here, but a little time is

all that is needed. You all know the events of the recent period, and the role

our new brother has played in them. Briefly, you are here to see that it isn’t

wasted. We must achieve two things: We must plan methods of increasing the

effectiveness of our agitation, and we must organize the energy that has

already been released. This calls for a rapid increase of membership. The

people are fully aroused; if we fail to lead them into action, they will become

passive, or they will become cynical. Thus it is necessary that we strike

immediately and strike hard!

“For this purpose,” he said, nodding toward me, “our brother has

been appointed district spokesman. You are to give him your loyal support

and regard him as the new instrument of the committee’s authority . . .”

I heard the slight applause splatter up — only to halt with the

opening of the door, and I looked down past the rows of chairs to where a

hatless young man about my own age was coming into the hall. He wore a

heavy sweater and slacks, and as the others looked up I heard the quick

intake of a woman’s pleasurable sigh. Then the young man was moving with

an easy Negro stride out of the shadow into the light, and I saw that he was

very black and very handsome, and as he advanced mid-distance into the

room, that he possessed the chiseled, black-marble features sometimes found

on statues in northern museums and alive in southern towns in which the

white offspring of house children and the black offspring of yard children

bear names, features and character traits as identical as the rifling of bullets

fired from a common barrel. And now close up, leaning tall and relaxed, his

arms outstretched stiffly upon the table, I saw the broad, taut span of his

knuckles upon the dark grain of the wood, the muscular, sweatered arms, the

curving line of the chest rising to the easy pulsing of his throat, to the

square, smooth chin, and saw a small X-shaped patch of adhesive upon the

subtly blended, velvet-over-stone, granite-over-bone, Afro-Anglo-Saxon contour

of his cheek.

He leaned there, looking at us all with a remote aloofness in which I

sensed an unstated questioning beneath a friendly charm. Sensing a possible

rival, I watched him warily, wondering who he was.

“Ah so, Brother Tod Clifton is late,” Brother Jack said. “Our leader of

the youth is late. Why is this?”

The young man pointed to his cheek and smiled. “I had to see the

doctor,” he said.

“What is this?” Brother Jack said, looking at the cross of adhesive on

the black skin.

“Just a little encounter with the nationalists. With Ras the Exhorter’s

boys,” Brother Clifton said. And I heard a gasp from one of the women who

gazed at him with shining, compassionate eyes.

Brother Jack gave me a quick look. “Brother, you have heard of Ras?

He is the wild man who calls himself a black nationalist.”

“I don’t recall so,” I said.

“You’ll hear of him soon enough. Sit down, Brother Clifton; sit down.

You must be careful. You are valuable to the organization, you must not take

chances.”

“This was unavoidable,” the young man said.

“Just the same,” Brother Jack said, returning to the discussion with a

call for ideas.

“Brother, are we still to fight against evictions?” I said.

“It has become a leading issue, thanks to you.”

“Then why not step up the fight?”

He studied my face. “What do you suggest?”

“Well, since it has attracted so much attention, why not try to reach

the whole community with the issue?”

“And how would you suggest we go about it?”

“I suggest we get the community leaders on record in support of us.”

“There are certain difficulties in face of this,” Brother Jack said.

“Most of the leaders are against us.”

“But I think he’s got something there,” Brother Clifton said. “What if

we got them to support the issue whether they like us or not? The issue is a

community issue, it’s non-partisan.”

“Sure,” I said, “that’s how it looks to me. With all the excitement

over evictions they can’t afford to come out against us, not without appearing

to be against the best interests of the community . . .”

“So we have them across a barrel,” Clifton said.

“That is perceptive enough,” Brother Jack said.

The others agreed.

“You see,” Brother Jack said with a grin, “we’ve always avoided these

leaders, but the moment we start to advance on a broad front, sectarianism

becomes a burden to be cast off. Any other suggestions?” He looked around.

“Brother,” I said, remembering now, “when I first came to Harlem

one of the first things that impressed me was a man making a speech from a

ladder. He spoke very violently and with an accent, but he had an

enthusiastic audience . . . Why can’t we carry our program to the street in

the same way?”

“So you have met him,” he said, suddenly grinning. “Well, Ras the

Exhorter has had a monopoly in Harlem. But now that we are larger we

might give it a try. What the committee wants is results!”

So that was Ras the Exhorter, I thought.

“We’ll have trouble with the Extortor — I mean the Exhorter,” a big

woman said. “His hoodlums would attack and denounce the white meat of a

roasted chicken.”

We laughed.

“He goes wild when he sees black people and white people together,”

she said to me.

“We’ll take care of that,” Brother Clifton said, touching his cheek.

“Very well, but no violence,” Brother Jack said. “The Brotherhood is

against violence and terror and provocation of any kind — aggressive, that is.

Understand, Brother Clifton?”

“I understand,” he said.

“We will not countenance any aggressive violence. Understand? Nor

attacks upon officials or others who do not attack us. We are against all

forms of violence, do you understand?”

“Yes, Brother,” I said.

“Very well, having made this clear I leave you now,” he said. “See

what you can accomplish. You’ll have plenty support from other districts and

all the guidance you need. Meanwhile, remember that we are all under

discipline.”

He left and we divided the labor. I suggested that each work in the

area he knew best. Since there was no liaison between the Brotherhood and

the community leaders I assigned myself the task of creating one. It was

decided that our street meetings begin immediately and that Brother Tod

Clifton was to return and go over the details with me.

While the discussion continued I studied their faces. They seemed

absorbed with the cause and in complete agreement, blacks and whites. But

when I tried to place them as to type I got nowhere. The big woman who

looked like a southern “sudsbuster” was in charge of women’s work, and

spoke in abstract, ideological terms. The shy-looking man with the liver

splotches on his neck spoke with a bold directness and eagerness for action.

And this Brother Tod Clifton, the youth leader, looked somehow like a

hipster, a zoot suiter, a sharpie — except his head of Persian lamb’s wool had

never known a straightener. I could place none of them. They seemed familiar

but were just as different as Brother Jack and the other whites were from all

the white men I had known. They were all transformed, like familiar people

seen in a dream. Well, I thought, I’m different too, and they’ll see it when

the talk is finished and the action begins. I’ll just have to be careful not to

antagonize anyone. As it is, someone might resent my being placed in charge.

But when Brother Tod Clifton came into my office to discuss the

street meeting I saw no signs of resentment, but a complete absorption in the

strategy of the meeting. With great care he went about instructing me how to

deal with hecklers, on what to do if we were attacked, and upon how to

recognize our own members from the rest of the crowd. For all his seeming

zoot-suiter characteristics his speech was precise and I had no doubt that he

knew his business.

“How do you think we’ll do?” I said when he had finished.

“It’ll go big, man,” he said. “It’ll be bigger than anything since

Garvey.”

“I wish I could be so sure,” I said. “I never saw Garvey.”

“I didn’t either,” he said, “but I understand that in Harlem he was

very big.”

“Well, we’re not Garvey, and he didn’t last.”

“No, but he must have had something,” he said with sudden passion.

“He must have had something to move all those people! Our people are hell

to move. He must have had plenty!”

I looked at him. His eyes were turned inward; then he smiled. “Don’t

worry,” he said. “We have a scientific plan and you set them off. Things are

so bad they’ll listen, and when they listen they’ll go along.”

“I hope so,” I said.

“They will. You haven’t been around the movement as I have, for

three years now, and I can feel the change. They’re ready to move.”

“I hope your feelings are right,” I said.

“They’re right, all right,” he said. “All we have to do is gather them

in.”

THE evening was almost of a winter coldness, the corner well lighted

and the all-Negro crowd large and tightly packed. Up on the ladder now I

was surrounded by a group of Clifton’s youth division, and I could see,

beyond their backs with upturned collars, the faces of the doubtful, the

curious and the convinced in the crowd. It was early and I threw my voice

hard down against the traffic sounds, feeling the damp coldness of the air

upon my cheeks and hands as my voice warmed with my emotion. I had just

begun to feel the pulsing set up between myself and the people, hearing them

answering in staccato applause and agreement when Tod Clifton caught my

eye, pointing. And over the heads of the crowd and down past the dark

storefronts and blinking neon signs I saw a bristling band of about twenty

men quick-stepping forward. I looked down.

“It’s trouble, keep talking,” Clifton said. “Give the boys the signal.”

“My Brothers, the time has come for action,” I shouted. And now I

saw the youth members and some older men move around to the back of the

crowd, and up to meet the advancing group. Then something sailed up out of

the dark and landed hard against my forehead, and I felt the crowd surge in

close, sending the ladder moving backwards, and I was like a man tottering

above a crowd on stilts, then dropping backwards into the street and clear,

hearing the ladder clatter down. They were milling in a panic now, and I saw

Clifton beside me. “It’s Ras the Exhorter,” he yelled. “Can you use your

hands?”

“I can use my fists!” I was annoyed.

“Well, all right then. Here’s your chance. Come on, let’s see you

duke!”

He moved forward and seemed to dive into the whirling crowd, and

I beside him, seeing them scatter into doorways and pound off in the dark.

“There’s Ras, over there,” Clifton cried. And I heard the sound of

breaking glass and the street went dark. Someone had knocked out the light,

and through the dimness I saw Clifton heading to where a red neon sign

glowed in a dark window as something went past my head. Then a man ran

up with a length of pipe and I saw Clifton close with him, ducking down and

working in close and grabbing the man’s wrist and twisting suddenly like a

soldier executing an about-face so that now he faced me, the back of the

man’s elbow rigid across his shoulder and the man rising on tiptoe and

screaming as Clifton straightened smoothly and levered down on the arm.

I heard a dry popping sound and saw the man sag, and the pipe

rang upon the walk; then someone caught me hard in the stomach and

suddenly I knew that I was fighting too. I went to my knees and rolled and

pulled erect, facing him. “Get up, Uncle Tom,” he said, and I clipped him. He

had his hands and I had mine and the match was even but he was not so

lucky. He wasn’t down and he wasn’t out, but I caught him two good ones

and he decided to fight elsewhere. When he turned I tripped him and moved

away.

The fight was moving back into the dark where the street lights had

been knocked out clear to the corner, and it was quiet except for the

grunting and straining and the sound of footfalls and of blows. It was

confusing in the dark and I couldn’t tell ours from theirs and moved

cautiously, trying to see. Someone up the street in the dark yelled, “Break it

up! Break it up!” and I thought, Cops, and looked around for Clifton. The

neon sign glowed mysteriously and there was a lot of running and cursing,

and now I saw him working skillfully in a store lobby before a red CHECKS

CASHED HERE sign and I hurried over, hearing objects sailing past my head

and the crash of glass. Clifton’s arms were moving in short, accurate jabs

against the head and stomach of Ras the Exhorter, punching swiftly and

scientifically, careful not to knock him into the window or strike the glass

with his fists, working Ras between rights and lefts jabbed so fast that he

rocked like a drunken bull, from side to side. And as I came up Ras tried to

bull his way out and I saw Clifton drive him back and down into a squat, his

hands upon the dark floor of the lobby, his heels back against the door like a

runner against starting blocks. And now, shooting forward, he caught Clifton

coming in, butting him, and I heard the burst of breath and Clifton was on

his back and something flashed in Ras’s hand and he came forward, a short,

heavy figure as wide as the lobby now with the knife, moving deliberately. I

spun, looking for the length of pipe, diving for it and crawling on hands and

knees and here, here — and coming up to see Ras reach down, getting one

hand into Clifton’s collar, the knife in the other, looking down at Clifton and

panting, bull-angry. I froze, seeing him draw back the knife and stop it in

mid-air; draw back and stop, cursing; then draw back and stop again, all very

quickly, beginning to cry now and talking rapidly at the same time; and me

easing slowly forward.

“Mahn,” Ras blurted, “I ought to kill you. Godahm, I ought to kill

you and the world be better off. But you black, mahn. Why you be black,

mahn? I swear I ought to kill you. No mahn strike the Exhorter, godahmit,

no mahn!”

I saw him raise the knife again and now as he lowered it unused he

pushed Clifton into the street and stood over him, sobbing.

“Why you with these white folks? Why? I been watching you a long

time. I say to myself, ‘Soon he get smart and get tired. He get out of that

t’ing.’ Why a good boy like you still with them?”

Still moving forward, I saw his face gleam with red angry tears as he

stood above Clifton with the still innocent knife and the tears red in the glow

of the window sign.

“You my brother, mahn. Brothers are the same color; how the hell

you call these white men brother? Shit, mahn. That’s shit! Brothers the same

color. We sons of Mama Africa, you done forgot? You black, BLACK! You —

Godahm, mahn!” he said, swinging the knife for emphasis. “You got bahd

hair! You got thick lips! They say you stink! They hate you, mahn. You

Afrian. AFRICAN! Why you with them? Leave that shit, mahn. They sell you

out. That shit is old-fashioned. They enslave us — you forget that? How can

they mean a black mahn any good? How they going to be your brother?”

I had reached him now and brought the pipe down hard, seeing the

knife fly off into the’ dark as he grabbed his wrist, and I raised the pipe

again, suddenly hot with fear and hate, as he looked at me out of his narrow

little eyes, standing his ground.

“And you, mahn,” the Exhorter said, “a reg’lar little black devil! A

godahm sly mongoose! Where you think you from, going with the white folks?

I know, godahm; don’t I know it! You from down South! You from Trinidad!

You from Barbados! Jamaica, South Africa, and the white mahn’s foot in your

ass all the way to the hip. What you trying to deny by betraying the black

people? Why you fight against us? You young fellows. You young black men

with plenty education; I been hearing your rabble rousing. Why you go over

to the enslaver? What kind of education is that? What kind of black mahn is

that who betray his own mama?”

“Shut up,” Clifton said, leaping to his feet. “Shut up!”

“Hell, no,” Ras cried, wiping his eyes with his fists. “I talk! Bust me

with the pipe but, by God, you listen to the Exhorter! Come in with us,

mahn. We build a glorious movement of black people. Black People! What

they do, give you money? Who wahnt the dahm stuff? Their money bleed

black blood, mahn. It’s unclean! Taking their money is shit, mahn. Money

without dignity — That’s bahd shit!”

Clifton lunged toward him. I held him, shaking my head. “Come on,

the man’s crazy,” I said, pulling on his arm.

Ras struck his thighs with his fists. “Me crazy, mahn? You call me

crazy? Look at you two and look at me — is this sanity? Standing here in

three shades of blackness! Three black men fighting in the street because of

the white enslaver? Is that sanity? Is that consciousness, scientific

understahnding? Is that the modern black mahn of the twentieth century?

Hell, mahn! Is it self-respect — black against black? What they give you to

betray — their women? You fall for that?”

“Let’s go,” I said, listening and remembering and suddenly alive in

the dark with the horror of the battle royal, but Clifton looked at Ras with a

tight, fascinated expression, pulling away from me.

“Let’s go,” I repeated. He stood there, looking.

“Sure, you go,” Ras said, “but not him. You contahminated but he

the real black mahn. In Africa this mahn be a chief, a black king! Here they

say he rape them godahm women with no blood in their veins. I bet this

mahn can’t beat them off with baseball bat — shit! What kind of foolishness

is it? Kick him ass from cradle to grave then call him brother? Does it make

mahthematics? Is it logic? Look at him, mahn; open your eyes,” he said to

me. “I look like that I rock the blahsted world! They know about me in

Japan, India — all the colored countries. Youth! Intelligence! The mahn’s a

natural prince! Where is your eyes? Where your self-respect? Working for

them dahm people? Their days is numbered, the time is almost here and you

fooling ’round like this was the nineteenth century. I don’t understahnd you.

Am I ignorant? Answer me, mahn!”

“Yes,” Clifton burst out. “Hell, yes!”

“You t’ink I’m crazy, is it c’ase I speak bahd English? Hell, it ain’t

my mama tongue, mahn, I’m African! You really t’ink I’m crazy?”

“Yes, yes!”

“You believe that?” said Ras. “What they do to you, black mahn?

Give you them stinking women?”

Clifton lunged again, and again I grabbed him; and again Ras held

his ground, his head glowing red.

“Women? Godahm, mahn! Is that equality? Is that the black mahn’s

freedom? A pat on the back and a piece of cunt without no passion?

Maggots! They buy you that blahsted cheap, mahn? What they do to my

people! Where is your brains? These women dregs, mahn! They bilge water!

You know the high-class white mahn hates the black mahn, that’s simple. So

now he use the dregs and wahnt you black young men to do his dirty work.

They betray you and you betray the black people. They tricking you, mahn.

Let them fight among themselves. Let ’em kill off one another. We organize —

organization is good — but we organize black. BLACK! To hell with that son

of a bitch! He take one them strumpets and tell the black mahn his freedom

lie between her skinny legs — while that son of a gun, he take all the power

and the capital and don’t leave the black mahn not’ing. The good white

women he tell the black mahn is a rapist and keep them locked up and

ignorant while he makes the black mahn a race of bahstards.

“When the black mahn going to tire of this childish perfidity? He got

you so you don’t trust your black intelligence? You young, don’t play you’self

cheap, mahn. Don’t deny you’self! It took a billion gallons of black blood to

make you. Recognize you’self inside and you wan the kings among men! A

mahn knows he’s a mahn when he got not’ing, when he’s naked — nobody

have to tell him that. You six foot tall, mahn. You young and intelligent. You

black and beautiful — don’t let ’em tell you different! You wasn’t them t’ings

you be dead, mahn. Dead! I’d have killed you, mahn. Ras the Exhorter raised

up his knife and tried to do it, but he could not do it. Why don’t you do it?

I ask myself. I will do it now, I say; but somet’ing tell me, ‘No, no! You

might be killing your black king!’ And I say, yas, yas! So I accept your

humiliating ahction. Ras recognized your black possibilities, mahn. Ras would

not sahcrifice his black brother to the white enslaver. Instead he cry. Ras is a

mahn — no white mahn have to tell him that — and Ras cry. So why don’t

you recognize your black duty, mahn, and come jine us?”

His chest was heaving and a note of pleading had come into the

harsh voice. He was an exhorter, all right, and I was caught in the crude,

insane eloquence of his plea. He stood there, awaiting an answer. And

suddenly a big transport plane came low over the buildings and I looked up

to see the firing of its engine, and we were all three silent, watching.

Suddenly the Exhorter shook his fist toward the plane and yelled,

“Hell with him, some day we have them too! Hell with him!”

He stood there, shaking his fist as the plane rattled the buildings in

its powerful flight. Then it was gone and I looked about the unreal street.

They were fighting far up the block in the dark now and we were alone. I

looked at the Exhorter. I didn’t know if I was angry or amazed.

“Look,” I said, shaking my head, “let’s talk sense. From now on we’ll

be on the street corners every night and we’ll be prepared for trouble. We

don’t want it, especially with you, but we won’t run either . . .”

“Goddam, mahn,” he said, leaping forward, “this is Harlem. This is

my territory, the black mahn’s territory. You think we let white folks come in

and spread their poison? Let ’em come in like they come and take over the

numbers racket? Like they have all the stores? Talk sense, mahn, if you

talking to Ras, talk sense!”

“This is sense,” I said, “and you listen as we listened to you. We’ll

be out here every night, understand. We’ll be out here and the next time you

go after one of our brothers with a knife — and I mean white or black —

well, we won’t forget it.”

He shook his head, “Nor will I forget you either, mahn.”

“Don’t. I don’t want you to; because if you forget there’ll be trouble.

You’re mistaken, don’t you see you’re outnumbered? You need allies to win . .

.”

“That there is sense. Black allies. Yellow and brown allies!”

“All men who want a brotherly world,” I said.

“Don’t be stupid, mahn. They white, they don’t have to be allies with

no black people. They get what they wahnt, they turn against you. Where’s

your black intelligence?”

“Thinking like that will get you lost in the backwash of history,” I

said. “Start thinking with your mind and not your emotions.”

He shook his head vehemently, looking at Clifton.

“This black mahn talking to me about brains and thinking. I ask

both of you, are you awake or sleeping? What is your pahst and where are

you going? Never mind, take your corrupt ideology and eat out your own guts

like a laughing hyena. You are nowhere, mahn. Nowhere! Ras is not ignorant,

nor is Ras afraid. No! Ras, he be here black and fighting for the liberty of

the black people when the white folks have got what they wahnt and done

gone off laughing in your face and you stinking and choked up with white

maggots.”

He spat angrily into the dark street. It flew pink in the red glow.

“That’ll be all right with me,” I said. “Only remember what I said.

Come on, Brother Clifton. This man’s full of pus, black pus.”

We started away, a piece of glass crunching under my foot.

“Maybe so,” Ras said, “but I ahm no fool! I ahm no black educated

fool who t’inks everything between black mahn and white mahn can be

settled with some blahsted lies in some bloody books written by the white

mahn in the first place. It’s three hundred years of black blood to build this

white mahn’s civilization and wahn’t be wiped out in a minute. Blood calls

for blood! You remember that. And remember that I am not like you. Ras

recognizes the true issues and he is not afraid to be black. Nor is he a

traitor for white men. Remember that: I am no black traitor to the black

people for the white people.”

And before I could answer Clifton spun in the dark and there was a

crack and I saw Ras go down and Clifton breathing hard and Ras lying there

in the street, a thick, black man with red tears on his face that caught the

reflection of the CHECKS CASHED HERE sign.

And again, as Clifton looked gravely down he seemed to ask a silent

question.

“Let’s go,” I said. “Let’s go!”

We started away as the screams of sirens sounded, Clifton cursing

quietly to himself.

Then we were out of the dark onto a busy street and he turned to

me. There were tears in his eyes.

“That poor, misguided son of a bitch,” he said.

“He thinks a lot of you, too,” I said. I was glad to be out of the

dark and away from that exhorting voice.

“The man’s crazy,” Clifton said. “It’ll run you crazy if you let it.”

“Where’d he get that name?” I said.

“He gave it to himself. I guess he did. Ras is a title of respect in the

East. It’s a wonder he didn’t say something about ‘Ethiopia stretching forth

her wings,’ ” he said, mimicking Ras. “He makes it sound like the hood of a

cobra fluttering . . . I don’t know . . . I don’t know . . .”

“We’ll have to watch him now,” I said.

“Yes, we’d better,” he said. “He won’t stop fighting . . . And thanks

for getting rid of his knife.”

“You didn’t have to worry,” I said. “He wouldn’t kill his king.”

He turned and looked at me as though he thought I might mean it;

then he smiled.

“For a while there I thought I was gone,” he said.

As we headed for the district office I wondered what Brother Jack

would say about the fight.

“We’ll have to overpower him with organization,” I said.

“We’ll do that, all right. But it’s on the inside that Ras is strong,”

Clifton said. “On the inside he’s dangerous.”

“He won’t get on the inside,” I said. “He’d consider himself a traitor.”

“No,” Clifton said, “he won’t get on the inside. Did you hear how he

was talking? Did you hear what he was saying?”

“I heard him, sure,” I said.

“I don’t know,” he said. “I suppose sometimes a man has to plunge

outside history . . .”

“What?”

“Plunge outside, turn his back . . . Otherwise he might kill

somebody, go nuts.”

I didn’t answer. Maybe he’s right, I thought, and was suddenly very

glad I had found Brotherhood.

THE next morning it rained and I reached the district before the

others arrived and stood looking through the window of my office, past the

jutting wall of a building, and on beyond the monotonous pattern of its

bricks and mortar I saw a row of trees rising tall and graceful in the rain.

One tree grew close by and I could see the rain streaking its bark and its

sticky buds. Trees were rowed the length of the long block beyond me, rising

tall in dripping wetness above a series of cluttered backyards. And it occurred

to me that cleared of its ramshackle fences and planted with flowers and

grass, it might form a pleasant park. And just then a paper bag sailed from a

window to my left and burst like a silent grenade, scattering garbage into the

trees and pancaking to earth with a soggy, exhausted plop! I started with

disgust, then thought, The sun will shine in those backyards some day. A

community clean-up campaign might be worthwhile for a slack season, at

that. Everything couldn’t possibly be as exciting as last night.

Turning back to my desk I sat facing the map now as Brother Tarp

appeared.

“Morning, son, I see you already on the job,” he said.

“Good morning. I have so much to do that I thought I’d better get

started early,” I said.

“You’ll do all right,” he said. “But I didn’t come in here to take up

your time, I want to put something on the wall.”

“Go right ahead. Can I give you a hand?”

“No, I can make it all right,” he said, clambering with his lame leg

upon a chair that sat beneath the map and hanging a frame from the ceiling

molding, straightening it carefully, and getting down to come over beside my

desk.

“Son, you know who that is?”

“Why, yes,” I said, “it’s Frederick Douglass.”

“Yessir, that’s just who it is. You know much about him?”

“Not much. My grandfather used to tell me about him though.”

“That’s enough. He was a great man. You just take a look at him

once in a while. You have everything you need — paper and stuff like that?”

“Yes, I have, Brother Tarp. And thanks for the portrait of Douglass.”

“Don’t thank me, son,” he said from the door. “He belongs to all of

us.”

I sat now facing the portrait of Frederick Douglass, feeling a sudden

piety, remembering and refusing to hear the echoes of my grandfather’s voice.

Then I picked up the telephone and began calling the community leaders.

They fell in line like prisoners: preachers, politicians, various

professionals, proving Clifton correct. The eviction fight was such a dramatic

issue that most of the leaders feared that their followers would have rallied to

us without them. I slighted no one, no matter how unimportant; bigshots,

doctors, real-estate men and store-front preachers. And it went so fast and

smoothly that it seemed not to happen to me but to someone who actually

bore my new name. I almost laughed into the phone when I heard the

director of Men’s House address me with profound respect. My new name

was getting around. It’s very strange, I thought, but things are so unreal for

them normally that they believe that to call a thing by name is to make it

so. And yet I am what they think I am . . .

OUR work went so well that a few Sundays later we threw a parade

that clinched our hold on the community. We worked feverishly. And now the

clashing and conflict of my last days at Mary’s seemed to have moved out

into the struggles of the community, leaving me inwardly calm and controlled.

Even the hustle and bustle of picketing and speechmaking seemed to

stimulate me for the better; my wildest ideas paid off.

Upon hearing that one of the unemployed brothers was an ex-drill

master from Wichita, Kansas, I organized a drill team of six-footers whose

duty it was to march through the streets striking up sparks with their

hobnailed shoes. On the day of the parade they drew crowds faster than a

dogfight on a country road. The People’s Hot Foot Squad, we called them,

and when they drilled fancy formations down Seventh Avenue in the

springtime dusk they set the streets ablaze. The community laughed and

cheered and the police were dumfounded. But the sheer corn of it got them

and the Hot Foot Squad went shuffling along. Then came the flags and

banners and the cards bearing slogans; and the squad of drum majorettes, the

best-looking girls we could find, who pranced and twirled and just plain

girled in the enthusiastic interest of Brotherhood. We pulled fifteen thousand

Harlemites into the street behind our slogans and marched down Broadway to

City Hall. Indeed, we were the talk of the town.

With this success I was pushed forward at a dizzy pace. My name

spread like smoke in an airless room. I was kept moving all over the place.

Speeches here, there, everywhere, uptown and down. I wrote newspaper

articles, led parades and relief delegations, and so on. And the Brotherhood

was going out of its way to make my name prominent. Articles, telegrams

and many mailings went out over my signature — some of which I’d written,

but most not. I was publicized, identified with the organization both by word

and image in the press. On the way to work one late spring morning I

counted fifty greetings from people I didn’t know, becoming aware that there

were two of me: the old self that slept a few hours a night and dreamed

sometimes of my grandfather and Bledsoe and Brockway and Mary, the self

that flew without wings and plunged from great heights; and the new public

self that spoke for the Brotherhood and was becoming so much more

important than the other that I seemed to run a foot race against myself.

Still, I liked my work during those days of certainty. I kept my eyes

wide and ears alert. The Brotherhood was a world within a world and I was

determined to discover all its secrets and to advance as far as I could. I saw

no limits, it was the one organization in the whole country in which I could

reach the very top and I meant to get there. Even if it meant climbing a

mountain of words. For now I had begun to believe, despite all the talk of

science around me, that there was a magic in spoken words. Sometimes I sat

watching the watery play of light upon Douglass’ portrait, thinking how

magical it was that he had talked his way from slavery to a government

ministry, and so swiftly. Perhaps, I thought, something of the kind is

happening to me. Douglass came north to escape and find work in the

shipyards; a big fellow in a sailor’s suit who, like me, had taken another

name. What had his true name been? Whatever it was, it was as Douglass

that he became himself, defined himself. And not as a boatwright as he’d

expected, but as an orator. Perhaps the sense of magic lay in the unexpected

transformations. “You start Saul, and end up Paul,” my grandfather had often

said. “When you’re a youngun, you Saul, but let life whup your head a bit

and you starts to trying to be Paul — though you still Sauls around on the

side.”

No, you could never tell where you were going, that was a sure

thing. The only sure thing. Nor could you tell how you’d get there — though

when you arrived it was somehow right. For hadn’t I started out with a

speech, and hadn’t it been a speech that won my scholarship to college,

where I had expected speechmaking to win me a place with Bledsoe and

launch me finally as a national leader? Well, I had made a speech, and it

had made me a leader, only not the kind I had expected. So that was the

way it was. And no complaints, I thought, looking at the map; you started

looking for red men and you found them — even though of a different tribe

and in a bright new world. The world was strange if you stopped to think

about it; still it was a world that could be controlled by science, and the

Brotherhood had both science and history under control.

Thus for one lone stretch of time I lived with the intensity displayed

by those chronic numbers players who see clues to their fortune in the most

minute and insignificant phenomena: in clouds, on passing trucks and subway

cars, in dreams, comic strips, the shape of dog-luck fouled on the pavements.

I was dominated by the all-embracing idea of Brotherhood. The organization

had given the world a new shape, and me a vital role. We recognized no

loose ends, everything could be controlled by our science. Life was all pattern

and discipline; and the beauty of discipline is when it works. And it was

working very well.

Chapter 18

Only my Bledsoe-trustee inspired compulsion to read all papers that

touched my hands prevented me from throwing the envelope aside. It was

unstamped and appeared to be the least important item in the morning’s

mail:

Brother,

This is advice from a friend who has been watching you closely. Do

not go too fast. Keep working for the people but remember that you are one

of us and do not forget if you get too big they will cut you down. You are

from the South and you know that this is a white man’s world. So take a

friendly advice and go easy so that you can keep on helping the colored

people. They do not want you to go too fast and will cut you down if you

do. Be smart . . .

I shot to my feet, the paper rattling poisonously in my hands. What

did it mean? Who’d send such a thing?

“Brother Tarp!” I called, reading again the wavery lines of a

handwriting that was somehow familiar. “Brother Tarp!”

“What is it, son?”

And looking up, I received another shock. Framed there in the gray,

early morning light of the door, my grandfather seemed to look from his

eyes. I gave a quick gasp, then there was a silence in which I could hear his

wheezing breath as he eyed me unperturbed.

“What’s wrong?” he said, limping into the room.

I reached for the envelope. “Where did this come from?” I said.

“What is it?” he said, taking it calmly from my hands.

“It’s unstamped.”

“Oh, yes — I saw it myself,” he said. “I reckon somebody put it in

the box late last night. I took it out with the regular mail. Is it something

that wasn’t for you?”

“No,” I said, avoiding his eyes. “But — it isn’t dated. I was wondering

when it arrived — Why are you staring at me?”

“Because looks to me like you seen a ghost. You feel sick?”

“It’s nothing,” I said. “Just a slight upset.”

There was an awkward silence. He stood there and I forced myself to

look at his eyes again, finding my grandfather gone, leaving only the

searching calm. I said, “Sit down a second, Brother Tarp. Since you’re here

I’d like to ask you a question.”

“Sure,” he said, dropping into a chair. “Go ‘head.”

“Brother Tarp, you get around and know the members — how do

they really feel about me?”

He cocked his head. “Why, sure — they think you’re going to make a

real leader –”

“But?”

“Ain’t no buts, that’s what they think and I don’t mind telling you.”

“But what about the others?”

“What others?”

“The ones who don’t think so much of me?”

“Them’s the ones I haven’t heard about, son.”

“But I must have some enemies,” I said.

“Sure, I guess everybody has ’em, but I never heard of anybody here

in the Brotherhood not liking you. As far as folks up here is concerned they

think you’re it. You heard any different?”

“No, but I was wondering. I’ve been going along taking them so

much for granted that I thought I’d better check so that I can keep their

support.”

“Well, you don’t have to worry. So far, nearly everything you had

anything to do with has turned out to be what the folks like, even things

some of ’em resisted. Take that there,” he said, pointing to the wall near my

desk.

It was a symbolic poster of a group of heroic figures: An American

Indian couple, representing the dispossessed past; a blond brother (in

overalls) and a leading Irish sister, representing the dispossessed present; and

Brother Tod Clifton and a young white couple (it had been felt unwise simply

to show Clifton and the girl) surrounded by a group of children of mixed

races, representing the future, a color photograph of bright skin texture and

smooth contrast.

“So?” I said, staring at the legend:

“After the Struggle: The Rainbow of America’s Future”

“Well, when you first suggested it, some of the members was against

you.”

“That’s certainly true.”

“Sho, and they raised the devil about the youth members going into

the subways and sticking ’em up in place of them constipation ads and things

— but do you know what they doing now?”

“I guess they’re holding it against me because some of the kids were

arrested,” I said.

“Holding it against you? Hell, they going around bragging about it.

But what I was about to say is they taking them rainbow pictures and

tacking ’em to their walls ‘long with ‘God Bless Our Home’ and the Lord’s

Prayer. They’re crazy about it. And same way with the Hot-Footers and all

that. You don’t have to worry, son. They might resist some of your ideas, but

when the deal goes down, they with you right on down to the ground. The

only enemies you likely to have is somebody on the outside who’s jealous to

see you spring up all of a sudden and start to doing some of the things what

should of been done years ago. And what do you care when some folks start

knocking you? It’s a sign you getting some place.”

“I’d like to believe so, Brother Tarp,” I said. “As long as I have the

people with me I’ll believe in what I’m doing.”

“That’s right,” he said. “When things get rough it kind of helps to

know you got support –” His voice broke off and he seemed to stare down

at me, although he faced me at eye level acrosis the desk.

“What is it, Brother Tarp?”

“You from down South, ain’t you, son?”

“Yes,” I said.

He turned in his chair, sliding one hand into his pocket as he rested

his chin upon the other. “I don’t really have the words to say what just come

into my head, son. You see, I was down there for a long time before I come

up here, and when I did come up they was after me. What I mean is, I had

to escape, I had to come a-running.”

“I guess I did too, in a way,” I said.

“You mean they were after you too?”

“Not really, Brother Tarp, I just feel that way.”

“Well this ain’t exactly the same thing,” he said. “You notice this

limp I got?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I wasn’t always lame, and I’m not really now ’cause the

doctors can’t find anything wrong with that leg. They say it’s sound as a

piece of steel. What I mean is I got this limp from dragging a chain.”

I couldn’t see it in his face or hear it in his speech, yet I knew he

was neither lying nor trying to shock me. I shook my head.

“Sure,” he said. “Nobody knows that about me, they just think I got

rheumatism. But it was that chain and after nineteen years I haven’t been

able to stop dragging my leg.”

“Nineteen years!”

“Nineteen years, six months and two days. And what I did wasn’t

much; that is, it wasn’t much when I did it. But after all that time it

changed into something else and it seemed to be as bad as they said it was.

All that time made it bad. I paid for it with everything I had but my life. I

lost my wife and my boys and my piece of land. So what started out as an

argument between a couple of men turned out to be a crime worth nineteen

years of my life.”

“What on earth did you do, Brother Tarp?”

“I said no to a man who wanted to take something from me; that’s

what it cost me for saying no and even now the debt ain’t fully paid and will

never be paid in their terms.”

A pain throbbed in my throat and I felt a kind of numb despair.

Nineteen years! And here he was talking quietly to me and this no doubt the

first time he’d tried to tell anyone about it. But why me, I thought, why pick

me?

“I said no,” he said. “I said hell, no! And I kept saying no until I

broke the chain and left.”

“But how?”

“They let me get close to the dogs once in a while, that’s how. I

made friends with them dogs and I waited. Down there you really learn how

to wait. I waited nineteen years and then one morning when the river was

flooding I left. They thought I was one of them who got drowned when the

levee broke, but I done broke the chain and gone. I was standing in the mud

holding a long-handled shovel and I asked myself, Tarp, can you make it?

And inside me I said yes; all that water and mud and rain said yes, and I

took off.”

Suddenly he gave a laugh so gay it startled me.

“I’m tellin’ it better’n I ever thought I could,” he said, fishing in his

pocket and removing something that looked like an oilskin tobacco pouch,

from which he removed an object wrapped in a handkerchief.

“I’ve been looking for freedom ever since, son. And sometimes I’ve

done all right. Up to these here hard times I did very well, considering that

I’m a man whose health is not too good. But even when times were best for

me I remembered. Because I didn’t want to forget those nineteen years I just

kind of held on to this as a keepsake and a reminder.”

He was unwrapping the object now and I watched his old man’s

hands.

“I’d like to pass it on to you, son. There,” he said, handing it to me.

“Funny thing to give somebody, but I think it’s got a heap of signifying

wrapped up in it and it might help you remember what we’re really fighting

against. I don’t think of it in terms of but two words, yes and no; but it

signifies a heap more . . .”

I saw him place his hand on the desk. “Brother,” he said, calling me

“Brother” for the first time, “I want you to take it. I guess it’s a kind of luck

piece. Anyway, it’s the one I filed to get away.”

I took it in my hand, a thick, dark, oily piece of filed steel that had

been twisted open and forced partly back into place, on which I saw marks

that might have been made by the blade of a hatchet. It was such a link as I

had seen on Bledsoe’s desk, only while that one had been smooth, Tarp’s

bore the marks of haste and violence, looking as though it had been attacked

and conquered before it stubbornly yielded.

I looked at him and shook my head as he watched me inscrutably.

Finding no words to ask him more about it, I slipped the link over my

knuckles and struck it sharply against the desk.

Brother Tarp chuckled. “Now there’s a way I never thought of using

it,” he said. “It’s pretty good. It’s pretty good.”

“But why do you give it to me, Brother Tarp?”

“Because I have to, I guess. Now don’t go trying to get me to say

what I can’t. You’re the talker, not me,” he said, getting up and limping

toward the door. “It was lucky to me and I think it might be lucky to you.

You just keep it with you and look at it once in a while. Course, if you get

tired of it, why, give it back.”

“Oh, no,” I called after him, “I want it and I think I understand.

Thanks for giving it to me.”

I looked at the dark band of metal against my fist and dropped it

upon the anonymous letter. I neither wanted it nor knew what to do with it;

although there was no question of keeping it if for no other reason than that

I felt that Brother Tarp’s gesture in offering it was of some deeply felt

significance which I was compelled to respect. Something, perhaps, like a man

passing on to his son his own father’s watch, which the son accepted not

because he wanted the old-fashioned time-piece for itself, but because of the

overtones of unstated seriousness and solemnity of the paternal gesture which

at once joined him with his ancestors, marked a high point of his present,

and promised a concreteness to his nebulous and chaotic future. And now I

remembered that if I had returned home instead of coming north my father

would have given me my grandfather’s old-fashioned Hamilton, with its long,

burr-headed winding stem. Well, so my brother would get it and I’d never

wanted it anyway. What were they doing now, I brooded, suddenly sick for

home.

I could feel the air from the window hot against my neck now as

through the smell of morning coffee I heard a throaty voice singing with a

mixture of laughter and solemnity:

Don’t come early in the morning

Neither in the heat of the day

But come in the sweet cool of the

Evening and wash my sins away . . .

A whole series of memories started to well up, but I threw them off. There

was no time for memory, for all its images were of times passed.

There had been only a few minutes from the time that I’d called in

Brother Tarp about the letter and his leaving, but it seemed as though I’d

plunged down a well of years. I looked calmly now at the writing which, for

a moment, had shaken my total structure of certainty, and was glad that

Brother Tarp had been there to be called rather than Clifton or some of the

others before whom I would have been ashamed of my panic. Instead he’d

left me soberly confident. Perhaps from the shock of seeming to see my

grandfather looking through Tarp’s eyes, perhaps through the calmness of his

voice alone, or perhaps through his story and his link of chain, he had

restored my perspective.

He’s right, I thought; whoever sent the message is trying to confuse

me; some enemy is trying to halt our progress by destroying my faith through

touching upon my old southern distrust, our fear of white betrayal. It was as

though he had learned of my experience with Bledsoe’s letters and was trying

to use that knowledge to destroy not only me but the whole Brotherhood. Yet

that was impossible; no one knew that story who knew me now. It was

simply an obscene coincidence. If only I could get my hands upon his stupid

throat. Here in the Brotherhood was the one place in the country where we

were free and given the greatest encouragement to use our abilities, and he

was trying to destroy it! No, it wasn’t me he was worrying about becoming

too big, it was the Brotherhood. And becoming big was exactly what the

Brotherhood wanted. Hadn’t I just received orders to submit ideas for

organizing more people? And “a white man’s world” was just what the

Brotherhood was against. We were dedicated to building a world of

Brotherhood.

But who had sent it — Ras the Exhorter? No, it wasn’t like him. He

was more direct and absolutely against any collaboration between blacks and

whites. It was someone else, someone more insidious than Ras. But who, I

wondered, forcing it below my consciousness as I turned to the tasks at hand.

The morning began with people asking my advice on how to secure

relief; members coming in for instructions for small committee meetings being

held in corners of the large hall; and I had just dismissed a woman seeking

to free her husband, who had been jailed for beating her, when Brother

Wrestrum entered the room. I returned his greeting and watched him ease

into a chair, his eyes sweeping over my desk-with uneasiness. He seemed to

possess some kind of authority in the Brotherhood, but his exact function was

unclear. He was, I felt, something of a meddler.

And hardly had he settled himself when he stared at my desk,

saying, “What you got there, Brother?” and pointed toward a pile of my

papers.

I leaned slowly back in my chair, looking him in the eye. “That’s my

work,” I said coldly, determined to stop any interference from the start.

“But I mean that,” he said, pointing, his eyes beginning to blaze,

“that there.”

“It’s work,” I said, “all my work.”

“Is that too?” he said, pointing to Brother Tarp’s leg link.

“That’s just a personal present, Brother,” I said. “What could I do for

you?”

“That ain’t what I asked you, Brother. What is it?”

I picked up the link and held it toward him, the metal oily and

strangely skinlike now with the slanting sun entering the window. “Would you

care to examine it, Brother? One of our members wore it nineteen years on

the chain gang.”

“Hell, no!” He recoiled. “I mean, no, thank you. In fact, Brother, I

don’t think we ought to have such things around!”

“You think so,” I said. “And just why?”

“Because I don’t think we ought to dramatize our differences.”

“I’m not dramatizing anything, it’s my personal property that happens

to be lying on my desk.”

“But people can see it!”

“That’s true,” I said. “But I think it’s a good reminder of what our

movement is fighting against.”

“No, suh!” he said, shaking his head, “no, suh! That’s the worse kind

of thing for Brotherhood — because we want to make folks think of the

things we have in common. That’s what makes for Brotherhood. We have to

change this way we have of always talking about how different we are. In the

Brotherhood we are all brothers.”

I was amused. He was obviously disturbed by something deeper than

a need to forget differences. Fear was in his eyes. “I never thought of it in

just that way, Brother,” I said, dangling the iron between my finger and

thumb.

“But you want to think about it,” he said. “We have to discipline

ourselves. Things that don’t make for Brotherhood have to be rooted out. We

have enemies, you know. I watch everything I do and say so as to be sure

that I don’t upset the Brotherhood — ’cause this is a wonderful movement,

Brother, and we have to keep it that way. We have to watch ourselves,

Brother. You know what I mean? Too often we’re liable to forget that this is

something that’s a privilege to belong to. We’re liable to say things that don’t

do nothing but make for more misunderstanding.”

What’s driving him, I thought, what’s all this to do with me? Could

he have sent me the note? Dropping the iron I fished the anonymous note

from beneath the pile and held it by a corner, so that the slanting sun shone

through the page and outlined the scrawling letters. I watched him intently.

He was leaning upon the desk now, looking at the page but with no

recognition in his eyes. I dropped the page upon the chain, more

disappointed than relieved.

“Between you and me, Brother,” he said, “there are those amongst us

who don’t really believe in Brotherhood.”

“Oh?”

“You damn right they don’t! They’re just in it to use it for their own

ends. Some call you Brother to your face and the minute you turn your back,

you’re a black son of a bitch! You got to watch ’em.”

“I haven’t encountered any of that, Brother,” I said.

“You will. There’s lots of poison around. Some don’t want to shake

your hand and some don’t like the idea of seeing too much of you; but

goddam it, in the Brotherhood they gotta!”

I looked at him. It had never occurred to me that the Brotherhood

could force anyone to shake my hand, and that he found satisfaction that it

could was both shocking and distasteful.

Suddenly he laughed. “Yes, dammit, they gotta! Me, I don’t let ’em

get away with nothing. If they going to be brothers let ’em be brothers! Oh,

but I’m fair,” he said, his face suddenly self-righteous. “I’m fair. I ask myself

every day, ‘What are you doing against Brotherhood?’ and when I find it, I

root it out, I burn it out like a man cauterizing a mad-dog bite. This

business of being a brother is a full-time job. You have to be pure in heart,

and you have to be disciplined in body and mind. Brother, you understand

what I mean?”

“Yes, I think I do,” I said. “Some folks feel that way about their

religion.”

“Religion?” He blinked his eyes. “Folks like me and you is full of

distrust,” he said. “We been corrupted ’til it’s hard for some of us to believe

in Brotherhood. And some even want revenge! That’s what I’m talking about.

We have to root it out! We have to learn to trust our other brothers. After

all, didn’t they start the Brotherhood? Didn’t they come and stretch out their

hand to us black men and say, ‘We want y’all for our brothers?’ Didn’t they

do it? Didn’t they, now? Didn’t they set out to organize us, and help fight

our battle and all like that? Sho they did, and we have to remember it

twenty-four hours a day. Brotherhood. That’s the word we got to keep right

in front of our eyes every second. Now this brings me to why I come to see

you, Brother.”

He sat back, his huge hands grasping his knees. “I got a plan I want

to talk over with you.”

“What is it, Brother?” I said.

“Well, it’s like this. I think we ought to have some way of showing

what we are. We ought to have some banners and things like that. Specially

for us black brothers.”

“I see,” I said, becoming interested. “But why do you think this is

important?”

” ‘Cause it helps the Brotherhood, that’s why. First, if you remember,

when you watch our people when there’s a parade or a funeral, or a dance or

anything like that, they always have some kind of flags and banners even if

they don’t mean anything. It kind of makes the occasion seem more

important like. It makes people stop look and listen. ‘What’s coming off here?’

But you know and I know that they ain’t none of ’em got no true flag —

except maybe Ras the Exhorter, and he claims he’s Ethiopian or African. But

none of us got no true flag ’cause that flag don’t really belong to us. They

want a true flag, one that’s as much theirs as anybody else’s. You know what

I mean?”

“Yes, I think I do,” I said, remembering that there was always that

sense in me of being apart when the flag went by. It had been a reminder,

until I’d found the Brotherhood, that my star was not yet there . . .

“Sure, you know,” Brother Wrestrum said. “Everybody wants a flag.

We need a flag that stands for Brotherhood, and we need a sign we can

wear.”

“A sign?”

“You know, a pin or a button.”

“You mean an emblem?”

“That’s it! Something we can wear, a pin or something like that. So

that when a Brother meets a Brother they can know it. That way that thing

what happened to Brother Tod Clifton wouldn’t have happened . . .”

“What wouldn’t have happened?”

He sat back. “Don’t you know about it?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“It’s something that’s best forgot about,” he said, leaning close, his

big hands gripped and stretched before him. “But you see, there was a rally

and some hoodlums tried to break up the meeting, and in the fighting

Brother Tod Clifton got holt to one of the white brothers by mistake and was

beating him, thought he was one of the hoodlums, he said. Things like that is

bad, Brother, very bad. But with some of these emblems, things like that

wouldn’t happen.”

“So that actually happened,” I said.

“Sure did. That Brother Clifton goes wild when he gits mad . . . But

what do you think of my idea?”

“I think it should be brought to the attention of the committee,” I

said guardedly, as the phone rang. “Excuse me a moment, Brother,” I said.

It was the editor of a new picture magazine requesting an interview

of “one of our most successful young men.”

“That’s very flattering,” I said, “but I’m afraid I’m too busy for an

interview. I suggest, however, that you interview our youth leader, Brother

Tod Clifton; you’ll find him a much more interesting subject.”

“No, no!” Wrestrum said, shaking his head violently as the editor

said, “But we want you. You’ve –”

“And you know,” I interrupted, “our work is considered very

controversial, certainly by some.”

“That’s exactly why we want you. You’ve become identified with that

controversy and it’s our job to bring such subjects to the eyes of our

readers.”

“But so has Brother Clifton,” I said.

“No, sir; you’re the man and you owe it to our youth to allow us to

tell them your story,” he said, as I watched Brother Wrestrum leaning

forward. “We feel that they should be encouraged to keep fighting toward

success. After all, you’re one of the latest to fight his way to the top. We

need all the heroes we can get.”

“But, please,” I laughed over the phone, “I’m no hero and I’m far

from the top; I’m a cog in a machine. We here in the Brotherhood work as a

unit,” I said, seeing Brother Wrestrum nod his head in agreement.

“But you can’t get around the fact that you’re the first of our people

to attract attention to it, can you now?”

“Brother Clifton was active at least three years before me. Besides, it

isn’t that simple. Individuals don’t count for much; it’s what the group wants,

what the group does. Everyone here submerges his personal ambitions for the

common achievement.”

“Good! That’s very good. People want to hear that. Our people need

to have someone say that to them. Why don’t you let me send out an

interviewer? I’ll have her there in twenty minutes.”

“You’re very insistent, but I’m very busy,” I said.

And if Brother Wrestrum hadn’t been wig-wagging, trying to tell me

what to say I would have refused. Instead, I consented. Perhaps, I thought, a

little friendly publicity wouldn’t hurt. Such a magazine would reach many

timid souls living far from the sound of our voices. I had only to remember

to say little about my past.

“I’m sorry for this interruption, Brother,” I said, putting down the

phone and looking into his curious eyes. “I’ll bring your idea to the attention

of the committee as quickly as possible.”

I stood to discourage further talk and he got up, fairly bursting to

continue.

“Well, I’ve got to see some other brothers myself,” he said, “I’ll be

seeing you soon.”

“Anytime,” I said, avoiding his hand by picking up some papers.

Going out, he turned with his hand on the door frame, frowning.

“And, Brother, don’t forget what I said about that thing you got on your

desk. Things like that don’t do nothin’ but cause confusion. They ought to be

kept out of sight.”

I was glad to see him go. The idea of his trying to tell me what to

say in a conversation only part of which he could have heard! And it was

obvious that he disliked Clifton. Well, I disliked him. And all that foolishness

and fear over the leg chain. Tarp had worn it for nineteen years and could

laugh, but this big —

Then I forgot Brother Wrestrum until about two weeks later at our

downtown headquarters, where a meeting had been called to discuss strategy.

EVERYONE had arrived before me. Long benches were arranged at

one side of the room, which was hot and filled with smoke. Usually such

meetings sounded like a prizefight or a smoker, but now everyone was silent.

The white brothers looked uncomfortable and some of the Harlem brothers

belligerent. Nor did they leave me time to think about it. No sooner had I

apologized for my lateness than Brother Jack struck the table with his gavel,

addressing his first remarks to me.

“Brother, there seems to be a serious misunderstanding among some

of the brothers concerning your work and recent conduct,” he said.

I stared at him blankly, my mind groping for connections. “I’m sorry,

Brother Jack,” I said, “but I don’t understand. You mean there’s something

wrong with my work?”

“So it seems,” he said, his face completely neutral. “Certain charges

have just been made . . .”

“Charges? Have I failed to carry out some directive?”

“About that there seems to be some doubt. But we’d better let

Brother Wrestrum speak of this,” he said.

“Brother Wrestrum!”

I was shocked. He hadn’t been around since our talk, and I looked

across the table into his evasive face, seeing him stand with a slouch, a rolled

paper protruding from his pocket.

“Yes, Brothers,” he said, “I brought charges, much as I hated to have

to do it. But I been watching the way things have been going and I’ve

decided that if they don’t stop soon, this brother is going to make a fool out

of the Brotherhood!”

There were some sounds of protest.

“Yes, I said it and I mean it! This here brother constitutes one of

the greatest dangers ever confronted by our movement.”

I looked at Brother Jack; his eyes were sparkling. I seemed to see

traces of a smile as he scribbled something on a pad. I was becoming very

hot.

“Be more specific, Brother,” Brother Garnett, a white brother, said.

“These are serious charges and we all know that the brother’s work has been

splendid. Be specific.”

“Sho, I’ll be specific,” Wrestrum boomed, suddenly whipping the

paper from his pocket, unrolling it and throwing it on the table. “This here’s

what I mean!”

I took a step forward; it was a portrait of me looking out from a

magazine page.

“Where did that come from?” I said.

“That’s it,” he boomed. “Make out like you never seen it.”

“But I haven’t,” I said. “I really haven’t.”

“Don’t lie to these white brothers. Don’t lie!”

“I’m not lying. I never saw it before in my life. But suppose I had,

what’s wrong with it?”

“You know what’s wrong!” Wrestrum said.

“Look, I don’t know anything. What’s on your mind? You have us all

here, so if you have anything to say, please get it over with.”

“Brothers, this man is a — a — opportunist! All you got to do is read

this article to see. I charge this man with using the Brotherhood movement

to advance his own selfish interests.”

“Article?” Then I remembered the interview which I had forgotten. I

met the eyes of the others as they looked from me to Wrestrum.

“And what does it say about us?” Brother Jack said, pointing to the

magazine.

“Say?” Wrestrum said. “It doesn’t say anything. It’s all about him.

What he thinks, what he does; what he’s going to do. Not a word about the

rest of us who’s been building the movement before he was ever heard of.

Look at it, if you think I’m lying. Look at it!”

Brother Jack turned to me. “Is this true?”

“I haven’t read it,” I said. “I had forgotten that I was interviewed.”

“But you remember it now?” Brother Jack said.

“Yes, I do now. And he happened to be in the office when the

appointment was made.”

They were silent.

“Hell, Brother Jack,” Wrestrum said, “it’s right here in black and

white. He’s trying to give people the idea that he’s the whole Brotherhood

movement.”

“I’m doing nothing of the sort. I tried to get the editor to interview

Brother Tod Clifton, you know that. Since you know so little about what I’m

doing, why not tell the brothers what you’re up to.”

“I’m exposing a double-dealer, that’s what I’m doing. I’m exposing

you. Brothers, this man is a pure dee opportunist!”

“All right,” I said, “expose me if you can, but stop the slander.”

“I’ll expose you, all right,” he said, sticking out his chin. “I’m going

to. He’s doing everything I said, Brothers. And I’ll tell you something else —

he’s trying to sew things up so that the members won’t move unless he tells

them to. Look at a few weeks ago when he was off in Philly. We tried to get

a rally going and what happens? Only about two hundred people turned out.

He’s trying to train them so they won’t listen to no one but him.”

“But, Brother, didn’t we decide that the appeal had been improperly

phrased?” a brother interrupted.

“Yeah, I know, but that wasn’t it . . .”

“But the committee analyzed the appeal and –”

“I know, Brothers, and I don’t aim to dispute the committee. But,

Brothers, it just seems that way ’cause you don’t know this man. He works in

the dark, he’s got some kind of plot . . .”

“What kind of plot?” one of the brothers said, leaning across the

table.

“Just a plot,” Wrestrum said. “He aims to control the movement

uptown. He wants to be a dictator!”

The room was silent except for the humming of fans. They looked at

him with a new concern.

“These are very serious charges, Brother,” two brothers said in

unison.

“Serious? I know they’re serious. That’s how come I brought them.

This opportunist thinks that because he’s got a little more education he’s

better than anybody else. He’s what Brother Jack calls a petty — petty

individualist!”

He struck the conference table with his fist, his eyes showing small

and round in his taut face. I wanted to punch that face. It no longer seemed

real, but a mask behind which the real face was probably laughing, both at

me and at the others. For he couldn’t believe what he had said. It just wasn’t

possible. He was the plotter and from the serious looks on the committee’s

faces he was getting away with it. Now several brothers started to speak at

once, and Brother Jack knocked for order.

“Brothers, please!” Brother Jack said. “One at a time. What do you

know about this article?” he said to me.

“Not very much,” I said. “The editor of the magazine called to say he

was sending a reporter up for an interview. The reporter asked a few

questions and took a few pictures with a little camera. That’s all I know.”

“Did you give the reporter a prepared handout?”

“I gave her nothing except a few pieces of our official literature. I

told her neither what to ask me nor what to write. I naturally tried to

co-operate. If an article about me would help make friends for the movement

I felt it was my duty.”

“Brothers, this thing was arranged,” Wrestrum said. “I tell you this

opportunist had that reporter sent up there. He had her sent up and he told

her what to write.”

“That’s a contemptible lie,” I said. “You were present and you know I

tried to get them to interview Brother Clifton!”

“Who’s a lie?”

“You’re a liar and a fat-mouthed scoundrel. You’re a liar and no

brother of mine.”

“Now he’s calling me names. Brothers, you heard him.”

“Let’s not lose our tempers,” Brother Jack said calmly. “Brother

Wrestrum, you’ve made serious charges. Can you prove them?”

“I can prove them. All you have to do is read the magazine and

prove them for yourself;”

“It will be read. And what else?”

“All you have to do is listen to folks in Harlem. All they talk about

is him. Never nothing about what the rest of us do. I tell you, Brothers, this

man constitutes a danger to the people of Harlem. He ought to be thrown

out!”

“That is for the committee to decide,” Brother Jack said. Then to me,

“And what have you to say in your defense, Brother?”

“In my defense?” I said, “Nothing. I haven’t anything to defend. I’ve

tried to do my work and if the brothers don’t know that, then it’s too late to

tell them. I don’t know what’s behind this, but I haven’t gotten around to

controlling magazine writers. And I didn’t realize that I was coming to stand

trial either.”

“This was not intended as a trial,” Brother Jack said. “If you’re ever

put on trial, and I hope you’ll never be, you’ll know it. Meantime, since this

is an emergency the committee asks that you leave the room while we read

and discuss the questioned interview.”

I left the room and went into a vacant office, boiling with anger and

disgust. Wrestrum had snatched me back to the South in the midst of one of

the top Brotherhood committees and I felt naked. I could have throttled him

— forcing me to take part in a childish dispute before the others. Yet I had

to fight him as I could, in terms he understood, even though we sounded like

characters in a razor-slinging vaudeville skit. Perhaps I should mention the

anonymous note, except that someone might take it to mean that I didn’t

have the full support of my district. If Clifton were here, he’d know how to

handle this clown. Were they taking him seriously just because he was black?

What was wrong with them anyway, couldn’t they see that they were dealing

with a clown? But I would have gone to pieces had they laughed or even

smiled, I thought, for they couldn’t laugh at him without laughing at me as

well . . . Yet if they had laughed, it would have been less unreal — Where

the hell am I?

“You can come in now,” a brother called to me; and I went out to

hear their decision.

“Well,” Brother Jack said, “we’ve all read the article, Brother, and

we’re happy to report that we found it harmless enough. True, it would have

been better had more wordage been given to other members of the Harlem

district. But we found no evidence that you had anything to do with that.

Brother Wrestrum was mistaken.”

His bland manner and the knowledge that they had wasted time to

see the truth released the anger within me.

“I’d say that he was criminally mistaken,” I said.

“Not criminal, over-zealous,” he said.

“To me it seems both criminal and over-zealous,” I said.

“No, Brother, not criminal.”

“But he attacked my reputation . . .”

Brother Jack smiled. “Only because he was sincere, Brother. He was

thinking of the good of the Brotherhood.”

“But why slander me? I don’t follow you, Brother Jack. I’m no

enemy, as he well knows. I’m a brother too,” I said, seeing his smile.

“The Brotherhood has many enemies, and we must not be too harsh

with brotherly mistakes.”

Then I saw the foolish, abashed expression on Wrestrum’s face and

relaxed.

“Very well, Brother Jack,” I said. “I suppose I should be glad you

found me innocent –”

“Concerning the magazine article,” he said, stabbing the air with his

finger.

Something tensed in the back of my head; I got to my feet.

“Concerning the article! You mean to say that you believe that other

pipe-dream? Is everyone reading Dick Tracy these days?”

“This is no matter of Dick Tracy,” he snapped. “The movement has

many enemies.”

“So now I have become an enemy,” I said. “What’s happened to

everybody? You act as though none of you has any contact with me at all.”

Jack looked at the table. “Are you interested in our decision,

Brother?”

“Oh, yes,” I said. “Yes, I am. I’m interested in all manner of odd

behavior. Who wouldn’t be, when one wild man can make a roomful of what

I’d come to regard as some of the best minds in the country take him

seriously. Certainly, I’m interested. Otherwise I’d act like a sensible man and

run out of here!”

There were sounds of protest and Brother Jack, his face red, rapped

for order.

“Perhaps I should address a few words to the brother,” Brother

MacAfee said.

“Go ahead,” Brother Jack said thickly.

“Brother, we understand how you feel,” Brother MacAfee said, “but

you must understand that the movement has many enemies. This is very true,

and we are forced to think of the organization at the expense of our personal

feelings. The Brotherhood is bigger than all of us. None of us as individuals

count when its safety is questioned. And be assured that none of us have

anything but goodwill toward you personally. Your work has been splendid.

This is simply a matter of the safety of the organization, and it is our

responsibility to make a thorough investigation of all such charges.”

I felt suddenly empty; there was a logic in what he said which I felt

compelled to accept. They were wrong, but they had the obligation to discover

their mistake. Let them go ahead, they’d find that none of the charges were

true and I’d be vindicated. What was all this obsession with enemies anyway?

I looked into their smoke-washed faces; not since the beginning had I faced

such serious doubts. Up to now I had felt a wholeness about my work and

direction such as I’d never known; not even in my mistaken college days.

Brotherhood was something to which men could give themselves completely;

that was its strength and my strength, and it was this sense of wholeness

that guaranteed that it would change the course of history. This I had

believed with all my being, but now, though still inwardly affirming that

belief, I felt a blighting hurt which prevented me from trying further to

defend myself. I stood there silently, waiting their decision. Someone

drummed his fingers against the table top. I heard the dry-leaf rustle of

onionskin papers.

“Be assured that you can depend upon the fairness and wisdom of

the committee,” Brother Tobitt’s voice drifted from the end of the table, but

there was smoke between us and I could barely see his face.

“The committee has decided,” Brother Jack began crisply, “that until

all charges have been cleared, you are to have the choice of becoming

inactive in Harlem, or accepting an assignment downtown. In the latter case

you are to wind up your present assignment immediately.”

I felt weak in my legs. “You mean I am to give up my work?”

“Unless you choose to serve the movement elsewhere.”

“But can’t you see –” I said, looking from face to face and seeing

the blank finality in their eyes.

“Your assignment, should you decide to remain active,” Brother Jack

said, reaching for his gavel, “is to lecture downtown on the Woman

Question.”

Suddenly I felt as though I had been spun like a top.

“The what!”

“The Woman Question. My pamphlet, ‘On the Woman Question in

the United States,’ will be your guide. And now, Brothers,” he said, his eyes

sweeping around the table, “the meeting is adjourned.”

I stood there, hearing the rapping of his gavel echoing in my ears,

thinking the woman question and searching their faces for signs of

amusement, listening to their voices as they filed out into the hall for the

slightest sound of suppressed laughter, stood there fighting the sense that I

had just been made the butt of an outrageous joke and all the more so since

their faces revealed no awareness.

My mind fought desperately for acceptance. Nothing would change

matters. They would shift me and investigate and I, still believing, still

bending to discipline, would have to accept their decision. Now was certainly

no time for inactivity; not just when I was beginning to approach some of

the aspects of the organization about which I knew nothing (of higher

committees and the leaders who never appeared, of the sympathizers and

allies in groups that seemed far removed from our concerns), not at a time

when all the secrets of power and authority still shrouded from me in

mystery appeared on the way toward revelation. No, despite my anger and

disgust, my ambitions were too great to surrender so easily. And why should

I restrict myself, segregate myself? I was a spokesman — why shouldn’t I

speak about women, or any other subject? Nothing lay outside the scheme of

our ideology, there was a policy on everything, and my main concern was to

work my way ahead in the movement.

I left the building still feeling as though I had been violently spun

but with optimism growing. Being removed from Harlem was a shock but one

which would hurt them as much as me, for I had learned that the clue to

what Harlem wanted was what I wanted; and my value to the Brotherhood

was no different from the value to me of my most useful contact: it

depended upon my complete frankness and honesty in stating the

community’s hopes and hates, fears and desires. One spoke to the committee

as well as to the community. No doubt it would work much the same

downtown. The new assignment was a challenge and an opportunity for

testing how much of what happened in Harlem was due to my own efforts

and how much to the sheer eagerness of the people themselves. And, after

all, I told myself, the assignment was also proof of the committee’s goodwill.

For by selecting me to speak with its authority on a subject which elsewhere

in our society I’d have found taboo, weren’t they reaffirming their belief both

in me and in the principles of Brotherhood, proving that they drew no lines

even when it came to women? They had to investigate the charges against

me, but the assignment was their unsentimental affirmation that their belief

in me was unbroken. I shivered in the hot street. I hadn’t allowed the idea to

take concrete form in my mind, but for a moment I had almost allowed an

old, southern backwardness which I had thought dead to wreck my career.

Leaving Harlem was not without its regrets, however, and I couldn’t

bring myself to say good-bye to anyone, not even to Brother Tarp or Clifton

— not to mention the others upon whom I depended for information

concerning the lowest groups in the community. I simply slipped my papers

into my brief case and left as though going downtown for a meeting.

Chapter 19

I went to my first lecture with a sense of excitement. The theme was

a sure-fire guarantee of audience interest and the rest was up to me. If only

I were a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier, I could simply stand

before them with a sign across my chest, stating i KNOW ALL ABOUT

THEM, and they’d be as awed as though I were the original boogey man —

somehow reformed and domesticated. I’d no more have to speak than Paul

Robeson had to act; they’d simply thrill at the sight of me.

And it went well enough; they made it a success through their own

enthusiasm, and the barrage of questions afterwards left no doubts in my

mind. It was only after the meeting was breaking up that there came the

developments which even my volatile suspicions hadn’t allowed me to foresee.

I was exchanging greetings with the audience when she appeared, the kind of

woman who glows as though consciously acting a symbolic role of life and

feminine fertility. Her problem, she said, had to do with certain aspects of

our ideology.

“It’s rather involved, really,” she said with concern, “and while I

shouldn’t care to take up your time, I have a feeling that you –”

“Oh, not at all,” I said, guiding her away from the others to stand

near a partly uncoiled firehose hanging beside the entrance, “not at all.”

“But, Brother,” she said, “it’s really so late and you must be tired.

My problem could wait until some other time . . .”

“I’m not that tired,” I said. “And if there’s something bothering you,

it’s my duty to do what I can to clear it up.”

“But it’s quite late,” she said. “Perhaps some evening when you’re not

busy you’ll drop in to see us. Then we could talk at greater length. Unless, of

course. . .”

“Unless?”

“Unless,” she smiled, “I can induce you to stop by this evening. I

might add that I serve a fair cup of coffee.”

“Then I’m at your service,” I said, pushing open the door.

Her apartment was located in one of the better sections of the city,

and I must have revealed my surprise upon entering the spacious living room.

“You can see, Brother” — the glow she gave the word was disturbing

— “it is really the spiritual values of Brotherhood that interest me. Through

no effort of my own, I have economic security and leisure, but what is that,

really, when so much is wrong with the world? I mean when there is no

spiritual or emotional security, and no justice?”

She was slipping out of her coat now, looking earnestly into my face,

and I thought, Is she a Salvationist, a Puritan-with-reverse-English? —

remembering Brother Jack’s private description of wealthy members who, he

said, sought political salvation by contributing financially to the Brotherhood.

She was going a little fast for me and I looked at her gravely.

“I can see that you’ve thought deeply about this thing,” I said.

“I’ve tried,” she said, “and it’s most perplexing — But make yourself

comfortable while I put away my things.”

She was a small, delicately plump woman with raven hair in which a

thin streak of white had begun almost imperceptibly to show, and when she

reappeared in the rich red of a hostess gown she was so striking that I had

to avert my somewhat startled eyes.

“What a beautiful room you have here,” I said, looking across the

rich cherry glow of furniture to see a life-sized painting of a nude, a pink

Renoir. Other canvases were hung here and there, and the spacious walls

seemed to flash alive with warm, pure color. What does one say to all this? I

thought, looking at an abstract fish of polished brass mounted on a piece of

ebony.

“I’m glad you find it pleasant, Brother,” she said. “We like it

ourselves, though I must say that Hubert finds so little time to enjoy it. He’s

much too busy.”

“Hubert?” I said.

“My husband. Unfortunately he had to leave. He would have loved

to’ve met you, but then he’s always dashing off. Business, you know.”

“I suppose it’s unavoidable,” I said with sudden discomfort.

“Yes, it is,” she said. “But we’re going to discuss Brotherhood and

ideology, aren’t we?”

And there was something about her voice and her smile that gave me

a sense of both comfort and excitement. It was not merely the background of

wealth and gracious living, to which I was alien, but simply the being there

with her and the sensed possibility of a heightened communication; as though

the discordantly invisible and the conspicuously enigmatic were reaching a

delicately balanced harmony. She’s rich but human, I thought, watching the

smooth play of her relaxed hands.

“There are so many aspects to the movement,” I said. “Just where

shall we start? Perhaps it’s something that I’m unable to handle.”

“Oh, it’s nothing that profound,” she said. “I’m sure you’ll straighten

out my little ideological twists and turns. But sit here on the sofa, Brother;

it’s more comfortable.”

I sat, seeing her go toward a door, the train of her gown trailing

sensuously over the oriental carpet. Then she turned and smiled.

“Perhaps you’d prefer wine or milk instead of coffee?”

“Wine, thank you,” I said, finding the idea of milk strangely

repulsive. This isn’t at all what I expected, I thought. She returned with a

tray holding two glasses and a decanter, placing them before us on a low

cocktail table, and I could hear the wine trickle musically into the glasses,

one of which she placed in front of me.

“Here’s to the movement,” she said, raising her glass with smiling

eyes.

“To the movement,” I said.

“And to Brotherhood.”

“And to Brotherhood.”

“This is very nice,” I said, seeing her nearly closed eyes, her chin

tilting upward, toward me, “but just what phase of our ideology should we

discuss?”

“All of it,” she said. “I wish to embrace the whole of it. Life is so

terribly empty and disorganized without it. I sincerely believe that only

Brotherhood offers any hope of making life worth living again — Oh, I know

that it’s too vast a philosophy to grasp immediately, as it were; still, it’s so

vital and alive that one gets the feeling that one should at least make the try.

Don’t you agree?”

“Well, yes,” I said. “It’s the most meaningful thing that I know.”

“Oh, I’m so pleased to have you agree with me. I suppose that’s why

I always thrill to hear you speak, somehow you convey the great throbbing

vitality of the movement. It’s really amazing. You give me such a feeling of

security — although,” she interrupted herself with a mysterious smile, “I must

confess that you also make me afraid.”

“Afraid? You can’t mean that,” I said.

“Really,” she repeated, as I laughed. “It’s so powerful, so — so

primitive!”

I felt some of the air escape from the room, leaving it unnaturally

quiet. “You don’t mean primitive?” I said.

“Yes, primitive; no one has told you, Brother, that at times you have

tom-toms beating in your voice?”

“My God,” I laughed, “I thought that was the beat of profound

ideas.”

“Of course, you’re correct,” she said. “I don’t mean really primitive. I

suppose I mean forceful, powerful. It takes hold of one’s emotions as well as

one’s intellect. Call it what you will, it has so much naked power that it goes

straight through one. I tremble just to think of such vitality.”

I looked at her, so close now that I could see a single jet-black

strand of out-of-place hair. “Yes,” I said, “the emotion is there; but it’s

actually our scientific approach that releases it. As Brother Jack says, we’re

nothing if not organizers. And the emotion isn’t merely released, it’s guided,

channelized — that is the real source of our effectiveness. After all, this very

good wine can please emotion, but I doubt seriously that it can organize

anything.”

She leaned gracefully forward, her arm along the back of the sofa,

saying, “Yes, and you do both in your speeches. One just has to respond,

even when one isn’t too clear as to your meaning. Only I do know what

you’re saying and that’s even more inspiring.”

“Actually, you know, I’m as much affected by the audience as it is by

me. Its response helps me do my best.”

“And there’s another important aspect,” she said; “one which concerns

me greatly. It provides women the full opportunity for self-expression, which

is so very important, Brother. It’s as though every day were Leap Year —

which is as it should be. Women should be absolutely as free as men.”

And if I were really free, I thought, lifting my glass, I’d get the hell

out of here.

“I thought you were exceptionally good tonight — it’s time the woman

had a champion in the movement. Until tonight I’d always heard you on

minority problems.”

“This is a new assignment,” I said. “But from now on one of our

main concerns is to be the Woman Question.”

“That’s wonderful and it’s about time. Something has to give women

an opportunity to come to close grips with life. Please go on, tell me your

ideas,” she said, pressing forward, her hand light upon my arm.

And I went on talking, relieved to talk, carried away by my own

enthusiasm and by the warmth of the wine. And it was only when I turned

to ask a question of her that I realized that she was leaning only a nose-tip

away, her eyes upon my face.

“Go on, please go on,” I heard. “You make it sound so clear —

please.”

I saw the rapid, moth-wing fluttering of her lids become the softness

of her lips as we were drawn together. There was not an idea or concept in

it but sheer warmth; then the bell was ringing and I shook it off and got to

my feet, hearing it ring again as she arose with me, the red robe falling in

heavy folds upon the carpet, and she saying, “You make it all so wonderfully

alive,” as the bell sounded again. And I was trying to move, to get out of the

apartment, looking for my hat and filling with anger, thinking, Is she crazy?

Doesn’t she hear? as she stood before me in bewilderment, as though I were

acting irrationally. And now taking my arm with sudden energy, saying, “This

way, in here,” almost pulling me along as the bell rang again, through a door

down a short hall, a satiny bedroom, in which she stood appraising me with

a smile, saying, “This is mine,” as I looked at her in outrageous disbelief.

“Yours, yours? But what about that bell?”

“Never mind,” she cooed, looking into my eyes.

“But be reasonable,” I said, pushing her aside. “What about that

door?”

“Oh, of course, you mean the telephone, don’t you, darling?”

“But your old man — your husband?”

“In Chicago –”

“But he might not –”

“No, no, darling, he won’t –”

“But he might!”

“But, Brother, darling, I talked with him, I know.”

“You what? What kind of game is this?”

“Oh, you poor darling! It isn’t a game, really you have no cause to

worry, we’re free. He’s in Chicago, seeking his lost youth, no doubt,” she said,

bursting into laughter of self-surprise. “He’s not at all interested in uplifting

things — freedom and necessity, woman’s rights and all that. You know, the

sickness of our class — Brother, darling.”

I took a step across the room; there was another door to my left

through which I saw the gleam of chromium and tile.

“Brotherhood, darling,” she said, gripping my biceps with her little

hands. “Teach me, talk to me. Teach me the beautiful ideology of

Brotherhood.” And I wanted both to smash her and to stay with her and

knew that I should do neither. Was she trying to ruin me, or was this a trap

set by some secret enemy of the movement waiting outside the door with

cameras and wrecking bars?

“You should answer the phone,” I said with forced calm, trying to

release my hands without touching her, for if I touched her —

“And you’ll continue?” she said.

I nodded, seeing her turn without a word and go toward a vanity

with a large oval mirror, taking up an ivory telephone. And in the mirrored

instant I saw myself standing between her eager form and a huge white bed,

myself caught in a guilty stance, my face taut, tie dangling; and behind the

bed another mirror which now like a surge of the sea tossed our images back

and forth, back and forth, furiously multiplying the time and the place and

the circumstance. My vision seemed to pulse alternately clear and vague,

driven by a furious bellows, as her lips said soundlessly, I’m sorry, and then

impatiently into the telephone, “Yes, this is she,” and then to me again,

smiling as she covered the mouthpiece with her hand, “It’s only my sister;

it’ll only take a second.” And my mind whirled with forgotten stories of male

servants summoned to wash the mistress’s back; chauffeurs sharing the

masters’ wives; Pullman porters invited into the drawing room of rich wives

headed for Reno — thinking, But this is the movement, the Brotherhood. And

now I saw her smile, saying, “Yes, Gwen, dear. Yes,” as one free hand went

up as though to smooth her hair and in one swift motion the red robe swept

aside like a veil, and I went breathless, at the petite and generously curved

nude, framed delicate and firm in the glass. It was like a dream interval and

in an instant it swung back and I saw only her mysteriously smiling eyes

above the rich red robe.

I was heading for the door, torn between anger and a fierce

excitement, hearing the phone click down as I started past and feeling her

swirl against me and I was lost, for the conflict between the ideological and

the biological, duty and desire, had become too subtly confused. I went to

her, thinking, Let them break down the door, whosoever will, let them come.

I DIDN’T know whether I was awake or dreaming. It was dead quiet,

yet I was certain that there had been a noise and that it had come from

across the room as she beside me made a soft sighing sound. It was strange.

My mind revolved. I was chased out of a chinkapin woods by a bull. I ran

up a hill; the whole hill heaved. I heard the sound and looked up to see the

man looking straight at me from where he stood in the dim light of the hall,

looking in with neither interest nor surprise. His face expressionless, his eyes

staring. There was the sound of even breathing. Then I heard her stir beside

me.

“Oh, hello, dear,” she said, her voice sounding far away. “Back so

soon?”

“Yes,” he said. “Wake me early, I have a lot to do.”

“I’ll remember, dear,” she said sleepily. “Have a good night’s rest . .

.”

“Night, and you too,” he said with a short dry laugh.

The door closed. I lay there in the dark for a while, breathing

rapidly. It was strange. I reached out and touched her. There was no answer.

I leaned over her, feeling her breath breezing warm and pure against my face.

I wanted to linger there, experiencing the sensation of something precious

perilously attained too late and now to be lost forever — a poignancy. But it

was as though she’d never been awake and if she should awaken now, she’d

scream, shriek. I slid hurriedly from the bed, keeping my eye on that part of

the darkness from where the light had come as I tried to find my clothes. I

blundered around, finding a chair, an empty chair. Where were my clothes?

What a fool! Why had I gotten myself into such a situation? I felt my way

naked through darkness, found the chair with my clothes, dressed hurriedly

and slipped out, halting only at the door to look back through the dim light

from the hall. She slept without sigh or smile, a beautiful dreamer, one ivory

arm flung above her jet-black head. My heart pounded as I closed the door

and went down the hall, expecting the man, men, crowds — to halt me. Then

I was taking the stairs.

The building was quiet. In the lobby the doorman dozed, his starched

bib buckling beneath his chin with his breathing, his white head bare. I

reached the street limp with perspiration, still unsure whether I had seen the

man or had dreamed him. Could I have seen him without his seeing me? Or

again, had he seen me and been silent out of sophistication, decadence,

over-civilization? I hurried down the street, my anxiety growing with each

step. Why hadn’t he said something, recognized me, cursed me? Attacked me?

Or at least been outraged with her? And what if it were a test to discover

how I would react to such pressure? It was, after all, a point upon which our

enemies would attack us violently. I walked in a sweat of agony. Why did

they have to mix their women into everything? Between us and everything we

wanted to change in the world they placed a woman: socially, politically,

economically. Why, goddamit, why did they insist upon confusing the class

struggle with the ass struggle, debasing both us and them — all human

motives?

All the next day I was in a state of exhaustion, waiting tensely for

the plan to be revealed. Now I was certain that the man had been in the

doorway, a man with a brief case who had looked in and given no definite

sign that he had seen me. A man who had spoken like an indifferent

husband, but who yet seemed to recall to me some important member of the

Brotherhood — someone so familiar that my failure to identify him was

driving me almost to distraction. My work lay untouched before me. Each

ring of the telephone filled me with dread. I toyed with Tarp’s leg chain.

If they don’t call by four o’clock, I’m saved, I told myself. But still

no sign, not even a call to a meeting. Finally I rang her number, hearing her

voice, delighted, gay and discreet; but no mention of the night or the man.

And hearing her so composed and gay I was too embarrassed to bring it up.

Perhaps this was the sophisticated and civilized way? Perhaps he was there

and they had an understanding, a woman with full rights.

Would I return for further discussion, she wanted to know.

“Yes, of course,” I said.

“Oh, Brother,” she said.

I hung up with a mixture of relief and anxiety, unable to shrug off

the notion that I had been tested and had failed. I went through the next

week puzzling over it, and even more confused because I knew nothing

definite of where I stood. I tried to detect any changes in my relations with

Brother Jack and the others, but they gave no sign. And even if they had, I

wouldn’t have known its definite meaning, for it might have had to do with

the charges. I was caught between guilt and innocence, so that now they

seemed one and the same. My nerves were in a state of constant tension, my

face took on a stiff, non-committal expression, beginning to look like Brother

Jack’s and the other leaders’. Then I relaxed a bit; work had to be done and

I would play the waiting game. And despite my guilt and uncertainty I

learned to forget that I was a lone guilty black Brother and to go striding

confidently into a roomful of whites. It was chin up, a not too wide-stretched

smile, the out-thrust hand for the firm warm hand shake. And with it just

the proper mixture of arrogance and down-to-earth humility to satisfy all. I

threw myself into the lectures, defending, asserting the rights of women; and

though the girls continued to buzz around, I was careful to keep the

biological and ideological carefully apart — which wasn’t always easy, for it

was as though many of the sisters were agreed among themselves (and

assumed that I accepted it) that the ideological was merely a superfluous veil

for the real concerns of life.

I found that most downtown audiences seemed to expect some

unnamed something whenever I appeared. I could sense it the moment I

stood before them, and it had nothing to do with anything I might say. For I

had merely to appear before them, and from the moment they turned their

eyes upon me they seemed to undergo a strange unburdening — not of

laughter, nor of tears, nor of any stable, unmixed emotion. I didn’t get it.

And my guilt was aroused. Once in the middle of a passage I looked into the

sea of faces and thought, Do they know? Is that it? — and almost ruined my

lecture. But of one thing I was certain, it was not the same attitude they held

for certain other black brothers who entertained them with stories so often

that they laughed even before these fellows opened their mouths. No, it was

something else. A form of expectancy, a mood of waiting, a hoping for

something like justification; as though they expected me to be more than just

another speaker, or an entertainer. Something seemed to occur that was

hidden from my own consciousness. I acted out a pantomime more eloquent

than my most expressive words. I was a partner to it but could no more

fathom it than I could the mystery of the man in the doorway. Perhaps, I

told myself, it’s in your voice, after all. In your voice and in their desire to

see in you a living proof of their belief in Brotherhood, and to ease my mind

I stopped thinking about it.

Then one night when I had fallen asleep while making notes for a

new series of lectures, the phone summoned me to an emergency meeting at

headquarters, and I left the house with feelings of dread. This is it, I thought,

either the charges or the woman. To be tripped up by a woman! What would

I say to them, that she was irresistible and I human? What had that to do

with responsibility, with building Brotherhood?

It was all I could do to make myself go, and I arrived late. The

room was sweltering; three small fans stirred the heavy air, and the brothers

sat in their shirtsleeves around a scarred table upon which a pitcher of iced

water glistened with beads of moisture.

“Brothers, I’m sorry I’m late,” I apologized. “There were some

important last-minute details concerning tomorrow’s lecture that kept me.”

“Then you might have saved yourself the trouble and the committee

this lost time,” Brother Jack said.

“I don’t understand you,” I said, suddenly feverish.

“He means that you are no longer to concern yourself with the

Woman Question. That’s ended,” Brother Tobitt said; and I braced myself for

the attack, but before I could respond Brother Jack fired a startling question

at me.

“What has become of Brother Tod Clifton?”

“Brother Clifton — why, I haven’t seen him in weeks. I’ve been too

busy downtown here. What’s happened?”

“He has disappeared,” Brother Jack said, “disappeared! So don’t waste

time with superfluous questions. You weren’t sent for for that.”

“But how long has this been known?”

Brother Jack struck the table. “All we know is that he’s gone. Let’s

get on with our business. You, Brother, are to return to Harlem immediately.

We’re facing a crisis there, since Brother Tod Clifton has not only disappeared

but failed in his assignment. On the other hand, Ras the Exhorter and his

gang of racist gangsters are taking advantage of this and are increasing their

agitation. You are to get back there and take measures to regain our strength

in the community. You’ll be given the forces you need and you’ll report to us

for a strategy meeting about which you’ll be notified tomorrow. And please,”

he emphasized with his gavel, “be on time!”

I was so relieved that none of my own problems were discussed that

I didn’t linger to ask if the police had been consulted about the

disappearance. Something was wrong with the whole deal, for Clifton was too

responsible and had too much to gain simply to have disappeared. Did it

have any connection with Ras the Exhorter? But that seemed unlikely; Harlem

was one of our strongest districts, and just a month ago when I was shifted

Ras would have been laughed off the street had he tried to attack us. If only

I hadn’t been so careful not to offend the committee I would have kept in

closer contact with Clifton and the whole Harlem membership. Now it was as

though I had been suddenly awakened from a deep sleep.

Chapter 20

I had been away long enough for the streets to seem strange. The

uptown rhythms were slower and yet were somehow faster; a different tension

was in the hot night air. I made my way through the summer crowds, not to

the district but to Barrelhouse’s Jolly Dollar, a dark hole of a bar and grill

on upper Eighth Avenue, where one of my best contacts, Brother Maceo,

could usually be found about this time, having his evening’s beer.

Looking through the window, I could see men in working clothes and

a few rummy women leaning at the bar, and down the aisle between the bar

and counter were a couple of men in black and blue checked sport shirts

eating barbecue. A cluster of men and women hovered near the juke box at

the rear. But when I went in Brother Maceo wasn’t among them and I

pushed to the bar, deciding to wait over a beer.

“Good evening, Brothers,” I said, finding myself beside two men

whom I had seen around before; only to have them look at me oddly, the

eyebrows of the tall one raising at a drunken angle as he looked at the other.

“Shit,” the tall man said.

“You said it, man; he a relative of yourn?”

“Shit, he goddam sho ain’t no kin of mine!”

I turned and looked at them, the room suddenly cloudy.

“He must be drunk,” the second man said. “Maybe he thinks he’s kin

to you.”

“Then his whiskey’s telling him a damn lie. I wouldn’t be his kin

even if I was — Hey, Barrelhouse!”

I moved away, down the bar, looking at them out of a feeling of

suspense. They didn’t sound drunk and I had said nothing to offend, and I

was certain that they knew who I was. What was it? The Brotherhood

greeting was as familiar as “Give me some skin” or “Peace, it’s wonderful.”

I saw Barrelhouse rolling down from the other end of the bar, his

white apron indented by the tension of its cord so that he looked like that

kind of metal beer barrel which has a groove around its middle; and seeing

me now, he began to smile.

“Well, I’ll be damned if it ain’t the good brother,” he said, stretching

out his hand. “Brother, where you been keeping yourself?”

“I’ve been working downtown,” I said, feeling a surge of gratitude.

“Fine, fine!” Barrelhouse said.

“Business good?”

“I’d rather not discuss it, Brother. Business is bad. Very bad.”

“I’m sorry to hear it. You’d better give me a beer,” I said, “after

you’ve served these gentlemen.” I watched them in the mirror.

“Sure thing,” Barrelhouse said, reaching for a glass and drawing a

beer. “What you putting down, ole man?” he said to the tall man.

“Look here, Barrel, we wanted to ask you one question,” the tall one

said. “We just wanted to know if you could tell us just whose brother this

here cat’s supposed to be? He come in here just now calling everybody

brother.”

“He’s my brother,” Barrel said, holding the foaming glass between his

long fingers. “Anything wrong with that?”

“Look, fellow,” I said down the bar, “that’s our way of speaking. I

meant no harm in calling you brother. I’m sorry you misunderstood me.”

“Brother, here’s your beer,” Barrelhouse said.

“So he’s your brother, eh, Barrel?”

Barrel’s eyes narrowed as he pressed his huge chest across the bar,

looking suddenly sad. “You enjoying yourself, MacAdams?” he said gloomily.

“You like your beer?”

“Sho,” MacAdams said.

“It cold enough?”

“Sho, but Barrel –”

“You like the groovy music on the juke?” Barrelhouse said.

“Hell, yes, but –”

“And you like our good, clean, sociable atmosphere?”

“Sho, but that ain’t what I’m talking about,” the man said.

“Yeah, but that’s what I’m talking about,” Barrelhouse said

mournfully. “And if you like it, like it, and don’t start trying to bug my other

customers. This here man’s done more for the community than you’ll ever

do.”

“What community?” MacAdams said, cutting his eyes around toward

me. “I hear he got the white fever and left . . .”

“You liable to hear anything,” Barrelhouse said. “There’s some paper

back there in the gents’ room. You ought to wipe out your ears.”

“Never mind my ears.”

“Aw come” on, Mac,” his friend said. “Forgit it. Ain’t the man done

apologized?”

“I said never mind my ears,” MacAdams said. “You just tell your

brother he ought to be careful ’bout who he claims as kinfolks. Some of us

don’t think so much of his kind of politics.”

I looked from one to the other. I considered myself beyond the stage

of street-fighting, and one of the worst things I could do upon returning to

the community was to engage in a brawl. I looked at MacAdams and was

glad when the other man pushed him down the bar.

“That MacAdams thinks he’s right,” Barrelhouse said. “He’s the kind

caint nobody please. Be frank though, there’s lots feel like that now.”

I shook my head in bafflement. I’d never met that kind of

antagonism before. “What’s happened to Brother Maceo?” I said.

“I don’t know, Brother. He don’t come in so regular these days.

Things are kinda changing up here. Ain’t much money floating around.”

“Times are hard everywhere. But what’s been going on up here,

Barrel?” I said.

“Oh, you know how it is, Brother; things are tight and lots of folks

who got jobs through you people have lost them. You know how it goes.”

“You mean people in our organization?”

“Quite a few of them are. Fellows like Brother Maceo.”

“But why? They were doing all right.”

“Sure they was — as long as you people was fighting for ’em. But the

minute y’all stopped, they started throwing folks out on the street.”

I looked at him, big and sincere before me. It was unbelievable that

the Brotherhood had stopped its work, and yet he wasn’t lying. “Give me

another beer,” I said. Then someone called him from the back, and he drew

the beer and left.

I drank it slowly, hoping Brother Maceo would appear before I had

finished. When he didn’t I waved to Barrelhouse and left for the district.

Perhaps Brother Tarp could explain; or at least tell me something about

Clifton.

I walked through the dark block over to Seventh and started down;

things were beginning to look serious. Along the way I saw not a single sign

of Brotherhood activity. In a hot side street I came upon a couple striking

matches along the curb, kneeling as though looking for a lost coin, the

matches flaring dimly in their faces. Then I found myself in a strangely

familiar block and broke out in a sweat: I had walked almost to Mary’s door,

and turned now and hurried away.

Barrelhouse had prepared me for the darkened windows of the

district, but not, when I let myself in, to call in vain through the dark to

Brother Tarp. I went to the room where he slept, but he was not there; then

I went through the dark hall to my old office and threw myself into my desk

chair, exhausted. Everything seemed to be slipping away from me and I could

find no quick absorbing action that would get it under control. I tried to

think of whom among the district committee I might call for information

concerning Clifton, but here again I was balked. For if I selected one who

believed that I had requested to be transferred because I hated my own

people it would only complicate matters. No doubt there would be some

who’d resent my return, so it was best to confront them all at once without

giving any one of them the opportunity to organize any sentiment against me.

It was best that I talk with Brother Tarp, whom I trusted. When he came in

he could give me an idea of the state of affairs, and perhaps tell me what

had actually happened to Clifton.

But Brother Tarp didn’t arrive. I went out and got a container of

coffee and returned to spend the night poring over the district’s records.

When he hadn’t returned by three A.M. I went to his room and took a look

around. It was empty, even the bed was gone. I’m all alone, I thought. A lot

has occurred about which I wasn’t told; something that had not only stifled

the members’ interest but which, according to the records, had sent them

away in droves. Barrelhouse had said that the organization had quit fighting,

and that was the only explanation I could find for Brother Tarp’s leaving.

Unless, of course, he’d had disagreements with Clifton or some of the other

leaders. And now returning to my desk I noticed his gift of Douglass’ portrait

was gone. I felt in my pocket for the leg chain, at least I hadn’t forgotten to

take that along. I pushed the records aside; they told me nothing of why

things were as they were. Picking up the telephone I called Clifton’s number,

hearing it ring on and on. Finally I gave it up and went to sleep in my

chair. Everything had to wait until the strategy meeting. Returning to the

district was like returning to a city of the dead.

Somewhat to my surprise there were a good number of members in

the hall when I awoke, and having no directives from the committee on how

to proceed I organized them into teams to search for Brother Clifton. Not one

could give me any definite information. Brother Clifton had appeared at the

district as usual up to the time of his disappearance. There had been no

quarrels with committee members, and he was as popular as ever. Nor had

there been any clashes with Ras the Exhorter — although in the past week he

had been increasingly active. As for the loss of membership and influence, it

was a result of a new program which had called for the shelving of our old

techniques of agitation. There had been, to my surprise, a switch in emphasis

from local issues to those more national and international in scope, and it

was felt that for the moment the interests of Harlem were not of first

importance. I didn’t know what to make of it, since there had been no such

change of program downtown. Clifton was forgotten, everything which I was

to do now seemed to depend upon getting an explanation from the

committee, and I waited with growing agitation to be called to the strategy

meeting.

Such meetings were usually held around one o’clock and we were

notified well ahead. But by eleven-thirty I had received no word and I

became worried. By twelve an uneasy sense of isolation took hold of me.

Something was cooking, but what, how, why? Finally I phoned headquarters,

but could reach none of the leaders. What is this, I wondered; then I called

the leaders of other districts with the same results. And now I was certain

that the meeting was being held. But why without me? Had they investigated

Wrestrum’s charges and decided they were true? It seemed that the

membership had fallen off after I had gone downtown. Or was it the woman?

Whatever it was, now was not the time to leave me out of a meeting; things

were too urgent in the district. I hurried down to headquarters.

When I arrived the meeting was in session, just as I expected, and

word had been left that it was not to be disturbed by anyone. It was obvious

that they hadn’t forgotten to notify me. I left the building in a rage. Very

well, I thought, when they do decide to call me they’ll have to find me. I

should never have been shifted in the first place, and now that I was sent

back to clean up the mess they should aid me as quickly as possible. I would

do no more running downtown, nor would I accept any program that they

sent up without consulting the Harlem committee. Then I decided, of all

things, to shop for a pair of new shoes, and walked over to Fifth Avenue.

It was hot, the walks still filled with noontime crowds moving with

reluctance back to their jobs. I moved along close to the curb to avoid the

bumping and agitated changes of pace, the chattering women in summer

dresses, finally entering the leather-smelling, air-cooled interior of the shoe

store with a sense of relief.

My feet felt light in the new summer shoes as I went back into the

blazing heat, and I recalled the old boyhood pleasure of discarding winter

shoes for sneakers and the neighborhood foot races that always followed, that

light-footed, speedy, floating sensation. Well, I thought, you’ve run your last

foot race and you’d better get back to the district in case you’re called. I

hurried now, my feet feeling trim and light as I moved through the oncoming

rush of sunbeaten faces. To avoid the crowd on Forty-second Street I turned

off at Forty-third and it was here that things began to boil.

A small fruit wagon with an array of bright peaches and pears stood

near the curb, and the vendor, a florid man with bulbous nose and bright

black Italian eyes, looked at me knowingly from beneath his huge

white-and-orange umbrella then over toward a crowd that had formed

alongside the building across the street. What’s wrong with him? I thought.

Then I was across the street and passing the group standing with their backs

to me. A clipped, insinuating voice spieled words whose meaning I couldn’t

catch and I was about to pass on when I saw the boy. He was a slender

brown fellow whom I recognized immediately as a close friend of Clifton’s,

and who now was looking intently across the tops of cars to where down the

block near the post office on the other side a tall policeman was approaching.

Perhaps he’ll know something, I thought, as he looked around to see me and

stopped in confusion.

“Hello, there,” I began, and when he turned toward the crowd and

whistled I didn’t know whether he was telling me to do the same or

signalling to someone else. I swung around, seeing him step to where a large

carton sat beside the building and sling its canvas straps to his shoulder as

once more he looked toward the policeman, ignoring me. Puzzled, I moved

into the crowd and pressed to the front where at my feet I saw a square

piece of cardboard upon which something was moving with furious action. It

was some kind of toy and I glanced at the crowd’s fascinated eyes and down

again, seeing it clearly this time. I’d seen nothing like it before. A grinning

doll of orange-and-black tissue paper with thin flat cardboard disks forming

its head and feet and which some mysterious mechanism was causing to

move up and down in a loose-jointed, shoulder-shaking, infuriatingly sensuous

motion, a dance that was completely detached from the black, mask-like face.

It’s no jumping-jack, but what, I thought, seeing the doll throwing itself about

with the fierce defiance of someone performing a degrading act in public,

dancing as though it received a perverse pleasure from its motions. And

beneath the chuckles of the crowd I could hear the swishing of its ruffled

paper, while the same out-of-the-corner-of-the-mouth voice continued to spiel:

Shake it up! Shake it up!

He’s Sambo, the dancing doll, ladies and gentlemen.

Shake him, stretch him by the neck and set him down,

— He’ll do the rest. Yes!

He’ll make you laugh, he’ll make you sigh, si-igh.

He’ll make you want to dance, and dance —

Here you are, ladies and gentlemen, Sambo,

The dancing doll.

Buy one for your baby. Take him to your girl friend and she’ll love

you, loove you!

He’ll keep you entertained. He’ll make you weep sweet —

Tears from laughing.

Shake him, shake him, you cannot break him

For he’s Sambo, the dancing, Sambo, the prancing,

Sambo, the entrancing, Sambo Boogie Woogie paper doll.

And all for twenty-five cents, the quarter part of a dollar . . .

Ladies and gentlemen, he’ll bring you joy, step up and meet him,

Sambo the —

I knew I should get back to the district but I was held by the

inanimate, boneless bouncing of the grinning doll and struggled between the

desire to join in the laughter and to leap upon it with both feet, when it

suddenly collapsed and I saw the tip of the spieler’s toe press upon the

circular cardboard that formed the feet and a broad black hand come down,

its fingers deftly lifting the doll’s head and stretching it upward, twice its

length, then releasing it to dance again. And suddenly the voice didn’t go

with the hand. It was as though I had waded out into a shallow pool only to

have the bottom drop out and the water close over my head. I looked up.

“Not you . . .” I began. But his eyes looked past me deliberately

unseeing. I was paralyzed, looking at him, knowing I wasn’t dreaming,

hearing:

What makes him happy, what makes him dance,

This Sambo, this jambo, this high-stepping joy boy?

He’s more than a toy, ladies and gentlemen, he’s Sambo, the dancing

doll, the twentieth-century miracle.

Look at that rumba, that suzy-q, he’s Sambo-Boogie,

Sambo-Woogie, you don’t have to feed him, he sleeps collapsed, he’ll

kill your depression

And your dispossession, he lives upon the sunshine of your lordly

smile

And only twenty-five cents, the brotherly two bits of a dollar because

he wants me to eat.

It gives him pleasure to see me eat.

You simply take him and shake him . . . and he does the rest.

Thank you, lady . . .

It was Clifton, riding easily back and forth on his knees, flexing his

legs without shifting his feet, his right shoulder raised at an angle and his

arm pointing stiffly at the bouncing doll as he spieled from the corner of his

mouth.

The whistle came again, and I saw him glance quickly toward his

lookout, the boy with the carton.

“Who else wants little Sambo before we take it on the lambo? Speak

up, ladies and gentlemen, who wants little . . . ?”

And again the whistle. “Who wants Sambo, the dancing, prancing?

Hurry, hurry, ladies and gentlemen. There’s no license for little Sambo, the

joy spreader. You can’t tax joy, so speak up, ladies and gentlemen . . .”

For a second our eyes met and he gave me a contemptuous smile,

then he spieled again. I felt betrayed. I looked at the doll and felt my throat

constrict. The rage welled behind the phlegm as I rocked back on my heels

and crouched forward. There was a flash of whiteness and a splatter like

heavy rain striking a newspaper and I saw the doll go over backwards, wilting

into a dripping rag of frilled tissue, the hateful head upturned on its

outstretched neck still grinning toward the sky. The crowd turned on me

indignantly. The whistle came again. I saw a short pot-bellied man look

down, then up at me with amazement and explode with laughter, pointing

from me to the doll, rocking. People backed away from me. I saw Clifton step

close to the building where beside the fellow with the carton I now saw a

whole chorus-line of dolls flouncing themselves with a perverse increase of

energy and the crowd laughing hysterically.

“You, you!” I began, only to see him pick up two of the dolls and

step forward. But now the lookout came close. “He’s coming,” he said,

nodding toward the approaching policeman as he swept up the dolls, dropping

them into the carton and starting away.

“Follow little Sambo around the corner, ladies and gentlemen,” Clifton

called. “There’s a great show coming up . . .”

It happened so fast that in a second only I and an old lady in a

blue polka-dot dress were left. She looked at me then back to the walk,

smiling. I saw one of the dolls. I looked. She was still smiling and I raised

my foot to crush it, hearing her cry, “Oh, no!” The policeman was just

opposite and I reached down instead, picking it up and walking off in the

same motion. I examined it, strangely weightless in my hand, half expecting

to feel it pulse with life. It was a still frill of paper. I dropped it in the

pocket where I carried Brother Tarp’s chain link and started after the

vanished crowd. But I couldn’t face Clifton again. I didn’t want to see him. I

might forget myself and attack him. I went in the other direction, toward

Sixth Avenue, past the policeman. What a way to find him, I thought. What

had happened to Clifton? It was all so wrong, so unexpected. How on earth

could he drop from Brotherhood to this in so short a time? And why if he

had to fall back did he try to carry the whole structure with him? What

would non-members who knew him say? It was as though he had chosen —

how had he put it the night he fought with Ras? — to fall outside of history.

I stopped in the middle of the walk with the thought. “To plunge,” he had

said. But he knew that only in the Brotherhood could we make ourselves

known, could we avoid being empty Sambo dolls. Such an obscene flouncing

of everything human! My God! And I had been worrying about being left out

of a meeting! I’d overlook it a thousand times; no matter why I wasn’t called.

I’d forget it and hold on desperately to Brotherhood with all my strength. For

to break away would be to plunge . . . To plunge! And those dolls, where

had they found them? Why had he picked that way to earn a quarter? Why

not sell apples or song sheets, or shine shoes?

I wandered past the subway and continued around the corner to

Forty-second Street, my mind grappling for meaning. And when I came

around the corner onto the crowded walk into the sun, they were already

lining the curb and shading their faces with their hands. I saw the traffic

moving with the lights, and across the street a few pedestrians were looking

back toward the center of the block where the trees of Bryant Park rose

above two men. I saw a flight of pigeons whirl out of the trees and it all

happened in the swift interval of their circling, very abruptly and in the noise

of the traffic — yet seeming to unfold in my mind like a slow-motion movie

run off with the sound track dead.

At first I thought it was a cop and a shoeshine boy; then there was

a break in the traffic and across the sun-glaring bands of trolley rails I

recognized Clifton. His partner had disappeared now and Clifton had the box

slung to his left shoulder with the cop moving slowly behind and to one side

of him. They were coming my way, passing a newsstand, and I saw the rails

in the asphalt and a fire plug at the curb and the flying birds, and thought,

You’ll have to follow and pay his fine . . . just as the cop pushed him, jolting

him forward and Clifton trying to keep the box from swinging against his leg

and saying something over his shoulder and going forward as one of the

pigeons swung down into the street and up again, leaving a feather floating

white in the dazzling backlight of the sun, and I could see the cop push

Clifton again, stepping solidly forward in his black shirt, his arm shooting out

stiffly, sending him in a head-snapping forward stumble until he caught

himself, saying something over his shoulder again, the two moving in a kind

of march that I’d seen many times, but never with anyone like Clifton. And I

could see the cop bark a command and lunge forward, thrusting out his arm

and missing, thrown off balance as suddenly Clifton spun on his toes like a

dancer and swung his right arm over and around in a short, jolting arc, his

torso carrying forward and to the left in a motion that sent the box strap

free as his right foot traveled forward and his left arm followed through in a

floating uppercut that sent the cop’s cap sailing into the street and his feet

flying, to drop him hard, rocking from left to right on the walk as Clifton

kicked the box thudding aside and crouched, his left foot forward, his hands

high, waiting. And between the flashing of cars I could see the cop propping

himself on his elbows like a drunk trying to get his head up, shaking it and

thrusting it forward — And somewhere between the dull roar of traffic and

the subway vibrating underground I heard rapid explosions and saw each

pigeon diving wildly as though blackjacked by the sound, and the cop sitting

up straight now, and rising to his knees looking steadily at Clifton, and the

pigeons plummeting swiftly into the trees, and Clifton still facing the cop and

suddenly crumpling.

He fell forward on his knees, like a man saying his prayers just as a

heavy-set man in a hat with a turned-down brim stepped from around the

newsstand and yelled a protest. I couldn’t move. The sun seemed to scream

an inch above my head. Someone shouted. A few men were starting into the

street. The cop was standing now and looking down at Clifton as though

surprised, the gun in his hand. I took a few steps forward, walking blindly

now, unthinking, yet my mind registering it all vividly. Across and starting up

on the curb, and seeing Clifton up closer now, lying in the same position, on

his side, a huge wetness growing on his shirt, and I couldn’t set my foot

down. Cars sailed close behind me, but 1 couldn’t take the step that would

raise me up to the walk. I stood there, one leg in the street and the other

raised above the curb, hearing whistles screeching and looked toward the

library to see two cops coming on in a lunging, big-bellied run. I looked back

to Clifton, the cop was waving me away with his gun, sounding like a boy

with a changing voice.

“Get back on the other side,” he said. He was the cop that I’d

passed on Forty-third a few minutes before. My mouth was dry.

“He’s a friend of mine, I want to help . . .” I said, finally stepping

upon the curb.

“He don’t need no help, Junior. Get across that street!”

The cop’s hair hung on the sides of his face, his uniform was dirty,

and I watched him without emotion, hesitated, hearing the sound of footfalls

approaching. Everything seemed slowed down. A pool formed slowly on the

walk. My eyes blurred. I raised my head. The cop looked at me curiously.

Above in the park I could hear the furious flapping of wings; on my neck,

the pressure of eyes. I turned. A round-headed, apple-cheeked boy with a

thickly freckled nose and Slavic eyes leaned over the fence of the park above,

and now as he saw me turn, he shrilled something to someone behind him,

his face lighting up with ecstasy . . . What does it mean, I wondered, turning

back to that to which I did not wish to turn.

There were three cops now, one watching the crowd and the others

looking at Clifton. The first cop had his cap on again.

“Look, Junior,” he said very clearly, “I had enough trouble for today

— you going to get on across that street?”

I opened my mouth but nothing would come. Kneeling, one of the

cops was examining Clifton and making notes on a pad.

“I’m his friend,” I said, and the one making notes looked up.

“He’s a cooked pigeon, Mac,” he said. “You ain’t got any friend any

more.”

I looked at him.

“Hey, Mickey,” the boy above us called, “the guy’s out cold!”

I looked down. “That’s right,” the kneeling cop said. “What’s your

name?”

I told him. I answered his questions about Clifton as best I could

until the wagon came. For once it came quickly. I watched numbly as they

moved him inside, placing the box of dolls in with him. Across the street the

crowd still churned. Then the wagon was gone and I started back toward the

subway.

“Say, mister,” the boy’s voice shrilled down. “Your friend sure knows

how to use his dukes. Biff, bang! One, two, and the cop’s on his ass!”

I bowed my head to this final tribute, and now walking away in the

sun I tried to erase the scene from my mind.

I WANDERED down the subway stairs seeing nothing, my mind

plunging. The subway was cool and I leaned against a pillar, hearing the roar

of trains passing across on the other side, feeling the rushing roar of air.

Why should a man deliberately plunge outside of history and peddle an

obscenity, my mind went on abstractedly. Why should he choose to disarm

himself, give up his voice and leave the only organization offering him a

chance to “define” himself? The platform vibrated and I looked down. Bits of

paper whirled up in the passage of air, settling quickly as a train moved past.

Why had he turned away? Why had he chosen to step off the platform and

fall beneath the train? Why did he choose to plunge into nothingness, into

the void of faceless faces, of soundless voices, lying outside history? I tried to

step away and look at it from a distance of words read in books,

half-remembered. For history records the patterns of men’s lives, they say:

Who slept with whom and with what results; who fought and who won and

who lived to lie about it afterwards. All things, it is said, are duly recorded —

all things of importance, that is. But not quite, for actually it is only the

known, the seen, the heard and only those events that the recorder regards as

important that are put down, those lies his keepers keep their power by. But

the cop would be Clifton’s historian, his judge, his witness, and his

executioner, and I was the only brother in the watching crowd. And I, the

only witness for the defense, knew neither the extent of his guilt nor the

nature of his crime. Where were the historians today? And how would they

put it down?

I stood there with the trains plunging in and out, throwing blue

sparks. What did they ever think of us transitory ones? Ones such as I had

been before I found Brotherhood — birds of passage who were too obscure

for learned classification, too silent for the most sensitive recorders of sound;

of natures too ambiguous for the most ambiguous words, and too distant

from the centers of historical decision to sign or even to applaud the signers

of historical documents? We who write no novels, histories or other books.

What about us, I thought, seeing Clifton again in my mind and going to sit

upon a bench as a cool gust of air rolled up the tunnel.

A body of people came down the platform, some of them Negroes.

Yes, I thought, what about those of us who shoot up from the South into the

busy city like wild jacks-in-the-box broken loose from our springs — so

sudden that our gait becomes like that of deep-sea divers suffering from the

bends? What about those fellows waiting still and silent there on the

platform, so still and silent that they clash with the crowd in their very

immobility; standing noisy in their very silence; harsh as a cry of terror in

their quietness? What about those three boys, coming now along the platform,

tall and slender, walking stiffly with swinging shoulders in their well-pressed,

too-hot-for-summer suits, their collars high and tight about their necks, their

identical hats of black cheap felt set upon the crowns of their heads with a

severe formality above their hard conked hair? It was as though I’d never

seen their like before: Walking slowly, their shoulders swaying, their legs

swinging from their hips in trousers that ballooned upward from cuffs fitting

snug about their ankles; their coats long and hip-tight with shoulders far too

broad to be those of natural western men. These fellows whose bodies seemed

— what had one of my teachers said of me? — “You’re like one of these

African sculptures, distorted in the interest of a design.” Well, what design

and whose?

I stared as they seemed to move like dancers in some kind of funeral

ceremony, swaying, going forward, their black faces secret, moving slowly

down the subway platform, the heavy heel-plated shoes making a rhythmical

tapping as they moved. Everyone must have seen them, or heard their muted

laughter, or smelled the heavy pomade on their hair — or perhaps failed to

see them at all. For they were men outside of historical time, they were

untouched, they didn’t believe in Brotherhood, no doubt had never heard of

it; or perhaps like Clifton would mysteriously have rejected its mysteries; men

of transition whose faces were immobile.

I got up and went behind them. Women shoppers with bundles and

impatient men in straw hats and seersucker suits stood along the platform as

they passed. And suddenly I found myself thinking, Do they come to bury the

others or to be entombed, to give life or to receive it? Do the others see

them, think about them, even those standing close enough to speak? And if

they spoke back, would the impatient businessmen in conventional suits and

tired housewives with their plunder, understand? What would they say? For

the boys speak a jived-up transitional language full of country glamour, think

transitional thoughts, though perhaps they dream the same old ancient

dreams. They were men out of time — unless they found Brotherhood. Men

out of time, who would soon be gone and forgotten . . . But who knew (and

now I began to tremble so violently I had to lean against a refuse can) —

who knew but that they were the saviors, the true leaders, the bearers of

something precious? The stewards of something uncomfortable, burdensome,

which they hated because, living outside the realm of history, there was no

one to applaud their value and they themselves failed to understand it. What

if Brother Jack were wrong? What if history was a gambler, instead of a force

in a laboratory experiment, and the boys his ace in the hole? What if history

was not a reasonable citizen, but a madman full of paranoid guile and these

boys his agents, his big surprise! His own revenge? For they were outside, in

the dark with Sambo, the dancing paper doll; taking it on the lambo with my

fallen brother, Tod Clifton (Tod, Tod) running and dodging the forces of

history instead of making a dominating stand.

A train came. I followed them inside. There were many seats and the

three sat together. I stood, holding onto the center pole, looking down the

length of the car. On one side I saw a white nun in black telling her beads,

and standing before the door across the aisle there was another dressed

completely in white, the exact duplicate of the other except that she was

black and her black feet bare. Neither of the nuns was looking at the other

but at their crucifixes, and suddenly I laughed and a verse I’d heard long ago

at the Golden Day paraphrased itself in my mind:

Bread and Wine,

Bread and Wine,

Your cross ain’t nearly so

Heavy as mine . . .

And the nuns rode on with lowered heads.

I looked at the boys. They sat as formally as they walked. From time

to time one of them would look at his reflection in the window and give his

hat brim a snap, the others watching him silently, communicating ironically

with their eyes, then looking straight ahead. I staggered with the lunging of

the train, feeling the overhead fans driving the hot air down upon me. What

was I in relation to the boys, I wondered. Perhaps an accident, like Douglass.

Perhaps each hundred years or so men like them, like me, appeared in

society, drifting through; and yet by all historical logic we, I, should have

disappeared around the first part of the nineteenth century, rationalized out of

existence. Perhaps, like them, I was a throwback, a small distant meteorite

that died several hundred years ago and now lived only by virtue of the light

that speeds through space at too great a pace to realize that its source has

become a piece of lead . . . This was silly, such thoughts. I looked at the

boys; one tapped another on the knee, and I saw him remove three rolled

magazines from an inner pocket, passing two around and keeping one for

himself. The others took theirs silently and began to read in complete

absorption. One held his magazine high before his face and for an instant I

saw a vivid scene: The shining rails, the fire hydrant, the fallen policeman,

the diving birds and in the mid-ground, Clifton, crumpling. Then I saw the

cover of a comic book and thought, Clifton would have known them better

than I. He knew them all the time. I studied them closely until they left the

train, their shoulders rocking, their heavy heel plates clicking remote, cryptic

messages in the brief silence of the train’s stop.

I came out of the subway, weak, moving through the heat as though

I carried a heavy stone, the weight of a mountain on my shoulders. My new

shoes hurt my feet. Now, moving through the crowds along 125th Street, I

was painfully aware of other men dressed like the boys, and of girls in dark

exotic-colored stockings, their costumes surreal variations of downtown styles.

They’d been there all along, but somehow I’d missed them. I’d missed them

even when my work had been most successful. They were outside the groove

of history, and it was my job to get them in, all of them. I looked into the

design of their faces, hardly a one that was unlike someone I’d known down

South. Forgotten names sang through my head like forgotten scenes in

dreams. I moved with the crowd, the sweat pouring off me, listening to the

grinding roar of traffic, the growing sound of a record shop loudspeaker

blaring a languid blues. I stopped. Was this all that would be recorded? Was

this the only true history of the times, a mood blared by trumpets,

trombones, saxophones and drums, a song with turgid, inadequate words? My

mind flowed. It was as though in this short block I was forced to walk past

everyone I’d ever known and no one would smile or call my name. No one

fixed me in his eyes. I walked in feverish isolation. Near the corner now a

couple of boys darted out of the Five and Ten with handfuls of candy bars,

dropping them along the walks as they ran with a man right behind. They

came toward me, pumping past, and I killed an impulse to trip the man and

was confused all the more when an old woman standing further along threw

out her leg and swung a heavy bag. The man went down, sliding across the

walk as she shook her head in triumph. A pressure of guilt came over me. I

stood on the edge of the walk watching the crowd threatening to attack the

man until a policeman appeared and dispersed them. And although I knew no

one man could do much about it, I felt responsible. All our work had been

very little, no great change had been made. And it was all my fault. I’d been

so fascinated by the motion that I’d forgotten to measure what it was

bringing forth. I’d been asleep, dreaming.

Chapter 21

When I got back to the district a small group of youth members

stopped their joking to welcome me, but I couldn’t break the news. I went

through to the office with only a nod, shutting the door upon their voices

and sat staring out through the trees. The once fresh green of the trees was

dark and drying now and somewhere down below a clothesline peddler

clanged his bell and called. Then, as I fought against it, the scene came back

— not of the death, but of the dolls. Why had I lost my head and spat upon

the doll, I wondered. What had Clifton felt when he saw me? He must have

hated me behind his spiel, yet he’d ignored me. Yes, and been amused by my

political stupidity. I had blown up and acted personally instead of denouncing

the significance of the dolls, him, the obscene idea, and seizing the

opportunity to educate the crowd. We lost no opportunity to educate, and I

had failed. All I’d done was to make them laugh all the louder . . . I had

aided and abetted social backwardness . . . The scene changed — he lay in

the sun and this time I saw a trail of smoke left by a sky-writing plane

lingering in the sky, a large woman in a kelly-green dress stood near me

saying, “Oh, Oh!” . . .

I turned and faced the map, removing the doll from my pocket and

tossing it upon the desk. My stomach surged. To die for such a thing! I

picked it up with an unclean feeling, looked at the frilled paper. The joined

cardboard feet hung down, pulling the paper legs in elastic folds, a

construction of tissue, cardboard and glue. And yet I felt a hatred as for

something alive. What had made it seem to dance? Its cardboard hands were

doubled into fists, the fingers outlined in orange paint, and I noticed that it

had two faces, one on either side of the disk of cardboard, and both grinning.

Clifton’s voice came to me as he spieled his directions for making it dance,

and I held it by the feet and stretched its neck, seeing it crumple and slide

forward. I tried again, turning its other face around. It gave a tired bounce,

shook itself and fell in a heap.

“Go on, entertain me,” I said, giving it a stretch. “You entertained

the crowd.” I turned it around. One face grinned as broadly as the other. It

had grinned back at Clifton as it grinned forward at the crowd, and their

entertainment had been his death. It had still grinned when I played the tool

and spat upon it, and it was still grinning when Clifton ignored me. Then I

saw a fine black thread and pulled it from the trilled paper. There was a

loop tied in the end. I slipped it over my finger and stood stretching it taut.

And this time it danced. Clifton had been making it dance all the time and

the black thread had been invisible.

Why didn’t you hit him? I asked myself; try to break his jaw? Why

didn’t you hurt him and save him? You might have started a fight and both

of you would have been arrested with no shooting . . . But why had he

resisted the cop anyway? He’d been arrested before; he knew how far to go

with a cop. What had the cop said to make him angry enough to lose his

head? And suddenly it occurred to me that he might have been angry before

he resisted, before he’d even seen the cop. My breath became short; I felt

myself go weak. What if he believed I’d sold out? It was a sickening thought.

I sat holding myself as though I might break. For a moment I weighed the

idea, but it was too big for me. I could only accept responsibility for the

living, not for the dead. My mind backed away from the notion. The incident

was political. I looked at the doll, thinking, The political equivalent of such

entertainment is death. But that’s too broad a definition. Its economic

meaning? That the lite of a man is worth the sale of a two-bit paper doll . .

. But that didn’t kill the idea that my anger helped speed him on to death.

And still my mind fought against it. For what had I to do with the crisis that

had broken his integrity? What had I to do with his selling the dolls in the

first place? And finally I had to give that up too. I was no detective, and,

politically, individuals were without meaning. The shooting was all that was

left of him now, Clifton had chosen to plunge out of history and, except for

the picture it made in my mind’s eye, only the plunge was recorded, and that

was the only important thing.

I sat rigid, as though waiting to hear the explosions again, fighting

against the weight that seemed to pull me down. I heard the clothesline

peddler’s bell . . . What would I tell the committee when the newspaper

accounts were out? To hell with them. How would I explain the dolls? But

why should I say anything? What could we do to fight back. That was my

worry. The bell tolled again in the yard below. I looked at the doll. I could

think of no justification for Clifton’s having sold the dolls, but there was

justification enough for giving him a public funeral, and I seized upon the

idea now as though it would save my life. Even though I wanted to turn

away from it as I’d wanted to turn from Clifton’s crumpled body on the walk.

But the odds against us were too great for such weakness. We had to use

every politically effective weapon against them; Clifton understood that. He

had to be buried and I knew of no relatives; someone had to see that he was

placed in the ground. Yes, the dolls were obscene and his act a betrayal. But

he was only a salesman, not the inventor, and it was necessary that we make

it known that the meaning of his death was greater than the incident or the

object that caused it. Both as a means of avenging him and of preventing

other such deaths . . . yes, and of attracting lost members back into the

ranks. It would be ruthless, but a ruthlessness in the interest of Brotherhood,

for we had only our minds and bodies, as against the other side’s vast power.

We had to make the most of what we had. For they had the power to use a

paper doll, first to destroy his integrity and then as an excuse for killing him.

All right, so we’ll use his funeral to put his integrity together again . . . For

that’s all that he had had or wanted. And now I could see the doll only

vaguely and drops of moisture were thudding down upon its absorbent paper

. . .

I was bent over, staring, when the knock came at the door and I

jumped as at a shot, sweeping the doll into my pocket, and hastily wiping my

eyes.

“Come in,” I said.

The door opened slowly. A group of youth members crowded forward,

their faces a question. The girls were crying.

“Is it true?” they said.

“That he is dead? Yes,” I said, looking among them. “Yes.”

“But why . . . ?”

“It was a case of provocation and murder!” I said, my emotions

beginning to turn to anger.

They stood there, their faces questioning me.

“He’s dead,” a girl said, her voice without conviction. “Dead.”

“But what do they mean about his selling dolls?” a tall youth said.

“I don’t know,” I said. “I only know that he was shot down.

Unarmed. I know how you feel, I saw him fall.”

“Take me home,” a girl screamed. “Take me home!”

I stepped forward and caught her, a little brown thing in bobby

socks, holding her against me. “No, we can’t go home,” I said, “none of us.

We’ve got to fight. I’d like to get out into the air and forget it, if I ever

could. What we want is not tears but anger. We must remember now that we

are fighters, and in such incidents we must see the meaning of our struggle.

We must strike back. I want each of you to round up all the members you

can. We’ve got to make our reply.”

One of the girls was still crying piteously when they went out, but

they were moving quickly.

“Come on, Shirley,” they said, taking the girl from my shoulder.

I tried to get in touch with headquarters, but again I was unable to

reach anyone. I called the Chthonian but there was no answer. So I called a

committee of the district’s leading members and we moved slowly ahead on

our own. I tried to find the youth who was with Clifton, but he had

disappeared. Members were set on the streets with cans to solicit funds for

his burial. A committee of three old women went to the morgue to claim his

body. We distributed black-bordered leaflets, denouncing the police

commissioner. Preachers were notified to have their congregations send letters

of protest to the mayor. The story spread. A photograph of Clifton was sent

to the Negro papers and published. People were stirred and angry. Street

meetings were organized. And, released (by the action) from my indecision, I

threw everything I had into organizing the funeral, though moving in a kind

of numb suspension. I didn’t go to bed for two days and nights, but caught

catnaps at my desk. I ate very little.

THE funeral was arranged to attract the largest number. Instead of

holding it in a church or chapel, we selected Mount Morris Park, and an

appeal went out for all former members to join the funeral march.

It took place on a Saturday, in the heat of the afternoon. There was

a thin overcast of clouds, and hundreds of people formed for the procession.

I went around giving orders and encouragement in a feverish daze, and yet

seeming to observe it all from off to one side. Brothers and sisters turned up

whom I hadn’t seen since my return. And members from downtown and

outlying districts. I watched them with surprise as they gathered and

wondered at the depths of their sorrow as the lines began to form.

There were half-draped flags and black banners. There were

black-bordered signs that read:

BROTHER TOD CLIFTON

OUR HOPE SHOT DOWN

There was a hired drum corps with crape-draped drums. There was a

band of thirty pieces. There were no cars and very few flowers.

It was a slow procession and the band played sad, romantic, military

marches. And when the band was silent the drum corps beat the time on

drums with muffled heads. It was hot and explosive, and delivery men

avoided the district and the police details were increased in number. And up

and down the streets people looked out of their apartment windows and men

and boys stood on the roofs in the thin-veiled sun. I marched at the head

with the old community leaders. It was a slow march and as I looked back

from time to time I could see young zoot-suiters, hep cats, and men in

overalls and pool-hall gamblers stepping into the procession. Men came out of

barber shops with lathered faces, their neckcloths hanging, to watch and

comment in hushed voices. And I wondered, Are they all Clifton’s friends, or

is it just for the spectacle, the slow-paced music? A hot wind blew from

behind me, bringing the sick sweetish odor, like the smell of some female

dogs in season.

I looked back. The sun shone down on a mass of unbared heads,

and above flags and banners and shining horns I could see the cheap gray

coffin moving high upon the shoulders of Clifton’s tallest companions, who

from time to time shifted it smoothly on to others. They bore him high and

they bore him proudly and there was an angry sadness in their eyes. The

coffin floated like a heavily loaded ship in a channel, winding its way slowly

above the bowed and submerged heads. I could hear the steady rolling of the

drums with muffled snares, and all other sounds were suspended in silence.

Behind, the tramp of feet; ahead, the crowds lining the curbs for blocks.

There were tears and muffled sobs and many hard, red eyes. We moved

ahead.

We wound through the poorest streets at first, a black image of

sorrow, then turned into Seventh Avenue and down and over to Lenox. Then

I hurried with the leading brothers to the park in a cab. A brother in the

Park Department had opened the lookout tower, and a crude platform of

planks and ranked saw horses had been erected beneath the black iron bell,

and when the procession started into the park we were standing high above,

waiting. At our signal he struck the bell, and I could feel my eardrums

throbbing with the old, hollow, gut-vibrant Doom-Dong-Doom.

Looking down, I could see them winding upward in a mass to the

muffled sound of the drums. Children stopped their playing on the grass to

stare, and nurses at the nearby hospital came out on the roof to watch, their

white uniforms glowing in the now unveiled sun like lilies. And crowds

approached the park from all directions. The muffled drums now beating, now

steadily rolling, spread a dead silence upon the air, a prayer tor the unknown

soldier. And looking down I felt a lostness. Why were they here? Why had

they found us? Because they knew Clifton? Or for the occasion his death gave

them to express their protestations, a time and place to come together, to

stand touching and sweating and breathing and looking in a common

direction? Was either explanation adequate in itself? Did it signify love or

politicalized hate? And could politics ever be an expression of love?

Over the park the silence spread from the slow muffled rolling of the

drums, the crunching of footsteps on the walks. Then somewhere in the

procession an old, plaintive, masculine voice arose in a song, wavering,

stumbling in the silence at first alone, until in the band a euphonium horn

fumbled for the key and took up the air, one catching and rising above the

other and the other pursuing, two black pigeons rising above a skull-white

barn to tumble and rise through still, blue air. And for a few bars the pure

sweet tone of the horn and the old man’s husky baritone sang a duet in the

hot heavy silence. “There’s Many a Thousand Gone.” And standing high up

over the park something fought in my throat. It was a song from the past,

the past of the campus and the still earlier past of home. And now some of

the older ones in the mass were joining in. I hadn’t thought of it as a march

before, but now they were marching to its slow-paced rhythm, up the hill. I

looked for the euphonium player and saw a slender black man with his face

turned toward the sun, singing through the upturned bells of the horn. And

several yards behind, marching beside the young men floating the coffin

upward, I looked into the face of the old man who had aroused the song and

felt a twinge of envy. It was a worn, old, yellow face and his eyes were

closed and I could see a knife welt around his upturned neck as his throat

threw out the song. He sang with his whole body, phrasing each verse as

naturally as he walked, his voice rising above all the others, blending with

that of the lucid horn. I watched him now, wet-eyed, the sun hot upon my

head, and I felt a wonder at the singing mass. It was as though the song had

been there all the time and he knew it and aroused it; and I knew that I

had known it too and had failed to release it out of a vague, nameless shame

or fear. But he had known and aroused it. Even white brothers and sisters

were joining in. I looked into that face, trying to plumb its secret, but it told

me nothing. I looked at the coffin and the marchers, listening to them, and

yet realizing that I was listening to something within myself, and for a second

I heard the shattering stroke of my heart. Something deep had shaken the

crowd, and the old man and the man with the horn had done it. They had

touched upon something deeper than protest, or religion; though now images

of all the church meetings of my life welled up within me with much

suppressed and forgotten anger. But that was past, and too many of those

now reaching the top of the mountain and spreading massed together had

never shared it, and some had been born in other lands. And yet all were

touched; the song had aroused us all. It was not the words, for they were all

the same old slave-borne words; it was as though he’d changed the emotion

beneath the words while yet the old longing, resigned, transcendent emotion

still sounded above, now deepened by that something for which the theory of

Brotherhood had given me no name. I stood there trying to contain it as they

brought Tod Clifton’s coffin into the tower and slowly up the spiral stairs.

They set it down upon the platform and I looked at the shape of the cheap

gray coffin and all I could remember was the sound of his name.

The song had ended. Now the top of the little mountain bristled with

banners, horns and uplifted faces. I could look straight down Fifth Avenue to

125th Street, where policemen were lined behind an array ot hot-dog wagons

and Good Humor carts; and among the carts I saw a peanut vendor standing

beneath a street lamp upon which pigeons were gathered, and now I saw him

stretch out his arms with his palms turned upward, and suddenly he was

covered, head, shoulders and outflung arms, with fluttering, feasting birds.

Someone nudged me and I started. It was time for final words. But I

had no words and I’d never been to a Brotherhood funeral and had no idea

of a ritual. But they were waiting. I stood there alone; there was no

microphone to support me, only the coffin before me upon the backs of its

wobbly carpenter’s horses.

I looked down into their sun-swept faces, digging for the words, and

feeling a futility about it all and an anger. For this they gathered by

thousands. What were they waiting to hear? Why had they come? For what

reason that was different from that which had made the red-cheeked boy

thrill at Clifton’s falling to the earth? What did they want and what could

they do? Why hadn’t they come when they could have stopped it all?

“What are you waiting for me to tell you?” I shouted suddenly, my

voice strangely crisp on the windless air. “What good will it do? What if I

say that this isn’t a funeral, that it’s a holiday celebration, that if you stick

around the band will end up playing ‘Damit-the-Hell the Fun’s All Over’? Or

do you expect to see some magic, the dead rise up and walk again? Go

home, he’s as dead as he’ll ever die. That’s the end in the beginning and

there’s no encore. There’ll be no miracles and there’s no one here to preach a

sermon. Go home, forget him. He’s inside this box, newly dead. Go home and

don’t think about him. He’s dead and you’ve got all you can do to think

about you.” I paused. They were whispering and looking upward.

“I’ve told you to go home,” I shouted, “but you keep standing there.

Don’t you know it’s hot out here in the sun? So what if you wait for what

little I can tell you? Can I say in twenty minutes what was building

twenty-one years and ended in twenty seconds? What are you waiting for,

when all I can tell you is his name? And when I tell you, what will you

know that you didn’t know already, except perhaps, his name?”

They were listening intently, and as though looking not at me, but at

the pattern of my voice upon the air.

“All right, you do the listening in the sun and I’ll try to tell you in

the sun. Then you go home and forget it. Forget it. His name was Clifton

and they shot him down. His name was Clifton and he was tall and some

folks thought him handsome. And though he didn’t belilve it, I think he was.

His name was Clifton and his face was black and his hair was thick with

tight-rolled curls — or call them naps or kinks. He’s dead, uninterested, and,

except to a few young girls, it doesn’t matter . . . Have you got it? Can you

see him? Think of your brother or your cousin John. His lips were thick with

an upward curve at the corners. He often smiled. He had good eyes and a

pair of fast hands, and he had a heart. He thought about things and he felt

deeply. I won’t call him noble because what’s such a word to do with one of

us? His name was Clifton, Tod Clifton, and, like any man, he was born of

woman to live awhile and fall and die. So that’s his tale to the minute. His

name was Clifton and for a while he lived among us and aroused a few

hopes in the young manhood of man, and we who knew him loved him and

he died. So why are you waiting? You’ve heard it all. Why wait for more,

when all I can do is repeat it?”

They stood; they listened. They gave no sign.

“Very well, so I’ll tell you. His name was Clifton and he was young

and he was a leader and when he fell there was a hole in the heel of his

sock and when he stretched forward he seemed not as tall as when he stood.

So he died; and we who loved him are gathered here to mourn him. It’s as

simple as that and as short as that. His name was Clifton and he was black

and they shot him. Isn’t that enough to tell? Isn’t it all you need to know?

Isn’t that enough to appease your thirst for drama and send you home to

sleep it off? Go take a drink and forget it. Or read it in The Daily News. His

name was Clifton and they shot him, and I was there to see him fall. So I

know it as I know it.

“Here are the facts. He was standing and he fell. He fell and he

kneeled. He kneeled and he bled. He bled and he died. He tell in a heap like

any man and his blood spilled out like any blood; red as any blood, wet as

any blood and reflecting the sky and the buildings and birds and trees, or

your face if you’d looked into its dulling mirror — and it dried in the sun as

blood dries. That’s all. They spilled his blood and he bled. They cut him

down and he died; the blood flowed on the walk in a pool, gleamed a while,

and, after awhile, became dull then dusty, then dried. That’s the story and

that’s how it ended. It’s an old story and there’s been too much blood to

excite you. Besides, it’s only important when it fills the veins of a living man.

Aren’t you tired of such stories? Aren’t you sick of the blood? Then why

listen, why don’t you go? It’s hot out here. There’s the odor of embalming

fluid. The beer is cold in the taverns, the saxophones will be mellow at the

Savoy; plenty good-laughing-lies will be told in the barber shops and beauty

parlors; and there’ll be sermons in two hundred churches in the cool of the

evening, and plenty of laughs at the movies. Go listen to ‘Amos and Andy’

and forget it. Here you have only the same old story. There’s not even a

young wife up here in red to mourn him. There’s nothing here to pity, no

one to break down and shout. Nothing to give you that good old frightened

feeling. The story’s too short and too simple. His name was Clifton, Tod

Clifton, he was unarmed and his death was as senseless as his life was futile.

He had struggled for Brotherhood on a hundred street corners and he

thought it would make him more human, but he died like any dog in a road.

“All right, all right,” I called out, feeling desperate. It wasn’t the way

I wanted it to go, it wasn’t political. Brother Jack probably wouldn’t approve

of it at all, but I had to keep going as I could go.

“Listen to me standing up on this so-called mountain!” I shouted.

“Let me tell it as it truly was! His name was Tod Clifton and he was full of

illusions. He thought he was a man when he was only Tod Clifton. He was

shot for a simple mistake of judgment and he bled and his blood dried and

shortly the crowd trampled out the stains. It was a normal mistake of which

many are guilty: He thought he was a man and that men were not meant to

be pushed around. But it was hot downtown and he forgot his history, he

forgot the time and the place. He lost his hold on reality. There was a cop

and a waiting audience but he was Tod Clifton and cops are everywhere. The

cop? What about him? He was a cop. A good citizen. But this cop had an

itching finger and an eager ear for a word that rhymed with ‘trigger,’ and

when Clifton fell he had found it. The Police Special spoke its lines and the

rhyme was completed. Just look around you. Look at what he made, look

inside you and feel his awful power. It was perfectly natural. The blood ran

like blood in a comic-book killing, on a comic-book street in a comic-book

town on a comic-book day in a comic-book world.

“Tod Clifton’s one with the ages. But what’s that to do with you in

this heat under this veiled sun? Now he’s part of history, and he has received

his true freedom. Didn’t they scribble his name on a standardized pad? His

Race: colored! Religion: unknown, probably born Baptist. Place of birth: U.S.

Some southern town. Next of kin: unknown. Address: unknown. Occupation:

unemployed. Cause of death (be specific): resisting reality in the form of a

.38 caliber revolver in the hands of the arresting officer, on Forty-second

between the library and the subway in the heat of the afternoon, of gunshot

wounds received from three bullets, fired at three paces, one bullet entering

the right ventricle of the heart, and lodging there, the other severing the

spinal ganglia traveling downward to lodge in the pelvis, the other breaking

through the back and traveling God knows where.

“Such was the short bitter life of Brother Tod Clifton. Now he’s in

this box with the bolts tightened down. He’s in the box and we’re in there

with him, and when I’ve told you this you can go. It’s dark in this box and

it’s crowded. It has a cracked ceiling and a clogged-up toilet in the hall. It

has rats and roaches, and it’s far, far too expensive a dwelling. The air is bad

and it’ll be cold this winter. Tod Clifton is crowded and he needs the room.

‘Tell them to get out of the box,’ that’s what he would say if you could hear

him. ‘Tell them to get out of the box and go teach the cops to forget that

rhyme. Tell them to teach them that when they call you nigger to make a

rhyme with trigger it makes the gun backfire.’

“So there you have it. In a few hours Tod Clifton will be cold bones

in the ground. And don’t be fooled, for these bones shall not rise again. You

and I will still be in the box. I don’t know if Tod Clifton had a soul. I only

know the ache that I feel in my heart, my sense of loss. I don’t know if you

have a soul. I only know you are men of flesh and blood; and that blood will

spill and flesh grow cold. I do not know if all cops are poets, but I know

that all cops carry guns with triggers. And I know too how we are labeled.

So in the name of Brother Clifton beware of the triggers; go home, keep cool,

stay safe away from the sun. Forget him. When he was alive he was our

hope, but why worry over a hope that’s dead? So there’s only one thing left

to tell and I’ve already told it. His name was Tod Clifton, he believed in

Brotherhood, he aroused our hopes and he died.”

I couldn’t go on. Below, they were waiting, hands and handkerchiefs

shading their eyes. A preacher stepped up and read something out of his

Bible, and I stood looking at the crowd with a sense of failure. I had let it

get away from me, had been unable to bring in the political issues. And they

stood there sun-beaten and sweat-bathed, listening to me repeat what was

known. Now the preacher had finished, and someone signaled the bandmaster

and there was solemn music as the pallbearers carried the coffin down the

spiraling stairs. The crowd stood still as we walked slowly through. I could

feel the bigness of it and the unknownness of it and a pent-up tension —

whether of tears or anger, I couldn’t tell. But as we walked through and

down the hill to the hearse, I could feel it. The crowd sweated and throbbed,

and though it was silent, there were many things directed toward me through

its eyes. At the curb were the hearse and a few cars, and in a few minutes

they were loaded and the crowd was still standing, looking on as we carried

Tod Clifton away. And as I took one last look I saw not a crowd but the set

faces of individual men and women.

We drove away and when the cars stopped moving there was a grave

and we placed him in it. The gravediggers sweated heavily and knew their

business and their brogue was Irish. They filled the grave quickly and we left.

Tod Clifton was underground.

I returned through the streets as tired as though I’d dug the grave

myself alone. I felt confused and listless moving through the crowds that

seemed to boil along in a kind of mist, as though the thin humid clouds had

thickened and settled directly above our heads. I wanted to go somewhere, to

some cool place to rest without thinking, but there was still too much to be

done; plans had to be made; the crowd’s emotion had to be organized. I

crept along, walking a southern walk in southern weather, closing my eyes

from time to time against the dazzling reds, yellows and greens of cheap

sport shirts and summer dresses. The crowd boiled, sweated, heaved; women

with shopping bags, men with highly polished shoes. Even down South they’d

always shined their shoes. “Shined shoes, shoed shines,” it rang in my head.

On Eighth Avenue, the market carts were parked hub to hub along the curb,

improvised canopies shading the withering fruits and vegetables. I could smell

the stench of decaying cabbage. A watermelon huckster stood in the shade

beside his truck, holding up a long slice of orange-mealed melon, crying his

wares with hoarse appeals to nostalgia, memories of childhood, green shade

and summer coolness. Oranges, cocoanuts and alligator pears lay in neat piles

on little tables. I passed, winding my way through the slowly moving crowd.

Stale and wilted flowers, rejected downtown, blazed feverishly on a cart, like

glamorous rags festering beneath a futile spray from a punctured fruit juice

can. The crowd were boiling figures seen through steaming glass from inside

a washing machine; and in the streets the mounted police detail stood looking

on, their eyes noncommittal beneath the short polished visors of their caps,

their bodies slanting forward, reins slackly alert, men and horses of flesh

imitating men and horses of stone. Tod Clifton’s Tod, I thought. The

hucksters cried above the traffic sounds and I seemed to hear them from a

distance, unsure of what they said. In a side street children with warped

tricycles were parading along the walk carrying one of the signs, BROTHER

TOD CLIFTON, OUR HOPE SHOT DOWN.

And through the haze I again felt the tension. There was no denying

it; it was there and something had to be done before it simmered away in

the heat.

Chapter 22

When I saw them sitting in their shirtsleeves, leaning forward,

gripping their crossed knees with their hands, I wasn’t surprised. I’m glad it’s

you, I thought, this will be business without tears. It was as though I had

expected to find them there, just as in those dreams in which I encountered

my grandfather looking at me from across the dimensionless space of a

dream-room. I looked back without surprise or emotion, although I knew even

in the dream that surprise was the normal reaction and that the lack of it

was to be distrusted, a warning.

I stood just inside the room, watching them as I slipped off my

jacket, seeing them grouped around a small table upon which there rested a

pitcher of water, a glass and a couple of smoking ash trays. One half of the

room was dark and only one light burned, directly above the table. They

regarded me silently, Brother Jack with a smile that went no deeper than his

lips, his head cocked to one side, studying me with his penetrating eyes; the

others blank-faced, looking out of eyes that were meant to reveal nothing and

to stir profound uncertainty. The smoke rose in spirals from their cigarettes

as they sat perfectly contained, waiting. So you came, after all, I thought,

going over and dropping into one of the chairs. I rested my arm on the

table, noticing its coolness.

“Well, how did it go?” Brother Jack said, extending his clasped hands

across the table and looking at me with his head to one side.

“You saw the crowd,” I said. “We finally got them out.”

“No, we did not see the crowd. How was it?”

“They were moved,” I said, “a great number of them. But beyond

that I don’t know. They were with us, but how far I don’t know . . .” And

for a moment I could hear my own voice in the quiet of the high-ceilinged

hall.

“Sooo! Is that all the great tactician has to tell us?” Brother Tobitt

said. “In what direction were they moved?”

I looked at him, aware of the numbness of my emotions; they had

flowed in one channel too long and too deeply.

“That’s for the committee to decide. They were aroused, that was all

we could do. We tried again and again to reach the committee for guidance

but we couldn’t.”

“So?”

“So we went ahead on my personal responsibility.”

Brother Jack’s eyes narrowed. “What was that?” he said. “Your what?”

“My personal responsibility,” I said.

“His personal responsibility,” Brother Jack said. “Did you hear that,

Brothers? Did I hear him correctly. Where did you get it, Brother?” he said.

“This is astounding, where did you get it?”

“From your ma –” I started and caught myself in time. “From the

committee,” I said.

There was a pause. I looked at him, his face reddening, as I tried to

get my bearings. A nerve trembled in the center of my stomach.

“Everyone came out,” I said, trying to fill it in. “We saw the

opportunity and the community agreed with us. It’s too bad you missed it . .

.”

“You see, he’s sorry we missed it,” Brother Jack said. He held up his

hand. I could see the deeply etched lines in his palm. “The great tactician of

personal responsibility regrets our absence . . .”

Doesn’t he see how I feel, I thought, can’t he see why I did it?

What’s he trying to do? Tobitt’s a fool, but why is he taking it up?

“You could have taken the next step,” I said, forcing the words. “We

went as far as we could . . .”

“On your personal re-spon-si-bility,” Brother Jack said, bowing his

head in time with the words.

I looked at him steadily now. “I was told to win back our following,

so I tried. The only way I knew how. What’s your criticism? What’s wrong?”

“So now,” he said, rubbing his eye with a delicate circular movement

of his fist, “the great tactician asks what’s wrong. Is it possible that

something could be wrong? Do you hear him, Brothers?”

There was a cough. Someone poured a glass of water and I could

hear it fill up very fast, then the rapid rill-like trickle of the final drops

dripping from the pitcher-lip into the glass. I looked at him, my mind trying

to bring things into focus.

“You mean he admits the possibility of being incorrect?” Tobitt said.

“Sheer modesty, Brother. The sheerest modesty. We have here an

extraordinary tactician, a Napoleon of strategy and personal responsibility.

‘Strike while the iron is hot’ is his motto. ‘Seize the instance by its throat,’

‘Shoot at the whites of their eyes,’ ‘Give ’em the ax, the ax, the ax,’ and so

forth.”

I stood up. “I don’t know what this is all about, Brother. What are

you trying to say?”

“Now there is a good question, Brothers. Sit down, please, it’s hot.

He wants to know what we’re trying to say. We have here not only an

extraordinary tactician, but one who has an appreciation for subtleties of

expression.”

“Yes, and for sarcasm, when it’s good,” I said.

“And for discipline? Sit down, please, it’s hot . . .”

“And for discipline. And for orders and consultation when it’s

possible to have them,” I said.

Brother Jack grinned. “Sit down, sit down — And for patience?”

“When I’m not sleepy and exhausted,” I said, “and not overheated as

I am just now.”

“You’ll learn,” he said. “You’ll learn and you’ll surrender yourself to it

even under such conditions. Especially under such conditions; that’s its value.

That makes it patience.”

“Yes, I guess I’m learning now,” I said. “Right now.”

“Brother,” he said drily, “you have no idea how much you’re learning

— Please sit down.”

“All right,” I said, sitting down again. “But while ignoring my

personal education for a second I’d like you to remember that the people

have little patience with us these days. We could use this time more

profitably.”

“And I could tell you that politicians are not personal persons,”

Brother Jack said, “but I won’t. How could we use it more profitably?”

“By organizing their anger.”

“So again our great tactician has relieved himself. Today he’s a busy

man. First an oration over the body of Brutus, and now a lecture on the

patience of the Negro people.”

Tobitt was enjoying himself. I could see his cigarette tremble in his

lips as he struck a match to light it.

“I move we issue his remarks in a pamphlet,” he said, running his

finger over his chin. “They should create a natural phenomenon . . .”

This had better stop right here, I thought. My head was getting

lighter and my chest felt tight.

“Look,” I said, “an unarmed man was killed. A brother, a leading

member shot down by a policeman. We had lost our prestige in the

community. I saw the chance to rally the people, so I acted. If that was

incorrect, then I did wrong, so say it straight without this crap. It’ll take

more than sarcasm to deal with that crowd out there.”

Brother Jack reddened; the others exchanged glances.

“He hasn’t read the newspapers,” someone said.

“You forget,” Brother Jack said, “it wasn’t necessary; he was there.”

“Yes, I was there,” I said. “If you’re referring to the killing.”

“There, you see,” Brother Jack said. “He was on the scene.”

Brother Tobitt pushed the table edge with his palms. “And still you

organized that side show of a funeral!”

My nose twitched. I turned toward him deliberately, forcing a grin.

“How could there be a side show without you as the star attraction,

who’d draw the two bits admission, Brother Twobits? What was wrong with

the funeral?”

“Now we’re making progress,” Brother Jack said, straddling his chair.

“The strategist has raised a very interesting question. What’s wrong, he asks.

All right, I’ll answer. Under your leadership, a traitorous merchant of vile

instruments of anti-Negro, anti-minority racist bigotry has received the funeral

of a hero. Do you still ask what’s wrong?”

“But nothing was done about a traitor,” I said.

He half-stood, gripping the back of his chair. “We all heard you

admit it.”

“We dramatized the shooting down of an unarmed black man.”

He threw up his hands. To hell with you, I thought. To hell with

you. He was a man!

“That black man, as you call him, was a traitor,” Brother Jack said.

“A traitor!”

“What is a traitor, Brother?” I asked, feeling an angry amusement as

I counted on my fingers. “He was a man and a Negro; a man and a brother;

a man and a traitor, as you say; then he was a dead man, and alive or dead

he was jam-full of contradictions. So full that he attracted half of Harlem to

come out and stand in the sun in answer to our call. So what is a traitor?”

“So now he retreats,” Brother Jack said. “Observe him, Brothers.

After putting the movement in the position of forcing a traitor down the

throats of the Negroes he asks what a traitor is.”

“Yes,” I said. “Yes, and, as you say, it’s a fair question, Brother.

Some folks call me traitor because I’ve been working downtown; some would

call me a traitor if I was in Civil Service and others if I simply sat in my

corner and kept quiet. Sure, I considered what Clifton did –”

“And you defend him!”

“Not for that. I was as disgusted as you. But hell, isn’t the shooting

of an unarmed man of more importance politically than the fact that he sold

obscene dolls?”

“So you exercised your personal responsibility,” Jack said.

“That’s all I had to go on. I wasn’t called to the strategy meeting,

remember.”

“Didn’t you see what you were playing with?” Tobitt said. “Have you

no respect for your people?”

“It was a dangerous mistake to give you the opportunity,” one of the

others said.

I looked across at him. “The committee can take it away, if it wishes.

But meantime, why is everyone so upset? If even one-tenth of the people

looked at the dolls as we do, our work would be a lot easier. The dolls are

nothing.”

“Nothing,” Jack said. “That nothing that might explode in our face.”

I sighed. “Your faces are safe, Brother,” I said. “Can’t you see that

they don’t think in such abstract terms? If they did, perhaps the new

program wouldn’t have flopped. The Brotherhood isn’t the Negro people; no

organization is. All you see in Clifton’s death is that it might harm the

prestige of the Brotherhood. You see him only as a traitor. But Harlem

doesn’t react that way.”

“Now he’s lecturing us on the conditioned reflexes of the Negro

people,” Tobitt said.

I looked at him. I was very tired. “And what is the source of your

great contributions to the movement, Brother? A career in burlesque? And of

your profound knowledge of Negroes? Are you from an old plantation-owning

family? Does your black mammy shuffle nightly through your dreams?”

He opened his mouth and closed it like a fish. “I’ll have you know

that I’m married to a fine, intelligent Negro girl,” he said.

So that’s what makes you so cocky, I thought, seeing now how the

light struck him at an angle and made a wedge-shaped shadow beneath his

nose. So that’s it . . . and how did I guess there was a woman in it?

“Brother, I apologize,” I said. “I misjudged you. You have our

number. In fact, you must be practically a Negro yourself. Was it by

immersion or injection?”

“Now see here,” he said, pushing back his chair.

Come on, I thought, just make a move. Just another little move.

“Brothers,” Jack said, his eyes on me. “Let’s stick to the discussion.

I’m intrigued. You were saying?”

I watched Tobitt. He glared. I grinned.

“I was saying that up here we know that the policemen didn’t care

about Clifton’s ideas. He was shot because he was black and because he

resisted. Mainly because he was black.”

Brother Jack frowned. “You’re riding ‘race’ again. But how do they

feel about the dolls?”

“I’m riding the race I’m forced to ride,” I said. “And as for the dolls,

they know that as far as the cops were concerned Clifton could have been

selling song sheets. Bibles, matzos. If he’d been white, he’d be alive. Or if

he’d accepted being pushed around . . .”

“Black and white, white and black,” Tobitt said. “Must we listen to

this racist nonsense?”

“You don’t, Brother Negro,” I said. “You get your own information

straight from the source. Is it a mulatto source, Brother? Don’t answer — the

only thing wrong is that your source is too narrow. You don’t really think

that crowd turned out today because Clifton was a member of the

Brotherhood?”

“And why did they turn out?” Jack said, getting set as if to pounce

forward.

“Because we gave them the opportunity to express their feelings, to

affirm themselves.”

Brother Jack rubbed his eye. “Do you know that you have become

quite a theoretician?” he said. “You astound me.”

“I doubt that, Brother, but there’s nothing like isolating a man to

make him think,” I said.

“Yes, that’s true; some of our best ideas have been thought in prison.

Only you haven’t been in prison, Brother, and you were not hired to think.

Had you forgotten that? If so, listen to me: You were not hired to think.” He

was speaking very deliberately and I thought, So . . . So here it is, naked

and old and rotten. So now it’s out in the open . . .

“So now I know where I am,” I said, “and with whom –”

“Don’t twist my meaning. For all of us, the committee does the

thinking. For all of us. And you were hired to talk.”

“That’s right, I was hired. Things have been so brotherly I had

forgotten my place. But what if I wish to express an idea?”

“We furnish all ideas. We have some acute ones. Ideas are part of

our apparatus. Only the correct ideas for the correct occasion.”

“And suppose you misjudge the occasion?”

“Should that ever happen, you keep quiet.”

“Even though I am correct?”

“You say nothing unless it is passed by the committee. Otherwise I

suggest you keep saying the last thing you were told.”

“And when my people demand that I speak?”

“The committee will have an answer!”

I looked at him. The room was hot, quiet, smoky. The others looked

at me strangely. I heard the nervous sound of someone mashing out a

cigarette in a glass ash tray. I pushed back my chair, breathing deeply,

controlled. I was on a dangerous road and I thought of Clifton and tried to

get off of it. I said nothing.

Suddenly Jack smiled and slipped back into his fatherly role.

“Let us handle the theory and the business of strategy,” he said. “We

are experienced. We’re graduates and while you are a smart beginner you

skipped several grades. But they were important grades, especially for gaining

strategical knowledge. For such it is necessary to see the overall picture. More

is involved than meets the eye. With the long view and the short view and

the overall view mastered, perhaps you won’t slander the political

consciousness of the people of Harlem.”

Can’t he see I’m trying to tell them what’s real, I thought. Does my

membership stop me from feeling Harlem?

“All right,” I said. “Have it your way, Brother; only the political

consciousness of Harlem is exactly a thing I know something about. That’s

one class they wouldn’t let me skip. I’m describing a part of reality which I

know.”

“And that is the most questionable statement of all,” Tobitt said.

“I know,” I said, running my thumb along the edge of the table,

“your private source tells you differently. History’s made at night, eh,

Brother?”

“I’ve warned you,” Tobitt said.

“Brother to brother, Brother,” I said, “try getting around more. You

might learn that today was the first time that they’ve listened to our appeals

in weeks. And I’ll tell you something else: If we don’t follow through on what

was done today, this might be the last . . .”

“So, he’s finally gotten around to predicting the future,” Brother Jack

said.

“It’s possible . . . though I hope not.”

“He’s in touch with God,” Tobitt said. “The black God.”

I looked at him and grinned. He had gray eyes and his irises were

very wide, the muscles ridged out on his jaws. I had his guard down and he

was swinging wild.

“Not with God, nor with your wife, Brother,” I told him. “I’ve never

met either. But I’ve worked among the people up here. Ask your wife to take

you around to the gin mills and the barber shops and the juke joints and the

churches, Brother. Yes, and the beauty parlors on Saturdays when they’re

frying hair. A whole unrecorded history is spoken then, Brother. You wouldn’t

believe it but it’s true. Tell her to take you to stand in the areaway of a

cheap tenement at night and listen to what is said. Put her out on the

corner, let her tell you what’s being put down. You’ll learn that a lot of

people are angry because we failed to lead them in action. I’ll stand on that

as I stand on what I see and feel and on what I’ve heard, and what I know.”

“No,” Brother Jack said, getting to his feet, “you’ll stand on the

decision of the committee. We’ve had enough of this. The committee makes

your decisions and it is not its practice to give undue importance to the

mistaken notions of the people. What’s happened to your discipline?”

“I’m not arguing against discipline. I’m trying to be useful. I’m trying

to point out a part of reality which the committee seems to have missed.

With just one demonstration we could –”

“The committee has decided against such demonstrations,” Brother

Jack said. “Such methods are no longer effective.”

Something seemed to move out from under me, and out of the

corner of my eye I was suddenly aware of objects on the dark side of the

hall. “But didn’t anyone see what happened today?” I said. “What was that, a

dream? What was ineffective about that crowd?”

“Such crowds are only our raw materials, one of the raw materials to

be shaped to our program.”

I looked around the table and shook my head. “No wonder they

insult me and accuse us of betraying them . . .”

There was a sudden movement.

“Repeat that,” Brother Jack shouted, stepping forward.

“It’s true, I’ll repeat it. Until this afternoon they’ve been saying that

the Brotherhood betrayed them. I’m telling you what’s been said to me, and

that it why Brother Clifton disappeared.”

“That’s an indefensible lie,” Brother Jack said.

And I looked at him slowly now, thinking, If this is it, this is it . . .

“Don’t call me that,” I said softly. “Don’t ever call me that, none of you. I’ve

told you what I’ve heard.” My hand was in my pocket now, Brother Tarp’s

leg chain around my knuckles. I looked at each of them individually, trying to

hold myself back and yet feeling it getting away from me. My head was

whirling as though I were riding a supersonic merry-go-round. Jack looked at

me, a new interest behind his eyes, leaned forward.

“So you’ve heard it,” he said. “Very well, so now hear this: We do

not shape our policies to the mistaken and infantile notions of the man in

the street. Our job is not to ask them what they think but to tell them!”

“You’ve said that,” I said, “and that’s one thing you can tell them

yourself. Who are you, anyway, the great white father?”

“Not their father, their leader. And .your leader. And don’t forget it.”

“My leader sure, but what’s your exact relationship to them?”

His red head bristled. “The leader. As leader of the Brotherhood, I

am their leader.”

“But are you sure you aren’t their great white father?” I said,

watching him closely, aware of the hot silence and feeling tension race from

my toes to my legs as I drew my feet quickly beneath me. “Wouldn’t it be

better if they called you Marse Jack?”

“Now see here,” he began, leaping to his feet to lean across the

table, and I spun my chair half around on its hind legs as he came between

me and the light, gripping the edge of the table, spluttering and lapsing into

a foreign language, choking and coughing and shaking his head as I balanced

on my toes now, set to propel myself forward; seeing him above me and the

others behind him as suddenly something seemed to erupt out of his face.

You’re seeing things, I thought, hearing it strike sharply against the table and

roll as his arm shot out and snatched an object the size of a large marble

and dropped it, plop! into his glass, and I could see the water shooting up in

a ragged, light-breaking pattern to spring in swift droplets across the oiled

table top. The room seemed to flatten. I shot to a high plateau above them

and down, feeling the jolt on the end of my spine as the chair legs struck

the floor. The merry-go-round had speeded up, I heard his voice but no

longer listened. I stared at the glass, seeing how the light shone through,

throwing a transparent, precisely fluted shadow against the dark grain of the

table, and there on the bottom of the glass lay an eye. A glass eye. A

buttermilk white eye distorted by the light rays. An eye staring fixedly at me

as from the dark waters of a well. Then I was looking at him standing above

me, outlined by the light against the darkened half of the hall.

“. . . You must accept discipline. Either you accept decisions or you

get out . . .”

I stared into his face, feeling a sense of outrage. His left eye had

collapsed, a line of raw redness showing where the lid refused to close, and

his gaze had lost its command. I looked from his face to the glass, thinking,

he’s disemboweled himself just in order to confound me . . . And the others

had known it all along. They aren’t even surprised. I stared at the eye, aware

of Jack pacing up and down, shouting.

“Brother, are you following me?” He stopped, squinting at me with

Cyclopean irritation. “What is the matter?”

I stared up at him, unable to answer.

Then he understood and approached the table, smiling maliciously.

“So that’s it. So it makes you uncomfortable, does it? You’re a sentimentalist,”

he said, sweeping up the glass and causing the eye to turn over in the water

so that now it seemed to peer down at me from the ringed bottom of the

glass. He smiled, holding the tumbler level with his empty socket, swirling the

glass. “You didn’t know about this?”

“No, and I didn’t want to know.”

Someone laughed.

“See, that demonstrates how long you’ve been with us.” He lowered

the glass. “I lost my eye in the line of duty. What do you think of that?” he

said with a pride that made me all the angrier.

“I don’t give a damn how you lost it as long as you keep it hidden.”

“That is because you don’t appreciate the meaning of sacrifice. I was

ordered to carry through an objective and I carried it through. Understand?

Even though I had to lose my eye to do it . . .”

He was gloating now, holding up the eye in the glass as though it

were a medal of merit.

“Not much like that traitor Clifton, is it?” Tobitt said.

The others were amused.

“All right,” I said. “All right! It was a heroic act. It saved the world,

now hide the bleeding wound!”

“Don’t overevaluate it,” Jack said, quieter now. “The heroes are those

who die. This was nothing — after it happened. A minor lesson in discipline.

And do you know what discipline is, Brother Personal Responsibility? It’s

sacrifice, sacrifice, SACRIFICE!”

He slammed the glass upon the table, splashing the water on the

back of my hand. I shook like a leaf. So that is the meaning of discipline, I

thought, sacrifice . . . yes, and blindness; he doesn’t see me. He doesn’t even

see me. Am I about to strangle him? I do not know. He cannot possibly. I

still do not know. See! Discipline is sacrifice. Yes, and blindness. Yes. And me

sitting here while he tries to intimidate me. That’s it, with his goddam blind

glass eye . . . Should you show him you get it? Shouldn’t you? Shouldn’t he

know it? Hurry! Shouldn’t you? Look at it there, a good job, an almost

perfect imitation that seemed alive . . . Should you, shouldn’t you? Maybe he

got it where he learned that language he lapsed into. Shouldn’t you? Make

him speak the unknown tongue, the language of the future. What’s mattering

with you? Discipline. Is learning, didn’t he say? Is it? I stand? You’re sitting

here, ain’t I? You’re holding on, ain’t I? He said you’d learn so you’re

learning, so he saw it all the time. He’s a riddler, shouldn’t we show him? So

sit still is the way, and learn, never mind the eye, it’s dead . . . All right

now, look at him, see him turning now, left, right, coming short-legged

toward you. See him, hep, hep! the one-eyed beacon. All right, all right . . .

Hep, hep! The short-legged deacon. All right! Nail him! The short-changing

dialectical deacon . . . All right. There, so now you’re learning . . . Get it

under control . . . Patience . . . Yes . . .

I looked at him again as for the first time, seeing a little bantam

rooster of a man with a high-domed forehead and a raw eye-socket that

wouldn’t quite accept its lid. I looked at him carefully now with some of the

red spots fading and with the feeling that I was just awakening from a

dream. I had boomeranged around.

“I realize how you feel,” he said, becoming an actor who’d just

finished a part in a play and was speaking again in his natural voice. “I

remember the first time I saw myself this way and it wasn’t pleasant. And

don’t think I wouldn’t rather have my old one back.” He felt in the water for

his eye now, and I could see its smooth half-spherical, half-amorphous form

slip between his two fingers and spurt around the glass as though looking for

a way to break out. Then he had it, shaking off the water and breathing

upon it as he walked across to the dark side of the room.

“But who knows, Brothers,” he said, with his back turned, “perhaps if

we do our work successfully the new society will provide me with a living

eye. Such a thing is not at all fantastic, although I’ve been without mine for

quite a while . . . What time is it, by the way?”

But what kind of society will make him see me, I thought, hearing

Tobitt answer, “Six-fifteen.”

“Then we’d better leave immediately, we’ve got a long way to travel,”

he said, coming across the floor. He had his eye in place now and he was

smiling. “How’s that?” he asked me.

I nodded, I was very tired. I simply nodded.

“Good,” he said. “I sincerely hope it never happens to you. Sincerely.”

“If it should, maybe you’ll recommend me to your oculist,” I said,

“then I may not-see myself as others see-me-not.”

He looked at me oddly then laughed. “See, Brothers, he’s joking. He

feels brotherly again. But just the same, I hope you’ll never need one of

these. Meanwhile go and see Hambro. He’ll outline the program and give you

the instructions. As for today, just let things float. It is a development that is

important only if we make it so. Otherwise it will be forgotten,” he said,

getting into his jacket. “And you’ll see that it’s best. The Brotherhood must

act as a co-ordinated unit.”

I looked at him. I was becoming aware of smells again and I needed

a bath. The others were standing now and moving toward the door. I stood

up, feeling the shirt sticking to my back.

“One last thing,” Jack said, placing his hand on my shoulder and

speaking quietly. “Watch that temper, that’s discipline, too. Learn to demolish

your brotherly opponents with ideas, with polemic skill. The other is for our

enemies. Save it for them. And go get some rest.”

I was beginning to tremble. His face seemed to advance and recede,

recede and advance. He shook his head and smiled grimly.

“I know how you feel,” he said. “And it’s too bad all that effort was

for nothing. But that in itself is a kind of discipline. I speak to you of what I

have learned and I’m a great deal older than you. Good night.”

I looked at his eye. So he knows how I feel. Which eye is really the

blind one? “Good night,” I said.

“Good night, Brother,” they all except Tobitt said.

It’ll be night, but it won’t be good, I thought, calling a final “Good

night.”

They left and I took my jacket and went and sat at my desk. I heard

them passing down the stairs and the closing of the door below. I felt as

though I’d been watching a bad comedy. Only it was real and I was living it

and it was the only historically meaningful life that I could live. If I left it,

I’d be nowhere. As dead and as meaningless as Clifton. I felt for the doll in

the shadow and dropped it on the desk. He was dead all right, and nothing

would come of his death now. He was useless even for a scavenger action.

He had waited too long, the directives had changed on him. He’d barely

gotten by with a funeral. And that was all. It was only a matter of a few

days, but he had missed and there was nothing I could do. But at least he

was dead and out of it.

I sat there a while, growing wilder and fighting against it. I couldn’t

leave and I had to keep contact in order to fight. But I would never be the

same. Never. After tonight I wouldn’t ever look the same, or feel the same.

Just what I’d be, I didn’t know; I couldn’t go back to what I was — which

wasn’t much — but I’d lost too much to be what I was. Some of me, too,

had died with Tod Clifton. So I would see Hambro, for whatever it was

worth. I got up and went out into the hall. The glass was still on the table

and I swept it across the room, hearing it rumble and roll in the dark. Then

I went downstairs.

Chapter 23

The bar downstairs was hot and crowded and there was a heated

argument in progress over Clifton’s shooting. I stood near the door and

ordered a bourbon. Then someone noticed me, and they tried to draw me in.

“Please, not tonight,” I said. “He was one of my best friends.”

“Oh, sure,” they said, and I had another bourbon and left.

When I reached 125th Street, I was approached by a group of

civil-liberties workers circulating a petition demanding the dismissal of the

guilty policeman, and a block further on even the familiar woman street

preacher was shouting a sermon about the slaughter of the innocents. A much

broader group was stirred up over the shooting than I had imagined. Good, I

thought, perhaps it won’t die down after all. Maybe I’d better see Hambro

tonight.

Little groups were all along the street, and I moved with increasing

speed until suddenly I had reached Seventh Avenue, and there beneath a

street lamp with the largest crowd around him was Ras the Exhorter — the

last man in the world I wanted to see. And I had just turned back when I

saw him lean down between his flags, shouting, “Look, look, Black ladies and

gentlemahn! There goes the representative of the Brotherhood. Does Ras see

correctly? Is that gentlemahn trying to pass us unnoticed? Ask him about it.

What are you people waiting for, sir? What are you doing about our black

youth shot down beca’se of your deceitful organization?”

They turned, looking at me, closing in. Some came up behind me

and tried to push me further into the crowd. The Exhorter leaned down,

pointing at me, beneath the green traffic light.

“Ask him what they are doing about it, ladies and gentlemahn. Are

they afraid — or are the white folks and their black stooges sticking together

to betray us?”

“Get your hands off me,” I shouted as someone reached around and

seized my arm.

I heard a voice cursing me softly.

“Give the brother a chance to answer!” someone said.

Their faces pressed in upon me. I wanted to laugh, for suddenly I

realized that I didn’t know whether I had been part of a sellout or not. But

they were in no mood for laughter.

“Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters,” I said, “I disdain to

answer such an attack. Since you all know me and my work, I don’t think it’s

necessary. But it seems highly dishonorable to use the unfortunate death of

one of our most promising young men as an excuse for attacking an

organization that has worked to bring an end to such outrages. Who was the

first organization to act against this killing? The Brotherhood! Who was the

first to arouse the people? The Brotherhood! Who will always be the first to

advance the cause of the people? Again the Brotherhood!

“We acted and we shall always act, I assure you. But in our own

disciplined way. And we’ll act positively. We refuse to waste our energies and

yours in premature and ill-considered actions. We are Americans, all of us,

whether black or white, regardless of what the man on the ladder there tells

you, Americans. And we leave it to the gentleman up there to abuse the

name of the dead. The Brotherhood grieves and feels deeply the loss of its

brother. And we are determined that his death shall be the beginning of

profound and lasting changes. It’s easy enough to wait around for the minute

a man is safely buried and then stand on a ladder and smear the memory of

everything he believed in. But to create something lasting of his death takes

time and careful planning –”

“Gentlemahn,” Ras shouted, “stick to the issue. You are not answering

my question. What are you doing about the shooting?”

I moved toward the edge of the crowd. If this went any further, it

could be disastrous.

“Stop abusing the dead for your own selfish ends,” I said. “Let him

rest in peace. Quit mangling his corpse!”

I pushed away as he raged, hearing shouts of, “Tell him about it!”

“Grave robber!”

The Exhorter waved his arms and pointed, shouting, “That mahn is a

paid stooge of the white enslaver! Wheere has he been for the last few

months when our black babies and women have been suffering –”

“Let the dead rest in peace,” I shouted, hearing someone call “Aw

man, go back to Africa. Everybody knows the brother.”

Good, I thought, good. Then there was a scuffle behind me and I

whirled to see two men stop short. They were Ras’s men.

“Listen, mister,” I said up to him, “if you know what’s good for you,

you’ll call off your goons. Two of them seem to want to follow me.”

“And that is a dahm lie!” he shouted.

“There are witnesses if anything should happen to me. A man who’ll

dig up the dead hardly before he’s buried will try anything, but I warn you

–”

There were angry shouts from some of the crowd and I saw the men

continue past me with hate in their eyes, leaving the crowd to disappear

around the corner. Ras was attacking the Brotherhood now and others were

answering him from the audience, and I went on, moving back toward Lenox,

moving past a movie house when they grabbed me and started punching. But

this time they’d picked the wrong spot, and the movie doorman intervened

and they ran back toward Ras’s street meeting. I thanked the doorman and

went on. I had been lucky; they hadn’t hurt me, but Ras was becoming bold

again. On a less crowded street they might have done some damage.

Reaching the Avenue I stepped to the curb and signaled a cab, seeing

it sail by. An ambulance went past, then another cab with its flag down. I

looked back. I felt that they were watching me from somewhere up the street

but I couldn’t see them. Why didn’t a taxi come! Then three men in natty

cream-colored summer suits came to stand near me at the curb, and

something about them struck me like a hammer. They were all wearing dark

glasses. I had seen it thousands of times, but suddenly what I had considered

an empty imitation of a Hollywood fad was flooded with personal significance.

Why not, I thought, why not, and shot across the street and into the

air-conditioned chill of a drugstore.

I saw them on a case strewn with sun visors, hair nets, rubber

gloves, a card of false eyelashes, and seized the darkest lenses I could find.

They were of a green glass so dark that it appeared black, and I put them on

immediately, plunging into blackness and moving outside.

I could barely see; it was almost dark now, and the streets swarmed

in a green vagueness. I moved slowly across to stand near the subway and

wait for my eyes to adjust. A strange wave of excitement boiled within me as

I peered out at the sinister light. And now through the hot gusts from the

underground people were emerging and I could feel the trains vibrating the

walk. A cab rolled up to discharge a passenger and I was about to take it

when the woman came up the stairs and stopped before me, smiling. Now

what, I thought, seeing her standing there, smiling in her tight-fitting summer

dress; a large young woman who reeked with Christmas Night perfume who

now came close.

“Rinehart, baby, is that you?” she said.

Rinehart, I thought. So it works. She had her hand on my arm and

faster than I thought I heard myself answer, “Is that you, baby?” and waited

with tense breath.

“Well, for once you’re on time,” she said. “But what you doing

bareheaded, where’s your new hat I bought you?”

I wanted to laugh. The scent of Christmas Night was enfolding me

now and I saw her face draw closer, her eyes widening.

“Say, you ain’t Rinehart, man. What you trying to do? You don’t even

talk like Rine. What’s your story?”

I laughed, backing away. “I guess we were both mistaken,” I said.

She stepped backward clutching her bag, watching me, confused.

“I really meant no harm,” I said. “I’m sorry. Who was it you mistook

me for?”

“Rinehart, and you’d better not let him catch you pretending to be

him.”

“No,” I said. “But you seemed so pleased to see him that I couldn’t

resist it. He’s really a lucky man.”

“And I could have sworn you was — Man, you git away from here

before you get me in trouble,” she said, moving aside, and I left.

It was very strange. But that about the hat was a good idea, I

thought, hurrying along now and looking out for Ras’s men. I was wasting

time. At the first hat shop I went in and bought the widest hat in stock and

put it on. With this, I thought, I should be seen even in a snowstorm — only

they’d think I was someone else.

Then I was back in the street and moving toward the subway. My

eyes adjusted quickly; the world took on a dark-green intensity, the lights of

cars glowed like stars, faces were a mysterious blur; the garish signs of movie

houses muted down to a soft sinister glowing. I headed back for Ras’s

meeting with a bold swagger. This was the real test, if it worked I would go

on to Hambro’s without further trouble. In the angry period to come I would

be able to move about.

A couple of men approached, eating up the walk with long jaunty

strides that caused their heavy silk sport shirts to flounce rhythmically upon

their bodies. They too wore dark glasses, their hats were set high upon their

heads, the brims turned down. A couple of hipsters, I thought, just as they

spoke.

“What you sayin’, daddy-o,” they said.

“Rinehart, poppa, tell us what you putting down,” they said.

Oh, hell, they’re probably his friends, I thought, waving and moving

on.

“We know what you’re doing, Rinehart,” one of them called. “Play it

cool, ole man, play it cool!”

I waved again as though in on the joke. They laughed behind me. I

was nearing the end of the block now, wet with sweat. Who was this

Rinehart and what was he putting down? I’d have to learn more about him

to avoid further misidentifications . . .

A car passed with its radio blaring. Ahead I could hear the Exhorter

barking harshly to the crowd. Then I was moving close, and coming to a stop

conspicuously in the space left for pedestrians to pass through the crowd. To

the rear they were lined up two deep before the store windows. Before me

the listeners merged in a green-tinted gloom. The Exhorter gestured violently,

blasting the Brotherhood.

“The time for ahction is here. We mahst chase them out of Harlem,”

he cried. And for a second I thought he had caught me in the sweep of his

eyes, and tensed.

“Ras said chase them! It is time Ras the Exhorter become Ras the

DESTROYER!”

Shouts of agreement arose and I looked behind me, seeing the men

who had followed me and thinking, What did he mean, destroyer?

“I repeat, black ladies and gentlemahn, the time has come for

ahction! I, Ras the Destroyer, repeat, the time has come!”

I trembled with excitement; they hadn’t recognized me. It works, I

thought. They see the hat, not me. There is a magic in it. It hides me right

in front of their eyes . . . But suddenly I wasn’t sure. With Ras calling for

the destruction of everything white in Harlem, who could notice me? I needed

a better test. If I was to carry out my plan . . . What plan? Hell, I don’t

know, come on . . .

I weaved out of the crowd and left, heading for Hambro’s.

A group of zoot-suiters greeted me in passing. “Hey now, daddy-o,”

they called. “Hey now!”

“Hey now!” I said.

It was as though by dressing and walking in a certain way I had

enlisted in a fraternity in which I was recognized at a glance — not by

features, but by clothes, by uniform, by gait. But this gave rise to another

uncertainty. I was not a zoot-suiter, but a kind of politician. Or was I? What

would happen in a real test? What about the fellows who’d been so insulting

at the Jolly Dollar? I was halfway across Eighth Avenue at the thought and

retraced my steps, running for an uptown bus.

There were many of the regular customers draped around the bar.

The room was crowded and Barrelhouse was on duty. I could feel the frame

of the glasses cutting into the ridge of my nose as I tilted my hat and

squeezed up to the bar. Barrelhouse looked at me roughly, his lips pushed

out.

“What brand you drinking tonight, Poppa-stopper?” he said.

“Make it Ballantine’s,” I said in my natural voice.

I watched his eyes as he set the beer before me and slapped the bar

with his enormous hand for his money. Then, my heart beating faster, I

made my old gesture of payment, spinning the coin upon the bar and waited.

The coin disappeared into his fist.

“Thanks, pops,” he said, moving on and leaving me puzzled. For

there had been recognition of a kind in his voice but not for me. He never

called me “pops” or “poppa-stopper.” It’s working, I thought, perhaps it’s

working very well.

Certainly something was working on me, and profoundly. Still I was

relieved. It was hot. Perhaps that was it. I drank the cold beer, looking back

to the rear of the room to the booths. A crowd of men and women moiled

like nightmare figures in the smoke-green haze. The juke box was dinning

and it was like looking into the depths of a murky cave. And now someone

moved aside and looking down along the curve of the bar past the bobbing

heads and shoulders I saw the juke box, lit up like a bad dream of the Fiery

Furnace, shouting:

Jelly, Jelly

Jelly,

All night long.

And yet, I thought, watching a numbers runner paying off a bet, this

is one place that the Brotherhood definitely penetrated. Let Hambro explain

that, too, along with all the rest he’d have to explain.

I drained the glass and turned to leave, when there across at the

lunch counter I saw Brother Maceo. I moved impulsively, forgetting my

disguise until almost upon him, then checked myself and put my disguise

once more to a test. Reaching roughly across his shoulder I picked up a

greasy menu that rested between the sugar shaker and the hot-sauce bottle

and pretended to read it through my dark lenses.

“How’re the ribs, pops?” I said.

“Fine, least these here I’m eatin’ is.”

“Yeah? How much you know about ribs?”

He raised his head slowly, looking across at the spitted chickens

revolving before the low blue rotisserie flames. “I reckon I know as much

about ’em as you,” he said, “and probably more, since I probably been eatin’

’em a few years longer than you, and in a few more places. What makes you

think you kin come in here messing with me anyhow?”

He turned, looking straight into my face now, challenging me. He

was very game and I wanted to laugh.

“Oh, take it easy,” I growled. “A man can ask a question, can’t he?”

“You got your answer,” he said, turning completely around on the

stool. “So now I guess you ready to pull your knife.”

“Knife?” I said, wanting to laugh. “Who said anything about a knife?”

“That’s what you thinking about. Somebody say something you don’t

like and you kinda fellows pull your switch blades. So all right, go ahead and

pull it. I’m as ready to die as I’m gon’ ever be. Let’s see you, go ahead!”

He reached for the sugar shaker now, and I stood there feeling

suddenly that the old man before me was not Brother Maceo at all, but

someone else disguised to confuse me. The glasses were working too well.

He’s a game old brother, I thought, but this’ll never do.

I pointed toward his plate. “I asked you about the ribs,” I said, “not

your ribs. Who said anything about a knife?”

“Never mind that, just go on and pull it,” he said.

“Let’s see you. Or is you waiting for me to turn my back. All right,

here it is, here’s my back,” he said, turning swiftly on the stool and around

again, his arm set to throw the shaker.

Customers were turning to look, were moving clear.

“What’s the matter, Maceo?” someone said.

“Nothing I caint handle; this confidencing sonofabitch come in here

bluffing –”

“You take it easy, old man,” I said. “Don’t let your mouth get your

head in trouble,” thinking, Why am I talking like this?

“You don’t have to worry about that, sonofabitch, pull your switch

blade!”

“Give it to him, Maceo, coolcrack the motherfouler!”

I marked the position of the voice by ear now, turning so that I

could see Maceo, the agitator, and the customers blocking the door. Even the

juke box had stopped and I could feel the danger mounting so swiftly that I

moved without thinking, bounding over quickly and sweeping up a beer

bottle, my body trembling.

“All right,” I said, “if that’s the way you want it, all right! The next

one who talks out of turn gets this!”

Maceo moved and I feinted with the bottle, seeing him dodge, his

arm set to throw and held only because I was crowding him; a dark old man

in overalls and a gray long-billed cloth cap, who looked dreamlike through

the green glasses.

“Throw it,” I said. “Go on,” overcome with the madness of the thing.

Here I’d set out to test a disguise on a friend and now I was ready to beat

him to his knees — not because I wanted to but because of place and

circumstance. Okay, okay, it was absurd and yet real and dangerous and if he

moved, I’d let him have it as brutally as possible. To protect myself I’d have

to, or the drunks would gang me. Maceo was set, looking at me coldly, and

suddenly I heard a voice boom out, “Ain’t going to be no fighting in my

joint!” It was Barrelhouse. “Put them things down y’all, they cost money.”

“Hell, Barrelhouse, let ’em fight!”

“They can fight in the streets, not in here — Hey, y’all,” he called

“look over here . . .”

I saw him now, leaning forward with a pistol in his huge fist, resting

it steady upon the bar.

“Now put ’em down y’all,” he said mournfully. “I done ask you to

put my property down.”

Brother Maceo looked from me to Barrelhouse.

“Put it down, old man,” I said, thinking, Why am I acting from pride

when this is not really me?

“You put yourn down,” he said.

“Both of y’all put ’em down; and you, Rinehart,” Barrelhouse said,

gesturing at me with his pistol, “you get out of my joint and stay out. We

don’t need your money in here.”

I started to protest, but he held up his palm.

“Now you all right with me, Rinehart, don’t get me wrong. But I just

can’t stand trouble,” Barrelhouse said.

Brother Maceo had replaced the shaker now and I put my bottle

down and backed to the door.

“And Rine,” Barrelhouse said, “don’t go try to pull no pistol neither,

’cause this here one is loaded and I got a permit.”

I backed to the door, my scalp prickling, watching them both.

“Next time don’t ask no questions you don’t want answered,” Maceo

called. “An’ if you ever want to finish this argument I be right here.”

I felt the outside air explode around me and I stood just beyond the

door laughing with the sudden relief of the joke restored, looking back at the

defiant old man in his long-billed cap and the confounded eyes of the crowd.

Rinehart, Rinehart, I thought, what kind of man is Rinehart?

I was still chuckling when, in the next block, I waited for the traffic

lights near a group of men who stood on the corner passing a bottle of

cheap wine between them as they discussed Clifton’s murder.

“What we need is some guns,” one of them said. “An eye for an

eye.”

“Hell yes, machine guns. Pass me the sneakypete, Muckleroy.”

“Wasn’t for that Sullivan Law this here New York wouldn’t be

nothing but a shooting gallery,” another man said.

“Here’s the sneakypete, and don’t try to find no home in that bottle.”

“It’s the only home I got, Muckleroy. You want to take that away

from me?”

“Man, drink up and pass the damn bottle.”

I started around them, hearing one of them say, “What you saying,

Mr. Rinehart, how’s your hammer hanging?”

Even up here, I thought, beginning to hurry. “Heavy, man,” I said,

knowing the answer to that one, “very heavy.” They laughed.

“Well, it’ll be lighter by morning.”

“Say, look ahere, Mr. Rinehart, how about giving me a job?” one of

them said, approaching me, and I waved and crossed the street, walking

rapidly down Eighth toward the next bus stop.

The shops and groceries were dark now, and children were running

and yelling along the walks, dodging in and out among the adults. I walked,

struck by the merging fluidity of forms seen through the lenses. Could this be

the way the world appeared to Rinehart? All the dark-glass boys? “For now

we see as through a glass darkly but then — but then –” I couldn’t

remember the rest.

She was carrying a shopping bag and moved gingerly on her feet.

Until she touched my arm I thought that she was talking to herself.

“I say, pardon me, son, look like you trying to pass on by me

tonight. What’s the final figger?”

“Figure? What figure?”

“Now you know what I mean,” she said, her voice rising as she put

her hands on her hips and looked forward. “I mean today’s last number. Ain’t

you Rine the runner?”

“Rine the runner?”

“Yas, Rinehart the number man. Who you trying to fool?”

“But that’s not my name, madame,” I said, speaking as precisely as I

could and stepping away from her. “You’ve made a mistake.”

Her mouth fell wide. “You ain’t? Well, why you look so much like

him?” she said with hot doubt in her voice. “Now, ain’t this here something.

Let me get on home; if my dream come out, I’m-a have to go look that

rascal up. And here I needs that money too.”

“I hope you won,” I said, straining to see her clearly, “and I hope he

pays off.”

“Thanks, son, but he’ll pay off all right. I can see you ain’t Rinehart

now though. I’m sorry for stopping you.”

“It’s all right,” I said.

“If I’d looked at your shoes I woulda known –”

“Why?”

” ‘Cause Rine the runner is known for them knobtoed kind.”

I watched her limp away, rocking like the Old Ship of Zion. No

wonder everyone knows him, I thought, in that racket you have to get

around. I was aware of my black-and-white shoes for the first time since the

day of Clifton’s shooting.

When the squad car veered close to the curb and rolled along slowly

beside me I knew what was coming before the cop opened his mouth.

“That you, Rinehart, my man?” the cop who was not driving said. He

was white. I could see the shield gleaming on his cap but the number was

vague.

“Not this time, officer,” I said.

“The hell you say; what’re you trying to pull? Is this a holdout?”

“You’re making a mistake,” I said. “I’m not Rinehart.”

The car stopped, a flashlight beamed in my green-lensed eyes. He

spat into the street. “Well, you better be by morning,” he said, “and you

better have our cut in the regular place. Who the hell you think you are?” he

called as the car speeded up and away.

And before I could turn a crowd of men ran up from the corner

pool hall. One of them carried an automatic in his hand.

“What were those sonsabitches trying to do to you, daddy?” he said.

“It was nothing, they thought I was someone else.”

“Who’d they take you for?”

I looked at them — were they criminals or simply men who were

worked up over the shooting?

“Some guy named Rinehart,” I said.

“Rinehart — Hey, y’all hear that?” snorted the fellow with the gun.

“Rinehart! Them paddies must be going stone blind. Anybody can see you

ain’t Rinehart.”

“But he do look like Rine,” another man said, staring at me with his

hands in his trousers pockets.

“Like hell he does.”

“Hell, man, Rinehart would be driving that Cadillac this time of

night. What the hell you talking about?”

“Listen, Jack,” the fellow with the gun said, “don’t let nobody make

you act like Rinehart. You got to have a smooth tongue, a heartless heart and

be ready to do anything. But if them paddies bother you agin, just let us

know. We aim to stop some of this head-whupping they been doing.”

“Sure,” I said.

“Rinehart,” he said again. “Ain’t that a bitch?”

They turned and went arguing back to the pool hall and I hurried

out of the neighborhood. Having forgotten Hambro for the moment I walked

east instead of west. I wanted to remove the glasses but decided against it.

Ras’s men might still be on the prowl.

It was quieter now. No one paid me any special attention, although

the street was alive with pedestrians, all moiling along in the mysterious tint

of green. Perhaps I’m out of his territory at last, I thought and began trying

to place Rinehart in the scheme of things. He’s been around all the while,

but I have been looking in another direction. He was around and others like

him, but I had looked past him until Clifton’s death (or was it Ras?) had

made me aware. What on earth was hiding behind the face of things? If dark

glasses and a white hat could blot out my identity so quickly, who actually

was who?

The perfume was exotic and seemed to roll up the walk behind me

as I became aware of a woman strolling casually behind me.

“I’ve been waiting for you to recognize me, daddy,” a voice said. “I’ve

been waiting for you a long time.”

It was a pleasant voice with a slightly husky edge and plenty of sleep

in it.

“Don’t you hear me, daddy?” she said. And I started to look around,

hearing, “No, daddy, don’t look back; my old man might be cold trailing me.

Just walk along beside me while I tell you where to meet me. I swear I

thought you’d never come. Will you be able to see me tonight?”

She had moved close to me now and suddenly I felt a hand fumbling

at my jacket pocket.

“All right, daddy, you don’t have to jump evil on me, here it is; now

will you see me?”

I stopped dead, grabbing her hand and looking at her, an exotic girl

even through the green glasses, looking at me with a smile that suddenly

broke. “Rinehart, daddy, what’s the matter?”

So here it goes again, I thought, holding her tightly.

“I’m not Rinehart, Miss,” I said. “And for the first time tonight I’m

truly sorry.”

“But Bliss, daddy — Rinehart! You’re not trying to put your baby

down — Daddy, what did I do?”

She seized my arm and we were poised face to face in the middle of

the walk. And suddenly she screamed, “Oooooooh! You really aren’t! And me

trying to give you his money. Get away from me, you dumb John. Get away

from me!”

I backed off. Her face was distorted as she stamped her high heels

and screamed. Behind me I heard someone say, “Hey, what was that?”

followed by the sound of running feet as I shot off and around the corner

away from her screams. That lovely girl, I thought, that lovely girl.

Several blocks away I stopped, out of breath. And both pleased and

angry. How stupid could people be? Was everyone suddenly nuts? I looked

about me. It was a bright street, the walks full of people. I stood at the curb

trying to breathe. Up the street a sign with a cross glowed above the walk:

HOLY WAY STATION

BEHOLD THE LIVING GOD

The letters glowed dark green and I wondered if it were from the lenses or

the actual color of the neon tubes. A couple of drunks stumbled past. I

headed for Hambro’s, passing a man sitting on the curb with his head bent

over his knees. Cars passed. I went on. Two solemn-faced children came

passing out handbills which first I refused, then went back and took. After

all, I had to know what was going on in the community. I took the bill and

stepped close to the street light, reading.

Behold the Invisible

Thy will be done O Lord!

I See all, Know all. Tell all, Cure all.

You shall see the unknown wonders.

— REV. B. P. RINEHART,

Spiritual Technologist.

The old is ever new

Way Stations in New Orleans, the home of mystery,

Birmingham, New York, Chicago, Detroit and L. A.

No Problem too Hard for God.

Come to the Way Station.

BEHOLD THE INVISIBLE!

Attend our services, prayer meetings Thrice weekly

Join us in the NEW REVELATION of the OLD TIME RELIGION!

BEHOLD THE SEEN UNSEEN

BEHOLD THE INVISIBLE

YE WHO ARE WEARY COME HOME!

I DO WHAT YOU WANT DONE! DON’T WAIT!

I dropped the leaflet into the gutter and moved on. I walked slowly,

my breath still coming hard. Could it be? Soon I reached the sign. It hung

above a store that had been converted into a church, and I stepped into the

shallow lobby and wiped my face with a handkerchief. Behind me I heard the

rise and fall of an old-fashioned prayer such as I hadn’t heard since leaving

the campus; and then only when visiting country preachers were asked to

pray. The voice rose and fell in a rhythmical, dreamlike recital-part

enumeration of earthly trials undergone by the congregation, part rapt display

of vocal virtuosity, part appeal to God. I was still wiping my face and

squinting at crude Biblical scenes painted on the windows when two old

ladies came up to me.

“Even’, Rever’n Rinehart,” one of them said. “How’s our dear pastor

this warm evening?”

Oh, no, I thought, but perhaps agreeing will cause less trouble than

denying, and I said, “Good evening, sisters,” muffling my voice with my

handkerchief and catching the odor of the girl’s perfume from my hand.

“This here’s Sister Harris, Rever’n. She come to join our little band.”

“God bless you, Sister Harris,” I said, taking her extended hand.

“You know, Rever’n, I once heard you preach years ago. You was just

a lil’ ole twelve-year-old boy, back in Virginia. And here I come North and

find you, praise God, still preaching the gospel, doing the Lord’s work. Still

preaching the ole time religion here in this wicked city –”

“Er, Sister Harris,” the other sister said, “we better get on in and

find our seats. Besides, the pastor’s kind of got things to do. Though you are

here a little early, aren’t you, Rever’n?”

“Yes,” I said, dabbing my mouth with my handkerchief. They were

motherly old women of the southern type and I suddenly felt a nameless

despair. I wanted to tell them that Rinehart was a fraud, but now there came

a shout from inside the church and I heard a burst of music.

“Just lissen to it, Sister Harris. That’s the new kind of guitar music I

told you Rever’n Rinehart got for us. Ain’t it heavenly?”

“Praise God,” Sister Harris said. “Praise God!”

“Excuse us, Rever’n, I have to see Sister Judkins about the money

she collected for the building fund. And, Rever’n, last night I sold ten

recordings of your inspiring sermon. Even sold one to the white lady I work

for.”

“Bless you,” I found myself saying in a voice heavy with despair,

“bless you, bless you.”

Then the door opened and I looked past their heads into a small

crowded room of men and women sitting in folding chairs, to the front where

a slender woman in a rusty black robe played passionate boogie-woogie on an

upright piano along with a young man wearing a skull cap who struck

righteous riffs from an electric guitar which was connected to an amplifier

that hung from the ceiling above a gleaming white and gold pulpit. A man in

an elegant red cardinal’s robe and a high lace collar stood resting against an

enormous Bible and now began to lead a hard-driving hymn which the

congregation shouted in the unknown tongue. And back and high on the wall

above him there arched the words in letters of gold:

LET THERE BE LIGHT!

The whole scene quivered vague and mysterious in the green light,

then the door closed and the sound muted down.

It was too much for me. I removed my glasses and tucked the white

hat carefully beneath my arm and walked away. Can it be, I thought, can it

actually be? And I knew that it was. I had heard of it before but I’d never

come so close. Still, could he be all of them: Rine the runner and Rine the

gambler and Rine the briber and Rine the lover and Rinehart the Reverend?

Could he himself be both rind and heart? What is real anyway? But how

could I doubt it? He was a broad man, a man of parts who got around.

Rinehart the rounder. It was true as I was true. His world was possibility

and he knew it. He was years ahead of me and I was a fool. I must have

been crazy and blind. The world in which we lived was without boundaries. A

vast seething, hot world of fluidity, and Rine the rascal was at home. Perhaps

only Rine the rascal was at home in it. It was unbelievable, but perhaps only

the unbelievable could be believed. Perhaps the truth was always a lie.

Perhaps, I thought, the whole thing should roll off me like drops of

water rolling off Jack’s glass eye. I should search out the proper political

classification, label Rinehart and his situation and quickly forget it. I hurried

away from the church so swiftly that I found myself back at the office before

I remembered that I was going to Hambro’s.

I was both depressed and fascinated. I wanted to know Rinehart and

yet, I thought, I’m upset because I know I don’t have to know him, that

simply becoming aware of his existence, being mistaken for him, is enough to

convince me that Rinehart is real. It couldn’t be, but it is. And it can be, is,

simply because it’s unknown. Jack wouldn’t dream of such a possibility, nor

Tobitt, who thinks he’s so close. Too little was known, too much was in the

dark. I thought of Clifton and of Jack himself; how much was really known

about either of them? How much was known about me? Who from my old

life had challenged me? And after all this time I had just discovered Jack’s

missing eye.

My entire body started to itch, as though I had just been removed

from a plaster cast and was unused to the new freedom of movement. In the

South everyone knew you, but coming North was a jump into the unknown.

How many days could you walk the streets of the big city without

encountering anyone who knew you, and how many nights? You could

actually make yourself anew. The notion was frightening, for now the world

seemed to flow before my eyes. All boundaries down, freedom was not only

the recognition of necessity, it was the recognition of possibility. And sitting

there trembling I caught a brief glimpse of the possibilities posed by

Rinehart’s multiple personalities and turned away. It was too vast and

confusing to contemplate. Then I looked at the polished lenses of the glasses

and laughed. I had been trying simply to turn them into a disguise but they

had become a political instrument instead; for if Rinehart could use them in

his work, no doubt I could use them in mine. It was too simple, and yet

they had already opened up a new section of reality for me. What would the

committee say about that? What did their theory tell them of such a world? I

recalled a report of a shoeshine boy who had encountered the best treatment

in the South simply by wearing a white turban instead of his usual Dobbs or

Stetson, and I fell into a fit of laughing. Jack would be outraged at the very

suggestion of such a state of things. And yet there was truth in it; this was

the real chaos which he thought he was describing — so long ago it seemed

now . . . Outside the Brotherhood we were outside history; but inside of it

they didn’t see us. It was a hell of a state of affairs, we were nowhere. I

wanted to back away from it, but still I wanted to discuss it, to consult

someone who’d tell me it was only a brief, emotional illusion. I wanted the

props put back beneath the world. So now I had a real need to see Hambro.

Getting up to go, I looked at the wall map and laughed at Columbus.

What an India he’d found! I was almost across the hall when I remembered

and came back and put on the hat and glasses. I’d need them to carry me

through the streets.

I took a cab. Hambro lived in the West Eighties, and once in the

vestibule I tucked the hat under my arm and put the glasses in my pocket

along with Brother Tarp’s leg chain and Clifton’s doll. My pocket was getting

overloaded.

I was shown into a small, book-lined study by Hambro himself. From

another part of the apartment came a child’s voice singing Humpty Dumpty,

awakening humiliating memories of my first Easter program during which I

had stood before the church audience and forgotten the words . . .

“My kid,” Hambro said, “filibustering against going to bed. A real sea

lawyer, that kid.”

The child was singing Hickory Dickory Dock, very fast, as Hambro

shut the door. He was saying something about the child and I looked at him

with sudden irritation. With Rinehart on my mind, why had I come here?

Hambro was so tall that when he crossed his legs both feet touched

the floor. He had been my teacher during my period of indoctrination and

now I realized that I shouldn’t have come. Hambro’s lawyer’s mind was too

narrowly logical. He’d see Rinehart simply as a criminal, my obsession as a

fall into pure mysticism . . . You’d better hope that is the way he’ll see it, I

thought. Then I decided to ask him about conditions uptown and leave . . .

“Look, Brother Hambro,” I said, “what’s to be done about my

district?”

He looked at me with a dry smile. “Have I become one of those

bores who talk too much about their children?”

“Oh, no, it’s not that,” I said. “I’ve had a hard day. I’m nervous.

With Clifton’s death and things in the district so bad, I guess . . .”

“Of course,” he said, still smiling, “but why are you worried about

the district?”

“Because things are getting out of hand. Ras’s men tried to rough me

up tonight and our strength is steadily going to hell.”

“That’s regrettable,” he said, “but there’s nothing to be done about it

that wouldn’t upset the larger plan. It’s unfortunate, Brother, but your

members will have to be sacrificed.”

The distant child had stopped singing now, and it was dead quiet. I

looked at the angular composure ot his face searching for the sincerity in his

words. I could feel some deep change. It was as though my discovery of

Rinehart had opened a gulf between us over which, though we sat within

touching distance, our voices barely carried and then fell flat, without an

echo. I tried to shake it away, but still the distance, so great that neither

could grasp the emotional tone of the other, remained.

“Sacrifice?” my voice said. “You say that very easily.”

“Just the same, though, all who leave must be considered expendable.

The new directives must be followed rigidly.”

It sounded unreal, an antiphonal game. “But why?” I said. “Why

must the directives be changed in my district when the old methods are

needed — especially now?” Somehow I couldn’t get the needed urgency into

my words, and beneath it all something about Rinehart bothered me, darted

just beneath the surface of my mind; something that had to do with me

intimately.

“It’s simple, Brother,” Hambro was saying. “We are making temporary

alliances with other political groups and the interests of one group of brothers

must be sacrificed to that ot the whole.”

“Why wasn’t I told of this?” I said.

“You will be, in time, by the committee — Sacrifice is necessary now

–”

“But shouldn’t sacrifice be made willingly by those who know what

they are doing? My people don’t understand why they’re being sacrificed.

They don’t even know they’re being sacrificed — at least not by us . . .” But

what, my mind went on, if they’re as willing to be duped by the Brotherhood

as by Rinehart?

I sat up at the thought and there must have been an odd expression

on my face, for Hambro, who was resting his elbows upon the arms of his

chair and touching his fingertips together, raised his eyebrows as though

expecting me to continue. Then he said, “The disciplined members will

understand.”

I pulled Tarp’s leg chain from my pocket and slipped it over my

knuckles. He didn’t notice. “Don’t you realize that we have only a handful of

disciplined members left? Today the funeral brought out hundreds who’ll drop

away as soon as they see we’re not following through. And now we’re being

attacked on the streets. Can’t you understand? Other groups are circulating

petitions, Ras is calling for violence. The committee is mistaken if they think

this is going to die down.”

He shrugged. “It’s a risk which we must take. All of us must sacrifice

for the good of the whole. Change is achieved through sacrifice. We follow

the laws of reality, so we make sacrifices.”

“But the community is demanding equality of sacrifice,” I said.

“We’ve never asked for special treatment.”

“It isn’t that simple, Brother,” he said. “We have to protect our gains.

It’s inevitable that some must make greater sacrifices than others . . .”

“That ‘some’ being my people . . .”

“In this instance, yes.”

“So the weak must sacrifice for the strong? Is that it, Brother?”

“No, a part of the whole is sacrificed — and will continue to be until

a new society is formed.”

“I don’t get it,” I said. “I just don’t get it. We work our hearts out

trying to get the people to follow us and just when they do, just when they

see their relationship to events, we drop them. I don’t see it.”

Hambro smiled remotely. “We don’t have to worry about the

aggressiveness of the Negroes. Not during the new period or any other. In

fact, we now have to slow them down for their own good. It’s a scientific

necessity.”

I looked at him, at the long, bony, almost Lincolnesque face. I might

have liked him, I thought, he seems to be a really kind and sincere man and

yet he can say this to me . . .

“So you really believe that,” I said quietly.

“With all my integrity,” he said.

For a second I thought I’d laugh. Or let fly with Tarp’s link.

Integrity! He talks to me of integrity! I described a circle in the air. I’d tried

to build my integrity upon the role of Brotherhood and now it had changed

to water, air. What was integrity? What did it have to do with a world in

which Rinehart was possible and successful?

“But what’s changed?” I said. “Wasn’t I brought in to arouse their

aggressiveness?” My voice fell sad, hopeless.

“For that particular period,” Hambro said, leaning a little forward.

“Only for that period.”

“And what will happen now?” I said.

He blew a smoke ring, the blue-gray circle rising up boiling within

its own jetting form, hovering for an instant then disintegrating into a

weaving strand.

“Cheer up!” he said. “We shall progress. Only now they must be

brought along more slowly . . .”

How would he look through the green lenses? I thought, saying, “Are

you sure you’re not saying that they must be held back?”

He chuckled. “Now, listen,” he said. “Don’t stretch me on a rack of

dialectic. I’m a brother.”

“You mean the brakes must be put on the old wheel of history,” I

said. “Or is it the little wheels within the wheel?”

His face sobered. “I mean only that they must be brought along

more slowly. They can’t be allowed to upset the tempo of the master plan.

Timing is all important. Besides, you still have a job to do, only now it will

be more educational.”

“And what about the shooting?”

“Those who are dissatisfied will drop away and those who remain

you’ll teach . . .”

“I don’t think I can,” I said.

“Why? It’s just as important.”

“Because they are against us; besides, I’d feel like Rinehart . . .” It

slipped out and he looked at me.

“Like who?”

“Like a charlatan,” I said.

Hambro laughed. “I thought you had learned about that, Brother.”

I looted at him quickly. “Learned what?”

“That it’s impossible not to take advantage of the people.”

“That’s Rinehartism — cynicism . . .”

“What?”

“Cynicism,” I said.

“Not cynicism — realism. The trick is to take advantage of them in

their own best interest.”

I sat forward in my chair, suddenly conscious of the unreality of the

conversation. “But who is to judge? Jack? The committee?”

“We judge through cultivating scientific objectivity,” he said with a

voice that had a smile in it, and suddenly I saw the hospital machine, felt as

though locked in again.

“Don’t kid yourself,” I said. “The only scientific objectivity is a

machine.”

“Discipline, not machinery,” he said. “We’re scientists. We must take

the risks of our science and our will to achieve. Would you like to resurrect

God to take responsibility?” He shook his head. “No, Brother, we have to

make such decisions ourselves. Even if we must sometimes appear as

charlatans.”

“You’re in for some surprises,” I said.

“Maybe so and maybe not,” he said. “At any rate, through our very

position in the vanguard we must do and say the things necessary to get the

greatest number of the people to move toward what is for their own good.”

Suddenly I couldn’t stand it.

“Look at me! Look at me!” I said. “Everywhere I’ve turned somebody

has wanted to sacrifice me for my good — only they were the ones who

benefited. And now we start on the old sacrificial merry-go-round. At what

point do we stop? Is this the new true definition, is Brotherhood a matter of

sacrificing the weak? If so, at what point do we stop?”

Hambro looked as though I were not there. “At the proper moment

science will stop us. And of course we as individuals must sympathetically

debunk ourselves. Even though it does only a little good. But then,” he

shrugged, “if you go too far in that direction you can’t pretend to lead. You’ll

lose your confidence. You won’t believe enough in your own correctness to

lead others. You must therefore have confidence in those who lead you — in

the collective wisdom of Brotherhood.”

I left in a worse state than that in which I’d come. Several buildings

away I heard him call behind me, watched him approach through the dark.

“You left your hat,” he said, handing it to me along with the

mimeographed sheets of instructions outlining the new program. I looked at

the hat and at him, thinking of Rinehart and invisibility, but knew that for

him it would have no reality. I told him good night and went through the

hot street to Central Park West, starting toward Harlem.

Sacrifice and leadership, I thought. For him it was simple. For them

it was simple. But hell, I was both. Both sacrificer and victim. I couldn’t get

away from that, and Hambro didn’t have to deal with it. That was reality too,

my reality. He didn’t have to put the knife blade to his own throat. What

would he say if he were the victim?

I walked along the park in the dark. Cars passed. From time to time

the sound of voices, squealing laughter, arose from beyond the trees and

hedges. I could smell the sun-singed grass. The sky against which an airplane

beacon played was still overcast. I thought of Jack, the people at the funeral,

Rinehart. They’d asked us for bread and the best I could give was a glass eye

— not so much as an electric guitar.

I stopped and dropped to a bench. I should leave, I thought. That

would be the honest thing to do. Otherwise I could only tell them to have

hope and try to hold on to those who’d listen. Was that also what Rinehart

was, a principle of hope for which they gladly paid? Otherwise there was

nothing but betrayal, and that meant going back to serve Bledsoe, and

Emerson, jumping from the pot of absurdity to the fire of the ridiculous. And

either was a self-betrayal. But I couldn’t leave; I had to settle with Jack and

Tobitt. I owed it to Clifton and Tarp and the others. I had to hold on … and

then I had an idea that shook me profoundly: You don’t have to worry about

the people. If they tolerate Rinehart, then they will forget it and even with

them you are invisible. It lasted only the fraction of a second and I rejected

it immediately; still it had flashed across the dark sky of my mind. It was

just like that. It didn’t matter because they didn’t realize just what had

happened, neither my hope nor my failure. My ambition and integrity were

nothing to them and my failure was as meaningless as Clifton’s. It had been

that way all along. Only in the Brotherhood had there seemed a chance for

such as us, the mere glimmer of a light, but behind the polished and humane

fa?de of Jack’s eye I’d found an amorphous form and a harsh red rawness.

And even that was without meaning except for me.

Well, I was and yet I was invisible, that was the fundamental

contradiction. I was and yet I was unseen. It was frightening and as I sat

there I sensed another frightening world of possibilities. For now I saw that I

could agree with Jack without agreeing. And I could tell Harlem to have hope

when there was no hope. Perhaps I could tell them to hope until I found the

basis of something real, some firm ground for action that would lead them

onto the plane of history. But until then I would have to move them without

myself being moved . . . I’d have to do a Rinehart.

I leaned against a stone wall along the park, thinking of Jack and

Hambro and of the day’s events and shook with rage. It was all a swindle, an

obscene swindle! They had set themselves up to describe the world. What did

they know of us, except that we numbered so many, worked on certain jobs,

offered so many votes, and provided so many marchers for some protest

parade of theirs! I leaned there, aching to humiliate them, to refute them.

And now all past humiliations became precious parts of my experience, and

for the first time, leaning against that stone wall in the sweltering night, I

began to accept my past and, as I accepted it, I felt memories welling up

within me. It was as though I’d learned suddenly to look around corners;

images of past humiliations flickered through my head and I saw that they

were more than separate experiences. They were me; they defined me. I was

my experiences and my experiences were me, and no blind men, no matter

how powerful they became, even if they conquered the world, could take that,

or change one single itch, taunt, laugh, cry, scar, ache, rage or pain of it.

They were blind, bat blind, moving only by the echoed sounds of their own

voices. And because they were blind they would destroy themselves and I’d

help them. I laughed. Here I had thought they accepted me because they felt

that color made no difference, when in reality it made no difference because

they didn’t see either color or men . . . For all they were concerned, we were

so many names scribbled on fake ballots, to be used at their convenience and

when not needed to be filed away. It was a joke, an absurd joke. And now I

looked around a corner of my mind and saw Jack and Norton and Emerson

merge into one single white figure. They were very much the same, each

attempting to force his picture of reality upon me and neither giving a hoot

in hell for how things looked to me. I was simply a material, a natural

resource to be used. I had switched from the arrogant absurdity of Norton

and Emerson to that of Jack and the Brotherhood, and it all came out the

same — except I now recognized my invisibility.

So I’d accept it, I’d explore it, rine and heart. I’d plunge into it with

both feet and they’d gag. Oh, but wouldn’t they gag. I didn’t know what my

grandfather had meant, but I was ready to test his advice. I’d overcome them

with yeses, undermine them with grins, I’d agree them to death and

destruction. Yes, and I’d let them swallow me until they vomited or burst

wide open. Let them gag on what they refused to see. Let them choke on it.

That was one risk they hadn’t calculated. That was a risk they had never

dreamt of in their philosophy. Nor did they know that they could discipline

themselves to destruction, that saying “yes” could destroy them. Oh, I’d yes

them, but wouldn’t I yes them! I’d yes them till they puked and rolled in it.

All they wanted of me was one belch of affirmation and I’d bellow it out

loud. Yesl Yes! YES! That was all anyone wanted of us, that we should be

heard and not seen, and then heard only in one big optimistic chorus of

yassuh, yassuh, yassuh! All right, I’d yea, yea and oui, oui and si, si and see,

see them too; and I’d walk around in their guts with hobnailed boots. Even

those super-big shots whom I’d never seen at committee meetings. They

wanted a machine? Very well, I’d become a supersensitive confirmer of their

misconceptions, and just to hold their confidence I’d try to be right part of

the time. Oh, I’d serve them well and I’d make invisibility felt if not seen,

and they’d learn that it could be as polluting as a decaying body, or a piece

of bad meat in a stew. And if I got hurt? Very well again. Besides, didn’t

they believe in sacrifice? They were the subtle thinkers — would this be

treachery? Did the word apply to an invisible man? Could they recognize

choice in that which wasn’t seen . . . ?

The more I thought of it the more I fell into a kind of morbid

fascination with the possibility. Why hadn’t I discovered it sooner? How

different my life might have been! How terribly different! Why hadn’t I seen

the possibilities? If a sharecropper could attend college by working during the

summers as a waiter and factory hand or as a musician and then graduate to

become a doctor, why couldn’t all those things be done at one and the same

time? And wasn’t that old slave a scientist — or at least called one,

recognized as one — even when he stood with hat in hand, bowing and

scraping in senile and obscene servility? My God, what possibilities existed!

And that spiral business, that progress goo! Who knew all the secrets; hadn’t

I changed my name and never been challenged even once? And that lie that

success was a rising upward. What a crummy lie they kept us dominated by.

Not only could you travel upward toward success but you could travel

downward as well; up and down, in retreat as well as in advance, crabways

and crossways and around in a circle, meeting your old selves coming and

going and perhaps all at the same time. How could I have missed it for so

long? Hadn’t I grown up around gambler-politicians, bootlegger-judges and

sheriffs who were burglars; yes, and Klansmen who were preachers and

members of humanitarian societies? Hell, and hadn’t Bledsoe tried to tell me

what it was all about? I felt more dead than alive. It had been quite a day;

one that could not have been more shattering even if I had learned that the

man whom I’d always called father was actually of no relation to me.

I went to the apartment and fell across the bed in my clothes. It was

hot and the fan did little more than stir the heat in heavy leaden waves,

beneath which I lay twirling the dark glasses and watching the hypnotic

flickering of the lenses as I tried to make plans. I would hide my anger and

lull them to sleep; assure them that the community was in full agreement

with their program. And as proof I would falsify the attendance records by

filling out membership cards with fictitious names — all unemployed, of

course, so as to avoid any question of dues. Yes, and I would move about the

community by night and during times of danger by wearing the white hat

and the dark glasses. It was a dreary prospect but a means of destroying

them, at least in Harlem. I saw no possibility of organizing a splinter

movement, for what would be the next step? Where would we go? There were

no allies with whom we could join as equals; nor were there time or theorists

available to work out an over-all program of our own — although I felt that

somewhere between Rinehart and invisibility there were great potentialities.

But we had no money, no intelligence apparatus, either in government,

business or labor unions; and no communications with our own people except

through unsympathetic newspapers, a few Pullman porters who brought

provincial news from distant cities and a group of domestics who reported the

fairly uninteresting private lives of their employers. If only we had some true

friends, some who saw us as more than convenient tools for shaping their

own desires! But to hell with that, I thought, I would remain and become a

well-disciplined optimist, and help them to go merrily to hell. If I couldn’t

help them to see the reality of our lives I would help them to ignore it until

it exploded in their faces.

Only one thing bothered me: Since I now knew that their real

objectives were never revealed at committee meetings I needed some channel

of intelligence through which I could learn what actually guided their

operations. But how? If only I had resisted being shifted downtown I would

now have enough support in the community to insist that they reveal

themselves. Yes, but if I hadn’t been shifted, I would still be living in a world

of illusion. But now that I had found the thread of reality, how could I hold

on? They seemed to have me blocked at every turn, forcing me to fight them

in the dark. Finally I tossed the glasses across the bed and dropped into a

fitful nap during which I relived the events of the last few days; except that

instead ot Clifton being lost it was myself, and I awoke stale, sweaty and

aware of perfume.

I lay on my stomach, my head resting upon the back of my hand

thinking, where is it coming from? And just as I caught sight ot the glasses I

remembered grasping Rinehart’s girl’s hand. I lay there unmoving, and she

seemed to perch on the bed, a bright-eyed bird with her glossy head and ripe

breasts, and I was in a wood afraid to frighten the bird away. Then I was

fully awake and the bird gone and the girl’s image in my mind. What would

have happened if I had led her on, how far could I have gone? A desirable

girl like that mixed up with Rinehart. And now I sat breathless, asking myself

how Rinehart would have solved the problem of information and it came

instantly clear: It called for a woman. A wife, a girl friend, or secretary of

one ot the leaders, who would be willing to talk freely to me. My mind swept

back to early experiences in the movement. Little incidents sprang to memory,

bringing images of the smiles and gestures of certain women met after rallies

and at parties: Dancing with Emma at the Chthonian; she close, soft against

me and the hot swift focusing of my desire and my embarrassment as I

caught sight of Jack holding forth in a corner, and Emma holding me tight,

her bound breasts pressing against me, looking with that teasing light in her

eyes saying, “Ah, temptation,” and my desperate grab for a sophisticated reply

and managing only, “Oh, but there’s always temptation,” surprising myself

nevertheless and hearing her laughing, “Touche! Touche! You should come up

and fence with me some afternoon.” That had been during the early days

when I had felt strong restrictions and resented Emma’s boldness and her

opinion that I should have been blacker to play my role of Harlem leader.

Well, there were no restrictions left, the committee had seen to that. She was

fair game and perhaps she’d find me black enough, after all. A committee

meeting was set for tomorrow, and since it was Jack’s birthday, a party at

the Chthonian would follow. Thus I would launch my two-pronged attack

under the most favorable circumstance. They were forcing me to Rinehart

methods, so bring on the scientists!

Chapter 24

I started yessing them the next day and it began beautifully. The

community was still going apart at the seams. Crowds formed at the slightest

incidents. Store windows were smashed and several clashes erupted during the

morning between bus drivers and their passengers. The papers listed similar

incidents that had exploded during the night. The mirrored fa?de of one store

on 125th Street was smashed and I passed to see a group of boys watching

their distorted images as they danced before the jagged glass. A group of

adults looked on, refusing to move at the policemen’s command, and

muttering about Clifton. I didn’t like the look of things, for all my wish to

see the committee confounded.

When I reached the office, members were there with reports of

clashes in other parts of the district. I didn’t like it at all; the violence was

pointless and, helped along by Ras, was actually being directed against the

community itself. Yet in spite of my sense of violated responsibility I was

pleased by the developments and went ahead with my plan. I sent out

members to mingle with crowds and try to discourage any further violence

and sent an open letter to all the press denouncing them for “distorting” and

inflating minor incidents.

Late that afternoon at headquarters I reported that things were

quieting down and that we were getting a large part of the community

interested in a clean-up campaign, which would clear all backyards, areaways,

and vacant lots of garbage and trash and take Harlem’s mind off Clifton. It

was such a bareface maneuver that I almost lost the confidence of my

invisibility even as I stood before them. But they loved it, and when I handed

in my fake list of new members they responded with enthusiasm. They were

vindicated; the program was correct, events were progressing in their

predetermined direction, history was on their side, and Harlem loved them. I

sat there smiling inwardly as I listened to the remarks that followed. I could

see the role which I was to play as plainly as I saw Jack’s red hair. Incidents

of my past, both recognized and ignored, sprang together in my mind in an

ironic leap of consciousness that was like looking around a corner. I was to

be a justifier, my task would be to deny the unpredictable human element of

all Harlem so that they could ignore it when it in any way interfered with

their plans. I was to keep ever before them the picture of a bright, passive,

good-humored, receptive mass ever willing to accept their every scheme. When

situations arose in which others would respond with righteous anger I would

say that we were calm and unruffled (if it suited them to have us angry, then

it was simple enough to create anger for us by stating it in their propaganda;

the facts were unimportant, unreal); and if other people were confused by

their maneuvering I was to reassure them that we pierced to the truth with

x-ray insight. If other groups were interested in becoming wealthy, I was to

assure the Brothers and the doubting members of other districts, that we

rejected wealth as corrupt and intrinsically degrading; if other minorities loved

the country despite their grievances, I would assure the committee that we,

immune to such absurdly human and mixed reactions, hated it absolutely;

and, greatest contradiction of all, when they denounced the American scene as

corrupt and degenerate, I was to say that we, though snarled inextricably

within its veins and sinews, were miraculously healthy. Yessuh, yessuh!

Though invisible I would be their assuring voice of denial; I’d out-Tobitt

Tobitt, and as for that outhouse Wrestrum — well. As I sat there one of them

was inflating my faked memberships into meanings of national significance.

An illusion was creating a counter-illusion. Where would it end? Did they

believe their own propaganda?

Afterwards at the Chthonian it was like old times. Jack’s birthday

was an occasion for champagne and the hot, dog-day evening was even more

volatile than usual. I felt highly confident, but here my plan went slightly

wrong. Emma was quite gay and responsive, but something about her hard,

handsome face warned me to lay off. I sensed that while she might willingly

surrender herself (in order to satisfy herself) she was far too sophisticated

and skilled in intrigue to compromise her position as Jack’s mistress by

revealing anything important to me. So as I danced and sparred with Emma I

looked over the party for a second choice.

We were thrown together at the bar. Her name was Sybil and she

was one of those who assumed that my lectures on the woman question were

based upon a more intimate knowledge than the merely political and had

indicated several times a willingness to know me better. I had always

pretended not to understand, for not only had my first such experience taught

me to avoid such situations, but at the Chthonian she was usually slightly

tipsy and wistful — just the type of misunderstood married woman whom,

even if I had been interested, I would have avoided like the plague. But now

her unhappiness and the fact that she was one of the big shot’s wives made

her a perfect choice. She was very lonely and it went very smoothly. In the

noisy birthday party — which was to be followed by a public celebration the

next evening — we weren’t noticed, and when she left fairly early in the

evening I saw her home. She felt neglected and he was always busy, and

when I left her I had arranged a rendezvous at my apartment for the

following evening. George, the husband, would be at the birthday celebration

and she wouldn’t be missed.

IT WAS a hot dry August night. Lightning flashed across the eastern

sky and a breathless tension was in the humid air. I had spent the afternoon

preparing, leaving the office on a pretense of illness to avoid having to attend

the celebration. I had neither itch nor etchings, but there was a vase of

Chinese lilies in the living room, and another of American Beauty roses on

the table near the bed; and I had put in a supply of wine, whiskey and

liqueur, extra ice cubes, and assortments of fruit, cheese, nuts, candy and

other delicacies from the Vendome. In short, I tried to manage things as I

imagined Rinehart would have done.

But I bungled it from the beginning. I made the drinks too strong —

which she liked too well; and I brought up politics — which she all but hated

— too early in the evening. For all her exposure to ideology she had no

interest in politics and no idea of the schemes that occupied her husband

night and day. She was more interested in the drinks, in which I had to join

her glass for glass, and in little dramas which she had dreamed up around

the figures of Joe Louis and Paul Robeson. And, although I had neither the

stature nor the temperament for either role, I was expected either to sing

“Old Man River” and just keep rolling along, or to do fancy tricks with my

muscles. I was confounded and amused and it became quite a contest, with

me trying to keep the two of us in touch with reality and with her casting

me in fantasies in which I was Brother

Taboo-with-whom-all-things-are-possible.

Now it was late and as I came into the room with another round of

drinks she had let down her hair and was beckoning to me with a gold

hairpin in her teeth, saying, “Come to mamma, beautiful,” from where she sat

on the bed.

“Your drink, madame,” I said, handing her a glass and hoping the

fresh drink would discourage any new ideas.

“Come on, dear,” she said coyly. “I want to ask you something.”

“What is it?” I said.

“I have to whisper it, beautiful.”

I sat and her lips came close to my ear. And suddenly she had

drained the starch out of me. I pulled away. There was something almost

prim about the way she sat there, and yet she had just made a modest

proposal that I join her in a very revolting ritual.

“What was that!” I said, and she repeated it. Had life suddenly

become a crazy Thurber cartoon?

“Please, you’ll do that for me, won’t you, beautiful?”

“You really mean it?”

“Yes,” she said, “yes!”

There was a pristine incorruptibility about her face now that upset

me all the more, for she was neither kidding nor trying to insult me; and I

could not tell if it were horror speaking to me ont of innocence, or innocence

emerging unscathed from the obscene scheme of the evening. I only knew

that the whole affair was a mistake. She had no information and I decided to

get her out of the apartment before I had to deal definitely with either the

horror or the innocence, while I could still deal with it as a joke. What

would Rinehart do about this, I thought, and knowing, determined not to let

her provoke me to violence.

“But, Sybil, you can see I’m not like that. You make me feel a

tender, protective passion — Look, it’s like an oven in here, why don’t we get

dressed and go for a walk in Central Park?”

“But I need it,” she said, uncrossing her thighs and sitting up

eagerly. “You can do it, it’ll be easy for you, beautiful. Threaten to kill me if

I don’t give in. You know, talk rough to me, beautiful. A friend of mine said

the fellow said, ‘Drop your drawers’ . . . and –”

“He said what!” I said.

“He really did,” she said.

I looked at her. She was blushing, her cheeks, even her freckled

bosom, were bright red.

“Go on,” I said, as she lay back again. “Then what happened?”

“Well . . . he called her a filthy name,” she said, hesitating coyly.

She was a leathery old girl with chestnut hair of fine natural wave which was

now fanned out over the pillow. She was blushing quite deeply. Was this

meant to excite me, or was it an unconscious expression of revulsion?

“A really filthy name,” she said. “Oh, he was a brute, huge, with

white teeth, what they call a ‘buck.’ And he said, ‘Bitch, drop your drawers,’

and then he did it. She’s such a lovely girl, too, really delicate with a

complexion like strawberries and cream. You can’t imagine anyone calling her

a name like that.”

She sat up now, her elbows denting the pillow as she looked into my

face.

“But what happened, did they catch him?” I said.

“Oh, of course not, beautiful, she only told two of us girls. She

couldn’t afford to let her husband hear of it. He . . . well, it’s too long a

story.”

“It’s terrible,” I said. “Don’t you think we should go . . . ?”

“Isn’t it, though? She was in a state for months . . .” her expression

flickered, became indeterminate.

“What is it?” I said, afraid she might cry.

“Oh, I was just wondering how she really felt. I really do.” Suddenly

she looked at me mysteriously. “Can I trust you with a deep secret?”

I sat up. “Don’t tell me that it was you.”

She smiled, “Oh, no, that was a dear friend of mine. But do you

know what, beautiful,” she said leaning forward confidentially, “I think I’m a

nymphomaniac.”

“You? Noooo!”

“Uh huh. Sometimes I have such thoughts and dreams. I never give

into them though, but I really think I am. A woman like me has to develop

an iron discipline.”

I laughed inwardly. She would soon be a biddy, stout, with a little

double chin and a three-ply girdle. A thin gold chain showed around a

thickening ankle. And yet I was becoming aware of something warmly,

infuriatingly feminine about her. I reached out, stroking her hand. “Why do

you have such ideas about yourself?” I said, seeing her raise up and pluck at

the corner of the pillow, drawing out a speckled feather and stripping the

down from its shaft.

“Repression,” she said with great sophistication. “Men have repressed

us too much. We’re expected to pass up too many human things. But do you

know another secret?”

I bowed my head.

“You don’t mind my going on, do you, beautiful?”

“No, Sybil.”

“Well, ever since I first heard about it, even when I was a very little

girl, I’ve wanted it to happen to me.”

“You mean what happened to your friend?”

“Uh huh.”

“Good Lord, Sybil, did you ever tell that to anyone else?”

“Of course not, I wouldn’t’ve dared. Are you shocked?”

“Some. But Sybil, why do you tell me?”

“Oh, I know that I can trust you. I just knew you’d understand;

you’re not like other men. We’re kind of alike.”

She was smiling now and reached out and pushed me gently, and I

thought, here it goes again.

“Lie back and let me look at you against that white sheet. You’re

beautiful, I’ve always thought so. Like warm ebony against pure snow — see

what you do, you make me talk poetry. ‘Warm ebony against pure snow,’ isn’t

that poetic?”

“I’m the sensitive type, you musn’t make fun of me.”

“But really you are, and I feel so free with you. You’ve no idea.”

I looked at the red imprint left by the straps of her bra, thinking,

Who’s taking revenge on whom? But why be surprised, when that’s what they

hear all their lives. When it’s made into a great power and they’re taught to

worship all types of power? With all the warnings against it, some are bound

to want to try it out for themselves. The conquerors conquered. Maybe a

great number secretly want it; maybe that’s why they scream when it’s

farthest from possibility —

“That’s it,” she said tightly. “Look at me like that; just like you want

to tear me apart. I love for you to look at me like that!”

I laughed and touched her chin. She had me on the ropes; I felt

punch drunk, I couldn’t deliver and I couldn’t be angry either. I thought of

lecturing her on the respect due one’s bedmate in our society, but I no longer

deluded myself that I either knew the society or where I fitted into it.

Besides, I thought, she thinks you’re an entertainer. That’s something else

they’re taught.

I raised my glass and she joined me in a drink, moving close.

“You will, won’t you, beautiful?” she said, her lips, raw-looking now

without makeup, pouting babyishly. So why not entertain her, be a gentleman,

or whatever it is she thinks you are — What does she think you are? A

domesticated rapist, obviously, an expert on the woman question. Maybe that’s

what you are, house-broken and with a convenient verbal push-button

arrangement for the ladies’ pleasure. Well, so I had set this trap for myself.

“Take this,” I said, shoving another glass into her hand. “It’ll be

better after you’ve had a drink, more realistic.”

“Oh, yes, that’ll be wonderful.” She took a drink and looked up

thoughtfully. “I get so tired of living the way I do, beautiful. Soon I’ll be old

and nothing will’ve happened to me. Do you know what that means? George

talks a lot about women’s rights, but what does he know about what a

woman needs? Him with his forty minutes of brag and ten of bustle. Oh, you

have no idea what you’re doing for me.”

“Nor you for me, Sybil dear,” I said, filling the glass again. At last

my drinks were beginning to work.

She shook her long hair out over her shoulders and crossed her

knees, watching me. Her head had begun to weave.

“Don’t drink too much, beautiful,” she said. “It always takes the pep

out of George.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I rapes real good when I’m drunk.”

She looked startled. “Ooooh, then pour me another,” she said, giving

herself a bounce. She was as delighted as a child, holding out her glass

eagerly.

“What’s happening here,” I said, “a new birth of a nation?”

“What’d you say, beautiful?”

“Nothing, a bad joke. Forget it.”

“That’s what I like about you, beautiful. You haven’t told me a single

one of those vulgar jokes. Come on, beautiful,” she said, “pour.”

I poured her another and another; in fact, I poured us both quite a

few. I was far away; it wasn’t happening to me or to her and I felt a certain

confused pity which I didn’t wish to feel. Then she looked at me, her eyes

bright behind narrowed lids and raised up and struck me where it hurt.

“Come on, beat me, daddy — you — you big black bruiser. What’s

taking you so long?” she said. “Hurry up, knock me down! Don’t you want

me?”

I was annoyed enough to slap her. She lay aggressively receptive,

flushed, her navel no goblet but a pit in an earth-quaking land, flexing taut

and expansive. Then she said, “Come on, come on!” and I said, “Sure, sure,”

looking around wildly and starting to pour the drink upon her and was

stopped, my emotions locked, as I saw her lipstick lying on the table and

grabbed it, saying, “Yes, yes,” as I bent to write furiously across her belly in

drunken inspiration:

SYBIL, YOU WERE RAPED

BY

SANTA CLAUS

SURPRISE

and paused there, trembling above her, my knees on the bed as she waited

with unsteady expectancy. It was a purplish metallic shade of lipstick and as

she panted with anticipation the letters stretched and quivered, up hill and

down dale, and she was lit up like a luminescent sign.

“Hurry, boo’ful, hurry,” she said.

I looked at her, thinking, Just wait until George sees that — if

George ever gets around to seeing that. He’ll read a lecture on an aspect of

the woman question he’s never thought about. She lay anonymous beneath my

eyes until I saw her face, shaped by her emotion which I could not fulfill,

and I thought, Poor Sybil, she picked a boy for a man’s job and nothing was

as it was supposed to be. Even the black bruiser fell down on the job. She’d

lost control of her liquor now and suddenly I bent and kissed her upon the

lips.

“Shhh, be quiet,” I said, “that’s no way to act when you’re being –”

and she raised her lips for more and I kissed her again and calmed her and

she dozed off and I decided again to end the farce. Such games were for

Rinehart, not me. I stumbled out and got a damp towel and began rubbing

out the evidence of my crime. It was as tenacious as sin and it took some

time. Water wouldn’t do it, whiskey would have smelled and finally I had to

find benzine. Fortunately she didn’t arouse until I was almost finished.

“D’you do it, boo’ful?” she said.

“Yes, of course,” I said. “Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“Yes, but I don’t seem t’remember . . .”

I looked at her and wanted to laugh. She was trying to see me but

her eyes wouldn’t focus am aer head kept swinging to one side, yet she was

making a real effort, and suddenly I felt lighthearted.

“By the way,” I said, trying to do something with her hair, “what’s

your name, lady?”

“It’s Sybil,” she said indignantly, almost tearfully. “Boo’ful, you know

I’m Sybil.”

“Not when I grabbed you, I didn’t.”

Her eyes widened and a smile wobbled across her face.

“That’s right, you couldn’t, could you? You never saw me before.” She

was delighted, I could almost see the idea take form in her mind.

“That’s right,” I said. “I leaped straight out of the wall. I

overpowered you in the empty lobby — remember? I smothered your terrified

screams.”

” ‘N’ did I put up a good fight?”

“Like a lioness defending her young . . .”

“But you were such a strong big brute you made me give in. I didn’t

want to, did I now, boo’ful? You forced me ‘gainst m’ will.”

“Sure,” I said, picking up some silken piece of clothing. “You brought

out the beast in me. I overpowered you. But what could I do?”

She studied that a while and for a second her face worked again as

though she would cry. But it was another smile that bloomed there.

“And wasn’t I a good nymphomaniac?” she said, watching me closely.

“Really and truly?”

“You have no idea,” I said. “George had better keep an eye on you.”

She twisted herself from side to side with irritation. “Oh, nuts! That

ole Georgie porgie wouldn’t know a nymphomaniac if she got right into bed

with him!”

“You’re wonderful,” I said. “Tell me about George. Tell me about that

great master mind of social change.”

She steadied her gaze, frowning. “Who, Georgie?” she said, looking at

me out of one bleary eye. “Georgie’s blind ‘sa mole in a hole ‘n doesn’t know

a thing about it. ‘D you ever hear of such a thing, fifteen years! Say, what’re

you laughing at, boo’ful?”

“Me,” I said, beginning to roar, “just me . . .”

“I’ve never seen anyone laugh like you, boo’ful. It’s wonderful!”

I was slipping her dress over her head now and her voice came

muffled through the shantung cloth. Then I had it down around her hips and

her flushed face wavered through the collar, her hair down in disorder again.

“Boo’ful,” she said, blowing the word, “will you do it again

sometimes?”

I stepped away and looked at her. “What?”

“Please, pretty boo’ful, please,” she said with a wobbly smile.

I began to laugh, “Sure,” I said, “sure . . .”

“When, boo’ful, when?”

“Any time,” I said. “How about every Thursday at nine?”

“Oooooh, boo’ful,” she said, giving me an old-fashioned hug. “I’ve

never seen anyone like you.”

“Are you sure?” I said.

“Really, I haven’t, boo’ful . . . Honor bright . . . believe me?”

“Sure, it’s good to be seen, but we’ve got to go now,” I said seeing

her about to sag to the bed.

She pouted. “I need a lil nightcap, boo’ful,” she said.

“You’ve had enough,” I said.

“Ah, boo’ful, jus’ one . . .”

“Okay, just one.”

We had another drink and I looked at her and felt the pity and

self-disgust returning and was depressed.

She looked at me gravely, her head to one side.

“Boo’ful,” she said, “you know what lil ole Sybil thinks? She thinks

you’re trying to get rid of her.”

I looked at her out of a deep emptiness and refilled her glass and

mine. What had I done to her, allowed her to do? Had all of it filtered down

to me? My action . . . my — the painful word formed as disconnectedly as

her wobbly smile — my responsibility? All of it? I’m invisible. “Here,” I said,

“drink.”

“You too, boo’ful,” she said.

“Yes,” I said. She moved into my arms.

I MUST have dozed. There came the tinkling of ice in a glass, the

shrill of bells. I felt profoundly sad, as though winter had fallen during the

hour. She lay, her chestnut hair let down, watching through heavy-lidded,

blue, eye-shadowed eyes. From far away a new sound arose.

“Don’t answer, boo’ful,” she said, her voice coming through suddenly,

out of time with the working of her mouth.

“What?” I said.

“Don’t answer, let’er ring,” she said, reaching her red-nailed fingers

forth.

I took it from her hands, understanding now.

“Don’t, boo’ful,” she said.

It rang again in my hand now and for no reason at all the words of

a childhood prayer spilled through my mind like swift water. Then: “Hello,” I

said.

It was a frantic, unrecognizable voice from the district. “Brother, you

better get up here right away –” it said.

“I’m ill,” I said. “What’s wrong?”

“There’s trouble, Brother, and you’re the only one who can –”

“What kind of trouble?”

“Bad trouble, Brother; they trying to –”

Then the harsh sound of breaking glass, distant, brittle and fine,

followed by a crash, and the line went dead.

“Hello,” I said, seeing Sybil wavering before me, her lips saying,

“Boo’ful.”

I tried to dial now, hearing the busy signal throbbing back at me:

Amen-Amen-Amen Ah man; and I sat there a while. Was it a trick? Did they

know she was with me? I put it down. Her eyes were looking at me from

out of their blue shadow. “Boo –”

And now I stood and pulled her arm. “Let’s go, Sybil. They need me

uptown” — realizing only then that I would go.

‘”No,” she said.

s'”But yes. Come.”

She fell back upon the bed defying me. I released her arms and

looked around, my head unclear. What kind of trouble at this hour? Why

should I go? She watched me, her eyes brightly awash in blue shadow. My

heart felt low and deeply sad.

“Come back, boo’ful,” she said.

“No, let’s get some air,” I said.

And now, avoiding the red, oily nails I gripped her wrists and pulled

her up, toward the door. We tottered, her lips brushing mine as we wavered

there. She clung to me and, for an instant, I to her with a feeling

immeasurably sad. Then she hiccupped and I looked vacantly back into the

room. The light caught in the amber liquid of our glasses.

“Boo’ful,” she said, “life could be so diff’rent –”

“But it never is,” I said.

She said, “Boo’ful.”

The fan whirred. And in a corner, my brief case, covered with specks

of dust like memories — the night of the battle royal. I felt her breathing hot

against me and pushed her gently away, steadying her against the door frame,

then went over as impulsively as the remembered prayer, and got the brief

case, brushing the dust against my leg and feeling the unexpected weight as I

hugged it beneath my arm. Something clinked inside.

She watched me still, her eyes alight as I took her arm.

“How’re you doing, Syb?” I said.

“Don’t go, boo’ful,” she said. “Let Georgie do it. No speeches tonight.”

“Come on,” I said, taking her arm quite firmly, pulling her along as

she sighed, her wistful face turned toward me.

We went down smoothly into the street. My head was still badly

fuzzed from the drink, and when I looked down the huge emptiness of the

dark I felt like tears . . . What was happening uptown? Why should I worry

over bureaucrats, blind men? I am invisible. I stared down the quiet street,

feeling her stumbling beside me, humming a little tune; something fresh, na?e

and carefree. Sybil, my too-late-too-early love . . . Ah! My throat throbbed.

The heat of the street clung close. I looked for a taxi but none was passing.

She hummed beside me, her perfume unreal in the night. We moved into the

next block and still no taxis. Her high heels unsteadily scrunched the walk. I

stopped her.

“Poor boo’ful,” she said. “Don’t know his name . . .”

I turned as though struck. “What?”

“Anonymous brute ‘n boo’ful buck,” she said, her mouth a bleary

smile.

I looked at her, skittering about on high heels, scrunch, scrunch on

the walk.

“Sybil,” I said, more to myself than to her, “where will it end?”

Something told me to go.

“Aaaah,” she laughed, “in bed. Don’t go up, boo’ful, Sybil’ll tuck you

in.”

I shook my head. The stars were there, high, high, revolving. Then I

closed my eyes and they sailed red behind my lids; then somewhat steadied I

took her arm.

“Look, Sybil,” I said, “stand here a minute while I go over to Fifth

for a taxi. Stand right here, dear, and hold on.”

We tottered before an ancient-looking building, its windows dark.

Huge Greek medallions showed in spots of light upon its fa?de, above a dark

labyrinthine pattern in the stone, and I propped her against the stoop with

its carved stone monster. She leaned there, her hair wild, looking at me in

the street light, smiling. Her face kept swinging to one side, her right eye

desperately closed.

“Sure, boo’ful, sure,” she said.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, backing away.

“Boo’ful,” she called, “My boo’ful.”

Hear the true affection, I thought, the adoration of the Boogie Bear,

moving away. Was she calling me beautiful or boogieful, beautiful or sublime

. . . What’d either mean? I am invisible . . .

I went on through the late street quiet, hoping that a cab would pass

before I had gone all the way. Up ahead at Fifth the lights were bright, a

few cars shooting across the gaping mouth of the street and above and

beyond, the trees — great, dark, tall. What was going on, I pondered. Why

call for me so late — and who?

I hurried ahead, my feet unsteady.

“Booo’ful,” she called behind me, “boooooo’ful!”

I waved without looking back. Never again, no more, no more. I

went on.

At Fifth a cab passed and I tried to hail it, only to hear someone’s

voice arise, the sound floating gaily by. I looked up the lighted avenue for

another, hearing suddenly the screech of brakes and turning to see the cab

stop and a white arm beckoning. The cab reversed, rolled close, settling with

a bounce. I laughed. It was Sybil. I stumbled forward, came to the door. She

smiled out at me, her head, framed in the window, still pulling to one side,

her hair waving down.

“Get in, boo’ful, ‘n take me to Harlem . . .”

I shook my head, feeling it heavy and sad. “No,” I said, “I’ve got

work to do, Sybil. You’d better go home . . .”

“No, boo’ful, take me with you.”

I turned to the driver, my hand upon the door. He was small,

dark-haired and disapproving, a glint of red from the traffic light coloring the

tip of his nose.

“Look,” I said, “take her home.”

I gave him the address and my last five-dollar bill. He took it,

glumly disapproving.

“No, boo’ful,” she said, “I want to go to Harlem, be with you!”

“Good night,” I said, stepping back from the curb.

We were in the middle of the block and I saw them pull away.

“No,” she said, “no, boo’ful. Don’t leave . . .” Her face, wild-eyed and

white, showed in the door. I stood there, watching him plunge swiftly and

contemptuously out of sight, his tail light as red as his nose.

I walked with eyes closed, seeming to float and trying to clear my

head, then opened them and crossed to the park side, along the cobbles.

High above, the cars sailed round and round the drive, their headlights

stabbing. All the taxies were hired, all going downtown. Center of gravity. I

plodded on, my head awhirl.

Then near 110th Street I saw her again. She was waiting beneath a

street lamp, waving. I wasn’t surprised; I had become fatalistic. I came up

slowly, hearing her laugh. She was ahead of me and beginning to run,

barefoot, loosely, as in a dream. Running. Unsteadily but swift and me

surprised and unable to catch up, lead-legged, seeing her ahead and calling,

“Sybil, Sybil!” running lead-legged along the park side.

“Come on, boo’ful,” she called, looking back and stumbling. “Catch

Sybil . . . Sybil,” running barefoot and girdleless along the park.

I ran, the brief case heavy beneath my arm. Something told me I

had to get to the office . . . “Sybil, wait!” I called.

She ran, the colors of her dress flaring flamelike in the bright places

of the dark. A rustling motion, legs working awkwardly beneath her and white

heels flashing, her skirts held high. Let her go, I thought. But now she was

crossing the street and running wildly only to go down at the curb and

standing and going down again, with a bumped backside, completely unsteady,

now that her momentum was gone.

“Boo’ful,” she said as I came up. “Damn, boo’ful, you push me?”

“Get up,” I said without anger. “Get up,” taking her soft arm. She

stood, her arms flung wide for an embrace.

“No,” I said, “this isn’t Thursday. I’ve got to get there . . . What do

they plan for me, Sybil?”

“Who, boo’ful?”

“Jack and George . . . Tobitt and all?”

“You ran me down, boo’ful,” she said. “Forget them . . . bunch of

dead-heads . . . unhipped, y’know. We didn’t make this stinking world,

boo’ful. Forget –”

I saw the taxi just in time, approaching swiftly from the corner, a

double-decker bus looming two blocks behind. The cabbie looked over, his

head out of the window, sitting high at the wheel as he made a swift U-turn

and came alongside. His face was shocked, disbelieving.

“Come now, Sybil,” I said, “and no tricks.”

“Pardon me, old man,” the driver said, his voice concerned, “but

you’re not taking her up in Harlem are you?”

“No, the lady’s going downtown,” I said. “Get in Sybil.”

“Boo’ful’s ‘n ole dictator,” she said to the driver, who looked at me

silently, as though I were mad.

“A game stud,” he muttered, “a most game stud!”

But she got in.

“Just ‘n ole dictator, boo’ful.”

“Look,” I told him, “take her straight home and don’t let her get out

of the cab. I don’t want her running around Harlem. She’s precious, a great

lady –”

“Sure, man, I don’t blame you,” he said. “Things is popping up

there.”

The cab was already rolling as I yelled, “What’s going on?”

“They’re taking the joint apart,” he called above the shifting of the

gears. I watched them go and made for the bus stop. This time I’ll make

sure, I thought, stepping out and flagging the bus and getting on. If she

comes back, she’ll find me gone. And I knew stronger than ever that I should

hurry but was still too foggy in my mind, couldn’t get myself together.

I sat gripping my brief case, my eyes closed, feeling the bus sailing

swift beneath me. Soon it would turn up Seventh Avenue. Sybil, forgive me, I

thought. The bus rolled.

But when I opened my eyes we were turning into Riverside Drive.

This too I accepted calmly, the whole night was out of joint. I’d had too

many drinks. Time ran fluid, invisible, sad. Looking out I could see a ship

moving upstream, its running lights bright points in the night. The cool sea

smell came through to me, constant and thick in the swiftly unfolding blur of

anchored boats, dark water and lights pouring past. Across the river was

Jersey and I remembered my entry into Harlem. Long past, I thought, long

past. I was as if drowned in the river.

To my right and ahead the church spire towered high, crowned with

a red light of warning. And now we were passing the hero’s tomb and I

recalled a visit there. You went up the steps and inside and you looked far

below to find him, at rest, draped flags . . .

One Hundred and Twenty-fifth Street came quickly. I stumbled off,

hearing the bus pull away as I faced the water. There was a light breeze, but

now with the motion gone the heat returned, clinging. Far ahead in the dark

I saw the monumental bridge, ropes of lights across the dark river; and

closer, high above the shoreline, the Palisades, their revolutionary agony lost

in the riotous lights of roller coasters. “The Time Is Now . . .” the sign

across the river began, but with history stomping upon me with hobnailed

boots, I thought with a laugh, why worry about time? I crossed the street to

the drinking fountain, feeling the water cooling, going down, then dampened a

handkerchief and swabbed my face, eyes. The water flashed, gurgled, sprayed.

I pressed forward my face, feeling wet cool, hearing the infant joy of

fountains. Then heard the other sound. It was not the river nor the curving

cars that flashed through the dark, but pitched like a distant crowd or a swift

river at floodtide.

I moved forward, found the steps and started down. Below the bridge

lay the hard stone river of the street, and for a second I looked at the waves

of cobblestones as though I expected water, as though the fountain above had

drawn from them. Still I would enter and go across to Harlem. Below the

steps the trolley rails gleamed steely. I hurried, the sound drawing closer,

myriad-voiced, humming, enfolding me, numbing the air, as I started beneath

the ramp. It came, a twitter, a coo, a subdued roar that seemed trying to tell

me something, give me some message. I stopped, looking around me; the

girders marched off rhythmically into the dark, over the cobblestones the red

lights shone. Then I was beneath the bridge and it was as though they had

been waiting for me and no one but me — dedicated and set aside for me —

for an eternity. And I looked above toward the sound, my mind forming an

image of wings, as something struck my face and streaked, and I could smell

the foul air now, and see the encrusted barrage, feeling it streak my jacket

and raising my brief case above my head and running, hearing it splattering

around, falling like rain. I ran the gantlet, thinking, even the birds; even the

pigeons and the sparrows and the goddam gulls! I ran blindly, boiling with

outrage and despair and harsh laughter. Running from the birds to what, I

didn’t know. I ran. Why was I here at all?

I ran through the night, ran within myself. Ran.

Chapter 25

When I reached Morningside the shooting sounded like a distant

celebration of the Fourth of July, and I hurried forward. At St. Nicholas the

street lights were out. A thunderous sound arose and I saw four men running

toward me pushing something that jarred the walk. It was a safe.

“Say,” I began.

“Get the hell out the way!”

I leaped aside, into the street, and there was a sudden and brilliant

suspension of time, like the interval between the last ax stroke and the felling

of a tall tree, in which there had been a loud noise followed by a loud

silence. Then I was aware of figures crouching in doorways and along the

curb; then time burst and I was down in the street, conscious but unable to

rise, struggling against the street and seeing the flashes as the guns went off

back at the corner of the avenue, aware to my left of the men still speeding

the rumbling safe along the walk as back up the street, behind me, two

policemen, almost invisible in black shirts, thrust flaming pistols before them.

One of the safe rollers pitched forward, and farther away, past the corner, a

bullet struck an auto tire, the released air shrieking like a huge animal in

agony. I rolled, flopping around, willing myself to crawl closer to the curb but

unable, feeling a sudden wet warmth upon my face and seeing the safe

shooting wildly into the intersection and the men rounding the corner into

the dark, pounding, gone; gone now, as the skittering safe bounded off at a

tangent, shot into the intersection and lodged in the third rail and sent up a

curtain of sparks that lit up the block like a blue dream; a dream I was

dreaming and through which I could see the cops braced as on a target

range, feet forward, free arms akimbo, firing with deliberate aim.

“Get hold of Emergency!” one of them called, and I saw them turn

and disappear where the dull glint of trolley rails faded off into the dark.

Suddenly the block leaped alive. Men who seemed to rise up out of

the sidewalks were rushing into the store fronts above me, their voices rising

excitedly. And now the blood was in my face and I could move, getting to

my knees as someone out of the crowd was helping me to stand.

“You hurt, daddy?”

“Some — I don’t know –” I couldn’t quite see them.

“Damn! He’s got a hole in his head!” a voice said.

A light flashed in my face, came close. I felt a hard hand upon my

skull and moved away.

“Hell, it’s just a nick,” a voice said. “One them forty-fives hit your

little finger you got to go down!”

“Well, this one over here is gone down for the last time,” someone

called from the walk. “They got him clean.”

I wiped my face, my head ringing. Something was missing.

“Here, buddy, this yours?”

It was my brief case, extended to me by its handles. I seized it with

sudden panic, as though something infinitely precious had almost been lost to

me.

“Thanks,” I said, peering into their dim, blue-tinted features. I looked

at the dead man. He lay face forward, the crowd working around him. I

realized suddenly that it might have been me huddled there, feeling too that I

had seen him there before, in the bright light of noon, long ago . . . how

long? Knew his name, I thought, and suddenly my knees flowed forward. I

sat there, my fist that gripped the brief case bruising against the street, my

head slumped forward. They were going around me.

“Get off my foot, man,” I heard. “Quit shoving. There’s plenty for

everybody.”

There was something I had to do and I knew that my forgetfulness

wasn’t real, as one knows that the forgotten details of certain dreams are not

truly forgotten but evaded. I knew, and in my mind I was trying to reach

through the gray veil that now seemed to hang behind my eyes as opaquely

as the blue curtain that screened the street beyond the safe. The dizziness left

and I managed to stand, holding onto my brief case, pressing a handkerchief

to my head. Up the street there sounded the crashing of huge sheets of glass

and through the blue mysteriousness of the dark the walks shimmered like

shattered mirrors. All the street’s signs were dead, all the day sounds had lost

their stable meaning. Somewhere a burglar alarm went off, a meaningless

blangy sound, followed by the joyful shouts of looters.

“Come on,” someone called nearby.

“Let’s go, buddy,” the man who had helped me said. He took my

arm, a thin man who carried a large cloth bag slung over his shoulder.

“The shape you in wouldn’t do to leave you round here,” he said.

“You act like you drunk.”

“Go where?” I said.

“Where? Hell, man. Everywhere. We git to moving, no telling where

we might go — Hey, Dupre!” he called.

“Say, man — Goddam! Don’t be calling my name so loud,” a voice

answered. “Here, I am over here, gitting me some work shirts.”

“Git some for me, Du,” he said.

“All right, but don’t think I’m your papa,” the answer came.

I looked at the thin man, feeling a surge of friendship. He didn’t

know me, his help was disinterested . . .

“Hey, Du,” he called, “we go’n do it?”

“Hell yes, soon as I git me these shirts.”

The crowd was working in and out of the stores like ants around

spilled sugar. From time to time there came the crash of glass, shots; fire

trucks in distant streets.

“How you feel?” the man said.

“Still fuzzy,” I said, “and weak.”

“Le’s see if it’s stopped bleeding. Yeah, you’ll be all right.”

I saw him vaguely though his voice came clear.

“Sure,” I said.

“Man, you lucky you ain’t dead. These sonsabitches is really shooting

now,” he said. “Over on Lenox they was aiming up in the air. If I could find

me a rifle, I’d show ’em! Here, take you a drink of this good Scotch,” he

said, taking a quart bottle from a hip pocket. “I got me a whole case stashed

what I got from a liquor store over there. Over there all you got to do is

breathe, and you drunk, man. Drunk! Hundred proof bonded whiskey flowing

all in the gutters.”

I took a drink, shuddering as the whiskey went down but thankful

for the shock it gave me. There was a bursting, tearing movement of people

around me, dark figures in a blue glow.

“Look at them take it away,” he said, looking into the dark action of

the crowd. “Me, I’m tired. Was you over on Lenox?”

“No,” I said, seeing a woman moving slowly past with a row of about

a dozen dressed chickens suspended by their necks from the handle of a new

straw broom . . .

“Hell, you ought to see it, man. Everything is tore up. By now the

womens is picking it clean. I saw one ole woman with a whole side of a cow

on her back. Man, she was ’bout bent bowlegged trying to make it home —

Here come Dupre now,” he said, breaking off.

I saw a little hard man come out of the crowd carrying several

boxes. He wore three hats upon his head, and several pairs of suspenders

flopped about his shoulders, and now as he came toward us I saw that he

wore a pair of gleaming new rubber hip boots. His pockets bulged and over

his shoulder he carried a cloth sack that swung heavily behind him.

“Damn, Dupre,” my friend said, pointing to his head, “you got one of

them for me? What kind is they?”

Dupre stopped and looked at him. “With all them hats in there and

I’m going to come out with anything but a Dobbs? Man, are you mad? All

them new, pretty-colored Dobbs? Come on, let’s get going before the cops git

back. Damn, look at that thing blaze!”

I looked toward the curtain of blue fire, through which vague figures

toiled. Dupre called out and several men left the crowd and joined us in the

street. We moved off, my friend (Scofield, the others called him) leading me

along. My head throbbed, still bled.

“Looks like you got you some loot too,” he said, pointing to my brief

case.

“Not much,” I said, thinking, loot? Loot? And suddenly I knew why

it was heavy, remembering Mary’s broken bank and the coins; and now I

found myself opening the brief case and dropping all my papers — my

Brotherhood identification, the anonymous letter, along with Clifton’s doll —

into it.

“Fill it up, man. Don’t you be bashful. You wait till we tackle one of

these pawnshops. That Du’s got him a cotton-picking sack fulla stuff. He

could go into business.”

“Well, I’ll be damn,” a man on the other side of me said. “I thought

that was a cotton sack. Where’d he get that thing?”

“He brought it with him when he come North,” Scofield said. “Du

swears that when he goes back he’ll have it full of ten-dollar bills. Hell, after

tonight he’ll need him a warehouse for all the stuff he’s got. You fill that

brief case, buddy. Get yourself something!”

“No,” I said, “I’ve enough in it already.” And now I remembered very

clearly where I’d started out for but could not leave them.

“Maybe you right,” Scofield said. “How I know, you might have it full

of diamonds or something. A man oughtn’t to be greedy. Though it’s time

something like this happened.”

We moved along. Should I leave, get on to the district? Where were

they, at the birthday celebration?

“How did all this get started?” I said.

Scofield seemed surprised. “Damn if I know, man. A cop shot a

woman or something.”

Another man moved close to us as somewhere a piece of heavy steel

rang down.

“Hell, that wasn’t what started it,” he said. “It was that fellow, what’s

his name . . . ?”

“Who?” I said. “What’s his name?”

“That young guy!”

“You know, everybody’s mad about it . . .”

Clifton, I thought. It’s for Clifton. A night for Clifton.

“Aw man, don’t tell me,” Scofield said. “Didn’t I see it with my own

eyes? About eight o’clock down on Lenox and 123rd this paddy slapped a kid

for grabbing a Baby Ruth and the kid’s mama took it up and then the paddy

slapped her and that’s when hell broke loose.”

“You were there?” I said.

“Same’s I’m here. Some fellow said the kid made the paddy mad by

grabbing a candy named after a white woman.”

“Damn if that’s the way I heard it,” another man said. “When I come

up they said a white woman set it oft by trying to take a black gal’s man.”

“Damn who started it,” Dupre said. “All I want is for it to last a

while.”

“It was a white gal, all right, but that wasn’t the way it was. She was

drunk –” another voice said.

But it couldn’t have been Sybil, I thought; it had already started.

“You wahn know who started it?” a man holding a pair of binoculars

called from the window of a pawnshop. “You wahn really to know?”

“Sure,” I said.

“Well, you don’t need to go no further. It was started by that great

leader, Ras the Destroyer!”

“That monkey-chaser?” someone said.

“Listen, bahstard!”

“Don’t nobody know how it started,” Dupre said.

“Somebody has to know,” I said.

Scofield held his whiskey toward me. I refused it.

“Hell, man, it just exploded. These is dog days,” he said.

“Dog days?”

“Sho, this hot weather.”

“I tell you they mad over what happen to that young fellow,

what’s-his-name . . .”

We were passing a building now and I heard a voice calling

frantically, “Colored store! Colored store!”

“Then put up a sign, motherfouler,” a voice said. “You probably

rotten as the others.”

“Listen at the bastard. For one time in his life he’s glad to be

colored,” Scofield said.

“Colored store,” the voice went on automatically.

“Hey! You sho you ain’t got some white blood?”

“No, sir!” the voice said.

“Should I bust him, man?”

“For what? He ain’t got a damn thing. Let the motherfouler alone.”

A few doors away we came to a hardware store. “This is the first

stop, men,” Dupre said.

“What happens now?” I said.

“Who you?” he said, cocking his thrice-hatted head.

“Nobody, just one of the boys –” I began.

“You sho you ain’t somebody I know?”

“I’m pretty sure,” I said.

“He’s all right, Du,” said Scofield. “Them cops shot him.”

Dupre looked at me and kicked something — a pound of butter,

sending it smearing across the hot street. “We fixing to do something what

needs to be done,” he said. “First we gets a flashlight for everybody . . . And

let’s have some organization, y’all. Don’t everybody be running over everybody

else. Come on!”

“Come on in, buddy,” Scofield said.

I felt no need to lead or leave them; was glad to follow; was gripped

by a need to see where and to what they would lead. And all the time the

thought that I should go to the district was with me. We went inside the

store, into the dark glinting with metal. They moved carefully, and I could

hear them searching, sweeping objects to the floor. The cash register rang.

“Here some flashlights over here,” someone called.

“How many?” Dupre said.

“Plenty, man.”

“Okay, pass out one to everybody. They got batteries?”

“Naw, but there’s plenty them too, ’bout a dozen boxes.”

“Okay, give me one with batteries so I can find the buckets. Then

every man get him a light.”

“Here some buckets over here,” Scofield said.

“Then all we got to find is where he keeps the oil.”

“Oil?” I said.

“Coal oil, man. And hey, y’all,” he called, ‘”don’t nobody be smoking

in here.”

I stood beside Scofield listening to the noise as he took a stack of

zinc buckets and passed them out. Now the store leaped alive with flashing

lights and flickering shadows.

“Keep them lights down on the floor,” Dupre called. “No use letting

folks see who we are. Now when you get your buckets line up and let me fill

’em.”

“Listen to ole Du lay it down — he’s a bitch, ain’t he, buddy? He

always liked to lead things. And always leading me into trouble.”

“What are we getting ready to do?” I said.

“You’ll see,” Dupre said. “Hey, you over there. Come on from behind

that counter and take this bucket. Don’t you see ain’t nothing in that cash

register, that if it was I’d have it myself?”

Suddenly the banging of buckets ceased. We moved into the back

room. By the light of a flash I could see a row of fuel drums mounted on

racks. Dupre stood before them in his new hip boots and filled each bucket

with oil. We moved in slow order. Our buckets filled, we filed out into the

street. I stood there in the dark feeling a rising excitement as their voices

played around me. What was the meaning of it all? What should I think of

it, do about it?

“With this stuff,” Dupre said, “we better walk in the middle of the

street. It’s just down around the corner.”

Then as we moved off a group of boys ran among us and the men

started using their lights, revealing darting figures in blonde wigs, the tails of

their stolen dress coats flying. Behind them in hot pursuit came a gang

armed with dummy rifles taken from an Army & Navy Store. I laughed with

the others, thinking: A holy holiday for Clifton.

“Put out them lights!” Dupre commanded.

Behind us came the sound of screams, laughter; ahead the footfalls of

the running boys, distant fire trucks, shooting, and in the quiet intervals, the

steady filtering of shattered glass. I could smell the kerosene as it sloshed

from the buckets and slapped against the street.

Suddenly Scofield grabbed my arm. “Good God, look-a-yonder!”

And I saw a crowd of men running up pulling a Borden’s milk

wagon, on top of which, surrounded by a row of railroad flares, a huge

woman in a gingham pinafore sat drinking beer from a barrel which sat

before her. The men would run furiously a few paces and stop, resting

between the shafts, run a few paces and rest, shouting and laughing and

drinking from a jug, as she on top threw back her head and shouted

passionately in a full-throated voice of blues singer’s timbre:

If it hadn’t been for the referee,

Joe Louis woulda killed

Jim Jefferie

Free beer!!

— sloshing the dipper of beer around.

We stepped aside, amazed, as she bowed graciously from side to side

like a tipsy fat lady in a circus parade, the dipper like a gravy spoon in her

enormous hand. Then she laughed and drank deeply while reaching over

nonchalantly with her free hand to send quart after quart ot milk crashing

into the street. And all the time the men running with the wagon over the

debris. Around me there were shouts of laughter and disapproval.

“Somebody better stop them fools,” Scofield said in outrage. “That’s

what I call taking things too far. Goddam, how the hell they going to get her

down from there after she gits fulla beer? Somebody answer me that. How

they going to get her down? ‘Round here throwing away all that good milk!”

The big woman left me unnerved. Milk and beer — I felt sad,

watching the wagon careen dangerously as they went around a corner. We

went on, avoiding the broken bottles as now the spilling kerosene splashed

into the pale spilt milk. How much has happened? Why was I torn? We

moved around a corner. My head still ached.

Scofield touched my arm. “Here we is,” he said.

We had come to a huge tenement building.

“Where are we?” I said.

“This the place where most of us live,” he said. “Come on.”

So that was it, the meaning of the kerosene. I couldn’t believe it,

couldn’t believe they had the nerve. All the windows seemed empty. They’d

blacked it out themselves. I saw now only by flash or flame.

“Where will you live?” I said, looking up, up.

“You call this living?” Scofield said. “It’s the only way to git rid of it,

man . . .”

I looked for hesitation in their vague forms. They stood looking at

the building rising above us, the liquid dark of the oil simmering dully in the

stray flecks of light that struck their pails, bent forward, their shoulders

bowed. None said “no,” by word or stance. And in the dark windows and on

the roofs above I could now discern the forms of women and children.

Dupre moved toward the building.

“Now look ahere, y’all,” he said, his triple-hatted head showing

grotesquely atop the stoop. “I wants all the women and chillun and the old

and the sick folks brought out. And when you takes your buckets up the

stairs I wants you to go clean to the top. I mean the top! And when you git

there I want you to start using your flashlights in every room to make sure

nobody gits left behind, then when you git ’em out start splashing coal oil.

Then when you git it splashed I’m going to holler, and when I holler three

times I want you to light them matches and git. After that it’s every tub on

its own black bottom!”

It didn’t occur to me to interfere, or to question . . . They had a

plan. Already I could see the women and children coming down the steps. A

child was crying. And suddenly everyone paused, turning, looking off into the

dark. Somewhere nearby an incongruous sound shook the dark, an air

hammer pounding like a machine gun. They paused with the sensitivity of

grazing deer, then returned to their work, the women and children once more

moving.

“That’s right, y’all. You ladies move on up the street to the folks you

going to stay with,” Dupre said. “And keep holt them kids!”

Someone pounded my back and I swung around, seeing a woman

push past me and climb up to catch Dupre’s arm, their two figures seeming

to blend as her voice arose, thin, vibrant and desperate.

“Please, Dupre,” she said, “please. You know my time’s almost here .

. . you know it is. If you do it now, where am I going to go?”

Dupre pulled away and rose to a higher step. He looked down at

her, shaking his thrice-hatted head. “Now git on out the way, Lottie,” he said

patiently. “Why you have to start this now? We done been all over it and

you know I ain’t go’n change. And lissen here, the resta y’all,” he said,

reaching into the top of his hip boot and producing a nickel-plated revolver

and waving it around, “don’t think they’s going to be any mind-changing

either. And I don’t aim for no arguments neither.”

“You goddam right, Dupre. We wid you!”

“My kid died from the t-bees in that deathtrap, but I bet a man ain’t

no more go’n be born in there,” he said. “So now, Lottie, you go on up the

street and let us mens git going.”

She stood back, crying. I looked at her, in house shoes, her breasts

turgid, her belly heavy and high. In the crowd, women’s hands took her away,

her large liquid eyes turned for a second toward the man in the rubber

boots.

What type of man is he, what would Jack say of him? Jack. Jack!

And where was he in this?

“Let’s go, buddy,” Scofield said, nudging me. I followed him, filled

with a sense of Jack’s outrageous unreality. We went in, up the stairs,

flashing our lights. Ahead I saw Dupre moving. He was a type of man

nothing in my life had taught me to see, to understand, or respect, a man

outside the scheme till now. We entered rooms littered with the signs of swift

emptying. It was hot, close.

“This here’s my own apartment,” Scofield said. “And ain’t the bedbugs

going to get a surprise!”

We slopped the kerosene about, upon an old mattress, along the

floor; then moved into the hall, using the flashlights. From all through the

building came the sounds of footsteps, of splashing oil, the occasional

prayerful protest of some old one being forced to leave. The men worked in

silence now, like moles deep in the earth. Time seemed to hold. No one

laughed. Then from below came Dupre’s’ voice.

“Okay, mens. We got everybody out. Now starting with the top floor

I want you to start striking matches. Be careful and don’t set yourself on fire

. . .”

There was still some kerosene left in Scofield’s bucket and I saw him

pick up a rag and drop it in; then came the sputtering of a match and I saw

the room leap to flame. The heat flared up and I backed away. He stood

there silhouetted against the red flare, looking into the flames, shouting.

“Goddam you rotten sonsabitches. You didn’t think I’d do it but there

it is. You wouldn’t fix it up. Now see how you like it.”

“Let’s go,” I said.

Below us, men shot downstairs five and six steps at a time, moving

in the weird light of flash and flame in long, dream-bounds. On each floor as

I passed, smoke and flame arose. And now I was seized with a fierce sense

of exaltation. They’ve done it, I thought. They organized it and carried it

through alone; the decision their own and their own action. Capable of their

own action . . .

There came a thunder of footfalls above me, someone calling, “Keep

going man, it’s hell upstairs. Somebody done opened the door to the roof and

them flames is leaping.”

“Come on,” Scofield said.

I moved, feeling something slip and was halfway down the next flight

before realizing that my brief case was gone. For a second I hesitated, but I’d

had it too long to leave it now.

“Come on, buddy,” Scofield called, “we caint be fooling around.”

“In a second,” I said.

Men were shooting past. I bent over, holding on to the handrail and

shouldered my way back up the stairs, using my flash along each step, back

slowly, finding it, an oily footstep embedded with crushed pieces of plaster

showing upon its leather side; getting it now and turning to bound down

again. The oil won’t come off easily, I thought with a pang. But this was it,

what I had known was coming around the dark corner of my mind, had

known and tried to tell the committee and which they had ignored. I plunged

down, shaking with fierce excitement.

At the landing I saw a bucket half full of kerosene and seized it,

flinging it impulsively into a burning room. A huge puff of smoke-fringed

flame filled the doorway, licking outward toward me. I ran, choking and

coughing as I plunged. They did it themselves, I thought, holding my breath

— planned it, organized it, applied the flame.

I burst into the air and the exploding sounds of the night, and I did

not know if the voice was that of a man, woman or child, but for a moment

I stood on the stoop with the red doorway behind me and heard the voice

call me by my Brotherhood name.

It was as though I had been aroused from sleep and for an instant I

stood there looking, listening to the voice almost lost in the clamour of

shouts, screams, burglar alarms and sirens.

“Brother, ain’t it wonderful,” it called. “You said you would lead us,

you really said it . . .”

I went down into the street, going slowly but filled with a feverish

inner need to be away from that voice. Where had Scofield gone?

Most of their eyes, white in the flame-flushed dark, looked toward

the building.

But now I heard someone say, “Woman, who you say that is?” And

she proudly repeated my name.

“Where he go? Get him, mahn, Ras wahnt him!”

I went into the crowd, walking slowly, smoothly into the dark crowd,

the whole surface of my skin alert, my back chilled, looking, listening to

those moving with a heaving and sweating and a burr of talk around me and

aware that now that I wanted to see them, needed to see them, I could not;

feeling them, a dark mass in motion on a dark night, a black river ripping

through a black land; and Ras or Tarp could move beside me and I wouldn’t

know. I was one with the mass, moving down the littered street over the

puddles of oil and milk, my personality blasted. Then I was in the next block,

dodging in and out, hearing them somewhere in the crowd behind me;

moving on through the sound of sirens and burglar alarms to be swept into a

swifter crowd and pushed along, half-running, half-walking, trying to see

behind me and wondering where the others had gone. There was shooting

back there now, and on either side of me they were throwing garbage cans,

bricks and pieces of metal into plate glass windows. I moved, feeling as

though a huge force was on the point of bursting. Shouldering my way to the

side I stood in a doorway and watched them move, feeling a certain

vindication as now I thought of the message that had brought me here. Who

had called, one of the district members or someone from Jack’s birthday

celebration? Who wanted me at the district after it was too late? Very well,

I’d go there now. I’d see what the master minds thought now. Where were

they anyway, and what profound conclusions were they drawing? What ex

post facto lessons of history? And that crash over the telephone, had that

been the beginning, or had Jack simply dropped his eye? I laughed

drunkenly, the eruption paining my head.

Suddenly the shooting ceased and in the silence there was the sound

of voices, footfalls, labor.

“Hey, buddy,” somebody said beside me, “where you going?” It was

Scofield.

“It’s either run or get knocked down,” I said. “I thought you were

still back there.”

“I cut out, man. A building two doors away started to burn and they

had to git the fire department . . . Damn! wasn’t for this noise I’d swear

those bullets was mosquitoes.”

“Watch out!” I warned, pulling him away from where a man lay

propped against a post, tightening a tourniquet around his gashed arm.

Scofield flashed his light and for a second I saw the black man, his

face gray with shock, watching the jetting pulsing of his blood spurting into

the street. Then, compelled, I reached down and twisted the tourniquet,

feeling the blood warm upon my hand, seeing the pulsing cease.

“You done stopped it,” a young man said, looking down.

“Here,” I said, “you take it, hold it tight. Get him to a doctor.”

“Ain’t you a doctor?”

“Me?” I said. “Me? Are you crazy? If you want him to live, get him

away from here.”

“Albert done gone for one,” the boy said. “But I thought you was

one. You –”

“No,” I said, looking at my bloody hands, “no, not me. You hold it

tight until the doctor comes. I couldn’t cure a headache.”

I stood wiping my hands against the brief case, looking down at the

big man, his back resting against the post with his eyes closed, the boy

holding desperately to the tourniquet made of what had been a bright new

tie.

“Come on,” I said.

“Say,” Scofield said when we were past, “wasn’t that you that woman

was calling brother back yonder?”

“Brother? No, it must have been some other guy.”

“You know, man, I think I seen you before somewhere. You ever was

in Memphis . . . ? Say, look what’s coming,” he said, pointing, and I looked

through the dark to see a squad of white-helmeted policemen charge forward

and break for shelter as a rain of bricks showered down from the building

tops. Some of the white helmets, racing for the doorways, turned to fire, and

I heard Scofield grunt and go down and I dropped beside him, seeing the red

burst of fire and hearing the shrill scream, like an arching dive, curving from

above to end in a crunching thud in the street. It was as though it landed in

my stomach, sickening me, and I crouched, looking down past Scofield, who

lay just ahead of me, to see the dark crushed form from the roof; and farther

away, the body of a cop, his helmet making a small white luminous mound

in the dark.

I moved now to see whether Scofield was hit, just as he squirmed

around and cursed at the cops who were trying to rescue the one who was

down, his voice furious, as he stretched full length firing away with a

nickel-plated pistol like that Dupre had waved.

“Git the hell down, man,” he yelled over his shoulder. “I been

wanting to blast ’em a long time.”

“No, not with that thing,” I said. “Let’s get out of here.”

“Hell, man, I can shoot this thing,” he said.

I rolled behind a pile of baskets filled with rotting chickens now, and

to my left, upon the littered curb, a woman and man crouched behind an

upturned delivery cart.

“Dehart,” she said, “let’s get up on the hill, Dehart. Up with the

respectable people!”

“Hill, hell! We stay right here,” the man said. “This thing’s just

starting. If it becomes a sho ‘nough race riot I want to be here where there’ll

be some fighting back.”

The words struck like bullets fired close range, blasting my

satisfaction to earth. It was as though the uttered word had given meaning to

the night, almost as though it had created it, brought it into being in the

instant his breath vibrated small against the loud, riotous air. And in

defining, in giving organization to the fury, it seemed to spin me around, and

in my mind I was looking backward over the days since Clifton’s death . . .

Could this be the answer, could this be what the committee had planned, the

answer to why they’d surrendered our influence to Ras? Suddenly I heard the

hoarse explosion of a shotgun, and looked past Scofield’s glinting pistol to the

huddled form from the roof. It was suicide, without guns it was suicide, and

not even the pawnshops here had guns for sale; and yet I knew with a

shattering dread that the uproar which for the moment marked primarily the

crash of men against things — against stores, markets — could swiftly become

the crash of men against men and with most of the guns and numbers on

the other side. I could see it now, see it clearly and in growing magnitude. It

was not suicide, but murder. The committee had planned it. And I had

helped, had been a tool. A tool just at the very moment I had thought myself

free. By pretending to agree I had indeed agreed, had made myself

responsible for that huddled form lighted by flame and gunfire in the street,

and all the others whom now the night was making ripe for death.

The brief case swung heavy against my leg as I ran, going away,

leaving Scofield cursing his lack of bullets behind me, running wildly and

swinging the brief case hard against the head of a dog that leaped at me out

of the crowd, sending him yelping away. To my right lay a quiet residential

street with trees, and I entered it, going toward Seventh Avenue, toward the

district, filled now with horror and hatred. They’ll pay, they’ll pay, I thought.

They’ll pay!

The street lay dead quiet in the light of the lately risen moon, the

gunfire thin and for a moment, distant. The rioting seemed in another world.

For a moment I paused beneath a low, thickly leaved tree, looking down the

well-kept doily-shadowed walks past the silent houses. It was as though the

tenants had vanished, leaving the houses silent with all windows shaded,

refugees from a rising flood. Then I heard the single footfalls coming

doggedly toward me in the night, an eerie slapping sound followed by a

precise and hallucinated cry —

“Time’s flying

Souls dying

The coming of the Lord

Draweth niiiiigh!”

— as though he had run for days, for years. He trotted past where I stood

beneath the tree, his bare feet slapping the walk in the silence, going for a

few feet and then the high, hallucinated cry beginning again.

I ran into the avenue where in the light of a flaming liquor store I

saw three old women scurrying toward me with raised skirts loaded with

canned goods.

“I can’t stop it just yet, but have mercy, Lord,” one of them said.

“Do, Jesus, do, sweet Jesus . . .”

I moved ahead, the fumes of alcohol and burning tar in my nostrils.

Down the avenue to my left a single street lamp still glowed where the long

block was intersected on my right by a street, and I could see a crowd

rushing a store that faced the intersection, moving in, and a fusillade of

canned goods, salami, liverwurst, hogsheads and chitterlings belching out to

those outside and a bag of flour bursting white upon them; as now out of

the dark of the intersecting street two mounted policemen came at a gallop,

heaving huge and heavy-hooved, charging straight into the swarming mass.

And I could see the great forward lunge of the horses and the crowd

breaking and rolling back like a wave, back, and screaming and cursing, and

some laughing — back and around and out into the avenue, stumbling and

pushing, as the horses, heads high and bits froth-flecked, went over the curb

to land stiff-legged and slide over the cleared walk as upon ice skates and

past, carried by the force of the charge, sideways now, legs stiff, sparks flying,

to where another crowd looted another store. And my heart tightened as the

first crowd swung imperturbably back to their looting with derisive cries, like

sandpipers swinging around to glean the shore after a furious wave’s

recession.

Cursing Jack and the Brotherhood I moved around a steel grill torn

from the front of a pawnshop, seeing the troopers galloping back and the

riders lifting the horses to charge again, grim and skillful in white steel

helmets, and the charge beginning. This time a man went down and I saw a

woman swinging a gleaming frying pan hard against the horse’s rump and the

horse neighing and beginning to plunge. They’ll pay, I thought, they’ll pay.

They came toward me as I ran, a crowd of men and women carrying cases of

beer, cheese, chains of linked sausage, watermelons, sacks of sugar, hams,

cornmeal, fuel lamps. If only it could stop right here, here; here before the

others came with their guns. I ran.

There was no firing. But when, I thought, how long before it starts?

“Git a side of bacon, Joe,” a woman called. “Git a side of bacon, Joe,

git Wilson’s.”

“Lord, Lord, Lord,” a dark voice called from the dark.

I went on, plunged in a sense of painful isolation as I reached 125th

Street and started east. A squad of mounted police galloped past. Men with

sub-machine guns were guarding a bank and a large jewelry store. I moved

out to the center of the street, running down the trolley rails.

The moon was high now and before me the shattered glass glittered

in the street like the water of a flooded river upon the surface of which I ran

as in a dream, avoiding by fate alone the distorted objects washed away by

the flood. Then suddenly I seemed to sink, sucked under: Ahead of me the

body hung, white, naked, and horribly feminine from a lamppost. I felt myself

spin around with horror and it was as though I had turned some nightmarish

somersault. I whirled, still moving by reflex, back-tracking and stopped and

now there was another and another, seven-all hanging before a gutted

storefront. I stumbled, hearing the cracking of bones underfoot and saw a

physician’s skeleton shattered on the street, the skull rolling away from the

backbone, as I steadied long enough to notice the unnatural stiffness of those

hanging above me. They were mannequins — “Dummies!” I said aloud.

Hairless, bald and sterilely feminine. And I recalled the boys in the blonde

wigs, expecting the relief of laughter, but suddenly was more devastated by

the humor than by the horror. But are they unreal, I thought; are they? What

if one, even one is real — is . . . Sybil? I hugged my brief case, backing

away, and ran . . .

THEY moved in a tight-knit order, carrying sticks and clubs, shotguns

and rifles, led by Ras the Exhorter become Ras the Destroyer upon a great

black horse. A new Ras of a haughty, vulgar dignity, dressed in the costume

of an Abyssinian chieftain; a fur cap upon his head, his arm bearing a shield,

a cape made of the skin of some wild animal around his shoulders. A figure

more out of a dream than out of Harlem, than out of even this Harlem

night, yet real, alive, alarming.

“Come away from that stupid looting,” he called to a group before a

store. “Come jine with us to burst in the armory and get guns and

ammunition!”

And hearing his voice I opened my brief case and searched for my

dark glasses, my Rineharts, drawing them out only to see the crushed lenses

fall to the street. Rinehart, I thought, Rinehart! I turned. The police were

back there behind me; if shooting started I’d be caught in the crossfire. I felt

in my brief case, feeling papers, shattered iron, coins, my fingers closing over

Tarp’s leg chain, and I slipped it over my knuckles, trying to think. I closed

the flap, locking it. A new mood was settling over me as they came on, a

larger crowd than Ras had ever drawn. I went calmly forward, holding the

heavy case but moving with a certain new sense of self, and with it a feeling

almost of relief, almost of a sigh. I knew suddenly what I had to do, knew it

even before it shaped itself completely in my mind.

Someone called, “Look!” and Ras bent down from the horse, saw me

and flung, of all things, a spear, and I fell forward at the movement of his

arm, catching myself upon my hands as a tumbler would, and heard the

shock of it piercing one of the hanging dummies. I stood, my brief case

coming with me.

“Betrayer!” Ras shouted.

“It’s the brother,” someone said. They moved up around the horse

excited and not quite decided, and I faced him, knowing I was no worse than

he, nor any better, and that all the months of illusion and the night of chaos

required but a few simple words, a mild, even a meek, muted action to clear

the air. To awaken them and me.

“I am no longer their brother,” I shouted. “They want a race riot and

I am against it. The more of us who are killed, the better they like –”

“Ignore his lying tongue,” Ras shouted. “Hang him up to teach the

black people a lesson, and theer be no more traitors. No more Uncle Toms.

Hang him up theer with them blahsted dummies!”

“But anyone can see it,” I shouted. “It’s true, I was betrayed by those

who I thought were our friends — but they counted on this man, too. They

needed this destroyer to do their work. They deserted you so that in your

despair you’d follow this man to your destruction. Can’t you see it? They

want you guilty of your own murder, your own sacrifice!”

“Grab him!” Ras shouted.

Three men stepped forward and I reached up without thinking,

actually a desperate oratorical gesture of disagreement and defiance, as I

shouted, “No!” But my hand struck the spear and I wrenched it free, gripping

it mid-shaft, point forward. “They want this to happen,” I said. “They planned

it. They want the mobs to come uptown with machine guns and rifles. They

want the streets to flow with blood; your blood, black blood and white blood,

so that they can turn your death and sorrow and defeat into propaganda. It’s

simple, you’ve known it a long time. It goes, ‘Use a nigger to catch a nigger.’

Well, they used me to catch you and now they’re using Ras to do away with

me and to prepare your sacrifice. Don’t you see it? Isn’t it clear . . . ?”

“Hang the lying traitor,” Ras shouted. “What are you waiting for?”

I saw a group of men start forward.

“Wait,” I said. “Then kill me for myself, for my own mistake, then

leave it there. Don’t kill me for those who are downtown laughing at the trick

they played –”

But even as I spoke I knew it was no good. I had no words and no

eloquence, and when Ras thundered, “Hang him!” I stood there facing them,

and it seemed unreal. I faced them knowing that the madman in a foreign

costume was real and yet unreal, knowing that he wanted my life, that he

held me responsible for all the nights and days and all the suffering and for

all that which I was incapable of controlling, and I no hero, but short and

dark with only a certain eloquence and a bottomless capacity for being a fool

to mark me from the rest; saw them, recognized them at last as those whom

I had failed and of whom I was now, just now, a leader, though leading

them, running ahead of them, only in the stripping away of my illusionment.

I looked at Ras on his horse and at their handful of guns and

recognized the absurdity of the whole night and of the simple yet

confoundingly complex arrangement of hope and desire, fear and hate, that

had brought me here still running, and knowing now who I was and where I

was and knowing too that I had no longer to run for or from the Jacks and

the Emersons and the Bledsoes and Nortons, but only from their confusion,

impatience, and refusal to recognize the beautiful absurdity of their American

identity and mine. I stood there, knowing that by dying, that by being hanged

by Ras on this street in this destructive night I would perhaps move them

one fraction of a bloody step closer to a definition of who they were and of

what I was and had been. But the definition would have been too narrow; I

was invisible, and hanging would not bring me to visibility, even to their

eyes, since they wanted my death not for myself alone but for the chase I’d

been on all my life; because of the way I’d run, been run, chased, operated,

purged — although to a great extent I could have done nothing else, given

their blindness (didn’t they tolerate both Rinehart and Bledsoe?) and my

invisibility. And that I, a little black man with an assumed name should die

because a big black man in his hatred and confusion over the nature of a

reality that seemed controlled solely by white men whom I knew to be as

blind as he, was just too much, too outrageously absurd. And I knew that it

was better to live out one’s own absurdity than to die for that of others,

whether for Ras’s or Jack’s.

So when Ras yelled, “Hang him!” I let fly the spear and it was as

though for a moment I had surrendered my life and begun to live again,

watching it catch him as he turned his head to shout, ripping through both

cheeks, and saw the surprised pause of the crowd as Ras wrestled with the

spear that locked his jaws. Some of the men raised their guns, but they were

too close to shoot and I hit the first with Tarp’s leg chain and the other in

the middle with my brief case, then ran through a looted store, hearing the

blanging of the burglar alarm as I scrambled over scattered shoes, upturned

showcases, chairs — back to where I saw the moonlight through the rear door

ahead. They came behind me like a draft of flames and I led them through

and around to the avenue, and if they’d fired they could have had me, but it

was important to them that they hang me, lynch me even, since that was the

way they ran, had been taught to run. I should die by hanging alone, as

though only hanging would settle things, even the score. So I ran expecting

death between the shoulder blades or through the back of my head, and as I

ran I was trying to get to Mary’s. It was not a decision of thought but

something I realized suddenly while running over puddles of milk in the black

street, stopping to swing the heavy brief case and the leg chain, slipping and

sliding out of their hands.

If only I could turn around and drop my arms and say, “Look, men,

give me a break, we’re all black folks together . . . Nobody cares.” Though

now I knew we cared, they at last cared enough to act — so I thought. If

only I could say, “Look, they’ve played a trick on us, the same old trick with

new variations — let’s stop running and respect and love one another . . .” If

only — I thought, running into another crowd now and thinking I’d gotten

away, only to catch a punch on my jaw as one closed in shouting, and

feeling the leg chain bounce as I caught his head and spurted forward,

turning out of the avenue only to be struck by a spray of water that seemed

to descend from above. It was a main that had burst, throwing a fierce

curtain of spray into the night. I was going for Mary’s but I was moving

downtown through the dripping street rather than up, and, as I started

through, a mounted policeman charged through the spray, the horse black

and dripping, charging through and looming huge and unreal, neighing and

clopping across the pavement upon me now as I slipped to my knees and

saw the huge pulsing bulk floating down upon and over me, the sound of

hooves and screams and a rush of water coming through distantly as though

I sat remote in a padded room, then over, almost past, the hair of the tail a

fiery lash across my eyes. I stumbled about in circles, blindly swinging the

brief case, the image of a fiery comet’s tail burning my smarting lids; turning

and swinging blindly with brief case and leg chain and hearing the gallop

begin as I floundered helplessly; and now moving straight into the full, naked

force of the water, feeling its power like a blow, wet and thudding and cold,

then through it and able partly to see just as another horse dashed up and

through, a hunter taking a barrier, the rider slanting backward, the horse

rising, then hit and swallowed by the rising spray. I stumbled down the

street, the comet tail in my eyes, seeing a little better now and looking back

to see the water spraying like a mad geyser in the moonlight. To Mary, I

thought, to Mary.

THERE were rows of iron fences backed by low hedges before the

houses and I stumbled behind them and lay panting to rest from the

crushing force of the water. But hardly had I settled down, the dry, dog-day

smell of the hedge in my nose, when they stopped before the house, leaning

upon the fence. They were passing a bottle around and their voices sounded

spent of strong emotion.

“This is some night,” one of them said. “Ain’t this some night?”

“It’s ’bout like the rest.”

“Why you say that?”

” ‘Cause it’s fulla fucking and fighting and drinking and lying —

gimme that bottle.”

“Yeah, but tonight I seen some things I never seen before.”

“You think you seen something? Hell, you ought to been over on

Lenox about two hours ago. You know that stud Ras the Destroyer? Well,

man, he was spitting blood.”

“That crazy guy?”

“Hell, yes, man, he had him a big black hoss and a fur cap and

some kind of old lion skin or something over his shoulders and he was

raising hell. Goddam if he wasn’t a sight, riding up and down on this ole

hoss, you know, one of the kind that pulls vegetable wagons, and he got him

a cowboy saddle and some big spurs.”

“Aw naw, man!”

“Hell, yes! Riding up and down the block yelling, ‘Destroy ’em! Drive

’em out! Burn ’em out! I, Ras, commands you.’ You get that, man,” he said, ”

‘I, Ras, commands you — to destroy them to the last piece of rotten fish!’

And ’bout that time some joker with a big ole Georgia voice sticks his head

out the window and yells, ‘Ride ’em, cowboy. Give ’em hell and bananas.’ And

man, that crazy sonofabitch up there on that hoss looking like death eating a

sandwich, he reaches down and comes up with a forty-five and starts blazing

up at that window — And man, talk about cutting out! In a second wasn’t

nobody left but ole Ras up there on that hoss with that lion skin stretched

straight out behind him. Crazy, man. Everybody else trying to git some loot

and him and his boys out for blood!”

I lay like a man rescued from drowning, listening, still not sure I

was alive.

“I was over there,” another voice said. “You see him when the

mounted police got after his ass?”

“Hell, naw . . . Here, take a li’l taste.”

“Well that’s when you shoulda seen him. When he seen them cops

riding up he reached back of his saddle and come up with some kind of old

shield.”

“A shield?”

“Hell, yes! One with a spike in the middle of it. And that ain’t all;

when he sees the cops he calls to one of his goddam henchmens to hand

him up a spear, and a little short guy run out into the street and give him

one. You know, one of the kind you see them African guys carrying in the

moving pictures . . .”

“Where the hell was you, man?”

“Me? I’m over on the side where some stud done broke in a store

and is selling cold beer out the window — Done gone into business, man,”

the voice laughed. “I was drinking me some Budweiser and digging the doings

— when here comes the cops up the street, riding like cowboys, man; and

when ole Ras-the-what’s-his-name sees ’em he lets out a roar like a lion and

rears way back and starts shooting spurs into that boss’s ass fast as nickels

falling in the subway at going-home time — and gaawd-dam! that’s when you

ought to seen him! Say, gimme a taste there, fella.

“Thanks. Here he comes bookety-bookety with that spear stuck out in

front of him and that shield on his arm, charging, man. And he’s yelling

something in African or West Indian or something and he’s got his head

down low like he knew about that shit too, man; riding like Earle Sande in

the fifth at Jamaica. That ole black hoss let out a whinny and got his head

down — I don’t know where he got that sonofabitch — but, gentlemens, I

swear! When he felt that steel in his high behind he came on like Man o’

War going to get his ashes hauled! Before the cops knowed what hit ’em Ras

is right in the middle of ’em and one cop grabbed for that spear, and ole

Ras swung ’round and bust him across the head and the cop goes down and

his hoss rears up, and ole Ras tries his and tries to spear him another cop,

and the other hosses is plunging around and ole Ras tries to spear him still

another cop, only he’s too close and the hoss is pooling and snorting and

pissing and shitting, and they swings around and the cop is swinging his

pistol and every time he swings ole Ras throws up his shield with one arm

and chops at him with the spear with the other, and man, you could hear

that gun striking that ole shield like somebody dropping tire irons out a

twelve-story window. And you know what, when ole Ras saw he was too close

to spear him a cop he wheeled that hoss around and rode off a bit and did

him a quick round-about face and charged ’em again — out for blood, man!

Only this time the cops got tired of that bullshit and one of ’em started

shooting. And that was the lick! Ole Ras didn’t have time to git his gun so

he let fly with that spear and you could hear him grunt and say something

’bout that cop’s kin-folks and then him and that hoss shot up the street

leaping like Heigho, the goddam Silver!”

“Man, where’d you come from?”

“It’s the truth, man, here’s my right hand.”

They were laughing outside the hedge and leaving and I lay in a

cramp, wanting to laugh and yet knowing that Ras was not funny, or not

only funny, but dangerous as well, wrong but justified, crazy and yet coldly

sane . . . Why did they make it seem funny, only funny? I thought. And yet

knowing that it was. It was funny and dangerous and sad. Jack had seen it,

or had stumbled upon it and used it to prepare a sacrifice. And I had been

used as a tool. My grandfather had been wrong about yessing them to death

and destruction or else things had changed too much since his day.

There was only one way to destroy them. I got up from behind the

hedge in the waning moon, wet and shaken in the hot air and started out

looking for Jack, still turned around in my direction. I moved into the street,

listening to the distant sounds of the riot and seeing in my mind the image

of two eyes in the bottom of a shattered glass.

I kept to the darker side of streets and to the silent areas, thinking

that if he wished really to hide his strategy he’d appear in the district, with a

sound truck perhaps, playing the friendly adviser with Wrestrum and Tobitt

beside him.

They were in civilian clothes, and I thought, Cops — until I saw the

baseball bat and started to turn, hearing, “Hey, you!”

I hesitated.

“What’s in that brief case?” they said, and if they’d asked me

anything else I might have stood still. But at the question a wave of shame

and outrage shook me and I ran, still heading for Jack. But I was in strange

territory now and someone, for some reason, had removed the manhole cover

and I felt myself plunge down, down; a long drop that ended upon a load of

coal that sent up a cloud of dust, and I lay in the black dark upon the black

coal no longer running, hiding or concerned, hearing the shifting of the coal,

as from somewhere above their voices came floating down.

“You see the way he went down, zoom! I was just fixing to slug the

bastard.”

“You hit him?”

“I don’t know.”

“Say, Joe, you think the bastard’s dead?”

“Maybe. He sure is in the dark though. You can’t even see his eyes.”

“Nigger in the coal pile, eh, Joe?”

Someone hollered down the hole, “Hey, black boy. Come on out. We

want to see what’s in that brief case.”

“Come down and get me,” I said.

“What’s in that brief case?”

“You,” I said, suddenly laughing. “What do you think of that?”

“Me?”

“All of you,” I said.

“You’re crazy,” he said.

“But I still have you in this brief case!”

“What’d you steal?”

“Can’t you see?” I said. “Light a match.”

“What the hell’s he talking about, Joe?”

“Strike a match, the boogy’s nuts.”

High above I saw the small flame sputter into light. They stood

heads down, as in prayer, unable to see me back in the coal.

“Come on down,” I said. “Hal Ha! I’ve had you in my brief case all

the time and you didn’t know me then and can’t see me now.”

“You sonofabitch!” one of them called, outraged. Then the match

went out and I heard something fall softly upon the coal near by. They were

talking above.

“You goddam black nigger sonofabitch,” someone called, “see how you

like this,” and I heard the cover settle over the manhole with a dull clang.

Fine bits of dirt showered down as they stamped upon the lid and for a

moment I sent coal sliding in wild surprise, looking up, up through black

space to where for a second the dim light of a match sank through a circle

of holes in the steel. Then I thought, This is the way it’s always been, only

now I know it — and rested back, calm now, placing the brief case beneath

my head. I could open it in the morning, push off the lid. Now I was tired,

too tired; my mind retreating, the image of the two glass eyes running

together like blobs of melting lead. Here it was as though the riot was gone

and I felt the tug of sleep, seemed to move out upon black water.

It’s a kind of death without hanging, I thought, a death alive. In the

morning I’ll remove the lid . . . Mary, I should have gone to Mary’s. I would

go now to Mary’s in the only way that I could . . . I moved off over the

black water, floating, sighing . . . sleeping invisibly.

BUT I was never to reach Mary’s, and I was over-optimistic about

removing the steel cap in the morning. Great invisible waves of time flowed

over me, but that morning never came. There was no morning nor light of

any kind to awaken me and I slept on and on until finally I was aroused by

hunger. Then I was up in the dark and blundering around, feeling rough

walls and the coal giving way beneath each step like treacherous sand. I tried

to reach above me but found only space, unbroken and impenetrable. Then I

tried to find the usual ladder that leads out of such holes, but there was

none. I had to have a light, and now on hands and knees, holding tight to

my brief case, I searched the coal until I found the folder of matches the

men had dropped — how long ago had that been? — but there were only

three and to save them I started searching for paper to make a torch, feeling

about slowly over the coal pile. I needed just one piece of paper to light my

way out of the hole, but there was nothing. Next I searched my pockets,

finding not even a bill, or an advertising folder, or a Brotherhood leaflet. Why

had I destroyed Rinehart’s throwaway? Well, there was only one thing to do

if I was to make a torch. I’d have to open my brief case. In it were the only

papers I had.

I started with my high-school diploma, applying one precious match

with a feeling of remote irony, even smiling as I saw the swift but feeble

light push back the gloom. I was in a deep basement, full of shapeless

objects that extended farther than I could see, and I realized that to light my

way out I would have to burn every paper in the brief case. I moved slowly

off, toward the darker blackness, lighting my way by these feeble torches. The

next to go was Clifton’s doll, but it burned so stubbornly that I reached

inside the case for something else. Then by the light of the smoke-sputtering

doll I opened a folded page. It was the anonymous letter, which burned so

quickly that as it flamed I hurriedly unfolded another: It was that slip upon

which Jack had written my Brotherhood name. I could still smell Emma’s

perfume even in the dampness of the cellar. And now seeing the handwriting

of the two in the consuming flames I burned my hand and slipped to my

knees, staring. The handwriting was the same. I knelt there, stunned,

watching the flames consume them. That he, or anyone at that late date,

could have named me and set me running with one and the same stroke of

the pen was too much. Suddenly I began to scream, getting up in the

darkness and plunging wildly about, bumping against walls, scattering coal,

and in my anger extinguishing my feeble light.

But still whirling on in the blackness, knocking against the rough

walls of a narrow passage, banging my head and cursing, I stumbled down

and plunged against some kind of partition and sailed headlong, coughing and

sneezing, into another dimensionless room, where I continued to roll about

the floor in my outrage. How long this kept up, I do not know. It might

have been days, weeks; I lost all sense of time. And everytime I paused to

rest, the outrage revived and I went off again. Then, finally, when I could

barely move, something seemed to say, “That’s enough, don’t kill yourself.

You’ve run enough, you’re through with them at last,” and I collapsed, face

forward and lay there beyond the point of exhaustion, too tired to close my

eyes. It was a state neither of dreaming nor of waking, but somewhere in

between, in which I was caught like Trueblood’s jaybird that yellow jackets

had paralyzed in every part but his eyes.

But somehow the floor had now turned to sand and the darkness to

light, and I lay the prisoner of a group consisting of Jack and old Emerson

and Bledsoe and Norton and Ras and the school superintendent and a

number of others whom I failed to recognize, but all of whom had run me,

who now pressed around me as I lay beside a river of black water, near

where an armored bridge arched sharply away to where I could not see. And

I was protesting their holding me and they were demanding that I return to

them and were annoyed with my refusal.

“No,” I said. “I’m through with all your illusions and lies, I’m

through running.”

“Not quite,” Jack said above the others’ angry demands, “but you

soon will be, unless you return. Refuse and we’ll free you of your illusions all

right.”

“No, thank you; I’ll free myself,” I said, struggling to rise from the

cutting sand.

But now they came forward with a knife, holding me; and I felt the

bright red pain and they took the two bloody blobs and cast them over the

bridge, and out of my anguish I saw them curve up and catch beneath the

apex of the curving arch of the bridge, to hang there, dripping down

through the sunlight into the dark red water. And while the others laughed,

before my pain-sharpened eyes the whole world was slowly turning red.

“Now you’re free of illusions,” Jack said, pointing to my seed wasting

upon the air. “How does it feel to be free of one’s illusions?”

And I looked up through a pain so intense now that the air seemed

to roar with the clanging of metal, hearing, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE

FREE OF ILLUSION . . .

And now I answered, “Painful and empty,” as I saw a glittering

butterfly circle three times around my blood-red parts, up there beneath the

bridge’s high arch. “But look,” I said pointing. And they looked and laughed,

and suddenly seeing their satisfied faces and understanding, I gave a Bledsoe

laugh, startling them. And Jack came forward, curious.

“Why do you laugh?” he said.

“Because at a price I now see that which I couldn’t see,” I said.

“What does he think he sees?” they said.

And Jack came closer, threatening, and I laughed. “I’m not afraid

now,” I said. “But if you’ll look, you’ll see . . . It’s not invisible . . .”

“See what?” they said.

“That there hang not only my generations wasting upon the water –”

And now the pain welled up and I could no longer see them.

“But what? Go on,” they said.

“But your sun . . .”

“Yes?”

“And your moon . . .”

“He’s crazy!”

“Your world . . .”

“I knew he was a mystic idealist!” Tobitt said.

“Still,” I said, “there’s your universe, and that drip-drop upon the

water you hear is all the history you’ve made, all you’re going to make. Now

laugh, you scientists. Let’s hear you laugh!”

And high above me now the bridge seemed to move off to where I

could not see, striding like a robot, an iron man, whose iron legs clanged

doomfully as it moved. And then I struggled up, full of sorrow and pain,

shouting, “No, no, we must stop him!”

And I awoke in the blackness.

Fully awake now, I simply lay there as though paralyzed. I could

think of nothing else to do. Later I would try to find my way out, but now I

could only lie on the floor, reliving the dream. All their faces were so vivid

that they seemed to stand before me beneath a spotlight. They were all up

there somewhere, making a mess of the world. Well, let them. I was through

and, in spite of the dream, I was whole.

And now I realized that I couldn’t return to Mary’s, or to any part of

my old life. I could approach it only from the outside, and I had been as

invisible to Mary as I had been to the Brotherhood. No, I couldn’t return to

Mary’s, or to the campus, or to the Brotherhood, or home. I could only move

ahead or stay here, underground. So I would stay here until I was chased

out. Here, at least, I could try to think things out in peace, or, if not in

peace, in quiet. I would take up residence underground. The end was in the

beginning.

Epilogue

So there you have all of it that’s important. Or at least you almost

have it. I’m an invisible man and it placed me in a hole — or showed me the

hole I was in, if you will — and I reluctantly accepted the fact. What else

could I have done? Once you get used to it, reality is as irresistible as a club,

and I was clubbed into the cellar before I caught the hint. Perhaps that’s the

way it had to be; I don’t know. Nor do I know whether accepting the lesson

has placed me in the rear or in the avant-garde. That, perhaps, is a lesson

for history, and I’ll leave such decisions to Jack and his ilk while I try

belatedly to study the lesson of my own life.

Let me be honest with you — a feat which, by the way, I find of the

utmost difficulty. When one is invisible he finds such problems as good and

evil, honesty and dishonesty, of such shifting shapes that he confuses one

with the other, depending upon who happens to be looking through him at

the time. Well, now I’ve been trying to look through myself, and there’s a

risk in it. I was never more hated than when I tried to be honest. Or when,

even as just now I’ve tried to articulate exactly what I felt to be the truth.

No one was satisfied — not even I. On the other hand, I’ve never been more

loved and appreciated than when I tried to “justify” and affirm someone’s

mistaken beliefs; or when I’ve tried to give my friends the incorrect, absurd

answers they wished to hear. In my presence they could talk and agree with

themselves, the world was nailed down, and they loved it. They received a

feeling of security. But here was the rub: Too often, in order to justify them,

I had to take myself by the throat and choke myself until my eyes bulged

and my tongue hung out and wagged like the door of an empty house in a

high wind. Oh, yes, it made them happy and it made me sick. So I became

ill of affirmation, of saying “yes” against the nay-saying of my stomach — not

to mention my brain.

There is, by the way, an area in which a man’s feelings are more

rational than his mind, and it is precisely in that area that his will is pulled

in several directions at the same time. You might sneer at this, but I know

now. I was pulled this way and that for longer than I can remember. And

my problem was that I always tried to go in everyone’s way but my own. I

have also been called one thing and then another while no one really wished

to hear what I called myself. So after years of trying to adopt the opinions of

others I finally rebelled. I am an invisible man. Thus I have come a long way

and returned and boomeranged a long way from the point in society toward

which I originally aspired.

So I took to the cellar; I hibernated. I got away from it all. But that

wasn’t enough. I couldn’t be still even in hibernation. Because, damn it,

there’s the mind, the mind. It wouldn’t let me rest. Gin, jazz and dreams

were not enough. Books were not enough. My belated appreciation of the

crude joke that had kept me running, was not enough. And my mind

revolved again and again back to my grandfather. And, despite the farce that

ended my attempt to say “yes” to the Brotherhood, I’m still plagued by his

deathbed advice . . . Perhaps he hid his meaning deeper than I thought,

perhaps his anger threw me off — I can’t decide. Could he have meant —

hell, he must have meant the principle, that we were to affirm the principle

on which the country was built and not the men, or at least not the men

who did the violence. Did he mean say “yes” because he knew that the

principle was greater than the men, greater than the numbers and the vicious

power and all the methods used to corrupt its name? Did he mean to affirm

the principle, which they themselves had dreamed into being out of the chaos

and darkness of the feudal past, and which they had violated and

compromised to the point of absurdity even in their own corrupt minds? Or

did he mean that we had to take the responsibility for all of it, for the men

as well as the principle, because we were the heirs who must use the

principle because no other fitted our needs? Not for the power or for

vindication, but because we, with the given circumstance of our origin, could

only thus find transcendence? Was it that we of all, we, most of all, had to

affirm the principle, the plan in whose name we had been brutalized and

sacrificed — not because we would always be weak nor because we were

afraid or opportunistic, but because we were older than they, in the sense of

what it took to live in the world with others and because they had exhausted

in us, some — not much, but some — of the human greed and smallness, yes,

and the fear and superstition that had kept them running. (Oh, yes, they’re

running too, running all over themselves.) Or was it, did he mean that we

should affirm the principle because we, through no fault of our own, were

linked to all the others in the loud, clamoring semi-visible world, that world

seen only as a fertile field for exploitation by Jack and his kind, and with

condescension by Norton and his, who were tired of being the mere pawns in

the futile game of “making history”? Had he seen that for these too we had

to say “yes” to the principle, lest they turn upon us to destroy both it and

us?

“Agree ’em to death and destruction,” grandfather had advised. Hell,

weren’t they their own death and their own destruction except as the

principle lived in them and in us? And here’s the cream of the joke: Weren’t

we part of them as well as apart from them and subject to die when they

died? I can’t figure it out; it escapes me. But what do I really want, I’ve

asked myself. Certainly not the freedom of a Rinehart or the power of a Jack,

nor simply the freedom not to run. No, but the next step I couldn’t make, so

I’ve remained in the hole.

I’m not blaming anyone for this state of affairs, mind you; nor

merely crying mea culpa. The fact is that you carry part of your sickness

within you, at least I do as an invisible man. I carried my sickness and

though for a long time I tried to place it in the outside world, the attempt to

write it down shows me that at least half of it lay within me. It came upon

me slowly, like that strange disease that affects those black men whom you

see turning slowly from black to albino, their pigment disappearing as under

the radiation of some cruel, invisible ray. You go along for years knowing

something is wrong, then suddenly you discover that you’re as transparent as

air. At first you tell yourself that it’s all a dirty joke, or that it’s due to the

“political situation.” But deep down you come to suspect that you’re yourself

to blame, and you stand naked and shivering before the millions of eyes who

look through you unseeingly. That is the real soul-sickness, the spear in the

side, the drag by the neck through the mob-angry town, the Grand

Inquisition, the embrace of the Maiden, the rip in the belly with the guts

spilling out, the trip to the chamber with the deadly gas that ends in the

oven so hygienically clean — only it’s worse because you continue stupidly to

live. But live you must, and you can either make passive love to your

sickness or burn it out and go on to the next conflicting phase.

Yes, but what is the next phase? How often have I tried to find it!

Over and over again I’ve gone up above to seek it out. For, like almost

everyone else in our country, I started out with my share of optimism. I

believed in hard work and progress and action, but now, after first being

“for” society and then “against” it, I assign myself no rank or any limit, and

such an attitude is very much against the trend of the times. But my world

has become one of infinite possibilities. What a phrase — still it’s a good

phrase and a good view of life, and a man shouldn’t accept any other; that

much I’ve learned underground. Until some gang succeeds in putting the

world in a strait jacket, its definition is possibility. Step outside the narrow

borders of what men call reality and you step into chaos — ask Rinehart, he’s

a master of it — or imagination. That too I’ve learned in the cellar, and not

by deadening my sense of perception; I’m invisible, not blind.

No indeed, the world is just as concrete, ornery, vile and sublimely

wonderful as before, only now I better understand my relation to it and it to

me. I’ve come a long way from those days when, full of illusion, I lived a

public life and attempted to function under the assumption that the world

was solid and all the relationships therein. Now I know men are different and

that all life is divided and that only in division is there true health. Hence

again I have stayed in my hole, because up above there’s an increasing

passion to make men conform to a pattern. Just as in my nightmare, Jack

and the boys are waiting with their knives, looking for the slightest excuse to

. . . well, to “ball the jack,” and I do not refer to the old dance step,

although what they’re doing is making the old eagle rock dangerously.

Whence all this passion toward conformity anyway? — diversity is the

word. Let man keep his many parts and you’ll have no tyrant states. Why, if

they follow this conformity business they’ll end up by forcing me, an invisible

man, to become white, which is not a color but the lack of one. Must I strive

toward colorlessness? But seriously, and without snobbery, think of what the

world would lose if that should happen. America is woven of many strands; I

would recognize them and let it so remain. It’s “winner take nothing” that is

the great truth of our country or of any country. Life is to be lived, not

controlled; and humanity is won by continuing to play in face of certain

defeat. Our fate is to become one, and yet many — This is not prophecy, but

description. Thus one of the greatest jokes in the world is the spectacle of

the whites busy escaping blackness and becoming blacker every day, and the

blacks striving toward whiteness, becoming quite dull and gray. None of us

seems to know who he is or where he’s going.

Which reminds me of something that occurred the other day in the

subway. At first I saw only an old gentleman who for the moment was lost. I

knew he was lost, for as I looked down the platform I saw him approach

several people and turn away without speaking. He’s lost, I thought, and he’ll

keep coming until he sees me, then he’ll ask his direction. Maybe there’s an

embarrassment in it if he admits he’s lost to a strange white man. Perhaps to

lose a sense of where you are implies the danger of losing a sense of who

you are. That must be it, I thought — to lose your direction is to lose your

face. So here he comes to ask his direction from the lost, the invisible. Very

well, I’ve learned to live without direction. Let him ask.

But then he was only a few feet away and I recognized him; it was

Mr. Norton. The old gentleman was thinner and wrinkled now but as dapper

as ever. And seeing him made all the old life live in me for an instant, and I

smiled with tear-stinging eyes. Then it was over, dead, and when he asked

me how to get to Centre Street, I regarded him with mixed feelings.

“Don’t you know me?” I said.

“Should I?” he said.

“You see me?” I said, watching him tensely.

“Why, of course — Sir, do you know the way to Centre Street?”

“So. Last time it was the Golden Day, now it’s Centre Street. You’ve

retrenched, sir. But don’t you know who I am?”

“Young man, I’m in a hurry,” he said, cupping a hand to his ear.

“Why should I know you?”

“Because I’m your destiny.”

“My destiny, did you say?” He gave me a puzzled stare, backing

away. “Young man, are you well? Which train did you say I should take?”

“I didn’t say,” I said, shaking my head. “Now, aren’t you ashamed?”

“Ashamed? ASHAMED!” he said indignantly.

I laughed, suddenly taken by the idea. “Because, Mr. Norton, if you

don’t know where you are, you probably don’t know who you are. So you

came to me out of shame. You are ashamed, now aren’t you?”

“Young man, I’ve lived too long in this world to be ashamed of

anything. Are you light-headed from hunger? How do you know my name?”

“But I’m your destiny, I made you. Why shouldn’t I know you?” I

said, walking closer and seeing him back against a pillar. He looked around

like a cornered animal. He thought I was mad.

“Don’t be afraid, Mr. Norton,” I said. “There’s a guard down the

platform there. You’re safe. Take any train; they all go to the Golden D –”

But now an express had rolled up and the old man was disappearing

quite spryly inside one of its doors. I stood there laughing hysterically. I

laughed all the way back to my hole.

But after I had laughed I was thrown back on my thoughts — how

had it all happened? And I asked myself if it were only a joke and I couldn’t

answer. Since then I’ve sometimes been overcome with a passion to return

into that “heart of darkness” across the Mason-Dixon line, but then I remind

myself that the true darkness lies within my own mind, and the idea loses

itself in the gloom. Still the passion persists. Sometimes I feel the need to

reaffirm all of it, the whole unhappy territory and all the things loved and

unlovable in it, for all of it is part of me. Till now, however, this is as far as

I’ve ever gotten, for all life seen from the hole of invisibility is absurd.

So why do I write, torturing myself to put it down? Because in spite

of myself I’ve learned some things. Without the possibility of action, all

knowledge comes to one labeled “file and forget,” and I can neither file nor

forget. Nor will certain ideas forget me; they keep filing away at my lethargy,

my complacency. Why should I be the one to dream this nightmare? Why

should I be dedicated and set aside — yes, if not to at least tell a few people

about it? There seems to be no escape. Here I’ve set out to throw my anger

into the world’s face, but now that I’ve tried to put it all down the old

fascination with playing a role returns, and I’m drawn upward again. So that

even before I finish I’ve failed (maybe my anger is too heavy; perhaps, being

a talker, I’ve used too many words). But I’ve failed. The very act of trying to

put it all down has confused me and negated some of the anger and some of

the bitterness. So it is that now I denounce and defend, or feel prepared to

defend. I condemn and affirm, say no and say yes, say yes and say no. I

denounce because though implicated and partially responsible, I have been

hurt to the point of abysmal pain, hurt to the point of invisibility. And I

defend because in spite of all I find that I love. In order to get some of it

down I have to love. I sell you no phony forgiveness, I’m a desperate man —

but too much of your life will be lost, its meaning lost, unless you approach

it as much through love as through hate. So I approach it through division.

So I denounce and I defend and I hate and I love.

Perhaps that makes me a little bit as human as my grandfather.

Once I thought my grandfather incapable of thoughts about humanity, but I

was wrong. Why should an old slave use such a phrase as, “This and this or

this has made me more human,” as I did in my arena speech? Hell, he never

had any doubts about his humanity — that was left to his “free” offspring. He

accepted his humanity just as he accepted the principle. It was his, and the

principle lives on in all its human and absurd diversity. So now having tried

to put it down I have disarmed myself in the process. You won’t believe in

my invisibility and you’ll fail to see how any principle that applies to you

could apply to me. You’ll fail to see it even though death waits for both of us

if you don’t. Nevertheless, the very disarmament has brought me to a

decision. The hibernation is over. I must shake off the old skin and come up

for breath. There’s a stench in the air, which, from this distance underground,

might be the smell either of death or of spring — I hope of spring. But don’t

let me trick you, there is a death in the smell of spring and in the smell of

thee as in the smell of me. And if nothing more, invisibility has taught my

nose to classify the stenches of death.

In going underground, I whipped it all except the mind, the mind.

And the mind that has conceived a plan of living must never lose sight of

the chaos against which that pattern was conceived. That goes for societies as

well as for individuals. Thus, having tried to give pattern to the chaos which

lives within the pattern of your certainties, I must come out, I must emerge.

And there’s still a conflict within me: With Louis Armstrong one half of me

says, “Open the window and let the foul air out,” while the other says, “It

was good green corn before the harvest.” Of course Louis was kidding, he

wouldn’t have thrown old Bad Air out, because it would have broken up the

music and the dance, when it was the good music that came from the bell of

old Bad Air’s horn that counted. Old Bad Air is still around with his music

and his dancing and his diversity, and I’ll be up and around with mine. And,

as I said before, a decision has been made. I’m shaking off the old skin and

I’ll leave it here in the hole. I’m coming out, no less invisible without it, but

coming out nevertheless. And I suppose it’s damn well time. Even

hibernations can be overdone, come to think of it. Perhaps that’s my greatest

social crime, I’ve overstayed my hibernation, since there’s a possibility that

even an invisible man has a socially responsible role to play.

“Ah,” I can hear you say, “so it was all a build-up to bore us with

his buggy jiving. He only wanted us to listen to him rave!” But only partially

true: Being invisible and without substance, a disembodied voice, as it were,

what else could I do? What else but try to tell you what was really

happening when your eyes were looking through? And it is this which

frightens me:

Who knows but that, on the lower frequencies, I speak for you?

Scan Notes, v3.0: Proofed carefully against DT, italics and special characters

intact. Because of the print quality in my copy of the book, many of the f’s

OCR’d as t’s. I think I found them all…