Discussion w 8 of Breaking out text to make it more

For this discussion topic, imagine that you are an intern at Asax, Inc.  You work in the human resources (HR) department.

One of the administrators in HR, Harold, has drafted an email message to inform employees at Asax, Inc. about the tuition remission benefit that the company offers.

However, your supervisor has asked you to look at the message and improve it before it is sent out.

Your supervisor said to you, “When Harold writes a message, we usually get about 15-20 email messages from employees asking for clarity on what the message was saying. This message looks no different. I think many employees will be confused by Harold’s message. Please try to improve it.”

You look at the message written by Harold. The message reads as follows:

Employees at Asax, Inc. can be eligible for tuition remission for some classes. You can apply for tuition remission if you are an employee in good standing. That means that your most recent performance evaluation received a rating of satisfactory or higher. In addition, you can apply for tuition remission if you can demonstrate that the class will benefit your work at Asax, Inc.  You can show this by filling out the enclosed justification form. Also, the class has to be given at an accredited university or college or a two-year college. You have to earn a grade of “C’ or higher for the class in order to receive the tuition remission. One more thing: You must be a full-time employee in order to qualify for the tuition remission. Part-time employees are not eligible for the tuition remission. Of course, the tuition remission is paid out after the class ends (that’s how we know you got a “C” or better).  What you do is to submit a copy of the transcript with the grade for the class. You also submit the receipt for the class. Then Payroll processes the payment. The payment shows up in your paycheck for the next pay period.

You  have to first apply for tuition remission. Then, when HR determines the class is fine and you are eligible, you take the class. Then you submit the transcript and receipt.

You should apply for tuition remission at least two weeks before the class starts.  HR takes five business days to give you their decision as to whether or not they approve of the tuition remission.

If you have any questions, contact Harold Munch at

hmunch@asax.com

. 

In considering strategies in rewriting the message, observe the tips mentioned in the following lecture:

Breaking Out Your Text for the Audience

In revising the message, start with the following:

Asax, Inc. offers tuition remission for its employees. You may apply for tuition remission if…